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Text Messaging – How to Stop Hoping and Waiting For Her Reply

How to avoid sitting around waiting for a text message How to avoid sitting around waiting for a text message

It has been 15 minutes since you sent her a text. You just said that you had a great night last night, and asked when you would see her again. You have read it a couple of times after you sent it – was it any good? Could you have done better?

30 minutes passes. You have been checking your cell phone like a maniac. Why hasn’t she replied?!

45 minutes. Now you get all these wierd thoughts that, maybe she wasn’t that into you? But you vibed pretty well, didn’t you? What went wrong?

You start analyzing the evening for mistakes or clues. Nothing. Just a wait a minute! There was this awkward silence, and…

There is no point in continuing the story. You’re a smart guy, you get the point. I’m pretty sure you have been there, too. I know for sure that I have.

It’s a dark, dark place waiting for a text message reply. It downright sucks.

So what is there to do about it?

It’s about a change in mind

The simplest way to say it is this: Stop caring so much!

I know it can be hard. Really hard. But if you don’t want to walk around your whole life and just wait, it is absolutely crucial to learn it.

There will be hundreds of girls. She was just one of them.

This is the attitude you need to take on when you send a text message:

  • I don’t really care if she replies to this message. It’s just a text, I’m just a guy, and she’s just a girl.
  • It would be nice if she did reply, though, because I think she’s kind of cute and I would like to get to know her better.
  • I have better things to do than sitting around and waiting. I have a life. There will be others.
  • Now I’ll just live on and accept whatever the outcome may be.

So maybe she will reply. Maybe she never received the SMS. There are 1000 possibilities.

But in the end, it’s all about the amount of importance you lay on her reply. If it honestly doesn’t mean much to you, what’s the big deal?

Don’t check your phone all the time

Guys, this is huge! Try to really become “outcome independent” of your phone.

No, you don’t need to take it with you everywhere you go, just in case

No, you didn’t just hear your phone. It was probably something else.

No, you don’t need to check it every 5 minutes. And just in case you actually got a SMS, what difference does it make if you don’t read it right away?

Just chill. That’s the basic lesson for today. Don’t take dating so god damn serious!

When to write again

If, after a day or two she still hasn’t replied, it may be time to send another text, just to give it another shot.

Try to not sound too needy. Something along the lines of this should work:

“Hey (girl/nickname), too busy to reply, are you?… That’s just too bad, since I think you’re cute and would like to see you again! :-)

This is not necessarily an example of a good text message, it is just an example. And it may not be your style at all, always remember to ‘be yourself’.

I know it’s old advice, but to be yourself means to be congruent and authentic. Two really important qualities.

What you want to achieve is just some kind of life signal from her side. Maybe she didn’t receive your first text, and in that case, it was a good idea to send her another one.

Maybe she just forgot about it or actually ignored it. If that’s the case, she may reply to this one.

If she doesn’t, is she really worth spending your time and energy on?

I think not.

Third text

If you want to, and she haven’t replied to your second SMS, you can send a third one after a week or something.

A sample could be this:

“Are you alive?”

If she doesn’t text you back after that message, I would just delete her number.

But that’s just me. It’s your call ;-)

Let us hear your stories on waiting for text messages (or calls, for that matter) in the comments.

Photo by Don Solo.

264 thoughts on “Text Messaging – How to Stop Hoping and Waiting For Her Reply

  1. John

    Dear Andy,

    Your main question was, “why haven’t i heard from her ever since i’ve sent that message? I really need her approval about that message that i thought was funny”.

    Well, to be honest, i didn’t think there was any problem. There’s two ways this is going.

    1. She hates gay topics. So the moment you mention anything about gay stuff, she is totally turned off.

    2. She just happens to want to do something else after smiling at the cute little message that you’ve sent.

    That’s all.

    There is no need to feel insecure about her “lack of replies”. So it’s 2 days since she last replied you? You’re like saying, “if she exceeds 48 hours without contacting me, i’m a total failure as a man.” Hey duuuuude….

    I’ll just remind you that everyone has a life of his/her own. Including yourself. With all due respect to girls out there, there’s no need to put them on a pedestal and worship them and hope to gain their approval. If you need to understand that feeling, think of your best mate in your life, like buddy, male buddy. Don’t you guys just do anything you want, ignore each other, neglect each other, poke fun at each other without thinking much?

    Yeah. I’m not saying you wanna head the same way and end up as “just be friends” with this girl, but, take it easy is my advice. It’s just 1 x message that was not replied to. Chill dude!

    Ice breaker? Ask about her studies??? I’m not an advocate of “normal” conversations over sms, its really boring, unless you can inject fun. But still, let’s keep things real. You meet her, you sms her. You don’t meet her, no amount of smses is gonna get you laid. That’s for sure. When was the last time you heard about a guy who got laid just by pure messaging? LOL.

    Anyway, hope you can see my point. We’re all here to learn, myself included. I’ve come across these same things myself and i KNOW it is difficult to practice what i preach but, what the heck. They make sense, don’t they?

    Hear from you soon,
    John

    Reply
  2. Andy

    Hi John,
    Take some time to ready this boring story.
    I like this girl in office who is very reserved and very professional.Its been few weeks since we know know each other.
    She talks,chats and smiles when we come face to face…she knows that im interested in her and still talks.usually i never find her talking to guys.But she will always take few minutes time to reply while chatting online.
    when i ask,She agreed for lunch couple of times,by saying that could be great but i understand she is scared about her girl friends and colleagues,whom i dont know,so it didnt work.
    I have stopped contact since 2 weeks when she didnt reply to my How are you message.
    Should i move on and forgoet her or ask one last time,wat she thinks? If yes, what is the best way to msg?

    Thanks
    Andy

    Reply
  3. John

    Dear Andy,

    First off, when i read your post, i didn’t understand why you have to pre-tell me that it’s gonna be a boring story. It says a lot about your confidence level, doesn’t it? I would be so inclined to link this lack of confidence to your dating scene, which obviously is going to slow you down a little bit, hinder you, whatever. Confidence is really important but unfortunately can never be taught until you learn to exude it yourself.

    Next you mentioned that this girl in office that you liked talked to you a few times (though i do not know to what level). Was it kind talk? Was it a hows-your-work-coming-along type of conversations?

    Next, to your actual problem that is, you asked about lunch a few times and they fell through each time?? I thought she agreed to them, so why on earth did it not happen? How can she both agree and NOT do it, im afraid i think i missed some detail over here. But i have a nagging feeling about what the problem is…

    Lastly, you wanted a “best way to message”. Look, there isn’t a best way. But i looked at the situation and it seems like you’re not getting anything done. If you lack the social interaction with this woman, messaging is not going to work. Even if she does give you replies and stuff, it doesn’t even mean anything, and shouldn’t mean anything. It only counts when she accepts you as a person and talks to you as a person, not as a name on her phone screen or computer screen. Give it one last shot and try to get it to work. If not, you should really move on and stop lingering on something that isn’t going to work.

    Look, i know that i’ve said some stuff that you might not like to see, but the brutal truth is the best preparation i can give you. There are also times when i give girls a few chances to work out with me. A few times at best, say 5? If she doesn’t even bother about the events i’ve planned out, why should i try even more? She’s not interested and i must move on, whether i like it or not. That’s life. And i usually like to make guys i talk to, to imagine.

    Imagine a girl you do not like making advances to you such as lunch dates (theoretically putting yourself in your girl’s situation to check out the emotions involved), how would you react to them? Then next picture that a girl that you LIKE, making advances to you in the same way. Is your response different in each case?

    Lastly, think about the responses that you’ve received from the girl that you like. Which one does it match? I do not know, and i’ll leave it up to you to do the comparison. It’s your privacy and i hope for the best for you. Hope everything works out fine.

    John

    Reply
  4. Andy

    Hi John,

    Thank you so much for the detailed reply.
    I agree with you 100 % and liked what you said and didnt feel bad at all.

    Infact the confidence was always there but i was comparing to other questions in this thread.as i did not have much to write in detail so thought hard to get a feedback with less info.
    I have decided to move on but when i came across your site and your anwsers, thought it would be good to hear from the horses mouth and i got more than i asked for.
    I do have good confidence levels when talking with a person face to face but little skeptical while virtual cos of the language.
    All i can say till now,is she knows im interested and had general talk about how we are doing rather than work related.I caught her staring twice so i took a chance to ask for lunch knowing she is very reserved.

    Yes she agreed for lunch happily when i asked and said sometime but stragely she didnt get back or tell the day even though i reminded twice and then i just left it.Now we sit in different offices and hardly meet.im a foreigner in her country.

    Il give one final shot before shift deleting and move on happily.Thank you once again.
    Keep up your great work.

    Cheers!
    Andy

    Reply
  5. Josh

    There’s a girl I like, same age as me, and lately I have been talking to her more than usual. We exchanged numbers and so the next night texted her how her day was. She replied after 1 hour and asked the same question back. I told her it wasn’t that good and waited till she asked why. She didn’t reply and the next day I saw her in person. We only caught glares, we’re on the same school bus, and asked how I was whilst walking to her seat which was way behind. Later I caught her staring at me but didn’t say anything to me. The same time i also found out she has a boyfriend as she was holding his hand and leaning on him whilst staring. I think they just started going out. She still hasn’t replied to me and it’s now the school holidays. I don’t get what she’s doing, she looks at me but never texts back. It’s been 4 days since our last text what do I do.

    Reply
  6. will

    7 years ago i broke up with a girl i dated her for 2 years 6months later she was engaged she later married and had a kid. 2 years into the marriage he husband was cheating on her with all kinds of women and hookers. she always seamed to keep in touch calling me here and there, she called me on her wedding day i was the 1st person she called besides her mom when she found out her husband was cheating .she was 2 months preg with her second child at the time. anyways over the last year we have been in contact and see each other once in awhile . ok the kicker here i have been with someone for 5 years now and have a child.but i cant stop thinking of the ex. over the last year she has always commented on us being together sex etc she is going threw her divorce now. the contact has been daily except for the last 19 days the calls and texts stop and i know she is on dating sites etc i am really missing her and jealous cause she probally has someone in her life now. this happened last year as well she found a bf and the contact stopped and then started when she broke up with him i am obiously just a comfort thing when needed but i just wanna get over her and stop wanting her i just want the opinion of people who do not now me please let me know what your take is on this. ps she just text me that she had just found something she had been looking for 4ever . wtf

    Reply
  7. John

    Hi josh,

    So you liked a girl whom you found out yourself quite soon, is currently attached. Then you also mentioned that she did not give you a reply about asking you why your day wasn’t good…

    hey dude, give it a thought. An attached girl + a sms from someone whom she just knew + expecting a reply for something that is just casual asking…

    What are you expecting?

    There are so many things that “went wrong”. Technically, not that you did anything wrong. You weren’t in the right place to expect anything anyway! Let me explain (although you should already have understood…)

    An attached girl:
    She’s got a BOYFRIEND. By definition, it means that no one is gonna have a great chance at her unless you’re damn handsome and rich and look like brad pitt or something. Even so, she might decide to stick to her current boyfriend, for wanting of a stable life, avoiding strange conflicts over someone she just knew. It makes no sense for her to give you any sort of replies in the first place!!! She’s not OBLIGATED to say anything to you.

    an sms from someone not close:
    Hey what would you do if some girl got your number and immediately tried to sms you right off the bat and expecting you to have long deep conversations with her? Creepy right? The first thing you’d think is “Yikes, is she trying to do something with me? i better stay away”. SAME STORY. And you just got her number. This means that you probably are not THAT close to her to warrant anything (frequent replies).

    Casual text:
    You were asking about how her day was. You said yours sucked and wanted her to ask you why?
    First, what’s so interesting about asking you why your day was bad? why should she be concerned over you? I think you’d have a better chance at getting a reply (if replies is all you care about) if you had said you were modelling for calvin and klein’s underwear series. I’m not trying to pick on you but really, i’m trying to get you to see the difference in the “want” to reply from these two types of texts. Which would you smile to and excitedly press the reply button and call the person’s bluff???

    Second, avoid talking about things sucking in your life. If anything’s a turn off, this would be it. It gives off all sorts of negative vibes. Imagine someone you knew, and all he does when he sees you is that he complains to you. At first you might see it as him treating you as a “good friend” and sharing woes and stuff. But sooner or later, you’ll find that your friendship is nothing but an entire negative thing. When you see him, you know that you’re gonna talk negative stuff all over again. Where’s the fun man?

    Lastly, you also mentioned something about her staring at you while leaning on her boyfriend. I think you are trying to get me to think that she’s with someone but she wants you? Hey, get real. She’s not gonnna suddenly “realise” that you are the one she loves and breaks up with that guy and come to you. I’m not gonna say anything, but i ask you to think, is that what you were expecting to happen? Really?

    Conclusion:
    Get to know someone you have social interaction with first. If you never had any face to face interaction frequently, don’t even think of liking her or her liking you. Love doesn’t happen this way. Staring at each other doesn’t make her love you.

    If you do text, think about something that is worth her reply. A question is not sufficient. It has to be an interesting and juicy question that makes her wanna hit the reply button. Even so, she can always choose not to. No guarantees here.

    4 days? text again. Don’t make the same mistake again. Don’t even think about getting laid. If all you want is messaging, i have no objections. keep it interesting and fun. I myself have someone who is attached but texts me when she wants to say anything. I’ve got a feeling that she isn’t getting the same kind of fun from her boyfriend from texting than from me. The volume i receive from her, taking into account that i’m just a casual friend, is almost unjustifiably huge. And i find no need to brag more than i should. I’m not even supposed to receive more than 5 from her, but im getting in 30s and 40s in half a day (its just a humble estimate and no i don’t text her the moment i wake up. That’s creepy.)

    And, don’t get so hung up over a girl who doesn’t reply. Get a life. Get more options. Get more girls to talk to. Don’t place too much importance on that one girl.

    If there’s anything i’ve said that’s too blunt for you, i’ll just say, the more you get hurt here, the less you get hurt by the girls. Which do you want? The best welfare i can give you is tough reality check.

    John

    Reply
  8. Marco

    Hi John :P

    I met this girl last friday night at a party – we got along great. Had awesome and meaningful conversations – the one where it gets the other person thinking not on a casual level but more personal. She also said that I have a nice smile :P

    (Actually I met her on the bus a few weeks back but we did not talk, I met this other guy first at the party and later I found out him and her and some other girls were all housemates).

    Anyways the day after I texted her saying it was awesome meeting you guys and that we should all catch up again. She replied about 2hrs later saying “hey marco how are you this morning? I thought you were a very interesting person and it was nice meeting you last night and we shud all hang out sometime”

    So I replied after 1.5 hours saying “thanks for the compliment!”.

    So I text her on Wednesday saying that we should all meet up for lunch on the weekend, I did not get her reply until today, basically 2 days passed and she decided to get back to me.

    Her response basically was “hey marco how are you? I would love for us all to catch up but im going out with family this weekend. What about next week? What’s been happening and hows life?”

    My mate said that since she made me wait I should do the same, so I figured I’ll just get back to her after a few days.

    So John pls tell me :P lol. In your opinion is she trying to play hard to get and espeically with her responses? What should my next move be? :P

    Reply
  9. Sam

    Hi John,

    So I met this girl at a party, and she ended up giving me her number. A few days later we texted and went to see a movie together. A few days after that we hung out at a view. Long story short over the next 2 weeks things build up, we never texted 24/7 but atleast within 3 days, I started falling for her and she was starting to fall for me, hell we even made out a bunch.

    Now this girl was always very nervous around me but she was really sweet, so I figured why not play my hand and drop my cards on the table, maybe it’d ease her nervousness. I did and told her that I had fallen for her and she took it well and told me she felt the same way. A few days later I pick her up and she takes me to this beautiful view under the stars where all of a sudden she decided to tell me she didn’t want a relationship. (odd place, huh?)

    This is when things got confusing, she told me that she still liked me and that she could see us in a relationship but that she just needs some more time to think about it. Now I told her I’d wait under the condition that she was being truthful about still liking me.

    We still continued to text and hang out together after that and I never pressured her about us being together, not even mentioning it. I just feel that lately shes just pulling away farther and farther, we’re hanging out less and texting less which is kind of a slap in the face because I told her all I ever expect is for her to be straight with me, I’d rather have a NO and move on rather than her trying to ignore me and at the time she promised she would.

    I texted her about 4 days ago and we had a text convo about our weekends, I had to go to work were no cell phones are allowed so I replied to a text and sent another one 15 minutes after about her letting me know if shes free sometime this week. No reply so far. My buddies all tell me to just forget about her and I’m not the clingy type but I just feel like that if it were to end I’d at least want her to be straight with me, that’s all I ask.

    I have no clue if she’s going through any personal trouble or if shes busy or really trying to ignore me and as said I feel like i’d act the fool being the one to text her a lot…

    Am I overreacting? Should I just forget about her? Text her? Any help would be appreciated!

    Reply
  10. John

    Hi marco,

    So you’ve gotten yourself a girl to text to and she finds you great, she’s cool with meeting up with you for lunch or whatever.

    I think the issue’s not huge. Since she’s expressed interest in actually meeting up, then you’re quite fine. Playing hard to get? Well, i’m not going to exclude this possibility, but there are indeed one thousand and one reasons why the first date flops because she has a family event, she has to feed her dog, watch her goldfish and stuff…

    I’m sure eventually you’ll get your date and i think that’s pretty much your question. I’m not saying guarantee, but a girl who isn’t even willing to try will avoid you, and avoid making remarks that means anywhere near “i think we should meet up”. Of course, even if she’s saying she’s okay with it doesn’t guarantee it would happen. I’ve seen cases myself that they chicken out. So don’t say i didn’t warn you! Good luck mate!

    Next move? Wait a couple of days or so and try again. Give it up to say 3-5 tries if you like. Anything above these and she isn’t trying to rearrange the flopped dates, i don’t think your time is worth the effort. Up to you!

    John

    Reply
  11. John

    Hi Sam,

    The start off seemed pretty good but i think something cropped up in between, and i THINK it creeped in somewhere during the time you told her you love her.

    It’s just a suspicion, im not saying it IS.

    Look, there is this possibility that she is just being polite and saying logical stuff about you, like you’re nice, you’re cool, you’re patient and interesting.

    The thing is this:

    On the surface, it seems like you’ve got the whole package. BY RIGHT, there should be no reason to reject your pursuit. However, there is such a thing in this world called, “emotional decision”. I usually classify our decisions into two broad categories, of which the other is “logical decision”.

    **
    Have you ever had a friend whom you dislike, but is trying to get you to do stuff with him (yes, him, i meant a normal friend). Suggesting stuff such as long walks around the neighbourhood and stuff, which you obviously can’t stand because you KNOW you have nothing to say to him?
    **

    The logical reasoning is that you should give it a shot and maybe you’ll grow to like him as a friend, you’ll know more about him and stuff. But what does your emotional reasoning say? It says, “i just don’t FEEL like going out with him”.

    Simple as that.

    So coming back to your situation with this girl. She appeared “okay” to your initiation to see her as a girlfriend. What if her emotional decision is what you fear most, i.e. she doesn’t feel like being your girlfriend?

    Hey, don’t get me wrong, im just stating a possibility.

    I gathered from her response about slow replies, her “gentle outburst” that she doesn’t wanna be in a relationship. Not conclusive, but a girl who IS interested would give you a response sms, somehow. And a girl who is interested in you wouldn’t kill her chances like that. Have you ever had a crush on a person and your friends would make you say you hate her in front of her and you wouldn’t do it because you were afraid it might hurt your chances? If yes, there you go. If not, imagine it.

    So, at the last part you were frantically imagining some really horrible scenarios like her getting into trouble. Hey, chill… Like i used to say, there are a million and one reasons why a sms reply is slow. From convincing ones to doubtful ones to really silly and stupid reasons, you name it, i’ve come across it. Don’t panic, be cool and get back to her in a few days’ time.

    I’m not going to advise forcing her to give a final showdown about how she feels about you, but use your instincts. Could you see yourself burning trying to see whether she really wants you as her boyfriend? If not, try another girl. Keep your options open and don’t put this one girl on a pedestal and you should do fine.

    John

    Reply
  12. Sam

    Hi John,

    Thanks for the reply! Lots of good advice!

    Here’s a few things I guess I didn’t clarify, I never told her that I loved her, I just told her that I liked her(you know the difference!), thinking back on it I don’t even remember asking her to be my girlfriend or even mentioning anything about a relationship until she told me she needed more time. (aside from the fact I do or rather did want a relationship at that time, I just never verbally told her)

    Also, she was the one to make all the first moves. She gave me her number, she got in touch with me the day after we first met, she was the one to start cuddling, she was the one to start kissing. What was I suppose to think? Then all of a sudden, BAM, “I need more time”.

    I guess what irks me is the whole immaturity of the entire situation, it reminds me of dating back in high school.

    Now I’ve been shut down before and I’ve also had success before so I know the common warning signs, but with this girl I have NO CLUE WHAT’S GOING ON.

    Also, as an update to the situation she did end up texting me, and we’ve been texting back and forth ever since, of course nothing but casual/small talk and humor. I’ve just been neutral, haven’t asked her out, obviously not mentioning anything about “us”. If I only knew what was going on through her mind, I don’t even know anymore how to approach this situation or if I even want to.

    Lets just say she did have a change of heart and just doesn’t want anything to do with me, why text me again after a long silence? I mean even for a girl that would feel bad about shutting someone down, wouldn’t silence be preferable over starting up talking again? Or at least focusing the text on the good ol’ “you’re a nice guy BUT…” to get the point across to me. I mean i sure wouldn’t want to break the silence in her position, I’d be happy thinking “maybe he gets the point of me not being interested now.” I mean we don’t share friends or frequent any places where we’d bump into eachother, if we don’t talk thats it, she doesn’t even have to risk getting confronted by me face to face.

    I know this girl is the type to just ignore those she doesnt want to deal with, she even told me so when we first met, so again I have no clue what’s up with her.

    I guess my only card to play is staying neutral when talking to her and wait until she asks me to go hang out with her.

    However, any further advice/input would be greatly appreciated!

    Reply
  13. Brian

    Hi john,
    i met this gal in class…i hadn’t noticed her till she talked to me.we started textn.we texted alot for like 2days.this was a month ago.i normally see her in class on saturday and we talk fine and i think she enjoys my company(she waits for me so we leave together till the car park) but within the week if i call her she doesnt seem too enthusiastic about meeting me in school.she normally leaves school after class and if i text her asking her to text me when she leaves class she texts me when she is on the bus already??? so am left wondering what goes on in the week.last saturday she wanted cake and i bought her some so i felt like she was getting comfy but the next day we were texting then she just went dead and didnt reply.so what is going on here?

    Reply
  14. james

    hi john
    i met this girl 2 yrs back and she s in arelationship that time and she a nd me r friends from that time bi=ut i like her so much,now she broke up with that guy,and he s also my friend and i dont want to break my friendship,but i love her so much since i first saw her,and 2 days back i told her that i like her much and she said dont worry its all cool thank you :p and i moved 300 miles away from her so what to do next i cannot even take her out as i am far from her what to do please reply

    Reply
  15. John

    Hi Brian,

    In summary, you were saying that this girl whom you thought was getting comfy with you through signs such as texting and taking your cake, but later on, she went dead on you.

    Anyway, i have an idea. Texting a lot as compared to actually meeting the person and speaking, will eventually make meeting up awkward. Really. It is like you’ve already said everything over the phone that when it comes to actually interacting personally, you can’t achieve the same level of friendliness/excitment. That’s one.

    Two, from how you said about her only texting you when she’s on the bus, leaving you behind, it is simple language. In case you were hoping for something else, let me translate it for you. It means, “i don’t think meeting each other like that is a good idea”. The problem comes when you try to confront her and ask her why, she’s going to give you some crap reason (real or false, we’ll never know), which renders you unable to question her anymore. In any case, avoid that. That’s needy behaviour.

    Thirdly, i know it’s nice giving the girl what she wants and all… Being nice is actually good for friendship. Only. To the girl, what she sees is that, “this is just another guy who tries to buy my favour with stuff he gives me”. What you need to give the girl is some excitment. Some teasing. Have fun. It’s abstract, but i could show you some examples if you would give me some text examples you usually send. Just to check whether this is the portion of you that is holding you back.

    Lastly, the unfortunate thing about this is that, even if you do manage to fix all of the above things i’ve said, it doesn’t guarantee the girl wants you. A lot of the magic is made right from the start, and not fixing it along the way.
    But learning and actually applying it can definitely promise you some fun along the way! For the record, I usually experiment fun and teasing stuff on girls i do not like or used to like, so that when i actually get to the new girl, it comes just like that. Got that?

    Hear from you soon,
    John

    Reply
  16. John

    Hi James,

    Your problem is very unfortunate, but simple.

    You like a girl who was your buddy’s ex and actually confessed your love to her after she broke up with your buddy 2 years later and then you are moving away real far.

    The problem is, you want the girl who never returned her feelings. You want the same girl who used to be your best mate’s without ruining your friendship with him. You then cannot continue to pursue her because you’ll be about 300miles away from her after confessing to her.

    Solution?
    This is only a problem if you insist on going for the girl. I assure you its going to be tiring and not worth the effort. My advice? Get more options. Know the girls in your neighbourhood or class, or something you go to frequently. Begin from there.

    Why insist on diving into a pool of shit to get a gem when you can get a better gem somewhere with half the effort and more guarantee? Pardon the analogy, this is to help you understand what you are actually trying to do.

    Regards,
    John

    Reply
  17. bbb

    I dont know why noone mentioned this but not all girls are into text messaging.

    I recently went out with a guy who i sort of liked but my interest in him was not definite. He asked me out afterwards by text. Basically I was really tired and just taking a nap, and he texted me to ask me out because he was in the neighborhood, and then texted again to say “never mind”. I never even heard the messages because I was sleeping.

    The text messaging combined with despair over me not answering right away sealed my disinterest in him. If he had balled up and given me a phone call and not acted desperate due to me not immediately replying, I would have gone out with him.

    Also texts should only be used to exchange practical information. I almost never answer “how are you” texts. This is likely to lead to a texting conversation and I only use texting for practical exchanges, like addresses, where/when to meet, etc.

    Reply
  18. John

    Hi bbb,

    It’s always good to have some female opinion on the subject matter and yes, there ARE girls who are not into text messaging, thanks for bringing that up. I understand what you mean by “balling up” to actually call you instead of texting. But similar to how some people like to text is a subjective matter, your preference to only use text for “practical” information exchange is subjective as well.

    Of course, if all that guy does is never call you and just texting for dates and basically everything, well, you were right in dumping him. But i think a texting conversation has its perks too. It’s what i call a conversation in slow-mo. Sometimes bantering can be done over text (and its a whole new chapter on how actually to do that properly) instead of verbal exchange which probably lasts what, 5 minutes? If bantering to and fro were done right, it would be pretty interesting and fun which then fills the entire day with suspense, and many cute encounters and exchanges.

    Also, texts can always be thought about and returned later which actually has the effect of being more of him/herself without the actual stress. Now i know what you’ll say, if that guy can’t handle stress he isn’t fit to be with you. You might be right on the money with that, but put yourself in a guy’s shoes, would you have such unshakable confidence? All the time? It’s a whole different thing to expect good stuff versus being expected to do good stuff.

    And for calls, you can’t talk about random stuff. It’s lame. And probably, you’d be too busy to entertain such things. Furthermore, you can’t call up a girl just to give her a few pokes verbally. If anything, other than agreeing with your point, the flipside stands true for me as well. I.e. calling is for business that must be done immediately and too inefficient to wait, like confirming location of each other. Now you wouldn’t want to ask your date where he is by using text and lo and behold, his phone vibrates for what, 1 second?

    Its just another perspective, nothing against you. You were right but there are other perspectives that are equally right which you might have missed, we all do. For if i meant to fire at you, i would have been unkind. i really appreciate a good female opinion, its like a gold mine to us guys over here. Thanks for the heads up and hopefully you can find a little enjoyment over texts. Take life a little slower, enjoy that people take time to craft you a little message when they know you can’t answer immediately and loosen up!

    Many thanks,
    John

    Reply
  19. Tony

    Heya John, im in need of some good advice and I found your posts. Here is the jist of things:

    I met this girl back in June at the local fair and we hit it off great that day. The next day I went on facebook to try to maybe look for her and add her (Just being friendly) and found and messaged her, at first her messages were very friendly like “We need to hang again!” Or “I had alot of fun etc” Well come to find out her boyfriend got on her facebook, and then started acting like her… So things got a lil awkward.

    Later she texted me on my cell and said “Im so sorry that was my bf being an ass” So the next few months went by and I really did like this girl, and we would hang out from time to time and everytime we would hang out she ALWAYS smiled at me, would bump into me, if I sat on the couch she would hurry to the couch to sit by me, and then act like she need a place to rest her feet or head and would just use me… little stuff like that on and off… But I was biding my time and didn’t want to push anything until her and her boyfriend were through, and actually would kinda give her the cold shoulder at times when she would come to hang with me.

    Well finally she broke up with her boyfriend because he was apparently very controlling, and now just recently I finally told her how I felt all this time, and looking back since I first met her and brung up little facts about certain times we hung out that felt special to me, to see if she felt the same, but I didn’t want to act on it because I respected the fact she had a boyfriend at the time.

    Well come to find out she felt the same exact way she said, and says she is VERYYY sorry she put me through that and can’t believe I waited for her.

    Now this is where I need help:

    So the other night we go on our official first little date thing, (and not going to lie im a little shy, but normally ive always gotten girls by playing the modest good guy anyway) So I kinda pulled that trick again, and we were watching movies and cuddling all through the evening, joking around, just having good fun. Well… Im afraid I messed things up perhaps, because I didn’t kiss her when I took her back home, I didn’t want to feel too pushy… Well the next day I was going to just wait for her to text me and she knew I had a thing I do with the guys on this particular day. So when I got done with the guys I tried texting her only to get one word texts, Like I texted her “Hey I had a really good time last night and sorry I didn’t text you sooner I was out with my guys friends” Which then she texts back, “Oh it’s fine I kinda figured you were with the guys so I didn’t want to bother you.” And then when I try to text her after the fact, I get alot of one word texts like “awwhh” or “Haha wow” or even “Mmhmm but with a :) ” Like what gives, just the other nite we were pretty much all over eachother without the make out session, and now it feels like were aliens when we text?

    So any help would be very appreciated =] and sorry this was a little long.

    Reply
  20. Aftin

    hey friend its my fast time to love agirl in my life. now this lady i seen in my chat friend room i chat wit her fast time she not answerd ofline the phone second day online the phone a greet her she answer me third day ask he phone number she send fõr me i also send for her my phone number she immeditely cal me we greet each other now i beg her to be a good friend each other she told me ok forth day i told i love her so much she promised me also told me i love u 2 me also i never seen her face since 9 mo

    Reply
  21. John

    Hi Tony,

    It’s interesting to see for once that a guy waits for a girl to break up with her boyfriend and actually succeed with hooking up at the end. This is a first for me. Anyway, irrelevant.

    Onto your question about the one-word replies, I’d say, you’re getting a little too insecure. Hey, like you said, you were all over each other just the day before. The first thing that came to my mind is this: you already are getting what you need from a girl (technically speaking, not that you’re a total ass who plays with girls for their body), and you’re getting vexed over texts?

    If you really want an explanation, i’ll try to give you one. Imagine the previous night you and another girl (just for example) in bed were having some hot passionate sex. When you wake up the next morning, are you really expecting her to be all excited and all warm to you? It’ll be awkward, as with any other situations similar to this, people cool down. There’s no cause for worry, i mean, she likes you romantically, and i take it as she is already your girlfriend, and that’s all the reassurance you need.

    Also, there are a million and one reasons why someone would give one word replies. Hey, at least its something, if you really think about it. She bothered to try to continue the conversation, although its a little small effort. She could be busy, or just afraid that she’s texting you too much etc. We could list down a million things and it will never be exhaustive. So in conclusion, get your game together. Stop feeling insecure over small things, in your case. To many other guys who have not got the girl, texts are a huge thing. But in your case, it is considered small because i assume you two are already together. You have larger things that are true causes for worry.

    Chill out man,
    John

    Reply
  22. Venus

    Hey. I like this guy but he has a girlfriend. We communicate mostly through text. I met him last year. And since I started liking him, I started texting even more, in order to get his attention. To be really honest, I was hopeful. And we chatted through texts. He is open, easy going and honest. I told him that I like him through text. He said he can take me on a date. Now we kept texting. But he has a life of his own, and a busy one. I kept texting and it happened so that when he got drunk, we talked dirty. Then after some time I felt disgusted because it seemed like I am a concubine of some sort. So I started insisting on walking away and that also I told him and went mad on him, seriously overreacting. My mistake. Sigh. The hope still has’t gone away. I text and wait for his reply, sometimes. I really like him, and there are many reasons. But the truth is he doesn’t know me much, and we never got to spend too much time together since we live in different cities. And so he doesn’t like me that way. I am not able to gte over this crush, I have tried hard. I need some help. I don’t want to appear needy before him, which I never do when it’s somebody other than him. I want to attract him but not force him into it. He is in a long distance relationship and it seems to me that he loves her, genuinely. I want to get rid of my texting him and waiting for replies. What should I do?

    Reply
  23. John

    Hi Venus,

    I understand about what liking a person is like. But let’s do a reality check. A person already in a relationship, and you want his attention and maybe become his girlfriend. I think this is hardly any rocket science, you know that it is an uphill battle, and THAT is an understatement of your “problem”.

    If there’s any way to kill that problem, it begins with you. He isn’t going to tell you anything. Stop since you know you are going nowhere, unless going nowhere is where you want to go. I text girls in a relationship with the mindset that i KNOW we won’t get anywhere. I do that as a form of practice, to learn to socialise without repercussions. For your case, you’re doing it because you have a crush on him and want him. That’s not right, generally, unless you have some other overriding reason over mine.

    Next, open up your options. Meet more people, and meet more people. If you are still schooling, classes of another discipline works. If you are mid 20s onwards, go take part in some social activities or yoga classes of that sort. Parties. Anywhere that lets you know guys in a safe environment is a good start.

    There is no point in expecting from something that you know isn’t going to come.

    Also, picture yourself in the girlfriend’s shoes. Is it reasonable that some other girl wants your boyfriend when you got to him first have not broken up yet?

    There you go.

    John

    Reply
  24. Venus

    All right. I need to overcome the impulse to text/ call him. But I have failed many times, sigh. I would try it one more time. And this time, using the strength of mind.

    And oh, I am a 19 year old law student. And I think because of him, I am blocking my option window.

    Basically I have tried to get over him, and all in vain. My vacations are going on, hence not really busy. I would make myself involved in activities that will do me good. And forget him. You think it will work?

    Thank you so much.

    Reply
  25. John

    Hi Venus,

    See, most of the times you already knew the answer to your own question. You knew that stopping yourself from texting him is the key to killing that sick feeling when he ignores you and other unpleasant stuff.

    The next important thing is how able are you to go socialise? I know people who simply hate that, so they wait for such settings to come by naturally, like classes when school start and co-curricular activities (which is the slower way). If you are feeling up to it, or you are a natural when it comes to going out there, GO! Don’t wait if you want to get over him fast. Pining for him to take note of you isn’t going to work in a thousand years. He is not going to suddenly decide that you are worth it. If it takes him so much to realise how good you are, he’s probably not worthy of you.

    Basically, anything that gets you other guys (safely) will work better than what you are doing now.

    You’re 19 and oh, do you already have suitors? Consider that option, if you are looking for a get-him-off-my-mind activity. Take note of your fans can make you feel liked and you know that they appreciate you for what you are. But ignore the sick stalkers, of course.

    If you have the looks of Maggie Q, hell, all you’ve got to do is sit there and look pretty, guys’ll come. An advantage exclusive to women.

    Til next time,
    John

    Reply
  26. Jack

    Hi John,
    I’ve got this problem which I has bothered me physiologically so much these past few days. Basically there’s this girl who i met online. The most amazing girl ever. This was back in October. We met in person once in the half term holidays and I took like 2 trains to get to her. 

    We both agreed ourselves into a relationship. A long distance one I suppose. Ive chatted with her for nearly everyday since October, on Christmas Eve we talked for 12 hours straight (webcam/text).

    So on Christmas day I told her I wouldn’t be able to talk, because I had to grandmas for Christmas. On that christmas eve she told me she got a new phone. Which I forgot to take down her new number. 
    Now on Boxing day she sent me a message over Messenger 

    “I miss you hope we can talk soon” 

    and I was offline at the time. 
    I came online 2 hours after that message and she wasn’t there. I thought to myself that it was ok I’ll talk to her 2morro. I’ve waited nearly a week now and I still have had no contact from her, I’m so worried. I don’t have her phone number, she doesnt come online (as most of our talking is online). I don’t have contact with any of her friends. I’m literally blocked off from her altogether, I’ve tried everything. The only thing I can do is go meet her, which again is impossible cuz I’m 16 and I can’t drive and I got exams in 11 days and my mum doesn’t let me out the house!!!!! (she’s also 16).
    I can’t leave her cuz she way to special to me; first girl I ever planned my future with, and I don’t think she’s doing this to ignore me, cuz the last conversation we had was special to the both of us, and she sent me a message that she missed me, so I’m guessing she not doing this intentionally. 

    We have been talking nearly everyday since October, unless I told her otherwise. This is the longest time I’ve been apart from talking to her, and to top it all off I’m just getting a feeling that she’s been involved with an accident or something I just don’t no what to do!!!

    Reply
  27. John

    Dear Jack,

    Your main problem was about breaking contact from the girl, instead of the girl ignoring you (at least i think it is). Since you have not had any confirmation whatsoever, i strongly suggest you to get a grip. I’m going to try laying things out for you a little to help you get a little control.

    The last thing SHE said to you was so and so, which i think, a person who was preparing to leave you alone, won’t say. Now, she has a new phone. She gave you the number, or not, whatever, you did not note it down or did not have it anyway, whatever, that’s why she is now out of reach, instead of due to a squabble or fight or some dishonesty issues.

    Now most important thing is to calm the hell down, i guess that’s something to do with being 16, young and imaginative and hallucinating, might i add. Then, try to establish some contact. I.e. Leave an offline message to her. Tell her to leave you something you can reach her with, phone number, email. Jack, you just pick and choose and decide yourself on that. Then, the worst part. Wait.

    I hope you weren’t expecting any miracles from me, because i am only human. If and really IF, you receive NOTHING, after, like, saying explicitly what it takes to establish contact, meaning a clear request, then we can either drop this girl, or, do a last search and rescue. Go to her. Take a train, take a plane, whatever, i’m sure you won’t rest until you have gotten the answer yourself. Personally, i think it is better to live and die with a bad answer than a question.

    Nothing i have said is super divine intervention stuff, but i hope it helps, and great luck to finding your love.

    John

    Reply
  28. Simon

    Just to say re’ Josh? You’re talking absolute TRASH John – First you tell him NOT to talk to her/she’s got a BF he has NOT a hope in Hell etc THEN? You tell him to BE positive & talk to her? WHICH is it to be idiot?

    Anyway – ALL women ALWAYS tell you the COMPLETE opposite to how/what they REALLY want from you – EVERYone knows that & whose to say? That your current (would be) Beau’s BF Josh? Didn’t TAKE her from someone else so? If you ask me? Do this. BE masculine – BE a man – TAKE the initiative – Go out, be SEEN with OTHER women BY her or her friends (trust me – Word WILL get back to her soon enough – Then? You’ll see if she’s REALLY interested in you). DON’T follow her around or text her like a puppy dog – Wait for HER to text YOU, Then? Reply at YOUR leisure – Look at like THIS? She is LUCKY to have a CHANCE of pulling YOU rather than the opposite being true mate.

    In short my friend Josh? Ignore EVERYTHING that utter FOOL John said – TAKE your courage in BOTH hands – MAKE Yourself noticeable among & around women? And above all? Make Absolutely SURE She finds out ALL about it AND stay in contact with her during all this but? Remember – Do it ALL on YOUR terms. IF she likes you (and if she doesn’t BEFORE doing all this? She soon WILL)? She’ll SOON come running & you’ll NEVER lose her after. Above ALL else though Josh? Do NOT act like a puppy dog, wounded/just good friends manner – THAT? Will push her AWAY & ruin ANY chance you have with her. Go on my friend – Go out there & DO it now. The WORLD is your oyster – Remember Positivity, Confidence & BE a Man. Women LOVE men who TAKE the lead – MAKE them follow & DON’T leave time for arguments. They’re hardwired that way WhatEVER they might say. Play on that. And even if you DON’T get your Lady Love (or so you hope?) You’ll end up with A woman which is better than a sad old wreck like me. Best of Luck & if you’ve got ANY sense? It’s now here goes nothing – Take the plunge & dive in – You KNOW it makes sense…………….

    Reply
  29. Calvin

    Hey John,

    Im curious, i see your help above and can agree and relate to a lot of it, fantastic direction mate :)

    Right, now some back story lol.

    A year ago i was unhappy, living with my ex who had cheated on me twice, i was 20 stone (yes, 20 stone lol) and i was smoking weed everyday to hide from my failing relationshp and my horrible 70 hour a week job, suddenly, i grew some balls, i ended it with her, moved out of our rented house back home and thought things were getting better. in the next few weeks my aunt died and i got made redundant.

    I decided to loose weight and started running, withing 6 months i had dropped to 13.7stone and was looking a lot better, feeling a lot better and then my adventours began.

    I always had gfs, but never one night stands, in the next 3 months i racked up six, even with telling them that its sex nothing else, my charm and this new figure seemed to just attract them, if i had the money to go out every weekend it would have been more lol.

    Then i met this girl (uh oh lol) and foudn that she was three weeks out of a horrible relationship, but she was amazing, i mean gorgoues, funny, geeky lol, everything that i wanted, so i carried on texting for a few weeks and we met up, house on fire from there, except she was caught up on her ex cause of a lot of bad shit that happened. well we come to new year, she had practically lived with me while her son was at her dads for a few days, and she stops the whole thing, on the night shes going to a party which her ex would be attending. now she was going with her fmaily and there wasnt a chance they would let anything happen, but she was so messed up she said it was unfair to me.

    so i had a terrible new years, she was everywhere i looked, but not there at all. until 1 oclock when she turns up drunk and stays at mine, to promtly kill again the next day saying she needed time.

    well i gave her a week and she came back, tellingme she had missed me like mad and decided that this guys was a dick and i was awesome and thogh she isnt ready for a relationship, she didnt want to loose what we had (we had never been offical, even though we acted like it).

    So now im letting her drive, she texts me, she leads, some days she cant stop, today its been nealry 24 hours and nothing, yeah it drives me a bit mad, cause honestly im head of heels for this girl, but i am feeling myself put up walls now, im getting ready incase it fails, though i know shes stopping at mine friday.

    i think if this was a year on and her head was straight, we could be amazing, i know shes been through a ton of shit and i probably should run, but the end of the day its easy to sleep with people you dont care about and then break it off, this however, is very real and after 5 serious realtionships i know that, hanging in is a bitch lol.

    Just wondering what you take from that and if im nuts or not lol

    cheers

    c

    Reply
  30. John

    Simon,

    First off, i’ll like to say that on many counts you said the right things about being a man and “take the plunge & dive in”. Although with that agreement, it doesn’t mean what I said was completely wrong.

    There were places that you probably misunderstood and it looks like you’ve read something from me and distorted it, hence making it sound totally ridiculous. That is a straw man argument attempt and it is a fallacy you’ve committed. By your first accusation, i’m saying that you can’t have high hopes on someone who already has a boyfriend. Come on, it is a lower chance than someone who isn’t attached. You can’t get away with that. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t talk to her. These two events are not mutually exclusive. And of course, there is no need for that extra noun “idiot”, especially if you’re in a civilized exchange of ideas. And there is a chance that you might have misunderstood and that noun would end up pointing at you.

    About all women saying the complete opposite of what they mean… Well, i’ve heard that one before. What i’m saying is that, that is conventional wisdom. But it is to be taken with a pinch of salt. Who’s going to believe a sweeping statement anyways? I’d rather keep that idea in mind, while keeping myself clear of what i’m hearing from women. If everything they say are complete opposites, wouldn’t that be so convenient? At this part, i would still agree with you about being brave and being seen by her friends and people, that’s one sure way and manly way of doing stuff, no problem with that. Up till now, nothing you’ve said has direct contradictions with what i’ve mentioned so far.

    Over here, again, there is no need for the noun “fool”. If you think i’m wrong, you have your opinion. You could advise these guys over here otherwise. If what you said works for them, then it’s cool.

    Then being a puppy dog and stuff about being wimpy, well, at least i’ve never told anyone to be a helpless wimpy wuss to the girl and hoping that the girl would like them. So there is no conflict yet..

    All in all, Simon, what’s with the “sad old wreck like me” thing? You mean to say that after knowing all these stuff, you’re as you said “a sad old wreck”? If you ask me, it’s your attitude. Just look at how you’ve brought across your points. With CAPS here and there, now THAT’S something everyone will identify with to mean shouting and generally, that is rude behaviour. That would be writing etiquette. Yes, that would be rather universal, at least for countries that use English as their spoken and written language, more universal that your “opposites theory”. It is very good to be a man to these woman out there, but being nasty with words like “idiot” and “fool”, i ask, which woman would want you? Being a leader, being a man, being a brave and manly figure is very different from being someone who uses derogatory terms to describe someone whom you think might have the wrong idea about something you think you have a good knowledge of. I think these guys over here have a very good idea who to listen to.

    Remember, we’re just here to share and help guys who might have problems with women. Flaming someone to get your point across isn’t a great way. If you think you can help, share your ideas properly so we can all learn. If sharing to help isn’t your purpose, then why visit this page?

    To all guys who visit this page: If there’s anything that i’ve said that you feel is contradictory, please point it out nicely, i may have a good explanation to what i mean. If i am genuinely mistaken, i’ll try to reconcile the discrepancy. If any guys have better material to share, feel free to share it. If the help material is targeted at someone, then address it nicely. A help page isn’t a help page if the helper is rude, right?

    Hear from you guys soon,
    John

    Reply
  31. Jose

    Ok I get it but what if you keep texting with that girl till the point that you ask her to be your girl friend she couldn’t make up her mind because she thought that it would be weird because your such good friend and your like I kindof liked you more then a friend since I met you!! You ask her if she doesn’t like you but she says she does so in the end she is your GF!! You keep texting and you ask her out to the movies she wants to but on that day she says that her parents won’t let her and that’s the end of it you message her because you like girlfriend and boyfriend but she never replys to any of your message!! You start thinking that her phone brocke or something so you wait. But nothing ever happens so then you sister is like I saw you girlfriend and she did have her phone and she was texting with someone or something so your like WTF does this mean that you don’t have a girlfriend no more because you didn’t make it Facebook official?!

    Reply
  32. John

    Hi Jose,

    If you’ve already made it as her boyfriend, like she agreed to it and stuff, then i guess texting isn’t really your main issue, nor should it be your main arsenal of things you should do with her. Not that it should be a main thing while the pursuit.

    The truth about texting is that it is a soft approach to talking to a girl. It somehow has a shielding effect for guys who use it because the trouble of stuttering and loss for words is taken away. But no one ever said that you should keep texting because it will come across as needy and also irritating. The key words are “keep texting”, which is something we should all not do, and texting should be done in moderation.

    It is just but a tool, a means to reaching out. Of course if you are comfortable with calling up and other more “manly” approaches, go ahead. In this case, since you’re already her boyfriend, that shouldn’t be the issue. Face to face interaction should be the key thing, not online chatting.

    About your question about “does this mean she isn’t your girlfriend just because she doesn’t text back when obviously she has her phone with her”, well, there are many reasons for that, in which one of them could be too frequent texting which causes her to take you for granted. And irritation. But i think it shouldn’t result in a drastic consequence like a break up unless there are dishonesty issues involved or extreme irritation. Parents too. A lot of reasons. You could check if you can’t live with the uncertainty, or you could just wait a few days, and like, ask her out or something. If things return back to normal, you may let it slide. Not everyone replies to every single text. Applies to you too, doesn’t it?

    P.s. I totally dig what you said and how you feel when you know she has her phone with her, she’s got the time and all but didn’t text you back. It’s not a great feeling. I know that. She doesn’t.

    Regards,
    John

    Reply
  33. Calvin

    Hey John,

    (i did post above but i think simon jumped in and i got missed lol)

    Im curious, i see your help above and can agree and relate to a lot of it, fantastic direction mate :)

    Right, now some back story lol.

    A year ago i was unhappy, living with my ex who had cheated on me twice, i was 20 stone (yes, 20 stone lol) and i was smoking weed everyday to hide from my failing relationshp and my horrible 70 hour a week job, suddenly, i grew some balls, i ended it with her, moved out of our rented house back home and thought things were getting better. in the next few weeks my aunt died and i got made redundant.

    I decided to loose weight and started running, withing 6 months i had dropped to 13.7stone and was looking a lot better, feeling a lot better and then my adventours began.

    I always had gfs, but never one night stands, in the next 3 months i racked up six, even with telling them that its sex nothing else, my charm and this new figure seemed to just attract them, if i had the money to go out every weekend it would have been more lol.

    Then i met this girl (uh oh lol) and foudn that she was three weeks out of a horrible relationship, but she was amazing, i mean gorgoues, funny, geeky lol, everything that i wanted, so i carried on texting for a few weeks and we met up, house on fire from there, except she was caught up on her ex cause of a lot of bad shit that happened. well we come to new year, she had practically lived with me while her son was at her dads for a few days, and she stops the whole thing, on the night shes going to a party which her ex would be attending. now she was going with her fmaily and there wasnt a chance they would let anything happen, but she was so messed up she said it was unfair to me.

    so i had a terrible new years, she was everywhere i looked, but not there at all. until 1 oclock when she turns up drunk and stays at mine, to promtly kill again the next day saying she needed time.

    well i gave her a week and she came back, tellingme she had missed me like mad and decided that this guys was a dick and i was awesome and thogh she isnt ready for a relationship, she didnt want to loose what we had (we had never been offical, even though we acted like it).

    So now im letting her drive, she texts me, she leads, some days she cant stop, today its been nealry 24 hours and nothing, yeah it drives me a bit mad, cause honestly im head of heels for this girl, but i am feeling myself put up walls now, im getting ready incase it fails, though i know shes stopping at mine friday.

    i think if this was a year on and her head was straight, we could be amazing, i know shes been through a ton of shit and i probably should run, but the end of the day its easy to sleep with people you dont care about and then break it off, this however, is very real and after 5 serious realtionships i know that, hanging in is a bitch lol.

    Just wondering what you take from that and if im nuts or not lol

    cheers

    c

    Reply
  34. Zachary Geoffrey

    nice page first of that.

    introductions, my name is what it says above and as you might guess I am a boy, and my reason for coming to this site is:

    see it kind of is a really long story but I need some real help here.

    I saaw this picture of this girl at my work, and decided there and then I wanted to meet that girl, to my surprise three weeks later I meet this girl at a work party in eastren office of the company i work for. after having worked for hours, I finally get the chance to talk to her, I decide to play it slow and ask her to dance, and we dance laugh and have a great time. I add her on facebook, and we end up talking I ask her number and we begin texting back and forth, I had to leave for a week to to east europe, and so I met her before, we had a great time I so think she said she did, so I believe her in that. but i had the feeling at the end of it all she wasn’t that interested in me, I really tried my best to prove to her I am romancit and totally into her, I totd her I liked her, was a little white lie, because I do believe in love at first sight, and I believe I fell, but the damn thing is she makes me be… different without actually asking for it… it’s still me and i do what I usually do when I am with her but, I overthink every step twice. and that is “fun” but I would rather much avoid it, but than again I am in love and I can’t stop thinking about this girl.
    now here my problem, after our second date at my place where we cooked together and watched movies, and played a video game. (20 btw me) I wanted to ask her out, never really got the chance, really bussy week, and we were going to meet at another work party, and so we did, even though I had a lot to do that day, I tried my best to see her, and really put my back into it… but at the end of the evening, I was sober, and way to jealous to see her dance with other guys… I am a dancer and i know how dancing can become all passionatem, but hey it sucks to see it when somebody you’re falling for is dancing with another guy like that, while dancing with me on the safety rode….

    now after that I hit my hand and left. the day after I took a step back from her, and got the morning after a text and we conversed about the day before, then after I made effort to get past that bumb in the road she DIDN’T see, (left telling her i had to go. was furious but kept my cool) we were supposed to go do something the weekend after, but she cancelled, in consideration to that we made plans for a wednesday but she cancelled because she had a friend she wanted to talk to about dance she had on friday, now it might just be me, but we have thursdays for some reason right… but nevertheless i looked past it. from then on she began texting me less, my phone was broken and she didn’t have time for me on facebook, because she’s always been bussy (just little side note, when we met she told me she was a shy girl doesn’t talk easy to people and doesn’t have many friends… yet she has a very bussy scedule and spends her days with single friends and sometimes with multiple, I don’t really care for her scedule. just trying to fit in once a week.) well after I assumed she had lost interest and she didn’t care to be with me anymore, so I did what any person would do, seek another to spend my time with, of course I took someone from the office, being that it was easy and she was really cool. I personally thought at the first thought to have found a new best friend with the new girl, but a possibility was there. (I did all this while still talking to the other girl, making plans to see each other, thinking maybe hoping she still likes me.)
    the other to put names to them to make it clear.
    Girl I am in love with: Cassi
    Girl I thought a possibility of: Alyson.
    (not the real names)

    cassie read some of the messahes I send to alyson, and got mad, slightly jealous I thought.
    we got in a fight, and alyson and I didn’t but we agreed to meet this sunday 5th february.
    alyson seems to be cool with everything and I think she knows, but at some point I think she’s playing me for passing on my bad points to cassie.
    and cassie and I argued and I told her I was sorry, wanted to ask her on VD to go exclusive, but she told me she was bussy on valentine’s day so I said I couldn’t anymore, and made my conclusion then and there that she had no interest… but not giving up hope telling myself that I would fix it. but to come back to my point, she got mad and gave me the feeling like we were exclusive but we aren’t so now I rushed things, and kind of looked back on how everything went, I think she didn’t put effort into me, as much as I did into her. and I tried my best, but she gave me the ultimatum of beign friends and start over and see where it goes. I said no and told her almost everything I just told you how I saw it from my perspective and that I’m in love with her, and that I don’t want to start over, I don’t want to fix what is broken, I want to leave of where I left of. and now I did tell her she could take her time to reply but, I do think two days, is a bit much… and I am starting to doubt what to do…. btw we haven’t talked life ever since that time we went out, it’s been almost only facebook messaging back and forth. I am in love with this girl, and I would feel devastated if I couldn’t see her anymore. but I also think she should make an effort, and have put my mind to if she doens’t agree I will not be her friend (being that it will hurt me more) and probably just disappear from he rlife, a bit dramatic but that’s me. now what I would like to know is, should I sent her a message to tell her I would like a reply, or something in that order… or say something about what I said before, or just close all connections to her?

    Reply
  35. John

    Calvin,

    Ok, so basically, you’ve met some girl after ending it with your ex who was apparently a cheat.

    The new girl, a mother (unless i got mistaken somewhere), i have to tell you, is a ticking time bomb for trouble. All of the complications it can bring is not worth all the “love” you have for her, unless you’re really that willing to take the “hardship”. A woman who has a history of this sort will haunt you. Also furthermore, i’d like to point out to you that all that can be avoided by looking for someone who is at the very least, not already a parent, if you know what i mean.

    But if you REALLY want me to give my take on how to handle your problem…

    So one day she was somehow drunk and went to your place, and you “found out” that she missed you, the other guy is a dick and all. Yep, i know that sounds like you’re on, but i think it really is a sugar-coated message. Why else would she then say that she’s not ready for a relationship with you? She’s got loose ends to tie up? Why should you be waiting for someone you know is trouble, and have no obligation to wait for and yet holds no promise that you both will end up happy and together? It’s all risk (and i mean the bad kind, not the same kind of risk when guys attempt propose a relationship) and you deserve better.

    So she stopped messaging you for 24 hours and you are meeting her on “friday”. And so the problem is? Slow messaging is only a problem if you cannot establish contact with the other person. And, if it “fails” like you say, just like, go. Go find another.

    Conclusion: You’re wading in the snake pit by getting involved with a woman who has a son. Nobody is going to tell you “hey that’s great news, you’re on the right track bro”. That’s for sure.

    Second, don’t fall for sugar-coated stuff she says to you and lead you to believe that you have her. It’s not yours till its yours. All that talk should be taken with a pinch of salt. It’s not about trust issues. It’s the way of getting too attached to what things seem and really, most of the times, we only see the things we want to see, and hear the stuff we want to hear.

    Last, don’t worry about the texts if you will be meeting her. Frequent texts is a no-no. And don’t get too hung up with the lack of text replies. The whole point is not to appear needy. If you two are really that “close”, let her find you for once. If you’re always the one who starts a convo, there’s really no point. It’s like playing tennis against a wall. It’s a lot of fun, but its not how the game is played. You want a partner to return the favour too.

    Regards,
    John

    Reply
  36. Joe

    Hi,

    Recently I’ve been getting to know this cute girl. We’ve texted quite a lot in the past few weeks and she seemed quite interested at first, she even invited me to her party, however I couldn’t go.

    We texted earlier, she asked what I was doing over the half term, I replied I had to work a lot due to exams, she then said she was going to Birmingham to see her family. 2 days after, I asked her how she was but no reply. I know she’s got her phone on because my friend called her. It’s as if she’s just suddenly shut me out and I can’t understand why. It’s been 3 days since the last message and I can’t understand why she hasn’t replied.

    Thanks

    Reply
  37. John

    Hi Joe,

    I’d like to get you out of a misconception that seems to be plaguing you. You’re expecting replies for every single text that you send. The first question that comes to your head is, “is it wrong to expect that? People would answer me if I spoke to them, so what’s happening here?”.

    Firstly, that’s only your own rule. She has no obligations whatsoever to reply to your every text, YES even if that text had a question in it in a very obvious way too.

    And so you know, if your starter is always asking how she is, she can run out of ways of telling you “i’m fine”, to the point where she doesn’t. It could be that she dismissed that text because she was busy at that moment, but forgot about it when your friend called her etc. Millions of possibilities. Can’t get over it? My advice is still: Get over it.

    Share something new, some time much later. This has advantages. First, she might remember about your text and reply you in the meantime. You do not come across as a needy boy who wants her attention all the time. Her reply is a plus to you, but that doesn’t mean that no replies had to mean a minus. It’s not the end of the world if one text doesn’t get replied to, right?

    There’s even the possibility that after you posted this post here, you would have just received something from her! Anyway, good rule of thumb, don’t get too attached to texts. It is just but a tool to communication, which should be done in moderation. Excessive text just shows that you are needy and incapable of interacting up front. It should be used for bantering. I mean, what’s the point of texting back and forth if all you guys talk about is the weather and her goldfish, if you know what i mean? We want substance, something that triggers her to think about you, like having fun over the phone by teasing, etc.

    Regards,
    John

    Reply
  38. Perry

    Hey I need your guys help,
    I met this girl on Facebook and we started messaging on Thursday, we were fine, back and forth. Until one point She never replied (I never asked a question, but wouldn’t she reply with at least a ‘haha’ or something similar? So I waited until yesterday morning and sent her another message (again with no question) but she didn’t reply to that either and I know she read it because she’s been active on FB since then. Would do I do? Send her a questioned message? If so, when? I also really wanna meet up with her but I don’t know how to cone across it, what do I do?
    Thanks guys

    Perry

    Reply
  39. Micheal

    Hey, i really need some help here please help!

    4 days ago me an this girl texted for a while, it was a fun and long text. But all of a sudden she stopped and hasnt texted me back for 2 days. I got really worried, and she wouldnt reply to an of my texts. I decided to check if she is ignoring me or her phone is broken. I texted her through a different number, and in three hours she replied who is this? I didnt reply immedistly, instead after five minutes i texted her with my number a question, that no matter what there is supposed to be an answer. I waited for 15 minutes no reply, so on the mystery number i replied to her “who is this” text with this “haha guesss” she replied under 2 minutes saying “hmm.. I have no idea lol” she didnt reply to my number. I revealed myself through the mystery number “ohh, its me mike, i was just wondering if your phone was broken” she realized she got tricked, and this was ger reason, “No its not that. Theres just a reason i dont reply to anybody latley. Sorry. Dont think im ignoring you. Okay?.” so she started apologizing and saying she has a life problem. And i believed her, and she said she promised. Then after a few texts i said “okay wont bother you” and she said “its okay now. Kinda. We can still talk” i said i cant right now, and the convo ended. When i was again oppened up, it was yesterday, i texted her, and she never got back to me. Okay, i thought there was something wrong, and i should give her some time. I also have this thing when her phone is on i can see it, she is on throughout the day. I think she is texting other people. But then that means the person i trust lied to me. She would not reply to my text! As simple as a yes or no question. She wouldnt reply, and she on her phone. Please give advice on how i should manage this! Thank you

    Reply
  40. jake

    hey,

    i met a girl online and we got it off well. We were talking laughing and having a good time, she gave me her number we texted that night. The next night i texted her, she responded an hour later say hi :) so we started again texting. later that night, well for me she lives in a different time zone 3 hours behind. so it was 1130pm for me and only 830 her time she stopped answering after she asked me a question. She asked whats my contact in your phone now? i said same as last night and bam she stopped answering. So the next day i was waiting to text her later at night because i think i like her. i texted her that night she never replied. Im kind of annoyed bc i really like her. its the third night nice we met what do i do? please help!
    Thanks, Jake

    Reply
  41. John

    Micheal,

    I know that pain.

    However, there is this vibe that you have given off to the girl that was rather wrong and sneaky too. I think you already have an idea what I am referring to.

    So you texted and after awhile she stopped replying. And having “tested” her using a different number to check whether she was on her phone, you found that she was available to respond but didn’t do so to your original number. And lastly, you revealed yourself.

    On many levels there are things done wrong.

    To start with, many texts doesn’t promise you anything. She doesn’t become your “bitch”. Neither does she become your personal text-pal. It is as simple as that. She doesn’t become anything. She is free to respond, or not, whether there is a question or not. Now, i know that i have said above that a question can get a reply, but it merely turns the “instruction” to reply more direct. It should never be a guarantee and never ever will. If i could make it a guarantee, i’d patent it.

    Next, the “test”.

    First of all, you’ve got to realise that it is a sneaky shot. How would you respond to a person after you realised that he/she tricked you into answering? Probably never ever talk to him again! There are honesty issues and the creep factor is way too high.

    So what now?

    I’ll tell you straight. The moment you revealed yourself and admitted to the sneaky shot, you have shot yourself in the foot. And trust me, i have the right mind to say that you have actually also shot yourself in the head.

    So if you can’t save it, what have you learnt never ever to repeat?

    Learn that texting is a tool. It is never going to get you the girl using that alone. It should be the combination of meet-ups, humour, text follow-ups with cute banter that can give you a better chance, though not the only way. There are guys down here who have better ideas.

    If you sneak a check, never ever reveal yourself. In fact, you better pray that this secret die with you. If not, do not ever do such a thing. No one likes to be spot checked and get caught and having to explain why she could respond to this number but not the other. You put her in a difficult and awkward position like that, i don’t even want to tell you how she would feel. Not good.

    If you want to turn back, you’ve got an uphill battle to fight. There is no quick fix. That’s the problem with mistakes like that. You screw up, you’re done. I’d rather you do nothing than ruin your own chances like that.

    Sorry dude, you can only learn and promise yourself never ever put yourself in such a situation. Also, learn to calm yourself down when you don’t get a reply. Read my previous posts for handling non-replying girls.

    John

    Reply
  42. Annelle Doroski

    Woah this blog is fantastic i love studying your posts. Keep up the good paintings! You recognize, a lot of people are looking round for this information, you can aid them greatly.

    Reply
  43. Tommy

    Dear John,

    your advice would be greatly appreciated as I have been freaking out lately. I didn’t really even like this girl when we first met, I thought she was cute but she was the one who suggested we exchange numbers. We had a lot in common. We texted very sparingly over 6 weeks but never linked up on any of the occasions we were out and about. No big deal I thought. About a month ago our group of mutual friends were again at a bar and she came. We talked and flirted for a while but again I was like whatever. As like a nice gesture I texted her a few days later that “she was awesome” to no avail, just to say hi. A week later I message her on facebook, asking her to hang out again to no avail.

    Last weekend, same friends, same bar, in she walks. I feel a little awkward but we talked and she was amazing. I’m now obsessed. I texted her Sunday to say hi and if she wanted to get dinner sometime during the week and she hasn’t replied. I called her yesterday and still nothing. I am so confused and freaking out why this girl wont reply at all anymore….

    Reply
  44. John

    Hi Tommy,

    So this is a case of very friendly face to face interaction but zero online interaction. Interesting.

    Can’t say I have seen such a case before, but I guess i could give you my take on this.

    From now on, everything that I say is all speculation. I could be way off, but who will ever know. Just thought I ought to be upfront a little.

    Normally I would value face to face interaction more than online interaction. This is because if you two were to ever get together, you will be living with her in reality, not virtual reality. So let’s shrink the problem a bit here. It seems to me that the only problem that is significant isn’t about the frustration that she doesn’t reply. Normally guys get frustrated over “non-repliers” is because they WANT to talk to this girl but never had the chance to in person. Well, your problem really is that you cannot set up a date remotely with this girl. Period. Nothing else really matters, if you ask me.

    That sounds rosy so far.

    Now proceeding to the darker side: There is this chance where when people actually hang out in clubs, pubs, they automatically turn into social animals. What I mean is that, their social mode is turned on. The society in that scene requires that everybody behave in such a manner that conversations are loosely started, continued and even occasional sexual suggestions are welcome. When they leave this club, pub or bar, they switch back to their own civilian life. All that crazy shit that happened in that place stays within those walls. Numbers exchanged? Well, there isn’t really a rule that says women had to give replies to texts sent by guys from the bar. So first thing is that you have to accept it is perfectly normal to get no replies, instead of beating yourself over it.

    Also, there is this possibility that she gave you a dummy number, unlikely but who knows? Maybe it did ring. Maybe you have some way of knowing it is legitimate but you get my point. Facebook? Same reason, really. If all these seem too overboard to you, you are free to walk away. But if you really have decided to walk away, you might as well get your answer from her the next time you see her, only because that is needy behaviour and you really have to decide that you are NOT going to see her ever. Got that? Don’t get the order wrong, nor misunderstand that. Decide to leave her forever, get answer, LEAVE. No one deserves to live their life forever asking “what was that all about”. It sucks.

    All in all, I have given you the relevant explanations to keep this situation under control, your emotion, at least. There are just two course of action. One, if you would like to keep this “friend” and continue having awesome conversation at the bar, go ahead. If that is your objective, you go get it. If your objective is to meet her outside, that will be action plan two. Two, you are losing your power to this girl by wanting her to respond to you, and by “begging” her to explain herself on her lack of replies, you will cease to exist as a sexual entity (or so i thought) in her eyes, like a brother, or a lamp (i totally took this quote from a movie). That would mean you get the answer you want that has deluded you for so long and tormented you and leave the scene.

    I sure don’t mind any other course of actions you would like to do, but its just a framework for you to look at, just so you know what sort of predicament you really are in.

    Most importantly, stay happy. Enjoy what you are doing. Since you are doing so well with the ladies, your chances are aplenty. Same advice, keep your options open. Your situation is so much more optimistic that many of us guys.

    John

    Reply
  45. Thom

    yeah, delete that number if she’s ignoring you (I just dropped a bitch after going out with her a few times and then total silence from her). The first time is the hardest. It gets easier.

    They’re doing you a favor. NEXT!

    Reply
  46. Daniel

    Dear John,

    Firstly, thank you for the read! It actually invoked some sort of motivation after checking some of your responses. I’ll just get straight to the point.

    I have grown infatuated with this girl (let’s name her Leia for reference) during this one concert two months back. We barely talked, but we held hands and cried and sang together for most of the songs the band was playing (this band was Incubus). So yeah, in the end, she asked for my phone number and took a picture with me and gave me her FB. At the time, I didn’t pay much attention to her, but over time, I just thought more and more about her.

    Ok, all good and jolly.

    So time passes by and I leave her a message on FB. Sure, she takes her time to reply, I know she’s probably busy, we’re both college students so we’ve got plenty on our hands as it is. Problem is, I’m the one who always tries to initiate MOST conversations, if I’m lucky enough to even hold one! :P

    So, I just assumed that she’s just not into me, which I could deal with. It’s understandable, we met at a concert and we live 300km apart. It probably just would not work out. But then, randomly, after not messaging her for a while, she sends me spontaneous messages like, “Miss u!” or “When are you coming over to my town?”. So now I’m just thinking if she’s just being nice or whatknot. And then I reply to her messages, and it’s the same thing all over again, no reply xD

    And it’s been 2 months like this. And I am changing country, and when I said that, she said she’d come visit me (it’s about a 2 hour plane ride away, and not an expensive flight with our national airline). I know you can’t fully analyze my situation, and I don’t expect you too :) But, what could I potentially do? Should I just tell her how I feel? Or should I just simply wait it out until I see her face to face (which could be… a long time from now).

    Cheers!

    Reply
  47. John

    Dear Daniel,

    You met a girl at a concert, held hands and sang and stuff. That was something, player…

    So your problem as stated is, after that initial event (concert), you two never met the next time. In the meantime, you texted her first all the time, with slow replies. Hey, i’ve been there. I too, was generous with giving her the benefit of the doubt, for it does not benefit you for thinking the worse of her. “if i’m lucky to even hold one!” struck me just as heavily. This is because for that same girl in my situation, i’d call three replies as good enough, but i know deep inside, that was NOT a conversation at all. That was pathetic.

    In other words, i feel your pain.

    Next she sends those “spontaneous” messages.

    Now, I’ll try to have you understand that in some situations, it is only socially acceptable to behave in a certain way. Take for example, holding on to a fellow fan and chanting with the whole audience for a certain purpose with passion, being really “high” and hug when the team wins etc. Although they seem like really positive signs in the dating scene, they may not be in reality. By “not”, i mean neutral.

    Also, the spontaneous messages. I have a girl-friend i speak to early on when i knew her. We even agreed to plans in the future to do some roller blading together and some other secret training stuff to surprise the gang (the rest of our common friends). It never happened. That’s the thing. Sometimes, it was because she had to appear to be “on the ball” when it comes to speaking about plans, instead of being a wet blanket. Nobody likes a floppy squishy wet cloth. And that’s where my answer to your question lies. And that you were right in saying that she was just being nice and welcoming. For me, i’d never believe such grand plans until it materializes for real and that it was done and ended well. THEN, i’ll talk about it. That’s so much more practical, isn’t it?

    Answering your last question, i am going to concur with most “dating gurus” and say no, you cannot tell her your feelings. You’ve only met once, and that was not even a date. It was someone you don’t originally know, unless i am mistaken. So what is your plan, if you tell her how you feel and she likes you back? I’d say there is a high chance you’re going to get yourself hurt even if the best situation happens. And we’re not even saying guaranteed. That sounds badly like setting yourself up in a trap. But I’m not so sure about your willingness or attitude towards a long distance relationship. All that i am saying is just a third person’s view, and it is understood using my own set of willingness and principles, which can be very very different from yours.

    I just want to repeat this important point: Don’t tell her how you feel. I won’t even recommend it even if you’ve met her a couple of times. The thing is, always have the girl attracted to you first, even if you really were attracted to her first. See what i did there? A lion has to run, fight and sweat for his prey, but a spider strolls along its web to its fallen prey. All that sounds inspirational, but reality is, it is so much easier spoken than done. Most of the relationship succeed because the girl already liked the guy. Not when the guy chases and chases like a dog and reveals his feelings. And yes, rejected.

    Hope i have sorted out some things for you.

    John

    Reply