Note from Alex: This is a guest post from Jamie. If you’ve been a follower of the How To Get Over Your Ex Girlfriend comments (450+ and counting!), you know who he is.
I think that this is an excellent article laying out a lot of important principles for doing just that – getting over your ex. I’ll now give the word to Jamie. Warning: Contains foul language. Yeah!
Thanks Alex!
I believe this is an excellent blast to all the guys out there who are thinking they’d like to stay “friends” with the girl who dumped them.
The flow of the piece is this:
- You can’t be friends.
- You MUST neutralize the girl’s power over you.
- The most effective way to neutralize the power is a clinical approach that is based in large part on the “No Contact Rule”.
- What are some of the practical tactics that are involved.
- You’ll be better off for having taken these steps.
You could write a PhD dissertation about the no contact rule and getting over a girl. This, however, is designed to be a quick read that hopefully will give men (read: you!) a fast-acting shot of empathy and momentary strength from realizing that what they are experiencing is something experienced by mankind as a collective and therefore not insurmountable. Phew. Lets get on with it!
Post-break-up friendship with your ex: DON’T
In the immediate aftermath of a break-up, and especially when you’ve been the one to be dumped, it is im-f*cking-possible to remain friends with the woman who grenaded your heart – even if you have months and months (or years and years) invested in her.
While powerful, the desire to remain friends is knee-jerk reaction to your own fear of being alone, and to internal weakness and insecurity – which may be temporary – but that you still need to address.
HOWEVER, it is VITALLY important that you always maintain cordial relationships (if not friendships) with as many women as possible! B/c while the bar/club scene is nice, other women can be a rich feeder source for possible date material – and I mean dates w/ girls who you would actually bring home to mom, and not just bang…
Neutralize her power over you
Another thing to consider: the goal after being dumped is not so much to “forget” the ex as it is to neutralize her power over you.
The irony is that whatever power she has is only there because you give it to her by virtue of having made a mental leap in reconceptualizing your life as now only being able to exist if your ex is part of it.
Any human being should ALWAYS be engaged in a continual process of self-development and cultivation, so that you can be your best.
When you limit your insecurities by excelling at school or sport or in your career, you 1) become less needy and 2) become a much better partner for a woman who might actually deserve you.
The NO contact rule
Nonetheless, when you’re in the shit – like many of us are – and trying to get over an ex, you must be clinical and disciplined in your approach and have no contact whatsoever for some minimum period.
If you just texted her or checked her FaceBook or drunk dialed – that’s fine. It’s normal. It’s what we do. But right now, from this second, commit to not seeking her out in person or virtually for at least 24 hours.
And after those 24 hours pass, commit to another day; and another; and another.
If you’re mentally obsessing over her, every time you start focusing on her FORCE yourself to shift to something else.
Have discipline
Watching TV is not a very good distraction – reading a book is better. But hitting the gym or going for a run or skydiving is a lot more effective – because you shut down the part of your subconscious that obsesses over her – if only for 30min or an hour – and you get some peace.
A relapse is never far away, even after weeks or months – which is why you have to be clinical and disciplined. Delete her from your FaceBook and MySpace. Delete her from your mobile. If you have her contact details stored in your address book – delete them from there, too.
Yes, we KNOW that you feel like you’re dead without her and that you are physically hurting even – it is what it is.
But you have two choices – either be consumed by the hurt and pain and rendered totally impotent, or commit to putting into practice some of the advice given here with the expectation that if you can do the work, one day you’ll find tranquillity and return to equilibrium.
You’ll get through – and get better
And then the next time you become emotionally intimate with a woman, hopefully you have a more sophisticated perspective and will be better aware of what’s happening in the relationship on a daily basis.
Last thing – even though I said delete her from your FaceBook and MySpace and phone, etc., that (for me) is only so you can’t be an idiot and actually call or text her when you crack and your resolve momentarily weakens.
Don’t completely destroy the memory of her
If you were in a relationship for any significant amount of time, that person is always going to have been part of your life, and you can’t obliterate the memory of her as if you were firebombing Germany. It just doesn’t work.
You want to end up with just a black hole in your psyche for the time you were with her? Take all the “stuff” she gave you or that reminds you of her and put it in a box or boxes or whatever and get it out of your physical space.
I don’t think you need to throw it away (but then I’m a little sentimental), and you can save her contact information on a CD that you throw in the box as well; when you’re old a worn-out it’s actually nice to have mementos from the past as they become tangible reminders or triggers of memory from years gone by.
But when you’re knee-deep in hurt and pain and misery, lock that shit away as if it was radioactive. Because in a sense it is – you need to be a technician and shut down your irrationality and reptilian-response to wanting to get back with a chick who dumped you, devalued you, broke your heart, cast you aside…
And someday you’ll have gone through enough misery and suffering that her power over you will be neutralized and you’ll have a better understanding of not just your limits, but your strengths as a person. And your next relationship will be all the better for it.
Back to Alex:
Hope you enjoyed it guys! As always, comments are highly appreciated. What do you think? Girls are also more than welcome to join in :-)
Lots of great images this time. First one by thisisawakeupcall. Second one by jasoneppink. Third one by Thomas Hawk. Last one by .ash. All beautiful, thanks!
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Jamie: This is an excellent piece. I think alot of the guys (including myself) will benefit from reading this post. I feel another 450 comments coming..lol. Seriously, this is so true. As much as I would like to keep my ex in my life as a friend, it’s just not possible at this moment when I still have feelings for her and still hurting. Maybe one day after months or years gone by we can talk as friends but right now it’s imperative that the “no contact” rule is in effect. I’m going on day 3 without contact and all I can do is take it a day at a time like the post says. Always remember, what you don’t know, doesn’t hurt you.
Sergio,
True words from a wise man! Just take it one day at a time, it’s the best and only way to go. Thanks for your comment. I also feel like this could become an interesting comment “thread”.
Good luck!
Jamie: Wonderful piece bro! I was thinking of writing something similar myself for my blog but now I’ll have to dig a little deeper since you touched on so many beneficial points.
For me, my ex moved to Ohio from NYC recently so it’s (relatively) easy for me to employ the ‘No Contact’ rule, but even when she still lived in the same city as me I’ve been employing it. Some days you wonder if she’s still thinking about you but then reason sets in and you realize that, no, she’s not. Of course she’s not! Then the pain subsides (somewhat).
The article/post I’m going to write is about how an ex – and the desire to get back with her – is like a drug. Addictive, yes, but the effects of desiring that “fix” is ever-present. The only positive I can share here is that, if you “ride out” that wave of desire/addicition then it WILL pass, in time. The saddest part to this whole business is, for me, the fact that the ex is (probably) not even aware, and certainly not concerned with, the devastation they’ve left behind. I have broken up with girlfriends in the past (three, I believe) and in each case I always showed my ex respect, and helped them achieve “closure” by seeing them a couple times, talking with them, trying to ease their pain. It’s a constant SHOCK to me that some exes (mine is absolutely this way) seem heartless and cold. Where has that girl gone, the one we loved and thought we knew so well? Sigh.
Anyway, I’ll save all this for my post one day. For now, Jamie – EXCELLENT WORK! (And Thank You Alex for opening up your wonderful space for a great post like Jamie’s!)
Mark,
Cool comment man! thanks for adding value to the blog :-)
And fucking GREAT job on the no contact thing. I know how hard it can be, but it seems like you have really implemented it (and reaped the benefit).
Your post idea sounds very interesting, and you touch on some very fascinating points when you say that the girl rarely even acknowledges to you that she knows she has caused you a great deal of pain. I wonder why. Maybe she actually doesn’t know it at all. Maybe she just won’t acknowledge it because she thinks it would make things worse.
Women are strange animals indeed! But I guess that’s what makes us love them and crave them so much too. Female energy just can’t be compared.. Once again thanks for your comment Mark, and thanks a lot for the kind words.
Wish you well!
Alex
I moved 3,000 miles away from the skank. It helps to not need to see her deceptively pretty face. Too bad the kids had to stay with her and she won’t let me speak with them. But still it is worth it not to be manipulated by a little slut.
Able baker,
Sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds tough!
Great post, Jamie. Way to represent!
My feelings are this: truth be told, the “let’s be friends” mindset has very little to do with friendship, and everything to do with maintaining a connection. And it’s just downright unhealthy. In the early stages, anyway…
Jamie’s dead-on. Hide your “reminder” stuff away for a while… after LOTS of time has passed, and BOTH of you have moved on to different situations…then, and ONLY THEN, is it time to consider having this woman in your life in some fashion. But this only works when both are truly in a different place. I know this to be a fact with another ex of mine…and this was after EIGHT YEARS. Brutal but true.
Thanks for posting this, Alex. This site has done a whole ton of people good.
Hi Jamie,
I have to agree with your article man. Avoiding communication with my ex has helped me greatly in getting over her. However in my situation I still have to deal with her until the house is sold (should be done this week). But I avoided actually talking to her as much as possible and only text messaged her for business related issues only. Hearing her voice would only have extended the time it would have taken for me to get over her by bringing back old memories. It’s been 2 months now since she ripped my heart out and I still think about her everyday but I find that it happens less and less. For me, my way to get my mind off of her was playing my guitar. I have learned so many songs since and it really kept her out of my head for many hours at a time. This week I can finally say that I’m not sad anymore.
I know this might sound a little weird but I found that finding reasons to hate her also helped. The more I hated her, the less I wanted to talk to her. I’m a very peacefull person usually but I found that it really helped pushing back the urge to call her. But if you do that I suppose you should make sure to never call her in that state of mind. I can only imagine that you will without a doubt end up up in another fight and then further hurt yourself.
Keep up the good work guy.
i consider myself an extremely lucky guy, as I know I’m an exception to the above article. I was such good friends with my ex-girlfriend before we dated that we are still great friends even after a break up. She is one of my best friends and we talk and hang out as often as possible! Thanks for the great article- :D I don’t know how I got so lucky, but I still have a great friend!
Good read!
My ex said to me lets just be friends. That killed me. She then never spoke to me again. 6 years we where together. Cod hearted. I went snooping and found she has been with someone as soon as we broke up. That leads me to think she was cheating on me. I should have been snooping but I was in such a bad way. I also threw everything i had of hers away.
She lives a 2 min walk from me so i see he at least once a week. I seen her with this new guy and it hurts like hell. I dream of her.
Without the “how to get over your girlfriend” thread I don’t know what state i would be in now.
Hey guys, another great article. Need some advice on my situation.
I still think that my ex is the one for me, as ultimatley it was my mistakes which forced us apart. I just feel that good things are worth fighting for – yes she does have a new boyfriend of a few weeks, but she is going to uni in 3 weeks and i am seriously considering just going round with a letter and laying how i feel on the line. I feel it has taken a break up for me to see all the areas i was treating her right.
cheers.
Greg –
To get straight to the point, she has moved on and so should you.
There is nothing more i would like to do than to round to my EX’s house and tell her how i feel and that i want her back but it’s not going to happen.
The saying “You don’t know what you’ve got untill it’s gone” will haunt me for the rest of my life.
My girlfriend of 16 months just broke up with me the day before she left for a University 1,000 miles away. We had always planned to do the long distance thing, and what makes this breakup so hard is that we both know we still love each other.
She just said she wasn’t ready for the seriousness that our relationship was approaching (she is 18 and i’m 20). She also said that since we had some trust issues she would always wonder if I was going to cheat on her while she was gone, and because of that she wouldn’t be able to focus on her life there. (I had an ongoing issue a girl that was a part of my life for a long time; i cheated with her on my girlfriend once but told my girlfriend as soon as I could. Near the end of the relationship I was also talking about trying an open relationship because I wanted to meet other people but not lose the love we had.(We both agreed it was true love and that if we had met 10 years in the future we would have married) However, as you guys can see, I know I pushed her away.
Her problem was that she always internalized her problems and didn’t communicate well enough. The day before she left and broke up with me she wanted to still be physical and was talking about our long distance relationship, but I started crying profusely and broke down for hours. I think at that point I pushed her away with all the other stress she had going on in her life as she was going to a new college and leaving her old life behind.
I’m not going to be able to completely move on until after winter break or perhaps next summer because those are the times she will come back and I am going to hope to get back with her. She has told me she still loves me deeply, and still wants to talk to me once in a while this semester via phone/webcam.
The break up was a week ago and only recently have I realized that by constantly badgering her with facebook messages and lots of texts, it will ruin my chances of a future with her. From this point on, I will wait for her to contact me.
Anyone else been in a similar situation? I just can’t get over his because I know we both love each other.
This is an amazing article!!!
I split up with my Ex in October 07, we messed about keeping in touch all the way till March. When we kinda got it back on…but not in anyway like we used to have it. I tried my best to make things better but whatever we had had dissapated over the time we speant apart. So we ended…and I am afraid to say I got the full blown brunt of the action. I was completely screwed up over this girl, I used to spend (no word of a lie) what felt like 6 hours a day thinking about points in time I could go back to before we split up. I seriously wished I could just travel back months to a point we were together and never split up with her. It was crazy shit!! I tell you.
I finished my degree in Philosophy while all this was happening, nine 3,000 word essays and a 14,000 word dissertation while constantly thinking about the women you love (I still hate to say it) “with other men” and not curling up to you on her couch can make you think crazy things…I went in there for abit…but getting my results for my degree (a shit-hot 2:1) made me realise I can do anything without her even if she is the problem stopping me. I started running dropped 2 and half stone. Returned to my local Rugby club and the fitness I had developed made an instant choice for my 1st team. All this is helping me literally tone down how many times I think about travelling back in time. To the point where I get pissed off with myself for actually thinking about doing it becuase of everything I have achieved. I stopped talking to her after months of contact about a month ago…its insane to now look back and think I did actually keep in touch with her, if she gets in touch with me I will reply when I’m ready…right now I’m not and I’m happy with clinical “no contact”.
About the mementos….I have a watch and wallet that this girl gave me…they mean alot to me and they also have a pretty specific job too. I need the watch because it looks shit hot on a night out…and its pretty much the same excuse for the wallet. One day when I get a new watch or need a new wallet…I will buy one with no quarms about my old ones. I will store them away because…yes…they did mean something to me but they dont mean I had girlfriend I was completely in love with…they mean I had a girlfriend who I split up with and managed (to use Jamies words) “neutralize” her power over me…thats the reminder…thats the memory that makes me want to keep them.
This was a seriously great article and a fantastic read..it hit all the notes. For anyone in a similar situation…print this article off and pin it up on your fridge.
It always surprises me how fragile men are in the relationship arena… I don’t think girls really get that.
As it happens, I’ve been friends with my exes quite successfully. Of course that didn’t mean that we would hang out constantly or straight away after the break up, but I’ve always stayed friendly, let’s put it that way. At least until they do something really stupid, like naming their children with the names I came up with when we were still together.
I loved the advice of the memory box. I agree, I think we should keep the memory of important people alive, no matter what happened. There’s always things to learn.
It’s really tough, my ex just put on her facebook that she is in a new relationship. I kinda broke down, naturally (we’ve been apart for a couple months but I havent stopped thinking about her) I panicked and pretty much sent her a message that we couldnt be friends to her anymore and I reminded her of how she had hurt me…probably not the BEST play but it does the job of getting rid of the friendship (cuz jamie and other male advice are right in that it is very difficult to maintain the friendship)
PArt of me feels I sent the message to make her feel guilty but i also feel i had to let her know hoW I felt, she hasnt responded yet and I dont think she will…
Some days I feel that “oh man, its not bad to be single and i know theyres a girl out there for me that deserves me more,” I know my ex wasnt perfect so it helps to think this way..
But naturally I do think how we had so much in common and the thought of her being intimate with some other guy is jsut destroying me. Im finding it to impede my happiness and it sucks, it really does. As a college kid, Its getting tough to remain focused on schoolwork especially cuz a bunch of my bros have girlfriends so it stings when I see them together because It reminds me of what I’ve lost…
I guess for now, and what other guys who feel my pain should do, is focus on yourself and your individual goals BUT to ALWAYS know, whether its friends or family, that there will always be someone there you can talk to you about it, and there is no shame in that.
I have a different take on this. I ended the relationship with my ex-girlfriend and I chose to stay in touch with her and try friendship. She was absolutely devastated by the break-up because she was very attached to me. I think talking to her afterwords helped her feel better about the situation. She has no power over me, I’m the one with the power.
I don’t like it when someone hates me. So being friendly with her is a good thing and I do like her and care about her, just not in a romantic way anymore.
what should you do if you have a kid with this ex?
do the same rules apply?
for instance, there are times when I want to know how my kid is doing. Should I call? Text? Email?
the situation hasn’t gone tocourt. She said she’s fine with me seeing my son but is just tired of me I guess…. Any advice?
This is great. Removing contact from her altogether is essential because it serves two purposes.
1) It’s the best way for her to eventually realize she misses you and wants you back…and at that point you might realize that isn’t even what you want anymore.
2) If she doesn’t want you back, it’s also the best way to move on in your life!
You reclaim your power.
Any Responses to my ?,,i am hurting here….thnxs
[...] could be about an ex girlfriend. It could be an image of your naked grandmother you got printed in your mind when you walked in on [...]
So what do you do when your ex of 4 years goes to the same college and attends the same classes as you do. I love this girl a lot. But i know for me and her to mature and gain trust again, I need to be apart. But when she has the same classes as me, were basically still “friends with benefits,” which was good in the beginning, but know that I know she might be talking to other guys, it really HURTS! She basically told me that she wants to be best friends but I know i cant do that, because I dont want to know if shes talking to someone else. It’s either me being her boyfriend or not be part of her life. And its hard for me to tell her to stop calling me and stop talking to me, because im afraid she might just go to some other guy and start a new relationship or start fooling around with another guy (yes i am a little insecure). That may be the answer right? I do see a future with her, but at the moment she doesnt want to be boyfriend and girlfriend. But me still being this close to her is really affecting the way I live my life. I wake up every morning thinking about her. It has affected my school work really bad. I just need some advice.
I finally just told my ex who of 3-4 years, That I still cared about her and I have to just cut contact with her…I know if she stays around Im going to continue to chase her, and esp when we have sex on and off…Just makes it harder…I told her through IM, and she said she didnt know what to say, and I told her dont say anything, and just let it be….I feel weak and a little dumb for telling her, like I just handed over everythingm, but at the same time I feel a little better for getting it off my chest and letting her know…Ive been reading everyones posts and forums, all which are a great source of advice and encouragement…thanks everyone
Hey you are absolutely write, cut her off like a cancerous tuama.
I was once in that situation. At first i kept her number and kept her as friends on facebook. We had the occasional contact, txt, email, etc. But after every chart i always felt like i was going one step backwards.
Then i thought remove her number, delete her facebook because i checked out what she was up 2, “last nite was funn” and deleted all the pictures.
Since then i haen’t looked back it was a fe weeks ago but now i truly know i’m over her.
So yer i couldn’t agree any more that cut off contact. Its very rare ex become friends, and of those that are one has got the shorter end of the stick…
I am with a gentleman who claims he is not attracted to me more than a friend yet becomes jealous when I date other men and insists I share my dating other men with him. He calls me numerous times a day as if we are an item? I dont understand why the mixed signals? Is he afraid (he is divorced) but why say not attracted as a g/f and expressed he liked our one small kiss on the lips? I feel at times he loves me and at times he pushes me away. HELP!
I had a 4 year relationship that ended 3 weeks ago. She just up and told me that we were over. That she didnt love me anymore; I was devastated. She said she wanted to remain friends and its the only thing she had to offer. Then I found out through other sources she was already seeing someone else. Sure enought I confronted her about it and she said she had a new boyfriend from her job. Last week I cut off all contact with her and just told her I couldnt be her friend anymore and that this would be the last time we’d talk. She was very cold and emotionless about it said it was fine. Over the course of this week Ive just been trying to get along, zero contact for the past week. Then out of nowhere she calls me today and I asked her why she called and she said she did it just to see if i was doing ok…..I can now completely and totally see what is meant by “neutralizing someones control over you”. She fucking some other guy told me she was genuinely happy now and she has the nerve to call me to “check up” on me… Thanks for the advice man Im taking it to heart.
Post this as the top “how to get rid”. I did it all by my own, came to it by myself (although having a new girlfriend for almost a year, still thought about her today ….but i am a romantic and was dependent on her) and hope that everyone who reads this will move on. Also would recommend to
AVOID PLACES WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN WITH HER.
add your DONT LISTEN TO SONGS also. Really crappy feeling when you listen to songs / and even now those specific songs which i used to listen after the break up are a statue of that feeling – so the pain is still somewhere near…guys to stick to these rules.
PS – NOT REMOVE EX GIRLS / !!! BLOCK THEM
they tend to call, write and say hello and call you their friend. FORGET – leave it in a box in the past. but be sure that she will not have the possibility to contact you / yeah from some point its running away defeated, but from another is trying to keep “alive”…
I’ve really enjoyed reading these, they have calmed me down immensely when I’ve gotten anxious about my ex.
It’s a fairly interesting case and I’d love some advice if people don’t mind. I chased this girl for months before we went out. She could never figure out what she wanted. She said she liked me but we were too similar. We would hang out endlessly and sleep together non exclusively but no one ever knew different. One day she decided she wanted to date and the next 6 1/2 months were great. She’s always fit what my ideal girlfriend would be. We’re both pretty weird and it felt right to me where a lot of things didn’t. But I’m an anxious guy. That ran its course (way more my fault than hers) and she decided we needed a break…which became a break up. We had our typical issues but hardly ever fought…really smooth sailing. She said, once again, that we were too similar and I was a really great boyfriend. She liked me but wasn’t attracted to me (whatever that means) She’s a bit of a headcase. It’s been 3 weeks and she is only starting to move out but we’ve been screwing around, which seems to be over too. I’ve submitted completely to her and think the world of her. We still hang out a lot and continues to ask if it’s ok if she goes and hangs out with x or y which I find bizarre. I’m pretty lonely here at college without a whole lot of close friends and she legitimately is my best friend here. I understand the argument but I’m miserable and it’s not getting better…I don’t do myself any favors either…she considers me her best friend too it just seems like the attraction eroded away…it was a real friendly break up…but I can’t stop thinking about her…Any ideas? Thanks.
It’s November 24th,2008. Tomorrow would have been our 2 year anniversary.After knowing this beautiful girl for about 10 years of my life, I finally had the honor of calling her my girlfriend. She had me quickly move in to her apartment (small physical and verbally abusive fights we had because we were drunks}. But somehow we managed to talk and get thru it. 8 months later i bought her a house. All was good for about 2 months. WE had a bad fight over a bar tab. Stupid fight to begin with. I was very verbally abusive,touching some VERY personal issues with her. The next nite she came home shitfaced and started punching me non stop. I had to call the cops. They got there, and she went after them! All she got was a day in court and a fine. By law we could have no contact for 60 days. After those 60 she wasn’t the same. She never came back to the house, took all her stuff, and is in a relationship whom lives with her across the street.He’s 23 she’s 30. I was her first relationship in 4 years. She openly admitted she was a slut for those years, and I was the reason she wanted to settle down. 2months after us, she took this kid under her wing. He has no car, lived with his mom and no money. This girl can have ANYONE she wants. Why this knucklehead? They just got new jobs together.{transportation won’t be an issue if they work the same schedule} Anyhow,I’m alone in my very first house that I bought for HER, while she’s 2 miles away sleeping with him everynight. Can’t wait to try to sleep tonite.
i actually broke up with my bf b/c he kept in frequent contact with a girl he claimed he only dated for 1 month about 4 months ago. He also claimed the girl wanted to marry him and told him she loved him after only 2 weeks. He claimed he NEVER said I love you back. YEAH RIGHT!! She lives almost 700 miles away, but she calls almost everytime we are togther and he never picks up her calls in front of me. On one hand he says the relationship was insignificant (which is why they broke up) but on the other had he says they’re friends. Bullshit!! Ironically, he was telling me that he loved me within 3 weeks of dating, buying me flowers, gifts, wanting to be with me ALL THE TIME. But, I knew something was up. He was just too good to be true and honestly too needy (wanting to be with me ALL THE TIME, except when he was calling her back!). Long story short, I dumped his ass because I told him that he needed to cut off communication with her if he was srious about me. He agreed and claimed he blocked her number. Come to find out, he was still talking with her over the phone, and just changed her contact name in his cell phone. I lost all trust in him at that point. Honestly, he treated me like a queen during the relationship, but his deception was unaccepatble. Thankfully, I only spent 2 months with him, so I was able to get over him relatively quickly. Funny thing was, when I broke up with him, he was DESPERATELY trying to get me to stay friends with him! But, I dropped him like a hot potatoe and never returned his calls.
So, I definitely agree that atleast in the initial stages postbreak-up and especially if a guy starts dating someone soon after, he should not have communication with his ex. And for all ladies out there, be VERY suspect of a guy that has a “need” to keep his ex’s as friends and be even more suspect if he is PRIVATELY chatting up with his ex!
So, I’m a woman who just broke up with a woman, or rather was forced out because I wasn’t “good enough” for her. I was a secret for 2 years, but she would always tell me that “maybe” we could be together for the long run, if I got skinnier, healthier, prettier, richer…and played the game right. Anyway, she wants to do the whole friends thing and there is absolutely no way in hell I can do that without my heart breaking. Why wasn’t I good enough? Do I really even want to be?
My question is: should I delete her from facebook, will I look like a total a**?
L,
DELETE her freaking Facebook.
WHO CARES if you’ll look like an ass?
She was a BITCH to you. Treated you like some kind of object without emotion.
I know it’s hard, because it sounds like you really liked her, but MOVE ON. She is a very unhealthy person to be with.
Truth is, you’ll never be GOOD ENOUGH for her. Always a kilo too much or too little. Always juuust not pretty enough. Always juuust not money enough. I know the type.
Get out, now. Leave her for good, and don’t ever return.
I’m sorry for sounding so harsh, but sometimes you need to yell a little to overcome those little voices inside your head.
If you have ANY questions whatsoever, or need help with ANYTHING, don’t hesitate to write me, OK?
Good luck.
Alex
Absolutely wonderful post, I wish I could have had this a couple of years back for one or two of my other relationships. I don’t know if my current situation quite falls into this category though, due to certain rather peculiar circumstances.My girlfriend broke up with me recently a week short of our one year anniversary. She told me she had no intention of dating anyone else and that her reason for breaking up with me was because she couldn’t handle a relationship at the moment. Since the breakup though, she acts enormously different towards me. If I don’t contact her I never hear from her. If I talk to her, at times she wants me to act like nothing’s changed, while at other times if I act affectionate in any way at all, she becomes hostile rather quickly. On the rare occasions we do talk she always seems to make sure to mention about any guy shes talked to or found hot recently, and I don’t know if she’s doing it to see if I’ve stopped caring about her or if I’ll get jealous or whatever possible reason she might have. I can’t tell any longer if she still wants to hold true to the idea of getting back together. I’d really appreciate an objective opinion on what anyone thinks I should do. Thanks in advance.
Hi Alex,
Thank you for the article. I am a young woman but I find myself going through what you’ve described above. I have some questions regarding the guy’s perspective. If you can help would you mind PMing me? Thanks in advance =]
My girlfriend of 5 months told me she just wanted to be friends. I really don’t know what to think or any of this means? I have been thru one break-up previously(with a girl for 3 years before we broke up). I did everything wrong after that break-up and it seems like I’m in the same pain after my most recent breakup??? Help please
Hello all. Great thread. One thing I have to contribute here is to remember that you need to remember that you’re a tough act to follow. By that I mean not easily replaced, and in some ways irreplacable with respect to being replaced by someone “as good as you”. It’s self esteem people, it’s something you need to have going into a relationship, and coming out of a relationship with no matter who broke up with who. Make a list of all the b.s. your X put you through. When you get to feeling bad, read it, then read it again. Make a list of all the stuff you’ve got going for you that your X doesn’t, read it, then read it again. Read the stuff on the internet. There’s a ton of info out there that will help. It helped me. So why am I here? My X broke up with me about 2 1/2 months ago over a small fight after a 2 year relationship. We didn’t have many problems so it was a big surprise. No contact was maintained. Anyway, I got over it pretty quick. Then today, she sends me an e-mail asking how I was with a picture of a new bike she just bought. I was like what the F. Why did she do that? So I called and asked and she’s like “I just wanted to show you my new bike and still want to ride with you but don’t want to start a relationship with you again”. That’s a new one on me. Trying to figure out what the real reason was. Any thoughts?
I broke up with my gf sunday, we just didnt seem to get each other but we had a really close bond and that is still there, Were still talking and im gonna try not to be needy anymore as it doesnt help… Im hoping if i do this we may get closer…… My main worry is if she meets someone else really soon! I would feel like she never loved me in the first place to move on so quickly! is this the case??
cheers guys
wow this is what i did when i broke up with my
ex girlfriend and without knowing all this steps
i did them haha preatty weird
anyway thnks a lot !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, from a guy’s perspective, tell me why my partner of 10 years just broke up with me and wants to be friends, he was even happy living together still, which I find hard to understand. We have talked since and I get mixed messages. He says he loves me. He said part of him wanted to stay together, but he wanted to know why, and didn’t want to fall back together without knowing…so you destroy a 10 year relationship to go and find that out? Why not stay and try and work it out, together, or with counselling, or have a break, not a complete separation. Sounds like he is just saying to hurt my feelings less. What do you think? Does he really love me, or just wants to get out and date again?
My ex broke up with me and she has her summer car parked in my garage as she has no parking for it where she lives. Now that she has broken up with me I have to pull into the garage and look at it every day and it is a constant reminder of her. She is the one that actually started the no contact and I did all the wrong things in the beginning of contacting by text sending a letter pleading for her to come back but I lastly wrote a note that said I understood and its probably best.. Do you think I should send her a note and ask her to take the car out of my garage even know its winter and she has no place to keep it ? Its just that its a simple think but it really reminds me of going places together etc everytime i look at it. any advice would be great. Thanks Jay !
Very interesting posts. A lot of hurting people. I am hurting myself. It’s been a year and a half since my ex moved to another state. We’ve been together for 7 years and half of that time was an ugly mess. For the first year of him being away he didn’t contact me much, neither did I…it was tough to say the least. I started to date, he was dating as well. I was starting getting over the man, when suddenly he comes back by calling me like no separation have ever happened. He started telling me about a new woman in his life, but that he doesn’t like her, he wanted to be with me again. My feeling for him were not the same anymore and the only thing I had to offer was friendship, but everytime we talked on the phone we ended up having a conversation full of bitterness and sorcasm. I realized we can’t be friends.
I’ve moved on. I’ve changed my number. He was able to find it out somehow and called me. I was angry and happy in the same time. There was another chance for us to be friends I thought. Yeah…wishful thinking. Back to the square one. Fighting, putting each other down. Basicly, the guy gives my number to his girlfriend and from there it was a living hell. It ended up in a very ugly mess. I just changed my number again. I hope he will leave me alone. I still love him, I love him for what beautiful we had between two of us, but don’t want to be with him. The guy put me through so much shit troughout those 7 years and still does.
I hope that both our pains will subside eventually and then maybe only maybe we’ll be able to come to some sort of understanding only much later in the future. I fare it might take years to patch the damage. For now, the pain is still very raw and I don’t see how it is even possible to communicate with him at the moment. I have a new man in my life now, who adores me and excepts me for who I am and I want to give that man a chance. I want to give myself a shot at having a healthy happy relationship.
Sometimes it’s better to leave your ex in the past, complitely and move on with your life. Sometimes it pays off if whoever is hurt opens up his or her heart to other possibly great future partners of a lifetime. Good luck to all of you who got crushed and burn. If there’s no way you can be friendly with your ex’s…move on and never look back!
OK. I need help with this. I got involved with this woman who was separated. She told me she loves her husband and was considering taking him back because of their kids. I really liked her and we had good chemistry. Only kissed. She actually warned me from day one that I shouldn’t get involved with her because it was a shaky situation. We saw each other for a couple of weeks, just talked. She kept explaining how things couldn’t work between us because she’s got so much baggage, etc. I finally broke things off with her because I told her she needed to make a decision. Either she stays married or not. I wasn’t gonna sneak around anymore. Then few days later she emailed and said that she’s back with her husband and that she wished we had remained friends. I told her that I would always be her friend.
She emailed me a lot after that. I hardly responded. She asked me if she should stop emailing me, but I told her that I liked hearing from her. But I still pretty much ignored her. Then finally she emailed me and said that she’s having a hard time letting me go and she just wanted closure. Wanted to know what our relationship meant to me. I told her she was someone I thought I could have something special with and that I still think about her. She emailed back and said that she knows we’re over, but she wanted to know if it even matters to me if she’s married or single and why I ended things in such a bad way (I admit I was cruel). I didn’t respond and she emailed me a bunch of times asking me why I won’t respond to her. Then finally she said she’s just finished with me and the whole thing. I still haven’t responded. Should I respond to her? Is she playing games with my head?
Marcel,
I went through a similar situation, but the circumstances were different. My women was seperated from her husband but didn’t love him. She was considering letting him back into her life only because of the kids, but she really loved me and wanted to be with me. In your situation, she’s saying that she loves her husband… so I’m confused. Did she ever say she loves you? Did she ever promise that she wants to be with you? Also, you said you kissed… who made the move? Was it you or her? If she took the first step, that shows some hope, but if you kissed her and she didn’t show much emotions, then why bother thinking about her? How often do you guys see each other? Is it still just kissing every time you guys meet or are things developing further? I’m here to help and provide any support that you need. I’m going through some tough time myself.
My girlfriend of 5 yrs.cut me off outta nowhere she couldn’t give me a straight answer exept that she just wanted to do her right now that was after I found out she went to go see a guy outta town it didn’t help that she is a exotic dancer very beautifull and can have any guy she wants.she used to say she would live in a cardboard box with me and she would never leave,but outta nowhere this happend.we split up last year around the same time for a few months but got back and things were never the same again.its hard she was my life we did everything together lived together and were so comfortable..now she became a total stranger and went about breaking up in a very cold way..it hurts to be the one dumped..I used to be a big player before I met her now I got my heart broken..I guess all the guys she gets paid from at work probably got a lot more money and she wants that kind of life..love isn’t strong enuff it really sucks cuz I gave her my heart and she destroyed me..
I’ve been reading this site for a while but haven’t commented yet….my story is long so i won’t bore you with the details….my story is similar in a way: loved this woman, treated her like a queen, stood by her during very hard times (she was going through an addiction) and actually convinced her to sober up and fix her life….she did (went to rehab and had a focus on life again)….we were on a long distance relationship for the last 4 months while she was away, i moved to another country…things started to deteriorate…she began to be colder, emotinally unavailabe and even a bitch sometimes…..she finally ended it bc she needed to be alone during these times bc being in a relationship could put in danger the recovery process…when we broke up, i didnt call for almost a month..one day i did and she started crying..saying how sorry she was, that i was a treasure but she had to do this…then we agreed it was best not to talk bc it was to painful for both of us…i know she had other reasons like me being jealous and her fear of commitment..but now that is really over i get it…she wasn’t meant for me, i deserve something better, yet somehow i still think of her constantly, i get mad bc i feel like she used me for what she needed and then cut me off , i think of the past and the lies and it just kills me that i didn’t end it right then and there,,,i don’t want her to feel sorry for me bc i’ll get trough this, but its just so fucking hard….how do you guys deal with thinking of your ex with another man? I first act like i dont give a fuck, but just imagine it for 2 secs fucks me up…..its hard to write everything exactly how it happened, hopefully some of you get what i’m saying…
I’m going through the same shit as you guys, i cant stop thinking about my ex with other men and its driving me mad!!
I’ve been split up about 1 month after a 4 year relationship. She had started seeing a married man behind my back and i found out and we split just before xmas. Two weeks after the split she called me up on xmas night crying saying she misses me and can we go out for a drink. So being as weak as i am i took her back and gave her another chance, only to find out two months later that she had carried on the relationship with this married dude!!! I left and that was the end of our 4 year relationship and 10 year friendship. I’ve deleted her from facebook and all her friends as well so i cant take a look at her page. i cant seem to stop either texting her or emailing her some pointless remark just so she will speak to me. Sad i know but it makes me sort of happy for a few seconds.
I picked up the remainder of my stuff from her house the other day and she broke down crying again bc she thinks i’m never going to speak to her again. Odd how she can hurt me so much and yet be concerned about talking to me still!?!
Hey, I’m hoping I can offer a female perspective that might make you realize that this whole process is just as confusing and frustrating for us girls! My ex and I broke up 6 months ago. We were together for about 2 years and I moved across the country to be amongst family and friends when we split. I’ve tried being friends with him since we split, but very recently expressed that I need to take a long break from communicating.
You see, for a long time, when he told me that he loved me, I didn’t realize that he meant he loved me, but was no longer in love with me. I thought we were taking time to focus on personal healing and were going to try to work through our misunderstandings and problems. When I found out a month ago that he doesn’t want to get back together, I was thrown off, and had to start over again. He still wants to be friends, talk to me on a regular basis and all that…I need time before I can truly do that, because now I get that it’s over. Before I didn’t really get it.
For me, it’s about feeling good about myself again. It’s hard to be friends with someone you’re still in love with; I couldn’t be happy for him if he started dating someone new, it would hurt like hell. When I’m able to accept that possibility and be hurt by it, that’s when I’ll know that I can be his friend. Whether I’m with someone or not.
So what I’m doing is focusing on parts of my life that need attention. Like my financial independence. My passions, hobbies and interests. My art work, my writing, new friendships, a new exercise routine, whatever. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been able to fill the void with another person. For me it just doesn’t work. I need to feel whole and completely at ease with myself before I’m even interested in the world of dating again.
Know what else? I try not to think about meeting “someone better”…if you loved someone, it’s good to respect, appreciate and love what you’ve shared, what they’ve had to offer and how they’ve added another dimension to your life. Relationships are too unique to compare and we’re always changing, all the time. I loved (still do) this guy because he’s an amazing person, and I know that fact won’t change even if I do fall in love with another person. We had trouble communicating and working through our problems. That’s it. There was no cheating, lying or abuse. And if he feels like throwing in the towel, I can’t insist that he pick it up again.
To be honest, I don’t think he’s as ready as he claims to be my friend either. That would mean that he’d be fine with me seeing other guys, and I’m not sure he’s fully ready for that to happen, strange as that may sound. He’s afraid that we’ll encounter the same cycles if we get back together as a couple, but in the meantime, I’m finding it too hard to talk and relate as friends because I feel “downgraded”, like I still have a special place in his heart, but that he won’t fully forgive and see that I’ve grown, and is therefore dismissing me as a potential girlfriend.
See, this makes little sense! Hope my story shows you that this zone of “can we be friends or not” is about as much fun for us girls as it is for you boys. :)
Me and my girlfriend broke up 6 months ago. She cheated on me in the first few months we were going out, but i forgave her, but told her she couldnt keep in contact with the person she cheated on me with. Well she did keep in contact with him throughout our whole relationship. And that hurt me like nothing I have ever felt before. I used to get pins and needles and lose the feeling in my arms and legs from the anxiety. I’ve never been in love with someone so much as her. She was literally the world to me. The first 3-4 months of going out with each other, I treated her the best i possibly could. I’d take her places, buy her things, and basically do anything i possibly could for her. But after her cheating on me, i found it very hard to move on, and I had a go at her alot, and I mean almost everyday. I regret having a go at her so much now, but I only did it because I loved her so much, and wanted her to see that. Anyway we stayed together for another 8 or so months before we split up, which I didnt want. She split up with me saying I had changed, but the only reason I had changed is because she had cheated on me, and she would still speak to the person she cheated on me with, saying she wouldnt let me choose her friends. So anyway, 6 months ago she went to university, and before she left she told me she never wanted to split up, I me being the stupid person I am, believed her. The first night she was there, she rang me at night crying saying she wanted to come home, but i managed to comfort her and she told me how much she loved me. Then as the week went on, I started to hear from her less and less, so I naturally got worried, thinking she’d forgot about me. So i started to txt her and call her asking how she was getting on, but she’d always reply or speak to me like she wasnt interested in me, and there was something more interesting going on in the background where she was, when she was on the phone to me. Then I got more and more worried, and started to say to her she didnt care anymore and she didnt miss me. Thats when she told me she couldnt deal with me anymore and split up with me. After that 1-2 months went by of me begging her to come back to me, but she always told me she didnt feel the same, and things would never go back to being good. Then she meet someone else at uni, and when she told me she’d met someone else, it just felt like my heart had been ripped out of me and I sunk into a deep depression. If im honest im still in that depression 6 months on. I couldnt believe she moved on so quick after everything she told me. I couldnt believe someone could be so cold. She meant everything to me, and i thought i meant everything to her.
I meet up with her a couple of time since she broke up with this bloke she met at uni. And she told me she wanted us to get back together, as long as I changed. I’ll be honest, i didnt change, because the fact that she first cheated on me, and then met someone else so quickly killed me inside, I couldnt let it go. But after seeing me for a few days, she said she wanted to be with me, and all was going well, but then one night i got myself all worked up about thinking about her doing stuff with someone else i had a massive go at her over txt. She said she hated me and told me I never change.
Now to the present day…which is two weeks after she last told me she wanted to be with me and after me having a go at her over txt…she told me she’s now sleeping with that guy again, just as a bit of fun. She says it doesnt mean anything, but she knows shes hurting me. She says shes doing it because i keep pushing her away and cant expect her to be single for the rest of her life. But it was only a couple of weeks ago she told me she wanted to be with me.
Im still in love with her:( and dont know what to do. And i know i should leave her alone and get on with my life, but i’ve been trying to do that for the last 6 months of my life and its not working:( HELP!!!! please:(
And before she left I spent so much money on her, on stuff for her new flat.
as a girl i find your guide to be equally helpful in getting over a break up! good job!
I posted back in November a post titled Miami. It’ll be 6 months on the 25th. She stopped calling. Last I heard she was getting married and/or pregnant… This guide has helped me alot and I definately don’t feel as devastated as I did back then. I realize that I’ve made so much forward progress with myself (im a year from finished my University studies) and in my career. However I can’t help but feel that same sinking void. I can’t help but think about her. Everyone says “at this point, its just about finding someone new and creating new memories, etc.” After dating and meeting other people I find myself with that same familiar hollow at the end of the night. I’ll keep going but its the memories that really ache the soul. This road isnt easy but it’s the right one to follow. If anyone has any suggestions or comments they would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again Alex.
I have been friends with benefits with this girl for about six months; I fell in love with her and started to back off because I didn’t want to get hurt if I told her the truth.
She told me once that she was in love with me; however, she sometimes treated me like shit and acted very immature.
Is it better to just completely cut contact with her so that I can move on? Or should I tell her that we can no longer be friends because I was/am in love with her and it just hurts too much.
I ended up writing out this huge letter to her telling her why I stopped talking to her and why I stopped being and acting like her “best” friend.
But I never sent it; I’m not sure if I should. . .
What is a good idea in this situation?
We haven’t spoken in a month.
Fantastic thread I must say! My ex boyfriend broke up with me about two years ago and I went through the entire phase, pretty much everything you mentioned in your article. I did try, however, to get back with him several times in which he always declined stating that we were not right for each other. This past Sunday we finally talked to each other again, and it was purely for me to prove to myself that I am over him and that I don’t want to be with him. He did make a proposition involving the “friends with benefits” thing, and I laughed at first and later said I would consider it.
I went away to college and I would never forget the night when he thought being cruel and mean would be a way for me to easily get over him, but it didn’t. I am very persistent and in everything I do, NO means yes to me. So whenever I heard him say no to me it only made me want him even more. Well, good for me I wised up after dating again and having no luck with relationships. I am now at a stage where I want no serious relationships, only a “friend with benefit.” My plan right now is to do just that in hopes that he would see what he missed out on, and in the process I get to be the one to refuse him. I know how this sounds, but it took me years to get over this guy and I finally did, so now I want him to feel what I felt all this time hearing him say NO to me.
So what happens if you have an ex with your current 10 month old baby and another that’s currently been in her womb for 8 weeks? Other than saying I’m fucked, comments please…
Awesome Jamie just took your advice, spent the last week looking at my ex’s Facebook profile, but I finally deleted her, blocked her, went to the gym for six hours, biked the next day, and played soccer with my dad today. I felt so alive during those times. Although when I came back the pain was there but it is not as severe as it was before. I still want to punch any guy she could be with!
I would like to chime in…I am a good Black American bachelor man from NYC who met a very cool chick from Russia last year. She is going tru a divorce and has two teenage sons who are beautiful. We started slowly and built momentum. I am 56 years old, she is 37. All kinds of hip memories were built until just two weeks after we celebrated mightily our one year anniversary…she gave me the “we have to talk and I can’t tell U on the telephone” speech…surely enought, much to my chagrin and fear, she told me “the magic is gone, and can’t be in a relationship and lie” I couldn’t believe it! No talking her out of it. This was three weeks ago, yet we still kind of communicate sparsely when we used to email DAILY…now only once or twice, or a text here or there; she came over when a friend from out of town came to visit two weeks after her speech to me…someimes a msg from Myspace. I STILL don’t know the real reason WHY she dumped me! She will only say something I did changed her opinion of me as a man. At first I wrote her three letters in long had in the hours after her speech…(I’m a writer by pprofession so that was NO problem) She told me to “cool it” even though she said they were “romantic”. Every time I try to cut off all communication…she reappears however lukewarmly…I wanna give her “space” in the hope that she’ll drift back…the SEX was awesome and we Never argued! The mix of cultures was great, her accent truly wickedly hot andI helped her with her English because she encouraged me to…any advice guys going forward in this summertime – the worst time to not have a gf???
thanx this is gr8 for me but mine is more gripping and heartbreaking c here we go.
I met a girl yes we had a up n down relationship for 15 yrs and two lovely boys Thomas and Joshua im 7 years older than her and loved her dearly even though i didn’t show it as much as i should but she had a childhood sweetheart and she finished him for me well we moved on she was all me as later 15 yrs later found out she been trying to trace him on FACEBOOK and used me cuz she had always loved him and now she is with him and says in txts “I H8 YOU WITH A PASSION” WTF!! I should b saying that..
ye im still hurting but that jerk has had the snip and at least im still a man.
i miss her so but i H8 her as i wouldn’t hurt her like tht we have to stay in touch but its her winding me up to a point im changing my mobile & landline number and blocked her on FACEBOOK
Things r hard for me but she is laughing at me and there is a tru saying “THEY WHO LAUGHS FIRST LAUGHS LAST”
i am on the mend but she is a fool im one too for 15 yrs 2 boys and a lie.
Wow you guys did it again. I made a few comments on the other article, but damn I didnt think you guys would bring this one out. Real helpful, and very true. Me and my x were together for three years. Good and bad, she always was the first one to quit, leaving me for 1-2 months at a time sometimes, each time fucking someone else and then crawling back to me when she realized how fucking stupid she is. Love can make a man a sucker, and being in my first serious relationship, I was suckered in to taking her back all three times. June of this year is when it all fell through. No woman has ever been able to drive me almost to the point of insanity when we argued which was almost everyday. It hurts, because I really loved her, .. for three years even after she did what she did. I feel so fucking betrayed.
Bottom line is that she “dosent wanna lose me (when she “dumped” me) wants to stay in touch.” <— Real quote
Yea fucking right. Keep dreaming. Almost about twice a week? (7 days) now she calls me. Always around 230 AM and always about the same bullshit. I shut my phone off a few times overnight, but it is my alarm too so that dosent work. I wake up to txts saying she saw me driving and why didnt I go up and talk to her. Shes crazy and I want her to leave me the fuck alone 4 real. I tell her to all the time but she dosent get it.
Cant wait till I get old enough to move the fuck away from all this bullshit.
Thanks for the great piece. After being divorced for 10 years, I finally thought I met the right girl. Things were going fine for about 6 months, and then she started to complain about her emotional needs not being taken care of. I tried to work on my approach, but she distanced herself and finally told me (while I was on a business trip) that it was over. About a week later, she texted me and when met up – something was different – very different. We were supposed to have dinner the very next night, but she ignored my emails and texts the entire day. This from a girl who would text me 15 times each and every day. I knew something more than just “emotional needs” were at play.
Finally she got a hold of me and I forced it out of her. You see my perspective is this (and I’m generalizing here); If you’re not abusive, cheating, going to prison, etc. women RARELY dispose of you. They need to move to another person. I finally got out of her that she was interested in someone else.
This was a short, but intense love I had/have for this girl. We were engaged, we had plans, the whole nine yards. I had learned from my previous experiences and *thought* I did all the right things.
I’m 3 days into no contact, and it’s killing me. But it’s the right thing to do. It took me 6 months to get over my marriage of 12 years (losing 35 pounds and countless hours of sleep). I don’t think it will be this bad – at all, but it still hurts.
It really is about no contact and working on yourself. I worry about not finding someone new, but those things tend to work themselves out over time.
The feeling of lonliness can be devasting, trust me.
Last night at 230AM I get a text from my ex, saying to me that she just listened to what used to be our “song” and is “dumb sad :(” . I replied just with an “O” and tried not to pay attention to her.
This morning, I tell her to shut the fuck up and cut the bullshit with the late night txts because its getting out of hand and pretty annoying. Any advice on what I should do. Change my #? I never contact her, its always the other way around, yet she broke it off with me. Weve been through this three times before, and there will not be a fourth. This time Im DONE
Im seriously thinking about changing my number because this has been going on for months. WTF
I tell her all the time there will never be an us again and we have to stop talking. Not because we want to, but because we HAVE to. Still dosent click in her mind.
She dosent get it I literally think shes mentally fucking slow, God forgive me.
Schools starts on Wednesday, and I hope that takes my mind off of this bullshit until next June =).
I had a relationship with a woman 8 years older than me. I loved her dearly but I wasn’t the man she was looking for. In her breakup conversation she made it clear to me that she didn’t want to have a romantic relationship but she wanted a friendship. I made a huge mistake accepting the “let’s be just friends” status. That simply doesn’t work. For eight months I kept falling in love with her and she kept rejecting me, over and over. My dignity was gone. At one point I couldn’t take more emotional torture and I decided not to see her again. Event though I felt that I was dying inside, I know that I had to move on and not contact her again. As of today, she is still caling me but I will not answer her phone calls and go back to a painful past. Guys, NEVER, EVER stay friends with and ex if you still have romantic feelings for that person, cut off ALL ties and move on, right away, don’t look back It is painful as it can be but it is absolutely necessary for the healing process.
I was with my ex for 15 months and we were eachothers first love. Foolishly, we decided to go to the same college. Within a week she was changing and I could tell she wanted to be single. She wanted to take a break, which I knew was a red flag. She just wanted to hook up with other guys and come back to me when she wanted. We ended it the next day, and I found out she had sex with my friend who lives in my hall two days after we broke up. Despite all the pain she caused me I still felt the urge to talk to her. The most important thing I believe is to delete her number from your phone. You will end up texting your ex if you dont do that. I was able to make excuses to talk to her and not having her number is a good thing. Also, DELETE her facebook. You will just end up snooping on it and being jealous at all the other guys shes talking too. Its only been two weeks since the break up and its gonna take me a lot more time to get over her
Great read. Thanks for the advice. It’s been nearly a year now since my ex left and I’m pretty much over the break up. We were together for 5 years. Each person is different in how well they deal with break ups. Some people have searious abandonment issues and it takes them longer. I tend to obsess about what she’s doing and with who. I found ways to get through it I would like to share.
1. No contact of any kind
2. Good friend or relative to talk to when we get weak
3. Seek professional counceling if you need it
4. Work on yourself (school, hit the gym, play your instrument, get back into something you’re good at)
5. Develope new friendships (especially with women)
6. Join a support group if you think that would help
7. If you’re the spiritual type, practice your faith
8. Focus on your job, work towards a promotion
9. As soon as you can, go out on dates
10. If you want, get a pet
That is my top ten list for getting back to ground zero.
My montra during it all “This too shall pass”
thank you everyone soo much.. you have no idea how much this has helped.. i sent her a text today telling her that we couldnt be friends because it hurts too much. i dont think she is going to reply but i feel much better already as i found the confidence to get it off my chest. i still feel unsecure mentally but you have to take things one step at a time so i now just have to focus on myself. i can relate myself to most problems on here so thank you everyone!
man its true but whatever happens……i cant stop loving her…its been 2 years of our breakup…thers not a single day that i wont have remember her…..
Awesommmmeee piece. Read me like a book. Great advice. :)
After finding the my ex, the once love of my life with a new man, and seeing them, knives in the chest comes to mind, not only did I burn every thing, yes, screw a memory box, i burned all our photos, gave away the clothes she gave me as presents to charity, and changed my phone number, and I still was tempted to give her my new number! but theres no chance she will get it.
I dated my last girfriend for almost three years and we split up in the summer because neither of us were happy.
We stayed friends and i couldnt avoid her if i wanted because she lives in very close proximity to my stomping grounds. Everything was fine between us and i planned on moving into my friends house just a couple houses away until a couple weeks ago while i was at my potential new home i walked outside to find one of my so called best friends kissing my ex. I found out that it happened more than once and he didnt come to me and admit. My ex is from a small town so i think she must just be used to people dating other peoples friends but its different in the big city. I cant look at either of them or go anywhere without being reminded of what happened. I cant cut them out of my life because that would mean losing almost all of my friends. WHAT DO I DO?
Should she be in on the no contact policy if I want her back? That is, did I make a mistake by telling her that I was avoiding her on purpose and that my intent was the pave the way for a reunion [a reunion, by the way, that she says she no longer wants due to my needy/emotional behavior following the breakup]? I think my fixation on the breakup is stressful to her and now she’s just associated me with that stress rather than with the good times we had when the relationship was new. does no contact send the wrong message if you still come off as needy and hung-up?
Hey everyone, i have just recently been through a breakup with my girfriend which she ended. She said she had been feeling distant from me the past two weeks and it doesnt feel right anymore. She was very emotional and said i dont think this feeling is gonna change.
Im obviously confused since the breakup on what went wrong? its only been three days and i told her we shouldnt stay in touch, and she said i will always be here for you.
Need Help on what to do from here
Thanks
* Kristen – at Sunday 15 Mar *
I felt like I was reading a post written by my own self. Hit the nail on the head for me.
This is a fantastic website, and I keep going back to it every few days to remind myself that I need to ‘neutralize’ the power the ex has over me (or rather, the power that _I_ give him).
Echoing one of the earlier posts by another woman, I wanted to reinforce that the post-relationship hell is equally shit for us.
I was dating my ex for 15 months. We weren’t perfect, but I thought we made a good team. He did too, and never suggested otherwise. Then one night, out of the complete blue, he dropped several bombs – he didn’t want kids, he didn’t want to get married… Less than 12 hours later, it was over. I didn’t know what hit me. One day, he had said he loved me. The next, that love was simply… gone.
He said that we should have time apart, but it was unbearable for me. For example, I stopped eating from the distress (physically could not hold the food down) and dropped 10 pounds in the first week (that’s about 10% of my bodyweight). I said that I wanted him back in my life ‘as friends.’ I think he was concerned for my health, so he agreed.
So here we are. ‘Friends.’ And it is doing my head in. I feel the same love for him, mixed with anger and resentment. When I am near him, I want to smile at him the way I used to, to reach over and touch his face or hand. And it kills me to imagine him recoiling if I did. This ‘being friends’ is prolonging the inevitable. That I will one day wake up, and realise that there is no chance. That I’ve been clinging onto a false hope that he will say “I made a mistake” and we will get back together. In his head and heart, he has convinced himself that he has done the right thing. In my head and heart, I have convinced myself that he has done the wrong thing.
I haven’t accepted that it is over. And by being friends, I keep that part of my heart reserved for him. He says he cares for me, but that doesn’t mean he loves me. It will take a long time for that to sink in. Day by day, I hope I get closer to that point of acceptance. And resignation.
Right now, I feel acid throb through my veins when I imagine him with another woman, or ‘getting on with life’ by having a raging good time with friends (many of them female, and whom he openly said he would happily have as ‘friends with benefits’). I should be hearing alarm bells and run screaming for the hills, but love makes all of us fools.
At the same time, I check my email and phone regularly to see if there is a message from him. And when there is, I am either disappointed by the tone of emotional distance in it, or overcome with gratitude for whatever little joy I can get from it. I was a strong and independent woman before I met this man, and now it’s embarrassing to see how I have been reduced to this lovesick girl (we’re both in our mid-30s).
It’s been a month since we broke up. It is still early days, and that is why I cling to the idea of a reconciliation. But the moment I hear that he has another partner, I know that it will shatter me into a million pieces once again. Right now, I cannot forgive or accept anything… but I hope to get there one day.
As for the “No Contact” rule, I have abided by it for the last 3 days. I didn’t reply to a Friday email; and I haven’t sent any emails or text messages. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to. In fact, I am consciously telling myself “Don’t Do It!” and thinking about it all day. It’s pretty torturous. On the other hand, he won’t probably know that I am going through a minute-by-minute hell. It does feel a bit counter-productive, but I see the logic in it. If I can hold off from contacting, then maybe I will realise that my own happiness will not have to depend on hearing his voice or seeing his face.
I don’t know how much longer I can be ‘just friends’ with a man I still love deeply, but who no longer feels the same way about me. I imagine that in the near-future, I will have to admit – both to him and myself – “No more. I can’t do this any longer.” And really mean it. Because if I don’t, I will waste my life and my love on someone who does not deserve what I have to give.
I was with my X for four years and it was the best of my life. However one day she decided she wanted a break out of nowhere and then finally we broke up.
It would’nt have been so bad except from the fact that she was more in love with me than i was with her or so i thought. She used to scare me talking about marriage, moving out and kids when we were only 17.
To be honest i was very immature and i blame alot of the reasons we broke up on myself. I’ve always kind of been my own worst enemy when im feeling down and at the time we broke up i was struggling to find a job.
Anyway i later found out she had a new boyfriend straight away (Nice) and a few months of embarressing attempts to win her back followed from me.
Once i had accpeted it i completely cut her off however as we both live in a small town i seem to always bump into her. We never actually speak because we’re usually a distance apart anyway my question is what does it mean when she gives you that look?
The look that says either “I miss u” or “I still love you” sounds crazy after a year but thats generally how it looks. Apparently her boyfriends a bit of a dickhead and a so called player. But seeing that look in her eyes has really confused me. Does anywayone know what im talking about?
Needless to say i sent her a friendly txt as im pretty much over her saying sorry i didnt say hi and that i knew she was with her boyfriend so i didnt wanna cause hasstle. (He threatened to beat me up in the past so i gave him my home address down the phone and told him to come get me lol) She ignored it.
I bumped into her brother shortly after and he told me that they no longer speak as shes completely changed, almost as if her new boyfriends even changed her from her own family.
Any thoughts?
I usually don’t post on these blogs but could not resist when browsing with a good friend of mine(woman)whom I was giving this same advice and she did not believe others were doing it – and behold! Yes, I AGREE 100% …absolutely no contact – no emails, letters, phone calls, etc…no nothing EVER. You cut that Ex out like cutting out the cancer before it festers and grows again. My Ex wife divorced me 5 yrs ago and my friend told me to invoke the “IRON FIST POLICY.” He said when you walk out that court after the decree is signed that’s the last time you see or hear from her again. I told my Ex in a sit down a few months of our separation that if we divorce there will be no friendship and she was pushing for us to be friends. I told her no. There would be no friends, acquaintances, etc…we will just be nothing and im moving on. She pushed and asked if I would talk to her after 5 yrs or if I got married again. I told her that’s like openoing old healed wounds. The answer was no not ever. Of course she did not believe me and she said well we need to talk because of our daughter. I told her a nanny or grandma would pick her up and drop her off.
It has now been over five yrs(she stopped trying to contact me after a yr) and it has been great. I have no feelings for her now except for the negative when she tries to stop me from seeing my daughter. This is because she cant stand that I dumped her in a way by not letting her be friends with me. She has also re-married and im not to far away myself. So word to the wise – dont have any form of relationship with an Ex, even if you have kids. There will be no drama and/or headaches. IRON FIST all the way….
Nice posts and blogs. Helping me somewhat. What can you do to feel better if you still feel she was the “one” and that you messed it up due to wanting to slow down the relationship, etc.? BTW: she is depressed and on meds and seeing a counselor among other issues. I know I didn’t handle her issues well and we argued quite a bit about things both big and small. Can’t help feeling it’s all my fault though as she finally broke things off for good. We were going out for 2 years and both had broken it off at times only to get back together. We even went to counseling even though we weren’t engaged yet. I started to back off the relationship when things started getting bad and that only made her worse and eventually break up with me as she “didn’t see me making an effort” and that I “didn’t give her what she needed.” Help!
Just when I was making headway following the no-contact rule, the ex emails asking if I want to catch up for coffee. He apparently misses my funny emails. I ignore.
Then last week, he sends another email saying how he’d like to catch up after returning from a holiday because he misses hanging out and misses our chats. I ignore.
This is after having told me, during the breakup, that we had so little in common and that I’m emotionally incapable of understanding him because I can only talk ‘academic’ (I’m a university professor; how dare that shit-head insult me with HIS inability to keep up in conversations).
Utter mind-game bull. To be quite honest, just getting an email from him is distressing.
I’m not sure whether to continue ignoring the emails (what a class act he is), or whether I should just come out plainly and tell him where to go. I’m not one for confrontation… so any advice would be great!
Christina,
Don’t give him the satisfaction of a response. Be strong in the knowledge that he is now contacting you and you can and will ignore him!
-Rocco
Hi Rocco
Thanks for that advice. Frustrating times require strong words and actions!
I’m just a bit concerned that if I give the silent treatment, he will think: “Oh, she’s so juvenile.” I know, I know – I really shouldn’t give a damn about what he thinks. But I want to come out of this mess feeling like I handled it with dignity (and so he doesn’t get the satisfaction of thinking me emotionally stunted and stubborn).
Every time he emails, he plays the “good guy” trying to be friends (ooooh, so glad to see he’s moved on so quickly with his life). And I feel like a right royal asshole for not reciprocating. It’s hard to say “speak to the hand” if he’s lathering on the “I’m a good guy” routine.
I think I need some carefully crafted words to end this “We’re pretending to be friends, but we’re not” charade. Help!
Christina,
So I am clear, did you break up with him, or him with you?
Also, please see my original post above yours and let me know what you think? I am still struggling…
Hi Rocco
He did the breaking up (you know, the “we’re just too different” line). I didn’t even see it coming. Gah. Like a sledgehammer to the skull.
I read your original post. Wow. That’s a tough one. In your situation, I would suggest you let some time pass so that you both can calm down and just have some space to yourselves. Then, when you feel that you are ready to accept that she might, or might not, want to date you again – that is when you request to have a chat with her. You need space and time so that you’re both not volatile emotionally. Use the opportunity to just clear the air. I wouldn’t go into it thinking that it will lead to a reconciliation. This could scare her off.
But I’m no expert on this issue (hell, I wouldn’t be posting here if I was!). The important thing to remember is that when a person takes their love away from you, we cannot force them to give it back. At the end of the day, you are still a complete person. Whatever the outcome.
Good luck with that situation Rocco! And keep busy!
Thanks Christina, sage words indeed. My ex also gave me the “we’re too different line” as well as the killer: “we just don’t get along.” Meanwhile a few months prior or so, we were perfect for each other and on paper, so to speak, we were. So much in common, similar core values, etc. Frustrating to lose that to say the least. And the worst thing is she lives in my town and on my block!! Ugh.
OK, now that I know some more of the story you shouldn’t feel bad at all for not responding to him and to hell with what he thinks of it. If he keeps contacting you and you feel necessary, go ahead and send him a message to the effect that you are glad he is well but not interested in remaining in contact. That’s it; nothing further even if he pushes back. And if he continues to contact you, block his number, e-mail, etc. Good luck and stay strong- no contact.
Just ended a 4 year relationship and I find all the info on this post really helpful…Although half of those 4 years that we shared were long-distance, I find it really hard to forget the things we shared and the memories we have created. But as much as I want to keep our relationship, I’m just going to be constantly hurt and so I refused just even being friends because I can only expect to experience tremendous pain and regrets. I play tennis almost everyday and I find it really annoying that the day after we broke up, I can’t even concentrate on playing! Geeez! WTF??!! I’m devastated right now…but I know I have to experience this in order to move on… =(
Daamm, isnt it possible to just keep a light contact!!!!??
I´ve been in No contact for 3 month now, and i would really like just to say hi there how are you doing, also to show her i´m overcoming the relationship and how much i´ve missed her……..so that can be a first step for maybe a future relationship, if not i would eventualy like to hear about her , it just really messes with my head to think i cant ever know anything more about her life!!!!
Hi people.
my ex GF of 15 months split with me literally overnight. I also got the ‘were to different’ line.
On our first ever date, she was reclusive, withdrawn, aloof, and in ways i even thought she may have been on drugs or even that she wasnt totally sane, but i attributed it to nerves and shyness. Time told that she had suffere3d depression and alcoholism after the split from her first and long term ex, who was heavily abusive, 3 years ago.
Over the following months, I encouraged her to talk openly, I did all the things a man should. Told her she was beautiful, protected her, hugged her, CARED for her. Her confidence improved, our communication improved. we talked about things that would never have been discussed in the beginning.
SHE GREW. I helped her to love herself. Then last week, out of nowhere, she just ended it. our communication wasnt as good as it shouldve been, or rather mine was, but hers wasnt. She apparently wasant happy towards the end, something which i was unaware of due to her aloof nature. I didnt even get the cahnce to try and rectify things.
Shes INFJ and a total emotional idealist. always chasing the dream of the perfect love, never seeing the perfecting in OUR love, only the faults. We defo werent perfect for eachother, we needed to work at it. Thats what i thought a relationship was about. nothing is perfect and nothing worth having comes easily.
We seperated. I agreed to no contact, on the premise that sometime in the future, a month or so, we’d talk and see if we could start agan as friends.
2days in and i cracked (doh i know).anyway in the course of the conversation, it emerged that although she was still upset and in love with me, as well as still angry with me; she had signed up on the 1st dating site she could find, and swapped nude pics with a complete stranger. I was shocked, this was totally out of character for her, she had only 1 serious relationship before me and was a virgin before that. so i reacted badly, called her a cheap slut (again bad move), and during the last week according to a mutual friend, she is still persuing a meeting with the picture guy, with a view to a relationship. the mutual friend doesnt believe its a good course of action for her, and i tried to say the same to her, but obviously i just appeared jealous. I am still maintaining no contact, and i constantly bounce between wanting to see her and talk it all out, and wanting to get over her, gaining some self respect again.
I had a minor revelation, a ‘moment of clarity’ if you will. I helped her. I built her up from a depressed, closed emotional wreck; into a open, more confident (defo more body confident) person. I was suddenly happy. whatever had occurred between us, I HAD HELPED. I HAD MADE SOMEONES LIFE BETTER. I GREW ALSO. all this despite the fact she used her newfound body confidence to woo the 1st man who showed interest, into excahnging sexy pic and calls with her.
However my happy period only lasted til the morning, when i was back to square one.
I desperately need to get over this.
I have enough self worth left to know she doesnt deserve a 2nd chance and that in ways it was the best thing for us, and much as i wnat to be friends in the future, it wont be a near future thing. Ive got hot girls asking me out left right and centre, but all i can see is her.
I need help, before i need a shrink.
Thanks for the article. I have a situation. this is going to be long.
The girl i was with dumped me 3 weeks ago on saturday, but stated she wanted to remain friends. the next day, she went and slept with her ex, and has seen been seeing him since. she stated when we split that “it was me or no one,” and that she was going to work on herself. i just don’t get how people just cant be straight forward with others. she only seems to contact me when she need something, and was otherwise cold and just not even talking to me. let me explain our relationship:
I had known her for 10 years, and used to teach her art. she is younger than me by nearly a decade (she, 22, myself, 31). i was initially hired by her mum to teach her, her mother and i used to work together. when i first met her, i had no idea that a decade later we would be dating. beside the point, i guess… anyways, we remained friends, though not in alot of contact for a few years after she went on to highschool.
after some time, i ran into her again, and it turned out she was dating one of my good friends, and i was very happy for both of them. she introduced me to one of her friends and we hit it off and began dating. about a year of dating the girl she had introduced me to, things fell apart and it cost me a job and a house. in the same week, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. the friend that my art student girl, who always claimed that i was his best friend was nowhere to be found when i reached out for support, but my art student was. she even got into fights with him about his absence in my time of need.
one day, during this rough time, i was actually ready to end my life, and she came to see me to help me do something(i cant remember) but inadvertently saved my life. it was then that i knew i loved her, but i wasn’t going to pursue her because she was with my friend, and i held both friendships in the highest regard, and didn’t want to make her uncomfortable with any show of what i felt.
about a month after that day, i left the state to take care of my mother. during this time, i wasn’t in contact with my art student girl, and just focused on repairing myself and helping my mum. the girl that i had lost the job and house over had been calling and e-mailing me during the first two or three months but i cut her out, and continued to do what i was doing. my mum went through lung surgery to remove the cancerous tissue, and the surgery was a complete success. things had begun to look up, and i felt good. my mum wanted a change in life and so it was decided that we would move the family back to my home state. we did this in febuary, and i was immediately back in contact with my friend and my art student girl.
they had broken up, and so i let my friend move in with us so that he could get space. he began seeing another girl(art student girls best friend) but asked me not to tell his ex, and i was talking to my art student alot, trying to help her feel better about the break up but not letting her know what was going on with my friend other than that he was alright. i felt bad for not telling her, and then one night while hanging out with my art student girl, she reveals to me that she was still occasionally sleeping with the guy. she said that he often told her that he loved her and she was the only one for him. she was hopeful that they would get back together, but she didn’t know about her ex and best friend sleeping together. i felt so bad about not telling her, and afraid to cause her any strife, i kept the secret still.
about 2 weeks after the revelation, it was brought to my attention that my man-friend was talking alot of shit behind my back, and it was over the fact that i was hanging out with the art student girl. i was very pissed off, as not only was he hurting someone i cared deeply for and lying to her, stringing her along, he was living in my house on my dime, rent free and screwing the other girl, and talking shit about me. i wanted to tell the art girl, but didn’t know how.
one night a few days later, art girl and i were hanging out and had made plans to go back to my house to make food and watch movies. my man-frienemy had said he would be out all night, so i had no idea that the next thing would happen. he drops me a text asking when i would be home, knowing i was hanging with art girl. i knew he was at home, and as i was angry at him and tired of him hurting the girl i had since fallen in love with but had said nothing to about it, i just shut my phone. i could have told her that i’d rather go somewhere else, but instead, i figured that it was the right time for art girl to find out and for man-frienemy to move out.
when we got home, it became chaos very quickly, and in the end of it, she had written him off, i kicked him out, the best friend dumped him.. and art girl was falling apart…
he would have to move back in to the house where they had lived, and as he was best friends with the owner, he had priority. she had no where to go and i offered her my couch and friendship so that she would be ok. i kept my feelings for her at bay, and talked to her all the time, trying to ease her pain.
as the weeks went by, i helped her to find her self confidence again, helped her get back on track in community college and to see that there was life after being hurt so bad. i was there for her every moment, as were my mother and her husband. we didn’t charge her rent, and only asked that she occasionally chip in on the food bill, $50 dollars her and there when she had it, just to make sure she could save money. life was good, and though there was no romance between us, i was happy in just showing her that she was loved and important and worthwhile as a friend.
st. patty’s day comes around and we hit a karaoke bar. we had a blast, and were side by side all night long. she looked beautiful, she had dressed up in a black pleated skirt and corset, added green ribbons to her hair and i took green eyeliner and gold body paint to her face, making a lovely design down one side of her face. to me she looked like a celtic warrior queen, and i fell in complete love right there. we went out and i stayed quiet and when we went home, i could hold my tongue no longer. i knew i would break my silence, and was beyond afraid to. the last girl i was with had drug my heart around, constantly cheating and lying, and i was afraid to put my heart out in the open… then she began kissing me, telling me that i did things to her both mind and body, and that she was happy with being near me all the time. i gave in and told her how i felt, that i loved her more than life its self, that i longed for her and wanted to do anything and everything to make her days beautiful and happy and perfect. we began to get closer and more frantic and began making love. half way through, i sensed a reservation in her, and i stopped and told her we didn’t have to do this if she wasn’t ready, and she broke… she said she wanted to so badly, but she still had alot of pain inside and more than anything didn’t want to be unfair to me by not giving herself completely. so we stopped and i held her all night long.
for a few days, she didn’t say much, but i was still there doing everything i could to keep her calm and level and to help her heal. about 3 or 4 days went by like this, and one morning, she came to me and said she needed to talk. she told me that she cared so deeply for me and that she wanted to see how far her and i could go, but didn’t want to have a label. i told her that i respected how she felt about a label but in my experience, a person who doesn’t want a label wants more to appear single and available than to not feel tied down, and i could not/would not get entangled in a love-relationship in that way. a few more days of light conversation passed and then she asked me to be her boyfriend. i accepted and we began what i believed was all that i ever wanted. we didn’t start making love for about a week, but the first time we did finally, it was beautiful and emotional and full of love. she told me she was falling for me. within a week of that, she told me she loved me, and every day for about 2 months was wonderful. she had said she was over the ex, and she wanted to never speak to him again. she repaired her friendship with the friend he had betrayed her for and life seemed good. we had even went for a walk with her ex and talked and at first he seemed okay, until he said he wanted her and i to stop sleeping together, but we both refused. he called her a cunt and told her he “hoped she was happy with that piece of shit.”
we even had the support of both sets of our parents and all of our friends. i thought there was no way we could fail.
one day, she contacted him and told me about it later. she said that she knew i would say don’t contact him because he isn’t ready, so she only told me after. i was confused, but also hurt and i felt like i couldn’t trust her. that night we had our first disagreement, but we didn’t fight.
for weeks, i felt like i couldn’t trust her and it showed. she also began getting guarded about things, and began fighting with me about trust and that she didn’t want to be questiond. she even told me that her character was above reproach and therefore she would not accept being questioned at all. this only made me more suspicious. but i tried to question less.
one night, she told me she’d be home by 12. 1a.m. rolls around and i called and asked why she was late. she was with the girl that her ex had slept with and said she was just lost in conversation, but came home shortly after.
a little more time went by and she told me that she was feeling hurt because we had been fighting and i didn’t trust and that something inside felt broken. i told her it was hard for me to trust, but i would continue working on it and would try to not fight with her over it. she said she believed we could work it out if that was the case, and i had hope that we would. she had begun pulling away but she seemed to want to get closer again.
3 days later, she breaks up with me, and says she wanted to be friends…. she went out the next day telling me she was going to hang out with her friend that had slept with the ex, and i trusted her and believed she needed some time. she said she would still like to live here for a while, and we agreed that she and i would both not see anyone while she lived here still. when she left, i had an horrible feeling.
she didn’t come home and at bout 3 am, a friend of mine calls and asked me to take a ride with him to show me something, not knowing art girl and i had split. we roll by her old house, and both art girls and the douche-bag ex’s cars are there, and i knew… i called her, but no answer. i called again in the morning, and when she answered, i told her what i saw. she confessed to sleeping with him and i told her that she needed to come talk to me right then. after a long argument, she complied. when we talked, i tried to keep level, and she just acted like she didn’t care that she had replaced me in less than 24 hours. she told me when i asked why that it “got her close to who she wanted to be close to and that she loved him and didn’t love me, but as far as a relationship, that it was me and her or no one and that she was going to work on herself.” i had my doubts. she also said when asked that if i had not found out, she would never have told me.
we’ve only talked a few times, and one night we had an explosive argument because she was going to come get her things, but then didn’t. when she came to get her things, she acted friendly and i thought that a friendship would work, but we talked again just last week and i asked if they were official yet, and she said “eh.. it’s up in the air.” she was supposed to go on vacation this week to see her mother in another state. she had left a digital camera by accident and asked to come get it. i agreed. we talked a little and she told me that she was going to see him for a few days before going to see her mother… i’d been breaking every day but now i was dying inside. i kept my cool til she left, told her that i loved her but didn’t agree with her decision. she didn’t seem to care how i felt at all.
the night before last, she posted on her facebook that she “got there and was spending time with the man she loves.” i saw this in my feed and instead of going off, i wrote her a short message asking her to not post for a while thing about him and her, as it still hurt me. she deletes me from facebook. when i messaged and asked why, she told me that she wasn’t going to censor herself for me, yet it’s not that she doesn’t care… she said it was easier this way and that her and i will never get back together and she is sure he will never be hurt by him again.
so, in response, i instituted a no contact rule with a polite email, and temporarily deactivated my facebook… the email was this:
“hi,
i agree with you about the decision to break up, i really believe it was the best thing for both of us. i have some big decisions to make and i need some time to think them over. though i would like to maintain an active friendship, i would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time. i extend my apologies for offending you earlier. i will be in touch when I am ready.”
today is my second day of no contact, my facebook remains down and there is no reply in my email and she hasn’t called. i do still miss her but i took any power away that she has. i don’t know exactly what this will bring, whether we will even be friends, i don’t know. i hurt inside alot, and have even developed symptoms of anxiety: numbness in my arms, a tightness in my wind pipe and forgetfulness involving tasks that i’m doing. i didn’t cry yesterday or today, and was finally so exausted last night that i slept 7 hours. that is twice what i have been sleeping these past 3 weeks.
i don’t know if she ever cared, and i don’t know why she wanted to stay friends when she never talks to me except to rub it in or to get something she needs. but i know that by turning the tables she has no more control on me and i can begin to heal.
the point of “no contact” is this… it forces you and the other to take stock and see what you need to work on and if it is worth it for either one of you to find out and make the changes needed to make that a possibility. i say possibility because sometimes, even if you want to make those changes, simply by making them, you may find that the change was needed but the person is not. distance is the only way to heal, and i’m just learning that now.
for anyone who thinks that this will work as a mind game, it might or might not. that isn’t the point. if you think about it, you instead get closure either way, whether they call again or not. at least you will know where you stand, if you are important enough to at least be considered a friend or not. i’ve found that most times, when a girl asks you to be a friend, it is because she either values you, isn’t ready to fully let go, or enjoys the self-esteem boost of you chasing after her.
by doing “no contact” you flip the script on her, and deny her closure all the while, letting her actions present closure to you. it will hurt, but if you stand your ground, there is atleast the benefit of not compromising yourself. dignity is a must for a human being and until i finally got sick of it, i had been giving up my dignity by sending those letters of love with half assed best wishes, by begging her to reconsider and by trying to “be the good friend.” you have to find some venom in you to do no contact, so if they hurt you, either by cheating or by replacing you or using you or what ever, remember that. later on, you will find the only true way to forgive is to forget, but not right now. not while you hurt and need closure. forgiveness is a must, but there’s no time-line for it… do it when YOU are ready, not when they want it. this is all i’ve got, so i hope it strikes a chord for someone. thanks for the article, it helps me to know that i am not alone and that there are people who want me to and everyone else to return to a happy and healthy life.
-mcG
ok so i had my first girlfriend and we broke up.she sayed lets be friends so like an idiot i sayed ok. then i releaze that she just broke my heart so i decided to deleted all contact with her.but now she texting my best friend saying how im a asshole for deleting her and how hes an asshole to for deleting her.then she says im not acting my age…im acting like a 8 year old when actually im a 18year old.im mean sure i feel bad about deleting her even though we can be friend but the pain was to much.i dont understand why she just cant move on like i am. it only been 2 days and im ready to look for a new girlfriend.she also says im a pussy and have no balls just because i tried acting nice in front of her.