“Maybe in the next post you can cover what to do/not to do when your ex does contact you. I’m in the boat right now and not sure what to make of this unexpected ‘how are you?’ from her.”
This was the comment on the last post 7 Ways to Stop Waiting For Your Ex to Text or Call left by my name brother Alex.
As I have already promised, I am going to listen even more to my readers, and well, here you go.
I have been standing in the exact same situation many times. Maybe I am not over her yet. Maybe I am kind of in the greyland. Maybe I have already moved on. Whatever my situation may be, the phone rings: it’s her.
She’s simply calling me up to hear how I am doing. She asks me how I have been.
The phone call can go in many directions, but in my experience most often it leads to a rather pleasant conversation. You strike up some old memories, laugh and underneath it all, there still lies some sexual tension.
When you hang up, you feel good. You may even have a slight smirk on your face. But then it hits you: what did it mean? And your mind starts to work on high velocity to process all these new thoughts.
What now?
Does she want to get back together? Did you say something wrong? And you also start to question whether you’re really over her or not. A call like that can really stir up your mind, and usually be pretty confusing when you start thinking about it.
In this post, I am going to give you some simple solutions to cope with these rather normal problems.
The advice that’s going to flow through the whole of the article is this: don’t think too much about it.
Overanalyzing
What many guys are prone to do is to overanalyze things. That’s our nature. The capability to analyze like that gives us many strengths and opportunities, but it also has it downsides. One of the most noticeable is that the energy you spend on analyzing, let’s just take the phone call as an example, is taken away from other activities in your life.
And when analyzing something, especially when it comes to an (ex) girlfriend, there’s a tendency to go way overboard with it. There comes a point where there’s just nothing more to add, and that’s the point where most guys go wrong.
They keep on thinking about it, even though there’s nothing more to think about!
You don’t have to be a scientist to understand why that’s not useful. As I said before, the energy you spend thinking about something is taken away from other tasks at hand.
This premise, that guys overanalyze stuff like ex’s contacting them again, is not to be taken lightly.
Because when there is nothing more to add, they will most likely, unconscious about it, make something up. And the most common thing to “make up” is the hope and belief that she wants to get back together.
This is where it gets tricky.
Getting back together?
Do you really want to get back together?
Ponder this question. Your first answer might be yes – that’s natural (also from a biological point of view). In your prehistoric brain, sex is goood. Sex makes babies. Babies make you pappa. Pappa is goood. Pappa means passing on genes!
You get the point.
But when you really give it some thought, what you most likely will come up with is that no, you don’t want to get back together. The reasons are not what important, the important thing is that you can actually feel, way down, that you’re not supposed to be with each other.
Everything happens for a reason
I believe that everything happens for a reason, and when life throws something hard at you, like heartbreak with an (ex) girlfriend, it’s an opportunity to grow. Whether it’s God or the Universe or whatever you call it who “throws it at you”, it’s an opportunity. It’s a help in direction, an unknown force lending you some help in choosing the right path.
Or maybe this force tells you that you have taken a dead end, and that you must go a few steps back to walk the new path.
I like this analogy, because it’s easy to understand, and it makes everything not only happen for a reason, but also for the greater good. It actually says that whatever happens, it’s for the best.
Fight or flee, it’s your choice
That doesn’t mean that you should blindly accept anything life or God throws at you – sometimes you need to fight.
And the only way to know when it’s right to fight is to listen. Listen to yourself; listen to your heart.
I know that I am threading on deep waters here, but I just thought that this simple advice can help some people, as it has helped me. Anyway, let’s get back to the concrete talk on how to respond and act when an ex girlfriend contacts you again.
It didn’t mean anything
I think that the most important thing you can focus on if you’re having thoughts about you and your ex again after a call, is that it didn’t mean anything.
Don’t try to figure out why she did it – you can’t. You will never know, and it really doesn’t matter.
The important thing is that it has no meaning; she could have had millions of reasons to contact you. Maybe she was struck by the thought that you were sick, maybe she missed you, maybe she felt alone or maybe she had an abundance of energy and had to use it on something… and the list goes on.
You see what we’re doing here? We’re overanalyzing things. And it doesn’t lead anywhere at all! It’s 100% unnecessary.
So I really want you to try to stop overanalyzing. Don’t force it; just tell yourself that your thoughts are just that – merely thoughts.
You are not your thoughts
You are not your brain or your thoughts, you are you. Nothing more, nothing less.
The actual conversation
As for the actual conversation, just be casual and friendly. Politely answer her questions and keep the conversation going, but don’t stay on it for too long, especially if you’re uncomfortable with the situation.
If the conversation drags on, simply tell her that you have to go. It was nice chatting – goodbye and have a good day.
It’s as easy as that.
And don’t start flirting too much, either. You don’t want to send the wrong signals, do you?
Here are 6 easy tips to handle your ex contacting you again:
- Be cool. It’s easier said than done, but do your best to keep your cool. Don’t be overexcited to hear from her, just be laidback about it. Relax!
- It didn’t mean anything. Don’t start overanalyzing. She called you, you talked, and that’s it.
- Move on. She most likely has.
- Don’t secretly wish that you’re going to get back together. You most likely won’t, and if you do, it will most likely fail. Really ask yourself why. Write it down, get it out.
- Learn. Everything is an opportunity to learn something about yourself. So is this. You’ll get some profound self-understanding if you keep your mind open to it.
- Be honest. This is my evergreen advice. Be honest with her, and be honest with yourself. Real honest. Not some bullshit “Maybe / I think” stuff, no. That doesn’t cut it.
That’s it guys.
If you have any questions at all, don’t hesitate for a second to contact me. Or write a comment. Or chime in on the forums. I would love to see you over there!
Let me hear your thoughts on the article below.
Also, I highly encourage you to check out my book called “The Ex-Girlfriend Solution”. It includes everything you ever wanted to know about getting over your ex and moving on with your life. It takes you right from the break-up to your new relationship, and it answers all the questions I get all the time, like “what to do if she wants to be friends”, “how to avoid being distracted by thoughts about her”, “how to fall asleep when I miss her” etc… Read more about it here!
Photos by aphasiafilms and Grace.
The Ex-Girlfriend Solution
Based on my own experiences, and the experiences of all the men that I have been teaching over the years, “The Ex-Girlfriend Solution” is founded on solid advice that works for everybody. Designed to eliminate the hassle of a break-up, it cuts right to the chase and gives you the absolute best advice available.
So act now and click here!
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This is for ALL the MEN who had a ‘Woman” mess with your heart…BEST MOVE…”Leave her ALONE”…Why?…Well, Let her think about ‘What YOU are DOING”(When not contacting her)…This WILL drive HER NUTS!!!..Know this…”Women LOVE to CONTROL!”..So, DO NOT ALLOW THEM (by TELLING your “TRUE WANTING” for HER in your life)…If you DO…You will LOSE HER…FOR SURE!!!…Bottom line…If you WAIT for HER TO CONTACT YOU, You will “Gain Control” of her!…THEN(After you get her attention)…DUMP HER…Why?…Well, you will find in the end, that, YOU DESERVE BETTER!
Good luck!!!
With all due respect, I think that the above is mostly terrible advice, and probably only applicable to people who’ve not been dating or in a relationship for very long. Sure, there are reasons why people grow apart. However, I believe that we give up too easily thesedays — there’s too much temptation and not enough perseverance / commitment. If the love was there once, then it can be there again — gold doesn’t become anything else if it’s dipped in mud.
I’d say, leave the door open for a way back to your ex.
I’ve appreciate reading both this article and the comments that go along with it. I broke up with my first girlfriend almost 3 months ago, and while I know it was what we both needed, it still hasn’t been easy. One thing that’s made it more difficult than necessary is that we work at the same place, live in the same small town, and have many of the same friends…definitely a bummer.
My dilemma right now is that since we’ve broken up, she’s contacted me on at least three occasions wanting to “talk” about our current situation. The first time I caved in (which I later regretted), the second time I brushed it off (“we’re just friends, let’s roll with it”), and now…she sent me a long text about how she was sorry we were no longer best friends, and how she misses having someone to confide in, and that she sometimes thinks I hate her and knows I’m only being her friend because I have to (WTF?! when did I do to indicate that??). I feel like while I’ve intentionally distanced myself, I’ve been nothing but kind to her since the break-up, so I have no idea where that all came from.
My question, to anyone that feels like providing an answer, is: should I address these onslaughts of emotion or just ignore them? On the one hand, addressing them might nip the problem in the bud, but ignoring means I never have to deal with them in the first place.
Thoughts?
@Wanderer – I recently ended a relationship with someone who I work with. The break-up was mutual and without conflict. We agreed to being just friends. The one thing you must know is that women are emotional, and let emotions carry them at times. As men, we have to have toughness for both us and them. I’m sure the day will come where she may get emotional and want to talk. I’ll stand the ground. We both know a relationship is not what we want from each other. She must be reminded.
In your case, once you broke up, there is no “our current” situation. She wanted to talk about “her” situation. She may feel insecure in the fact that you broke up. To a man, you have be careful. A woman will move on with another relationship, but if she knows you’re whimpering in a corner crying because she’s gone, she will play your ass like an Ace and a King. For any man out there, never let a woman play you, via mind or body. Be what you are — The Man.
So let her go. Ignore them. Don’t feel bad about it. You already discussed this when you broke up. Stand by your decision and don’t take a single step back. Move forward and so will she.
Hey I loved your comments about exs,mate I’ve got a question I was crazy in love with this girl about 3yrs ago everything was goin great and then my father died and I had to go back to nz,anyway I broke up because I had so much on my mind. She has just contacted me out of the blue 3yrs later says she was thinking slot about me and she’s married now,she was hesitant when I asked if she was happy,she lives in Sydney I’m on the coast instill always think about her and wat if,but she’s married now am I over analyzing she misses talking to me and I her.confused big time she just told me she told her husband she rang me too
baby bjorn like new. only used a few times. 35.00 and retails for 95 http://fb.me/14oN393fn
I ended a relationship with my girlfriend whom we have a child together that is 3years old now. I wanted her back but she is 37 and I am 31.She keep going to her family to know if we should get back together and they are not really happy for that and she told me to hold on that she don’t know what she want for 5 months now but someday ago I have to ask her if she can be honest to me and let me know if she want me or not because it is affecting me and am becoming depressed about this because I cant see my child as much as I can.
I do not know where to win her back
Here is my story . so I have been dated my ex-girlfriend for almost 3 years and we were so happy and calling to each other for more than 4 times a day because she lives 2 hours from me .so she called me one day and told me that she love me ,miss me and want to see me soon but Suddenly she called me a day after and she said that she want to take a break for a month because of her mom . her mom love me so much but as me ex told me that her mom love me as son but she want my ex to date some one else because that I am from different country and culture . she cried a lot and told me she still love me but not the same and that she wants to look for her life and work because she think that we love each other too much . so after let her go ,one day she called and said she thinks that we can work everything later after the break and start to call me as before . one day I ask her ,how she feel now she said she feel sad about what happen but she think that she doesn’t want a relationship now and she just want be a single for now but she doesn’t know and she want me to be a friend .so I got mad and started fighting with her and told either love or hate and I will never be a friend with her . a week after I saw her at bar ,I say HI to her to be nice at least . she hugged me along hug and left her after but I saw her crying . So I called her today and she was crying when we were talking and sad . I asked her if she think we can meet next weekend for a cafe since I am going to stop by near of her city to visit my brother , she agreed but after she hang be and text she was saying that she couldn’t talk because she was crying and doesn’t want her family to see her . but she was keeping text me and ask about how I feel ,and she told me she doesn’t know if it’s a good idea to meet her or not but she told me that she guess it ok but she doesn’t know because she still sad . PLEASE HELP ME BECAUSE I AM CONFUSED IF SHE STILL LOVE AND WHAT SHOULD I DO HELP THIS relationship.
girls with high interest level never confuse u. u have nothing to hold on buddy, she has left you already. move on and find a girl who is not confused, save ur self from heart break because eventually after all this confusing shit she will drop u, so stand up to her and say, if she wants relationship, she can come, but no then its done deal, no going back, give her ultimatum, if she loved u she would not have been confused. dont worry about her crying part, they all do it naturally. When girl is having low interest level they tend to confuse u by back and forth games, but then they just leave. This is just her defense mechanism, she is just not able to let you go NOW, but time will come when she is emotionally ready to leave you for ever and then ur dead in the water, so before that situation arises make everything clear, and stand up like a man, dont be confused with a confused girl. Ask her clearly, if she wants relationship, great, if she wants to leave even better, and tell her adios baby, and go no contact for a few months to heal. I hope I answered u. deep
Hi I’m a girl. 21 and I recently broke up with my ex in April but stopped sleeping with him in may. We started off rocky. He was in denial about not being over his ex. And he emotionally abused me without realizing it. I always assumed that he treated me like that because his ex emotionally abused him. He visited her one day and dumped me that night for no good reason. She was his first and she cheated on him. What did I do? Like a dumb ass I took him back and threw him a bday dinner party the next day. Im stupid, i know. Then I’m the reason hes diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. He never knew he had it. Then I break it off and start talking to myex and he stars crying and begging me not to leave him so UFO meet his family and ultimately decide that I don’t want to be in a relationship with him. The whole thing is ironic because he didn’t really want to be in a relationship in the first place. “He was like I’m 21 and half of me wants to be in a relationship and half of me doesn’t.” We go to the same college together. Back to my story, he gets pissed because I’m over him and decided to get back with my ex because he apologized and promised to treat me better even after I told him about the other guy. (My ex and I were long distance.) So this weird guy and I completely break things off in a shitty way. I had a pg scare druel to a really late period and he refused to buy me a test and called me emotional and crazy when I couldn’t stop crying to him. Anyways, over the summer I get and sfd scare but it just wound up being bv, thank god! So while I’m awaiting blood work for herpes I call my ex and ask him if he’s been tested for herpes because, prior to this, I was unaware that pp doesn’t test for herpes. He doesn’t respond. After I took care of him when he had the flu, was there for him emotionally and cooked for him the day he was diagnosed with diabetes (while we were broken up). Fuck him right?! Well now he has this new girlfriend and I mean, she’s hot, but to me, like his ex, she’s just another dismount socal white bonnie that isn’t going to college. Is he over me? I feel like he’s not over me. I caught him looking at me from the top floor balcony from our school library. I love my current boyfriend but I have anger and animosity towards my ex because he jumped into another relationship no struggle and I can tell that he treats her well. I’m not a hideous girl. His friends tried to get at me after we broke up. I’m going to a uc and relatively articulate when I’m not internet ranting over a jackass that doesn’t care about me. So what’s wrong with me? I cannot stop crying ever since I came back to town and see my ex in my.classes daily! I’m hurt yet I still think I have feelings for this prickly. Help? BTW, he blames me for everything, even when he’d treat me like shit he’d say I did.something to eradicate that behavior from him. I know.I’m an idiot.
Oops. I forgot to mention that he contacted me and asked if I prank called his ex. I told him that I didn’t have her no. And if I would ever contact her.it would be to warn her of hoe verbally abusive he is and the fact that he didn’t respond to my scare. I asked him why he didnt respond and he said that he thought I was just trying to get a response out of him. I was so pissed. I asked him ” why couldn’t you just take it seriously?!” His response was. “I did take it seriously. I got myself tested.” Then I completely blocked out whatever he said by yelling, ” yeah you took it seriously?! Is that why I got a response?! Go fuck yourself!” I was livid because he had also told me, for no fucking reason, “I just want to forget you.” Um. Shouldn’t he have done hat before he started dating another trashy socal bombing that posts buses of herself online? She has a pic up where she is in nothing but a thong and he treats this girl better than he treated me. He has pics up with them at Disneyland. Granted my bf and I have the same dland pics up from this summer too. Can someone give me some advice please? What do I make of all of this?
Alyssa, I don’t think there is anything to explain except that you dated a loser and your being insecure about him jumping to another girl so soon. I think he hurt your ego with the new tramp girl because you are wondering if he puts you in the same category as her. Quit being insecure and work on your self confidence. You have the other guy anyways… move on
Wow. Re-reading that made me realize:
First, I will NEVER post comments from my auto-corrective frienemy phone. Second, I don’t understand how you were able to understand that, but thank you for your response. Third, I know what you’re saying is true. I’m not worried that he puts her in the same category as me; I’m worried that he holds her in a higher esteem than me. Allow me to put things into perspective: I’m Mexican and my ex would kind of crack jokes about it here and there. He also called his ex (Who was half jewish) A fucking “jew.” I assumed he said this because of all of the horrible things she did including sleep with his best friend and the fact that he called her greedy. STILL NOT APPROPRIATE, I KNOW.
At the root of everything, I’m utterly hurt because he treats the new tramp better than me after knowing her for a fraction of the time he knew me. (shes blonde & fully white.) I’m proud to be hispanic and I’m not letting this bigot drag me down, but does he treat her better because shes white? What I was trying to say in the post above is that this particular girl posts practically NUDES of herself online. How can he treat a girl like that BETTER than he treated me. Was I just a rebound from his also tatted up skanky ex? He called her a whore for her cheating and seemed to be over chicks like that, but then jumps straight into dating a girl that degrades herself by posting raunchy pics of herself up and sells sunglasses for a living? Granted, I know shes intelligent regardless of her position in life (and is probably more than likely a nice girl). You can tell by her manor of discourse that shes a smart girl. But my ego is definitely bruised. How can he not be grateful of the fact that I am essentially the reason that he might have saved YEARS of his life due to the juvenile diabetes diagnosis?! Am I crazy for having these feelings?!You’re right. I have my bf and I love him, but this whole ex things is making me literally depressed. I try to go to the gym, jog, or even do yoga to make me feel better but then I just end up crying my eyes out. I think its just because the heartache of it all is finally starting to catch up with me… That and the fact that I dated a guy who looks down upon hispanics. Who in the tristate racist epicenter doesn’t have hostile feelings towards mexicans? I’m from California so I’ve experienced it, but I’ve never actually DATED it. I’m really hurt. My boyfriend now is half japanese and treats me like a princess, but race should never matter. I’d treat any guy I was in a relationship right: black, white, asian, etc REGARDLESS of their ethnicity. To epitomize my issue: I Feel like Carrie Bradshaw and this new girl is no poster child for a Natasha, but she is a rich white socal girl. And though my ex isn’t loaded, he and his family like to live like they are (country club, BMW/MERCEDES VEHICLES, YET TAKING OUT LOANS FOR SCHOOL). And in his eyes I’m just a poor mexican girl from the central valley. You’re right. This isn’t about my ex. Its about my self image. My ethnicity has never embarrassed me. I think I just found a guy who was able to beat me down with simple statements like, “There are bigger better fish out there in the sea.” Yeah, there are, MY BOYFRIEND.
Hi my girl friend broke up with me 4 mos ago.. I guess she broke up with me because I would get mad if she would go out to clubs/bars and I didn’t like this other guy texting her and I told her that. So she told me she wouldn’t talk to him anymore and she told me he’s just a friend. So she would always turn her phone to silent at night and I could see it going off at night when she was sleeping.. so I looked at her phone and this guy thats a “friend” would text her at 12 at night saying.. what are u doing? So the next morning I was like did anybody text u? And she was like no.. I told her I looked at her phone and that guy “friend” text u last night! Then after that she broke up with me for looking at her phone. I tryed talking to her about it for about 3mos because I really do love her and her son nobody ever made me as happy as she did in my life wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and she would tell me that was what she wanted to. I was really upset about the brake up and I would always try talking to her about it and I think that was pushing her away more. So for about the last 3 weeks I have not been texting her. So this week she text me 4 times.. once in the morning before work just to ask me if I was on the same street as her that day and I wasn’t, then 2 days later she text me asking how my sister was? Then 2 days later she text me saying hi how are you? Then last night she text me saying she miss me.. so I have been texting her back but always short with her and I don’t text her back rite away and I think its making her miss me more. I really want to be with this girl and this is the first time she has told me she miss me but I think if I try talking to her about things again she’s going to back off again but Idk? What is the best way to get her back just let her text me and keep being sort till she tells me what she wants or what should I do??? Thanks!
Brandon, honestly, your girlfriend was either cheating or ready to cheat. The fact of the matter is: No guy should text her at midnight unless its an emergency (e.g. they’re really good friends and he just got dumped and needs female advice). Your girlfriend obviously had something to hide seeing as how she felt the need to lie about it.
You REALLY need to reevaluate your standards for a girl. From a female perspective heres probably what happened:
-It didn’t work out between her and this other guy so now shes interested in you, “the nice guy” again.
-You stopped texting her and she misses the attention. Shes a jealous and possessive girl (more likely than not the case) and she doesn’t want you to be over her.
EITHER WAY, STAY AWAY! I know its hard when you have strong feelings for that person, but trust me, if you dont heed my warning a significant amount of time will pass and you’ll regret having not stayed away from her now. Look at how easily she disposed of you. She’ll do it again because obviously you don’t mean that much to her as she does to you. You sound like a really sweet guy so don’t read this and go thinking that its something that YOU did. It isn’t. Like some asshole guys, girls can be just as cruel. AGAIN, rip the band aid off now, let your wounds breathe, and STAY AWAY. I’m sorry to hear about you being attached to her son. My brother wen’t through the same thing with a girl. In the end he just had to let both of them go. It was right for him. I’m sorry that you got caught up with such a rotten girl.
My Name is AUSTINE..I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster once when i went to Africa to Execute some business..He is really powerful.The woman i wanted to marry left me 2 weeks to our weeding ceremony and my life was upside down.she was with me for 5 years and i really love her so much..she left me for another man with no reason..when i called her she never picked up my calls and she don’t want to see me around her…so,when i told the man what happened.he helped me to do some readings,and after the readings he made me to realize that the other man has done some spells over my wife and that is the reason why she left me..he told me he will help me to cast a spell that bring her back.At first i was skeptical but i just gave it a try…In 5 days,she called me herself and came to me apologizing..I cant believe she can ever come back to me again EMAIL:templeofdravegmas1@gmail.com
Hello to you all, I just want to thank this spell caster on earth_temple@yahoo.com for casting a True Love Soul Mate Magick Love Spell. I ordered it from the spell caster last week and indeed it worked.. i am so happy to see results soon.
I’m in a similar situation. My ex left me and went off with someone else a couple of years ago. Even though It was a painful experience, I know that it was a hard decision for her to leave and that she really needed to get this other guy out of her system. Effectively, things did not work out with the other guy and she has contacted me again. It would be easy to take the view that she’s had her cake and eaten it and I should never go back. However, now that she’s been in touch, I’m beginning to remember why I was so upset to see her go in the first place. She’s a great catch. I was lucky to have her in the first place and even though it ended badly, I don’t regret being with her at the start. I’m a little confused as how to act, but one thing’s for sure, I wont be contacting her back in a hurry. That’s what she wants. Human psychology works in funny ways. If I call her back straight away, I’ve thrown away the most attractive thing I have to her. Intrigue. I will pick my moment strategically, and begin to build bridges again. However, as you will see in life, if people have to work for something, it’s value to them increases.
I’m just deciding how to play it from here.
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Thanks to you all.
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I recently saw a testimony about a spell caster of some sort in a blog I visit for relationship and dating counseling problems because i had been having serious issues with my boyfriend and we had been dating for six months,he just suddenly changed,he was returning my calls,he started cheating,he was hurting me in so many ways i never thought possible and I just thought I should try it maybe out of desperation of some sort ..and I contacted them..At first everything felt dreamy and unbelievable,their consultations and solution was a little bit easy and strange and I was scared a little cos I heard read and heard lots of stories of fake
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