This is the number one question I get asked most of the time – right after the question on how to win her back.
And it’s difficult to answer. How do you get over your ex girlfriend?
I guess that we have all been there at some point in our lives.
Relationship starts. Everything’s good. Suddenly, everything isn’t so good. And you break up. That’s life!
I have had my share of it, so I speak from experience here.
You have probably shared lots of good times, and now it’s gone.
No more holding hands, no more crawling in close when it’s cold outside, no more kisses under the moonlight, no more anything.
For some it’s easier to accept than others. But I don’t think anyone like breaking up.
For the first few days, after realizing the truth, you feel pretty awful. This is definitely the worst part of a break up, and also the part that defines your emotions for the next couple of weeks.
So how do you go about handling a break up?
As thoughts are really hard to control, I’ll give you a “timeline” for your emotions.
I know it might sound a little strange, but it’s how I personally handle the break up, and for that reason, I figure it might be useful for some people.
Here we go:
The first few days I cry my heart out. I let out all of my negative feelings, and do almost nothing more all day than to “think about her”. Whenever I try to slip in a positive thought, I’ll disregard it right away. It’s my privelege to be sad just a few days a year, I’ll explain why later on.
What’s really important in this phase is that you don’t talk to anyone about the break up. At least not more than something like “we’re not together anymore”.
Another really important thing to do is to stop listening to love songs. At this point, you will most likely identify with them, and I know from experience that this can really f**k up your emotions later on.
So just let yourself be as sad as you can, without talking to anyone, and without getting feelings from anyone else than yourself.
Afterwards, if you have followed my advice, you should almost be sick thinking about her. 3 days might not be a long time in a calendar, but in your head, it will almost feel like it’s ages ago you broke up.
You will start realizing that she wasn’t “the one” for you, and that you have your whole life waiting, along with millions of cute girls.
Over the next few weeks, you might have some reoccurring thoughts about her. That’s fine. As long as you realize how bad she was for you, and that you’re not going to get back together.
I think this is the part most guys do wrong. They keep thinking they can get back together, and this makes it incredibly hard to move on.
For a couple of days, try to just “get on with it”. Don’t spend time thinking about her, just live your life like you always have.
After a week or two, you’ll see that you do fantastic without her. You might not be completely “over her”, but you’re definitely on the right path to getting so.
Personally, after about 2-3 weeks, I completely stop thinking about her. Well, not completely, she’s still “my ex”, but I’m by no means sad about the fact that we’re not together anymore.
Soon, I’ll meet another girl, twice as nice, and it’s all uphill from here with happiness. Until we break up.
Life’s strange isn’t it?
General tips on handling the break up
- Stop stroking the banana fantasizing about her. It’s just wrong… AND it tightens your emotional bonds to her. Not good man!
- You’d be amazed what kissing a new girl can do. Start meeting new people as soon as possible.
- Accept that she wasn’t the one. She was just a girl, whatever your brain might tell you. You have a “her” hole in your stomach right now, and you probably think that only she can fill it. But what the hole really is is just a woman shaped hole, and any women can fill it.
- Take control of the situation. Don’t let her define your feelings, only you can do that.
- Start living again. After feeling down for a few days, a week, or maybe more, start living again. If you have always wanted to start playing tennis, now is the time to do it. Or start playing guitar, or start painting. Anything will work, just gain some kind of new passion, or relive an old one.
Why it’s important to be sad at first
This might not work for everyone, but I can only conclude stuff from my own experience, so that’s what I’m going to do.
The reason I choose to be sad at first, is to take control. It’s my choice to cry, she has nothing to do with it. Not directly, anyway.
In my opinion it’s really bad to try to run from your feelings, because you will feel sad. Best just to admit it and let it out.
After those few days, you will also realize that someone that made you so sad, wasn’t right for you. This is also important.
So now to wrap it up, I would like to know one thing.
How do you get over an ex girlfriend / handle a break up?
Let’s start a discussion here!
UPDATE: There are A LOT of comments on this post. A lot of them includes fantastic tips for getting over your girl. I highly recommend reading as many as you can to get a general feel.
Something that has helped a lot of guys here is to simple get on with your life. START HERE. Download the EBOOK REVIEWED HERE.
And as always, contact me for personal advice.
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Great timing, as I’m going through some of this right now. I really think that filling the void in your life is huge. You might not be over her, or ready for another serious relationship, but you can just go out with some other people without getting serious until you’re ready. I don’t worry about finding the next girl, just keep it casual and have a good time. Kissing her can do wonders to help you move on.
Once the emotions have settled it’s also worth asking yourself if there is anything to be learned. Whether I want to do anything different next time.
Hey Jason,
I like your point of view :) Good luck “getting over her” and kissing someone new mate.
Evan,
Yeah, always great to take a lesson or two.
Hi Alex,
I wish I read this 6 years ago. It’s been years and I still dreamed about her (most are sweet dreams)
2-3 weeks is real quick.
Hey Raymond,
I don’t know if I should feel sad or happy to hear that…
Anyway, I hope you can move on with your life someday :) We all have to take our time, your’s I suppose is just a lot longer than mine.
Recognising that you’re not going to get back together is the biggie I reckon. We all tend to cling to the hope that ‘it will all work out’ and find it hard to let go. I’ve had a couple of experiences where we got back together again and it’s just no good. Once you’ve broken up getting back together is never going to be the same. It’s much better to move on.
Now all you have to do is convince yourself of that.
Hey Karen,
Yeah, I agree… Thinking that you’re going to get back together is a real “biggie”… ;)
I see what you’re saying, also about really getting back together. It’s never the same.
Moving on really is the only way.
I also got this quote from some song: “Looking back will only make you fall over the things in front of you”.
I think it tells a lot. It could be said that you have to look back to know where you’re heading, though.
As always Karen, thanks for your comment :)
it usually involves a lot of alcohol for me
I think replacing one girl for another isn’t that healthy either. But I do like what you say about giving the break up time. I think there’s a moment where you are overwhelmed by your past feelings. The love and heartbreak–you want to indulge in the relationship as much as possible. I think that’s healthy. But eventually, it fades. You move on.
Just a few months ago i was wondering “when she was coming back” when i should have been saying, “why would i want her back”? I realize this more and more now by the help of my closest friends. Rely on their support and whatever you do… go out, go out, go out, and then go out some more. Have fun and enjoy your new found freedom. Don’t dwell on 1 girl when there is a whole universe full of girls out there and most definitely another one will be there for you. Dont give her a 2nd thought as she no longer deserves preferential treatment! Right now, i am 3 months removed from my breakup. I won’t lie to you, i still think about her and wonder what she is up to, but then i clear that thought with how i have alot more to offer somebody else in which the ex didn’t see it! Hope this helps. It will get better.. It always does. And i agree with the others on “not rushing” into another relationship just to fill in the lonely times. Its not fair to the other person who may open their heart ot you. Rebounding is what my ex was all about.
kc
Kevin, lol! Well, if you’re serious, I’ll say that it’s not the best idea… You’ll only feel worse after. But whatever ;)
Lucy, thanks for your comment. I think “replacing” is a really bad idea too, and I don’t think the new girl will like it either.
Kenneth… dude! I couldn’t have stated it better myself! Congratulations on your newfound freedom, and I’m sure you’ll find another girl soon ;)
Heya Alex! Really great advice man.
What really got me over my ex was to start living life again, do everything that I’ve always wanted to do with my life, but for some reason didn’t pick it up when I was with my ex – and that to me was surfing, photography and just generally going out again, seeing my friends that I hadn’t spent time with for a long long time, and now I feel fantastic! Everything will look better – time is an awesome healer and freind.
Seriously – my advice is to get out there and live – not just exist.
Yo, you know what? I had a girl who i have been with for 4 years and we broke up 3 times, i felt like crap for a whole year, and i still have some kind of feelings, i aint gonna lie. but that still does not
stop me from living my life, and meeting other women, and homeboy is right, its not a HER hole its a WOMAN hole that needs to be filled in that
stomach, and they ALL have the same shit between their legs, this is someoe who i really loved, who i still love, though my feelings are waning, because im more focussed on graduating college this year. and dating other bitches to be thinking about her like that, its when we get in relationships we tend to forget who we were before them and when we fall in love we start to change and think that we cant live without them, well thats bullshit, the truth is your a star and success waiting to happen and as far as the females are concernd,
guess what?……they will ALWAYS be there, the chicks aint going no where just work on making your success, education and status/ confidence go up and you wont have to stress the women because they will be busy stressing for you, women like successfull men who got it together so now is the time to do that for ones self, but not for the chicks.. but 4 UR SELF, and when you do than the chicks wil autamatically gravitate to you, because they see you shining and going places in life, there might even come a time when your ex realized she lost a good dude whos got it together compared to the one she deals with now, and than when your on top she comes crawling her behind back,
but you dont give in….. you just be like na bitch im good ( you dont literally say that but that should be your vibe, with a smile and total confidence, because your successfull and chances are you probally have someone else/ a couple of women who put her sorry butt to shame ne way.
to sum it up, this is the time to get to know you and work on yourself,
the females aint goin no where trust me,
their out there waiting for a strong intellegent dude like ya self whos got it together so dont trip, trust me i know how it feels, i litterally felt like killing myself at one point ( of course i aint stupid enough to do that, espeacially over a bitch) but trust me follow this advice and everything should be cool.
peace
i like it carl
I broke up with my ex about a week and a half ago and was really crapped out till sunday. I talked to her and she was being really rude. We dated for 7 months, had some great times, but thats that. I she truely loved me and wanted it to work, she would have been more patient. Yeah, i didnt eat much or sleep well last week, but I feel almost normal. Went out on sat, hit on four girls and got 4 numbers, two which have already called me. Thats not the point though. The point is that just like the thread states its the the hole the says “replace with girl B” not your actual ex. What really made it clearer for me is this…this is the best advice for alot of guys..How many girls were you googly over and butt hurt when you broke up? Im sure it just wasnt your recent one unless your really young. I think back at these girls I “thought” i was crazy about and say wtf was I thinking! I would not even consider dating them again…not bad eh? Just be a man, make yourself stronger mentally and PREVENT your previous mistakes to cost you your next hottie
Iestyn, another man who totally gets it. I’m so glad for you, suddenly life’s good again ;)
Thanks a lot for your comment mate!
Carl, I must start by saying that I have a hard time reading what you’re writing.
But I think I get the overall picture, and I think you have a great attitude towards dating (and life in general)
Thanks, and keep it up man! Mike likes what you’re saying too, so it can’t just be me.
Brian, noo, not bad! Especially about hitting on 4 women and getting 4 numbers. That’s great!
I also really like your attitude.
Actually, I think I have really intelligent readers. Maybe you all should just write instead of me? Naahh… Just kidding.
But thanks for all your comments guys!
Alex, that’s a great article you wrote and it lets me see outside of my situation so that I can cope with it.
The more you think about her the worse you make it for yourself. DON’T keep thinking about her. Just do anything you can to avoid this.
Even if she wants to be friends be polite but ignore her as much as possible. You have a new life now and there is so much opportunity out there for you.
Believe that you are the shit. Say your name to yourself several times and proclaim that you can do anything you set your mind to.
If one girl fell in love with you, you can sure as hell bet that there will be others who are immensely attracted to you. Believe in this and be patient. You will build yourself. They will come.
Never believe she is better than you. You are the most important thing in your life.
Work out. Run, lift weights, get involved in martial arts, play a sport etc. Exercise has been proven to be so therapeutic for me. Plus women will think you are even hotter than you were and get desperate for you!!
Also remember: Revenge is living the best life.
Great article. I am currently at a month of it after being in it just about 2 years. Shits hard. I still think I talk about her to much to people but now I just refer to her as “my ex” instead of “my girl friend”…I need to stop talking about her period to people unless they ask. One thing that I am really still struggling with is just the loneliness. Whenever I didn’t have any friends or anyone else to hang with or talk to, there so was for me whenever I wanted. But now I have that emptieness and I get very lonely easy it seems.
Adam,
I love comments like this. It truly shows that you GET IT! You’re DAMN RIGHT about other girls falling for you; they will come ;)
And I just love the quote of “Revenge is living the best life”, brilliant man :)
Ryan,
You’re definately on the right path here, you just need to keep on improving. In time she will fade from your consciousness. Good luck!
Thanks for your comments guys :)
well my ex and i broke up early last month we have been together almost 4 yrs . Yes i’ve cheated and always wanted to take it back so after the 2 yr mark we were off and on that type of deal , anywayz we got back togetha last yr in November and i swear everything seem so right we had a tremendous valentines day it was great but then i started to notice how distant she was actin she stop calling and would want to get off the phone fast so I started feeling weird and i talked to her she says she doesn’t know if she’s in love with me anymore but she loves me i kinda felt the same but now i cant see myself with out her and it hurts bad my b day is march 31 and hers april 2 we are always together but this yr we wasn’t and now my mind is playing tricks and scenarios on me now!!
And now she has this friends seem like everytime i f’d up she would call him talk to him i mean she tells me its nothing but that feeling is there and i question it damn is she being honest he has a girlfriend but its weird because he makes it his business to conversate with my ex.Tonight was one of my worst nights i havent been able to sleep just wondering could she be having sex with this guy is she with him right now what she doing all these thoughts playin back and forth and its killing me i need help getting over her. I bought me a car the engine blows now she takes me to work until i i come up with the money for a new one so now its really hard to get over her when i see her 5 days a week what do i do?
Hey TJ,
Look dude just hang in there. I know exactly how you feel. I know it may sound cliche, but you just got to find that inner strength within yourself and rip that shit out.
If she is talking to some other guy about all your problems then that is so fucked up. Don’t lower yourself to that. You have to ask yourself, why isn’t she talking to you about those problems?
My best advice to you is cut off all ties to this person.
There is this one guy who is seeing my ex now. My ex said she couldn’t stand this person but now she is hanging out with him on a regular basis. She said he was so annoying and ugly as fuck but now she talks to him all the time and now she won’t even be friends wih me. She was my first love.
I say fuck her. You have so much to look forward to dude. Don’t give up on all life has to offer you.
I am still going through a time where I can’t see myself without my ex. I thought that we were perfect for each other. But we weren’t at all.
Think about all the times you got into horrible arguments and hated each other. I know you’ve felt this, as I have many many times. At some point you must realize, its just not worth it.
Listen, I have regreted so many things in my relationship with my ex. But you have to move on now. You have to learn and grow and know that there are so many girls out there who will love and accept you. They have made mistakes too.
Alex, your advice has helped me so much. Thanks!
thanx man dat kinda made me feel better i got some more stuff out of her about thim this guy makes her feel happy and she says he is something new or what not and she wants to know what it feels like to b happy. he tells her his girlfriend 12 yrs he has thought about leaving her for my x and i know how my x is and talks and views things and right now she is in deep like with him so all the stuff he is saying is basically getting in her head and she is loving the attention she tells me that he came at the right time and they just kinda hit it off but my thing is HE HAS A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND she didnt approve me chating the time i did and didnt want that but she turns around and becomes the woman the guy would cheat on his ex for i asked her alot of questions and got out alot of shit that hurts so deep man but im fighting and im strong ive started working out today running and walking exercising and it is actually helping me loosen up and forget her ass. the catch is we have 2 boys together so its 10 times as hard!
yeah i’m still feeling it after 4 weeks i’m so tempted to call her and see what she’s doing but i miss her but i must be strong and move on.
After a year she said she not in love with me but she loves me. She’s now trying to talk to another guy which also has a gf he left his GF to talk to her now they probably doing something but I’m trying to not to care i’m just so surpised at how fast she moved on.
Me and my girl broke up about 1 month and a bit ago. We went out for 3 years. She’s all I think about everyday, especially on the weekends when i’m asking myself, i wonder if she’s going clubbing tonite and grinding up on other dudes. Im always stalking her facebook account, looking at her pictures and shit and saying damn wat a piece of ass i lost, and watching who shes talking to which needs to stop. She was my first love..everytime i think about her i never think about the bad times, its always the good times and it kills me. Its gonna be hard to move on because not to sound conceited but i think i’m a pretty good looking guy, I just lack confidence or “game” with other girls. I’m very tempted to call her, i almost did several times but i need to stay strong..
Not sure how I found this site, but ironically its exactly what i’m going through, my girl left me about a week ago. And I’ve been going through the phases, sadness, regret, anger, acceptance, and i’m starting to get to the move on phase. But Friday night it really hit me, I didn’t have any plans, and all these thoughts came into my head… wonder what she is doing… and then of course I hit a brief feeling of lonliness, and kinda slipped back into wondering the “shoulda, coulda, woulda’s” of where I went wrong in the relationship, what I could have done to change things. I feel this way because throughout the relationship, (which was a 10 month long distance from the start, got to see each other only 1-3 times a month), there were arguements that i’m sure i could have handled differently, but me being the guy… i rarely remember why they happened. But she had like a photgraphic memory and in the end she made me feel pretty badly about myself. I mean there were other factors that seemed real iffy to me, for instance she had a heart to heart with her ex, just days before the break-up, just to tell him, that we were going to get engaged this summer, and to please stop contacting her..odd thing about that is she told me marriage was not something she was ready for, but thats beyond the point. And of course the evil myspace… I’ve removed myself from her page, but I can’t help to see her profile picture has changed, and she looks so happy. I still deal with the wondering of why I couldn’t be the guy to make her happy… why she didn’t want to push through for at least a month more, for when she came home for the summer to see if it was the distance messing with the relationship… its just hard… but I am making it… i’m just wondering if there is good way, to not think about the what could have beens? Does that make sense….. anyways great blog, and I’m still working on it, I think i’m close to making it through.. just the things said at the end still are burning a bit.
Kyle and luciano I’m going through the same shit Sundays are my worst days I sit there having nothing to do I abadon all my friends and I’m currently in Dallas she stays in Louisiana I used to drive 8 hours to go see her and now she said we argue a lot but I realized she always started it. I hated it I was about to be discharge from the service in 2 months true she could of hang on so we can see if it was the distance that made us mad at each other. True she changed she just turned 21 and now she says she wants to mingle I did everything for her but she changed. Heres my thoughts on it. She doesn’t know that you’re sad and she doesn’t care no more if she really did care she would of stayed by your side or called but she even tolded me she didn’t want to be in a relationship but now she’s going out with somebody after 4 weeks I’m thinking that she’s been talking to this guy and now wanted to move on but had to make some sorry ass excuse so don’t feel bad for something loss remember the good times but just say it like this I learn form this and move on I know it’s hard I still can’t sleep at night but you know what she doesn’t care about you sleeping or not she only cares about her feelings and what makes her happy.
whatever u do don’t call her luciano
It will not help the situation. She dont’ care about you if she did she would of called so see how you doing she’s moving on you need to realized that man.
I hear ya ben, but the hardest thing to do is not call in and check up on them to see how they are. Its fairly difficult especially when i’m the type of person who looks back at the situation, and finds myself taking the blame for a lot of things… i’m not sure if that mentality has been engrained in me or not, but its just tough to not find myself wondering A LOT what i could have done diffently to keep her with me.
hey guys, my girlfriend just broke up with me after it being almost 2 years. I have never felt this upset and depressed in my whole life. I have lost my apatite for food i can not even eat. What do i do?
there’s nothing you can do dave just let it be and dont’ contact her if she does love you she will come back but if she doesn’t move on man. Dont’ wait around for her it’s just a waste of time and for you kyle i do the same thing I’ve been thinking what could i have doen but that’s not the true problem there’ nothing i could of done if she wanted to leave she will leave no matter how much she loves you and if you really loved you she would of sticked around and handle situation A girls ways of bailing is saying they need space and then do what the hell they want.
good words ben… its just been a day to day process…. but i’ll soon enough see that there is another world than one that involves her…. and honestly regardless the mistakes i made and wanted to fix…. i need to move on, learn from them and regain confidence in who i am
i’m still going through this it’s hard day by day though i do the same thing guilty as charge still thinking about her.
It’s so amazing to read these comments here.
Guys helping guys with their feelings, aww, it’s just so touching :)
Really great to see.
If anyone has a specific question for me, please don’t hesitate to send me an email through the about page.
Keep the comments and help flowing!
And to all the guys saying thanks etc., you’re welcome!
I am only here to help you out. Just glad you appreciate it :)
but truly how do i get over this girl i keep thinking she’s gonnna come around and give me back my stuff what am i gonna say.
Great advice. I think sometimes it’s hard to get her out of your head, and you need to quiet your mind to stop thinking about her. A great way to do that is distract yourself through physical activity – go run 10 miles, cycle 50, play soccer, hit the gym. The endorphines will give you a boost, and you’ll realize you feel great without her.
I broke up with my girlfriend a month ago. She has two kids from a previous marriage and she dicided she didn’t want to have anymore kids. I don’t have any but I would like to one day. So I broke with her because i didn’t think there was a point in moving on if we weren’t on the same page in regards to children. I’m doing ok. I had to tell her last night that we shouldn’t talk anymore. She would always call me to see how I was doing and tell me she loved me..etc. I never really called her. But last night was just too much and I told her to stop calling me (nicely of course). She got mad and hung up on me. I can handle the break up but the biggest problem I’m having is thinking about her being with someone else (sexualy). I just can’t stand the thought of her sleeping with someone else. How do I train my brain to not think about that?
Hey guys, i was in a relationship for like half a year, and i just cant get over her…My band broke up, and ive lost my inspiration for art…I just dont know what to do now, i feel like shit constintly, my friend CJ her advice to me was to listen to Green Day- Watsername, because there is a line in it telling me to forget her just not the time, but i just cant, its been over a month now, and everyday i hate this feeling, i just want over her and the sooner the better… Should i just go out and get another girlfriend? Ive been asked out 3 times this week, but i said no… Does anyone here rekon i should reconsider, i just want over her and fast…..
Ali
this is a great place for advice!! I just broke up wit my girl of 6 yrs. its not the first time we break up. but its actually been the smoothest of them. I still think about her but I don’t feel horrible when I do. she calls a few times a week to say hi. plus she be wiriting to me on myspace. I’ve told her not to call cause sometimes we end up arguing and she usually wins the battle of words!! but like she writes stuff like to try and get me jelous. making it seems she’s having a great time now. yest I did get that awful feeling of being alone but it soon went away.. I am fucking around wit like 3 girls now but I can’t get over the fact that my ex was one nice piece of ass…. oh well honestly I guess if she was the one to try and work things out then mayby ill reconsider. I was the one that broke it of cause she liked to argue a lot so my plan was to make her feel like lonely and relize to shut the hell up and stop arguing over everything, at first she was calling and looking for me but I felt she didn’t learn her lesson. so I just went about my business and was living the single life. it was a easy transition until I found out she had a myspace and that pissed me off. this was like a week in half ago. its been a minor set back but not that bad. for whateva reason it upsets me that she’s goin out wit her cousins every weekend getting drunk!!! I start thnking weird shit!! but anyways I’m not really asking for advice guys I just wanted to share my experience……. thanks
Hey, i was the same Ali who posted not long ago, 11 days even, feels longer now, well i got over my ex, im actually going out with a new girl, and im so happy, how did i do it? Well when my life was going to hell i decided to take notice to people who were there, and started talking to this girl i knew alot more, before long i was thinking of her, and then i started to lift weights to death music, i know it sounds mad, but it motivated me, it told me life was shit, i thought of my ex whilst it all played, and started telling myself our relationship was crap, whilst i had a picture of the girl i was aiming for infront of me, and adventually i started to like the new girl a hell of alot more, now listen okay? My ex hooked up with someone, sure im sad…It was sad to see that, but i have a new girlfriend and she is 10 times better, i will care for my ex at times, but she means a hell of alot less to me than i thought she did…Anyway just wanted to drop that in….Ali
This is awesome! I’ve felt everything listed here about my ex who i was with for about two years, and thought i was the only person in the world who felt as bad as i did, but everything gets better, especially when you start living that amazing single life again! Go out with friends, get drunk with them like you used to, before she stopped you, chase other girls! I agree with Sergio, the images of her sleeping with someone else are extremely hard to deal with, especially as i lost my virginity to her, but since sleeping with other people, they fade much more quickly, and of course you’ll never forget her, but you will soon realise how much better off without her you are!
Top work chaps, this is the best help i’ve found!
Also you gotta remember, there are so so so many other, cuter, girs out there who are much better suited for you than her, so just give her the finger and think fuck her, she hurt me so much and doesn’t care, im not going to let her bring me down!
there are more girls that will make you happy just don’t dread on this one girl.
Couldn’t say it any better, Eagle.
I f-ing love all of you guys… I’m finally geting over my 2-year relationship. Thank you so much.
For some reason though.. I have been having sex with this other girl who absolutely is 100 times better than my e… but yet I never fantazise about her.. i keep fantasizing about my ex.. and this girl that i’m doing this with is just a bang buddy.. perhaps that’s the reason why it doesnt work as good. because there’s nothing in it just sex.. I need to forget both and get a new significant other.
Getting to know someone and falling for them, gives more in return than just sex.. se is just a bonus. what do you guys think? should i just ignore both of them and start fresh somewhere else? after all my feelings for my ex are starting to deplete completely.
this has helped me alot! I was with this girl that I thought I was going to marry in a few months!! She met a guy at the mall, she dumped me, and I still have the engagement ring I was going to give her… That was the saddest day of my life…
I would like to thank Alex and all the guys and girls who have left comments. I split up with my Ex a few weeks ago. I sent Alex an e-mail and he gave me some good advice. I also spent time reading some archives and it cheered me up a lot!
I still think about my last girlfriend a lot and I have found out while us where on a break she had met someone else. It was two weeks later than the split up for good. I felt so bad. I got myself so worked up I was sick a few times and even stopped eating for a week.
Over time I feel I am getting better and don’t blame myself as I had done nothing wrong. When I am alone (before going to bed and of a morning) all I do is think about her and make up silly scenarios in my head of what I would say if I seen her. That gets me upset but I can’t help but think about her and what she may be doing with her new guy. I would love nothing more than to do some serious damage to them both (joke).
So all I can say to anybody who is feeling like the world has come to an end, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You need to keep busy, go out drinking with friends, and find a girl who you have a flirt with. Whatever you do, don’t sit alone that’s when your mind will wonder and get you upset again.
Jay,
I totally feel you on this one. Stay busy and active. Try not to let you mind wonder off. It will drive you insane.
Sergio, when i look back it seems at thow i was insane to have even got that emotional about it all.
My parents are going away this weekend, I have invited a few people to my home for a few beers, once of which i am interested in. Good luckin girl in deed. All I have to do now is put my new found skills to the test.
Wish me luck!
Alex, have you not thought about adding a forum to this website? or would that defeat the whole point of this blog?
Jay
Good plan Jay, a new girl makes everything better! It will make you completely forget about your ex, and i find is the best way to move on.
Good luck with it!
Eagle, I hope it does. It feels like this pain will never go away.
Jay,
I’ve felt the same, and thought i was the only person to feel how i did, but in fact everyone has seemed to feel that way at some point, and they have all seemed to turn out just fine.
This post has all the ‘rules’ about forgetting her, and trust me, they do work, and for this im truly grateful to this site, so cheers Alex, for sharing your wisdom with everyone, its bloody fantastic!
This weekend help you more than anything, friends, hot birds and a few beers will make your ex disappear from your mind, and just imagine if she could see you enjoying life without her!
Just enjoy yourself mate, remember there’s no one there to nag you after what you’ve done!
Things will get better, i know.
I have been dumped 6 weeks ago by my girlfriend of 7 years and am finding it really hard to cope with, she was my first love . We are both 27 and I went to school with her, I always liked her in school altough she didnt know at the time. So anyway we left school and didnt see each other for years then i bumped into her in a club and we both really fell for each other, we both thought it was forever for the first 5 years or more. We stated living together and things were great for a while. After a bit we started started to drift apart a little. Altough we both still loved each other. Then in November last year I was looking on her myspace page and noticed a couple of guys that lived hundreds of miles away that i didnt know so i asked her who they were, she said she didnt know they just added her as a friend and she accepted them. Then a week later i went on the computer while she was at work and she hadnt logged off, so i had a look in her e mail box and turned out she had contacted them first althoufg it was all fairly innocent waht the had been talking about. She said she was sorry and it would never happen again, she deleted her account and that was that. I started to pay her more attention, taking her out alot etc etc.
Then around Febuary time i started to suspicios again as she was very secretive with her mobile phone, always keeping it in her pocket and on silent etc. I didnt say anything about this.
Then at the end of March i came home from work and asked if i could use her phone to send a text, she gave it to me but looked very worried, when i looked in her inbox there was a message from some guy saying how horny he was feeling, could she send him a picture!! I went nuts and called her all the names under the sun, she was crying and said she was sorry, she loved me, wanted us to stay together etc. I thought about it for a couple days, not sure if i could deal with it or not but decided i could. Things were ok for a couple weeks, but then she went very quiet and distant, i asked her what was wrong and she said she needed space to think about what she wanted. I went to stay with my parents in this time i realised how much i miss her and wanted her. She was unsure she said. We had very little contact in this time. Until one night she text me saying she missed and loved me. I went straight round to see her at we hugged and kissed and one thing led to another, she said she wanted me back. I was so happy and so was she. The next morning we both were at work and she called and said how great everything was. BUT.. when i got home that night she was in tears saying she was having doubts again, i was heartbroken all over again. I went back to my parents and then a couple days later she said it was really over. I made the classic mistake of crying, begging her etc for a while, she just kept saying no. So i moved most of my stuff out. A cuple weeks ago i found out she was out partying all night, i started thinking she had slept with someone else which made me furious so i went round and gave her a mouthful she said she hadnt but that she started talking to guys on the net again, which really hurt me to know she was doing it again. I am finding this really hard to cope with. I found myself checing all her friends myspace pages to see what she had been upto, and looking all the time to see if she was on messenger etc. I have since stopped all of this as i realise i am only torturing myself.
Some times i can be really positive, i have booked a holiday for a couple weeks to stay with friends abroad and when i focus on that it makes me feel good but other times i miss her really bad and it hurts. I love going traveling and spent time in Australia although she wasnt bothered either way saying she wanted to start settling down. I am now thinking of going traveling again which feels good but then at times i still cant accept its over! I was a very confident outgoing person until all of this but it has knocked my confidence somewhat. Sorry for such a long post, just wanted to know what you guys think (if you can be bothered to read it all) as reading some of your posts lastnight really helped me. Cheers guys
DJD –
I know exactly what you are going through. I was with her for six and a half years.
I found out my ex girlfriend had a new guy from the wonderful world of Facebook. I also asked her about it and she lied to me, not knowing what I had seen. I had never felt pain like it. So like you I found myself reading all her friends pages and seeing if she was on the net. I believe that I may have developed some sort of obsession.
I think you taking some time out to visit friends will be a brilliant idea! If only I had friends to visit! Keeping busy is the key and you never know, you may meet somebody new.
Jay
Cheers Jay, sorry to hear of your pain mate. Hope things are getting better for you now.
A lot of good comes from the internet but alot of bad too.
Saying that im so glad i found this site, its helped alot.
Going to recharge my batterys on holiday, get a tan etc. Then come back and try to show her that my life is better without
her even if that aint the case.
DJD
DJD –
Just hang in there, things will get better. Things are starting to get better for me even though at first I thought I would never get over it.
As long as you know you’re not the only one going through this.
DJD,
Mate she seems to be flirting with other guys, my ex did this, she even arranged to go out for drinks with some guy who just asked for her number at work, now they’re shagging, but she ‘doesn’t want to be in a relationship with him because she’s not ready’ (she phoned me just to tell me this!) and it does hurt a lot at first, imagining your ex doing stuff with others guys, but you can move on and it does take time, but eventually you’ll feel so much better without her.
Whilst you’re on holiday, just chat to other girls, there are bound to be plenty who you get on with even better than her (i though there was no one, but i was so wrong!) Being with your mates will be awesome too as you can finally do whatever you want with no questions asked, and no regrets.
Trust me, things get so much better, and this site helps more than anything (cheers alex!)
DJD,
I read your post and I couldn’t believe how similar your situation is to mine. It is tough. I broke up with my girlfriend two months ago and I still feel down and depressed at times. However, I am MUCH better than I was two months ago. This site does really help and all the posts from different people are a great source for recovery. I’m really trying to be strong mentally. I truly believe that things happen for a reason. My relationship with my ex was very stressful but I loved her. Now, I’m stress free and I could focus on other things. There is one problem. My ex calls me from time to time. She wants to remain friends but I can’t do that. My feelings for her are too strong and one day she might meet someone and I don’t think I will be able to handle that. I do so much better when I don’t hear from her because I don’t know what she’s doing or who she’s with but then she calls and tells me about her going out and I get down all over again. I think I’m going to tell her to not call me again. Or maybe I just won’t pick up. I guess I’m just kind of venting. Things will get better.
yea girls tend to that, call to let u know that they’re goin out and having a great time, but think about it for a second, why would she be calling u just to tell u that, if she’s having a blast then u should be the last person she cares to call….. I’m telling u man, girls like to play mind games, I don’t wana say this cause then ill b giving u hope, but she probably wants u back!! now that doesn’t mean u should go running to her like a little boy!! hold ur ground!! next time she calls explain to her that ur not interested in hearing about her social lifestyle, make it clear and don’t argue…. she’s probably gonna lay off for a few days then she’s gonna call, don’t pick up her phone call in the beggining, trust me shell call back!! shell call back a lot more times after seeing u meant what u said…. payback is a bitch!! lol, now from there u got the ball in ur court and if u wana get back wit her then just play ur cards right, if not then ur in the right path of moving on… remember that u should always demonstrate that ur in a peace state of mind, that’s what drives them crazy… that’s why they play these mind games so that u can go crazy!! that’s why she’s calling u to share her new lifestyle…. goodluck dude
A quick update, had to go and get the rest of my stuff from the house yesterday, so she text me to ask what time i would be coming, so i said around 5 pm. She text back and said she probably wont be in then but would leave a key for me to get in hidden, she said she may be back before i had finished unless i didnt want to see her. I text her back to say i wasnt bothered if i saw her or not, makes no difference to me. So i left it until half 5, when i got there she was still there, i just said hi and started to move my stuff, she kept asking me how i was. I put on a really good act as if nothing was bothering me, told her i was fine etc She kept staring at me, looking sad, i just ignored this. So today she text me twice some pointless shit about clearing stuff from the garage, i kept the act up, just being polite but straight to the point. I dont know if i am reading into things too much and dont wanna get my hopes up, because all this has only happened in the last 24 hours and i know how quickly things can change, but i do feel a little confused now.
Thanks for all your comments guys, they are really helping and thanks to Alex for all the good work.
ur doin a great job djd!! if only we were all diciplined like u…. remember being in a peacefull state of mind we can exceed all expectation…its a win win situation. ur in cause if u wana work things out then by u acting soo cool she’s gona practcally be begging to come back… or if it wasn’t meant tobe then atleast ur last impression was of a real man not letting ur real feelings show, women don’t like men acting like little bitches!! this is why I’m telling you all to try to handle ur break up in a cool and professional way!!! this will drive the girls crazy unless ofcourse she wants notin to do with u but if that’s the case then aleast ur last impression is of a real man!!! do ya understand me??
Thanks Leon, i am hardly disciplined though, spent weeks crying and begging her. I think it may have pushed her to far away.
Time will tell i guess though. You are right, its the right way to handle things, just wish i had done it this way from the start.
Cheers man.
Hi All,
Many thanks for all your candid responses about your feelings on this site, its not often us guys can do that and reading all this is really helping. Just to explain I split up from my girlfriend of 5 months about 3 days ago, it was really wierd as before that had been in a 5 year relationship and when that ended I wasn’t too bothered to be honest but it was such an intense 5 months with this girl that when we broke up i seemed to take it really badly. I wanted to cry but for some reason the tears just couldn’t come out, even today 4 days on I haven’t eaten anything other than a bowl of soup. Think the whole thing boiled down to the fact I was really attracted to this girl and when we first got together she was so forward about her feelings towards me that i totally fell for her as hadn’t ever felt that loved so early on by someone before, she kept telling me how perfect I was and how much everyone else thought so too so I really bought into the trap. Having said that a couple of months in I started to notice her blowing hot and cold on me all the time but by that time it was too late for me as had already moved 200 miles away to live near her, when my dad asked me how I really felt about her i said to him “i really like her but i’m not totally sure i can trust her with my heart” she talked about marriage and kids and all the stuff which would normally turn me off but for some reason with this lady it just made me want her more. Then about 10 days ago she just stopped hugging me as much and was only affectionate when heavily drinking (she drinks every night just some more heavily than others) and we went from having sex every day for 5 months to having it once that week. She then told me she felt like it had all been too much too soon but she was the one who was soo keen for me to move closer to her and left me with no friends just round the corner etc so she wanted to call it off. This leaves me in a very lonely space in a place where I have no real friends and so today I made the cardinal mistake of giving her a call and saying “maybe we could just start from the beginning again and see how things go” meaning going out on a date every couple of weeks she agreed. All my friends who I have spoken to on the phone think this is a terrible idea and if I am honest with myself I think it is too as it will just make things harder for me in the long term and it would seem that I am completely her bitch to do whatever she wants with. I really wish I hadn’t made the call and I could have been stronger but in the short term it has made me feel a little better even though I know I am letting myself in for more pain in the longer term. Thanks for reading this thread and giving me the opportunity to vent, if anyone has any suggestions as to how I can sort this situation out with my pride and self respect still in tact then I would love to hear from you.
DJD –
Good work! I think you done the right thing. Let her chase you if she wants you back, then see how you feel.
KLO –
I don’t know if you have read any of my previous comments, like you stopped eating for a week, was sick many times and generally felt ill.
Some tips…
1. Keeping busy – Go out with friends, go out with family.
2. Whatever you do don’t sit on your own and sulk.
3. In time u will look back and think “what the hell was I doing”.
4. Closure – You will always have feelings for her, that can’t be helped but what you have to do is find closure within. My closure was meeting a new girl.
5. Read Alex’s blogs, they have some really good advice.
Jay ;)
Hey guys…
Well me and my ex broke up about two weeks ago, and had some talks the week following our break up. however, she quickly found someone and her attitude completely changed towards me and she began to ignore me and push me out of her life. For the seven months we were together, it was almost like everything was perfect and she fit everything i look for into a girl. Thats the person i can’t let go and to this day it truly hurts to think about all of the good times me and her had together. Also, it seems as if everything reminds me of her; music, places i go, just random stuff… its hard to get my mind off of her, no matter what i do, however things are geting a little bit better..we still talk a little bit, i’m wondering if i should just end all contact with her for now???. any advice guys??? :(
Gary –
If she has found a new guy then I think you need to move on. The worst thing you can do is hang around and wait for her to call you. You need closure.
Read some the previous comments if you haven’t already, they contain a lot of help.
Gary,
I’m finding out the hard way that it’s best to end all contact. It’s been two months since the break up and she’s the one who calls still. I don’t call her but I do pick up the phone and she’ll either ask for a favor or just call to see what I’m up too. I’m so good when I don’t hear from her but then she calls and I’m back at square one. I can’t seem to get over her and if the contact continues, I never will. It’s hard but it’s something that I have to do and so do you. I’ve tried a couple times asking her not to call me but she gets mad and says she’s going to call anyway. So the only thing left to do is not pick up. It’s going to be really tough but that’s the only way she’ll know I’m serious.
Yeh just end all contact, its the best way and allows you to move on without her having her hooks in you. It will be hard but its definately worth it.
Jay,
Thanks mate, i think i done the right thing. Althogh I am worried that she will meet up with one of these guys she been talking to on the net but nothing i can do about that so if she does will just have to worry about that when it happens. At least it will give me complete closure i suppose.
Thanks once again for all your comments., have read all your problems and i feel for you all, just not the right person to be giving advice at the moment!
I found this site today and some of the stuff I’ve read here I can relate to perfectly. My girfriend of 2 years dumped me a little over a week ago. It was hard, because she threw that at me all of a sudden. There was no forewarning that anything like that would happen. Worst of all, I hadn’t seen her for a few days and she dumped me on AIM. I can’t believe that she didn’t have the courage to explain to me in person what she was feeling and that she didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore. So, ever since I’ve been thinking about how that whole thing happened. I’ve tried hanging out with friends and I joined the gym and have started going, but something still seems to be missing. I realized that I don’t really have many female friends, and I was just trying to think of some ways to go about meeting girls. I have been out of the “game” for a little over a couple of years now, so I don’t even know where to start.
Andrew –
I feel for you. The way she handled the break-up was not the best! I think Alex needs to do a blog for women on how to end a relationship. It seems to me that have no tact.
I think you are doing the right things by keeping busy and joining a gym. I am considering joining the gym.
I am 21 and have been out the “game” for 6 1/2 years I don’t know what to do on dates or how to chat a girl up. Thanks where Alex and the guys here help by answering questions and giving great advice.
Sergio and Eagle-
yeah i have been reading through many of the comments left on this topic, and its amazing how i am able to relate to all of you guys, and the advice i am getting is really helpful im not going to lie. I am starting to feel better now, i finally have an appetite, and have finally started getting sleep again, so i guess thats a step forward in the right direction. I’m going to tell the ex that i don’t want to talk anymore, i hope that will also help the healing process… thanks again for your help guys!
Wow, you guys have no idea how much just reading these posts have helped. I broke up with my first serious girl friend of 2 years about 2 weeks ago. I definitely agree with:
1. Not calling her… I did so two times, and I have regretted both times.
2. Working out, running, etc
3. Friends/Life/the works
However, I am in a touchy situation… you see she has my prison break season 1 season 2 (amazing show)… and I’m not quite sure how to handle getting them back. Initially, along with my dream of winning back my x, I envisioned using these dvds as a way/excuse to see her… but now I don’t want to risk all of the “recovery” that I have gone through these last few weeks by seeing her and maybe re-opening wounds. At the same time, I don’t want to be rude for my last time seeing her, so I really don’t know how to handle this.
Thanks so much
scott, i would forget about the DVD mate, is it really worth causing yourself all that confusion and heartache for something you just go and buy again? I think not. I have to go and clear the garage out from my ex place on friday and i am dreading it to be honest. Just going to try and make out like everything is peachy in my life to her again, see how that goes.
Scott –
Dont get the DVD’s. It pain will start over again.
DJD –
Can’t you go clear the garage when she is out? That would be a better idea. Even tell her you would rather go round when she is out.
Yeah, I would forget about the DVD’s too. My ex has a few of my belongings and I have no intention on asking for them. She called me yesterday and like a fool I picked up. I don’t know why but I asked her if she ever thought about getting back with me…big mistake. She said she just needed to be on her own right now and finish school. She said she had too many things on her plate. I’ll be honest, it hurt to hear that but it was completely my fault. I will ignore her phone calls for now.
Jay, i was thinking of doing that, would still have to pick the key up off her. I was hoping to just act cool again, thought it may work in my favour. ? Also she dont know i am going on holiday in 9 days, didnt know weather to send her a text from the airport just something like hi, going on holiday for a couple weeks, maybe see you when i get home. Or weather to just leave it and see if one of our mutual friends tells her. What do you lot reckon?!
Alex,
Thanks a million for the article, it was almost instantently therapeutic.
Carl from March,
Your post reaches out and slaps me across the face. Thanks for the wakeup call.
To the rest of postees,
Anybody who says the World Wide Web does more bad than good is full of shit (except Facebook and Myspace which are nothing but problems waiting to happen).
I thought I should share my story since so many other people’s story has helped me.
I use to work with this girl who crossed my path several times, years later at college. Once at a bar, then a year later I saw her on Yahoo personals and almost bought the gay subscription to talk to her. Several weeks later, I ran into her at the college library and we hit it off. Seemed like a matchmade perfect. We went on our first date on Wednesday and went camping the same weekend. We dated for almost a year and went on several trips togather. Times were almost always grand until we did the long distance relationship in which I cheated on her (its hard to go from sex everyday to sex once a week). Due to a huge concience, I came clean and told her. After many weeks, things began to get back to normal. Then I moved into this really cool house when I got back in town, I dumped her to enjoy my senior college year. We remained friends and kept having the great sex. While we were both seeing other people, she met a so-called ex-professional sport player (no record exist of the one game) who like to brag about his meesly $400,000 bank account. Even graduating in the top five in my engineering program and pulling one of the highest starting salaries of my class. I was and am so depressed I almost ruined graduation and my job. I began drinking profusely and smoking large quanities of marijuana. After graduation I moved home and got even more depressed since my best friend has been at boot camp and training since this stuff started. Yesturday, I finally hit rock bottom calling her like a F##Kn pyscho and leaving her some really nasty messages. I even called the dude to try to ruin what they had, but I only left him a message to call me (in-which he did later that evening). I think that was mostly the alcohol talking. I wish I would have found this site earlier, I could have been enjoying life. All I needed was a little closure so I can move on and make double what that deutsch makes at YMCA (the world needs P.E teachers).
Alcohol and Pot are the WORST ways to handle the matter. Stay away especially if it was a past time you shared togather!
Guys,
I’m so tired of feeling this way and I’m tired of thinking of her. It feels like we just broke up yesterday. Just the thought of her being with someone else kills me. My ex is a beautiful girl and she gets hit on all the time. However, I’m feeling like this because I know what she’s up too and I still talk to her. I know I shouldn’t answer her phone calls but I just feel bad and I think about what if she has a flat tire or is in some kind of trouble..I just don’t know..I need some positive feedback.
Sergio-
I know exactly how you feel. Shortly after i found out my ex was talking to a new guy, i was feeling like complete shit, all of the time. But i realized that by trying to keep tabs on her and the guy and whatever she is up to, it just made my hurt much worse and prolonged it. A few days ago i wrote a post asking whether or not i should end all contact with my ex. I listened to advice given and trust me, i already am feeling better. I told her i didn’t want to talk to her anymore, and deleted her off my friends list on facebook (i know, it sounds pathetic but it helps)… when ever i would look at her facebook or talk to her, it just brought all of the hurt back at once… About a week ago i felt more depressed than i ever have in my entire life because of the break-up with my ex. But just by reading the posts on here and Alex’s article, it really helps to relate what I am going through to what others are or have went through. So just hang in there Sergio, and try your best to end contact with her, its going to hurt like hell at first, but you will start feeling much better soon thereafter. Trust me, about a week ago i was going through exactly what you are, and i am now starting to feel better, thanks much to this website…
thanks guys… these are 2 full seasons though… worth about $100 which is a s*** load (I’m a poor college kid)… i might pull the d*** move and just have one of my friends who happens to be a girl pick them up for me.
I do see your point. Thanks for the speedy and honest reply. This is a very active blog.
To: J
I definitely identify with you. Pot and alcohol are probably the worst ways to deal with this. Plus… its not fun knowing that you (or in my case me) just blew 150$ on those two items… only to get find a week later that it still hurts.
To: Sergio
My gf dumped me for another guy… who she had been seeing one on one (b*****) for about half of the time we were dating. When i would get jealous she would tell me that there was nothing to be jealous about. Then about 2-3 weeks before we broke up she said “you know you’re right i shouldn’t hang out with him anymore.” Then the breakup. Then i made the worst mistake of “catching up” with her after 2 weeks of not talking. She told me that she was friends +more with him again. This btw is me not only venting but also saying that i relate to you.
So my advice for you is to realize that both you and her are moving on to other people. Keeping tabs on her only makes you realize the painful truth that she is also moving on. The best solution to help with this pain is to not contact her. I actually changed her phone number contact name to http://www.justkeepthechange.com so i remember that it just is simply to painful to try to catch up.
About the flat tire comment, I wouldn’t be to concerned about not answering her phone call if she is in need. Hopefully she has other friends who can help her, and if it is really an emergency, she would leave message and you would be able to listen to it and see if it was absolutely necessary to contact her.
To: DJD (double post cause by helping people I help myself… yes i am a selfish bas**rd )
I can only imagine all of the pain you have gone through, I’ve been struggling a lot with breaking up with a 2yr gf, your 7 yr gf must be absolute torture for you.
DJD I think that you need to realize that you are going to end up torturing yourself if you don’t seek certainty or closure. Going back and forth between: well she is flirting with me so there is a chance and well its time to get over her will drive you insane. While its way easier said then done you need to confront her and say something like:
“you are giving me mixed messages. I need to know whether or not to move on. I can not tolerate you toying with my emotions by giving me false hopes. Do you still want to date or do you not?”
Say you are giving her only 1 day to think about it and that you will call her at a given time. Then pick up your stuff from the garage and leave.
If she says yes she still will date you, thats great. If not, then there are no more mixed messages, you don’t have to worry about texting her at the airport. With time you might even be able to go back to being friends… but just keep the mindset what happens happens, and don’t be afraid to move on.
DJD I hope this helps. Like I said before, if this was as easy to do as it was to say then chances are that I wouldn’t also be asking for help as well on this blog.
:D gl
P.S. if you or anyone else her wants to talk more I will gladly give out myspace/facebook. Honestly, I love helping people.
Just don’t be pervs or psychos
Well, I feel a whole lot better today. You guys will be happy to know that I have written a letter to my ex and left it in her mailbox stating to not contact me anymore. I feel pretty good about it. She hasn’t tried calling but if she does I will ignore it. Thanks guys.
She’s called twice today and I didn’t pick up. I feel kind of bad but I know it’s the right thing to do.
thats good to hear man… im glad you’re starting to feel better.. trust me with every day you will start to feel better as you distance yourself from her
Oh and Scott… that is a brilliant idea of switching the name of your ex to justkeepthechange.com, so i followed suit and did the same thing haha
J –
As you have found out it’s a bad move to make contact. I hope you find your closure soon, you will feel 100000000 times better (As long as you stay away from facebook!).
Sergio –
I think you have done the right thing. Speaking to her will only screw you up even more. Damn sometimes I wish she would ring me but it will bring all the emotions back.
Scott –
Sending another girl round to get the DVDs may look to be petty. The last thing you want it to burn bridges.
I am going to change her contact name to http://www.KeepTheChange.com. I really like that idea! I keep seeing her name on my mobile/cell phone and that distracts me as i start thinking about her. If you want you can add me to Facebook, only thing is not too keen giving out my personal information that everyone can see.
Gary –
Do you look back and think ‘What the hell was i doing getting so upset’? I do every day (Except to day)
On a personal note –
I have felt pretty bad today. I went to a local Theme Park with friends. As soon as I got to the theme park it reminded me of a time when I stayed in the local hotel and went to the theme park. It was one out best times together! It brought back all the memories so all I could think about was her and the good times we had.
I wish I could just go to her home right now and give her a big hug kiss and we will get back together, but I have to move on.
Good point with the DVD’s J
J or anyone else if you want to talk just email me at this throw away account, and I will give you my facebook or real account.
ilackcreativitysostfu@yahoo.com
Jay-
yeah i do look back at the times that i was beyond upset and wonder how i could let myself get so down, and im much happier now than i was now that i have pushed her completely out of my life… Also, I know exactly how you feel with the Theme Park thing, I’ve been to a few places since the break up and i just get completely upset and sad, and the same thing happens when i hear music of her favorite bands, it just triggers all of the good memories i had with her. I know how it feels and it sucks.
Scott –
I have e-mailed you my name, add me on facebook and MSN messenger!
I asked a girl out on a date (I finnaly grew a pair of balls) i was thinking of taking her the local zoo. I thought it would be a good place tog o as we could talk and have a bit of fun. What do you guys think?
I haven’t talked to my ex in three days. She called a couple times but I didn’t answer. I’m not going to lie, I do miss her and I’m starting to think about her again but mentally I’m stronger now and I’m not going to give in.
Jay- the zoo sounds like a cool place to take her. Make sure it’s not too hot though. Women and heat don’t mix well.
Sergio –
give it a week, might be the longest ever week but you will get over her(again). U just gota keep your cool and don’t give in to any temptations!
I havent asked her if thats ok, i shall ask her tomorrow.
My gf and I just broke up two days ago and I think it’s for real this time, 2 years :? :( … but she was a virgin before me and the thought of another guy having sex with her kills me :( she never cheated on me and I loved her, but I don’t know how to get over her and how to deal with it when i find out shes sleeping with another guy… please help :( :( i’m depressed over this stupid love stuff
Bryan,
I know the feeling (the thought of her sleeping with someone else) all too well. That was my biggest obstacle. I finally just had to accept it and realize that one day she will/might be with someone else but… YOU will too. Sex is just physical. It’s the emotional part that matters. Right now, just try not to think about it and don’t let those thoughts come in your head. You have to learn to just accept it. There are thousands of girls out there waiting to meet you. Alex said it best “she is JUST a girl”.
Sergio, thanks… Now I’m stuck in another predicament… AHH!! i don’t know how to handle all of this… Ok, so we broke up last week, but we were supposed to be going to Europe together in 2 weeks for my graduation with my family… the breakup was rough and at first the thought of Europe was gone… but now she is still going, and I’m glad she is because we have both been looking forward to it for about 8 months… but I still love this girl, and I would love to continue a relationship, but all she wants is to be friends… also, I know i shouldnt have done this, but i got into her myspace and read a message she had with another guy last week while we were together, and she sent him a picture of her ass.. now I consider that cheating, but I don’t want to confront her for it because I snuck onto her myspace to find out…. I know i know, i’m really messed up…. i am so lost :(
Bryan you should just de-invite her. Read every reply here, all 90ish of them. They help.
Please realize that your girlfriend probably does not want to get back with you if she is showing her ass online to another guy and that you should not feel obligated to take her to Europe. All that this would do is make your graduation “shittier” and not bring you closure
My story relates a lot to yours. My ex broke up with me a week before Prom. She had even bought a $500 dress for it. I told her that I wasn’t taking her to Prom, simply because it would not be fun and would not bring us closure. We were both looking forward to Prom, but… shit happens.
I would leave her in the dust, sending a picture of her ass to another guy days after you guys broke up? No offense but she is not worth the pain.
P.S.
Every guy hates to think of their ex sleeping with another person.
Why are you guys still talking with your exes when thats clearly stopping you from getting closure and moving on?
Observe the NO CONTACT RULE and stop letting them f**k with your heads.
i was listening to No Woman, No Cry by bob marley today and i thought it was pretty fitting to what i have been going through and what some of you other guys are going through, so you guys should listen to it, it helps me lol
Hi guys, my ex told me about 4 weeks ago after we had a bit of a fight that she didnt think she was happy anymore and she was confused and didnt know what she wanted anymore and she didnt even know if it was me that it was her, i got really mixed up by this, she wanted to meet later that nite so i went to hers and was as nice as i could be, i told her i was sorry for being grumpy with her etc, anyway it ended up with tears and she said that she thought it may be best to end it, i pleaded with her to rethink it and said we could work it out, she told me she would sleep on it, and contact me the next day! like a fool the next morning I wrote her a letter telling her my feelings for her and a plead for another chance, i then sent her 24 red roses and 2 concert tickets for her and 1 of her female friends, she sent me a txt to thank me for the gifts etc and seemed really nice to me, she said she still didnt know what she wanted at the moment and she just want a few days to think, a few days later she called over to my house to talk, it was as though she was just a friend when she came over she said again that she still didnt know what to do and wasnt my fault, i said to her lets go out some evening and have fun cause we hadnt been out in a while with her exams etc so she gave in to me and the next week we met up went to crazy golf and went bowling it was fun we laughed and played about, at the end of the evening she said that it seemed like we had gone out as friends and it hadnt helped her make up her mind we talked more, i mentiond moving to a different county and she started to cry and said it seemed like i was wanting her out of the picture, i was confused cause she was breaking up with me, after that nite, the next day we txt and she told me that she cared for me but needed time and space for her, i had an operation planed before the split, that hurt me that she would bring this all up before i surgery, i went in anyway i was sitin in the hospital after the operation and i had no pain from the wound i wasnt even thinking about it all i could thnk about was my girl, a couple of days later she txt me and said she was coming to see me in the hospital to see i was ok but under no circumstance to get my hopes up, when she arrived she looked great she seemed to have put more efort it than usual, she told me how she was havin a good week and was goin to some party, how good things where for her, this time i played it cool and said i was glad things where goin well and her exams etc, just talked like friends, when she was leaving she said she would hear from me at some stage, i sent her a txt that nite to thank her for the visit she ignored it, over a week went past and i got out of hospital but she never contacted me not even to see if i was ok as far as she knew i was still in hospital, i gave in to temptation and txt her the next day she replyed to say she was fine, hoped i was feelng better and that she knew now for sure she had made the rite choice ending the relationship, i began to hurt as bad as i did when she 1st mentioned the break up, this last 4 weeks has been torture for me not knowing if it was over or not, giving myself false hope then getin knocked back down, i cant get her out of my mind i miss her so bad i went on her bebo page and saw she is going out with friends etc and i wasnt part of it i have been moved from her top frinds list to like he 37th friend, i keep thinking of all the time we had together, all the places we went, xmas new year, birthdays, valintines, etc, she was such a sweetheart my family loved her to we had lots in common, nice looks and great personality, we even had a similer circle of friends who ive also lost, i thought she was the one,i pictured us having a future together, i have never met a girl as caring and sweet as her before, she stood by me at times when other people didnt, and i dont know if there could posably be another girl like that out there, i just am tearing myself to pieces at the moment over her, i only think of the good things/times i cant even think about the times she pissed me off, all i can think that my girl is not with me anymore, i miss her shes probably having fun without me and i dont think she really cares whether im hurt or not, its as though i dnt exist to her, great blog sorry for being so long!
Well im never going to stay loyal to another girl again its just a waste they’re all just going to end up braking your heart in the end anyway so no more mr.loyal man for me im just goin to go out and FUCK all the girls i can and never get in a serious relationship again cuz its not worth it.
Chris,
You gotta let her go and give her some space. I know it hurts and the situation sucks but I know what I’m telling you. I’ve been there. I begged and pleaded and still ended up losing her.
Mike,
I understand how you could feel this way, I felt like that at one point. However, there ARE nice girls out there that are worth it.
Lads, seriously make sure you dont have any free time, ive had a lot recently and i went back to as if everythings just finished, i couldn’t stop thinking of her and wishing how i could have done things differently, and thinking that we were the the best thing ever. I was right back to basics, even though i knew i was over her. Its weird how a first love can break you all the way back down, all the hard yards i’d managed to make after her had turned to a pile of shit and i wanted her back although she is completely wrong for me!
It really really helps to remember the bad times, get rid of everything that reminded you of her (i admit i made that mistake and didn’t, i clung on to a few photos)
Just re-reading this post helps so bloody much, and stick to what it says, especially no love songs you shared (that plus the photos reduced me to a crying wreck!)
Chris, its going to be seriously hard for you mate, she is acting like a complete bitch, and she seems not to care for you despite everything, and just wants the pathetic self confidence that someone wants her, so really really follow the tips Alex gave and move on, they have been the best advice anyone has given, but make sure you follow them completely, or you’ll have a relapse like i had today, and it is seriously shite!
Im wrote this as my feelings came, so just to say im no longer emotionally all over the shop, im more focussed on getting over her forever as i said in an earlier post, she doesn’t fucking care about it, and i dont want to give her the satisfaction of her knowing she has some control over me.
The best thing i have learnt from all this is that there is ALWAYS someone out there better for you than she was, you just have to find her!
Also Brian, your ex WILL sleep with other people, and it hurts so much to think of, it still haunts me and gives me nighmares, but remember, you also will also sleep with other people, it may take time, but shagging another girl will help so much, its very cliched but rebounds help more than anything, so get involved with another bird (dont jump into another relationship!)and it will completely take your mind off her.
Good luck mate.
Sorry to post yet again, but listen to sell out, by reel big fish, it gives you a great mentality, not quite so sure about by the no woman no cry by bob marley, but any song that helps is awesome!
Hi guys,
I have been reading your posts and really get some comfort by reading them. Im not alone with my feelings and you all give me the vision about being more happy than ever once I work myself through this break up.
I am a creative and very social guy. I usually give my gf alot of love and have no problem with get as much as I give into it.
But… I got depressed, you know that thing that happens after 2-3yrs in a relationship. You stop solving problems and give each other love. Your partner is just there for comfort but you cant really feel the love thingy besides the need for close contact.
In my case it got my girlfriend angry, cranky and irritated over all I did. Instead of complimate my efforts she saw what I didnt do and told me that.
It broke me down. I lost my confidence and no matter how much I tried we could not get it right.
I know a big part of the problem in these cases are that we dont communicate the right way about our needs and expectations but it is so hard to change that once you are in that down going spiral.
Well, my stress level rised and I started to give up on her and me making us happy (typical man thingy to think he should make the couple happy). I started to play wow (fuck that shit) and disconnect from the problems in the real world.
It went so far that I broke up with my gf. She cried and screamed for a week but that week I just felt the pressure flow away and my ambitions and dreams come back.
When I was back on my feet with what i wanted from life and myself she was gone mentally.
I tried to explain my behavior and reasons why. I have tried to show how I WILL change into that attractive person I know I am and she once fell in love with. But she cant trust me after watching me on the way down.
Right now im on the way back. I have asked my ex (see :), I referr to her as an ex) if she will give us one more chance two times now. The answer is dual.
She dont want to take the risk or jump into something, and I dont blame her.
To me it doesnt matter all the world, she is a terrific girl and possible-future-wife but so is the next girl.
But now I want to show myself and her that I can change and be that man once again.
We said that we will try to be friends and thats ok with me. She cant remember our good times atm which makes me sad but I remember us laughing and being relaxed with each other. Maybe our relationship wasnt meant for love at all since we havent had the best sex or incredible passion. But I think we can be very good friends.
1st week i was relieved
early 2nd week i was in panic and lonely
late 2nd week i was thinking and solving
3rd week I am going confident and determined
My worst nightmare is not that she will see someone new or have sex. My nightmare is to loose her as friend.
I hope that she will open up and enjoy spending time with me.
And btw, we still live together and do stuff, cry and talk. Someone lecture me about not closing up and disconnect pls.
When we move out I will feel sad again but hopefully we are friends by then.
About that down going spiral. Since I dont want to be there again I have read alot of forums and a book about why it happens and how to break it. And I KNOW that I will make it work next time.
Next time is for marriage and kids for me :).
(And btw, i have ditched my computer wich I played wow on)
A tip for you that feel like shit now. Read this and other forums. Over and over again. You will finally believe that you are just in that phase atm. Best thing is that you will see what will come next.
My best tip is to write down what you want to improve. Learn it and commit to it for your own personal benefit and no one elses. Make it a goal with your life and DO IT.
Right now I am getting more fit and more social for each day. Halleluja!!
One more thing, DO NOT LET YOUR EX PLAY TRICKS ON YOU. Whatever she did earlier to make you feel guilty or small she did for the reason that it worked for a short time. She got stuck into it as much as you. That crazed voodoo power has vanished now and look at it as just a pathetic try to control you.
Write a forum and show yourself that you go from panic/loneliness to one determined bad ass.
Tomorrow I will take full control of all my base!
hf/
David
Thanks all you guys that read my (long) blog, your comments really do help, I am feeling abit better about things, i went out today and got myself some good close etc, it is best to try and feel as good about yourself as you can, ive found myself wearing my most stylish cloths, my best aftershave etc going out in public and talking to everyone you can, i find this helps, at the start i found myself siting in my house in my pj’s growing a beard and feeling sorry for myself, that was bad. the problem is that alough i think she is out of my system she keeps sliping back in tomy mind usually in the morning or at nite, but even when i drive by some place we went together, a song on the radio, a band she liked, a tv program we watched together, everything brings back the memories, I do tend to forget about the bad memories though, like we had been plannig to go on holiday in sept but she canceled on me to go with her friend instead, She was the first girl i have ever been in love with, she was my first long term relationship and it was the same for her she had only dated a guy for a couple of weeks before me, she told me how much she loved me rite up to a couple of weeks before the break up, but told when she broke it off with me that she was putting on a brave face the last month of our relationship, this also hurt bad as during this time we had seemed to get on so good, I just keep wondering what shes doing or if shes going out or how her family are keeping, i just have to keep repeating to my self that its none of my business anymore, i should probably just go out and have fun with other girs as i am still young and didnt have the chance when i was with my ex as she was my first proper girlfrind, but its so lonely at the moment we where in contact everyday before this, she was not only my girlfriend and lover but she was also my best friend!!! I have just lost faith that there could be another girl as good as she was out there, this maybe makes me sound like a pussy but i went out today to try and interact with other girls but ive become really nervous around them now i have no idea how to even interact with girls anymore, ive forgoten how to get in the game, ive i could get back in the game this may help me to get her off my mind!
Chris mate, i can really relate to your story, ive felt the same as you, its hard to forget as there is a big gap where she used to be and nothing seems to fill it, and you find yourself always thinking of her during this time when you have nothing else to do.
Good for you for going out and meeting people, get a new interest it will help a lot, and just try and keep as busy as you can, go to the gym, go drinking with mates and just enjoy yourself, your game will come back to you!
You’ll soon learn there ARE other girls who are just as good, if not even better!
Stay strong.
Hey guys,
I have dated this girl for 2 years and have been on and off for 2 additional years. She was my first love and I was her first love. In the beginning, things were great, we loved each others company. I was knew to relationships so I admit that I used to mess up a lot. Like never pick up my phone, always late in picking her up from work,etc. We began to argue about small and petty things like that. One day she made out with her co-worker when she was drunk. And she told me about this. The one thing this girl did, was tell me everything even though it was bad. So we broke up but were still REALLY close. She started talking to this guy she knew in high school, and told me that they were just friends. She ended making out with him too and tells me about it. Me being so naive, I say its ok hoping that it would work out in the future between us. It doesnt stop there guys.
A year ago, were still in the same situation, off and on. And she starts talking to this other guy. This time she tells me that she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. She breaks up with me, and Im really sad. Within a week her and this other guy have sex, and he ends up just using her. He had a girlfriend which he just cheated on with my “ex.” And my “ex” knew he had a girlfriend too. So she starts calling me and telling me what happend all sad and stuff. And what do I do? I say that im there for you, and I’ll comfort you hoping in a way she will take me back.
So the beginning of this year, we agree “split up” for good, date other people and then come back. However, this never worked out because we were too close to each other. Recently she met this other guy and has been talking to him late hours of the night, almost every night. And again she says he’s just a friend.
Im at the point where i constantly check her phone, and i ask her but she gives a answer like “that was just a friendly conversation or text message.” We argue almost every week and its getting mind numbing to the point where I cant concentrate on my school work. I constantly think about what shes doing, who is she talking to, why hasnt she called me. Even though we are not a official couple but still pretty damn close
Honestly, I treat this girl like shes a queen. I do whatever she asks me to do. Im there for her whenever she needs me. All her friends see that I really care about her. My friends dont think she’s right for me and neither does some of my family members. Even some of her family members ask why do I put up with her shit. She honestly doesn’t respect me to the point where she should.
She keeps telling me how she loves me, and how were meant for each other, and how were both going to get married. And I fall for those lines, while she does what she is doing to me.
Honestly, it hurts me to think for her to be with another guy. Im not that big of a guy, shes the same height as me. She told me once that if she dates another guy, he will have to be tall, she doesn’t want to date another short guy.
I dunno what to do anymore, I think about her ALL the time. Its even harder because we go to the same college and in the same major, so we see each other a lot.
I keep hoping things will change and we’ll be happy again. Am I wrong to?
Sean, your in a very tricky situation, your emotions must be all over the place and i really feel for you.
As a general rule, your first love never lasts forever.
She is saying all this stuff, im sure most people here have heard it before, and it does make you much more emotionally bound to her… but if she keeps speaking to ‘friends’ as much as she does, and she keeps doing it although you’ve said that you really dont like it and it makes you feel uncomfortable about it then, although it will hurt big time, id try to move on, although your circumstances will obviously make this difficult.
To me it seems as she is taking you for granted, as someone who she can see when she likes and will always be there and is her ’safety net’ option – she will always have you to fall back on when something ‘better’ doesn’t work. Her behavious makes her seem a bit insecure – she needs someone in her life. Most importantly, its getting you down, which is not good for you. You need to put yourself first mate.
I did the same as she is doing to you to my ex, i cheated on her a couple of times, im greatly embarrassed and ashamed of this and wish i could turn back time, but ultimately it wouldnt work after i had done this as all the trust had gone, and you cant have a good solid relationship without trust.
She knows you love her unconditionally, which means she will be more inclined to do it again as she knows you will always get back together. The fact that you’re still together after all this shows that its strong, but it will never be the same, and my mum (!) and a lot of her friends who have all been through messy divorces have said that if you are really right for someone then cheating wont happen, so i really recommend ending it, it will save you a whole lot of pain in the future, and you wont wont fuck up your life because of her, and lates face it, its definately not worth screwing yourself up over one girl.
As for the her having sex with other people, for me this was one of the hardest things to overcome, im still not completely there, but as cliched as it sounds time is the greatest healer and you will meet someone better.
Good luck.
I agree with you totally Eagle, couldn’t have said it better myself.
Sean I empathize with you, I felt like my ex took me for granted too. Its painful, she “moved on” after 1 week… pisses me off, but I have to let go.
I don’t know you, but just from how obvious it is that you care for her I know that you are a good guy and deserve someone better.
My advice is to see her, talk to her, and think of her less every day. That puts you in a tough pickle with your major/college. I would try to just say a polite hi and get away.
Which is way harder to do then it is to say. One idea is to find a new hobby or just something to take your mind off of her. Something that I started doing was blogging to help other people though a break up.
http://relationshipshurt.blogspot.com/
if you care to look.
Sean,
I have one reflection that might help. It seems that she is giving you a bad confidence.
She tells you that you are not enough and that the next guy will be different from you. How crushing isnt that?
Does she complain about what you dont do?
She tells you that she wishes that you would be something else?
Do you feel that she compliments you for your efforts sometimes? (Like when you pick up her stuff or help her with something)
And wouldnt you like it if she could see those positive things more often?
If she dont give you that positive feedbáck and dont see your good sides, think about it.
Will you ever be able to make this (negative) girl happy?
Does she have an open mind so that she can see what you do for her and what is in front of her?
You seem (as me) to be a kind guy who is stuck with giving all of your love to someone that doesnt seem fit to be in a relationship.
She will despite what guy she sees or dates come back to that negative feeling about her partner if she doesnt change herself.
There are easy tricks for you to learn on how to show what feedback you need from her and also how she can show what makes her happy. The problem is that I dont think she realizes that she needs to change her approach for her own benefit.
The biggest reason for that is that she doesnt feel any loneliness (spelling) since you are always there for her. She dont reach that phase where she thinks about her own behavior and REALLY want to change it.
You are not responsible for making her 100% happy. She is responsible for 90% of that.
If you feel responsible for all her happiness, stop now. Give that huge cake of consideration and love to someone else. You will get so much more back.
Wish you best of luck.
Yeah well said David, i completely agree, she doesnt appreciate how much you’re putting into it, someone else will, and you will be much happier for it.
Sean-
You need to stop all contact with her. hanging on will only keep the pain. You need to decide if you realy want to get back with her, then ask her! fi you dont that you need to stop all contact.
Chris-
I feel for you man. Me and my girl finnished and i found out when we where on a break that she had met somone else. She lied about it and that broke my heart. I dont feel like i could ever trust another girl again.
I have went on my first date yesterday. I went the Zoo. It was a good fun day out. We held hands around the Zoo and went for a meal afterwards. It was rtealy nice and the girl is growing on me. The only thing that worries me is that i will get too attached. I dont want to break her heart and i dont want mine broken again. She realy nice and i like her alot but i dont know what to do. I am taking her out again next week and my partents are going away the following week so i might ask her over, see if she will sleep over at mine. i dont want get to get to into me and then i decide i want to take things slow. Any advice you guys could give would be cool.
hi all,
i have been reading these comments for over two weeks and they have helped greatly. I have written a huge story on my situation tonight and thought I dont need to send it.
Its very similar to the ones ive read before and the best thing i thought i can do is tell you whats working for me and what im thinking now after one month break up from a 3 year relationship. trust me – i feel she was the love of my life, soul mate and everything else.
i write my feelings in a book, dont read them again….but get them out on paper.
i feel alone, but know it will pass with time.
i want someone else to comfort me, but lets be honest i want to meet someone when im feeling better and generally out of this shit. It always helps having someone else to move on with(so they say)…..but dont go looking for it…..love will find you, in the mean time try falling in love with yourself and get to know who you are.(sounds odd, but once your happy with yourself, this attracts so many others – i mean how did you find your ex, being unhappy).
i am actually sick of talking about her or sayin her name – i didnt think i would of said that two weeks ago.
i think of her wen i wake up, wen i am at work, wen i go to bed…..but its not the same feeling as wen i was with her. if your ex meant something you are allowed to feel this, its healthy to feel like crap and think about them.but start thinking positive as to where your going now…..its hard to focus, so if you cant find a focus, do something that takes allot of effort and fills your time. these thoughts will pass – slowly but surely they will pass.
if not family, friends, if neither of them, find comfort in yourself and who you are(have a laugh with yourself, do something that you love doing)
it aint easy lads, your gonna feel like sh*te, but one day we’re all gonna get through this….. so find comfort in knowing one day all us blokes will have a girl(maybe even the one) and going to be able to smile again.
point is…..it takes time, but were not alone, not really…..try smiling, that helps, laugh even for the sake of it…….
thanks for all the comments, lifes one big journey – RIDE IT, ENJOY IT AND LIVE IT…..
Thanks guys for all your comments it really helped. Last night I pretty much ended with her. I told her not to contact me. But now I feel like shit.
Part of me is really sad for losing her, but a part of me is sad for what she has done to my confidence and my school work over the past two years of my life.
I honestly dont know my self anymore. And I think i need to find myself. Im not going to try to love someone else at the moment cause that would be just wrong.
When you let someone affect the way you think, thats when you start fucking up.
I don’t think I need to really say it again, but what an awesome article!! I am feeling better already. Thanks man!
Matt –
Like you i am finding myself thinking on the EX when i wake up and when i goto bed. Even though i am getting realy close with someone else I just can’t stop thinking about her still.
Matt-
What a great blog! It’s been three months for me since the break up. I’m doing ok. I miss her and think about her at times but not as much anymore. I know she’s truly not the one for me and I will not let ONE girl dictate my hapiness. The way I see it, it’s her loss.
Yeah, it’s a really difficult thing to go through. My ex and I only really dated for 5 months, but we were really good friends for a few before that. It’s been a month now, but I think the reason it’s hard for me is because she was my first…well…everything, and I’m 21 years old. It’s not like I couldn’t get girls either; I’m just very picky and was perfectly happy being alone.
She really made me believe that she loved me…that she cared about me, and that she was really serious about our future, and then BAM. It’s impossible to stop thinking about her, especially since she left it somewhat open ended (The whole “I don’t know what I really want…I wish we could just take a break, but that’s unfair to you” crap.) Ugh…I feel like I keep slipping back and forth between stages. Anger, sadness, regret…it all fills my head, but I’m definitely getting stronger. I think the hardest part is just viewing my future without her…trying to accept that she’s never coming back, and not thinking it’s her everytime I hear my phone ring or a knock at the door. Sometimes it feels like I’ll never get through it, but reading all of these stories helps to give me hope.
Thanks!
Just to add to my previous post…I also had that problem with her “becoming my world.” I became less concerned with my future, and suddenly everything was about her. I went three months without a job…which is very rare for me, but I didn’t mind because I had her. I would wake up happy to have her, go to bed happy to have her, etc…but in the end, this actually hurt me. It’s important, in a relationship, to make sure that you are a strong, independent person on your own. Unfortunately, I realized this too late. My kind actions and sentiments, which were only inspired by love, wound up driving her away. She knew how much I loved her, and even though she claimed to love me just as much, it drove her away. I guess, in the future, I’ll have to guard my thoughts and feelings more carefully. I opened up to her completely, and it wound up being one of the things that drove her away…that almost hurts more than anything.
I sooo much punish myself right now.
My ex and I havent stated that there is no future for us.
We still live together. We talk alot and do more romantic stuff now that we havent done in a loooong time.
Friday we went to a restaurant and later that evening we had a beef. The thing is that this time we solved it and became friends afterwards (we ususally just go to sleep).
Saturday we went out to the coast and drove around in the car. We had a nice lunch and later spended a few hrs at a lake. At the evening we visited some friends and then walked home together.
We were lying in the bed and talked and looked at each other. Then KISSED each other goodnight.
Sunday she came to me in the park after her work. After that we walked around for a long while and then home for evening meal.
This morning we had a nice breakfast and a looong hug before going to our works. I asked her if I could give her a kiss and she was quiet for a while then said. “No, not since we are not together”.
We have talked alot about the break up (or atleast I have been talking since I have done the reflection-homework).
But she doesnt dare to believe the change is lasting.
And my biggest concern is that she by her self has not thought about what she needs to change.
Right now this no-mans-land is so painful. I am building up my hopes and putting more effort in it for each day. I do get something back and I can see that she still have feelings as I do. But we both know that some things need to change and I dont think she dares to take the risk with a second chance.
Friday I spoke to a therapeut and I realised that I was pretty calm about everything now and confident about my self. My ex said she wanted to speak to her too.
We decided that after her session we will speak to the therapeut together. We are both afraid about what will come out of it and we dont dare to build our hopes up.
I dont want to think about how I will feel if this falls apart again.
She clearly likes the change I have pushed myself through but I didnt do it for her.
David –
Dude you need to sit her down and ask her if you two are goin to get back as an item. She will only break your heart if she meets someone else and you know her excuse will be “we where not an item so i thought it was ok” or something along those lines.
Am sorry to be straight to the point, as many guys on here women (and men), somtimes dont care about the other halfs feelings.
Don’t wait round for a decision you need to be a little tough.
Hi David,
what more can you do? seriously, are you going to get into the situation that you compromise everything that makes you, you? its clear you love this girl(fact)…..and if its meant to be, trust me it will find a way. my advice would be to sit down with her – both write(easier on paper for some) what you want, what you dont like, anything that bothers you about each other,where you want it to go – be completely honest and both try and do the things that make you both you. why not try new things, putting the new you into place – dancing hmmm….well you know where i’m going with that…..horse riding hmmmm again…..okay something else.
Good luck and see how you get on.
Jay – then think about her, someone else wrote – i choose to think about her because i want to, its my choice not hers – remember that!!!! it could take another week. it took me 1 and a half months to get sick of saying the same thing to my friends about why we broke up – so i eventually stopped….not that i planned to, i just did cos i didnt want to talk about her…….yes you will still love her always, or have the moments that you shared, but try to move on with your life at the same time and put these memories in a box(physically or mentally). another exercise i read was get all relaxed lieing on a bed, breath deeply…..imagine your ex and the best moment you ever had……imagine that love is growing into a piece of string connecting you to…..now just focus on the string…..thats all thats connectin you……CUT IT(however you want, golden scissors, knife, karate chop lol) and wave goodbye….i did this 5 times a day and it feels like it works….
tonight ive been looking through some of the articles just to give me a bit of strength as you do. some advice i had the other day was ‘ the universe has a plan for everyone ‘; okay we’ve all heard that before? Yes, well imagine it does, as i said before look at that bigger picture, try to enjoy what makes you, you and the rest will follow as mentioned again and again and again. i went looking into the whole idea that the universe really does have a plan for all of us and pursued looking into the whole star signs – try the compatiability zodiac signs thing – its interesting, if not it will give you something to do and fill your time….http://www.forecasters.co.nz/Pages/Horoscopes/Love/signsinlove/signs.htm
to have a laugh i am a scorpio – and my ex was a taurus – “the perfect partner for a Taurus is surprisingly a Scorpio”, now that is comical given the situation…..if anything just have a laugh, cos it made me smile and at the end of the day we all need to do that.
Oh and just as a note – yes i am still thinking of her and do love her(but i dont say it, and i choose not to say her name cos it helps me move on etc)….day by day its getting better. dont question why your not together, cos you will drive yourself mad…..accept it, move on with your life…. think of yourself in 1 weeks time and what you will be doin, in 1 months time, in 3 months time and so on…..it will get better.
anyway cheers to all who created this site, posted on it and are reading it. the blokes, lads, men on here all come from a walk of life thats unique….but we’re not alone realy and ae all going through similar things…….
Matt
Hey guys, I need some advice (if anyone still posts here). She broke up with me after 6 months- yeah this seems like nothing compared to some of you, but I completely fell for her and would do anything for her. And I’m not young and naive, I just wanted to settle down with her. It was like she was my match.
Anyway, it’s done and I’m trying to accept it. I constantly am thinking about her and facebooking and myspacing her though. Does anyone know how to stop this crazy behavior??? I heard that I need to stay busy and I do.
The second issue is about revenge… is it okay to send and message that totally calls her out and lets her know you’re pissed and she’s scum?? I know this would make me feel better in the short term and might help me cope but does this sort of attitude come back to haunt you??
Thanks for any advice and thanks for all the other reads!
Michael,
First up, making her feel like scum wont help at all, trying to get back tends to embarrass you – i called my ex quite a lot, drunk and sober, and said a lot of horrible things, be them true or not and it a) makes you even more hung up on her and b) makes it impossible to move on.
Im still not 100% over my ex, i was with a girl the other day and was hugging her, and i cried a bit over her shoulder (luckily she didnt notice!) because she wasnt my ex, but she felt the same, and this was because i had been facebook/myspace stalking her and saw she was with someone else.
Dont try and find what she’s up to, instead just look up your mates and look at the pictures of you lot having fun together, and see how much happier you were.
I know you think you’re hppiest with her, but yo’re not, its you’re mates that count.
Its hard, but delete her from all those social networking websites, so you cant see what she’s doing, and try to find other people, even if they aren’t the same as her at the beginning.
You will find someone better, it just takes time, and that time hurts so much, but you realise how much better off you are without them afterwards.
Good luck mate.
Michael:
1st off, listen to Eagle.
2nd
You shouldnt call her to exact revenge. I did that once and all it does is burn bridges. It doesn’t make you feel any better inside, and at this point you should be doing this just for you. Also, you do feel guilty in the long run; do you really want to be remember as the ex who sent a scum message?
hi. i broke off wid my girlfriend 4 mnths back.she n her folks came over to my place the day v broke off n fought with my parents coz their family thought it was my parents who put pressure on me to break up with her coz she was not liked by my folks.but the truth is that i didnt want to be with her coz i wasnt happy with her anymore.she made me cry a lot. fought with me and kept forcin the marriage issue although i had promised i would in a year or two and even got engaged.after the break up..she kept callin to say sorry. n i felt bad n got tempted to get back but i knew it wasnt worth it. v kept meetin n talkin n she kept apologizing n v slept together 3 times even aftr v broke up.but i kept tellin her i dont love her n dont want to get back n making out is nt the best thing to do at the moment.but she kept insisting dat i shudnt stop myself coz according to her it was love. n i stopped meetin her to have a distance n told her to not call. but then she called me sayin she was pregnant.n told me she doesnt wana abort n that i shud feel guilty about it. i said i am ready to take responsibility but dont want a relationship.. but she dint agree.she wanted a relationship.n she dint agree to come with me to the doctor bcoz i wanted to know the truth, if she really was pregnant.n then i was stressed n tensed n v met again n made out again n she still maintained that it was love n i said no to her that i dont love her n she still slept wid me.few days later, when i stopped showing her that im tensed n worried about the pregnancy, she told me shes got the baby aborted.which i was told by my counsellors that she never was pregnant n was jus lying to make me feel guilty n get back with her.then i maintained a distance for a while, till she came upto me again after a mnth n told me again that she is sorry n that she wants to get back.but i said no.then after a while when i stopped gettin all the attention i used to from her, i missed her. but controlled myself.i felt i cudnt get any1 better. i kept fantasizing about her when i missed the sex.n cudnt think of being with any 1 else.n just then i got to know more about she havin fun in her life n gettin back in touch with guys she used to not be in touch with whilst she was with me n used to tell me sick things about these guys.but now she was in touch wid em again.so i cudnt control my anger n called her n went to meet her to fight with her n ask her questions…but instead she made me feel guilty about things i did wrong n made me feel like i was the 1 who fucked the relationship n made me feel sorry n apologize to her n v kinda patched up n made out again. only a day after which i realized that a patch up is not what i want n told her no..n that im sorry about the whole incident n told her that i hadnt met her to patch up n was actually there to fight with her.this made her feel sick n she came to me in anger wid couple of her guy friends n wen i got rude whilst talkin to her..she started beatin me up in public. n again made me feel guilty for everything.today, she has made a joke of me on public websites like orkut n facebook…i hate her.. but still cant get over her n am feeling stuck on her bcoz i feel guilty for all this only bcoz she said that it was my fault that after the break up i discussed everything that happened between us, with my family n friends, who now hate her. .. how do i forget her man????? i want to..n i dont want this guilt feeling..coz now she is doin the same shit of talkin shit about me with her friends n family n that too on public websites..
Ronnie, this girl sounds like an absolute psycho to me, with the pregnancy and the beating you up an all.
It all sounds very anger based and confusing, so first and foremost you need to calm down and try to solve this mess without fighting.
I recommend that you cut her off completely, dont answer her calls etc and start seeing other girls, just move on and keep the moral high ground by not stooping to her level.
Girls can make you feel guilty for anything, even if you aren’t guilty, my mates and family would tell me how bad my ex was for me (which was true), but then somehow she would make me feel guilty for litsning to other people, and even my own opinion. From you’ve said you sound innocent so just forget her.
To forget her, read this forum again, it has the best advice and certainly helped me no end.
Good luck.
thanx eagle…
it would probably take more such advice n help from people like u n im very thankful for which,, to help me forget this girl… thanx..i have to think of sumthing to get her out of mind somehow..coz she keeps cummin in my thoughts,, every day every hour..
Ronnie mate, she used you badly, the worst mistake to make is to sleep with your ex, as alex said right at the beginning, “stop stroking the banana” over her, and having sex with her makes it so much harder, it increases your bonds to her and also will give her some control over you. So seriously stop that or you will get fucked up, and one girl isnt worth it, although at the time you may think she is, (i know i did!)
If you really find it hard controlling your ‘male instincts’ go to a local bar or something and pick up a girl and get a bit involved with her as a sort of rebound, and that may help you to forget her. Im not a great fan of rebounds as the girl tends to get hurt and that makes you feel really down. But they are tried and tested and may well work for you!
If you need to forget about her, go to the gym or go running or do some other type of physical exercise and push yourself really hard, it will make you feel better due to a)those lovely endorphins and b) the fact that she will be out of your mind comletely for that while, as you are concentrating on something else.
The best thing i found, as well as exercise, was going out with my mates and drinking (not to excess!) and chatting up girls, just like i used to before my bloody disasterous relationship, and also to talk about it as much as possible with close friends and family, explain how basically mental she is (she really sounds it!) and this will help you to realise what you’ve escaped! Keep ignoring her, she clearly isnt worth it, she has hurt you and you don’t deserve it and there are plenty of other hotties out there who would give an arm and a leg to get some of the attention and love you gave her.
Keep up the good work.
Ronnie mate, there is no perfect answer to getting over someone who you shared your time with, gave your love to and probably had some of the best experiences in your life with. But this forum is the best start so read up!
From what i can see she used you badly, the worst mistake to make is to sleep with your ex, as alex said right at the beginning, “stop stroking the banana” over her, and having sex with her makes it so much harder, it increases your bonds to her and also will give her some control over you. So seriously stop that or you will get fucked up, and one girl isnt worth it, although at the time you may think she is, (i know i did!)
If you really find it hard controlling your ‘male instincts’ go to a local bar or something and pick up a girl and get a bit involved with her as a sort of rebound, and that may help you to forget her. Im not a great fan of rebounds as the girl tends to get hurt and that makes you feel really down. But they are tried and tested and may well work for you!
If you need to forget about her, go to the gym or go running or do some other type of physical exercise and push yourself really hard, it will make you feel better due to a)those lovely endorphins and b) the fact that she will be out of your mind comletely for that while, as you are concentrating on something else.
The best thing i found, as well as exercise, was going out with my mates and drinking (not to excess!) and chatting up girls, just like i used to before my bloody disasterous relationship, and also to talk about it as much as possible with close friends and family, explain how basically mental she is (she really sounds it!) and this will help you to realise what you’ve escaped! Keep ignoring her, she clearly isnt worth it, she has hurt you and you don’t deserve it and there are plenty of other hotties out there who would give an arm and a leg to get some of the attention and love you gave her.
Keep up the good work.
Hi guys sorry about the double post, computer was a bit tempramental so i want sure whether it had worked 1st time or not!
Hello all,
Ive been in and out of a relationship for about 6 years. But most of the 6 years was me trying to get my girlfriend back. Finally this year we ended up getting back together officially, and everything was fine until pressures from school and personal goals were effectiing my time and space with her. I felt like i always had to call her or talk when i didnt want to, even though i still cared for her a lot. I ended up telling her i needed some space and didnt want to talk on the phone as much. (i go to school in a diff country but come back in summer) She took this as i dont want to talk to you and all this, but never really said anything to me about it. FInally the pressures got to me and i ended things with her, but only because i couldnt handle it at the time. But throughout the break up i would txt her telling her how much i miss her and she would txt me back showing feelings as well, even talked on the phone once a week. But now that im home i tried getting back together with her and all of a sudden she doesnt want anything to do with me. She wont let me see her, and she says she has moved on and doesnt want me txting her anymore. She says i had her and let her slip through my fingures. I guess im having a real hard time with this because she doesnt understand what i was going through and i didnt mean to hurt her, i just couldnt deal with the situation well at the time. And being away is really hard. In the end, i dont know what to do, i still love the girl to death but she told me she is ready to meet other people. I have tried getting over her and she keeps popping back. Just dont know what to do.
when i said popping back, i mean feelings wise just stay there and dont leave.
Ronnie,
Sorry bro, but it sounds like she met someone else already. I could be wrong but It all sounds too familiar. I’ve been there.
Ronnie,
Unfortunately i have to agree with Sergio on this one, it sadly seems to me as if she is already with someone else, which is going to make you feel terrible.
My ex did this, after a 2 year relationship she called me to say she was sleeping with this guy already and had been ‘doing stuff’ with him (i found out she had arranged to see him a few times when we were together) only a week or so after we finished, and told me everything they’d done which was just a bit weird, and very painful.
I suppose this made me feel worse as she moved on so bloody quickly, but in the long run its done me good, i obviously thought the relationship was something it wasn’t and coming to terms with this has given me a lot of strength.
You say she told you that ‘you had her but let her slip through your fingers’.
This sort of shows that she didnt think you really deserved her… but i may be incorrect here.
Just follow all the advice here, it will take time but try your hardest to move on, you will, and really remember that no matter what you had, there is someone out there who is better for you than this one girl.
I hope you heal soon mate.
Thanks bud. Appriciate the post! Im just really confused about this whole situation. She told me its not because of another guy, and just recently told me she is ready to start looking for another person. The things is this has happend before with this girl and i tried forever to move on and this girl just stays in my heart. I guess it was my fault she doesnt want to get back cause i didnt make her feel like i loved her enough, but it wasnt the case, i cared for her more than she thought. People always tell me there are better ones out there, but i have never met these better girls, and the girls i seem to attract arent the ones i should be with, you know. I just dont know how to let go of things i guess and wish i could figure myself out or know how to figure myself out more.
MY STORY PART 1
These postings have helped me tremendously. I’ve read them all. Thanks everybody!
I have one of those weird situations (not that weird, I guess….several guys on here are the initiators of the breakup)…. I broke up with my girlfriend of a year. Happened about 3 months ago now. I am still at times….in DEEP despair over what I could have/should have done to save it. I have such regret over how I handled it. I just disappeared for a few days, then broke up with her. She was pretty blindsided.
At first I felt relieved, mostly. Then after a few days, the “reality” of it all set in….I am alone now and I f*cking hate it. No hope for the future.
We got along great for the most part. She is a fabulous person, and very hot. The hottest I’ve ever been with. I am 44 y.o. and haven’t dated a lot of girls. So my self-esteem has been an issue. And this girl is 28 y.o. (16 years younger than me). I thought I really hit the jackpot.
I played this last situation pretty well, considering. I was relaxed. The f*cked up thing is….she was constantly insecure about our relationship. Especially of an ex-fiancee of mine. Eventually I just snapped and broke up with her. Her jealousies were wearing me down.
She constantly waved her ring finger at me, and asked about her attractiveness, and gave me such a hard time over looking at ANY other woman. I truly only wanted her. Her personality was a turnoff for me sometimes. This girl was so beautiful, but somehow I just didn’t want to have sex with her so many times. A lot of it was my own issues (depression, body image, etc), but she would make these clumsy groping moves on me.
Some say I am grieving the loss of a hot chick. I do miss her as a person though. Not just a hottie. We got along well much of the time.
I feel guilty and want her back. I am suffering from that “I didn’t do enough to make her understand” mentality. And regretting that I ended it.
I think that mostly, I did everything right, and the fact that we’re not together anymore is the best thing. But today I stumbled on a pic of her on Facebook…she was so happy and smiling, and it destroyed me.
She’s done with me now….and it’s so difficult. And to think how I was the one who wanted this.
MY STORY PART 2
Since the breakup, I’ve just acted like a blubbering idiot much of the time. Crying and begging at first, then dozens of texts and emails. Longwinded explanations to her about what I was thinking, etc etc etc. She ignores me for the most part.
Sometimes I’ve gone off on her….being very rude and mean and just letting my anger out on her. Obviously that hasn’t helped at all.
She’s been very patient and largely kind with me. But I “killed the light inside her”….to quote her words. She has responded to me from time to time…trying to tell me it’s really over. And she gets a little tougher with her approach each time.
A few weeks ago I just about lost it. Went home from work “sick” and just fell apart. The shame and embarrassment of not “manning up” about this sh!t makes it even worse.
We were supposed to go on vacation to the Dominican Republic last week. I went alone. It was tough.
I’m having a very difficult time putting the emphasis back on me. On my happiness. WHY I DID WHAT I DID IN THE FIRST PLACE. Seem to constantly forget that.
I’ve had periods where I’ve focused on myself. Working out more, keeping as busy as possible, exploring my music (I’m a musician) more….lots of times, wherever you go, whatever you do, you think about her. When does this stuff end?
Now I’m just angry a lot, and not caring about anything.
I’m not a believer in any kind of rebound thing. I have no desire to see other woman right now. Maybe I should just force myself? Is it fair to the new chick, though?
I am doing my absolute best to go forward with NO CONTACT in place. It does get a bit easier, if for no other reason that it’s just plain embarrassing. But to see pics on the web, or just thinking about…is she seeing someone else, etc etc etc….just brings me right back.
Thanks for reading, all…..feels good to get it out.
COUPLE MORE THOUGHTS FOR THE EVENING…
I obviously want her back. But the crazy thing is…when I truly think about having her in my life again, it scares me. I know we did have some problems. I feel like I can count on myself to be better together, but she never seemed much like she wanted to put any “work” into the relationship. And I do believe relationships do take a certain amount of work.
I really ought to let go of this notion that we could have that “perfect” relationship. The thing looked so f*cking good on paper! We could have been so cool together, if we had both relaxed a bit. Especially her.
It drives me NUTS…this notion of her being happy, and moving on….and here I am the one who is frozen. Just totally paralyzed. And it was my idea to break up. This ALONE….kills me.
I am so sick of overthinking this thing. The best thing I can do, I suppose, is to focus on myself, and not forget my own well-being. But the mind is a bastard with this stuff. Keeps returning and returning.
Time, please be on my side.
Thanks!
Steve,
Not a god place to be in mate. Ive experienced sort of the same thing, so i feel i can relate a bit.
Her jealousy was obviously a big issue for you, dont know if you spoke to her about it, but still she had issues, maybe she got messed around before (not that you messed her around)?
On paper everything always looks perfect, especally when you’re in love, my ex and i spoke about marriage a lot, only about a year in, at the time it felt so right but looking back it would have definately been the worst decision i’ve ever made.
Dont worry about the age issue, or the hotness factor, there are loads of really lovely girls who will like you for you, and not care about your age or your appearance, so just be yourself, and remember to be happy (speaking from experience, no one likes a miserable bastard who’s hung up on their ex!).
I can definately see why you’re hung up on her, and with her looking happy on facebook etc, my ex has loads of pictures of her with her new bf, and it hurts an awful lot, so ive found that the best thing is to remove all contact details, so delete her number, email address, remove her as a friend on facebook etc (despite you knowing all of it off by heart!) and no matter how curious you feel just tell yourself its not worth the extra pain. Also chuck out any of her stuff.
Good on you for the rebound thing, some girls get really hurt by it so its best to scope it out before you try anything, as hurting girls isn’t cool. But i suggest you should have a go at meeting new girls, even if its just for a coffee or something during a lunch break at work, you will be amazed at how much you have in common with some people, and keeping it casual wont make you think of your ex – you wont think you’re ‘out’ with a girl and immediately be reminded of her, also i find just talking to other people takes your mind off it.
Her being happy without you is one of the hardest things to come to terms with, as you probably feel that she couldnt live without you, and that you had a relationship that was more special, meaningful and perfect than anyone elses? I know i did. It does hurt, and it is hard to get over, but im nearly there now, and i look back at the time just after we broke up (a big blur of alcohol and painkillers) and think “what the fuck was i doing with myself?”
Just keep posting here, talking is a great way to movon, and this ‘forum’ helped me more than anything i could have imagined.
I feel for you on this mate, best of luck with it.
Ugh this is hard. Having a gf who first liked my bud, then moved on to me. things were great. she was a looker, nice, and loved to talk. of course she waits till the end of school though, and everyone knows summer gf’s never work. anyway, i go to the movies with her and she brings her friend. talks to HER the WHOLE TIME. im left out. randomly kisses me. next day, breaks up with me. almost killed myself. but you know what?
im too young for that. ive got plenty of time and lots of flirt in me. Just gotta wait it out. “dont cry because its over. Smile because it happened-” by dr. suess
Spencer part 2
By the way, now she likes my bud again. Seconds after her leaving me. wow. thats it. that knife over there is looking really good right now. or just overdose maybe. lets see.
Eagle….
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. Very much appreciated and great words….I’ve done much of what you’ve suggested (chucking her stuff, removing Facebook contact, etc). It’s the true letting go that takes courage.
I most definitely brought up her jealousies with her. Offered up counseling together. She declined.
You hit the nail on the head with her past jealousies possibly playing a role…I’ve just really realized, and admitted to myself, that her previous relationship really f*cked with her head. Seven months with a dude who rarely touched her, never was intimate with her, and just the most distant and emotionally unavailable guy one could imagine. She waited him out…he never said he loved her, nothing. And I come along, and she’s all over me like a woman in the desert dying of thirst. I totally got punished for this guy’s sins. F*ck!!!!!
At any rate, your advice is well-taken, and I’m grateful. I will try my hand at some CASUAL dating soon, will keep posting occasionally, and will be kind to myself as I get thru this thing. I know I’m going to be totally fine.
Steve
SPENCER!
These thoughts you’re having….I’ve had them too. Hurting yourself is all about feeling like you’re in total control. And ultimately, you won’t be around to see the look on her face, right? This talk won’t get you anywhere.
You’ve seen it said….this is true: THE BEST REVENGE is to live an authentic, happy life without this woman. She is just one woman. Give this thing time to get some perspective. You WILL look back someday and say…What the f*ck was I thinking???
And as for your “bud”….what kind of bud would f*ck around….AGAIN????…. with a woman he knows totally hurt you? And will probably just hurt him too? AGAIN? Sounds like you might be better off not around any of them. For a while anyway.
Think about it….
Steve
mayne me and my ex broke up a month ago and i still cant get over her. It just makes me sad to know that i gave her everything she wanted in every way. I even waited for her for a while and i still tell her that i will wait for her. i need someones advice
I know I am most hated among this blog being female, but I am letting you, that I came across this site in attempts to help my friend “Z” get over a girl who’s totally crushing him, stringing him along, and doing it to boost her own ego. I have taken exerpts out of some of your responses, and I believe its helping him. This girl and him dated over 2 years ago, but because they kept contact, he can’t get over her, but she keeps him at arm’s length, so not fair. They dated long distance until she said she couldn’t handle it anymore. 2yrs later she’s dating “a great guy” and wants to “see where it goes” with him and keeps telling my friend Z that “only time will tell” as far as her and Z go…what BS. Its pretty obvious that it is only hurting him to keep talking to her and professing his feelings to her, how do I get him to stop?
Good advice, dont take it for granted…The cold hard truth of it is half measures dont work!Im going through this as we speak, she doesnt want a thing to do with me yet I shift on a daily basis between moving on & calling her over and over!Not only is it unhealthy but its unrealistic…getting drunk doesnt make it better in the long run & neither does replacing her with another female (rushing into it anyway)Just take time to see, this is good!Its time to focus on yourself more. Good Luck Guys!!
Spencer – hurting/killing yourself over a girl, or anything at all for that matter just isn’t sensible mate! For a start you’ll be dead, which a) sucks and b), as steve said you wont be around to see a reaction. If you want a reaction just get on as normal, it takes time obviously, but i promise you in a few months you’ll feel much better. Find someone lovely, there are millions of lovely girls out there. Girls can be fickle and seem cold, and your friend doesn’t seem like much of a friend to me.
Manny, its hard, i know, the first month or so is the worst, just keep busy, read everyone’s advice thoroughly and do it – it works!
Devin, firstly only fools would hate someone for being a girl – the vast girls aren’t bitches and they dont mean to hurt us guys on purpose, but its always going to happen after a loving relationship. Nice of you to help out your friend like this. Its hard to make someone realise there is a high chance that they are going to get hurt by someone they love, but just sit him down and explain that it didn’t work before and the situation hasn’t changed, plus the ‘time telling’ is a quite possibly a contingency plan for her to fall back on should her other guy interests go wrong. There is a chance that she will want to get back with him, but breaking up the 2nd time will be even harder. Its not nice of her to do this to him, keeping his hopes up maybe you could contact her? Also if she is with such a ‘great guy’, why does she want to keep in touch with him, its not fair on either of them.
Steve, cheers mate, glad i could help, even if only a little, and really great quote ‘letting go takes courage’. Will stick with that!
I regret not posting more in my first post…Really feelin like everyone here is in the same boat & can relate so here goes….I started dating Jaime my senior year while still getting over my ex at the time (she cheated)anyways, we took things fast but have never been happier & neither did she.Love her more than anything,I treated her like a princess as just like you guys did… Well it goes on for a year and come May weve been fighting more, and she doesnt come over as much so its her graduation night & Im told she wants to go out with friends and not have me involved.Okay thats fine, disappointed but whatever right?So I ask her why things have been funny once again (the answer was usually stress from grad.)well she tells me we need a break, she doesnt want to be tied down at this point in her life.Talk about a sucker punch to the gut….Blew my mind, to top it off she says its been that way since Feb. & she has been tryin to make it work.Weeks go by and it goes from a little break to were done.Of course, like the fool I am I blow up that phone!Went from reasonable to sounding crazy, being desperate & she didnt even wanna talk…I built my life around her and it was stupid (should have spent our own time apart & had more friend time) Now shes all about partying with her friends, drinking every night & all that ya know the stages after highschool we all go through.So yeah Ive been through the whole wanting to do harm to yourself stage…thats really rock bottom, anyone who comes to that needs to really sit down & think about it (probably the dumbest thing ive ever done)Its still hard on me today is the month anniversary of the break up, doesnt make it any easier when every other song on the radio is about love & crap…I advise not to listen to that at all!So in conclusion Im giving her space, getting back to taking care of #1 (thats me!!)and whatever happens happens, either we get back together, I find someone better or stay solo…
Justin,
Loved the post bro!
Man, I’m having such a hard day today. My ex and I broke up four months ago. It was tough but we still made contact. Mainly her. She does most of the calling. Anyway, we were talking last night and I asked her if she had met anyone. My worst nightmare came true. She said she had and that they are just hanging out. She said she liked him but she just wasn’t sure about him. The bottom line is that she has met someone and my chest is just hurting at the thought of that. I know it’s mainly my fault for keeping contact and answering her phone calls. I know what I need to do but it’s easier said than done.
Wow its really helpful venting on here…Im glad I had a chance to do so!
Sergio-Hey buddy, first and foremost Im truely sorry to hear about your situation…From reading your posts I wonder why else would she call aside from having feelings for you and/or just trying to get you worked up?Like the other guy said females like to play mindgames like that…dont let it work out in her favor.From experience your probably better off doing your own thing & not “jumping” to answer her calls if you know what i mean… do you know that she is really seeing this guy?You probably dont, either way it is NOT where your mind should be…I know easier said then done however dwelling on her with someone else is a one way road bro & it goes downhill all the way!It will eat you up and spit you out like no other, talk about an ego-killer…just keep your head up, do you know what you want?(to work it out, or just get over her completely?)I know how it is being stuck in the middle but in my own situation Im seeing that Me being with her hindered my own life in that she was my world.That is no way to go, life is short enjoy it & take care of yourself first.Ide like to get an update good luck!
What a wonderful site this is… absolutely fantastic Alex. I think I may have finally found the right place to get some stuff off of my shoulders, and get some great advice as to what I should do.
Ok, 2 months ago I ended a relationship with a girl who I had known for a year and a half prior to dating, and who became my most serious relationship to date. Things were good for the most part.. but towards the end of our relationship I started to feel really stressed, and ultimately trapped. I freaked out, and ended the relationship. Now, before she and I even started dating, we both agreed that we had a great friendship and that whatever happens, we wanted to preserve that friendship.
I believe that the whole reason behind freaking out was the dreaded “L” word… it was starting to get close to being out in the open, and I couldn’t figure out how I felt about it… I just knew it scared the HELL out of me. (past relationship… but then, I try to view every relationship as a clean slate) I reasoned with her that I needed to straighten out my own life, and that she needed to do the same. (she was unemployed at the time, and literally living on credit cards. she has since gotten a job and is doing great) She and I started talking on a couple occasions within a couple weeks of having broken up, and both of us just ended up really upset and hurt. I think I happened to have recently met someone, and I think I let myself take the easy way out by displacing my emotions. (BIG mistake)
The long story short on the new chick is that it lasted a whopping 3 weeks… and I ended up having to change my phone number because of her. To say that she was crazy would be taking things LIGHTLY.
While I was fixated on this new person though, my ex went and found herself a boyfriend, who ultimately she ended up breaking up with, quite ironically, around the time I told her I broke things off with the girl I was seeing.
The ex and my mother are both good friends, and they spend a lot of time together. (she became part of the family really) Since they were hanging out frequently, I’d see her periodically as I was getting ready to take off for work. We started talking a lot more frequently of late, and made an effort to hang out a couple times. Here’s where things get interesting.
We were hanging out, playing pc games, and drinking. She was feeling drunk, I was only slightly buzzed at the time. She jokingly said that I needed to level the playing field… and I took it seriously. I got completely HAMMERED, and ended up puking my guts up in the toilet all night, while she took care of me. Of course, before my stomach finally decided that it couldn’t take it, the good ‘ol truth syrum had its effects.. and I started telling her about how bad I felt for not listening to her, for breaking things off so abruptly, and for hurting her. Despite the awful turnout, she insists that she had a great time, still loves me to pieces, (her words) and wants to hang out again tonight. We’re scheduled to watch a movie at my place after I get off of work.
Here’s what I’m struggling with. Of course I still care about this woman, and I always will on at least some level. We built a great friendship before we started dating, and despite whatever avenues our lives take, and whoever she decides she wants to be with, I’d still like to keep that friendship alive and well. What I worry about is, I’m starting to feel like I shouldn’t have been so harsh in pushing her away, and that I should have just taken the time to work things out with her in the first place, instead of just being stuck to what I had already decided. We only ever had ONE argument, and it was because I was being stupid and could have gotten myself electrocuted, (in her eyes) but refused to take her advice. Aside from that, things were great… I just got really freaked out, and without much warning ended the relationship.
What do you guys think? Should I just completely let go of the idea of ever being with her again? Or is it worth trying to salvage? As I stated, I’m comfortable letting go, and just being her friend. I care about her too damn much to let a relationship screw up our friendship. She is the kind of person I would honestly like to remain in contact with for the rest of my life, if nothing else.
Andrew….
I can totally relate on the pushing someone away and then rethinking things. Rash decisions, and the aftermath of those, can really be eye-openers. They are very destructive, and the trust is so damaged as a result.
My advice is to take things slow going forward, no matter what the outcome you may think you want. I think time has a way of leveling these things out (that’s what I’m hoping, anyway)….keep gaining perspective.
You are lucky to even have her in your life still. When I freaked out, I lost her for good and it kills me everyday.
I do think it’s very important to honor what you WERE feeling before you did break up. Those feelings were there for a reason. I think it’s dangerous to pretend they weren’t.
Honest, open conversations with this woman about both your hopes and fears are never a bad idea. As tough as those can be. I wish I had realized that 3 months ago.
Just my two cents….good luck.
Steve
Steve,
Thank you man, genuinely, thank you. I couldn’t believe just how bad it hurt, and how much it continues to torment the back of my mind. She was the first person I had ever actually broken up with… and it was not fun being on the other side of that coin at all.
I have no intention to jump right into anything at the moment, and for her own sake, I don’t think I’d let her try either. I might be wrong here, but I do believe she still has feelings for me beyond just being a friend, but you are right, having experienced what she did when we broke up will create a rift that will take a LONG time to even start to mend, even if she acts as though nothing is bothering her.
I certainly have to agree… I have to consider EVERYTHING I was feeling, not just the good times. Its really easy to hang on to the good times… its a lot harder to hang on once you look at the bad times. That may be part of what complicates matters for me… sans the fear of realizing I might have genuinely fallen in love with her, (would be the first person) there wasn’t really much in the way of “bad times” with us… though it goes without saying that things weren’t perfect. (they never are, its just a matter of how accepting we are of the circumstances we’re given)
I’ll be talking to her in the next week or so to find out just what it is I had said the other night… I do remember a LOT of what transpired, but some of it is rather hazy. After waking up this morning and not being able to find my toothbrush, I had to text her to find out where it was… and that really opened my eyes to the potentiality of having said a lot more than I realize. I haven’t completely scared her away… she’s even offering to bring a bottle of wine for movie night tonight, but I don’t want to do anything to hurt her again. (and inevitably, everyone ends up hurting the people they care about at some point in their life) Am I just crazy?
Justin,
Thanks for the advice. Do I know what I want? Yes, I want to have kids one day and she isn’t willing to do that for me. See, she has two kids already from a previous relationship. At the beginning of our relationship we talked about kids and she had agreed to have one more (with me of course). A year and a half later, she decides that she doesn’t want to have anymore kids..ever. This was quite heartbreaking as you can imagine. I basically had a make a decision. I love kids and I do want to have some one day so I had to end it with her. So with that said, there is no chance of us getting back together and quite honestly, I don’t want to be with her. At the same time, I still have feelings for her so it’s hard to know that she’s interested in someone else. She says she doesn’t want to settle down right now and that she is just passing time with this guy..I’m much better today. I feel God has a plan for me and she’s not part of it.
Hi everyone!So I went out with my buddys last night, mostly just to get my mind off of things….well I ended up working up enough nerve to talk to a couple girls (weird how hard it seems after being in a relationship for so long!Anybody else feel like that?)Anyways, was a little rusty at first but just acted like myself…gotta a couple numbers & talked to this one girl in particular while she was working at the mall, Out of the blue she asks if I want her number!!Felt soooo good here my girlfriend of almost a year and a half didnt even want to hang out with me yet this girls dyin to take me out!!(literally shes taking me out to eat & a movie tonight!)I know everyone says its not good to do the whole replacement thing but wow, I went from rock bottom to well not really even being upset over her (still miss her but whatever right?shes not cryin over me)We owe it to ourselves to see what else is out there…who knows it may be the best choice you’ve made!
Sergio- Our situations are very different, however I feel ya brother!Sometime you will find a woman who wants the same things you do & make you happier then you’ve ever been, like I said try not to dwell….
Andrew…
You are not crazy. In fact, you seem to have a pretty strong grasp of what’s going on with your situation. And, yeah, it does seem we tend to hurt the ones we love. Most of the time out of our own fears and insecurities.
My best advice…and this would apply to many of the guys suffering on here: BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF! The mind has a terrible way of overthinking, blaming, regretting, hating, feeling guilty, depressed, worthless… All just bullsh!t thoughts, really. Utter noise.
I can tell you this: avoiding pain brings WAAAAY more suffering. It’s the absolute truth. So when you’re mind starts the bullsh!t, just notice and, and say ‘thank you, mind, for helping try to figure this out’….and keep living your life.
We ALL make mistakes…the ex’s included. You may have said something while hammered (who hasn’t???) or done something you regret (like all of us!!!)….we’re human and we need to be gentle with each other. The world would be a much better place if that actually happened.
Listen to your heart, and do that work to figure out what you’re truly feeling, and what you truly want…TRUST yourself! And be yourself, and you’ll be fine.
I’m trying HARD to practice what I’m preaching. I haven’t been very good at it lately. It’s a challenge!!!!!
Keep us posted, for sure.
Steve
Yeah so playing the field helps but Im still feelin like im in the same boat…I feel like no closure whatsoever, Im fine but always find myself thinking about her every single day!Its gotten a little better but wow, Im sick of this crap. Shes given me so many reasons (we fight,long distance,doesnt get to party w/ friends enough,im too boring cause I dont go out constantly,were going diff. directions in life)Ive dwelled on them, only hurting myself more which is ultimatly pointless…I love this girl to death treated her like a princess & have literally fought for her, more times than I wish to recall.I felt this alone entitled me to be treated decent by her, you know to at least be respected & have her love.Nope, this whole idea of the break was what I expected all along…an unknown reason to push me away & make it “easy” on her, the only real reason it bothers me so much aside from bein away from her is the fact I know she loves me deep down but you can tell she forced herself to move on.Of course I didnt make it any better, calling over and over begging at first (guys dont do that!its a last resort & in the end makes you look/feel like an ass) she said give her time alone to figure things out like at least a couple months…yeah big crock of shit!Like most guys on here I want to at least be friends and I know that wouldnt be easy but nope, I call and she sounds annoyed rushes me off saying ill talk to you later.I put aside my own pride to take her back even though she’s treated me like shit!Screw that!Dont do it, seriously we deserve soooo much better deep down Im happy she didnt come back even though thats what I feel I need.Another big problem I have is that after a year or so nonstop talking everyday Ive grown use to that, not her…Its time to focus on myself, thanks guys for all the great advice it truly helps!!!
Keep venting guys! It’s phenomenal to see.
And as always, specific questions to me: contact me personally through the contact form.
Justin – Don’t girls just make you even more upset and angry when they just want to be friends. it realy anoys me!
After 6 years with my EX she said to me lets just be friends.
I still think about her every day. it’s been 2 months since we had split up and it was her decision and i have not had a sinple text message or e-mail since. How cold can someone be after 6 years? i tried calling her, texting her for a week after we broke-up sop i left contact with her to see if she would contact me. How cold can a person be? 6 years for nothing! she was not just my girl friend but my best friend.
With some good advice and talking to guys/girls here i can get up of a mornin with a smile and get on with life and finding that special someone.
Great site guys. It has really helped me to realize that others are going through the same things. Keep up the great work for tohse of us who need comforting!
yes good site guys… me and my girlfriend have parted after four and half years she is with another guy now it hurts, but she still says she loves me and still wants to be friends dont think i can be friends i need to move on i still think of her a lot but when i go out i look at all the beautiful women thinking they could love me just the same lol so just keep going it will happen KEEP THE FAIH
FAITH
great to read guys split up three days ago after 2 years living together and its difficult spec since i moved to her country recently feels rather lonely but reading the stuff above has helped immensly i think maybe its the loss of someone you ve lived with and spent all your time with thats the killer rather than the actual girl thats gone, its amazing how much free time i now have and like above people have mentioned you need to fill it. . .they dont seem to look back. . . maybe we should do the same
Jay, yes I must agree its real frustrating when they want nothing more than to be friends….I still dont see how girls act like nothing ever happened, cant imagine how that feels after six years man!!After fourteen months it blows my mind, you jus get use to somebody after a while I suppose…why do we get so upset yet it doesnt phase them?Its not right! Mo your right buddy, I feel like bein alone & missin her is much worse than actually being without her its messed up!Im just sick of being bored, I feel like batman without my robin….
Got a little update for anyone who cares to hear, she ended up calling me the other night because I sent her a few texts a while back….well long story short she filled me in about how much of a piece of shit she thinks I am, how Im a little boy & couldnt just be a man and suck it up!She even called me a little bitch!This is comin from the girl that said she loved me with all her heart about a month ago…I really let loose and let her know how I feel, and it hurt so bad when she flat out told me shes over me and doesnt care.Then to top it all off, she lets me know that me calling her lately was harassment & if I ever call again shes calling the police and her dad will come after me….this is the same girl whos abusive exboyfriend stalked us and jumped me, We both went to jail over it.Wow not even sure how that makes me feel!She treated that ass better than Im gettin now, oh well….then she makes it clear I ruined everything & theres no chance of us getting back together or even being friends.I could go on forever about how much she degraded me, how boring I was & how her friends are sooo much funner (anybody else felt like when your with the girl you love, it doesnt matter what you do its good?)well not her, getting drunk 24/7 & hangin out with crackheads beats me anyday.Im done letting it bother me, its beyond me & I finally see how immature she is, seriously hope maybe someone reads this and it helps there situation in some way?
hey jay, same thing here, 6 years. one phone call – “just want to be friends” and she is stone cold and seeing another guy now.
jus read over my post and realized when I said hope what i wrote helps someone it wasnt really that helpful…this is what ive learned lately
-observe the no contact rule,I went through this phase where I thought calling her & fighting or having her not really wanna talk was better than not a all…try to move on or play hard to get
-Gotta have respect for yourself before anyone else…what I mean is when you are “desperate” for a woman theres a point where it feels like nothing can change the way you feel, even if that be her talking down on you.Dont ever be one to put up with that.
-when its finally over, on a break or whatever else…dont sit and dwell on things,when she enters your mind I find it helpful to automatically think of something else…dont listen to love songs or songs you guys use to listen to
-Said a million times, work out, do anything that betters yourself!for me its perfect because I slacked on lifting while with her but now its a daily thing & Im working on a six pack,its kinda weird but what better way to get even subtly!
Thats all I can think of now!Later!
I had a real battle with my mind yesterday….just was feeling really anxious and down. And I hadn’t contacted her in a month. And I caved and texted her…she was polite and nice and inquisitive, but definitely distant. I felt guilty afterwards. Sort of relieved, but mad at myself. Like I pussied out and let myself down.
Of course, I just wanted to read into little things like “you are in my thoughts too…” Could mean something….probably means nothing. This letting go is a real b!tch.
I need to keep being kind to myself and not fight this grieving so hard. It’s so godd@mn difficult sometimes.
Steve, wow gotta say I can relate today!Dont know what I was thinking…well I was in town & ended up at her work (didnt really hit me till I got there)so Im waiting for her to come out, its raining & she gives me this look like what the hell are you doing here?Anyways we talk and she says she hopes I didnt want to do anything….already got plans, I lied and said I didnt. It was very shortlived, she gave me a hug I told her I love her she says the same but as an exboyfriend.We hug again and I cant help but go for a kiss, she turns away….says no!Im like give it a shot, fat chance she ends up leavin and tells me not to show up again.I call and we talk for a few, I told her straight up she can say/do what she wants but her eyes dont lie about how she feels….she interrupts says theres nothing in her eyes.I asked what happened, same shit….(gradually fell out of love with you)Yeah thanks for letting me know when it was too late!What was I thinking???I keep hoping for this miracle that is honestly not going to happen!How can you be so heartless after spending a year with someone?It hurts me over & over again I feel like Im goin from being better, to worse again and its an endless cycle till I do something about it.
Hey guys, Im kinda new to the site and can honestly understand what all of you guys are going through. It’s so tough because I honestly feel that the women have a stronger mind when it comes to this stuff…its like they get over it and we cant. Im going through the exact same thing. I was going out with an extremely cute and smart girl (with a great tushy may i add) and things were great. Of course at some times things were up and down and in the end we broke up. Unfortunately, she always shifted plans last minute when we pretty much had plans for a night. I got angry and upset and she said she couldnt put up with it anymore. What is really frustratiing is that I know if we communicated better we would be together tooday. After already reading Alex’s intro on this page im doin two things wrong (thinkin we can get back together and that im kinda putting her on a pedestal). I honestly feel that the only way to get better is to find some other girl…i need that “her” hole to be filled, this summer im pretty much on my own as most of my boys are outta the country so i have a lot of free time (after work) and she pops into my head…its been 2 months since we broke up.. i just dont know how to get better. I caved in and texted her and she said she’d call (a couple times) but still hasnt called…I feel like she cares cuz she said she’d call but then i feel she doesnt care cuz she hasnt called. Anyway, thats my spiel, any advice is great and it really helps that everyone here is going through the same, it really helps..
Steve, I feel ya..Im stil hoping for that miracle too. But while I havent kissed anyone yet, I know that moving on to someone else would def help. Personally, as many agree, I think the best thing to do is to not put her on a pedestal because there are tons of beautiful women out there who will treat you as you deserve (I realized this when I saw plenty of babes at the gym heh) but in all seriousness things happen for a reason. Hope this helps and best of luck.
ive found myself gradually getting better…it is so important to realize others are out there and to know that things didnt work out for a reason..thanks again everyone, this site is very helpful
Justin…
I hear ya, man. This stuff is difficult, and just plain old takes time to get thru. I really feel like half the battle is just allowing yourself to be human. And to f*ck up occasionally. I myself have struggled with the “no contact” rule, and when I have broken it, I feel twice as bad because I just beat myself up afterwards.
I think Sha is right in his post above…women have a different method of dealing with these situations, I think. Especially if they’re P!SSED. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” They’re able to just shut down…hold onto that hurt and move away. (my situation)
Another thing that doesn’t help is when people try “letting you down easy” or thinking they “don’t want to hurt you”. Her saying things like, “I love you too, as an ex-boyfriend…” is fairly wishy-washy; people like us in emotional states tend to look for the SLIGHTEST hint that there is hope. And it keeps driving destructive and embarrassing behavior. It does for me anyway.
There are a lot of great posts here…and from other people I’ve talked to…bottom line is, you can’t forget yourself. Keep pursuing what YOU consider to be important, and things will even out eventually. We humans have this crazy need to be in relationships to validate ourselves. Kinda f*cked up if you really think about it.
There are no absolutes, in my opinion. Hell, she could come crawling back, or you may meet someone soon who makes her look like a distant memory. I can tell you this…showing up and surprising her like that doesn’t do EITHER of you any good. At all.
Keep the faith.
Sha…
You’re absolutely right…there are others out there, and it does help to remember that one woman alone does not define who we are.
Our minds want to go back and fix things, and romanticize all the good times and minimize the bad times and it’s tricky to keep perspective. I don’t personally subscribe to that notion of there’s only one true love for us out there.
I keep having the urge to start dating other women, but I’m confused about how “healthy” that may be right now. On the one hand, I feel like I’d just be doing it as a “rebound”…not really good for me, or the new girl. On the other, 3 months of rehashing my last relationship in my head… and waiting for some moment to feel “I’m ready” seems ridiculous.
People say…”just keep it casual”. But how? I’m so distracted and still grieving, I guess. And not accepting yet.
Would appreciate any insight anybody has. Thanks!!
Steve your right, Im kinda kickin myself in the ass for showin up at her work….Wow!think I might finally be over this, Once again I felt the need to call her & after eating at me for so long I went for it…tried to see if we could meet up and talk. Nope, she said we will not hang out…yet she cant come right out and say that were done completely woulda made it a HELL of alot easier had she said that when she first felt that way right?Rushed me off the phone, because shes with “friends” and thats when it hit me like a ton of bricks…I didnt feel what I did for her (im not in pain like i was)why was I giving so much all along, yet she did nothing but cause me grief?Its like Ive finally woke up and see whats wrong, sure I still miss what we did have back then and feel its fucked up shes with other guys when theres one right here that loves/loved her…its such a fucking waste but there is not a thing in this world I myself can do to change that.I hear its not good to do the “rebound” thing but damn it, that sounds so good right about now!Sorry for draggin all this on so much lately guys…it really has helped thanks for the opportunity!Remember everybody theres a point to where you need to completely let go & not look back whatever happens… happens.Have a good holiday weekend!
Boy…I really went off the deep end earlier this evening. Just lost it. I texted her, to remind me again it’s over. And she did. And I lost it.
I then sent probably a dozen more texts, then a looooooong email. Just rehashing a bunch of crap. And letting out my anger. I felt totally out of control and desperate and angry. It’s not a good feeling.
She’s ignored everything.
All this is after 3.5 months since the breakup. And I broke up with her, remember. F*cked up, huh?
So, guys….be patient with me. And I apologize for this constant wallowing. I’m starting to think there’s such a thing as writing/dwelling on this stuff too much, to be sure. It may “feel” like I’m working thru it, but maybe all I’m doing is encouraging more bad energy. I dunno.
Thanks.
first off im glad i found this
me and my ex were together for almost 2 years, the second year bein an on and off thing.We met during my freshman year in college and She was my first real love, and i would have done anything to please her, to the point where i would disregard schoolwork, friends and family. big mistake. I even ended up spendin most of the money i had on her. real big mistake.
there was so many signs that she wasnt right for me, but i was blinded. she had a boyfriend back home when we met at school, whom she cheated on with me. I know thats wrong but for some reason i didnt mind because i was under the impression he didnt treat her right. this is something i will never ever do again.
She also had more experiece with relationships and stuff than i did. when we met i had just turned 18 and she was 21, and her boyfriend was 30.
But as always everything seemed so right in the beginning. i fell so deep in lover with her, i unknowingly started sacrificing my own happiness for hers.
eventually her boyfriend dumped her a couple of months after me and her started seeing each other.
and like a damn fool i sat there with her all night while she cried about it. of course i felt like shit, i mean, werent u happy wit me? what difference does it make if he left you? anyway for the next few months everthing was fine, until she seemed to become more distant during the summer break. a lot of times she wouldnt answer my calls and such. we couldnt really spend much time 2 gether cuz we both worked, and lived about 45 minutes away from each other, and neither of us had cars so it took a couple of bus rides and a ride on the subway to see her, (about a 2-1/2 hour trip all together), so i figured that was the reason.
well, when we went back to school this past fall, things got really bad to the point where she wouldnt want to see me, saying she needs her space. we broke up and got back together twice during this time.
Then one day me and her are at the mall, and who else shows up but her supposedly “ex” boyfriend. she says she has to leave with him. at that point i was fed up and just told her not to talk to me anymore.
She called me the next night saying she wanted to me to come to her room to talk. I went, and let her know i did not want to be with her anymore. she cried, and i guessed i cared about her too much, cuz i fell for that and ended up spendin the night with her.
I couldnt believe how stupid i was. She wouldnt even break up with her boyfriend cuz she says he was givin her money that she desperately needed.
But i put up with it. i stayed with her but things werent the same. i did not care no more, and did alot of things i regret. i talked and flirted with other girls, and ended up “cheating” on her with some girl back home. soon i met this other girl at school, got her number, spent the night with her, then dumped my girlfriend the next day. When the new girl asked about my ex, i just told her we broke up a few weeks ago but were still friends.
i spent the next couple of months with this new girl. we were never officially a “couple”, but we did everything that any real couple would do.
eventually i started missing my ex, and this past january we got back together,during our winter break. that didnt last long as when we got back to school i go to her room to this guy who we both know likes her sleep in her bed while she sat at her desk. now im pretty sure nothing hapenned, but just the that situation just let me know she didnt give a f*ck about my feelings, so i dumped her again and hooked right back up with the other girl, which was a big mistake. i stayed with her about a month until i started missing my ex again. this was when i was at my worst spending the night at one girls room 1 night then another the next. i could’ve never imagined my self doing this before. i know its no excuse for my actions, but the way i was treated by my ex reall messed up my perspective on how women should be treated.
anway it eventually blew up in my face, and both girls stopped talking to me for awhile. after realizing how terrible and wrong my actions were, i spilled my heart out to my ex, and we ended up getting back together again, but it wasnt the same. I did not trust her at all. I was questioning her all the time about dudes she talked to, logging into her facebook account, seeing messages of her giving out her phone numbers to other dudes and what not. when i confronted her about it in june, we got into a huge argument where she ended up breaking up with me. she called me next day but i was really rude to her on the phone because of games she was trying to play to make me jealous( saying she went on a date with another guy when she didnt, telling me she got engaged to her ex when she didnt, and saying she didnt feel bad about anything that she has done). that was about a month ago the last time i talked to her.
ive given in a few times and texted her to see how she was doing, the last time being about 2 weeks ago. most were ignored. i regret each one. i dont know for some reason i was happy when we broke up but then like a week later i was really missing her, and i still miss her. ive givin up on trying to contact her because i know how she is, and that would just put me right in her pockect. im trying to move on but im thinking about her alot more now than i ever did.
My school is also pretty small, and we have the same major. im really not looking foward to seeing her in any classes, and especially not looking foward to seeing her at any parties grindin on no other guy.
I know me and her were both wrong in the relationship, but i just loved her so much….i dont know. im just tryin my best to forget her. I know this post was extremely long, but i really wanted to get this off my chest, and writing it and remembering the bad things that had happened between us actually makes me feel better lol.
Right now im not looking for any serious relationship until im completely over my ex because i refuse to do what i did to the other girl to any other girl. i just try to keep my self busy working and this blog has hepled me alot. thanks guys
Wow you ever had one of those days where you think things are bad, couldnt possibly get worse right?So I checked my email this weekend….few messages from the ex, one brags about this new boyfriend (guy who works at a restaurant in her town, she introduced him to me as her friend) the other is a picture of them together.How nice huh?I blow it off try not to think about it right, well Im cruisin last night trying to keep it off my mind and guess who passes my car….yep she drives by with this dude in her car (she lives halfhour away,doesnt have friends here)are you kidding me?WTF?Then she calls, we get into it & she says shes pressin charges for harassment….is this ever gonna end?
Justin
Keep the e-mails as you can use them as proof she is a nut-case and twst things. If need be just say she is harassing you and sending you e-mails tryint o make you jelious so you will get back with her buy your not intrested, fight fire with fire.
Glad I found this, as well. I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday, and since then I’ve regretted it. I broke up with her because she lied to me, but I feel as if I want her back… but why? I’ve asked her if she’s willing to “take me back,” but I don’t know why… I am the one who broke up with her!
Nothing would make me happier to know me and her will be getting back together, but I don’t know if that’s right. I don’t know if things will ever be the same, and I sure as hell don’t know if I can count on her honesty anymore.
I don’t know what to do, though. Maybe I should just move on instead of having the intent to mend everything.
DLS,
I can relate to your situation. I was with the most beautiful girl (with an awesome tush as well), and I never thought I would be the one to end things but I did. She drove me nuts and and kept going out with her girlfriends totally forgetting she had a boyfriend. She didn’t care that it bothered me and had no respect for the relationship. I just had enough one day and I called her and broke up with her. A few days later I felt like you did. I felt bad and wondered if I made a mistake. Then I realized that she had not even made an attempt during these days to call me or see and try to work things out or even apologize. I quickly learned how cold she was and how selfish she was. At that point I knew I had made the right decision. I had enough respect for myself and I wasn’t going to let her walk all over me. It’s been four months now and I still think about her at times and I do miss her sometimes but I keep telling myself that it was her loss not mine. I did everything I could to make it work. I put in the effort, time , and energy and got ZERO in return. She didn’t deserve me and tha’s how you have to look at things. Oh and she lied constantly too. That drove me nuts. I couldn’t trust her or believe what she was saying sometimes. It was just eating me up inside. Hope this helps a bit.
Also, I’d like to agree, YES..girls can shut things down like no one else. It’s like they have this on/off switch. They can control their feelings very well and we’re just complete mess.
Lately she’s been calling but I don’t answer the phone and it feels really good. She’s not a priority anymore.
Hang in there guys!! What doesn’t kill us, only makes us stronger and ALWAYS remember that God does things for a reason. EVERYTHING happens for a reason!
Peace
DLS
With no trust there could never be a relationship and you would never be happy. I think you done the right thing. what you need now is closure and to this you need to go out and find somone else!
Seergio
I am feeling your Kanye West quote! Yes it makes you stronger as if it happens again you will know how to deal with it.
I have said many times here how women can be so ‘cold’. How they can switch off any emotion towards you and act like nothing ever happened.
Jay thanks for the advice…I will keep them “just in case” think the whole harassment thing was kinda a scare tactic, still pretty messed up though & indeed nutty.Even after that, what a shock it is to see the one you love move on so fast….I know it was inevitable but wow that was fast!Ive tried to do the same, cant do it for unknown reasons maybe just havent found the right one?It never ceases to amaze me how cold one could be for no apparent cause by me…Ive been eating myself up thinking about how/why she would pick this loser over me, Its funny though I went from that (being insecure thinking i wasnt good enough) to an almost cocky state where I think you know what little lady your the one who settled for less thats what you’ll get not my loss :) seriously wouldnt a girl rather give herself to someone who really cares for her and doesnt just “want a piece of ass”?Im ready to get out there & live my life, maybe she’ll realize what a mistake it was (or not, who cares right?)
Thanks for the replies!
She just called me earlier and told me she was staying in Texas a week longer (she went out of town a few weeks ago).
I was confused… why is she calling me? We’re not together anymore, and she doesn’t have to explain herself to me anymore.
I think she’s trying to play with my mind, I don’t know though.
DLS….
It’s still WAAAYYY early in the game for you. This breakup just happened. I would do my best to give things some space, and time. There’s a reason you pulled the plug. Honor that, and try not to interact with her…at least for a while. That’s what I would try and do.
Time has a great way of giving perspective. I’m learning that the sloooooooow, hard way. But it does happen.
Steve
Justin…
I’ve noticed too, that when I try and puff up my ego, and get cocky and say “it’s her loss”….it does help, but it’s temporary. I think there’s a good balance in believing in yourself, and not having to trash her so much in your mind. After all, you love/loved her and that’s to be respected.
Ultimately, she may very well realize someday how much she f*cked up by just hooking up with another bro. Whatever! Life’s too short to wait for such a crazy scenario…..you just can’t allow those thoughts to alter how you live your own life, minute by minute, day by day. Right now.
This does get easier, a fraction at a time. You will see things clearer eventually. There are a million women who would kill for a thoughtful person like yourself. Believe in that.
Steve
Damien…
How you holding up, bro?
First things first – WHAT A FANTASTIC SITE! I’ve read every single post (took me days) and every darn one has helped enormously so THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO’S POSTED! Whenever I needed a hug, basically, I came here and read, and read, and read…
So for now I just want to say thanks everyone – I have my own Tale Of Woe but I will share that tomorrow, if that’s okay.
To Steve:
All I can say is, I did the same damn stupid thing on the 4th of July, and now she’s blocked my texts! Don’t worry, it ain’t ‘wallowing’ – it’s what your heart and mind need to do to process everything. You sound way too intelligent to worry about your ex becoming an obsession – yet. Now, eight or ten months from now….:)
Wow – when I left the above comment I didn’t realize I hadn’t refreshed the page since the 4th of July (told ya it took me a few days to read everyone’s amazing comments!). Anyway, great advice Steve. And DLS (and Damien) hang in there!
I agree, great advices Steve.
I also broke up with my ex and I´m still swaying back and forth with my feelings. I know she does too but she dont say it out loud, I just can see it on her actions some times. Besides yesterday…
I said:
“I miss you sometimes you know. You know when you get hung up on those good memories.
Most of the time im ,ok, about it but sometimes I want to feel that I have you close to me.”
She said: “me too”
We had a nice evening together.
But this morning she asked me if I could go away for the weekend since her friends are coming over.
And for the 1st time for a while I felt sad this morning.
nvm, i continue this post later when I have thought about it a little more.
I appreciate the input Steve,looking back on what Ive written here & kinda feelin like…”Wow I felt like what?” All of this being a real self esteem killer itself, I agree it does help to remind yourself you are the shit! in moderation of course ;) I think the hardest part is the trasition from her being the main focus of your life, to yourself (that was my problem anyway,I put her damn near above everything and its very unhealthy)When your care about someone like that…The human mind has a way of tossing out the bad & making you think that person is perfect for you.
Mark, glad this site is helpin ya buddy!I feel the same way…Can relate with getting blocked too, found out yesterday the ex has been telling some of our mutual friends all kindsa cool stuff (blocking my phone number because I stalk her at work so guys have to walk her to car,I call her & friends constantly and also threatened to beat them all up plus the boyfriend)pretty messed up, obviously complete BS!But maybe make you feel a little better about your sit.?I understand full heartedly how you need closure (that was the case with me anyway, I didnt get a straight answer ever) Just be careful if you feel you must contact her…Ide advise against it, make her wonder!This was never the kind of girl that would make that crap up, or so I thought!Pisses me off because thats not something to joke about,You know the good side of it all though is it made it a hell of alot easier to get over her.For the first time in two months Im not depressed…feels great thanks guys!
Hi Guys! Just fell upon this site aswell as I too have suffered the pain of a bad break up. Long story short, she didnt and doesnt appreciate me. Where as I was the only one who was ever there for her and the first to do many things for her spirit, she left me again! I gave this woman so many chances and she failed each time. Now too I was the one treated like I was non exsistant, her girlfriends were more important and I got left in the dust. She said she needed space and time and I gave it to her on more than one occasion, she asked me to stay her good friend for now which I did, And when I called her I was hit with a wall of ice. I didnt get it, I thought we were suppose to be friends but she is so selfish that its at her convieniance apparently. So I essentially got fed up and said thats it, I told her never to call me again, never to come near my house or work. This was yesterday and no reply from her. In a way I feel better about the whole thing because after reading through this entire site and the pain you brothers have suffered I feel at home here lol. Its amazing what happens when you fall in love with someone isnt it. I feel more terrible now for ignoring my friends and family, who warned me from the start but I was blind. I loved this girl like no other man ever did, and I doubt she will even remember it although she remembers her other EXs and feels guilty about them. So who knows, one day she will have a reality check and realise what she lost. I may not be the richest guy out there or have the fastest car but I know and can be happy with myself that no man has ever loved her as much as I did. I dont regret falling in love with her, in a way I knew the danger, but still I find peace that I was able to love like this, and someday when the wounds have healed, I will love again. Im 32 she was 34 and I feel now I am the mature one, where as we always hear women mature faster than men. LOL yeah right! Stay strong guys! Its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, and the one that appreciates us and who we are, are the ones who deserve us, not the bitches we encountered. We learn from our mistakes, we see things in a different light now, we found what we value more and we know deep down as the old beach boys song goes “2 girls for every boy” Theres alot better out there for us, now its time they chase us and not us chase them! Thank you all for the hurt expressed on here, for us men to do that says something special about us….
Each day is a new day and after all…a hole is still just a hole.
You’re right Mark…I need to keep reminding myself that this is a process, and takes time. If after 10 months I’m still behaving like a fool, someone please kick me in the head.
My Tale Of Woe – Part I:
While we always assumes every tiny detail is critical in explaining one’s situation I will try and keep things relatively coherant, and short. IF that’s possible. LOL But mine is an out-of-this-world drama.
My story is similar to Steve’s in one major sense – BIG age differance. Actually, the same exact age differance as Steve and his ex, just subtract five years for both of us. That means I’m 38 and she’s 22. So, here goes:
We met two 1/2 yrs. ago on a photo shoot (I’m a part-time photographer and web designer). She was (and is) a nude model – six feet tall, 140 lbs, AMAZING body, just gorgeous. But I could tell something was “up” with this girl. We became friends tho (we instantly liked each other), and remained so for a year 1/2, NO SEX or even dating. Over the course of our friendship I discovered this about her:
She has a very mild case of Cerebal Palsey, which means she walks with a slight limp. AND she has BiPolar Disorder – intense mood swings. She left home (Ohio) because of her verbally-abusive father and emotionally-absent mother, came to NYC with no money, lived in a homeless shelter for troubled girls for a year while she was doing her modeling. She never got into drugs or prostitution, miraculously (so many in her situation have). Eventually, she had to leave the shelter when she turned 21 and she settled into a roommate situation (she makes a lot of money modeling – about $100 an hour and up).
During this whole time we were friends, and she was dating a boy – “age appropriate” but this girl is THE most mature, self-aware human being I have ever personally met. She hates guys her own age and simply does not relate to them. She eventually broke up with this guy and when she told me she expected me to say, ‘Great! Now you’re mine!’ But I didn’t. The age thing, she had just left being homeless, she was intense and kooky, and I had not had a girlfriend in four years so I was naturally reluctant ANYway, ya know? So I blew her off for four months. All my friends said I was nuts – “This girl is HOT! And she wants you BAD! What is wrong with you?” But I had never been friends with a girl before we started dating and while I felt this extraordinary connection with her from the instant we met I was scared. Scared she would leave me, that she was too immature, if I could even “satisfy” someone so young (did I mention, because of her BiPolar Disorder, that she has an INTENSE sex drive?). PLus, I was living in NJ at the time, not NYC. It felt like a long-distance thing even tho we hung out a couple times a week. Plus the ONLY contact I had with her was her cell #. I didn’t really know where she lived, who her friends were, etc etc. This girl had/has major trust issues.
But regardless, exactly one year ago this Friday (our Anniversary. Sigh) we “hooked up” for the first time. She had pursued me, again and again, saying, “I think I should be your girlfriend”! So, seeing her in tiny shorts and a halter top and nothing more, I gave in. That 1st night (it was at a hotel since I had no place in the city to take her) she said again: “I want to be your girlfriend”. I put her off, saying “I think we should date casually first – we’re friends, and we don’t know how it will be as lovers.” No avail – she wanted it NOW! LOL
So I agreed. I really DID (and DO) love this girl, like no one I ever have before. Yes, it’s confusing, her being so young, unstable and with her physical and mental challenges, but what can I do? I just plum love her, ya know?
Well, the first six months of our “dating” was Hell. Two weeks after that 1st hook up she said she didn’t want to be my girlfriend! It’s too much, she said – she was enrolling in college, on her own (I said this girl was/is amazing) and she felt overwhelmed. It had taken me SO long to say Yes that I fought her, and for months we would go back-and-forth, one minute “together”, the next, not. During this whole time, I found out later, she was having sex with at least half a dozen differant guys!
To her, sex had ALWAYS ALWAYS just been physical. She never had sex with anyone she actually cared for. And, being formerly homeless, with few friends in NYC, she would use sex as a way to, yes get laid, but also to make friends, to feel some kind of connection. I always suspected – I was in NJ, after all, and she was “on her own” five, six days a week in NYC – but I ignored my suspicions. Finally, around Xmas 2007, she “turned the corner” (her expression)…
The juicy stuff follows.
My Tale Of Woe Part II:
Xmas 2007 she comes to my house in NJ and stays an entire month. No girlfriend had ever met my family, let alone moved in with me, so this was unexpected and fantastic. Turns out she had been sleeping with her roommate (also her personal trainer) and wanted to get out of that situation but didn’t know how to. Plus, she was due to go back to school in Feb, in Brooklyn, and needed a place to stay closer to college. I wanted to move back into NYC anyway so we agreed to live together. We went to her old place and picked up her stuff, terrified her roommate would discover her and have a confrontation. He was home but in his room, screwing another of his clients! So we got away – and went right to this apartment we found together, in Brooklyn, three blocks from her school. It was affordable, and newly-renovated, and unfurnished. The first two months there things went well – she went to school, I worked from home on my websites, and I furnished the apartment by putting almost 3 grand on my credit cards (furniture, tv, bed, etc etc).
She had decided, back during Xmas, that she truly loved me, and wanted to be, for the first time in her young life, monogamous. She broke off all contact with her slew of “fuck buddies”, and stopped modeling, concentrating on school. She seemed happy, and we truly loved each other.
Then, around April, she sank into a deep, deep depression. School was overwhelming her, her family issues were surfacing again (every time she thought about her mom, dad and siblings she just cried). She stopped going to school altogether, and laid around the apartment watching reality tv, day after day. She rarely showered, barely ate, never left the apartment or talked with her friends. Meanwhile, I’m trying to hold everything together – paying the rent, shopping for food, cooking, everything. At this time, the company I worked for went belly up and stopped paying me! ZERO income for almost two months! And since I worked from home she was always there – sad, depressed, all the sex had stopped. I became more and more tense and the arguments – the first ones we had had since the past back-and-forth summer – started. I would raise my voice and she would cower; it reminded her of her verbally-abusive father. I didn’t know what to do. We setup an appointment with a therapist because even she admitted she needed treatment, and probably medications.
In June, five weeks or so ago, I left to visit my family in NJ. She was supposed to come with me but stayed in the apt. The next day she told me she wanted to break up, that she wanted “her life back”. i rushed back to the apt and begged and pleaded with her to stay. She sat there, stone-faced and angry-looking, and left anyway.
I was sick with confusion – what to do? I did what it seems every guy on here did (and many still do, to some extent): I called, and texted, and emailed, and begged and cried and pleaded…I felt TOTALLY abandoned! The only reason I was in this apartment, in this neighborhood, was because of her! And I couldn’t afford the place on my own.
Still I heard nothing from her. Then, a week later, she answered my 500th phone call. She said she’d be willing to come back to the apt but only as a friend – she knew she didn’t want to be in a relationship right now. Stunned, I said no – how could we take a giant step backward like that? She got upset and hung up. No word from her for almost 3 weeks, depsite my calls, etc.
I didn’t know what to do! She had left with just her summer clothes, leaving tons of her stuff at the apartment – clothes, school books, her laptop. It was like she just got the Hell Outta Dodge! I didn’t understand why she felt the need to RUN like she did.
Since I hadn’t heard from her, and wallowing in all her things day after day was slowly killing me, I chucked out all her stuff. Four garbage bags and two boxes worth (I kept the laptop). I even threw out the dishes we bought together.
A week ago she answered one of my texts. She said she had a new boyfriend! But her story sounded fishy – I knew, after a month plus, that she would be out there screwing around like she had been last year, but a boyfriend? I ignored her comment. Then, this past Sunday, she called me, drunk, from her family’s house (she went back for a birthday party or something). We talked and talked, but I didn’t feel any love or warmth from her. Yes, we discussed the events I described above, and more, but at the end she says that she had a “psychic flash” that we would be broken up for six months and then she would ‘remember how much I loved you” and return to the relationship. I was stunned.
(A WRINKLE: We had begun writing a movie project together in January. Three weeks ago my agent called and said Paramount Pictures was interested in buying the still un-finished screenplay! They loved the idea – it was our story, how we met, etc. Kind of “two ugly ducklings turn into swans” kinda story (when we met she was bald from a hair photo shoot gone wrong and I was a hundred pounds heavier than I am now). I obviously told her about this. She responded, but always in a cold way: “When will I get paid? That’s all I care about” kinda thing. She was back in “Survivor Mode”, living at a friend’s apartment (a former fuck buddy who is spending the summer in Europe), maybe her BiPolar Disorder was kicking in (Mania always follows Depression) – whatever it was, she didn’t sound like the girl I knew and loved. I told my agent about the breakup and she said to try and work it out, for the sake of the project and mega-bucks. I told her I was trying…)
During this drunken conversation she kept mentioning the movie project. But, given her “psychic timeline” I felt like she was manipulating me just to get paid – like, keep holding out hope for this poor shmuck while we write the movie together, make a couple hundred grand, then poof! The whole time I would be thinking we were destined to get back together, checking the calendar – is it six months yet? – and having my heart kicked in, again and again.
I hung up the phone in a nice way and processed what she had offered – friendhsip for six months, write the movie together, MAYBE reconcilliation.
I talked with my agent, my lawyer, my best friend, my mom – everyone, it seems (and now all of YOU. LOL). Everyone says this girl is using me, doesn’t really care, etc. But, still, I love HER – and can’t seem to let go.
THE FINALE: This very day she called me, told me she was still angry at me for not treating her well during her Depression. I told her I couldn’t do the six months thing and she just said, ‘Okay, that’s your decision”. I asked her to meet (we haven’t seen each other since the day she left our apt) and she said ‘maybe’. WTF? She also let it slip she’s seeing an old fuck buddy of hers, probably today. I don’t know what to do, how to handle all this.
I want her back, of course. I want to write this project with her, of course. I want to be her boyfriend again, of course. But she doesn’t want me, is still angry at me, is seeing other guys – it’s SO overwhelming! Plus, I threw out all her stuff! OMG I don’t know what to do.
I suppose I could use this writing project as some kind of leverage but what would that entail? Total manipulation? The thought of spending the summer chasing her, with no gauruntee of success at the end, kills me. But having her in my life, in any capacity, seems better than the loneliness I feel now, in our apartment all alone where we used to live together.
Anyway, enough for now. Thanks to any and all who took the time to read this Epic! LOL I know I should just move on, that’s what everyone says, but I’ve been with lots and lots of girls in my time and, well, I just plum love HER, ya know?
Thanks again everyone. let it fly! :)
(Sorry about the length guys – I’ve been holding all this crap in for over a month and it all just spilled out. And this was ‘edited’! Anyway, thanks for reading. :)
MARK–
First off, you need not apologize for your post being to long…that is what this is here for Brother & Im sure like most of us it feels damn good for you to get it off your chest!That is indeed a very frustrating situation.Im going to begin by saying something I know you’ve got to realize….She is not good for you!Ive said it elsewhere on here the mind has a terrible way of making you think the person you love is perfect for you in every aspect.It sounds to me like she has some problems that are only going to bring you down with her, no matter what even if things run smooth for however long…From my experience most girls that had problems like that at home are more likely to cause you pain, dont know what exactly it is maybe lack of being taught otherwise?Anyways combined with being bi-polar, in my opinion is a receipe for disaster!Yep I know what your thinkin, duh right?You know that but the heart wants what the heart wants.It sounds to me like you have alot going for you right now, & she wants to milk it…Realize buddy that as bad as it is being alone, no matter how bad you hurt its better than being treated like shit!Its hard, I know even rougher given the pure hell shes put you through.She wouldnt mess around on you had she really cared!Believe me there are always women out there that will appreciate the man you are and treat you the way you truely deserve!(and thats a hell of alot better than she did trust me on this!!)For every dark night theres a brighter day, you just gotta find the strength to carry on in the face of adversity.Good Luck, and hope you do whats best for you :)
yo im feelin good right now…and i owe alot of it to this site! lol i look at it this way…its her loss and my gain…she will have to settle for some other dude who will treat her worse, and she’ll do what she does and cheat on the dude…so theres no reason for me to be jealous. She lost the best thing that ever happen to her, and i know i can give other girls the privelage of improving their lives by putting me in it
Good Attitude Damien!I feel the same, still battling with the urge to make that phone call however….Nothing to say, nothing at all but cant help but want to it sucks.
Thanks for the kind words Justin. yah, I tend to go on a bit, and on…:) And I hear ya man – whenever I do communicate with her now it’s always, always leaves me in more pain, and that should be a clue, right? Like yesterday – we talked for a bit, I asked to see her, she didn’t quite say ‘no’ but didn’t really say y’yes’, either but the bottom line is I haven’t seen her since she left our apartment, and that’s been almost 1 1/2 months! And she doesn’t feel the ned or desire to even meet me for coffee. True, she probably IS ‘milking it’ but then why wouldn’t she want to meet up? SO strange. Anyway, thought about her all day, ehld out hope she’d call in the evening to meet up, she didn’t, and I feel like crap. Sigh.
So I sent her an email and she says she’s spending time with her little brother and that’s a priority. Yes, I understand – but my point is, ANY contact with her just makes me feel so much worse so it’s time for that NO CONTACT advice so wisely given here. let’s see if how long I can hold out (hopefully forever). Thanks again!! (And good luck with your situation – hurts like hell, I know.)
Good for you buddy, wish you the best!Looks like you got a good handle on things now…As for my situation, I moreless burnt that bridge just now(like there was anything left of it anyway haha!)Just keep busy it helps me alot, we’ll meet the women soon enough that we deserve & vice versa!!
Dont feel bad guys, I screwed up aswell last night! I called the ex and even though I did absolutely nothing wrong, I was met with a block of ice. I asked her why she sounded so mad at me and it was like she hates me, she got aggressive and replied “right now I have to hate you…go on with your life and Ill go on with mine” I was left slack jawed wondering what the hell I did to hurt her, and there is no answers! I know for a fact I did nothing wrong!!! She says right now she needs to be alone and doesnt want anybody in her life. I said ok but she wanted to be friends at one point and when I called to see how she is I was met with anger! I think she is depressed about something but have no idea what it is! I just dont get the misdirected anger towards me. Is it possible if you get too close to a person, they lash out at the one who cares about them? I know she doesnt like herself….past issues, but still I never judged her. I am just so lost and confused! Sorry for rambling….my mind is everywhere today/
For what it’s worth Don I get the same thing, that’s why I have to STOP ALL CONTACT. it gets you nowhere, in the end. The anger? here’s My Theory: Sometimes, when you love someone SO much, and you leave (or, in this case, SHE leaves) you have to get in touch with your anger and stay there, feeling angry, so that you can move away from the person you love. Maybe the anger comes from her thinking “I used to love you and now I don’t, and I’m angry that I don’t love you anymore. it’s your fault.” Or even if it ISNT “your fault” the anger thing is still big motivation for them. it’s what keeps them away. The “I have to stay angry at you right now…” comment is the clue, I think. Her anger is not ‘reality’ – just what she needs to go through in order to stay away from you. Underneath that anger is probably fear – fear that if she sees you, or acts nice to you, she will crumble, back-slide, go back to loving you, then feel the fool, and guilty, too.
This is what I tell myself to ‘explain’ my ex. LOL But with chicks, who the heck knows? maybe it’s all hormones.
Thanks Mark it would make sense. Because everytime I felt she was falling and was mine, is exactly when she bottled up and dumped me. I have no more anger towards her, she just has too many issues she needs to deal with. I just keep thinking, my life was great before I met her, it went downwards after I met her…Tells me alot. The harder she resists me I now belive its because I did get too close to her, and she has too many skeletons she needs to deal with. In the end I smile…loving her made me realise all the good in me and what I sacrificed to give her….who was in the wrong right? I gave all of me, it wasnt enough…therefore someone else deserves this and not her. I do really wish her the best and who knows maybe she will call, I will pick up, because I am better than her, and now more wise…We all should remember that. The more we show we need them, the further they push away….WE DONT NEED THEM! We like screwing them thats all…and the ones that really love us wouldnt put us through this crap right? Ignorance is bliss.
hey guys.i started out with my ex in a really strange way,she had alot of issues with herself,she would go out and if someone gave her enough attention she would take them home and have sex with them(same happend with me)the thing is i was the only one that didnt left the morning after,i talked to her i heard what she had to say rather than pulling my pants up and sayonara.well the thing is she had been lying to me ever since.for example i asked with how many guys she had slept with in the past months she said 3 and some time after that i pulled the same conversation and she said 6.anyways we were together for 1yr 3mnths,we had amazing times together but also alot of fights.she had/has a big problem with alchohol,when she drinks she gets fu#### and flirts like a whore if im not around.we lived together for a year and within this year we broke up several times,mostly,i admit,cos of my will to go out and just have fun with friends not wanting to be controled by her.i cheated on her and she never knew but she has also cheated on me.one night she told me she was going out with a friend and the morning after she came home at 8am drunk and half naked saying she didnt remember what happend and even though she told me later that she had fuked with a guy she always said she didnt know how it happend and why she had done it.we broke up for 2 weeks,in this time i had my share of girls and it was really fun but some how i wanted to go back to her and so i did.things were never the same again ofcourse,after what has happend we had to start using condoms cos she didnt use 1 when she fuked with the guy and im really conscient about the dangerous of stds,it sounds wierd i know but just that fact affected alot our life together.proceeding,this happend 3 months ago and ever since we were kind of ok until she we had a small fight over nothing and i thought that it would really be better to end up the relationship rather than just hurting each other more and more,she said no,we could make it work,until she went out and did the same thing like the last time(came home at 8am completly fuked even though this time she says she did not have sex with anyone),we broke up,and i know there is no way it can work between us but somehow i cant let go.she still writes me and calls me saying that it will work and that she is hurting etcetc.i cant even understand myself cos i wanted to be alone,i wanted to be single,i wanted to mind my own business and not have to give explanation to a partner,and now that i am single and free everything seems stupid,like it doesnt work good without her.i find myself wanting to be friends with her,to start of new with her,or even just have some kind of “not so serious” relationship with her.one thing that kills me is that as i said before,when she drinks she gets bitchy and going out and drinking is all that she has been doing in the past 2 weeks,so it kills me to think about her fucking with another guy.oh and by the way i see her almost everyday cos we both live in a small ski resort so i see her all the time when i go out or so.
Mark….
Just read your story. Incredible. I was riveted!!
I think, down deep, you know the answers to a lot of your questions. And it’s great to come to a place like this and just get it all out. Helps clarify things, in your own mind. Sure helps me anyway.
I certainly don’t need to tell you that you deserve a healthy, stable relationship. One you can count on thru thick and thin. And the one you’re describing definitely doesn’t sound like one of those.
I know it’s really easy for the heart to drown out the head. And to focus on the positives of your time together. Love is a strange, powerful condition. But ultimately, this erratic behavior is just plain ole’ damaging. There’s no other way to describe it.
You’ve got to ask yourself….is this relationship, what it’s done to you, what it’s DOING TO YOU NOW…is this the kind of person you want to be? Is this how you want to act? I know that helps me when I think about making that 500th phone call, or drive to her house and sit outside. I just don’t want to be that guy. It’s not me. So consider yourself, and your actions. I know it’s hard….just pause for a moment. It helps.
Now, you and me….we got this large age-difference situation with the younger woman thing happening. I know it would be in my mind (my situation and the age difference), but I would dismiss it and say ‘it doesn’t matter.’ In hindsight, I think it kinda does. I mean, it’s an experience thing. This woman of yours…only 21 I think?…..jesus, she’s barely lived yet. I know you said she’s got a maturity to her, and I totally believe it. But she’s just not had the chance to learn the hard lessons several years of being in relationships bring. How to treat a man. How to respect herself and compromise and get thru the hard times and still love each other without all the heartbreaking drama.
Another thing to consider…the grieving of the loss of a hottie. I know it’s partially true in my situation. Have you thought about the possibility that much of this isn’t even about her, specifically? Are you remembering the hotness and the sex drive and the nudity and all that….are you not wanting to let that go? Would you feel this way if she were just average and maybe a little chubby? Might be something there.
I feel for you brother….and you got this screenplay thing happening. No reason that can’t move forward, without her in your life. But you gotta keep reminding yourself: she has to help herself first and be happy before she can EVER bring herself totally to share a life with a great guy like you. It’s the honest truth.
Keep us posted, bro.
Steve
Re: the anger….chicks making themselves angry at you, etc….
We all have ways of coping with breakups. Seems like chicks have this great capacity to shut themselves down when stuff disintegrates. Can happen when they do the breaking, or if they get broken up with. I know my ex was telling me she loved me “with an intensity she wasn’t used to”…several days before the breakup, then wouldn’t talk to me a few days after, and hasn’t called me in four months. Interesting, right?
Check this out…a famous quote from a play called the “The Mourning Bride” (1697) by William Congreve. “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.” SO F*CKING TRUE. They get pissed or want to move on, and they become ice….total queens and know they got you where they want you most times.
I personally don’t subscribe to the “holding onto the anger” thing. There are so many unhealthy coping mechanisms out there: getting drunk, f*cking a new person, staying angry (or sad or hurt or whatever), hanging constantly with friends, staying “distracted”…all seem like they help, but ultimately, the mind will f*ck with you. Bring you back to your grieving process. Believe it.
I really think the best thing is feeling your feelings, without getting carried away by them. Keep moving, but don’t constantly distract. Don’t dwell on mental images of your ex f*cking some guy, or all happy in their life now. I can guarantee they suffer as much sometimes as you do. They just won’t give you the satisfaction of showing it. Why not treat them accordingly?
Our minds are trying to help us get thru this…is just that we need to thank them for trying, focus on something more important, and keep living our lives one day at a time.
Wow Don – a lot of sex going on there. You, her, she, another guy, you, other girls….sounds to me like you all should take a break for awhile anyway, get your respective heads straight and maybe things will cool off enough to sort all this out. But hey, if you wanted to employ the “fill your ‘her’ hole with another her” strategy it might not be an issue for you! Keep cool man – sounds like, in a day or two, the situation could change again. These breakups seem to be fluid affairs, as they say. Keep strong!
Hey SORRY – I meant PAUL!! (Maybe Don is getting mass tail, too, who knows?)
Hey Steve – was leaving the post for Don/Paul when I noticed your post. Thanks so much for the kind words! And I hear you – yes, the ‘hotness’ is definitely a factor. She used to walk around our apartment naked ALL the time, just walk around…whew. What a body! I would just look at her and see this amazing beauty. So yes, that’s a part of it.
And the age thing IS huge. That’s probably the main reason I dragged my feet for well over a hear 1/2! She’s 22 now but still acts, at times, like a hurt little kid, because that’s really what she is.
The Update: We talked briefly today. I have to leave for LA this Sat to work out this screenplay thing and wanted to meet with her. We haven’t seen each other since the day she left the apartment 1 1/2 months ago. But she put me off again and now, now that the day has worked itself out, I feel like I don’t want to meet with her! Or, more specifically, I DO want to see her – but just to tell her I can’t write this project with her, and the reasons why. (Basically, can’t put myself through the heartache) I think she would just pretend to care long enough to write this project, then discard me like a used tampon. I know this because that’s what she’s already done! And I’ve seen it done to other people (by her). I don’t beleive she would consciously manipulate me like that but that would be the end result.
Anyway, thanks for reading (and the great and helpful comments – I’m going to read them again right now) and will let ya know what transpires this Friday (when she indicated she might want to meet). And keep strong on your end buddy!! :)
Mark wish you well with the screenplay (and everything else for that matter!)Im sure things will be fine for you..As for me I got a phone call from my ex’s father(we were pretty close)he was very upset about all the things hes heard, we got everything straight & he expressed alot of sympathy for what she put me through…really meant alot coming from him of all people!I let him know I thought alot of him & his family and really missed being around them, he said the same and in fact her little sisters ask about me constantly… I must not be too bad of a guy aye?I thanked him, and said I appreciate all hes done for me (free dental work, etc.)then he suprised me more by telling me to come see him if I ever need to talk about anything at all. Think I may take him out to lunch. Made me feel pretty damn good, he didnt have to be like that at all.
heya,Now she wants to talk to me try to make this work again!!for god sakes im so divided.on one side i have all my friends telling me that me and her working out is not gonna work cos we have broken up so many time,and im a bit afradi to disappoint these people that care about me.and on the other hand i have her telling me maybe we can work out,that maybe she cant change and make it better for us,and me telling myself that i cant stay without her,even tho i know i can,i know i dont need a girlfriend to live my life i dont need it i know.but i dont understand why i shud be aching like i am if i could just go bak to her and feel good again.!!!the sittuation is so fuked!!!when im with her we have like AMAZING TIMES(sex,going out,chilling at home etc)but also i feel the need to go out with my friend and all.and when we brake up all i thibk about is that i want to get back with her and stay like that even tho i know soonner or later i will want to be single again.help me out guys
Hey Paul – Sounds to me (and I am in no way a doctor or therapist or anything like that) that there’s a little sex addiction thing going on here? OR, you just need to decide what it is you really want. Sounds to me like you want it both ways – a girl at home who you can screw anytime you want, and who will always be there, sitting and waiting for you and you alone, AND you want to hang with your friends and screw anything else that comes along. Now, maybe this is what ALL guys want! LOL No judgements – whatever you want is okay. But it’s my experience that the real world doesn’t quite work that way. Girls have egos, too, so they want to be “the one” who keeps your attention.
I think if you spent some time with yourself, and really examined what it is you want, not just from this girl but from life, it would help? Barring that, the roller coaster will probably continue. And hey, roller coasters can be fun!!
Whatever happens my point is, you have to be “true” to yourself, and not act on what other people may want for you. Good luck!!
I dated this wonderful lady for over one year. Long story short, we didnt’ talk for 3 weeks after breaking up, when all sudden she called me. Our conversation was nice and cool friendly like when we started talking about being together again… She says we can’t for right now, but then I became too desperate and angry that she said “we cant’ be together for right now” and that I really wanted us to be together again. My angry emotions took over and I texted her telling her that “i hated her” and “thanks for breaking my heart.” I was drunk that time… but the next mornign i got an email from her saying she was upset with my text and that we can no longer talk nor can I be friends with you b/c your spiteful and mean!
So I’m hurting, that my heart is broken twice from a gf and now losing a great friend over one angry night… it’s not like i cheated on her you know… so weird.
I was like “damn” so
I dated my girlfriend for 5 1/2 years. We had a little break in 2005 and sure enough got back together and it was great! I have been happy ever since. Then about a month ago my girlfriend went on a cruise and came back totally different. She started having mixed feelings about if I was ‘the one’. I can’t really blame her because this is both our first relationship (high school sweethearts). She was concerned that our sex life was not as thrilling as it once was and I think she saw that her slut friend was having this spontaneous sex and got a little jealous. So after a couple weeks of things being different between her after the cruise, I decided that we probably shouldn’t see each other. It’s been a month now and have only talked to her twice. She said how much she can’t stop crying and she can’t comprehend it and feels like she made a bad decision. We met up on Sunday for a dinner / movie and it was so amazing, I really missed her. She said she thinks we should take it slow and try and fix things. I am scared because she has already broken my heart twice and I don’t want it to happen again. I just really love her and truly thought we would be together for the rest of our lives (I am fucking crazy about this girl). We are meeting up today for coffee and I hope we can talk some more about whats going on. I think the time apart is good as much as it hurts. I am trying to figure out what is the best for me without her in the equation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, this has been so hard for me.
Well, it’s over now. Completey!
Me and my ex were supposed to meet today and discuss this screenplay thing, and to see if we could work together somehow. So I called her to set up a time and she tells me she’s seeing her new boyfriend tonight and doesn’t know if we could meet! Naturally, I got upset and we “got into it” over the phone (yes, I know – giant mistake). Anyway, long story short she refused to see me and hung on me.
So: I called my agent and told her the ex is OUT! LOL There’s some financial fallout from this but ya know what? i feel relieved! This new boyfriend of hers has NO IDEA what a psycho she is, and a slut, and a really mean person. But he will (if he sticks around long enough). As for me, it’s time to move on – a full month 1/2 is long enough to pine away for someone, and to keep getting kicked in the gut. Am I right? Can I hear an ‘Amen!’? LOL
Anyway, thanks for the responses and for reading my stuff. Here’s what I learned: When she doesn’t want ya back, it’s over – the rest is just accepting that fact and moving on to the next phase of on’es life.
hang in there guys – time (supposedly) makes all this crap easier to deal with. :)
Amen, Mark. Just remember, if you stumble again, you’re only human. But good luck and stay strong, and focused.
Thanks Steve – hope you’re doing the same! I dunno tho – do ya think the older we get the harder it is to find someone new? After dating someone so young, and with such an age differance, what’s it gonna be like dating a, say, thirty-something? Hmmm….a real woman with a real life…wow, what a concept. Have you found anyone new? has anyone? LOL
Its gonna be fine mark,it always does or mate?My ex keeps writting me and calling me and trying to make me get jealous when we are in the same club.Now she says she misses sex with me and if it is a good idea to do it.i know i isnt its really really wrong actually,but to be honest i want to!!i also want to see what wuc ome out from this..any suggestions??
I just wanted to throw some other sided input about these girls and the way they act. I was living with my gf for about four months when she told me, “I love her more than she loves me.” I was shocked and devastated and was extremely upset for about a week. She said all kinds of things to me that just hurt in that week. She told me that she had a date with some new guy and that she couldn’t believe that she hadn’t kissed anyone new yet. This hurt me more than anything in my life. I grew up as the star basketball player at my high school and i never had a girl leave me. It hurt me to see how much I hurt these other girls because I did the same thing to them that she did to me.
Anyway, after another two weeks we started to talk again. We agreed that we have tons of fun together, but what really bothered her was my history. I’m on probation and don’t really get along with my parents, she is the exact opposite. Long story short we got back together and everything seemed great. I was happy and we talked about getting married. Everything seemed to be going great. Until yesterday.
I had a sense for the last week that something was just a little off with her. She told me everything was fine and I even asked if she wanted to break up. She said no and that she loved me and that she was going camping with her friends, but she would see me tomorrow. I spoke with her that next day and she said she loved me and would come see me in 30 minutes. 45 minutes later i got a text saying to look on my car. There was a note saying how she just couldn’t see us having a future and that she’s happy that she tried us for a second time so she has no regrets. It also said that if I really love her that I’ll let her move on.
All I know is that I wish we never got back together and my advice to any guy out there is if you feel like it’s not working or if she leaves you and you think you want her back, YOU DON’T!! She’ll just do the same things and hurt you again.
GOOD LUCK MEN!!
Mark….I haven’t found anyone new nor am I looking. I know I need to be in a different place for that to happen. Hopefully soon.
My thoughts are with everyone on here struggling. We’ll all get thru this crap, guys….keep the faith.
Good to see most of us are doing alot better now…what a trip its been huh??Ive been struggling hard still (although gradually doing better!)Does anyone else have times where you think to yourself “wow,we’re not together” like its a suprise or something?I think that alot but tell myself its reality and past time to accept it….I feel well overall, since my last posts I havent been thinking of her near as much as usually which is alot easier on me (thank god!)However Ive been having dreams about her lately,and sometimes wake up wanting to call.Its really crazy to think she doesnt even look back & from my experience so far moving to better things (people)does help but just doesnt feel the same at times….What doesnt kill ya only makes you stronger right?Well after all Ive been through Im thinkin Im a strong mo-fo!haha!You were right though Mark, find out the answers for yourself (what you want/need that is!)I had an interview last wednesday, looking to hear back from them this week its a hell of an opportunity thats gonna almost double my pay if I get it (wish me luck!!) Just remember who comes first guys, take care!!
Today it’s four months since I broke up with my girlfriend, and I cannot for the life of me just let it go. I suffer almost daily from a combination of guilt and anger and sadness and anxiety and depression. It’s not even about her, really. I guess anyway. But I just feel lost without her around, and scared to move forward.
The fucked up part is….I wasn’t into her that much sometimes. She would be so clingy and jealous (the reason I did the split). But she was also very affectionate and truly did try to make us a stronger couple. But I can’t get perspective. I can’t remember the whole picture. And it’s killing me to be alone now. It’s a beautiful summer out, and she’s probably kicking it with a new guy, and it just crushes me every single day.
I’m still texting her and even went to her apt yesterday…just in so much pain about this thing. It’s embarrassing behavior and not the guy I want to be. I really hate myself lately.
Bottom line: I have guilt that I pushed her away. And loneliness and regret. If I can learn something from it all, it’s that we need to REALLY REALLY REALLY be sure that ending a relationship is truly what we want to do, do it the right way, and never, NEVER fucking look back.
I wish I could do it.
Steve I feel ya on like every level you expressed up there ^ …We looked forward to spending summer together so much, it was suppose to pretty much be our last time together before she left for the army (be gone for 4-5 months)Anyways I hope you find the closure you need with your situation…I know how hard that is, takes alot of time especially when you really care that person alot as I can see you do.Not a day goes by I dont think about Jaime, it sucks but as much as it does its slowly getting better (not every few minutes, and im not as depressed)Really drains you as a person I know!Im still holding on to the thought that one of these days shes gonna wake up & realize she gave up the best she could ever ask for (this guy right here ;) )But is it right for me to hope for that & probably take her back if it does happen…NO its not, and neither is thinking “I hope this new guy makes her feel every bit of pain she brought on me and then some” but hey who doesnt want that right??Dont beat yourself up over man, its a losing game just know you made it your whole life before you met this woman and your happiness shouldnt depend on her (easier said yep)
Went away ffor the weekend, to spend with family, and couldn’t stop thinking about her UNTIL Sunday. My family had a part for my mom’s best friend, who’s been married 52 years!! Wow – twenty people over and, at first, all I wanted to do was hide, and cry. But then I tried my best not to think about her, celebrate this wonderful couple’s half-centur of love and commitment, and when the party was over I fell asleep on the couch. My point? When I got up I WAS SO EXHAUSTED!! And I wondered ‘why?’ – I hadn’t done much, physically, for a while so it must’ve been…yup, all the emotional crap I’ve been going through. My body just released it all and I collapsed, not having realized how much my sub-conscious was continually working on these feelings, draining me daily. Sound familiar? LOL
Steve: I feel for you, I truly do. Maybe because we have the same age differance thing going on? Days pass, we hold on, it sucks and sucks again! But then I realized 9and we’ll see how long this holds true for me) that I could stop the pain anytime I wanted, just by NOT thinking about her! You see, she has never initiated contact since she left 1 1/2 months ago, so I don’t have to worry about the temptation of picking up the phone when she calls. True, I have to control myself but I AM (as well all are, ultimately) in control of our own emotions, and behaviors. Theoretically! So that’s making it a bit easier for me, bit by bit, realizing that I have total control, at least over myself.
Justin: I feel for you. I really do, and you’re right about it getting easier, slowly. I, too, hold onto the hope that she will ‘wake up’ one day and realize her ‘mistakes’! LOL But that’s a fool’s game, really. i mean, it could happen, life is weird and filled with unusual twists and unexpected turns, and none of us fully knows the future, but chances are great that ALL our gals have moved on. It helps to think that you had a life before this girl 9as we all did), and that, at one point, she was a stranger. This means we’ll all have lives AFTERWARDS, too – it’s just really hard to get through the emotions. Like Steve, I, too, was looking forward to the summer, as you were, Justin, looking forward to spending time with your love and experiencing so many fun times. It does kill to think that the girl we loved is probably out enjoying this summer with someone new. BUT that ALSO means that we, too, can go on and find a “summer romance”, and enjoy the next couple months before we all let it slip away 9the summer, I mean). Maybe that will help Steve, too – try and find just a Summer Companion! Someone to do fun things with but in your mind know that, come September 9or whenever), it’s over. helps give control back, in a way.
Oh sigh – why can’t they just come back, right? LOL Maybe theyre bot supposed to? maybe the Universe has plans for them that we cannot participate in, as I’m sure the Universe has plans for US, too.
Stay strong guys! I know I’m trying to…:)
Steve, Mark and Justin,
I feel you guys on every level. It’s been four months since the break up and last month I asked myself the same question. “Are we really not together anymore”??? It’s like death. This last month I’ve been feeling pretty good. Until today :( I stopped by my ex’s house and saw her. We talked for a bit and she told me she was kind of talking to some guy. Then it just went down to hell after that. I tried to convince her again to be with me. I don’t even know why!! I know deep down inside I truly don’t want to be with her. She’s not for me and I go back to thinking why I broke up with her in the first place. I’ll be honest guys, the only thing that really bothers me is thinking of her sleeping with this other guy. I’m not going to lie, I too had hope that one day she’d realize what she had and come back but after talking to her today it’s pretty much a done deal that we’re never going to get back together. That’s ok. I don’t want to force anything. You can’t MAKE her come back and be with you.We have to think positive. The end of something marks the beginning of something new. EVERYTHING HAPPENDS FOR A REASON!!! EVERYTHING! There are so many girls out there it’s unreal. Yes I know, they might not be “her” but somewhere out there is that one person that will appreciate you and be considerate and be HOT all the same time then your ex will be history…It’s just going to take time.
Thanks for the wisdom guys…really helped out!Guess as much as we try to deny it, its a good thing these women are out of our lives…I mean had it not been for whatever happened whos to say later down the line it wouldnt have been something else (maybe worse??)I am doing alot better, but got completely tanked last night and couldnt help but think about things at first you know the typical sadness and regret but in reality what is there to regret???Ive read you guy’s posts & thought about my own situation as far as I can see theres not a whole lot could be done to change the inevitable. I think that goes for you guys who ended things too…I mean I came so close to ending what became hell for me several times, either way it wouldnt make a difference.Sure theres things I would have done different,would of been alot better to her & surely wont take anything for granted ever again…still these are the people who were “suppose” to love us?Give me a break,Im over this love crap…I think you merely get attached to someone, its selfish if you think about it.A relationship is like a temple with two pillars, now if one pillar falls the remaining cannot bear that weight forever. Let it collapse its not our responsibilty anymore right?If any of you are still struggling with the phone calls or whatnot, my advice is give it a break your better off stepping back regardless of your goals (moving on, winning her back or whatever)Im not one to believe in fate. I feel ever decison we make contributes to our future or “destiny” if you will.Wow my bad for getting into all that, just my two cents for the time being!
Ive read and learned a great deal here. I honestly thought that I was the only one feeling the way I did. I Just got out of a 6yr relationship 2 months ago, and even though times are slighty better for me now, I, like many of you out there, have those “bottom out” days. Looking back, I realize now that my relationship was never a healthy one. When I met her she was dealing with a guy in the navy. I think the long distance relationship started to take a toll on her bc she drank heavily. There were also other “red flags” that chose to ignore, such as sleeping all day, frequent mood swings, etc. With all of this noted, be it from boredom or simply having the “hero syndrome”, I decided to pursue her with the hopes of changing her life. (Yeah, I know,story book bullshit. In the beginning things were pretty good. Yet, although I was her Sun, moon, & stars, there waws still something missing. She wasnt able to give me the mental stimulation that I needed. I began to see other women & tried to keep on the low with great effort, but the 6th sense of woman in not to be fucked with. Once the trust was lost, my life was hell. I was constantly trying to prove my whereabouts and my intentions, and the relationship became more work than fun. When that happens-depending on the woman you have-its truly over. Believe me fellas I have alot to spill but im trying to keep this entry as short as possible. I miss her dearly. Calling, sending texts, flowers, cards, & expensive gifts, dont help. And even though most of our bad outweighs the good-i cant seem to shake her. We both had alot invested in the relationship and splitting up not only was tramatic emotionally, but was financially as well. HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORN! So my comment to all my bothers in recovery: if nothing else, this is a big learning experience for us all. We all have done our share of dirt-and im sure its much more that we care to offer on this site-but if you really think about it could you handle 1/10000th of the shit that you dished if she gave it back? I know I couldnt. We must put ourselves in the other persons shoes and imagine what they are going through from time to time. Then and only then will we grow from this experience and not carry the baggage of guilt, lust, jealousy and everything else negative from the previous relationship over to the next. Because if you do…look to be visiting this site again & again & again. Hope this helps some of you guys.
Craig, yeah man this is a good place I agree helped me grow alot so far its kinda like we got a support group type thing goin lol!Seriously though, I had the whole “hero” deal goin on too like Im the one who comes to the rescue & replaces the bad guy which is all cool I guess, ends up with fights & all sorts of crap but feels good at the time and in her eyes your the shit (happened to me last two times)then it dies down and fizzles out all that trouble for nothing and right back to being by yourself.Indeed when you see those warning signs, its time to take care of it or end it RIGHT AWAY!I know what you mean it can be anything but you do recogize it whether you choose to accept or ignore it determines how exactly things will turn out…like I said dont postpone the inevitable guys, you’ll kick yourself in the ass over it!!
The thing I learned is to never, ever take a relationship for granted. Me and my ex moved in together, after two years of her pursuing me, and begging me to be her boyfriend and roommate. So when I finally – finally – did so, I let out a sigh of relief, ya know? it was like, ‘Okay, NOW everything will finally be cool!” and then went about my business, trying to work, etc. But after a couple months living together things started going downhill, and I didn’t address the issues – I just worked harder, and tried to put a happy spin on it. Communication is always key and I regret not talking with my girl more, finding out what she was going through. I just assumed we would be together forever (especially since it was SOOO difficult us getting together in the first place). But really, all I did was take her for granted. Well, she split and showed my ass! So there’s a lot to consider (as I’m sure you are all feeling – i.e., regrets) so now the “game” is to simply learn from those mistakes, and not beat myself up over them.
Because, really, I’m not a bad person. I doubt any of YOU guys are, either! LOL It’s just sometimes we get lazy, or take stuff for granted, or just get wrapped up in life. Some girls (and my girl was totally this way) need attention, and special care, and if they don’t get it they will look for it elsewhere. Sigh. it sucks, but now I’m in the ‘lessons learned’ phase (as maybe many of you are?). Let’s see if they CAN be learned, and applied to the next girl (because she WILL come along – for all of us. Hopefully not the SAME girl cause that would be weird…)
Mark, you’ve hit on something here. And it’s the crux of why I feel bad a lot of the time. Basically, I didn’t handle the end of my relationship like I wanted to. I didn’t have the serious, sit-down honest conversations two people should have when problems arise. I didn’t share my feelings in a non-confrontational way with her. I disappeared and ran away and pulled the plug and now I want to take it all back. I’m stuck in a whirlpool of regret and self-blame.
Now, mind you…AND THIS IS IMPORTANT…we still may very well have ended up apart, like we are now. God knows we had some struggles. But the decision would have been more mutual, and there would be some clarity, and sharing of responsibility. I basically robbed my girlfriend of the chance to voice her opinions on the matter. (I mean, yes, I did complain about her jealousy, many times, and even offered up counseling…maybe I’m shortchanging myself retroactively…) Thing is, she put a year’s worth of effort into our relationship, just like me, and I just shut it down. Blindsided her, and it’s no surprise she’s done with me.
Mark, you are so right…life gets in the way. We get distracted, and wrapped up in our own miseries, and the chicks do suffer, because they do need our attention. A little goes a long way, gents. Think about it.
I’m not trying to romanticize things here…bad relationships definitely need to end. Maybe mine did for sure too…thing is, I’m just not positive (certainly wasn’t then, although it seemed like I was), and it drives me mad.
These are the lessons I’m learning. Can’t seem to forgive myself yet. But rest assured I won’t be making these mistakes in the future.
Mark, Sergio, Justin…and all the rest of you guys…thanks for contributing to this thing. It means a lot to the rest, and to those who don’t post anything as well. Keep being honest about what’s happening. It’s a great outlet to try and find some perspective.
Don’t forget to keep living your lives, though. Overanalyzing this stuff can be just as painful and paralyzing. Later!
Alot of you guys are going through serious shit,i give all my support mates,we know that in the end we will go over it.
My sittuation is getting worse and worse,as some of you know my prboblem is trying to NOT take her back.I know and i tell myself that me and her is just not gonna work again and i want to not think about her and move forward,but i have her writting me all the time asking about me feelings and all of that and i cant just tell her to fuck off basicly cos i dont want to push her away which is stupid from me.Now why are things getting worse?2 days ago i was out clubing and i found her,we didnt talk nor even said hi but theni noticed she went out of the club and a friend from her came to me and told me that i really should go out and talk to her cos she wasnt doing good,well i did….and we ended up having sex in a public toilet and then going home together.well the day after that she started asking me if we could try again etc etc etc
Anyway the point is this girl is no good for me,she has cheated on me and putted me through alotta shit with her problems with alchohol and bitchyness,but i cant stop myself from wanting to be back with her and have back what me and her once had together…
Hi lads,
i posted my own messages and thoughts going back 1-2 months ago now if you have a look and check out the stage i was at. whats interesting is that i do still come on here occassionally, not so much to read the messages but just how many people are writing there own stories – i said it before, but we’re not alone, and we’re all going through the same feelings or will do at some time in our lifes.
its been just over three months and there has been little if no contact with me ex – yea its been hard, but after the killer first month it really does get better. so anyway i thought i would have a little catch up on some of the experiences i have had since and my thoughts and i guess advice to each of you.
my job has been my main focus – its bloody hard to concerntrate at first but try to vent the anger you have somewhere else(say sport/gym/writing it down)….then you can start to excel again at your career.
i said it before but you need to love yourself – you will find you need no one but yourself and oddly enough thats when you are at your most attractive state – so get on it boys.
i went out one nit and saw my ex – she jumped into my arms sayin i love you, miss you etc and that she wanted to meet that nit……wow i had seen the girl i loved for three years again and it was great to just hold her. i went to that club and saw her – but she was whispering in some either guys ear on dance floor – there is absolutely no feeling i can use to describe this. and it knocked me!! – so i had to use it to get over her again, at least i was further down the line than before.
a month after…..
girls – now i learnt that going on the re-bound isnt great – for me that is….i had a really interesting experience. one nit, i thought okay make an effort, dress up, new aftershave and all that other tarty bollocks when you wanna impress. i was on fire – speaking with lots of girls in the clubs me and my mates went to – i ended up leaving with two girls and going back to there house. now that sounds great……but when you havnt been, thought of or even considered being with another girl since you have been in 3 yr relationship, you do start thinking?/
both of them carried on the drinkin and i started to sober up…..i didnt want this…..i didnt need this……the reason for it is i still hadnt let completely go of my ex. story short there was a small bit of touching, and i pretended to fall asleep – much to there dislike. i made a very swift exit in the early hours of the morning.
recently a friend who i had not spoken to for five yrs contacted me – and we have kinda totally hit it off as best mates again – and believe it or he is going through a break up, with one of the worst, deceitful girls i have ever met – i did find it amusing and straight away i thought another guy just like me and everyone on here!
i have been on a blind date recently. which is completely new for me…..she nannies for my boss and is absolutely gorgeous – we went for drinks, food, even bowling, and ended up taking off our shoes running into the sea(she lives on beach) and sharing a kiss in the moonlight; perfect blind date? lol now this kiss represented me moving on as it was with a girl i was extremely attracted to and meant something.
i do still think of my ex lads….each day, but i have moved on mountains since – if you read my last posting you will see that i touch on looking at the bigger picture and trusting it will get better.
yea it will.
yea it takes time – trust in time it will pass.
dnt go looking for love elsewhere…..you’ve gotta love yourself and remember what a decent guy you are.
the reason it hurts so much, is because of how great it is when you have it!!!
each day now….you being on your own, brings you closer to meeting the next – how call is that……fate has it somewhere written already or at least planned. that girl is out there right now waiting to be found, but you need to find comfort in yourself first.
sorry for the way i write, spelling etc, and the flow…. but its how i am thinking…..
top tips -
dont look for love – it has a way of finding you when your not looking!
love yourself!
accept the situation now and that you cant do much to change it!
time – is ticking away….slowly your healing…..slllllllooooooowly without you realising it!
make sure you eat and make yourself feel great by doing things you love!
finally smile – when you feel sh*t, smile, when you feel like crying, smile – you control whether you feel down – at least put a happy face on….it does somehow make ya feel better(usually when i have felt low i smile and it just makes me laugh as i no im in control and that life is just great that i can actually feel these feelings).
keep ya chin up lads, the clocks ticking and your gonna get beter. life is wicked – embrace this as one day you’ll look back and laugh – just as you probably can about obstacles you have overcome before.
NOTE: this site is fantastic, creator – well done. my only suggestion would be to get a book published on the articles and thoughts.
Peace out commrades Matt – Essex, UK
Hey Matt,
Great story and great advice. Similarly enough, its been 3 months since my breakup and pretty much two months since ive been in contact with my ex.
Its hard sometimes when you sometimes have some downtime that you think about your ex. I have been going through that but lke matt said, time heals all wounds. Instead of thinking of her constantly like i did immediately after the breakup, there would be days here and there where Im busy doing other things (I have a graduate exam to study for and ive taken up the gym again) so thats made me focus more.
I couldnt agree more with matt on this point that the better you feel about yourself, the more confidence you exude..and guys, what do you think ladies dig, yep you guessed, Confidence. Obviously, your motive shouldnt be to do stuff to impress ladies, its all about impressing yourself and realizing your potential. ITs your life, dont let anyone (Especially a girl who may have mistreated you) affect it. And like I said, down the road if its really important you’ll find maybe even someone more deserving of you :)
Right now Im feeling great, thanks to everyone on this website, its really helped.
Matt….awesome comments. It’s really true. This notion of self. It’s everything.
I read on another similar blog about breakups, a very interesting tidbit:
“The main two pillars of a stable personality and therefore the main premises for a happy life, are:
1. Complete and unconditional self-love
2. The very personal purpose in life”
It’s powerful stuff. It resonates with me. So much of the struggle has to do with this uneasiness with ourselves, and our lives without a certain person. Pure rubbish.
Why one woman would have so much power of us is just nonsensical. If you take it apart…it just evaporates. We can and should live and THRIVE by ourselves. We can CHOOSE to have a significant other, a partner to share things with, but it isn’t a necessity.
We have every right, and duty to live a fulfilled life for ourselves. And Matt’s right…it’s so attractive to the chicks. When you’re centered and happy alone.
I really believe it…don’t look for love. It will find you again. Don’t put your life on hold until you’re with another person. It’s a total waste of time!
Thanks again, Matt!
I have a good friend (who I am relying on a lot these days) who’s older, wiser, and just “better” at relationships. Even when he breaks up with someone, or gets broken up WITH, his attitude is much the same as Alex’s. He never panics, or gets the “never get laid again blues”. Even if he has to wait a while before he feels ready to date again he just chills. He exudes confidance because of this. Women like him. He looks like a hedgehog, only not as cute.
Love not only comes when you least expect it, it’s like money – if you’ve got tons of it everyone will want to give you more of it. Got none and ya can’t find any. Love is kinda like that – start with loving yourself SO MUCH that you don’t feel like you need any more. Then WHAM! There she is, THE love of your life.
Let’s hope so. Can’t wait to get to that 3 month mark…:)
Well its gonna be two months in exactly a week…why even keep track though?For the longest time I would look at my calender and think its been X many days since she came to see me last,since or last kiss…etc.Its a losing game!I guess as much as Ive gotten over things & feel better theres still that part of me that hurts and cant help but try to make sense of what happened and why (which I know can NEVER happen!)so why let this eat at me on occasion?really its beyond us right??I just feel like her giving herself to another is the worst betrayal I could ever imagine…Its dumb really, kind of possesive I suppose but in my mind she was all mine & vice versa (what a joke!)I just hope to god I dont see them together, we have some fairs going on in the area & I can totally see her coming down to “rub it in” so instinctivly Ide like to beat him to a pulp but really what will that do??What do I have to gain from it, nothing…What do I have to lose?More than nothing, suppose Ill be the better man and give her a big cheesedick smile thats if shes lucky probably just ignore her altogether.
Through all of this, I see several girls come my way & more less go out of thier way for a shot with me…Now what the hell was/am I thinking being all depressed over it???Fear of the unknown/being alone, since Ive been single Ive…
-quit smoking pot
-got a new job that pays 2x more
-stronger physically/mentally
-working on getting new ride
So what am I missing out on now?Besides guaranteed sex,the fights/bitching,spending all my money on a girl who doesnt return the favor….hmmm who came out the winner guys?Seriously think about the good stuff it will most def. outweigh the bad in the long run!
It’s the Little Things that get me. I walked past her (former) school today, and remembered the little things – eating at this bagel shop, buying pillows at that store…it’s times like these that I need a place like this to come and remember why it’s all gonna be okay. I hear ya Justin – I did the same thing, actually (no pot, working out, etc) abd I try and remind myself NOT TO COUNT!! LOL But then I get home and there’s the “change of address” confirmation in the letterbox. OMG! Just another little thing – “fuck you buddy I MOVED!!”
Sigh.
It does get better, right? :)
@ Mark
Man it does…..i was feeling like shit for the longest while due to my break up of 2 months ago(2 1/2 year relationship)…and just reading this entire thread made me feel sooooo much better…..
They may have been great girlfriends but they ain’t worth all this heartache they cause….
Take my word for it..I was feeling like this pain was would never go away……and after just reading these posts i cud definitely envision my life without her…….and I’m not sad or anything about it….
It seriously just needs time……and support
All the best to the guys in here and keep up the good work
Things will be better before you know it
:-)
Thanks man – Friday night, no GF, a hundred effin’ degrees outside…thanks. It all helps. And listening to Pearl Jam helps, too (and Rush, and Invubus, and never, ever COLDPLAY, and The Who – especially The Who – and Bob effin’ Dylan. And Lou Reed. LOL)
(In – CU – bus)
funny how the “little” things leave such a big impact…for me thats the worst part, If Im lucky and go a day without her crossing my mind I see a place we did something (its funny though bittersweet if you will)everywhere I go theres always memories. From the drive to local mall, the mall itself, & even my own home!Was at a friends house last night where we attended a party just over a year ago…it was right after my graduation & man was it rough just bein there!
Tec your right, time has helped a WHOLE lot…I dont know how this will sound but in a way when the pain came & then started to fade it felt good, I opened up to my surroundings.Not sure how to explain but this hurt I felt made me feel alive as ever…Joy wouldnt feel so good if it wasnt for the pain right?Its weird how its gotta balance itself out.Hmmm I apologize if that was a little too deep or made no sense but I think it did :) By the way Mark, good tunes def. make things alot easier right??I just make sure to hook up the ipod everytime Im driving to prevent hearing all the crap on the radio (sappy,overplayed love crap!!)jeez im sick of it!!That or Ill hear one of our old songs, use to tear me up but I sung along yesterday & didnt feel half bad :) yay for movin on!Any recommendations for good stuff listen to??Not real picky but I get down w/ alota classic rock
ok so last night she sent me a text asking if i was at this club…..
Got me wondering why? Is it she was there and wanted to see me….or was she making sure i wasn’t cuz she and her new guy or friends were going…..
Quite frankly it didn’t matter cuz I’m committed to the no contact rule and I didn’t even bother to text her back….
But why text in the first place? She’s the one who locked me out of her life so why should she care whether I’m around or not……
Either way..it felt goooood not to care :-)
Tec: AWESOME MAN! NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT! With my situation, the girl NEVER ever initiates contact so it’s not something I have to wrroy about (overcoming the temptation to answer, pick up the phone, text back etc). That just leaves me with my own (lack of) self-discipline! it’s up to ME not to text her, call her, etc. Some days are easier than others but way to go man – leave her be, she’s just ‘pinging’ you (a navy term about Sonar – send out a signal to see if anyone’s ‘there’, ya know? it’s BS).
Justin: Here’s a list of stuff I’ve been listening to lately:
Pearl Jam (all 8 studio albums, any one of ‘em are great)
Jethro Tull (believe it or not, it makes you transport to another time/place – like midevil europe, or the dark ages, or knights and horses and flutes. Wild)
Pink Floyd (try picturing your ex during ‘One Of These Days’ – imagine her face PRECISELY at the moment when the SCREAM comes! Don’t do it stoned unless you want nightmares but MAN is it powerful! Haha!)
Rush (any of their 70’s albums – again, transports you to another time/place/feel)
Yes (the real trippy stuff – 10 minute-long songs are a great distraction)
AC/DC – the Bon Scott years (talk about unleashing some rage!)
The Who (but watch out – some of their stuff is LOUD but highly emotional, too. But great for rage unleashing)
The Moody Blues
Supertramp
Stevie Wonder (NOT his love songs – go for his early 70’s ‘funk’ period)
Bowie
Lou Reed (depressing, yes, but awesome, too, and ultimately cathartic)
Southern Rock – Lynyrd Skynyrd, The Outlaws, etc (kinda daft but also kinda rockin’)
Anything by Bob Dylan – after a while his lyrics are SO dense it will take all your focus just to figure out what the F he’s talking about! Awesome.
The Stones – especially the sex and drugs stuff from, say, 1968-1978.
Bruce Springsteen – especially if you get the urge to drive, drive, drive (away from all your/our problems?)
CCR – they rock AND they take you to a weird, unusual ‘place’. Great.
This list could continue for pages….:)
Hope that helps a little!
Justin, Mark, and Steve:
Since my split 2 months ago, I have kept close relationships with many women…in fact all women. Even though my plate is full (chicks falling off left and right) I still find myself thinking about her early in the morning and right before I crash at night. Although realizing this is key, its not my point to you guys. Thanks to my women friend–My point is this…lets say the ex calls, tries to contact, or just shows up wherever u you are:things are fantastic-your ego is almost totally repaired-you feel that warmth begin to shatter that ice forming in your chest–that “her hole” is slowly but surely filling–your appetite is starting to return–you take back to the crib and have the most explosive make up sex/love you have ever humanly expericed….life is grand! What you must understand that things have changed since the split. Niether of you are the same people, pain has taken place, anger & hurt has taken taken place, resentment has taken place, growth has taken place, a level of respect has been lost between the both of you. All of these factors must be considered, and in doing so, all of you must realize that the relationship: WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. Whatever caused the break up is and will be still there. Punishment will most likely be her main motive.And after all the demeaning things we have done such as calling, crying, begging, to get them back, you had better believe that her level of respect for you has been comprimised. Know this: If you thought
bad times were bad before-you have yet to experience her full wrath if she returns. Careful what you wish for my brothers in recovery-careful. I hope I dont sound negative here-this is advice that i have received from countless women, and who better knows a woman than a woman? For those of you who have done your share of dirt as I have (and you know who you are) there is really nothing waiting back there for you but revenge and punishment. You made your mistakes now grow from it and dont repeat them on your next round. Theres nothing else there for you. Let it go and move on.
Well tonight the ex called me…i didn’t answer of course…..then she sent me a text saying it’s really important….
So I returned her call and she said she’s in a lot of physical pain and she doesn’t know why….and her family’s not in the country so she wanted me to come be with her…
I was like wtf :-|
At this point i wouldn’t have even cared, but from experience i know little pains like this cud actually be more severe than it really is…so i went
While I was there she kept telling me random uninteresting things about her life currently but i was very unresponsive towards anything cuz i seriously cud care less….i was just making sure she was comfortable….
Now here’s where things got strange…
When I finally decided to leave…i asked her if she’s ok now….she responded,’well if i wasn’t wud u stay longer’? I was like, ‘No, it was a rhetorical question….and I’m leaving’.
At that moment, she leaned forward to kiss me…I mean nose on nose touching here….but i pulled away….and so did she….and i left immediately.
I was like what the hell?!
Mind you she has a new boyfriend….
I was more pissed than anything also…
How cud u tell me u don’t love me the same way anymore, start a whole new life without me in it and then do shit like that?
I seriously cud care less about what that ‘mistake’ meant…I just didn’t see that coming any which way.
Oh well….not like it’s gonna affect my sleep tongiht.
Craig, I think your points are valid for sure. I look back at my relationship. It wasnt that long, but man did I fall in love with that girl. Anyway, the background for me is that
I’m a college kid heading to my senior year, part of me wants to talk to her still but things got a little messed up and I KNOW she won’t see me with the same respect that she once did.
I was dating a girl 2 years younger. Anyway, we connected so well but as I mentioned in a previous post..things got dicey when she cancelled shit on me at the last minute.
For example, I was running a late-night fundraiser kinda thing that she said she’d help with and then we would hang out afterward, but an hour before she decided she wanted to stay in for the night and study instead. Shes even overslept for dinner reservations one time.
Anyway no point in further mentioning stuff but its just so inconsiderate of her to do things like that you know? Obviously if she wants to study, good for her but tell me in advance! She did that numerous times too… not just for studying but also because she wanted to do something with her friends or just stay in etc. I cancelled stuff with the boys so I can hang out with her and then she cancels last second? Of course I confronted her about this but she got really pissed and said I overreacted, this was the beginning to the end of our relationship. I knew we had to address these issues so I wanted us to talk things out (because whenever we did we’d both feel so much better)but she didnt want to which led to the breakup.
What troubles me is that I know she has a good heart (maybe not…), so part of me thinks that she is just that way and its somethin i had to adapt to. But I know that no matter what, as also said from my boys who consoled me in a way, I dont deserved to be treated that way.
Its been rough for me because Ive been home all summer, isolated from the social scene. Im hoping when I go back to school it does get better.
Its crazy, but I know many of the guys here will agree. I feel that some days I realize how she mistreated me and how I deserve better and that I know theyre “plenty of fish” in the sea so my spirits are high. But there are other days where, like justin said, you pass some familiar spots and then your heart just sinks as you think about some good times with her and realize that you miss her.
AS ive learned, its a slow process to heal…it just stinks, ya know?
It does stink, Sha…and sometimes no amount of “insight” about the realities of your relationship will stop you from feeling sad and lonely and all that. I’m like you, there are times I realize that what my girlfriend and I had wasn’t so good, and other times I’d go back a million times over, and accept it all, just to be with her again. It’s crazy.
For me, it’s especially tricky. I am prone to depression anyway, and it reared its ugly head DURING the relationship. She would even misread it as disinterest and take it personally. So now I’m finding things obviously VERY hard to rebound from…considering. It’s definitely a hindrance to my recovery.
Craig….wow, that’s some good stuff. I have to admit, those words are hard to read. It’s not that I don’t agree…it’s just a bitter pill to swallow. The “it’s over, let it go” pill. I think you’re right, though. Every bit of the dynamic has changed, yet the reasons for split are most likely still going strong. And the notion of her taking shit out on me if there was a reconciliation….very scary.
Thanks to all for the continued postings.
Hey Guys,
just found this website and boy im glad im not the only person feeling like crap after breaking up with my GF. I thought I was going mad since she was turning up in my dreams and couldnt sopt thinking about her – even after 6 mths and having met couple of new women… great reading and has already helped in the day spent reading your comments :))
One thing I have is that both my ex and I belong to a professional organisation where Im the national president and my ex is the president of our local branch which happens to be mine as well… so trying to get her out of my mind and not see her has been impossible since we still have to interact thru this organisation… i have cleared her from most parts of my life except this and its now at a point where we are attending same functions (both have to go to)… so does anyone have suggestions on what else to do??
Hi all. The comments you have left seem like my own story. I went with my girlfriend for 2 years. We were so close and for 23 months, she adored everything I did, as I did also. We would be in contact all the time, every moment together was fantastic. Then came the last month. Mean we always had the arguements as every relationship has but always seemed to get through them. Her ex boyfriend before me has always bothered her since we started to go out but I never let it get to me. She said (surprise surprise) she could never see herself with him again.
Anyway she told me one month ago she wants some time to herself. She has went though alot of family problems in the past year, I though… fair enough. I must admit I have felt alot of pain throughout my life but nothing compares to how I have been feeling. She seems to have moved on and is in contact with her ex boyfriend alot. Life goes on I guess but I get myself down alot. I obviously still really love her but I know deep down i have to move on. I know there is no point dwelling on past experiences with her as they just make you feel worse. My biggest problem is I just cant see myself with anyone else. I have been out a few times with my mates but the only girl I think about is her.I have chatted to some beautiful women but am just not interested. is there something wrong with me,lol!
I know all the cliche’s, time will heal etc etc etc and I genuinly believe that is absolutely right. Does anyone think if you love someone enough they are worth fighting for? I dont believe in showing her im miserable as this will make her feel all the better. She called me last week rather p!ssed off as she herd I was getting it on with my ex girlfriend. I never showed any anger in this but thought it was a little harsh as she ended the game with me. I want to get my life back, whether it is with her or a new life on my own, I want it back. Im fed up feeling down and out
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
cheers
Mark great advice on the music…glad to say I totally agree!Good stuff man, really been getting deep into the CCR, Aerosmith & Floyd lately.Its amazing the impact music can have on life, for me anyways it can change mood/perspective in an instant…Almost magical!
Craig your post was indeed somewhat something no-one here wanted to “acknowledge” but its the cold hard truth and in my opinion needs to be accepted.If my ex approached me now, I know I would still feel for her as much as ever…(its wrong why should I after the pure hell shes put me through?!)its messed up really, Im sure most of you feel the same too but like you said as much as that would make you feel “on top again” so to speak, you will infact fall twice as hard and is it worth it?Sure you can always put away your pride and give it a shot…who knows maybe that could work?The odds arent in our favor there however!!I know in my case it was probably one of the hardest things Ive ever gone through & do not plan on going through it again but if so Ive grown enough to know what comes first (ME!) Ive made it this far, I dont intend to further my own suffering & sacrifice anymore of myself for a woman who doesnt respect me as I deserve…your right so much has happened since then & no matter what her true colors have shown better now than later right?Damn it feels good to realize all of this….Everytime I read these posts I feel like Im getting closer & closer to the old/new me and I love it!Thanks and good luck guys, keep us updated :)
Martin…I feel for you, man. It’s gotta be tough moving on and still having contact. I guess what I would try to do is just keep interaction to a minimum. Take the high road always, and keep it professional. Try and not “avoid”…run away or compromise your standards, just to make it easier on yourself. Stay present. Remember what you value, and it most certainly will get easier over time. It has to.
Andy…there’s nothing wrong with you. You should be alarmed if you’re NOT feeling this way right now. It means the relationship meant something to you. You gotta grieve it. Two things I know bring nothing but additional pain and suffering: 1. making yourself look (to her) like you’re going thru hell because of the breakup. Does nothing but strengthen her resolve, and make you look weaker. 2. entertaining thoughts of her and the ex-boyfriend. If there’s one thing I’m fairly good at in my own situation, it’s not dwelling on thoughts of her with someone else. Because, pure and simple, it’s torture, and does you absolutely no good. Plus, you can’t possibly know what’s really going on.
What a nice website.
So I just tried getting back together with my ex. What a horrible idea that was. Good thing I prepared myself for the worst by thinking she wouldn’t take me back.
So, long story short she tells me to come by and pick up a jacket and my Sunny DVD set. This is immediately after she decides that we’re not right for each other.
I told her that I didn’t want to drive all the way to her place in Pasadena to pick it up and that she could either mail it to me or leave it at my place.
She got really upset and asked how one minute I had strong feelings for her and the next minute she didn’t matter anymore.
I just told her, “Well you decided that I’m not worth fixing things so you plummeted down my list of priorities. Don’t turn things around and argue that my feelings are meant to hurt you. They’re my feelings – not yours.”
We ended the conversation by saying maybe sometime in the future things could be different. But I’m not going to hold my breath.
Some guy Luciano mentioned that he was a good looking guy, but with no game. I’d say I’m in the same boat (good looking, in shape, smart, etc).
I just REALLY have no game. And she was the only girl I felt comfortable with. She was the only girl that I went back for. It seemed like she was the only girl I truly impressed without even trying.
But. I just have to move on. If she thinks I wasn’t good enough, then I don’t want to put in an effort for someone that BLIND.
There are other girls out there. I just don’t know how to talk to them. Plus most of them are dumb. Too bad she wasn’t.
:(
Marin & Andy: Steve said it perfectly. Nothing I can really add, just think of ANYTHING other than your ex with another guy. Shudder.
Justin: You’re welcome – the list is growing so I’ll add as something strikes me!
Craig: Wise words – here’s my update:
She contacts me via email and tells me she’s going back to College – the one she went to last year, the one close to where I live now, where we used to live together, the place I am in ONLY because she went to school nearby…
So when she left she didn’t want to go back to school. Maybe this is why it was so easy for her to split – didn’t need me or the apartment anymore. Now she’s going back – insane!
Not that she’s returning to school (good for her, really_ but because she has to TELL me!! Just messing with my head or what? Seeing if there was a way to return?
These things troubled me all night last night, didn’t sleep, couldn’t sleep. Today I call her – she doesn’t answer. Sends me emails saying she prefers to talk via emails ONLY. We get into an argument and I say, “That’s it. I’m done.”
Craig: time to move on, bro, just like you said. Nothing but more pain where we think there’s still love. Wise words.
Keep yer spirits up mates!
Update here:
So tonight the ex sent me a text. Here it is:
‘I find the new u and your new kindness overwhelming. I dint believe u before but I feel like u wud be here for me in an instant. Thank u. I do believe you are one of the greatest people I have evr had the honor of interacting with…Thank you for loving me n thinking I was worth it….It was all I ever wanted’
This comes on the heels of the incident that happened Saturday as i mentioned in a previous post…..
So i went outside to smoke a cig and she was calling…she called like 5 times :-|
When she finally got a hold of me, she started explaining what she meant in the text…..she mentioned that she’s missing sex also……so imagine she’s got a new guy and she’s telling me this. Hmmm…..
Eventually i was getting bored and I told her I’m just glad she knows the truth and this conversation is over. As i was leaving she asked me if i could ever see her in my life again as a girlfriend….of course she threw in the 5, 10 year timeframe……i just said Goodbye and left.
Where the hell is all this coming from?
When I’m finally decided I’m ready to move on? Anyways, at the end of it all, I didn’t think much of anything. I an NOT gonna set myself up for disappointment so I’m just gonna pretend this never happened.
Any thoughts guys?
Thank you very much for the advice steve. You make alot of sence. Your bang on the button, the relationship did mean alot to me. Think ill just play it cool for a while. Leave her to do her own thing and ill try get on with my own life. One saying I keep repeating to myself gets me through this. “Live with no excuses and love with no regrets”. As cheesy as this sounds I dont regret anything. Just wish I showed it more. Thanks again. Ill keep you updated.
Thank you Mark for your input also. Ill try focusing my thoughts on something or someone else for the meanwhile. I liked your quote from before.. “never take a relationship for granted”. Thats so true dude, Its something I did. How is your cituation working out?
On a positive note I can now put my entire focus into my golf as I did before I met her.
Tec: Way to go man! wish I handled the situation like you did. Whenever she calls im so glad to speak to her. You handled it perfectly. She must see that youve changed and are becoming stronger. Im no expert but I guess she sees your moving on and wants what she cant have again. Good man! I could learn a thing or two from you!If its meant to be mate, its meant to be, but for the meanwhile enjoy your life.
Thanks again guys.
It’s been a month since my girlfriend broke up with me and i was only with her for 8 months but she was my first love and i’ve never felt so hurt by anyone in my life. She broke up with me by a text suddenly and gave no reason. She sed she was confused but wasn’t going to change her mind. She said it wasn’t me and the reason she couldn’t do it face to face was because it was too hard for her…but she never realised how hard it was for me being so stunned confused angry and lonely at the same time. The hard thing is all my friends are her close friends and they all agree she has done wrong and if i had done that to her they would all hate me.
A week after we broke up i finally cried, i cried my fuckin heart out and yes i did feel better but even now ims till not a hundred percent. When i dont see her im great, when i do i break down especially when i dont expect her to be there.
My friends have talked to her and she tells them to mind their business, she is too stubborn to care about what shes done to me, she still wont talk to me eiher, which is all i really want.
i just wish she could of talked to me and given me closure which i am still waiting for.
I keep being told shes not worth my time, but i still remember everything we went through together and its like i hate her so much and love her at the same time. This is one of the worst ways for a break up to end in confusion.
It’s hard to enjoy life when she is there right and left when you expect to have a good time and to know that she has moved on from you so suddenly and doesn’t care for you anymore. It’s like i’m fucking worthless. First love 8 months wasted. If there’s a cure for that i’d like to fucking know.
Feelin your pain Ryan!Sounds just like my own…no closure from her makes it soooo much harder the false hope & all!In my case her idea of closure was coming to see me one last time & us having sex/giving our stuff back (no explanation & no mention of the bisexual dude she left me for haha!found that out month later!) You gotta find your own closure bro, hard to do I cried my eyes out on several occasions really helps to get that out and not bottled up all the time.Dont think your worthless, its just made out to be that way…pretty shitty but overall makes ya stronger in the long run if you learn from it, wounds heal but the scars remain anytime she comes to my mind I block it out right away makes things alot easier in my opinion.She wont even talk to me, now after all Ive done for this girl I’de like to think I have her respect simply as a man but no….Its okay theres plenty of others out there just wait for them to come your way bud ;)
I have a question. I recently dumped my girlfriend after her ex-boyfriend left me a nasty voicemail saying they both had sex. I was and am emotionally devastated, by knowing she did love me, does love me, I had love for her and have love for her. That was the second time I caught her (she always denied it…said this time around she GAVE my number to him..yeah right!!) Question is should I keep her for just the sex? We get lonely. That would be the ultimate revenge telling her I would just see her a one-night stand…a far cry from the emotional union we once shared. Or did I do the right thing by dumping her completely and never calling her..never even ‘acknowledging’ her? PS Keep in mind this just happened a week ago and my emotions over this are running haywire.
Demetri sorry to hear about your loss… have to ask though are you 100% positive this exboyfriend wasnt yanking your chain?I mean that right there (being her ex) wouldnt exactly make him the most reliable source in most cases even more so if hes calling obviously to cause you grief…This happened to me and I knew at the time it was complete bs!one because she was with me 24/7 and two this guy wanted us apart because she left him for me.Thats irrelevant though, completely understand your devestation…We cant realistically think our ex’s are going to stay single & be miserable without us (be nice though aye?) if this isnt the first time something happened like this I suppose you better distance yourself for your own good, would NOT recommend using her just for sex!Sounds all good,I know this hell I wanted to keep mine around for the same reason but given your history it will do nothing but keep you attached and make the situation worse and Im sure you do not want to make this anymore painful. My only advice is to move on things can only get better from then, sure its hard but take it easy on yourself man.
On a different note, I just realized today is exactly one year since Jaimes previous boyfriend jumped me…(snuck up w/ 3 guys at the carwash, got me as i turned around & ran)broken nose, still got 1” scar from the cut and not to mention paying on the $2000.00+ med bills but dumbass is payin restitution then some…also got more then even some time later :) not tryin sound like a hardass or anything I got my ass beat over not a damn thing!Its funny though,the whole thing was me taking that was more/less the end of her being abused by him…we both knew it and she was grateful for it!Yet I still get screwed over it…by the way this wasnt the only time Ive been in fights soley as a result of her!Not that this time was her “fault” so to speak but was a direct result of being with her and I was fine with that at the time. I guess the moral there is pick your battles, assess the situation and make sure its worth it. Now that I look back the good was DEF. not worth the bad.
Hey Justin – HANG IN THERE BUDDY! Anniversaries SUCK big time. Another unhappy reminder of what ‘used to be’. SUX!
Demetri: As much as the sex may be a draw trust me (and everyone else on here who says the same thing) having sex with your ex will just lead to more confusion and pain for you. IF (and this is a BIG IF) the sex led to the two of you actually getting back together then that’s another matter. But just to give in to the momentary horniness is a recipe for disaster. Try porn instead. LOL!
My Update: Now she says she wants to take the summer off, that we shouldn’t contact each other for, what, another two months? But she’s seeing another guy so what does THAT mean? By summer’s end her new bf won’t work out? Seems ridiculous to me – one simply cannot plan out their lives so precisely. Shit, if we could we’d all be happier campers, right? LOL So I dunno – part of me wants to cling to the hope while the other, bigger part of me feels like she’s just saying that to treat me as a ‘back-up’ plan. Or worse – more angry manipulation designed to hurt me more.
I need a new girlfriend, that’s what I need!
Your absolutely right Mark. To hell with her. No way she can treat you like that. Go out, find someone new and take it from there. Its amazing what a change can do to you. Dam it man, its summer, why should we be miserable!have fun! see how she likes it. No one should ever feel like a back up plan. Ive felt like that and to be honest I deserve better, as everyone does. Go for it mate, see what you can acomplish with the old charm!
Thanks Andy mate! JUST what I needed! Yes, I heard from her today – a raging, filthy email fight, seemingly “it”, for realz.
So here’s what I’ve (painfully) learned from All This: ANY contact – texts, emails, phone calls, chance meetings – only leads to more pain. Why do I say this? From experience now, yes, but because no matter WHAT the communication may end up being when/if she responds, it will NEVER EVER be what you would hope it would be. Meaning, loving and hopeful, and giving us hints they might want to come back. Nope – any contact equals more pain.
And here’s The Worst(I say this to try and ward off any of you blokes who may be thinking of contactng your exes again): Even if the communication is pleasant, and nice enough for us to read into it what we truly hope for (“She’s being nice! We’re getting back together someday!”) ANY contact leads to more Information. And Information is DEATH boys! She’ll let something slip, about her new guy, or what she’s doing going, and it will HURT like hell. Even if it’s mundane shit, like, “I’m going to the grocery store.” WHAT?! YOU NEVER WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE WITH ME!!! (Hopefully you will not actually SAY those words out loud, merely feel them)
I’m just saying no matter what, if the communication isn’t “I love you and I want to get back together” then it’s all horseshit. Better to stay away from it all.
Thanks again Andy! And to all!!
Words of wisdom right there Mark!!Rings in very true….realize now all the dumb stuff sent to her when I just knew Ide win her back!What were we thinkin??Myself anyways, cant speak for everyone but know I “felt” like a fool for sounding so desperate & needy.Said felt because I know now it doesnt matter!Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda….no man!forget it shes gone period. End of story, so I can confidently say I dont regret anything.Think thats the biggest step, stop reliving the past…can glance in the rearview but you gotta keep movin forward.I feel like a new man now that Ive made this much progress, it takes time & the balls to let go & evolve.Use to drive myself crazy with the envy I held towards her new boyfriend and the hard feelings for her…Now it almost makes me laugh, this fool is basically me a year ago!He has no idea what kinda stuff awaits him, shes a hell of a girl sure but like most young ones out there she gets bored with what she has after a while and goes from guy to guy to guy…but hey what do I know maybe Im wrong who knows (like i said either way doesnt matter!!)and it feels great lemme tell ya.Said it before I believe, when your with someone your mind makes you think they are perfect for you and blocks out the bad usually. For me I feel like I was lucky here we had plans for marriage, kids at least things happened before all that!It never would have worked anyway…Her dads loaded, shes moreless had anything & everything shes ever wanted and never had to work for it. Shes selfcentered,snobby, moneyhungry and doesnt care about anyone else. On the other hand Im the opposite came from a lower class family,didnt have much and worked my ass of for everything I have.Its kinda funny how being catered to your whole life changes everything (perspective,attitude toward others)Ill leave it at that for now because I could go on forever….feelin like I went from loser to winner out of nowhere!
Oh wow yet another little “anniversary” so to speak…today is exactly two months since the break up. Quite frankly now its one of the best things thats happened to me, dont wanna sound all cheesey but Ive grown sooooo much as a person overall.Learned to focus on myself, and let me be the center of my universe…I got approved for a loan and am going to pick up my car after work (04 Grand Prix GT)which is a big step up from the old junker I had!Life goes on brothers, dont forget it & make sure you take care of yourself.
Mark….we appreciate the reminder!!!! It’s much-needed.
It’s so evil how the mind keeps drifting back to that mentality of “….oh, enough time has passed. Surely she must have changed her mind by now. She misses me for sure. We’ll discover the true nature of our love and everything will be great….” And then you start with the contact. You try and fight it, but it wins. And you do it.
And you get nailed with cold, hard reality. And then you’re ashamed that you got weak, and looked a bit foolish maybe. And you’re pissed. Very angry. Because, ONCE AGAIN, you’ve been rejected. Bad enough once, but over and over again???? It’s pathetic.
You probably say sh!t you regret later, further pusher her away. Ironic and self-destructive.
It’s a f*cking horrific cycle, and I’m still going thru it myself. I thankfully haven’t contacted her since around the 4th, but some days I get the itch really bad. But I know it’s just no good. So I stay away.
Some days I have this crystal clear clarity about it, and I’m glad we’re not together. But then, like last night, I have these visions and memories of us having fun together, and I f*cking fall apart.
Guys….it’s the best rule: NO CONTACT. It’s the smartest, least embarrassing, and most fulfilling rule. We simply must put ourselves first. Right now. And if it helps, say, “we’re not together at this moment, and who knows what will happen, but I must take care of myself first.” And live your life as full as you possibly can.
Justin…good on you, man. You’re doing it right! Enjoy the new Grand Prix.
P.S…..to everybody. If you f*ck up, forgive yourself, pick yourself up, and start over again. You’re human. Later!
Good advice Steve, really hits home & Ive felt every bit of what you’ve said & then some!
Thanks , I know I will enjoy it…keep it real
Steve,
I feel ya..I just fucked up myself. So my ex called me to see how I was doing. She asked if I had a new girlfriend and she asked if I had slept with anyone. I said no to both. So then I told her that I had to let her go and she didn’t want to. So in my head I’m like “maybe she’s finally coming around”..so then we hang up. Shortly after I texted her telling her that I missed her. Of course I hoped that she would reply the same thing but it was only wishful thinking. She hasn’t responded and now I feel like shit because she knows how I really feel. I knew I shouldn’t have answered. OH well..the damage is done.
Justin, Steve, & Mark: Let me elaborate on just how powerful the “NO CONTACT” rule really is. I had a conversation with an old timer a few days ago and he was able to put some serious things into perspective for me. There are may, but one of the reasons why we are having such a dificult time getting past this situation is because we contuinue to keep some sort of contact with these women. This area of departure is an emotional one and that is totally a womans area of expertise. They know that field all to well….in fact..thats all they deal with. When we was arguing and fighting we wasnt the ones crying-she was. In truth, almost every event that happened between us and these women (good or bad) they have dealt with them emotionally, not us. How are you ever to get over/or get back with these women if you continue to deal with it in such away that they are masters at? Whatever your goal is get over/get back-You will fail! NO CONTACT is the only way any of us will stand a chance. Its the ONLY weapon we as men have. ONLY defense. Trust me fellas, nobody knows you better than these woman. A woman is always watching-Always. The sneaky shit that you used to do and thought you was fooling her… She was actually fooling you. She knows what you are gonna do before you do it, and believe me, I know some of you are saying “Not me bc I havent even been with her that long” Bullshit. It doesnt matter how long you’ve been with them. They are always watching. NO CONTACT fucks them up and keeps them off balance-thats if they still give a shit or not. But nevertheless it is truly all we have. It gets deeper but im gonna save the rest for next time. Just remember this: the NO CONTACT isnt just a weapon again them, but its a tool to aide us through this emotional crap that we are naturally not built for. If you dont talk to her-she cant hurt you. If you dont talk to her or search her out on the internet; etc-what she’s doing cant hurt you. NO CONTACT also assist you in discovering who you are and what you dont like. I got more for you guys when I come back-trust me. Stay strong and drink some Grey Goose tonight, bbut NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sergio,
See my PS above.
You’re doing alright, bud. Let her come to you, if that’s what she really wants. You are in control, ultimately.
That Craig fellow is a wise, wise man. Well put!!! NO CONTACT, BOYS!!!!
I want to further the whole “NO CONTACT”– discussion if any of you care to listen..I was first offered the “NO CONTACT” approach from guess who?…. None other than my mother, who just happens to be a true expert about what we are discussing to say the least.
At first I could hear none of it. I thought my moms was crazy. Who wouldnt want to talk to the woman that they loved, shared, cared, and was comfortable with for what seemed like forever? After a couple of severely disrespectful, ego bruising, and pride damaging phone calls I began to see that I actually felt worse after speaking to her than not.
Ive learned that “NO CONTACT” can only work FOR you and not AGAINST you. You may think and feels its not the right thing to do, but trust me, it is. Most of us are just to blinded by what our own pain, the sense of lost and comfort, or her with somebody else to even see it. Try to look at in these terms my brothers….Whatever respect you lost before/during/after/still will slowly but surely be replenished if you DONT SPEAK TO HER! This applies to all aspects of communication–texts, email, word of mouth (he say/she say) speaking about what happened with mutual friends; etc. All of these things show her that you care and that she still has youright where she wants you. That confidence alone leaves you vunerable to abuse when she does get in contact with you.
The flip side to that coin is that not speaking to her allows YOU not to fester in what happened. It allows you to become stronger, focus on yourself, and get past these devastating times. I mean lets be honest here-the probability of you speaking or seeing her again in this life are high but hopefully NO CONTACT will allow you to be strong enough to deal with whatever she dishes by then. Getting back with you/ or having a new man will likely be one of the two fella, yet then it will be up to US to determine how we deal with it. Stay up people and dont talk to them–right now view them as the enemy who is trying your discipline….dont talk to the. Enjoy your weekend.
Steve:
Hang in there man – I know EXACTLY what you’re going through. Here’s my (unbelievable) update (from Mr. No Contact over here LOL).
Yesterday I’m seeing a friend in NYC. I’m hanging around 14th St., which is an area I know my ex hangs out. So, like an IDIOT, I call her and say, “Hey, I’m hanging around 14th St. for the next couple hours. let me buy you something to make up for me being a jerk to you.” That’s all I say, right? (And after I’m horrified – A. that I called her and B. what if she says, “Great, buy me a diamond necklace”?)
An hour later I get a text from her: “I’m in Queens headed to NY to change trains.” What tha? Now, she’s blocked me from texting so I can only receive, not send. So I ignore it – what the hell does that mean? Whatever.
So I meet my friend, we laugh and hang out, totally forgetting about the ex. After an hour he has to go, we say good-bye, he leaves. I’m still sitting there in the cafe, just gathering my thoughts and preparing to leave also, when the cell rings. Yup, it’s her! “Hell-o-o-o??” I sound totally surprised ’cause I am.
“I’m going to be on 14th St. and 6th Ave. for a couple minutes.”
“Yeah? Um, okay…”
“That’s all I’m saying.”
“So I should run into you there? I’m about a twenty minute walk from there…”
“Whatever. So am I. You have time.”
Click!
Stunned, I get up and start walking to where she’s gonna be! (Thinking, at least today I showered and shaved and, while not looking ‘my best’ some birds DID give me the eye so I guess I was acceptable-looking, so why not? What a shmuck…)
Walking there I’m trying to think of a million ways to be cool – not beg or plead or say ‘I’m sorry’ too much – once or twice, okay – stuff like that. Mostly, don’t cry Mark! LOL We haven’t seen each other since she left the apartment two months ago.
I show up, she’s not there yet. So I call and her cell goes directly to her voicemail. SHIT! She must already be on a train. So I turn to go and – wham! Literally walk right into her!!
She looked spectacular! Tall, thin, GORGEOUS (Steve, I think you were right – it’s partly the missing the hottie thing – she is DEF the hottest-looking girl I have ever been with).
Anyway, we start walking. Aimlessly, really, just on the streets. We talk about this writing project, she’s leaving for Chicago on Sunday to see her family, etc etc. I say I’m sorry for being a jerk. She says she wants to come and pick up her stuff she left in the apt but I tell her I threw it all out. She gets angry – of course! But not livid. I tell her I’ll give her a couple hundred bucks in compensation when she returns from Chicago. She says okay.
Then her new BF calls! They talk, i walk away ’cause i honestly didn’t want to overhear anything that might upset me. She hangs up and we walk to the nearest subway ’cause she’s seeing him the entire weekend. Turns out HE’S going to Chicago, too. Great…
Anyway, we say good-bye and that’s that. I DID say we should hang when she returns and she kinda nodded and murmured, ‘okay’ but it wasn’t really heartfelt.
Walking away I felt stunned – I had seen her! Finally! And my heart ached with how beautiful she looked, then my soul ached knowing she wasn’t mine anymore and that another guy would be with her that night, and for the foreseeable future.
When I got home I cried. it felt good. Now, today, I don’t know what to think. She definitely made it a point to call ME and obviusly wanted to see me… i dunno.
Time to read all the great advice from you guys again! LOL
Anyway, that’s the latest. Messed up hih?
“If you don’t talk to her she can’t hurt you.”
MAN – thanks Craig! I’m gonna write that sentence down and tape it to my bathroom mirror so I see it every day.
Try not to be too hard on yourself Mark, it happens to te best of us. You cant expect to be cold, stone, or unaffected by her actions in only 2 months. You have to give yourself some time dude. Those wounds are open and sores are fresh-nothing good could of come from that meeting. Dont be a freak for pain.
She may be the shit, but Im quite sure there are some serious dimes wandering around 14th & 6th. There are probably some serious pieces of tail around most of you at all times of the day but we are blinded by sight and scent of the past.
Do away witht he calls Mark. Steer clear of 14th & 6th. Fuck it-steer clear of Manhattan if you have to. Just heal and get stronger. Now I dont mean to be harsh or mean with what comes next but I think you need to hear this…… Because of CONTACT-you now know something that you wished you wouldnt have found out. You know that she will be in Chicago with somebody else. Hurts like hell but you have to use in your healing. Divorce yourself from all those emotions and all the those deadly sins such as envy, jealousy, and wrath and wish her well and the best of times. Thank her for the experience, moments, and simply the opportunity to love. Then, and only then will you start to accept whats going on, and she isnt and never was your property. Sorry to hear about your slip up. But you will get up and move forward. I have faith in you and everbody else up here seeking a positive way to deal with these sickening emotions.
Craig,
Love what you said..”Because of CONTACT-you now know something that you wished you wouldnt have found out”. This is so true. I’m trying so hard to do “No Contact” but my ex isn’t having it. She keeps calling. I could only ignore the call so many times until I finally give in. So now I’m starting over(since I picked up when she called yesterday) and I’m not answering her calls anymore. Everytime I speak with her I find out something I don’t like and when we hang up, I’m left there heartbroken all over again.
Mark, my ex was the hottest girl I’ve been with too. So I know where you’re coming from. However, I know there are thousands of other beautiful girls out there. We just have to be confident like the latest post from Alex says.
Hey guys, im in need of dire help at such a low point in my life, i actually never thought love would torture and torment you like this. My girlfriend left me 2 weeks ago and in all honesty it was a un-expected, sure we had probs but nothing major and we both stressed how much we love eachother. I feel that perhaps i was way too upfront with my feelings as she was the type of person who kept things caged in but showed a face of no resiliance on the outside. We were together for 10 months and moved in etc etc, so we both felt we were right for on another, i stupidly think we still are.
I met her at a lapdancing club where im a barman, i was warned never date a stripper and i went against that advice. I did find it hard seeing her strip, i dealt with it even though it cut on the inside. I felt we got on well, but unexpectdly she used the classic lines of ITS NOT YOU ITS ME, I love you more than a friend but its not enough, this is all confusing considering she said she loved me a day before. She had issues with her future career and didnt love lapdancing but did it because the income was so great. There were these problems, but i never thought she felt i was the one making her unhappy. I did everything for her, looked after her every need and even emotional probs. Im a firm believer in standing by and supporting the ones you love.
The break-up was harsh and my feelings for her wont go away, im just confused by the whole thing. We had contact, she was bitchy, me asking why why why? I dont understand. She then txt me last sat saying how are you? I reply missing you , she sends one back saying missing you big time. what a headscrew? I ask if she wants to see me, she says i do and i dont, but anyway i go see her, then she holds my hand, plays with my hair and all this while im thinking whats going on?
Next day she sendsa txt saying she loved the time spent but her heads all over the shop and shes confused, day after that she puts on a hard front. She then calls end of week and has a vicious go at me saying she knew i would use the sat spent with her against her and its deffo over and she doesnt miss me, she was just firing hurtful comments. I was devastated, i kept going back for more, no contact should have been a rule i abided by.
Then last night she says shes going back to work where i work, could my life get worse? i lose my house with this girl, shes coming back to haunt me at a job i hate seeing her do and its only been 2 weeks. How can i move on when all i think about is getting back with this broad?
I then see her late last night, i run after her like an absolute fool, i say HI, she cant even look at me in the eye and she is all nervy, i say she looks good, she then says i dont know what to say, she knows my feelings for her as ive fleeced her with txts saying i miss her, the usual self pity comments. I give her a hug, shes feeble and still cant look me in the eye, i say by and am deeply hurt that its been 2 weeks and shes fine giving me rudeness on the phone but in flesh is a coward and shivers.
My head is currently all over the shop, i seem to be at such a low-point and cant come back out on top. I still love her and her signals of confusion make me wonder and ask more stupid questions. One min she says she misses me, then she says she doesnt want to say she misses me in case she gets my hopes up, then says shes happier without me, live your life and how she was my bad luck, im better off without her, just all over the shop and i stupidly want her back. I just need to know how to handle her ways now, how to cope and how to cope with seeing her strip at work and not breaking down, like i said its only been 2 weeks.
The night she left me, i said i was going to sleep with someone else, this was out of pure rage, i didnt and spent the night at my mums, i then turn my phone on in the morn and she has sent me txts saying you bastard i hope she was worth it, funny way to react considering she ended it with me.
I just think about her sleeping with other guys and it tortures me from within, never date a stripper as its a path to self destruction.
Gents your advice is needed, whats a man to do?
I broke up with my guy , 10 months ago…Not once since ive come into contact with him have i not become fucked up. I think the thing about any relationship you were in for a long time you convice yourself everyday they are the CHOSEN ONE as corney as it seems. I think its sometimes more than impossible to remove that memory of feelings about someone. Im talking about a person who does not compare to the hoards of normality.
I agree the first few days i cried for hours on end…i cried practically everynight though..during the day any random times. but this continued more than a week..I was honestly depressed for 3..4 months straight.
It the magic of his memory and those songs that i shouldnt be listening to But i had to because its the only way to actually relate to something special with a emotional song. Songs actually helped me alot, they let me cry and smile..most the time cry but hey. The definate fact is that you will complain to others about your loved ones..but soon ..or if your at a slower pace like me, months after you will realise that shareing THE most annoying beautiful memory of someone gets you no where. Its nice to be reminded of the shared memorys, because its scary when they begin to fade..and they do..but then in the end you feel happy to let them go. I dated this guy for 11 months not quiet a year..but i know hes impossible to JUST get over so ive planned to give him just a year..this year i wanted to remember him and..and i can feel that within the next few months i will only have him as a special memory, that i can no longer cry about.
Thanks Sergio abd Craif (and Steve and justin and all the others). Tonight sucks ’cause it’s Sunday night, the night we always spent hanging out, cooling down before the start of another week. And she’s leaving for Chicago with her new guy tonight, be gone for a week. Ah well, it could be worse – I could be dating a strupper!
JG MAN – what the F? Never, ever date a stripper! Man, I feel for ya – I dated one a couple years ago. LOL it only last a couple months but man did she have ‘issues’!! THE only way to “deal” with a stripper is to IGNORE HER – drives ‘em nuts. Watch how they give the guys the evil eye, the ones in the audience who ARE NOT LOOKING AT THEM while they dance on the pole. be that guy. Will drive her nuts.
Sarah: You were the one doing the breaking-up-with, yes? So why waste an entire year of your life mourning something you initated? Maybe the pain is too much, you really didn’t say what precipitated the break-up, just remember – not all us guys are jerks. Some of us are sensitive enough to come on a site like this and reveal our inner pain to the world. LOL Right guys?
(No, not drunk – new crappy keyboard. AND CRAIG I meant. There’s a SHOUT OUT Craig. LOL)
hell yeah dating a stripper is asking to be given the lethal injection whilst serving time on death row lol!!!!
Shes trying to be business like now and its really winding me up. How can she shut out feelings for nearly a year and after 2 weeks shes acting like she doesnt know me, this is what pains me as im the one suffering as for some stupid reason my feelings for this girl are still at an all time high
JG…
If you’ve read down thru this blog site (if you haven’t I suggest you do. Lots of great insight by the guys posting on here…), you will notice a common element about the chicks we struggle “getting over”. And that is: THEY DON’T DEAL WITH THIS STUFF THE SAME WAY WE DO. Women…most of them anyway….have this fantastic ability to completely shut down, when their feelings have reached a certain point. And it doesn’t really matter who does the breaking up. (I happened to be the one who broke up with my girlfriend. And, Mark….just because one is the initiator, doesn’t necessarily make it any easier. Trust me.)
It’s a big coping mechanism. We all have them. JG….your chick is guarding herself, and it’s easier to shut you out than to deal with the breakdown of your relationship in a more healthy way.
Remember, JG….you are WAY early on in this process. It’s only been a couple of weeks. You are going to experience some more ups and downs and the advice I keep giving myself and others….BE KIND TO YOURSELF.
It is now time to concentrate on yourself. And your healing. And if you need to tell yourself you’re just taking a break from her, do it. But this isn’t about her. We don’t need anyone to survive and thrive.
Most of all…no f*cking contact. Period. No matter what your mind is telling you. NO CONTACT is the best thing, right now. Ask anyone here. (See Craig’s postings above.)
Good luck.
your thoughts are much appreciated, the no contact rule is certainly appealing as i dont wish to get hurled with more negative comments when mine are all positive in terms of begging for her back!!!!
My main problem is having to see her at work, especially in an environment that i hated her when i was going out and living with her, now it seems like it will be worse as im the ex and she seems to have the power in terms of hurting me evenmore. I need to put closure on the whole thing to stop the hurt but seeing her in suich a short space of time after she left me isnt really helping me in terms of trying to move on
Hey there, hope all is going well for you guys/girl!It sounds like most here are still having a hard time cutting off contact (same goes here!) its not much of a problem for me anymore since she wont give me the time of day…and yes I too am sick of this “its not you baby its me” crap & “we just need a little break”, come on now hurt me with the truth you know? wow its crazy how some people (not gonna say females in general!)can just turn off their feelings like a lightswitch. Really proves we didnt mean much to them huh?All those nights spent together, when nothing else mattered but the two of us all the things she told me doesnt mean a thing now…Hurts so bad, indeed but anyone else catch themselves mistaking beauty for being a good person?Its hard to explain, I mean my ex was beautiful for sure.Thought for the longest time she was the whole package but on the inside shes the uglyest thing Ive seen….She proved that to me time and time again. I use to say she was my dream girl, my soulmate so to speak…after these past few months I know better even if its a hard pill to swallow, now say by some “miracle” she comes back in the near future should I settle for less?NO and neither should any of you. Why waste our time,love,passion,etc. on someone who obviously cant return the same to the extent we do???its a vicious cycle we need to break, and I advise anyone currently going through this to cut your losses before its too late. Think you have regrets now??Just wait, what is there to lose as of right now…not near as much had you held on to lost hope and felt like more of a fool down the road.The worst for me is shes in my dreams every so often…makes it so much harder to move on always waking up wanting to just hear her voice. Still think of her every single day although not nearly as much thank god!!Catch myself thinking why want her back, the girl I fell in love with is good as dead shes a whole different person than I knew way back when.
JG dont make the mistake of begging for her back, been there buddy in fact I think most all of us have when you realize no rational talking works you get desperate I suppose and it doesnt nothing but hinder you regardless of what your plans are.
Mark dont let knowing shes moved on bother you, easier said then done yes it is…What good can come of that though??I know this for a fact, think you do too!Any kind of thoughts of her with this new guy are not healthy. Its like picking your scabs that are trying to heal and pooring salt in them!Heres my advice, when I think like that I convince myself to be VERY arrogant about it and by that I mean make yourself fully aware that hey shes the one screwing herself over by settling for less with this guy…your too good for her, & this poor bastard you envy for now will be in the same boat as you sooner or later.Yeah buddy, your not missing out on anything regardless of what your mind tells you!
Sarah welcome to the site…I applaud you for having the guts to post here, I assume it would at first seem a little intimidating but Im glad to see theres still decent girls out there (at least you dont bury your feelings) although maybe that would be easier?feel free to share more with us, as we dont have a clear idea about your perspective yet.
Oh ive been begging for 2 weeks, i think today is the first day ive taken it all on-board. Im not ashamed of my actions as i wear my heart on my sleeve but it hurts as the mind keeps reminding me of the good times, and then reminding she is going to be sleeping with other dudes, yes i may envy them for now but your sure right, it will come back and hurt them just like it hurt me.
Why on earth am i still thinking about rekindling this relationship? shes made it clear its not going to happen and its hard to take on-board that 2 weeks on, its a totally different person that i grew to love.
Im just dreaeding seeing her strip at work tomorrow nite, i need closure but she seems to be rubbing slat into my wounds evenmore
Thanks for those wqise words Justin! Yes, it IS hard to do BUT it IS a necassary thing. I mean, there she is all this week, in Chicago, with her family, and this new guy, too. THAT’S what sucks man – she knows this guy for a little more than a month and already he’s met her brother, the family, is on a trip with her – who the fuck IS this guy? It took me YEARS to get to that point in her life but now she’s showing off her new guy everywhere? Drives me nuts…but as you said Justin, it’s not worth dwelling on. It’s like you said bro – waking up, first thought about her, etc etc. But what helps ME is to know that, shit, SHE ain’t thinkin’ ’bout ME, now is she? If she were she’d call or text or whatever but nope, living her new life with her new guy, everything’s fine in her life…well, guess it’s time for me (and maybe for all of us on here?) to try and live OUR lives, right? If I were as busy as her, if I had someone new, I wouldn’t be thinking about her, which is such a waste of time!
JG: I’m breaking one of Alex’s ‘rules’ here in advising this but since you work in a strip club, and your ex is a stripper, then buddy you got to get yourself laid ASAP! Not necassarily with a another stripper (learn your lesson there, and quick) but with someone – being around all that sexuality must be a killer. So go get you some!
(Heck, maybe that’s what I need too – it’s been two months since she left, today actually, grrrr, so how long should I wait before I find some tail? LOL I tried right after she left but it was a disaster, and this was before I found out she has someone new. So maybe now is the right time, before summer is over….)
Mark, yeah brother it is a long hard road…even more so when its rubbed in your face, for me it included her sending me texts,emails & whatnot telling me how much better he is in every way, how shes finally truely happy & doesnt have to fake it that the best thing shes done was ending what we had…OUCH!that was the worst, also seeing them together doesnt make it any easier. Ive tried getting even, give her dose of her own medicine but its no use the best thing I can think was to live my own life & make it as happy as possible.Father times got your number bud & he always wins, lifes too short to mope around and be sad all the time over one girl who quite frankly isnt all we’ve made her out to be!I always consider her negatives since we always dwell on the good & what were missin out on…really helps me anyway
In my opinion getting laid does help…alot!as long as you do it right & dont get attached again, I think its good to realize that wasnt the end of the world because it certainly isnt. hell if anything you should know more so what your looking for in a woman this time around I know I do!
Justin, what she’s done to you is just cold and evil, and it’s better that you find this out about her now, rather than later. She’s going out of her way to hurt you, and it speaks volumes about her own inner turmoil and darkness of soul. How would she have “punished” you further down the road, if you’d stayed together??
I guess I am lucky in that I don’t have my ex rubbing my face in anything, and I have no way of knowing if she’s with another dude. Everything’s in my mind.
I still miss the hell outta her, though. BUT NO CONTACT!
Amen Steve – and your situation, like mine, reminds me of what Craig said: “If you don’t talk to her she can’t hurt you.” Powerful stuff.
(That ‘Amen’ was both to Steve’s overall point AND to YOU Justin – what a…well, rhymes with ‘punt’…what she did to you. Shows her immaturity, I suppose – kinda like mine, just now, heh … but seriously, that’s just plain wicked. NO SALT IN THE WOUNDS LADIES PLEASE!! Yah, think about the negatives bro – sounds like you sadly have a bunch to choose from. The next girl MUST be better, and kinder, and more respectful, than your ex!)
Had a dream last night….I saw my ex, and she was friendly but aloof. I tried to talk to her…rekindle things, etc. She shot me down. It was bad…but only a dream. A wonderful reminder.
Thanks for your input about everything guys…I def. agree with every bit of it!it wasnt always like that…I mean we were happy, both of us before she was “faking” it anyway said she fell out of love with me around feb-march (didnt tell me till late may)of course saw the signs, we fought more, hung out with friends instead of me,acted distant,etc. Ide bring it up and she’d avoid it saying its stress from graduation & whatnot things would get better…at one point I thought about ending things cause she would treat me like complete shit… ide call her out on it and end up a bit fight.didnt end it though cause I love her to death.The possibility of her dumping me never crossed my mind, should of though so after her grad party she broke the news to me…wanna be single, we need break,your goin nowhere in life.WOW
Thanks for your input about everything guys…I def. agree with every bit of it!it wasnt always like that…I mean we were happy, both of us before she was “faking” it anyway said she fell out of love with me around feb-march (didnt tell me till late may)of course saw the signs, we fought more, hung out with friends instead of me,acted distant,etc. Ide bring it up and she’d avoid it saying its stress from graduation & whatnot things would get better…at one point I thought about ending things cause she would treat me like complete shit… ide call her out on it and end up a big fight.didnt end it though cause I love her to death.The possibility of her dumping me never crossed my mind, should of though so after her grad party she broke the news to me…wanna be single, we need a little break,your goin nowhere in life.WOW needless to say took that hard…soon after find out shes been messin w/ a so called “friend” she introduced me too…a meth head fry cook wow pick me a winner huh?!?Sorry for unloading all that guys, know Ive posted most of this already but dont think I got it out enough & of all people knew you would understand & feel me. Its gettin better though, still miss her company although I shouldnt!but the hurt is mostly gone its shifted to despise toward her but Im letting everything go its all baggage & not neccesary!The dreams are the worst, you cant help that….like REO said time for me to fly!Moving on feels great, never felt more free
my bad that went twice!!
Steve: Dreams are the WORST because you can’t control ‘em. I think this is why I, personally, feel so crappy when I wake up in the morning. Not physically, but just…a malaise, “the blah’s”, just DOWN, ya know? It’s ’cause I must’ve been dreaming about her all night, my unconscious trying to work out shit that has already been ‘worked out’ – meaning, I’m OUT! LOL It sucks – but then I have my coffee and things look a little brighter. Yah, dreams SUCK! hang in there buddy.
Justin: You vent brother – I feel ya. I ran across some pictures of my ex today – boy did THAT suck! She’s a model so she knows how to pose and she looks amazing in almost any context so there I sat, all bummed out, til I closed the computer and walked away from it for awhile. Things will get better…c’mon time, hurry up and heal our wounds!!
Mark I too ran across some pictures last night.thought ide burned/thrown out most all of them but for some reason I dont want to lose all of them whats up with that??I just need to keep her out of my head, its the hardest part man!as much progress has been made when it comes to accepting the fact that its over with….her creeping into my mind on a daily basis is really taking its toll, just random things I think about throughout the day she pops up Im just gonna block it out.
Justin…
Two things: 1) destroy all the pics…trust me, it’s the best decision. I just found more myself, and deleted them from my computer. You still have memories. Those are permanent. 2) don’t try and get her out of your head. If you don’t want chocolate cake, what’s the thing you can’t help thinking about? It’s screwed up and kinda backward, but it helps.
These thoughts are gonna come. NO QUESTION ABOUT IT. Accept it. You cannot stop them. It’s what we do with them that affects our happiness or misery. I am learning every day that the thoughts come, I miss her, I want her back….all that shit……then I stay with it and not act on any impulse. Just chill out and let the thoughts and feelings pass thru you.
I am noticing…I am not as upset about things as I used to be. I still get upset, but there’s something about admitting to yourself that these emotions and feelings are TEMPORARY…it’s relieving.
Time will eventually water this stuff down.
recently broke up. we were staying friends, in fact close friends. when i noticed she was getting further and further, i stopped talking to her and blocked her off completely. she sends me a message saying how much she loves me. the pudding hearted idiot that i am, i decide to give her a chance and very little to my surprise that she is with someone else. after blocking her once again she confesses her deep love for me and how much she would like to see me. i tell her to get rid of the other guy in order to get our friendship back as a start. she tels me to leave her alone not to pressure her. now i am thinking she is playing games, but she isn’t lying about the other guy. but i still want to get her back but how can i have a shot while the other guy is all up in her grill, i am nowhere near her to contact her anyway other than lousy e-mail or sms. even though i am certain she is playing games of some level i know she loves me 10 folds the other guy. pissed her off and told her to leave me alone to boot. any advise?
you know what, i wrote that before i read what was written, i did all that, but she keeps periodically doing this “check” and in my hardest time in life this time she “check mated” me i guess so to speak. if she comes back, i’m gona dump her so hard and so quick that it’s gona be very educational for her. i’ll try to keep you guys posted on how that felt. (by the way she is a wonderfull girl)
I am so bummed out, i had to work with the ex 2 nights ago and my weakness set in, i made her laugh at work etc thinking i could still woo her back, i then stayed the night with her, cuddles etc and then spent the day with her, yet again cuddles and some sort of closeness. She was looking at this as friendship, then again what friend cuddles u like that?
The day after i spend the night with her again, no sex just cuddles, but she seems confused and I tell her dont worry im not getting my hopes up but of course i am as this chick im madly in love with.
The next day she tells me its over and how im stupid to not take on board what she has said, the words she spoke deeply hurt and im wounded more than anything now.
The fact i have to see her strip and its 2 weeks after we split is deeply hurting me, i cant deal with it and no matter how hard it is im damaging myself. Im going to have to take a month away from work to gain closure but even if she feels like shes won by me stepping away like that, i suppose i have to look after no 1 and thats me getting time to find my feet again.
It hurts so much and i suppose its hurting evenmore as i have had to deal with her flirting with other guys as she is a stripper, it might not mean anything but it cuts deep having to see it.
She is selfish for doing this, she ended it yet she says move on, how can one move on when she goes back to work at a job that is of a sexual kind?
So wounded at the moment, finding it so hard and yet i still have feelings for this selfish bitch?
They say time is a great healer, yet at the moment it feels like the end of the world with no way out,
Guys advise and help me regain my ability to feel like a person again
I thought that I had finally found my soul mate and after 2 years together she decided that she wanted to be friends. I know she got frustrated that we weren’t engaged yet and I wanted to and told her this but i had just gotten laid off from my job about a year into the relationship and was working freelance and another part-time job so I wasn’t exactly were I wanted to be financially.
So now let me give you a broad overview of our relationship. Now, she was not my first girlfriend but she was my first that lasted longer than a year. However, I was her first boyfriend and their was a slight age difference. When we first started dating I was 27 and she was 22 and came from a very strict family and in the beginning everything went very well then a little after the 6 month mark she became very clingy and would get to the point that she would sob if we weren’t going to see each other that day. Now most of her friends were away at school so she really didn’t have any friends and she said that she never really felt comfortable around my friends (which is easy to see because some of my friends girlfriends/wives tend to be anti-social with new girls in the group) so I never made her hang out with my friends and encouraged her to make some of her own friends. Her coworkers would invite her to go out often and she would always refused. So when they would invite her to go I would encourage her to go and we would both go and when she wanted to leave we would leave. Then seemed to get better for a while she became less clingy, but then I noticed that I was getting invited to go out with them less and less and the I was never invited. Then a couple of months before our 2 year anniversary her attitude seem to change she would just come over my house and fall asleep. I also know that she was getting a lot of bad advice from her friends making me sound like i wasn’t motivated to find full-time work again, and on top of that one of her guys friends started texting her all the time towards the end. She would ask me if I was ok with him texting her and I told her that I was uncomfortable with it, but I was never going to tell her who she could and could not be friends with. Also her family was an issue because one minute they loved me and her Mom would always praise me on how good of a guy I was and how she wished my girlfriend’s sister would date guys more like me, and then the next minute they hated me and I never knew why.
I could tell she was getting frustrated with not be engaged yet and started to have doubts that I wanted to marry her and I felt as if I tried to convince her other wise and that things would turn around eventually but she can be very impatient. Her friends were also telling her that you never marry your first love even though she was surrounded by people who did. So she then lays the whole I think that we should just be friends line on me and shortly after we broke up she starting dating that guy friend that was texting her. It’s been over 5 months and I am still heart broken and I feel frustrated and feel like this was my last chance at love. I was looking forward to getting married to her and being with her forever. I realize that she has moved on and I need to as well but I can’t get me mind off of her and think about her daily. Now she has contacted me wanting to be friends and still do a lot of the fun things that we did as a couple like go to the beach, ballgames and things like that. I told her that I couldn’t do that and I would need time to get over her and that we shouldn’t have contact for a while, and she got a little upset saying that I should be able to talk to her and she still doesn’t understand why I wont talk to her even now (she has texted me a couple of times asking if I was ready to talk yet). I don’t know why I won’t let myself heal I keep dwelling on the past and what we had and everything that I wanted to do together in our future. I just can’t seem to move on. Whats wrong with me?
There’s nothing wrong with you Matt! What you’re going through is just the normal healing provess – or, actually, and sadly, you’re still in the ‘pain’ phase BUT healing WILL begin…over time. But no, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you – you date someone for two years plus, and you want to marry her, and then it’s all over…OF COURSE it’s gonna hurt like absolute HELL! And to keep thinking about the past and what went wrong, how we coulda shoulda woulda – it’s what my friend calls “The Hamster Wheel”; our unconscious minds want to “fix” what went wrong, to heal ourselves too, and our brains just keep trying to figure out, over and over, how to get away from the pain we feel and move towards something, anything, pleasurable. And when it’s a BAD breakup the “pleasure” our brains are trying to run towards (and away from our pain) is the hope we’ll get back together with our exes. Sigh. it sucks matt but it’s, well, normal I guess. Time will make you feel better but for now, wow, sorry you’re going through all this. I knew my ex for well over two years and it still shocks me that, two weeks after she broke up with me, she found a new guy and everything seems wonderful in her life, while I’m still here, two months after she left me, crying over her.
Keep us posted Matt – and good luck!
It just sucks that i still want her so bad after 5 months. Its so hard not to talk to her I talked to her pretty much everyday for 3 years, we were best friends for the 1st year and then dated the last 2. I am not one to believe in love at first sight, but I still remember the first time I saw her and how my heart skipped a beat and for the first time I was nervous to talk to her. hell it took me almost 3 months to get the nerve up to ask her for a cup of coffee. I truly believe that God had lead me to her because I meet her in a class that I didn’t really want to take because I already had my degree but I need to take a continuing education class. She used to tell me all the time that she loved me so much that if we ever broke up she could never date again, and I would tell first off that I was deeply in love with her and that I saw together forever but in the rare case of a break up that she was being naive. I miss everything about her, her eyes, her laugh, her smell, her breathing when she slept next to me. I was an insomniac before I meet her and once she was next to me I could sleep like a baby. Her hands were so small but they fit in my hands so perfectly almost like they were made for each other. I would tell her all this, and yes there were days that I wanted to be by myself, but that is not wrong everyone needs a day to themselves once in a while. I have written letter after letter to her (I have not sent them as I was told by someone that this would help with the pain)and I wish that we could find ourselves back together like in those stupid love movies that she loved so much and made me sit through which I was always willing to becasue she loved them so much. I know life is not a movie, but I have this void that has sucked all the happiness out of my world. Hell, my brother got married last week and I was the best man and it was torture, I should of gotten an Oscar for my performance that night. I got complaints all night about my speech which made me feel great, but as I was reading it I wanted nothing more than to see her sitting there laughing with everyone else. I am 29 and have never felt this type of pain, after a break up. I would take every single injury that I ever had over the 12 years of playing football all at once than go through this(broken bones, ribs, torn acl’s etc…). I have never cried over a person before, I didn’t even cry when I lost 2 of my friends. The last time I cried before this I was 7 and my grandfather died.
But Mark I do want to thank you for you kind words and I do take them to heart.
Sorry, i meant to say complements about my best man speech not complaints. lol small detail in a long reply I know.
Matt…
We all feel your pain, bro. This is tough stuff. I can identify with your situation a little…I was going thru a rough patch personally, and was dragging my feet with my girlfriend, and she got so clingy it would drive me crazy. Eventuallly I pushed her away, and it’s been almost 5 months, and I regret it every day. She won’t talk to me anymore.
I can tell you this: you’re doing a great job at dealing with your breakup. I think it’s smart to write her the letters, but not send them. Her wanting to be friends, especially fairly recently after the breakup, is ludicrous. Her wanting to be friends seems to be something that may “ease her conscience” a little. And that’s NOT your job. I would refer you to the very important NO CONTACT rule.
This time is about you, and moving on. Who knows what may happen in the future, but there’s a common thread on this blog, and that’s men who seem to have lost themselves somewhere along the way in a relationship, and can’t find a future without a particular woman. And we all know that’s just distorted thinking.
I know it doesn’t make it any easier. But dwelling on past good memories…it just tears you up. Thinking of a future without her….also no good. Stay in the present. Keep in contact with friends and family. Keep writing letters you won’t send. Treat yourself well. Don’t beat yourself up for past mistakes. Don’t blame yourself. Healthy relationships take two people.
I know this may not ring true to you, but if you open yourself up to this experience….let the pain shape you EVEN MORE into the man you want to be….you’ll look back at this time as a gift. A GIFT. Don’t fight it…put yourself first, and learn and move forward. Always forward.
Steve
It is weird how we just cant let go. Im into my fourth week and i cant let go, no matter how nasty and dis-respectful she has been. A little bit of me wants her to come running back but why am i waiting when I shouldnt dwell and just move on.
Since seeing her at work last week, it really put me under a ridiculous amount of pressure. We spent the nights together, she said dont come back but then said stay but no getting your hopes up. Is she crazy? she knows i have feelings for her. I stupidlt get her to swear on my life she has no feelings for me, she wont and of course I push and push till she shouts out i swear i have no feelings for you anymore.
I cuddle her in the morning, she says dont get your hopes up like last time, we intimately cuddle for 40 mins, what does she mean dont get your hopes up? friends dont do things like this.
I spend the day with her, we have a great time, we fall asleep together, a small part of me feels its working. Oh how i was so wrong?
We go to work same night, she flirts with me, i make her laugh, i ask her if she wants me to stay again, she says she will think about it. I walk her home, shes drunk, so shes stubborn. She says dont stay but then allows me to. Shes not as close as she was the night before, yet she still puts her arm across me, realises and pulls back. Confused is what she seems?
Next day shes in a mood, she has a go at me, this cant happen again. Its like this person im seeing now, isnt the person i knew and grew so fond of.
She then breaks and repeats how many times do i have to tell you its over, u cant win me back yet the night before she said winning her back might happen its just upto me to find the way.
I leave her, kiss her on the head, say shes worth more than being a stripper and i wished her the best. I didnt want to shout, just leave head held high but extremely hurt.
No contact day after, then the bummer happened. I walk past our old place, i still pay rent there, i live a few doors away as ive moved back in with my mum. Shes having a get together with friends, drinking and living it up. Im hurt as she said she was depressed staying there and she has moved back to her mums. How can u have a party in a house that your ex partner pays rent for yet it brings back memories. Condescending or what?
I send her a txt syaing when will u be out as i want to get my stuff and not see you. No reply but she calls at 3 in the morn, IVE LEFT U CAN GET YOUR STUFF, i just say ok bye.
Next day she sends me a txt saying do u want my bank details? hope your ok x im clearly not ok and seeing as ive left my job because of her, i have no money to pay an outstanding bill.
I ignore the txt, then today she txts me her details, i ignore them, she then rings me in a shy nervours manner saying i have to still pay rent for this month as we cant get out of our agreement.
she rings back, i pick up and im off as i explain i have no money, now no job, she doesnt know what to say, i just go ok bye. This is so selfish and yet im suffering the most, broken heart and emotions, no house, no job, all because of her. Yet she cant see how much her actions are damaging me and not allowing me to move on. I hate the fact im seeing this selfish side, yet i still have feelings ever strong, why oh why?
Im not contacting her, yet she contacts me wether it be to say how are u, u owe me money, ive said dont txt or ring me, e-mail me instead, yet she isnt doing that.
Explain to me whats up with her mind? im confused evermore
she txts me today after ive applied no contact for 2 days, she said I COULDNT BEAR IT IF YOU HATED ME, ILL GET MY STUFF OUT THE HOUSE OVER NXT 2 WEEKS, IM NOT FEELING GOOD AT THE MOMENT MITE HAVE TO GO TO DOCTORS TO GET MYSELF SORTED x , this all confuses me as she said she has no feelings, she wants me to move on but how can i when she txts me this, i said dont ring me but she has even if it has involved money matters. I would love to txt her back to see if she is ok, but im not going to as ive suffered enough the past 3 weeks
JG-
I go through the same thing, man. I’ve told my ex plenty of times not to call me anymore. She doesn’t care and continues to call. So I started to ignore her calls but after a while I end up picking up to see what she wants. Of course, she either wants someting or calls to ask for favors. We have to be strong and think about ourselves. I’m telling you this from experience. It’s been five months since the break up and I’m still hung up on her. I still think about her and I still love her. She’s seeing someone now and if I hadn’t picked up, I wouldn’t have known and I would be fine. Now, the thought of her with him kills me. So now, I really have to apply the NO CONTACT rule. It sounds like your ex is confused. I would try to ignore her for a good while. It will be hard but it’s the best thing to do.
Great article Alex, thanks.
I am not proud of this story, but in view of all the pain that is being described at this website, I just have to confess.
It’s been 30 years for me, and I still think about her EVERY f***ing day! When I fell in love with her she was engaged to somebody else and she couldn’t let go of him because she had made a commitment. So our romance started but it never ended. This entire time, I have been wondering the “what if” questions since the relationship was never tested. That means, it never failed, it never resulted in her saying “no, I couldn’t be with you.” I freely admit however, that her choice to stay with her fiance represented that decision implicitly, but she never told me no to my face.
So I went on, got married, had a family, had a life. But I have NEVER stopped thinking about her on a daily basis.
Over the last 6 months or so I have tried to get closure by writing poems about it, but my feelings are only getting worse. I even started sending her copies of what I have written though a friend that lives way far away from me. Still, I am dead certain she knows who these pieces are from.
It goes to show you that love hurts. Sometimes, for a long time……….
sergio inner strength seems to be coming through, it pains me but she wants that soldier to cry on and it cant be me anymore as she stated to me to clearly move on. I think she is confused but ive chased and chased and been kicked to the kerb time after time. great inspiration guys, not even the jedi council could keep up with the force on this site lol!!!!
Tom….
Your story blows my mind. What, would you say, has kept her in your heart and mind for 30 years????
Thanks for the post. I can’t say it doesn’t scare the crap outta me, though. And probably most of the guys on here.
Steve
yes yes it does scare u, hoping to move on and yet you still have feelings years on. love does indeed hurt
Writing letters sounds like a good idea….may have to try that one, just make sure they dont get sent.
Matt after just reading your posts I realize were alot alike. I feel you on every level brother, and to be blunt about it yes it sucks. Its weird, toward the end my ex too would come to my house & seemed like she would always end up sleeping.Thats irrelevant though, I can tell you are genuine when it comes to feelings for her…(that goes for all here)its not right that it cant be mutual,but hey thats life I suppose… You know this as well as I do, Here this girl had a real motherfucker and by that I mean a man thats not gonna play games, fuck her over & whatnot so think about it really whos loss is it??Easier said then done, it all is man…I too miss/love everything (the good anyway) about my ex, sometimes it gets the best of me but the bottom line is its your life bud….no matter what YOUR the one that will be there,anymore I think the concept of “love” is merely caring merely when you care for someone & are simply use to having them there thinking its forever but no-matter what happens in your life your going to get knocked on your ass, and you gotta be able to get back up dust yourself off and keep goin.Its rough I know, and seems hopeless but there is light at the end of the tunnel and one day your gonna shake your head & laugh thinking about how long you dwelled on things…Life goes on!Keep us updated!!I need to take a little of my own advice up there, like I said easier said than done but its alot better than clinging to the rubble of what use to be there has become.I think I fucked up today….broke the no-contact rule but not for the usual reasons!She has yet to give back my baby pictures (priceless obviously since theres no copies)in June she said dont waste my time comin around they are in the mail (BULLSHIT)but okay, so I texted & was real polite and merely asked for them back and said thanks…no reply so far, and frankly dont really care if I get one.But how rude you know?Cant respond,what the fuck did I ever do??Dont know whats up with it but had this urge just to talk with her, man its frustrating I know she doesnt want a freakin thing to do with me and yet I feel this way even with the pure hell shes put me through. I realize I hold alot of bad feelings toward her…I have every right to but I think to myself what does that do?Aside from put me in a bad mood and gimme something to dwell on, nothing at all!Theres a point I think you need to completely shut yourself off from these people, hell they did it to us (most of us anyway)just not sure where to start.
I hear you Justin, but I just can’t get her out of my head it’s so fucked up. I will be ok one min and the next I’m on the verge of tears. I’ve never been like this and the whole NO CONTACT rule is hard as hell as well. For the most part my ex had respected it and has not contacted me in about 2 months, but it hurts cause its almost like if I keep the NO CONTACT rule in effect then I feel like she is going to forget me. I know there is no chance for us to get back together but the only time I feel better is when the thought of her and her new boyfriend breaking up and even if they did there is no guarantee that she would come back to me. I know here so well and when she falls in love she falls hard and I just can’t get the image of her telling her new BF all those things that she used to tell me and look at him the way she looked at me. It just seems like I have tried everything and nothing is working.
JG
I hear you its hard for the no contact. My ex has told me numerous times right we broke up that she didn’t want me to hate her because she doesn’t hate me at all. she has told me that she has kept everything I gave her and has put it in her new apartment (she was living at home and always wanted to move but i guess she waited until she broke up with me to do it). She has told me that she doesn’t want to erase me from her life. I can’t understand why she left me if she still cares about my feelings.
Everyone of us has our strong as well as our weak days. I hear you Justin up there with the baby photos, my ex still has mine as well. Tried everthing under the sun to get them back but to no avail. What im realizing now is that when it comes to emotions-we as men are run mostly by our egos. For example-the baby pics in our case….sure we want them for the sentimental value as well as thier pricelesnness…yet me dont annoy the ex for them bc part of us (the ego) wants her to hold on to them. We feel that perhaps that will be her excuse to contact us in the future. Same rule applies for anyone else up here that has personal belongings still in the ex’s posession.
I can say this, unless you are willing to subject her to harassment, which wonat probably do you any good, let the pics be. Maybe in time she will find the heart to do the right thing and drop them in the mail and maybe she wont. You have to consider the fact that maybe you dont know this women anymore and maybe she tossed them in the trash. Im sorry to come at you like that dude but im real. Sure I’m hurting as much as all of you (more or less). I put 6yrs into my relationship… a wedding date set for 2wks from today and it didnt work out.
Just do me this favor Justin, prepare yourself for whatever is next. If she doesnt send back the pics FINE. If it makes ou feel better to think she is holding on to them so she can have a tie to you then fine. Tell yourself whatever you need to get better. If she does send the pics back FINE. Maybe it will hurt because she is demonstrating that shes moved on, but hopefully when/if she does, you wont give a fuk anymore anyway.
The point im trying to make to all of my brothers is whatever she does, as hard as it may be, you have to tell yourself its FUCKIN FINE. Most of these women know that they have us by the balls already. Most of them know that if they wanted you back they could call and you would come running. Its a sick, cruel, and sinnister game, but I have sisters and I know this to be true.
Remember, all of you are entitled to your shitty days-we are only human-just remember, we do stupid things when we feel shitty, things we know that we will regret after. Instead of doing those stupid things, OPEN UP THIS PAGE AND READ. The trick is to pace yourself, sometimes reading too much may make you feel worse.
Stay strong people, and remember, its alright to feel here and there about what happened. It shows growth and character. It also shows what type of men we really are.
I’m so upset right now. My ex called asking for a favor and in the middle of our conversation I asked if she had slept with the new guy she’s talking to. She hesitates for a moment then she asked why do I insist on asking her that question. She says no, she hasn’t. I’m not stupid. I know she has. She’s just spareing my feelings. So she gets all mad and just tells me to forget about the favor. So that’s when I had enough. I texted her and told her to do me a favor and not call me anymore. I asked her to respect my wishes. That’s it, I’m tired of feeling like this. It’s so true, what you don’t know, won’t hurt you. I’m done!!!! I CANNOT move on if I continue to answer her calls. It hurts but I need to
Sergio
I can totally understand how you feel. I takes everything in my power to NOT think of my ex and her new boyfriend sleeping together. I don’t want to know the answer and she told me that when we broke that she wasn’t going to have sex again until she was married (she was a virgin when we starting dating), but I have a hard time believing that. Maybe its hard for me because I felt special that she choose me to be her first time (she is quite religious) and the thought of her with another guy is madding. I know its hard not to know but not knowing is a hell of a lot better than knowing. Funny thing is one of my ex’s biggest concerns after we broke up was that the first thing I was going to do was sleep with the first girl that I saw in the week following. It’s hard, but try not to talk to her. If she keeps calling than you have to ignore it as hard as that is. Stay, strong and I know that is easier said than done and we are all going through this same pain. I will leave you with this saying that I tell myself everyday. “You don’t want someone who doesn’t want you.” It can be a hurtful statement, but it’s true because if she did want you she would of never left.
Kind of in shock right now – the last time I spoke with/saw the ex was about ten days ago. She was on her way to Chicago to see her Grandparents or something. Went with the new BF, too – but she says she’s coming back today. So I call, leave a message, I’m an idiot – then I get this email:
“I moved to Hio”
!!!!!
In shock I call, no answer. We had talked about hanging out at the end of summer, and she kept dropping all these hints about if this happened, then maybe we’d get back together…so I had this fantasy that perhaps we’d reunite sometime in Sept. She was going back to college, she had told me, and I still live 3 blocks from her school, so you can see how I would dream my little dream…
She sends me a LONG email, outlining everything. Turns out she had made the decision BEFORE the last time we saw each other and never said a thing! Whatever the detqaisl, she’s gone now – AND she didn’t break up with the new BF! He travels to the midwest for work so….SHIT! I’m rambling and I apologize, just truly in shock…guess it’s really, REALLY, really over now…
O-hio. She moved to Ohio, back where she grew up, to be roomies with her best (girl) friend. Sounds likes she’s trying to find herself again…sigh.
I’m sorry Mark that has to be tough, I think we are all holding onto this false hope that our ex will come to there senses and come back. Hell part of my me wants to move to a new city, but I’m afraid that if I do and my ex wants to get back together (in the RARE event) that I will gone and I would of screwed up my second chance. Just stay strong Mark, I know its tough. I wake up everyday in a panic attack because I know that I have to go another day without seeing her. It sucks that I am thinking about her everyday and I know she’s not thinking about me. At least her being moving to Ohio it could make the no contact rule a little more easier
After reading all of these posts I do feel a bit better getting to hear all of the unique situations out there.
Alex has some great points and if followed correctly can definitly help you move on.
I to have recently gone through a situation where I dated a girl that recently was divorced. We decided to hold off until the divorce was over and then give it a try. After that we dated for about 7 months, it was rough at times because there was a lot of drama, she has 2 kids with her ex and there were issues to get her over. I spent a lot of time with her, doing things takeing care of her and being there for her. It was definitly not ideal but I thought if we could get through this we can get through anything. Well, after we got through the hard times she was going through she decided a relationship was something she did not want. I tried to respect that but failed and chased after her like a idiot. It has been 2 months now and she is seeing someone else. I have been thinking about her daily and cannot seem to just forget about her and move on. I have meet another girl that I like and want to persue her but I need to get this person out of my head. It just kills me how disgusting of a person she is to be able to leave me and so quickly get with someone else.
Thanks for help Alex, today and everyday forward I am going to get myself back and be happy again! She was never worth it to begin with and does not deserve me.
I’m in one of those zones today. It’s like a buildup and release cycle. It’s been about a month since I contacted my ex, and last time was pretty ugly. I acted way outta line…probably 30 texts, plus emails and even voicemails. She made it clear I wasn’t to contact her anymore. Of course, she’s said that before. And I ignored it.
So today, I feel like hell. And my mind is doing its trick… “Certainly enough time has passed now…she’s ready”. And I’m really down and tired, and fighting this urge. I know it won’t end up good. But there’s this little, eentsy, weentsy, tiny voice in my head telling me she’s changed her mind and waiting for my call. This voice….it’s called “hope” I guess?….it’s hugely destructive. I cannot stand it.
What is it about these thoughts and feelings? Like my life will be blissful and complete, if I only had her back? I know, down deep, it’s pure bullshit. But the thoughts are there.
I miss her. And I know I’ll miss her in a month. And I’m fucking so sick of waiting for this to get substantially easier. I’ve had a few moments where I kinda felt like I was past it….today obviously I don’t. I’m almost at 5 months.
I visit this page a lot. It helps me. But Craig may be right. Too much reading and dwelling…does it just feed the monster??? It’s a huge crutch.
I see a lot of guys talking about “getting her out of my head”, “forget her”, “move on” etc… anybody actually having success with that? This chick of mine is in my head a couple hundred times a day, and I’m so SOOOOO tired of it. I know if I fight it, it’ll only be worse, right?
I may stay away from the page for a while. See how that goes.
Matt–
shes in my head too…some days are fine others are spent being miserable & lonely theres no rational reason for it, she doesnt deserve my affection. It is indeed hurtful that these girls can go on without contact seemingly no feelings toward us!Whats the deal with that??Do they just shut it off or are they that cold?The worst part about it in my opinion is in fact what you said…is she forgetting me?Here I am still having such a hard time moving on yet she told me a few weeks into the break up she was over me & suggested I do the same.Just dont put her on a pedistool ya know?Shes not as great as your mind puts off remember that & hey she lost out on the best thing she had, one way or another she’ll realize it.I beat myself up for too long thinking about her with this new guy (I had a funny feeling when I was introduced 6 mnths ago but played it off cool,asked her if they ever had a “thing” she assured me no, Im MUCH better in every way haha!) and its true, I know for a fact theres not a guy out there she would be better off so fuck her!I feel like a part of me is almost ruined from what my ex’s have put me through, like I cant trust females & by all means shouldnt after what Ive been put through…Thats kinda foolish but is almost like a second instinct.
Craig good advice man, as much as I do want my pictures back (i mean come on what kind of freak would keep my baby pictures hostage when shes with another guy??unless she did destroy them which is really a possibiltiy)I think its more so just that I want to talk to her, like actually talk but thats too much to ask & its probably for the best. Im not gonna let this spoiled immature little girl dictate the way my life goes from here!Hope you guys feel the same, its the cold hard truth. I for one am starting to really believe in a form of karma…I see it all around me & I still hope she gets every bit of what was dished out & then some (never had her heart broken) enough of that for now though Boo-Hoo!Poor Me :( as bad as we feel, hey were still alive & kickin right?Be good to yourself and have some fun whatever that may be you deserve it!
Mark
I recall that feeling of shock all too well…remember you telling us about the chicago trip. As much as its hard to grasp, you gotta see maybe this is good (moving on with the ease of not having her make it harder on ya)you know?Im sorry to hear about it still though, know all seems hopeless at times but it gets darkest before the sun comes up right???
“Every problem is an opportunity in disquise” -Ben Franklin
George: Stay strong, come back often and keep us updated?
Steve: Stay away if you think it will help but know you have a community here of people who care, and who understand.
Justin: Thanks man – it DOES suck.
A Q
George: Stay strong, come back often and keep us updated?
Steve: Stay away if you think it will help but know you have a community here of people who care, and who understand.
Justin: Thanks man – it DOES suck.
A Quick Update:
So I didn’t really sleep last night, after getting this long email from the ex, explaining the move. All upset I was, so this morning, olike an idiot, I call and leave her a teary message – “I can’t believe you left, moved to Ohio, etc etc”.
She calls me back – in the car with her BF, who is hearing everything! – and is laughing. “I didn’t think you cared that much” she says! Then she rips into, ‘You ruined my life, I hate you, I never loved you, I will always be angry with you” on and on. I finally just hung up on her ’cause I couldn’t take it any longer.
So now she’s gone. FOR GOOD. I’m going up to Boston for a couple days to hang with my best friend – I really need him right now. Talk to you guys when I get back and STAY STRONG EVERYONE!
Hi Steve, hi all.
In answer to your question about what it is that has kept her in my mind for so long, that’s a really hard one. Some of it is based on my absolute conviction that we were destined to be with each other, although a fitting definition of “destined” in that context eludes me since it didn’t work out, LOL. But a lot of it has to do with her vivacity, her humor, her worthiness. Also it springs from my sense of both of us having missed an opportunity for a relationship that would have led to each of us growing as individuals as well as a couple. By that I mean that the commitment of each of us to the other would cause each person to be better, to be more worthy.
It’s a strange world though, because even though I have these feelings, my wife doesn’t know about them, only one of my friends knows and aside from what I wrote here pretty much anonymously, I’ve never discussed them with anyone.
I guess the answer to the question of what was it that has kept her in my heart for so long is that I am completely certain that she was the one.
Also, Steve, things do get better with time. You’ll find that as your anger subsides, the intensity of her affect on you will subside as well and things will calm down. You may never fully understand that why’s of your breakup (as I have never been able to do), and you may remain convinced that the relationship should have worked out. But still, be mindful that the sting of rejection is powerful and may be a factor in your difficulties in terms of moving on.
Guys, I’ll admit that I haven’t read through all of the comments because there are so many of them, but to keep the thread going, I’m adding my two cents.
Firstly, for as hard as it is, you MUST NOT HAVE CONTACT WITH YOUR EX. Even if you want to get back together with her, the no contact rule is still the first action step. But if she dumped you, you’re probably not getting back together, so don’t torture yourself and interact with her. This means no texts, no phone calls, no face-to-face and NO INTERNET STALKING! Delete her from your facebook, your myspace, your AIM…whatever. If you must, burn her contact info onto a CD that you give to a friend and ask him to refuse you access to it for at least a month, but don’t risk having access to a means to contact her – because at some point you will, and you’ll just reset the grieving process.
Secondly, given the fact that you aren’t right for each other (or it’s not the right time for you), ask what is going on in your subconscious that is so overwhelming you? Getting over an ex is brutal – no doubt – and I’m in the process myself, but here’s the thing: until you’re ok with who you are, you won’t be your best in any future relationship. This means rebuilding your self-esteem, your confidence, your sense of self-worth… It also means establishing or rebuilding a life apart from your ex. This was the biggest mistake that I made – neglecting to continue developing all the other areas of my life – including friendships – that when my ex pulled the pin on us, I truly was left feeling like I had nothing. And that’s BS, because I’ve achieved amazing things professionally and personally, and in my 33 years have lived more than most do in a lifetime.
But it still didn’t change the fact that I felt like I’d lost everything, including the possibility for a normal, healthy future with a woman.
But now I am trying to focus on strengthening who I am, so that I don’t approach my next serious relationship from a position of weakness. I’m not bitter towards my ex; I miss her terribly, but there is so much I can do to better myself rather than wasting time over-mourning her.
SO I’m back in training (I used to be an elite athlete), I’m strengthening friendships and creating new ones (with men and women), I’m addressing some outstanding issues from my past so that they don’t creep into my present…I’m going back to grad school for a dual-degree program; and I’m trying to empathize with other people…and regain my humanity.
When my ex (who I’d been with for 15 months) left me, I hurt as badly as when my father died. Now that might sound silly, but that’s how I felt, which indicates that it is a serious loss that must be dealt with appropriately. And the best way that I’ve identified is to rebuild MY life and improve MYSELF so that the next time I have the opportunity for an LTR, I’m stronger and better, more discerning and happier with who I am.
Keep the faith.
Mark
I’m sorry for how you ex treated you on the phone and to hear her new BF laughing in the background has to be horrible. I would just break down if my ex ever said anything like that to me. My break-up wasn’t a bad break up in the sense that we were yelling and screaming and saying hurtful things, mine was we were sitting watching TV and her friends had called and asked if she wanted to hangout and I said “Yeah we can go” thinking it was an invite for both of us and that started a conversation on why I was never invited to hang out with her new group of friends from work and then she said I think that I just want to be friends and I said are you sure thats what you want (she had been going through this “I don’t know what I want phase) and I just said fine and let her walk out my door, and I regret like hell not stopping her and fighting for us, but I think that she had made her mind up a long time before then. There has never been and kind of anger towards each me and her (I guess that is why I hold on to some of the false hope). However, she has never treated me the way you ex treated you. I wish there was a magic pill that we all can take to make the pain go away, but there’s not so try to have fun in Boston and try not to talk to you ex now there is no reason on earth for you to be treated that way you deserve so much better than her.
All of this has been just about the single biggest impact on my life since around late May…now cant speak for everyone here but that was far too long in my opinion. Ive dwelled on things, actually every aspect of my relationship/breakup and then some….Ive cried my eyes out about things I cant change & at the same time imagined what I could have done to change the course of how things went down, how it would be now had that happened instead of this.My world as I knew it was crushed, the person I cared for most aside from myself was gone for good without a moments notice.Ide go without sleep, appetite was gone, no motivation, felt like a worthless piece of shit,Ide get upset when Ide hear those sad songs on the radio,etc. I went from being optimistic to pessimistic in a heartbeat & skipped the in between.Spent days beating myself up on the inside wondering how this guys any better than myself…what is it?theres gotta be something after all she chose to chase him & throw away what we’ve built for the past fourteen months.I had no closure and took my anger and pain out on drugs & alcohol, all the while her rubbing things in my face fueled that fire.I planned to get revenge by bringing harm to this guy which was suppose to make things all better right?Nope!It scared the hell out of me when I realized where things were headed…I looked for the answers to how and why this happened in all the wrong places!when all along I should have been asking why I care. Do I really even care anymore??The answers obvious yes I do/did…I say did because thats how I feel now, I DID care but NOT that much. By “not that much” I mean not enough to comprimise my own well being over it anymore,Fuck That!
I told her about a week before things ended that she was the best,truely the only good thing I had goin in my life…it rang true at the time and did until here just recently. I was wrong guys.I was a fool for ever thinking like that, this girl did not define me!Never did!Not in any way, no matter what kinda mushy-gushy, dopey dumb-dumb bullshit was going on in my narrow minded brain at the time. The best thing I had going was myself. That sound corny??yes a little!to me it makes alota sense too though, Im always gonna be there…no matter what!This poor thing just ruined the best thing she had/ever will hope to have.She probably doesnt even know that, might not for a long time, hell maybe she’ll never truely know what she gave up.I mean sure its a shame this girl who I cared for so much, that I spilt my own blood to protect over and over again, not to mention spent an endless amount of cash for the same one that told me she loved me unconditional and wanted to marry/have my children changed her mind and dropped me like a bad habit for a stranger without any remorse. Yep, its a real shame….well now that I look up & read over what Ive written I finally see Im the one that dropped the bad habit.Im a whole hell of alot better off for it too!
Wow that was long!!!!
Mark buddy thats some b/s I wouldnt wish that on anyone, but as usual Ive been in the same boat (almost freaky how much similar our cases were) You got your closure, sure it was a freakin shitty way to get it….you gotta grow from it though bro :) best of luck, update us when your back Ill def. check back to see whats goin on. Take care everyone & welcome jamie
Steve:
Though I completely understand, I absolutely hate the fact that you gave this woman the ultimate power of calling, emailing, and texting so many times. Nobody’s pleading should ever go ignored. You have to ask yourself if this is the type of woman you want to share anything else with? A woman that wont even answer your pleas? I think not. And that “little eentsy, weentsy, tiny voice in my head telling me she’s changed her mind and waiting for my call” is your ego dude, which can at times be your best friend or your worse ememy. Like I keep saying, she knows you all to well. When or if she decides to have another go round with you-she knows how to find you. Just dont wait for it man, bc hopefully when/if she does decide to look you up you will be no longer interested. Dont be a freak for pain. Keep me posted.
Justin:
I feel like I have a lot in common with you man. All I can tell you is that to be visiting this site and getting what you need to get off your chest is a tough but very theraputic thing to do. It also shows your guilt, longingness and decency. Think about it, most dudes that break up or get broken up with rarely feel gulty about thier actions or past mistakes, but you do. Not to mention lending your time to help others. Trust me dude, the ex knows your a good dude-all she needs is time and a little bit of burn from the whoever she’s paying attention to her right now.
Matt:
Your ex sounds very confused about what is happening and personally I feel that she is not being honest with herself. But either way, she is keeping you close with the mixed messages and phrases. That whole dont want yo to hate me crap is bullshit. When a woman is done she’s DONE, and doesnt give a flying fuck how you feel about it. My point is: All of her confusion is only confusing the hell outta you! Fall back from her a while and see what happens. I know its hard, but implement the NO CONTACT for 2wks and see where it goes. Trust me, if nothing else, you will feel better. Like I told steve we cant be a freak for pain anymore. Does absolutely no good.
Mark:
Mark my boy…….Man the worst of your storm has passed homey. I mean you already are dealing with what most dudes up here are dreading…..the fact that the ex has a new man! Dont even do it to yourself no more dude. I dont even know you but I seriously hate to see men like me in that position. Continuing to speak to her, and be concerned about her whereabouts, question whether she is sexing this new dude or not is suicide man. You are actually repositioning yourself from the main dude to a side piece! Fuck that homey. That shit makes me real hot and you should be too. Think about this..even if you do beg and pressure her to come back…who’s to say she wont still be messing with the new dude on the side? I mean look how fast she moved him into your spot. Stay focused dude.
To everbody that I missed:
I do my share of fucking up from time to time as well, and believe me, I beat myself up pretty bad for it. Your mind and your ego are your worse enemy. Dont listen too it when it prompts you to do something stupid; such as calling- seeking some satisfaction or ego stroking because as better judgement will tell you: ONLY PAIN AWAITS AT THE OTHER END OF THAT RESPONSE. I want a womant to come back to me because SHE wants to come back and NOT bc i begged her and made her feel guilty. Thats not real and it wont last even if she does. If you truly love her, and If you really want her back no matter how much time has passed or what you read here, remember that it will only be on HER terms and when she is ready. The best part about it is that maybe you wont want her anymore when she does attempt. Stay strong fellas-probably check back in on Friday.
Craig
Thanks for the words man. I kind of agree that my ex is confused, and I have kept the NO CONTACT rule in effect for 2 months and she has respected my wishes and not called me. I know she is dating another guy and starting dating him shortly after we broke up. He is a guy that she works with in the same department and when he first starting to text and im her she always told me that he was a nerd that collected swords and played video games all the time. Now everyone that know my situation has told me that this new BF she has won’t last because of the fact that they work in the same department and her mom works there as well and her mom was in our business all the time. Her mom couldn’t go one day without calling her and would call her every night she was at my house or we were out doing something, hell even if we were on vacation AND MY EX LIVED AT HOME! So it wasn’t like she never saw her mom. Now I know part of the problem was that my es was the oldest and pretty much the third parent, driving the kids around etc… and she really didn’t have a life before she meet me. No friends, she a few girlfriends but they were away at college. So when she started hanging out with co-workers they used to joke that you never marry your first BF (which I was). The things that I get mad over is that her co-workers used to tell me (on the few times I was allowed to hang out with them) was that before she met me everyone thought she was a bitch because she would never talk to anyone and frowned all the time and then when she meet me she came out of her shell and became more talkative, she joked more at work and so on. I have a feeling that these people kind of pushed her toward her new BF because he was part of their group because after a while I was never invited to go out with them as a group. She is a very influenced person and I think they got into her head. I wish that she would realize that she made a mistake and would come back, but I don’t see that happening, she is very stubborn. Plus she told me that she wouldn’t call me until I was ready to talk to her again and I know she won’t call me, and I have no plans of calling no matter how badly I want to. This fukin pain has be going on since Feb. and I am tired of it but nothing is helping. I can’t believe that it’s been almost 6 months since the break up and keep thinking aobut what she said the night she left. Maybe in 6 months to a year we can try again. I know its a BS statement, but my mind always goes there. Anyone else feel like there is someone, or something else controlling your thoughts. Like endless flashbacks in a bad movie. I fell like my mind is one of those sitcoms that do flashbacks for the whole show because they can’t think of something creative to write.
George,
I can’t help but be amazed at how similiar our situation is. For a minute there I thought I was reading my own post. Quck recap, I met my ex while she was married. She was actually seperated but legally married. The divorce was final and we got together. She has two kids from a previous marriage as well. We were together for a year and a half. Everything was good. Kids loved me, I loved them and we all just got along great. She entered the nursing program and she got really stressed out. I did everything in my power to help her with whatever so that she can focus on school. She started going out alot with her friends. That went on for about a month. I got tired of it and broke up with her. I didn’t deserve to be treated like that especially after everything I did for her and her kids. So I let her go. A few days later we talked about and she gave me the news that she didn’t want to have anymore children. I love kids and I don’t have any so it was such a
blow to the gut when she told me this. I should tell you that we did discuss having a child together prior to her starting nursing school and going out with her friends. I was really hurt because I knew there was absolutely no chance we were going to get back together. I didn’t want to sell myself short and she wasn’t willing to sacrifice for me. This was five months ago. Today, I’m doing much better. I’m slowly accepting the situation and I find myself thinking of her less. It’s going to be rough for a while but you’ll get through it.
Jamie,
What a breath of fresh air. You’re post really inspired me. Thank you!
Sergio,
Thanks for the kind words. I’m happy that my experiences could bring you some inspiration. None of this is easy, but I’ve spent a month in hell post-break up and I don’t want to feel like that anymore…so I’m committed to taking actions that will improve my well-being.
And I’m honored to have the chance to share them with others who might be going through the same.
That said, I’m all ears to any other suggestions for getting over the ex and properly completing the grieving process. I’m not into revenge and I don’t want to “hate” my ex as a means to get over her, but I do want and intend to move beyond this into a healthier state.
In fact, I’ve started a bit of reading about Borderline Personality Disorders, but specifically how they negatively affect relationships when the woman has BPD and the man doesn’t. It’s interesting stuff, as it really characterizes the relationship I was in and makes it somewhat easier to understand what was going on and why it’s difficult to break away from a desire to get her back.
Peace.
Jamie
Matt, you wrote: “Anyone else feel like there is someone, or something else controlling your thoughts. Like endless flashbacks in a bad movie.”
I can definitely empathize with this. At the end of the day though, YOU control YOUR mind. Maybe right now it feels to you like you can’t control your thoughts and you’re compelled to think of your ex. But is that what you want? No matter how awesome of a chick she is, you need to be OK with yourself and you need to be confident in your development as a human being, so that while you may love a woman, she is not an irreplaceable component of your identity, nor the one most important thing that defines you.
Maybe what is controlling your thoughts is the subconscious hope/desire/expectation of reconciling w/ her in 6mos or a year. If you can let go of that, you’ll free your mind and your spirit, be able to focus on making yourself the best you can be, and in 6-12mos if something is going to happen it will. But you might not even want to reconcile w/ her at that point.
Great stories guys. I got one too. It’s a bit complicated. I’ll give the ultra short version, but it’s still going to be a bit long.
I met my ex when she was married. She and her husband lived in my apt. building. We got along great and ended up having an affair. I’m not proud of this. She moved out, got a separation, then a divorce and eventually moved out of town. I ended up quitting my job, and moving in with her. We moved to four cities together over a three year period. She is a lawyer and most of the work I’ve done is sales and waiting tables. She worked for 4 law firms over 3 years because she was never satisfied. Needless to say it was hard finding work with my resume gone to shit from all the moves. I got so many rejection letters I couldn’t count them. But all along, we developed a great relationship. We were best friends, and the connection was really strong.
Anyway, February before last we moved to the coast of North Carolina. By this time, I was working for a beer company but now I needed to get work at a new place. I honestly did not want her supporting me whatsoever.
After living here a year and a month and me working odd sort of jobs and not making a ton of money, she said she couldn’t support me anymore. I had to go. I was scared to death. As I said, I tried and tried and tried to get full time work, but the market sucks so bad in the US right now, it was just hard. Plus, as I said, we went from town to town for her career moves, not mine.
Anyway, I left and went and stayed with my folks up north. Bad move. I had no job, no money, and was missing my girlfriend. This was in mid March of this year. We had agreed to work it out. I could possibly find work and make some cash for us to help out and then come back soon.
I was scared to death, but I understood something had to be done. I went up north and again, couldn’t get shit. My folks lived in rural part of the state where they live and I was hitting everything up. Temp agencies, you name it. Same thing I was doing when I was living with my ex. After about a month up there, she and I start having some bad conversations and she starts to pin a lot of blame on me. We talked when we could and emailed, but her tone started to change. Finally, I was talking to her on the phone and she said she didn’t want to date anymore. I was furious and so upset. Here I was, in bumfuck, with nothing, absolutely nothing, just a few clothes I took with me when I left, trying to find a way to get back to my girl and help out as best I could, and she starts to change her tune.
I end up driving back down to North Carolina, desperately trying to save the relationship. She wouldn’t even let me stay in our apartment I had only been gone a little over a month. I barely got to see my dogs. I cried my eyes out. I told her that this was wrong, that she was making a mistake. I had to get a shitty hotel room that night. It was the worst night of my life. I truly loved this girl, and thought she loved me. The next day we went to the beach, just to talk some more, me being a wreck, tears in our eyes, I’m asking her, “Is there someone else?” No, she says, tears coming down her face. She said that she just didn’t love me anymore and that she didn’t know what to do.
I knew that I could make it right though. I told her that I’d do anything. I felt terrible. She had supported me and I let her down when we needed it. It was all my fault. Although hurt, I went back up north with a new vigor, to do what I could to make it right and get back down there with some cash. I did a lot of work for my folks who own property up just enough to make some cash for an apartment and some bills.
All the while she and I were still emailing and talking some. I was still hurt really bad. She told me that if we were ever going to work it out, she had to see me living on my own, supporting myself. That was fine I thought to myself. I’ll do anything for the love of my life.
Guys, I was desperate and was in some serious emotional trauma. Some of our emails were nice, some were unfriendly. I just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t getting through. I couldn’t get it. I loved her. We spent the last three years together. She even led me on here and there that we might still work it out. In my fragile state, that’s all I needed. I lost weight, got sick, got angry, sad, had suicidal thoughts, all that.
Finally I made the decision to go back. I’ve been here a little over a month, and still no work. However, I’ve done so much, that I’m actually waiting on an offer from a place doing ad sales. But I’ve been really trying as hard as I can. Like I said, market is awful. I came back down with the mindset that I was coming back for me, not her. I wasn’t going to go live somewhere else just because she and I weren’t together.
She still owns my car. I make the payments, but she owns it. Same with my cell.
Shortly after moving back down, in a new place, I found out that she started dating someone, a doctor, whom I had sort of known, a less than a month after I had left back in March. Stupidly, I met her for lunch a few weeks ago and she is a completely different person. She’s not mean, she’s just totally indifferent to me. She doesn’t care one bit about the pain and grief that I’ve been going through. She convinced herself that I was a terrible boyfriend, who manipulated her. She called me self centered. She honestly shows no remorse for anything. I never had proper closure, and I was lied to about her seeing someone else. I had built my life around this girl and now she is so dismissive that it’s truly scary.
I guess the point of this is that I could never see that she was playing me. She left her husband for me, and then quickly found some doctor to replace me. She had it all planned out. On top of that, I realized that while living with her, my self esteem suffered so much that I was hurting myself even more.
I idolized this girl and it was such a bad thing to do. I always kept the “it’s gonna work out” thing in my head. One of things I’ve learned is that an ex girlfriend or wife, will lie to you about why she let you go, that’s what they do. Another is that my ex let me carry around so much shame and guilt that it nearly killed me. That was a truly awful thing to do. I did a lot for that girl. I tried my ass off to find some work, I made her lunch and dinner everyday, and I showed her so much love.
I believed her when she said I manipulated her and it was all my fault. Never let a girl do that. That’s what they do when they want to make themselves look good and have no responsibility.
I had so much pain that I began to hate myself while she was fucking a guy and lying to me about it. I even sort of knew the dude. I have found out so many things that she lied to me about.
I’m not even really hurt anymore, just amazed that a person can be so cruel to someone they love.
Don’t ever let them hurt you like that by shattering your self esteem and blaming you for everything, don’t give them the power. Be kind to yourself, and do what you have to do to better yourself.
Sorry for long post guys.
Jacob, so sorry to hear what you’re going through, man. I can really empathize with you.
Two lines from your post stand out. The first:
“I had built my life around this girl and now she is so dismissive that it’s truly scary.”
and the second:
“Be kind to yourself, and do what you have to do to better yourself.”
I think you’re coming around to this realization, but the notion of building your life around someone else is very dangerous for your self-esteem. If your decision making is such that major life choices are made exclusively for your partner, you run the serious risk of not having a life, not having self-esteem, not having an independent identity should your relationship sour.
It sounds like that’s what you’ve gone through.
However, I’m very hopeful for you, because you close your post with words of advice that every man AND woman should heed: “Be kind to yourself, and do what you have to do to better yourself.” Right on, brother. Invest in you and work to become the best person that YOU can be, so that you’re NOT dependent on someone who is co-dependent and needs to be needed/control your circumstances. Taking control of your own life can be one of the scariest actions imaginable, but when you succeed you’ll be liberated.
Use that vigor you went back up north with to rebuild YOUR life and YOUR identity, so that when next you have the opportunity to be emotionally and physically intimate with someone, you’ll be doing it with the knowledge that they add color and value to your life experience, but you’ll always be capable of standing proudly on your own two feet.
Same goes for women, of course.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Jamie
6 years ago I split up with my university girlfriend after going out for about 2 years, she was also my first serious girlfriend. We split shortly after graduation (which seems to be quite common?). Anyhow, it hurt, alot, I moved away, she dated someone else after about 3-4months. I hooked up with my current girlfriend after about 7 months, and we’ve been going out for 5 years now.
Recently things have become a bit detached for me, I feel like we’re two people co-habiting with sex on top. I’m not sure what I even feel any more in this relationship. Almost like I don’t care, I’m starting to think she’s just not the one for me, which is really hard to deal with. I think she’s noticing too, because I keep being accidentaly inconsiderate, which leads to big fights.
That asside, I just met up with some old university friends last night, and she was there too. I had keep her at arms reach since we broke up and didn’t ever call, or even email her. We talked a bit, she’s still got that buzz, she’s still hot, and… she’s recently engaged. We had quite a few beers and it was getting pretty late so had to go. A couple of big hugs (I missed her) and I left. I just about got out of the bar/club before almost bursting into tears. I ended up sat on the curb up the street crying to myself, being consoled by a stranger.
I can’t believe after six years this would happen. I feel like I’m broken all over again, I can’t even remember the reasons we split up, although I’m not sure I would really ever want her back. I just mad me really sad about my current relationship, it’s nothing like the spark I had with my ex. She made my heart leap so aften and that just never happens now. We had the best adventures. I feel like I’m loosing myself, drinking more, being distant. I don’t think I’ve even got the balls to split up.
What a mess. What to do.
Jake…great post man, like jamie said you hit the nail right on the head brother!Good to hear your got it all together, I think you see the big picture… feels relieving huh?lotsa excellent advice included & I thank you for that :) perfect opportunity to better yourself right?
Jamie- cant wait to read more of your posts….very inspirational keep it up!!
Craig man I too feel we got alot in common…too bad its gotta be this huh?your right this site helped tremendously as far as pushing me to think outside the box, wonderful input & opinions from people who have been there and know exactly how I feel.just hope maybe something Ive said helps one of you out there (haha I try!)I agree with you that sooner or later these girls are gonna look back & see what they lost out on…maybe they need to go through what we have to see that?I dont know, for a long time I anticipated the day she would be running back to me after getting totally treated like she did me. Those thoughts got me off, but now realize it doesnt matter!not gonna wait for that to come (if it even does?)moving on to bigger & better things, I wont be here waiting for that…you gotta know when to step up,cut your losses & take control of your life.
Better yourself, whatever that includes only you truely know right?You’ll fall in love with the results no-joke!personally I feel like a brand new man. like what I once viewed as the worst thing Ive been through, is ultimatly the starting point of a new future for me.that make sense?
Its been said before take care of yourself.
Jamie, Justin – thanks for the kind words guys.
Never in my life did I ever think that I would have been so devastated by a girl. I did build my life around her, and she had and used her ability to cause me a great amount of pain. I think I might have said it in my post, but all I had left were a few clothes, and a car payment I couldn’t make.
I also found out that I had a lot of issues my childhood come up when this happen. My father died when I was ten from MS. I never thought it had much of an impact on me, but it did. I had repressed a lot of emotions of blame and guilt for many years. Even though it looked the part, I never allowed for any emotion or vulnerability. I always wore an emotional mask.
When my ex asked me to leave and then almost immediately started dating someone, those abandonment issues from my past came out with a vengence. I had no idea what was happening. I was completely devastated and felt so bad about myself. Also , I was sort of getting strung along by my ex allowing me to think that we could work it out.
After about 3 months of constant feelings of grief and pain associated with the loss of my ex and the loss of everything I knew I had to try to get to the bottom of things.
I found out that I had really low self esteem. Then, after further reading and research, I figured out that I suffered from issues of abandonment. I turned 30 last January, and I never properly addressed those emotions that stemmed and were buried from my fathers death. When my ex kicked me out, and in addition to my low self esteem, it was trigger that completely shattered me. My mind and body said “No more rejection, time to fight.”
That is why it was and has been so hard. I found a book called The Journey From Abandonment to Recovery, by an author named Susan Anderson. It has helped me out immensely.
All my life I buried my emotions. My ex was one person that I let into my world. I’ve always been really social, I’m pretty good looking, never had a problem getting girls, but I never let any of them in because I thought that it would show weakness.
As I said in my previous post, my ex, now with her doctor, completely dismisses me. Calls me a manipulator and the most self-centered person she’s ever met. She characterizes me as a monster. I believed her for so long that I was all those things. I let the guilt and shame keep me down. Plus the guilt and shame I carried with me as kid. I was nothing like that. I was and am a great guy. Sure we had some problems, but absolutely adored her. The person she is now has let herself believe all these things about me so that she won’t feel any guilt over what she has done. I know I did things to complicate the relationship, I’m not saying I was a prince, but I did a ton for that girl. I really thought she was the one.
I’ve also realized that I put her on a pedestal and let her have this power over me. Once she decided to end it, and I was left with nothing, she gained the control. Now, instead of being so hurt by her, after months of what has seemed to be tantamount to torture, I find her behavior to be so ugly and cruel. I think she was a fool for letting me go and karma will eventually come around to her.
I guess I’m trying to say that the problems that arise from any kind of abandonment as a child can really mess you up. Guys, if you think you might have a similar problem, do some research on it and get some help. I don’t know if I would have reacted so badly if I would have had my problems addressed by a professional. But I am happy that I am moving the right direction. Reading that book, doing exercises to relieve the pain of shattering and anger, and getting physical exercise has helped me out tremendously.
And yes, after everything, and accepting that it’s over and taking her off her pedestal has been great. To finally reject her and learning that there’s a new future with a better me in it is a great feeling.
Thanks again guys.
Very deep post bro…Im taking everything you said into consideration, and with most of it Im feelin like you read my mind (alot of the same stuff goin on) I was also “blown off” by my ex right away, I use the term blown off because lack of a better word…I had a great deal of problems going on in my life at this time (unresolved issues of the past Ive never taken into consideration too)then she sprung this on me & to top it all off she couldnt be honest about it…”oh I need a break wait for me?” “want to be single” it all contradicted itself…I was a real mess already, just couldnt figure things out for the life of me!!I begged & pleaded with no avail…then the truth comes out… I hit rock bottom, no-one deserves to be done like that. I can also relate to how the person shes become makes her act like just that, a whole different person.(with the help of friends)not gonna go all out into detail but she just turned eighteen in Oct. of last year & you know how that is…Party Time right?She doesnt have too many friends anymore, always hangs with a small group of people…all they do is get fucked up its all they have in common (didnt like it when I was there cause Jaimes in the army & so drugs arent real smart choice)Anyways I never got along with her best friend, she was shady as hell, a compulsive liar & in the hospital almost daily for suicide attempts, drug o.d.s, etc….yeah everybodys got issues but I flat out didnt trust this girl. Long story short she hung out with them more & more and me less…. dude Jaime hooked up w/ is this girls best friend, needless to say she helped out alot (Jaime asked her for advice on us haha!)how nice right? well they’ve been talking for quite some time I dont know how long & frankly dont want to…it use to kill me thinking about it but now that I see it without bein bias I realize its fucked up & its beyond me. She was gulliable, immature, unfaithful and didnt care about my feelings.She was cold as ever when I tried to talk & rubbed it in my face after it came out, I got pictures in my email of them together & all that crap…she wouldnt give me the time of day like I did something to deserve that??She treats me worse than her abusive ex that I got into it with over her….she even went as far as to try & file harassment charges saying I stalked her (dropped because lack of evidence & conflicting stories)dont think i gotta explain myself there Im not that kinda person but was in the state of mind where now Im suprised I didnt do something stupid like hurt myself or that guy (damn close).This is the most Ive told anybody about this that wasnt directly involved….its over now, doesnt matter but its out there & Im moving on :) I know in my heart nothing she said about me is true, its what she has to make herself believe to justify things I assume, I dont know but whatever you know time to move on.long & drawn out I know but venting completed!thanks!
Hey Everyone great posts. Having a really shitty night, just got back from my co-ed football game and feeling really low. I don’t know before and during the game I’m fine laughing and joking around with some of the cute girls on the team and during the game I’m so focused on it that I’m not even thinking about my ex. But then as soon as the game is over it hits me and it doesn’t matter if we won or lost I am feeling shitty and lonely all over again. I think a lot has to do with a couple of things one, she always played on all the teams that I played on softball, football, basketball etc… and two I see all the couples that play on teams leaving together and it makes me think of her and three I have been feeling really shitty lately because last year she and I had planned this great vacation for last week and I was going to propose to her then. So I have been dwelling on that for a while. It was also tough cause I asked one of the hot girls if she wanted to get a few drinks after the game so we hit up the local pub, and who do I run into but my ex’s bitch of a sister. She came over to our table and sat down and was acting all nice saying but kind of putting me down in “a nice way” right in front of the girl from my team. So that pretty much ruined the night and I am sure that my ex’s sister called her and told her this which I really don’t care, but I could tell that the girl from my team could tell that I am not over my ex, because she got real quite and starting asking questions about my ex and I tried not to show any emotion when I answered. Anyway, sorry for the long post but I just wanted to thank everyone on this board because when I read what everyone writes I feel a little bit better. So Thanks
So I just called her dad (who I thought I was cool with) just to set up a dentist appt. & hopefully get my baby pictures back since she wont give them up….they had my number blocked on both home phones, his work & cell. Kinda shitty, like Im a fuckin stalker or something??
ive crumbled and its all my fault, the weakness set in and like a newborn puppy i ran through those heavenli gates expecting paradise but ended up getting even more confused!!!
The ex txt me late last night asking if i wanted to go round to hers. Well the place is still effectively mine, but i had been doing well with the no contact rule, yet it seems this is what was aggrevative her, she said she wanted to hear from me and she hated that it wasnt happening.
I ended up meeting her, we slept together and ended up in eachothers arms like the days when we were a proper couple. My head was in a state of confusion, i wanted to enjoy the moment yet i knew something was up. In the morning we cuddled and were very close, it was the happiest moment i had had with her since we started going out.
We left eachother, we left kissing on the lips, etc yet this wasnt the story the week before where she was telling me to move on and to just forget about me and her.
She then txt me later saying it wasnt fair on me, as it surely messed with my head and i shouldnt get my hopes up, no dog doo lol!!!!
I reply saying we should just be casual and see one another once a week, take things easy and just build it back up. She replies saying she couldnt cope with a relationship at the mo and needs me time, i understand this.
I tell her to relax and see how things go with no pressure, when she wants to see me she knows where i am. I played it cool but deep inside it was killing me.
She responds with we will see and that she is confused and she isnt sure where she us at and whats right and wrong.
I cant understand her as for someone with no feelings etc, it would have just been sex and nothing else. Its been 4 weeks and she and even myself cant accept the closure rule.
I want her back but i have to give her space. How should i play this situation? I dont want to mess it up and dont want to push her as ive done this before and the outcome wasnt good
Your opinions and help much appreciated
Hey guys…
I’m back. Tried to stay a way a bit, but I just find reading these posts comforting, and it’s something I’m going to allow myself a while longer at least. Sometimes being alone with your thoughts is just too much to handle.
To all the posters, thanks for the continued sharing. Justin, Mark, Matt, Sergio, JG etc…keep the faith, guys. I’m reading everything and feeling it. The newer posters….Jacob, Jamie….thanks for showing up and sharing. It’s good stuff. And of course Craig. Thanks for keeping us honest, bro (your comments on how my ex has shut me down and left me twisting in the wind were brutal, but much-needed, and appreciated. I am grateful).
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of a constant, CONSTANT returning to self. And self-kindness. Jamie’s comments are killer…this “over-mourning” (great term) is a waste of energy. It takes ownership of your very own life and gives it to a woman who wants nothing to do with you. You must be first, to live an authentic life. It’s not selfish, it’s mandatory.
Jacob’s story is a similar wake-up call. You’ve sacrificed so much and put your eggs in that too-vulnerable basket. I’m very glad you’re seeing things more clearly now. This stuff is a gift. That’s the way to look at this transitional stuff. Definitely a learning process.
Keep sharing….keep focused. And be prepared to fall, and get right the fuck back up again.
Later!
JG,
I feel your pain bro. It’s hard to keep the no contact rule in effect. It’s hard not to pick to the phone when you see her calling or texting, but the fact of the matter is you have to be strong and not answer. Trust me I fight every day not to call my ex especially when I know that it is hurting her feelings that I won’t talk to her (as she has told me this the last time we talked) and I am always afraid that if I don’t talk to her that I might be passing up a second chance or she will forget me. I know how bad it hurt and it takes all the energy in the world to do nothing.
My best advice for you is that if there is a possibility of you guys getting back together (which I am sad to say the odds are stacked against you and all of us who are holding on to some kind of hope)the one thing that you have to do is no contact. If she wants space then give it to her, let her be free. As the old saying goes and trust me I am sick of people telling me this but it’s true. If you truly love someone let them free and if they come back then its meant to be. Right now it seems as if she is using you as a safety net for when she get lonely and wants a warm body, I’m not saying that she doesn’t still have feelings, but she just not ready to explore them right now. Plus a reality is that distance does make the heart grow fonder and maybe if she feels you slipping away she will explore those feelings.
Another thing I have read is that by chasing her and always talking to her about getting back together is just push her away. By us chasing them and letting them know how much we need them shows some weakness for lack of a better word and while we may think that we are justing telling them what they want to hear and being romantic apparently we’re not.
Lastly and while I might not always agree with these so called “how to get your girl back” gurus, I do agree with this and that is before we can ever hope to get back with our ex we have to fix ourselves first. Because if we don’t and we get back together then we are going to fall into the same patterns and we are going to lose our loves all over again and it will hurt ten times worse. This always reminds me of a scene in the movie “Swingers” (not sure if you’ve seen it) Mikey is sitting in a coffee talking about his ex with his buddy and his buddy says “They always seem to come back when the know you’re over them, I don’t know how they know but they just know.” If you leave her alone and if she really wants to get back together with you then she will find a way to find you. It’s hard when you want something so bad and you can’t have it. I never truly knew what love was until I dated my last ex and I think about every day and still cry over her, but I will not give that ego boost of her knowing that I am like this and that is why I will not to talk to her as hard it is. I hope this helps, but we all need be aware that there is a good chance that this is the end for good, we all need to let go of this hope of a second chance. i know this is easier said than done trust me I can’t let go of this hope myself and it’s tearing my up inside knowing I am here feeling this way and she is out there with another guy even if everyone says her new relationship won’t work.
Stay strong buddy
[WARNING: This is a long post. Most is background information. Skip ahead to the last few paragraphs if you only want the information that you can use in your own recovery – I won’t be offended.]
Hey guys, just checking in… I’ve been doing a lot of research on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and on the notion of returning to self and addressing deeper issues that make one respond with such despair to a break-up (such as suffering from the “Caregiver” mentality or a deficiency in belief in self-worth and intrinsic value).
For roughly 6 weeks after my ex dumped me, I played the role of the reactionary, paralyzed by the break-up and able only to relive old memories, project thoughts of a hopeless future, obsess over what the ex was doing and basically compound my misery. I Facebook and MySpace stalked her and definitely didn’t follow the no contact rule – as recently as 10 days a