It has been 15 minutes since you sent her a text. You just said that you had a great night last night, and asked when you would see her again. You have read it a couple of times after you sent it – was it any good? Could you have done better?
30 minutes passes. You have been checking your cell phone like a maniac. Why hasn’t she replied?!
45 minutes. Now you get all these wierd thoughts that, maybe she wasn’t that into you? But you vibed pretty well, didn’t you? What went wrong?
You start analyzing the evening for mistakes or clues. Nothing. Just a wait a minute! There was this awkward silence, and…
There is no point in continuing the story. You’re a smart guy, you get the point. I’m pretty sure you have been there, too. I know for sure that I have.
It’s a dark, dark place waiting for a text message reply. It downright sucks.
So what is there to do about it?
It’s about a change in mind
The simplest way to say it is this: Stop caring so much!
I know it can be hard. Really hard. But if you don’t want to walk around your whole life and just wait, it is absolutely crucial to learn it.
There will be hundreds of girls. She was just one of them.
This is the attitude you need to take on when you send a text message:
- I don’t really care if she replies to this message. It’s just a text, I’m just a guy, and she’s just a girl.
- It would be nice if she did reply, though, because I think she’s kind of cute and I would like to get to know her better.
- I have better things to do than sitting around and waiting. I have a life. There will be others.
- Now I’ll just live on and accept whatever the outcome may be.
So maybe she will reply. Maybe she never received the SMS. There are 1000 possibilities.
But in the end, it’s all about the amount of importance you lay on her reply. If it honestly doesn’t mean much to you, what’s the big deal?
Don’t check your phone all the time
Guys, this is huge! Try to really become “outcome independent” of your phone.
No, you don’t need to take it with you everywhere you go, just in case…
No, you didn’t just hear your phone. It was probably something else.
No, you don’t need to check it every 5 minutes. And just in case you actually got a SMS, what difference does it make if you don’t read it right away?
Just chill. That’s the basic lesson for today. Don’t take dating so god damn serious!
When to write again
If, after a day or two she still hasn’t replied, it may be time to send another text, just to give it another shot.
Try to not sound too needy. Something along the lines of this should work:
“Hey (girl/nickname), too busy to reply, are you?… That’s just too bad, since I think you’re cute and would like to see you again! :-)
This is not necessarily an example of a good text message, it is just an example. And it may not be your style at all, always remember to ‘be yourself’.
I know it’s old advice, but to be yourself means to be congruent and authentic. Two really important qualities.
What you want to achieve is just some kind of life signal from her side. Maybe she didn’t receive your first text, and in that case, it was a good idea to send her another one.
Maybe she just forgot about it or actually ignored it. If that’s the case, she may reply to this one.
If she doesn’t, is she really worth spending your time and energy on?
I think not.
Third text
If you want to, and she haven’t replied to your second SMS, you can send a third one after a week or something.
A sample could be this:
“Are you alive?”
If she doesn’t text you back after that message, I would just delete her number.
But that’s just me. It’s your call ;-)
Let us hear your stories on waiting for text messages (or calls, for that matter) in the comments.
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Dear Andy,
Your main question was, “why haven’t i heard from her ever since i’ve sent that message? I really need her approval about that message that i thought was funny”.
Well, to be honest, i didn’t think there was any problem. There’s two ways this is going.
1. She hates gay topics. So the moment you mention anything about gay stuff, she is totally turned off.
2. She just happens to want to do something else after smiling at the cute little message that you’ve sent.
That’s all.
There is no need to feel insecure about her “lack of replies”. So it’s 2 days since she last replied you? You’re like saying, “if she exceeds 48 hours without contacting me, i’m a total failure as a man.” Hey duuuuude….
I’ll just remind you that everyone has a life of his/her own. Including yourself. With all due respect to girls out there, there’s no need to put them on a pedestal and worship them and hope to gain their approval. If you need to understand that feeling, think of your best mate in your life, like buddy, male buddy. Don’t you guys just do anything you want, ignore each other, neglect each other, poke fun at each other without thinking much?
Yeah. I’m not saying you wanna head the same way and end up as “just be friends” with this girl, but, take it easy is my advice. It’s just 1 x message that was not replied to. Chill dude!
Ice breaker? Ask about her studies??? I’m not an advocate of “normal” conversations over sms, its really boring, unless you can inject fun. But still, let’s keep things real. You meet her, you sms her. You don’t meet her, no amount of smses is gonna get you laid. That’s for sure. When was the last time you heard about a guy who got laid just by pure messaging? LOL.
Anyway, hope you can see my point. We’re all here to learn, myself included. I’ve come across these same things myself and i KNOW it is difficult to practice what i preach but, what the heck. They make sense, don’t they?
Hear from you soon,
John
Hi John,
Take some time to ready this boring story.
I like this girl in office who is very reserved and very professional.Its been few weeks since we know know each other.
She talks,chats and smiles when we come face to face…she knows that im interested in her and still talks.usually i never find her talking to guys.But she will always take few minutes time to reply while chatting online.
when i ask,She agreed for lunch couple of times,by saying that could be great but i understand she is scared about her girl friends and colleagues,whom i dont know,so it didnt work.
I have stopped contact since 2 weeks when she didnt reply to my How are you message.
Should i move on and forgoet her or ask one last time,wat she thinks? If yes, what is the best way to msg?
Thanks
Andy
Dear Andy,
First off, when i read your post, i didn’t understand why you have to pre-tell me that it’s gonna be a boring story. It says a lot about your confidence level, doesn’t it? I would be so inclined to link this lack of confidence to your dating scene, which obviously is going to slow you down a little bit, hinder you, whatever. Confidence is really important but unfortunately can never be taught until you learn to exude it yourself.
Next you mentioned that this girl in office that you liked talked to you a few times (though i do not know to what level). Was it kind talk? Was it a hows-your-work-coming-along type of conversations?
Next, to your actual problem that is, you asked about lunch a few times and they fell through each time?? I thought she agreed to them, so why on earth did it not happen? How can she both agree and NOT do it, im afraid i think i missed some detail over here. But i have a nagging feeling about what the problem is…
Lastly, you wanted a “best way to message”. Look, there isn’t a best way. But i looked at the situation and it seems like you’re not getting anything done. If you lack the social interaction with this woman, messaging is not going to work. Even if she does give you replies and stuff, it doesn’t even mean anything, and shouldn’t mean anything. It only counts when she accepts you as a person and talks to you as a person, not as a name on her phone screen or computer screen. Give it one last shot and try to get it to work. If not, you should really move on and stop lingering on something that isn’t going to work.
Look, i know that i’ve said some stuff that you might not like to see, but the brutal truth is the best preparation i can give you. There are also times when i give girls a few chances to work out with me. A few times at best, say 5? If she doesn’t even bother about the events i’ve planned out, why should i try even more? She’s not interested and i must move on, whether i like it or not. That’s life. And i usually like to make guys i talk to, to imagine.
Imagine a girl you do not like making advances to you such as lunch dates (theoretically putting yourself in your girl’s situation to check out the emotions involved), how would you react to them? Then next picture that a girl that you LIKE, making advances to you in the same way. Is your response different in each case?
Lastly, think about the responses that you’ve received from the girl that you like. Which one does it match? I do not know, and i’ll leave it up to you to do the comparison. It’s your privacy and i hope for the best for you. Hope everything works out fine.
John
Hi John,
Thank you so much for the detailed reply.
I agree with you 100 % and liked what you said and didnt feel bad at all.
Infact the confidence was always there but i was comparing to other questions in this thread.as i did not have much to write in detail so thought hard to get a feedback with less info.
I have decided to move on but when i came across your site and your anwsers, thought it would be good to hear from the horses mouth and i got more than i asked for.
I do have good confidence levels when talking with a person face to face but little skeptical while virtual cos of the language.
All i can say till now,is she knows im interested and had general talk about how we are doing rather than work related.I caught her staring twice so i took a chance to ask for lunch knowing she is very reserved.
Yes she agreed for lunch happily when i asked and said sometime but stragely she didnt get back or tell the day even though i reminded twice and then i just left it.Now we sit in different offices and hardly meet.im a foreigner in her country.
Il give one final shot before shift deleting and move on happily.Thank you once again.
Keep up your great work.
Cheers!
Andy
There’s a girl I like, same age as me, and lately I have been talking to her more than usual. We exchanged numbers and so the next night texted her how her day was. She replied after 1 hour and asked the same question back. I told her it wasn’t that good and waited till she asked why. She didn’t reply and the next day I saw her in person. We only caught glares, we’re on the same school bus, and asked how I was whilst walking to her seat which was way behind. Later I caught her staring at me but didn’t say anything to me. The same time i also found out she has a boyfriend as she was holding his hand and leaning on him whilst staring. I think they just started going out. She still hasn’t replied to me and it’s now the school holidays. I don’t get what she’s doing, she looks at me but never texts back. It’s been 4 days since our last text what do I do.
7 years ago i broke up with a girl i dated her for 2 years 6months later she was engaged she later married and had a kid. 2 years into the marriage he husband was cheating on her with all kinds of women and hookers. she always seamed to keep in touch calling me here and there, she called me on her wedding day i was the 1st person she called besides her mom when she found out her husband was cheating .she was 2 months preg with her second child at the time. anyways over the last year we have been in contact and see each other once in awhile . ok the kicker here i have been with someone for 5 years now and have a child.but i cant stop thinking of the ex. over the last year she has always commented on us being together sex etc she is going threw her divorce now. the contact has been daily except for the last 19 days the calls and texts stop and i know she is on dating sites etc i am really missing her and jealous cause she probally has someone in her life now. this happened last year as well she found a bf and the contact stopped and then started when she broke up with him i am obiously just a comfort thing when needed but i just wanna get over her and stop wanting her i just want the opinion of people who do not now me please let me know what your take is on this. ps she just text me that she had just found something she had been looking for 4ever . wtf
Hi josh,
So you liked a girl whom you found out yourself quite soon, is currently attached. Then you also mentioned that she did not give you a reply about asking you why your day wasn’t good…
hey dude, give it a thought. An attached girl + a sms from someone whom she just knew + expecting a reply for something that is just casual asking…
What are you expecting?
There are so many things that “went wrong”. Technically, not that you did anything wrong. You weren’t in the right place to expect anything anyway! Let me explain (although you should already have understood…)
An attached girl:
She’s got a BOYFRIEND. By definition, it means that no one is gonna have a great chance at her unless you’re damn handsome and rich and look like brad pitt or something. Even so, she might decide to stick to her current boyfriend, for wanting of a stable life, avoiding strange conflicts over someone she just knew. It makes no sense for her to give you any sort of replies in the first place!!! She’s not OBLIGATED to say anything to you.
an sms from someone not close:
Hey what would you do if some girl got your number and immediately tried to sms you right off the bat and expecting you to have long deep conversations with her? Creepy right? The first thing you’d think is “Yikes, is she trying to do something with me? i better stay away”. SAME STORY. And you just got her number. This means that you probably are not THAT close to her to warrant anything (frequent replies).
Casual text:
You were asking about how her day was. You said yours sucked and wanted her to ask you why?
First, what’s so interesting about asking you why your day was bad? why should she be concerned over you? I think you’d have a better chance at getting a reply (if replies is all you care about) if you had said you were modelling for calvin and klein’s underwear series. I’m not trying to pick on you but really, i’m trying to get you to see the difference in the “want” to reply from these two types of texts. Which would you smile to and excitedly press the reply button and call the person’s bluff???
Second, avoid talking about things sucking in your life. If anything’s a turn off, this would be it. It gives off all sorts of negative vibes. Imagine someone you knew, and all he does when he sees you is that he complains to you. At first you might see it as him treating you as a “good friend” and sharing woes and stuff. But sooner or later, you’ll find that your friendship is nothing but an entire negative thing. When you see him, you know that you’re gonna talk negative stuff all over again. Where’s the fun man?
Lastly, you also mentioned something about her staring at you while leaning on her boyfriend. I think you are trying to get me to think that she’s with someone but she wants you? Hey, get real. She’s not gonnna suddenly “realise” that you are the one she loves and breaks up with that guy and come to you. I’m not gonna say anything, but i ask you to think, is that what you were expecting to happen? Really?
Conclusion:
Get to know someone you have social interaction with first. If you never had any face to face interaction frequently, don’t even think of liking her or her liking you. Love doesn’t happen this way. Staring at each other doesn’t make her love you.
If you do text, think about something that is worth her reply. A question is not sufficient. It has to be an interesting and juicy question that makes her wanna hit the reply button. Even so, she can always choose not to. No guarantees here.
4 days? text again. Don’t make the same mistake again. Don’t even think about getting laid. If all you want is messaging, i have no objections. keep it interesting and fun. I myself have someone who is attached but texts me when she wants to say anything. I’ve got a feeling that she isn’t getting the same kind of fun from her boyfriend from texting than from me. The volume i receive from her, taking into account that i’m just a casual friend, is almost unjustifiably huge. And i find no need to brag more than i should. I’m not even supposed to receive more than 5 from her, but im getting in 30s and 40s in half a day (its just a humble estimate and no i don’t text her the moment i wake up. That’s creepy.)
And, don’t get so hung up over a girl who doesn’t reply. Get a life. Get more options. Get more girls to talk to. Don’t place too much importance on that one girl.
If there’s anything i’ve said that’s too blunt for you, i’ll just say, the more you get hurt here, the less you get hurt by the girls. Which do you want? The best welfare i can give you is tough reality check.
John
Hi John :P
I met this girl last friday night at a party – we got along great. Had awesome and meaningful conversations – the one where it gets the other person thinking not on a casual level but more personal. She also said that I have a nice smile :P
(Actually I met her on the bus a few weeks back but we did not talk, I met this other guy first at the party and later I found out him and her and some other girls were all housemates).
Anyways the day after I texted her saying it was awesome meeting you guys and that we should all catch up again. She replied about 2hrs later saying “hey marco how are you this morning? I thought you were a very interesting person and it was nice meeting you last night and we shud all hang out sometime”
So I replied after 1.5 hours saying “thanks for the compliment!”.
So I text her on Wednesday saying that we should all meet up for lunch on the weekend, I did not get her reply until today, basically 2 days passed and she decided to get back to me.
Her response basically was “hey marco how are you? I would love for us all to catch up but im going out with family this weekend. What about next week? What’s been happening and hows life?”
My mate said that since she made me wait I should do the same, so I figured I’ll just get back to her after a few days.
So John pls tell me :P lol. In your opinion is she trying to play hard to get and espeically with her responses? What should my next move be? :P
Hi John,
So I met this girl at a party, and she ended up giving me her number. A few days later we texted and went to see a movie together. A few days after that we hung out at a view. Long story short over the next 2 weeks things build up, we never texted 24/7 but atleast within 3 days, I started falling for her and she was starting to fall for me, hell we even made out a bunch.
Now this girl was always very nervous around me but she was really sweet, so I figured why not play my hand and drop my cards on the table, maybe it’d ease her nervousness. I did and told her that I had fallen for her and she took it well and told me she felt the same way. A few days later I pick her up and she takes me to this beautiful view under the stars where all of a sudden she decided to tell me she didn’t want a relationship. (odd place, huh?)
This is when things got confusing, she told me that she still liked me and that she could see us in a relationship but that she just needs some more time to think about it. Now I told her I’d wait under the condition that she was being truthful about still liking me.
We still continued to text and hang out together after that and I never pressured her about us being together, not even mentioning it. I just feel that lately shes just pulling away farther and farther, we’re hanging out less and texting less which is kind of a slap in the face because I told her all I ever expect is for her to be straight with me, I’d rather have a NO and move on rather than her trying to ignore me and at the time she promised she would.
I texted her about 4 days ago and we had a text convo about our weekends, I had to go to work were no cell phones are allowed so I replied to a text and sent another one 15 minutes after about her letting me know if shes free sometime this week. No reply so far. My buddies all tell me to just forget about her and I’m not the clingy type but I just feel like that if it were to end I’d at least want her to be straight with me, that’s all I ask.
I have no clue if she’s going through any personal trouble or if shes busy or really trying to ignore me and as said I feel like i’d act the fool being the one to text her a lot…
Am I overreacting? Should I just forget about her? Text her? Any help would be appreciated!
Hi marco,
So you’ve gotten yourself a girl to text to and she finds you great, she’s cool with meeting up with you for lunch or whatever.
I think the issue’s not huge. Since she’s expressed interest in actually meeting up, then you’re quite fine. Playing hard to get? Well, i’m not going to exclude this possibility, but there are indeed one thousand and one reasons why the first date flops because she has a family event, she has to feed her dog, watch her goldfish and stuff…
I’m sure eventually you’ll get your date and i think that’s pretty much your question. I’m not saying guarantee, but a girl who isn’t even willing to try will avoid you, and avoid making remarks that means anywhere near “i think we should meet up”. Of course, even if she’s saying she’s okay with it doesn’t guarantee it would happen. I’ve seen cases myself that they chicken out. So don’t say i didn’t warn you! Good luck mate!
Next move? Wait a couple of days or so and try again. Give it up to say 3-5 tries if you like. Anything above these and she isn’t trying to rearrange the flopped dates, i don’t think your time is worth the effort. Up to you!
John
Hi Sam,
The start off seemed pretty good but i think something cropped up in between, and i THINK it creeped in somewhere during the time you told her you love her.
It’s just a suspicion, im not saying it IS.
Look, there is this possibility that she is just being polite and saying logical stuff about you, like you’re nice, you’re cool, you’re patient and interesting.
The thing is this:
On the surface, it seems like you’ve got the whole package. BY RIGHT, there should be no reason to reject your pursuit. However, there is such a thing in this world called, “emotional decision”. I usually classify our decisions into two broad categories, of which the other is “logical decision”.
**
Have you ever had a friend whom you dislike, but is trying to get you to do stuff with him (yes, him, i meant a normal friend). Suggesting stuff such as long walks around the neighbourhood and stuff, which you obviously can’t stand because you KNOW you have nothing to say to him?
**
The logical reasoning is that you should give it a shot and maybe you’ll grow to like him as a friend, you’ll know more about him and stuff. But what does your emotional reasoning say? It says, “i just don’t FEEL like going out with him”.
Simple as that.
So coming back to your situation with this girl. She appeared “okay” to your initiation to see her as a girlfriend. What if her emotional decision is what you fear most, i.e. she doesn’t feel like being your girlfriend?
Hey, don’t get me wrong, im just stating a possibility.
I gathered from her response about slow replies, her “gentle outburst” that she doesn’t wanna be in a relationship. Not conclusive, but a girl who IS interested would give you a response sms, somehow. And a girl who is interested in you wouldn’t kill her chances like that. Have you ever had a crush on a person and your friends would make you say you hate her in front of her and you wouldn’t do it because you were afraid it might hurt your chances? If yes, there you go. If not, imagine it.
So, at the last part you were frantically imagining some really horrible scenarios like her getting into trouble. Hey, chill… Like i used to say, there are a million and one reasons why a sms reply is slow. From convincing ones to doubtful ones to really silly and stupid reasons, you name it, i’ve come across it. Don’t panic, be cool and get back to her in a few days’ time.
I’m not going to advise forcing her to give a final showdown about how she feels about you, but use your instincts. Could you see yourself burning trying to see whether she really wants you as her boyfriend? If not, try another girl. Keep your options open and don’t put this one girl on a pedestal and you should do fine.
John
Hi John,
Thanks for the reply! Lots of good advice!
Here’s a few things I guess I didn’t clarify, I never told her that I loved her, I just told her that I liked her(you know the difference!), thinking back on it I don’t even remember asking her to be my girlfriend or even mentioning anything about a relationship until she told me she needed more time. (aside from the fact I do or rather did want a relationship at that time, I just never verbally told her)
Also, she was the one to make all the first moves. She gave me her number, she got in touch with me the day after we first met, she was the one to start cuddling, she was the one to start kissing. What was I suppose to think? Then all of a sudden, BAM, “I need more time”.
I guess what irks me is the whole immaturity of the entire situation, it reminds me of dating back in high school.
Now I’ve been shut down before and I’ve also had success before so I know the common warning signs, but with this girl I have NO CLUE WHAT’S GOING ON.
Also, as an update to the situation she did end up texting me, and we’ve been texting back and forth ever since, of course nothing but casual/small talk and humor. I’ve just been neutral, haven’t asked her out, obviously not mentioning anything about “us”. If I only knew what was going on through her mind, I don’t even know anymore how to approach this situation or if I even want to.
Lets just say she did have a change of heart and just doesn’t want anything to do with me, why text me again after a long silence? I mean even for a girl that would feel bad about shutting someone down, wouldn’t silence be preferable over starting up talking again? Or at least focusing the text on the good ol’ “you’re a nice guy BUT…” to get the point across to me. I mean i sure wouldn’t want to break the silence in her position, I’d be happy thinking “maybe he gets the point of me not being interested now.” I mean we don’t share friends or frequent any places where we’d bump into eachother, if we don’t talk thats it, she doesn’t even have to risk getting confronted by me face to face.
I know this girl is the type to just ignore those she doesnt want to deal with, she even told me so when we first met, so again I have no clue what’s up with her.
I guess my only card to play is staying neutral when talking to her and wait until she asks me to go hang out with her.
However, any further advice/input would be greatly appreciated!
Hi john,
i met this gal in class…i hadn’t noticed her till she talked to me.we started textn.we texted alot for like 2days.this was a month ago.i normally see her in class on saturday and we talk fine and i think she enjoys my company(she waits for me so we leave together till the car park) but within the week if i call her she doesnt seem too enthusiastic about meeting me in school.she normally leaves school after class and if i text her asking her to text me when she leaves class she texts me when she is on the bus already??? so am left wondering what goes on in the week.last saturday she wanted cake and i bought her some so i felt like she was getting comfy but the next day we were texting then she just went dead and didnt reply.so what is going on here?
hi john
i met this girl 2 yrs back and she s in arelationship that time and she a nd me r friends from that time bi=ut i like her so much,now she broke up with that guy,and he s also my friend and i dont want to break my friendship,but i love her so much since i first saw her,and 2 days back i told her that i like her much and she said dont worry its all cool thank you :p and i moved 300 miles away from her so what to do next i cannot even take her out as i am far from her what to do please reply
Hi Brian,
In summary, you were saying that this girl whom you thought was getting comfy with you through signs such as texting and taking your cake, but later on, she went dead on you.
Anyway, i have an idea. Texting a lot as compared to actually meeting the person and speaking, will eventually make meeting up awkward. Really. It is like you’ve already said everything over the phone that when it comes to actually interacting personally, you can’t achieve the same level of friendliness/excitment. That’s one.
Two, from how you said about her only texting you when she’s on the bus, leaving you behind, it is simple language. In case you were hoping for something else, let me translate it for you. It means, “i don’t think meeting each other like that is a good idea”. The problem comes when you try to confront her and ask her why, she’s going to give you some crap reason (real or false, we’ll never know), which renders you unable to question her anymore. In any case, avoid that. That’s needy behaviour.
Thirdly, i know it’s nice giving the girl what she wants and all… Being nice is actually good for friendship. Only. To the girl, what she sees is that, “this is just another guy who tries to buy my favour with stuff he gives me”. What you need to give the girl is some excitment. Some teasing. Have fun. It’s abstract, but i could show you some examples if you would give me some text examples you usually send. Just to check whether this is the portion of you that is holding you back.
Lastly, the unfortunate thing about this is that, even if you do manage to fix all of the above things i’ve said, it doesn’t guarantee the girl wants you. A lot of the magic is made right from the start, and not fixing it along the way.
But learning and actually applying it can definitely promise you some fun along the way! For the record, I usually experiment fun and teasing stuff on girls i do not like or used to like, so that when i actually get to the new girl, it comes just like that. Got that?
Hear from you soon,
John
Hi James,
Your problem is very unfortunate, but simple.
You like a girl who was your buddy’s ex and actually confessed your love to her after she broke up with your buddy 2 years later and then you are moving away real far.
The problem is, you want the girl who never returned her feelings. You want the same girl who used to be your best mate’s without ruining your friendship with him. You then cannot continue to pursue her because you’ll be about 300miles away from her after confessing to her.
Solution?
This is only a problem if you insist on going for the girl. I assure you its going to be tiring and not worth the effort. My advice? Get more options. Know the girls in your neighbourhood or class, or something you go to frequently. Begin from there.
Why insist on diving into a pool of shit to get a gem when you can get a better gem somewhere with half the effort and more guarantee? Pardon the analogy, this is to help you understand what you are actually trying to do.
Regards,
John
I dont know why noone mentioned this but not all girls are into text messaging.
I recently went out with a guy who i sort of liked but my interest in him was not definite. He asked me out afterwards by text. Basically I was really tired and just taking a nap, and he texted me to ask me out because he was in the neighborhood, and then texted again to say “never mind”. I never even heard the messages because I was sleeping.
The text messaging combined with despair over me not answering right away sealed my disinterest in him. If he had balled up and given me a phone call and not acted desperate due to me not immediately replying, I would have gone out with him.
Also texts should only be used to exchange practical information. I almost never answer “how are you” texts. This is likely to lead to a texting conversation and I only use texting for practical exchanges, like addresses, where/when to meet, etc.
Hi bbb,
It’s always good to have some female opinion on the subject matter and yes, there ARE girls who are not into text messaging, thanks for bringing that up. I understand what you mean by “balling up” to actually call you instead of texting. But similar to how some people like to text is a subjective matter, your preference to only use text for “practical” information exchange is subjective as well.
Of course, if all that guy does is never call you and just texting for dates and basically everything, well, you were right in dumping him. But i think a texting conversation has its perks too. It’s what i call a conversation in slow-mo. Sometimes bantering can be done over text (and its a whole new chapter on how actually to do that properly) instead of verbal exchange which probably lasts what, 5 minutes? If bantering to and fro were done right, it would be pretty interesting and fun which then fills the entire day with suspense, and many cute encounters and exchanges.
Also, texts can always be thought about and returned later which actually has the effect of being more of him/herself without the actual stress. Now i know what you’ll say, if that guy can’t handle stress he isn’t fit to be with you. You might be right on the money with that, but put yourself in a guy’s shoes, would you have such unshakable confidence? All the time? It’s a whole different thing to expect good stuff versus being expected to do good stuff.
And for calls, you can’t talk about random stuff. It’s lame. And probably, you’d be too busy to entertain such things. Furthermore, you can’t call up a girl just to give her a few pokes verbally. If anything, other than agreeing with your point, the flipside stands true for me as well. I.e. calling is for business that must be done immediately and too inefficient to wait, like confirming location of each other. Now you wouldn’t want to ask your date where he is by using text and lo and behold, his phone vibrates for what, 1 second?
Its just another perspective, nothing against you. You were right but there are other perspectives that are equally right which you might have missed, we all do. For if i meant to fire at you, i would have been unkind. i really appreciate a good female opinion, its like a gold mine to us guys over here. Thanks for the heads up and hopefully you can find a little enjoyment over texts. Take life a little slower, enjoy that people take time to craft you a little message when they know you can’t answer immediately and loosen up!
Many thanks,
John
Heya John, im in need of some good advice and I found your posts. Here is the jist of things:
I met this girl back in June at the local fair and we hit it off great that day. The next day I went on facebook to try to maybe look for her and add her (Just being friendly) and found and messaged her, at first her messages were very friendly like “We need to hang again!” Or “I had alot of fun etc” Well come to find out her boyfriend got on her facebook, and then started acting like her… So things got a lil awkward.
Later she texted me on my cell and said “Im so sorry that was my bf being an ass” So the next few months went by and I really did like this girl, and we would hang out from time to time and everytime we would hang out she ALWAYS smiled at me, would bump into me, if I sat on the couch she would hurry to the couch to sit by me, and then act like she need a place to rest her feet or head and would just use me… little stuff like that on and off… But I was biding my time and didn’t want to push anything until her and her boyfriend were through, and actually would kinda give her the cold shoulder at times when she would come to hang with me.
Well finally she broke up with her boyfriend because he was apparently very controlling, and now just recently I finally told her how I felt all this time, and looking back since I first met her and brung up little facts about certain times we hung out that felt special to me, to see if she felt the same, but I didn’t want to act on it because I respected the fact she had a boyfriend at the time.
Well come to find out she felt the same exact way she said, and says she is VERYYY sorry she put me through that and can’t believe I waited for her.
Now this is where I need help:
So the other night we go on our official first little date thing, (and not going to lie im a little shy, but normally ive always gotten girls by playing the modest good guy anyway) So I kinda pulled that trick again, and we were watching movies and cuddling all through the evening, joking around, just having good fun. Well… Im afraid I messed things up perhaps, because I didn’t kiss her when I took her back home, I didn’t want to feel too pushy… Well the next day I was going to just wait for her to text me and she knew I had a thing I do with the guys on this particular day. So when I got done with the guys I tried texting her only to get one word texts, Like I texted her “Hey I had a really good time last night and sorry I didn’t text you sooner I was out with my guys friends” Which then she texts back, “Oh it’s fine I kinda figured you were with the guys so I didn’t want to bother you.” And then when I try to text her after the fact, I get alot of one word texts like “awwhh” or “Haha wow” or even “Mmhmm but with a :) ” Like what gives, just the other nite we were pretty much all over eachother without the make out session, and now it feels like were aliens when we text?
So any help would be very appreciated =] and sorry this was a little long.
hey friend its my fast time to love agirl in my life. now this lady i seen in my chat friend room i chat wit her fast time she not answerd ofline the phone second day online the phone a greet her she answer me third day ask he phone number she send fõr me i also send for her my phone number she immeditely cal me we greet each other now i beg her to be a good friend each other she told me ok forth day i told i love her so much she promised me also told me i love u 2 me also i never seen her face since 9 mo
Hi Tony,
It’s interesting to see for once that a guy waits for a girl to break up with her boyfriend and actually succeed with hooking up at the end. This is a first for me. Anyway, irrelevant.
Onto your question about the one-word replies, I’d say, you’re getting a little too insecure. Hey, like you said, you were all over each other just the day before. The first thing that came to my mind is this: you already are getting what you need from a girl (technically speaking, not that you’re a total ass who plays with girls for their body), and you’re getting vexed over texts?
If you really want an explanation, i’ll try to give you one. Imagine the previous night you and another girl (just for example) in bed were having some hot passionate sex. When you wake up the next morning, are you really expecting her to be all excited and all warm to you? It’ll be awkward, as with any other situations similar to this, people cool down. There’s no cause for worry, i mean, she likes you romantically, and i take it as she is already your girlfriend, and that’s all the reassurance you need.
Also, there are a million and one reasons why someone would give one word replies. Hey, at least its something, if you really think about it. She bothered to try to continue the conversation, although its a little small effort. She could be busy, or just afraid that she’s texting you too much etc. We could list down a million things and it will never be exhaustive. So in conclusion, get your game together. Stop feeling insecure over small things, in your case. To many other guys who have not got the girl, texts are a huge thing. But in your case, it is considered small because i assume you two are already together. You have larger things that are true causes for worry.
Chill out man,
John
Hey. I like this guy but he has a girlfriend. We communicate mostly through text. I met him last year. And since I started liking him, I started texting even more, in order to get his attention. To be really honest, I was hopeful. And we chatted through texts. He is open, easy going and honest. I told him that I like him through text. He said he can take me on a date. Now we kept texting. But he has a life of his own, and a busy one. I kept texting and it happened so that when he got drunk, we talked dirty. Then after some time I felt disgusted because it seemed like I am a concubine of some sort. So I started insisting on walking away and that also I told him and went mad on him, seriously overreacting. My mistake. Sigh. The hope still has’t gone away. I text and wait for his reply, sometimes. I really like him, and there are many reasons. But the truth is he doesn’t know me much, and we never got to spend too much time together since we live in different cities. And so he doesn’t like me that way. I am not able to gte over this crush, I have tried hard. I need some help. I don’t want to appear needy before him, which I never do when it’s somebody other than him. I want to attract him but not force him into it. He is in a long distance relationship and it seems to me that he loves her, genuinely. I want to get rid of my texting him and waiting for replies. What should I do?
Hi Venus,
I understand about what liking a person is like. But let’s do a reality check. A person already in a relationship, and you want his attention and maybe become his girlfriend. I think this is hardly any rocket science, you know that it is an uphill battle, and THAT is an understatement of your “problem”.
If there’s any way to kill that problem, it begins with you. He isn’t going to tell you anything. Stop since you know you are going nowhere, unless going nowhere is where you want to go. I text girls in a relationship with the mindset that i KNOW we won’t get anywhere. I do that as a form of practice, to learn to socialise without repercussions. For your case, you’re doing it because you have a crush on him and want him. That’s not right, generally, unless you have some other overriding reason over mine.
Next, open up your options. Meet more people, and meet more people. If you are still schooling, classes of another discipline works. If you are mid 20s onwards, go take part in some social activities or yoga classes of that sort. Parties. Anywhere that lets you know guys in a safe environment is a good start.
There is no point in expecting from something that you know isn’t going to come.
Also, picture yourself in the girlfriend’s shoes. Is it reasonable that some other girl wants your boyfriend when you got to him first have not broken up yet?
There you go.
John
All right. I need to overcome the impulse to text/ call him. But I have failed many times, sigh. I would try it one more time. And this time, using the strength of mind.
And oh, I am a 19 year old law student. And I think because of him, I am blocking my option window.
Basically I have tried to get over him, and all in vain. My vacations are going on, hence not really busy. I would make myself involved in activities that will do me good. And forget him. You think it will work?
Thank you so much.
Hi Venus,
See, most of the times you already knew the answer to your own question. You knew that stopping yourself from texting him is the key to killing that sick feeling when he ignores you and other unpleasant stuff.
The next important thing is how able are you to go socialise? I know people who simply hate that, so they wait for such settings to come by naturally, like classes when school start and co-curricular activities (which is the slower way). If you are feeling up to it, or you are a natural when it comes to going out there, GO! Don’t wait if you want to get over him fast. Pining for him to take note of you isn’t going to work in a thousand years. He is not going to suddenly decide that you are worth it. If it takes him so much to realise how good you are, he’s probably not worthy of you.
Basically, anything that gets you other guys (safely) will work better than what you are doing now.
You’re 19 and oh, do you already have suitors? Consider that option, if you are looking for a get-him-off-my-mind activity. Take note of your fans can make you feel liked and you know that they appreciate you for what you are. But ignore the sick stalkers, of course.
If you have the looks of Maggie Q, hell, all you’ve got to do is sit there and look pretty, guys’ll come. An advantage exclusive to women.
Til next time,
John
Hi John,
I’ve got this problem which I has bothered me physiologically so much these past few days. Basically there’s this girl who i met online. The most amazing girl ever. This was back in October. We met in person once in the half term holidays and I took like 2 trains to get to her.
We both agreed ourselves into a relationship. A long distance one I suppose. Ive chatted with her for nearly everyday since October, on Christmas Eve we talked for 12 hours straight (webcam/text).
So on Christmas day I told her I wouldn’t be able to talk, because I had to grandmas for Christmas. On that christmas eve she told me she got a new phone. Which I forgot to take down her new number.
Now on Boxing day she sent me a message over Messenger
“I miss you hope we can talk soon”
and I was offline at the time.
I came online 2 hours after that message and she wasn’t there. I thought to myself that it was ok I’ll talk to her 2morro. I’ve waited nearly a week now and I still have had no contact from her, I’m so worried. I don’t have her phone number, she doesnt come online (as most of our talking is online). I don’t have contact with any of her friends. I’m literally blocked off from her altogether, I’ve tried everything. The only thing I can do is go meet her, which again is impossible cuz I’m 16 and I can’t drive and I got exams in 11 days and my mum doesn’t let me out the house!!!!! (she’s also 16).
I can’t leave her cuz she way to special to me; first girl I ever planned my future with, and I don’t think she’s doing this to ignore me, cuz the last conversation we had was special to the both of us, and she sent me a message that she missed me, so I’m guessing she not doing this intentionally.
We have been talking nearly everyday since October, unless I told her otherwise. This is the longest time I’ve been apart from talking to her, and to top it all off I’m just getting a feeling that she’s been involved with an accident or something I just don’t no what to do!!!
Dear Jack,
Your main problem was about breaking contact from the girl, instead of the girl ignoring you (at least i think it is). Since you have not had any confirmation whatsoever, i strongly suggest you to get a grip. I’m going to try laying things out for you a little to help you get a little control.
The last thing SHE said to you was so and so, which i think, a person who was preparing to leave you alone, won’t say. Now, she has a new phone. She gave you the number, or not, whatever, you did not note it down or did not have it anyway, whatever, that’s why she is now out of reach, instead of due to a squabble or fight or some dishonesty issues.
Now most important thing is to calm the hell down, i guess that’s something to do with being 16, young and imaginative and hallucinating, might i add. Then, try to establish some contact. I.e. Leave an offline message to her. Tell her to leave you something you can reach her with, phone number, email. Jack, you just pick and choose and decide yourself on that. Then, the worst part. Wait.
I hope you weren’t expecting any miracles from me, because i am only human. If and really IF, you receive NOTHING, after, like, saying explicitly what it takes to establish contact, meaning a clear request, then we can either drop this girl, or, do a last search and rescue. Go to her. Take a train, take a plane, whatever, i’m sure you won’t rest until you have gotten the answer yourself. Personally, i think it is better to live and die with a bad answer than a question.
Nothing i have said is super divine intervention stuff, but i hope it helps, and great luck to finding your love.
John
Hey John,
one day i was spekaing to her and told her i would get her a game she really wanted the next day she completely ignored me.
Just to say re’ Josh? You’re talking absolute TRASH John – First you tell him NOT to talk to her/she’s got a BF he has NOT a hope in Hell etc THEN? You tell him to BE positive & talk to her? WHICH is it to be idiot?
Anyway – ALL women ALWAYS tell you the COMPLETE opposite to how/what they REALLY want from you – EVERYone knows that & whose to say? That your current (would be) Beau’s BF Josh? Didn’t TAKE her from someone else so? If you ask me? Do this. BE masculine – BE a man – TAKE the initiative – Go out, be SEEN with OTHER women BY her or her friends (trust me – Word WILL get back to her soon enough – Then? You’ll see if she’s REALLY interested in you). DON’T follow her around or text her like a puppy dog – Wait for HER to text YOU, Then? Reply at YOUR leisure – Look at like THIS? She is LUCKY to have a CHANCE of pulling YOU rather than the opposite being true mate.
In short my friend Josh? Ignore EVERYTHING that utter FOOL John said – TAKE your courage in BOTH hands – MAKE Yourself noticeable among & around women? And above all? Make Absolutely SURE She finds out ALL about it AND stay in contact with her during all this but? Remember – Do it ALL on YOUR terms. IF she likes you (and if she doesn’t BEFORE doing all this? She soon WILL)? She’ll SOON come running & you’ll NEVER lose her after. Above ALL else though Josh? Do NOT act like a puppy dog, wounded/just good friends manner – THAT? Will push her AWAY & ruin ANY chance you have with her. Go on my friend – Go out there & DO it now. The WORLD is your oyster – Remember Positivity, Confidence & BE a Man. Women LOVE men who TAKE the lead – MAKE them follow & DON’T leave time for arguments. They’re hardwired that way WhatEVER they might say. Play on that. And even if you DON’T get your Lady Love (or so you hope?) You’ll end up with A woman which is better than a sad old wreck like me. Best of Luck & if you’ve got ANY sense? It’s now here goes nothing – Take the plunge & dive in – You KNOW it makes sense…………….
Hey John,
Im curious, i see your help above and can agree and relate to a lot of it, fantastic direction mate :)
Right, now some back story lol.
A year ago i was unhappy, living with my ex who had cheated on me twice, i was 20 stone (yes, 20 stone lol) and i was smoking weed everyday to hide from my failing relationshp and my horrible 70 hour a week job, suddenly, i grew some balls, i ended it with her, moved out of our rented house back home and thought things were getting better. in the next few weeks my aunt died and i got made redundant.
I decided to loose weight and started running, withing 6 months i had dropped to 13.7stone and was looking a lot better, feeling a lot better and then my adventours began.
I always had gfs, but never one night stands, in the next 3 months i racked up six, even with telling them that its sex nothing else, my charm and this new figure seemed to just attract them, if i had the money to go out every weekend it would have been more lol.
Then i met this girl (uh oh lol) and foudn that she was three weeks out of a horrible relationship, but she was amazing, i mean gorgoues, funny, geeky lol, everything that i wanted, so i carried on texting for a few weeks and we met up, house on fire from there, except she was caught up on her ex cause of a lot of bad shit that happened. well we come to new year, she had practically lived with me while her son was at her dads for a few days, and she stops the whole thing, on the night shes going to a party which her ex would be attending. now she was going with her fmaily and there wasnt a chance they would let anything happen, but she was so messed up she said it was unfair to me.
so i had a terrible new years, she was everywhere i looked, but not there at all. until 1 oclock when she turns up drunk and stays at mine, to promtly kill again the next day saying she needed time.
well i gave her a week and she came back, tellingme she had missed me like mad and decided that this guys was a dick and i was awesome and thogh she isnt ready for a relationship, she didnt want to loose what we had (we had never been offical, even though we acted like it).
So now im letting her drive, she texts me, she leads, some days she cant stop, today its been nealry 24 hours and nothing, yeah it drives me a bit mad, cause honestly im head of heels for this girl, but i am feeling myself put up walls now, im getting ready incase it fails, though i know shes stopping at mine friday.
i think if this was a year on and her head was straight, we could be amazing, i know shes been through a ton of shit and i probably should run, but the end of the day its easy to sleep with people you dont care about and then break it off, this however, is very real and after 5 serious realtionships i know that, hanging in is a bitch lol.
Just wondering what you take from that and if im nuts or not lol
cheers
c
Simon,
First off, i’ll like to say that on many counts you said the right things about being a man and “take the plunge & dive in”. Although with that agreement, it doesn’t mean what I said was completely wrong.
There were places that you probably misunderstood and it looks like you’ve read something from me and distorted it, hence making it sound totally ridiculous. That is a straw man argument attempt and it is a fallacy you’ve committed. By your first accusation, i’m saying that you can’t have high hopes on someone who already has a boyfriend. Come on, it is a lower chance than someone who isn’t attached. You can’t get away with that. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t talk to her. These two events are not mutually exclusive. And of course, there is no need for that extra noun “idiot”, especially if you’re in a civilized exchange of ideas. And there is a chance that you might have misunderstood and that noun would end up pointing at you.
About all women saying the complete opposite of what they mean… Well, i’ve heard that one before. What i’m saying is that, that is conventional wisdom. But it is to be taken with a pinch of salt. Who’s going to believe a sweeping statement anyways? I’d rather keep that idea in mind, while keeping myself clear of what i’m hearing from women. If everything they say are complete opposites, wouldn’t that be so convenient? At this part, i would still agree with you about being brave and being seen by her friends and people, that’s one sure way and manly way of doing stuff, no problem with that. Up till now, nothing you’ve said has direct contradictions with what i’ve mentioned so far.
Over here, again, there is no need for the noun “fool”. If you think i’m wrong, you have your opinion. You could advise these guys over here otherwise. If what you said works for them, then it’s cool.
Then being a puppy dog and stuff about being wimpy, well, at least i’ve never told anyone to be a helpless wimpy wuss to the girl and hoping that the girl would like them. So there is no conflict yet..
All in all, Simon, what’s with the “sad old wreck like me” thing? You mean to say that after knowing all these stuff, you’re as you said “a sad old wreck”? If you ask me, it’s your attitude. Just look at how you’ve brought across your points. With CAPS here and there, now THAT’S something everyone will identify with to mean shouting and generally, that is rude behaviour. That would be writing etiquette. Yes, that would be rather universal, at least for countries that use English as their spoken and written language, more universal that your “opposites theory”. It is very good to be a man to these woman out there, but being nasty with words like “idiot” and “fool”, i ask, which woman would want you? Being a leader, being a man, being a brave and manly figure is very different from being someone who uses derogatory terms to describe someone whom you think might have the wrong idea about something you think you have a good knowledge of. I think these guys over here have a very good idea who to listen to.
Remember, we’re just here to share and help guys who might have problems with women. Flaming someone to get your point across isn’t a great way. If you think you can help, share your ideas properly so we can all learn. If sharing to help isn’t your purpose, then why visit this page?
To all guys who visit this page: If there’s anything that i’ve said that you feel is contradictory, please point it out nicely, i may have a good explanation to what i mean. If i am genuinely mistaken, i’ll try to reconcile the discrepancy. If any guys have better material to share, feel free to share it. If the help material is targeted at someone, then address it nicely. A help page isn’t a help page if the helper is rude, right?
Hear from you guys soon,
John
Ok I get it but what if you keep texting with that girl till the point that you ask her to be your girl friend she couldn’t make up her mind because she thought that it would be weird because your such good friend and your like I kindof liked you more then a friend since I met you!! You ask her if she doesn’t like you but she says she does so in the end she is your GF!! You keep texting and you ask her out to the movies she wants to but on that day she says that her parents won’t let her and that’s the end of it you message her because you like girlfriend and boyfriend but she never replys to any of your message!! You start thinking that her phone brocke or something so you wait. But nothing ever happens so then you sister is like I saw you girlfriend and she did have her phone and she was texting with someone or something so your like WTF does this mean that you don’t have a girlfriend no more because you didn’t make it Facebook official?!
Hi Jose,
If you’ve already made it as her boyfriend, like she agreed to it and stuff, then i guess texting isn’t really your main issue, nor should it be your main arsenal of things you should do with her. Not that it should be a main thing while the pursuit.
The truth about texting is that it is a soft approach to talking to a girl. It somehow has a shielding effect for guys who use it because the trouble of stuttering and loss for words is taken away. But no one ever said that you should keep texting because it will come across as needy and also irritating. The key words are “keep texting”, which is something we should all not do, and texting should be done in moderation.
It is just but a tool, a means to reaching out. Of course if you are comfortable with calling up and other more “manly” approaches, go ahead. In this case, since you’re already her boyfriend, that shouldn’t be the issue. Face to face interaction should be the key thing, not online chatting.
About your question about “does this mean she isn’t your girlfriend just because she doesn’t text back when obviously she has her phone with her”, well, there are many reasons for that, in which one of them could be too frequent texting which causes her to take you for granted. And irritation. But i think it shouldn’t result in a drastic consequence like a break up unless there are dishonesty issues involved or extreme irritation. Parents too. A lot of reasons. You could check if you can’t live with the uncertainty, or you could just wait a few days, and like, ask her out or something. If things return back to normal, you may let it slide. Not everyone replies to every single text. Applies to you too, doesn’t it?
P.s. I totally dig what you said and how you feel when you know she has her phone with her, she’s got the time and all but didn’t text you back. It’s not a great feeling. I know that. She doesn’t.
Regards,
John
Hey John,
(i did post above but i think simon jumped in and i got missed lol)
Im curious, i see your help above and can agree and relate to a lot of it, fantastic direction mate :)
Right, now some back story lol.
A year ago i was unhappy, living with my ex who had cheated on me twice, i was 20 stone (yes, 20 stone lol) and i was smoking weed everyday to hide from my failing relationshp and my horrible 70 hour a week job, suddenly, i grew some balls, i ended it with her, moved out of our rented house back home and thought things were getting better. in the next few weeks my aunt died and i got made redundant.
I decided to loose weight and started running, withing 6 months i had dropped to 13.7stone and was looking a lot better, feeling a lot better and then my adventours began.
I always had gfs, but never one night stands, in the next 3 months i racked up six, even with telling them that its sex nothing else, my charm and this new figure seemed to just attract them, if i had the money to go out every weekend it would have been more lol.
Then i met this girl (uh oh lol) and foudn that she was three weeks out of a horrible relationship, but she was amazing, i mean gorgoues, funny, geeky lol, everything that i wanted, so i carried on texting for a few weeks and we met up, house on fire from there, except she was caught up on her ex cause of a lot of bad shit that happened. well we come to new year, she had practically lived with me while her son was at her dads for a few days, and she stops the whole thing, on the night shes going to a party which her ex would be attending. now she was going with her fmaily and there wasnt a chance they would let anything happen, but she was so messed up she said it was unfair to me.
so i had a terrible new years, she was everywhere i looked, but not there at all. until 1 oclock when she turns up drunk and stays at mine, to promtly kill again the next day saying she needed time.
well i gave her a week and she came back, tellingme she had missed me like mad and decided that this guys was a dick and i was awesome and thogh she isnt ready for a relationship, she didnt want to loose what we had (we had never been offical, even though we acted like it).
So now im letting her drive, she texts me, she leads, some days she cant stop, today its been nealry 24 hours and nothing, yeah it drives me a bit mad, cause honestly im head of heels for this girl, but i am feeling myself put up walls now, im getting ready incase it fails, though i know shes stopping at mine friday.
i think if this was a year on and her head was straight, we could be amazing, i know shes been through a ton of shit and i probably should run, but the end of the day its easy to sleep with people you dont care about and then break it off, this however, is very real and after 5 serious realtionships i know that, hanging in is a bitch lol.
Just wondering what you take from that and if im nuts or not lol
cheers
c