I have done it many times: I and my girlfriend broke up, now she’s my ex, and I am kind of over her.
I still think about her, though, and somewhere, I still want her.
Not in the way of driving to her place with a bunch of flowers and confessing my love, no, it’s more like I hope that one day she’ll call me and tell me that she also still wants me.
There’s just one thing… The day never comes.
Being in that is place is what I call the “grey land”, and it’s a very dangerous place.
You’re not really sad anymore, but neither are you particularly happy. You just let life happen, and see what will come next. You could also call it drifting.
How do you know if you are in the grey land?
- You check your phone a little too often to see if there is a text message from her. You’re not totally conscious of it, though. You’re just checking your phone, right?
- You huff and puff of the thought of you too as a couple again, but deep down, you know that you are lying to yourself. You know that, even though you may want other girls, you still want her.
- You wind up thinking about her at the oddest times and letting her distract what you are doing. You might be shooting some hoops, while suddenly you feel that she’s nearby and you lose focus and you stop to look around. Or maybe you’re swimming, or fishing, and your meditation with the activity gets broken of and you have a hard time concentrating again.
- This may be the most common one: you’re kind of looking for her at venues where you know she sometimes goes. This is mostly true if you live (or lived) near each other. And when you secretly look for her, you feel a little ashamed and feel that it’s not quite right.
- And that actually counts for all the points: you feel a little ashamed for still wanting her. And that is exactly what we’ll work on today. There’s no idea in feeling shame; it’s a pretty useless emotion.
In reality, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It’s absolutely normal to still think about your ex from time to time, to look for her and to check your phone a little too often.
Where many men go wrong is just that they won’t admit it; neither to others or to themselves.
They end up pushing the feelings away, instead of embracing them.
They’re actually pushing away a part of themselves, and that’s a pretty dangerous thing to start doing. The next time you feel a little “out of your body”, check in to see if there’s something you haven’t accepted entirely – if there’s something you still don’t quite believe.
As I said, this issue is very common, so (again) don’t feel ashamed.
The first step is plainly to acknowledge and accept that yes, you still have some feelings for her. It’s okay!
At the same time, you also know that those feelings won’t last forever. They usually disappear (almost) entirely when you meet someone new, or simply when some time has passed. This may be tomorrow, this may be next week, or it might be in three months. No one knows – and it really doesn’t matter!
Because it’s easy living with your feelings, as long as you accept them. Good feelings and bad feelings; they’re all good! Because they are simply just that, feelings.
You can’t control your feelings directly
Feelings are beyond your direct control. So don’t think too much about it, just let them be, and be totally honesty about it.
You may never get entirely over your ex, but don’t let that scare you.
It doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to love again, you most certainly will. It just means that she meant a great deal to you, and that you will never forget her.
Yes, she may have been a bitch (especially when things ended between you two), but despite that, she was and is an incredible woman. And that fact should make you smile; you have been with an incredible woman!
So with a smile on our lips, let’s look at…
The 7 ways to stop waiting and hoping for your ex girlfriend to text or call you (and get out of the grey land)
- 1. Acknowledge your situation. This is hugely important, because if you don’t accept your feelings, the healing process will take a lot longer and you won’t gain as much insight as you would otherwise. So simply take some time to really understand your feelings, I encourage you to write it out.
- 2. Make simple rules for yourself. Checking your phone a lot is a common habit when you are in the grey land, but don’t let that scare you. Strength and willpower is all it takes to get over it. Make simple rules for yourself like, “only check the phone three times a day” or just don’t have it nearby all the time. Don’t be afraid to let it stay at home some days. It’s all about getting more unattached to that little device called a phone…
- 3. Don’t contact her. At all. The no contact rule means no contact; and I’ve heard the excuse before where guys say “what if she needs help” or similar – it just doesn’t cut it. She has friends and family, let them handle her now when you’re not together anymore.
- 4. Meet someone new. Don’t start dating if you feel that you aren’t ready, for some it may take some time (especially if you and your ex was together for a long time). It’s not fair to the new girl if you’re dating her just because you want to get over your ex: date her because you like to date, and you like her. If those two are in check, the healing process can really quicken up. When you meet someone new, you suddenly realize that your ex wasn’t as good as you maybe have idolized her to be – in other words, starting dating again can really bring things into perspective.
- 5. Give up hope and realize that it’s over. This more aggressive approach will work better for some than for others, but it certainly can work. Pinch yourself every time you catch yourself thinking about her, and say to yourself that it’s over.
- 6. Give it time. All healing takes time, and when it comes to love, it can take a lot of time. Give yourself all the time you need, and don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s totally normal to have problems getting over an ex, what many fail to realize is just that you tend to make it worse if you don’t accept it.
- 7. Accept and don’t suppress. So even though I’ve already said it, I say it again. Accept it. Accept all your feelings, and be very honesty with yourself. I can only guide you to the right road – it’s you who have to follow it. It’s your life, so live it on your terms. You are the master and the only one who’s in control. Use it.
My friend David Deida says that you should rather live with a heart in pain than a heart that is closed off, and I whole (heartedly) agree with him.
The whole idea of getting out of this grey land is that she’s a distraction to you, and distractions are seldom any good. As I have stated many times, it’s perfectly normal to still have thoughts about her from time to time, but when it becomes a problem and an annoyance, it’s time to take action.
It’s possible to become attached to the mere thought of her
Sometimes you grow attached to the thought of her, even though you don’t even want her. It’s like you create this image in your mind that everything will be perfect if you get back together.
It’s just that, in the relatively unlikely event that you actually do get back together, nothing will get fixed. Learn to enjoy your situation as it is right now instead. Be grateful for what you have!
It’s the road, guys, not the goal. Keep that in mind.
And while you’re at it, embrace pain, accept your losses, and move on. There’s a new day tomorrow!
See you soon guys.
Your friend in love and pain,
Alex Kay
Also, I think that you should check out the newly opened forum right here: The JKTC Café. Come on over and introduce yourself and let’s talk some sh*t! :-)
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Some of these are really tough to accept. Never throwing in the towel is probably always good for a boxing match or a business goal, but it’s a horrible mindset to have in relationships. But then how would one know that for sure if they always end up throwing in the towel….
Justin, you ask some pretty tough questions there! Not sure if they have an answer. But I do know that you should always fight for something if it’s worth fighting for – while knowing that you won’t beat yourself up for trying your best and failing. Always remember that a mistake is only a mistake if you make it twice :-)
I dont know but, I think Alex hit this one on the nose…
Great article Alex. We often times hold on to the what ifs and it keeps us in the greyland that you talk about. Hey Justin, I know your story..Very similar to mine in many aspects, however, we have to learn to let go and that includes me.
Throwing in the towel is never an easy task and at times may seem stupid for us to do..however it is the best thing we can do right now, believe me I think about her all the time and it drives me crazy also..I want it to stop…..I want to move on with my life and I think this article was an excellent piece to hold onto…..
Thanks Alex for always the great info….
You’re right Kawai, throwing in the towel can be really hard sometimes, but also very neccessary. As I’ve said before, try to see it as a beginning to something new, instead of an end to something old. Let me know how it goes!
I had the same problem once except we were not dating… yet. Both of us were waiting and in the end nothing happened: we both interpreted this as a “he/she doesn’t care”. It failed before I had the chance to do anything and other “stuff” (guys) got in the way and kind of blew it up… anyway
Thanks for the seven tips Alex, you’ve nailed it once again!
Anthony, tell me about it! The situation is so common; just take some action on it and be a man next time ;-)
Glad to see you around here.
Alex
Another Justin writing – this is exactly what i needed to read right now. It all applies to me, letting go is the hardest thing i have ever gone through, and im not through it yet. Shes with somebody else now, i blew it bigtime, have HUGE guilt on my shoulders and I cant stop thinking about it/her – this article helps enourmously, im turning my phone off right now!
Hello “other Justin”!
Sounds like a good idea – I’m sure you’re going to be better every day. And see it as an opportunity to be a better man for the next woman in your life – start a healthy habit, get a new hobby, whatever makes you tick.
Don’t hesitate to send me an email if you have some private questions, or write them publicly at the new forum.
I too needed to read this right now. Justin E,I’m going through the same thing man, I feel huge guilt for fucking up.
It has been a year since my ex and I broke up, but recently I have had some of the most vivid dreams regarding her. Not sexually speaking but just being with her and seeing her again and knowing that if I got a second chance, all the pieces of my life would fit together again.
I agree completely with Alex regarding the acceptance of emotions. But another thing that has become a problem for me and other guys I’m sure is the embracement of false idealism. Along with the idolatry that comes with placing that person on the pedestal of your mind is the false utopia you put your faith in if “only we were back together.”
Embrace the analytical side of your mind as well. Know that there are endless possibilities in life. You are to an extent the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. This is one path among many that didn’t work out and it wasn’t destined to- accept it.
Keep the awesome articles coming, Alex. They help me infinitesimally. Regards,
-Adam
Adam, I’m glad I could give you what you need.
You say so many fantastic things in your comment, so I’ll just let it sit there on its own pedestal and do the talking itself. Some of those sentences were pure gold, though.
Your insight is great my friend – make sure to apply it to yourself, too.
Great blog guys! I appreciate the realistic, down-to-earth advice.
Like others have said, I too needed to read this right now. Maybe in the next post you can cover what to do/not to do when your ex does contact you. I’m in the boat right now and not sure what to make of this unexpected “how are you?” from her.
Keep blogging, we are reading!
Alex, welcome to the site :-)
That’s a perfect idea for the next article, I’ll be very sure to keep it in mind.
Also, thanks a lot for the tip, and be my guest and read as much as you want!
Take care,
Alex
I came out of a 6 year relationship 2 months after packing my life up and moving to her hometown 300 miles away. Its been 2 months since I told her I was moving back home and that was the last I spoke to her. Reality is, I stayed because I loved the city.
I have 2 main issues right now. I have these days (once a month or so) where I feel the need to check out the FB profile of the guy she cheated on me with. Well I did this week and saw a pic of them together. However, it didn’t affect me as much as I thought it would. That indicates to me that I’m progressing.
The other issue is the venues thing you mentioned. I look out for her when I’m on the bus home going down the main street in Edinburgh. I don’t know why, its just something I do.
I’ve accepted my situation and my feelings, and thats probably how I’ve survived these last few months. I moved here for her originally and don’t have any good mates or close family I can confide in yet so its been tough, but I’m taking up new activities in random groups off Meetup and its helped alot.
Stu, it sounds like you have already made a lot of progress. Terrific!
But its a pain the a*s when you keep “looking out” for someone. Trust me, I know.
I think that it’s also rooted in the fact that she doesn’t know that you still live there. What I would do? Tell her. Ask her to meet you over a cup of coffee for old times sake and simply tell her that you still live in Edinburgh.
Argue with me on this one, because it may not be what you feel is right. But what is also not right is you “avoiding her”. It drains a lot of energy (subconciously) which you could have used in many other and better ways.
Let me know what you think!
Alex
First justin here. Kawai, it does indeed look like we have the same situation here. Thank you for the advice!
Two things I want to say:
1.) I have accepted she is now a part of my mind and might always be in my thoughts.
2.) I know I have thrown in the towel because she is no longer in my thoughts about the future.
Thanks again Alex for the tips!
Great stuff as always mate! The last tip – accept and don’t suppress – is the best. If I might add just to it a little bit (even though my opinion is uninvited hehe) – Relax into your sadness, just sit down and let yourself miss her as much as you can… and soon it will pass. The more you fight it the more it stays stuck.
So very welcome Justin.
And Albert, thank you. And you’re opinion is never uninvited – I encourage other views and discussions on anything and everything I write, so please, don’t hold back. Your advice is very profound. It’s a hard thing to do, but if it’s possible, also often the best.
Stay strong everybody.
Alex
[...] was the comment on the last post 7 Ways to Stop Waiting For Your Ex to Text or Call left by my name brother [...]
I have this problem now where I constantly check my phone and emails for any messages and this is after 9 days of NC. I am always waiting for her to contact me saying she “misses me” or something but it never happens.
I feel so disappointed but I can’t seem to shake her off however bad she treated me. I know we can never have a future together but part of me wants her to come back begging for me. Is this a power thing i’m having or something else?
yes, great stuff. its crazy how nagging that feeling is to “say something” I recieved the text the day after. ” I will always love you and miss you, im sorry” I relied “ok”. what the hell that meant. I dunno, but it was my reply. and since i clicked send- im sticking with it.
funny thing is I didn’t love him. I cared because he was a friend of a long time. I knew he was not my type. I did it to have someone to do things with that wasnt just a friend.
well although glad I wont be planning a wedding. I will be mourning the death of a friendship. and that stupid thing you do when you feel this way….keep checking my phone.
well vanessa i say u should talk to him about it and if he was just a friend u should be glad he was a good friend for a part of your life :)
i have this wierd feeling of hopelessness idky me and my bf have been together for 5 yrz.and hes great our relationship is good but i feel like idk if itll work out sumtimes when i think that everything will work out and i wont think of the feeling that i have i get scared maybe im afraid to let it go because ive felt it 3 times already and ive gotten used to it it lasts for atleast 2 weeks the other times ive gotten over it but idk if i will this time and i knw for sure i want to be with him and ive talked to him already about it and he says we can still be friends no matter what happens but i hate it i feel like im such a bad person he’s never felt that way abt me so y do i? And i h8 the thought of him bein with another girl well i dnt hate it but i dnt like it id be happy for him and im kinda starting to deal with it now i think that our relationship is better now but i feel like im not ever guna get over this feeling.PLEASE HELP! :’(
Great article again mate, in perfect timing too. This website has been an absolute godsend to me since I found the “how to get over the ex article.”
I thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.
i agree with that…it’s hard to explain but it’s works..really hard, you feel like shit, or 4 example you broke up the relationship with her , and the time is passing you know, for one reason you realize that ” ohhh, look my facebook, she is in love with other guy”..and you feel like shit, like nothing….
…
thanks for the article
by the way i’m sorry if you don’t get some words or expressions
i’m from chile
i try to write in the good way..jaja
bye.
Hello, you have no idea how true most of these things are . I thank you for your help and i hope to forget about my ex.
HI there! my 3 year relationship ended very recently. we’re the first for each other and i really thought he was the one. i think until now i still do. it’s so hard right now b/c there are times i feel like i’m finally able to live my life then boom! i see something that reminds me of him. we live an hour apart and i get to pass by his house where i used to live with him every time i visit my family. i think about him all the time and i’m getting tired of feeling sorry for myself. I want it to stop! i want the bad feelings to go away!
it’s so bad that i can’t breathe every time it hits me that we’re not together anymore and he’s possibly with someone else. i know you said i should accept these feelings but it’s too damn hard!!! i feel stupid and weak when i let it control me and affect my mood. but i don’t check my phone for his msgs in fact i want him to not contact me out of the blue. i want to forget him and live my life the way he chose to live his. it’s so unfair that i’m still attached when he’s not!
sorry guys, the wound is still brand new. i really want to move on but the stupid valentine’s day is coming up and it’s putting me in a very depressive mood.
but great article, i will read over and over again. Thanks.
Dani, its “you” time. Your relationship was a small part of the bigger picture. Work on yourself so you’re ready for the next wave.
I just broke up too, and thats how I’m keeping it all in perspective.
Dani,
Don’t be to hard on yourself. My ex-girlfriend left to go back to her home town 9 months ago and we officially broke up 5 months ago. And it still feels like a open wound.
I know exactly how you feel. She wasn’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but we were definitely perfect for each other. I still am annoyed at myself for letting my emotions and mood still be dictated too by this girl, who probably barely remembers me. She always was very future focused and doesn’t like to look backwards. I agree it is SO unfair.
Sean is right though. It is our time now. Do you best to focus on yourself. My life went to the crappers, so I am slowly picking it up piece by piece. Good thing is that I haven’t contacted her since responding to her last text on Jan 1. I guess that is the one benefit of having her on the other side of the country.
Good luck!
My ex barely contacts me anymore. I took care of her everyday cooked for her, brought her shopping. I’m in college now and she’s still in High School. Although my University is not far away from my home town I never see her because she started to drive and hang with her friends more often to get over me I guess. I’ve spent time with friends to ease the pain. But recently I’ve gone out partying met some new girls. But I don’t want anyone but her. I know I’m still in love with her, eventhough the reason we broke up was because I fell out of love with her and thought college would broaden my horizons. I wish she would text me or call me. But she only needs me when something is wrong, or has a question about something I know. I taught her a lot since she was younger. But I’m stuck in the gray area, I think about her everyday and wished I never let her go. I’m just not as attracted to the girls who are attracted to me. I wish I still had her but I guess I don’t want to give up hope. Because I know she suppressed her feelings by hanging with her friends. I’m struggling but I get by day by day. My GPA and work ethic has died. Both spring and fall semester. I miss her and I know when we do spend time together playing tennis or something we enjoy each others company. And after that she ignores me, suppressing what we have/had. Honestly I think I hurt her, maybe she’s too scared to want anything to do with me. Sorry I wrote so much. But it helped.
Thanks
Sunti
Hi guys, hope all is well!
I’v enjoyed reading the article.. its just great. Im a girl and i was with someone many years ago and we broke..it took me so long to get over it but i guess i am now as I havnt seen him since.
I fell in love again after that and again.. everything is falling apart.. i dont know if its really me but why does it happen to me? I am a kind person and pure i dont understand it all. I have joined the gym and training to be a teacher which sometimes keep my mind off it but really it gets back to me sometimes. Everything is falling apart but this time I feel i have no control to bring it back.. i dont know if I should hold on or just let it go.
Need advice please
Hi Alex,
I broke up with my ex 4yrs ago and I still think of her sometimes. reason was I put too much expectations despite a long distance relationship.
It was hard at first. I kept myself busy & I had changed to be a very moody person. Then, I realized what I want in life. I also got my family & friends who cares about me. So, I started to value things around me and myself.
But at the same time, I acknowledge my feeling toward her till now. She was and is still the love of my life. No doubt. We are still friends.And, oh yeah, both of us are singles too.
I have no idea what will happen in the future and it is very important to me to say I Love U to her while I am still able to tell her. and, I did few days ago.
So, I always believe that if anyone who still in love with their ex, it is fine to confess. You’ve got nothing to lose. In a way, you are being honest to yourself. That is all matters.