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Text Messaging – How to Stop Hoping and Waiting For Her Reply

How to avoid sitting around waiting for a text message How to avoid sitting around waiting for a text message

It has been 15 minutes since you sent her a text. You just said that you had a great night last night, and asked when you would see her again. You have read it a couple of times after you sent it – was it any good? Could you have done better?

30 minutes passes. You have been checking your cell phone like a maniac. Why hasn’t she replied?!

45 minutes. Now you get all these wierd thoughts that, maybe she wasn’t that into you? But you vibed pretty well, didn’t you? What went wrong?

You start analyzing the evening for mistakes or clues. Nothing. Just a wait a minute! There was this awkward silence, and…

There is no point in continuing the story. You’re a smart guy, you get the point. I’m pretty sure you have been there, too. I know for sure that I have.

It’s a dark, dark place waiting for a text message reply. It downright sucks.

So what is there to do about it?

It’s about a change in mind

The simplest way to say it is this: Stop caring so much!

I know it can be hard. Really hard. But if you don’t want to walk around your whole life and just wait, it is absolutely crucial to learn it.

There will be hundreds of girls. She was just one of them.

This is the attitude you need to take on when you send a text message:

  • I don’t really care if she replies to this message. It’s just a text, I’m just a guy, and she’s just a girl.
  • It would be nice if she did reply, though, because I think she’s kind of cute and I would like to get to know her better.
  • I have better things to do than sitting around and waiting. I have a life. There will be others.
  • Now I’ll just live on and accept whatever the outcome may be.

So maybe she will reply. Maybe she never received the SMS. There are 1000 possibilities.

But in the end, it’s all about the amount of importance you lay on her reply. If it honestly doesn’t mean much to you, what’s the big deal?

Don’t check your phone all the time

Guys, this is huge! Try to really become “outcome independent” of your phone.

No, you don’t need to take it with you everywhere you go, just in case

No, you didn’t just hear your phone. It was probably something else.

No, you don’t need to check it every 5 minutes. And just in case you actually got a SMS, what difference does it make if you don’t read it right away?

Just chill. That’s the basic lesson for today. Don’t take dating so god damn serious!

When to write again

If, after a day or two she still hasn’t replied, it may be time to send another text, just to give it another shot.

Try to not sound too needy. Something along the lines of this should work:

“Hey (girl/nickname), too busy to reply, are you?… That’s just too bad, since I think you’re cute and would like to see you again! :-)

This is not necessarily an example of a good text message, it is just an example. And it may not be your style at all, always remember to ‘be yourself’.

I know it’s old advice, but to be yourself means to be congruent and authentic. Two really important qualities.

What you want to achieve is just some kind of life signal from her side. Maybe she didn’t receive your first text, and in that case, it was a good idea to send her another one.

Maybe she just forgot about it or actually ignored it. If that’s the case, she may reply to this one.

If she doesn’t, is she really worth spending your time and energy on?

I think not.

Third text

If you want to, and she haven’t replied to your second SMS, you can send a third one after a week or something.

A sample could be this:

“Are you alive?”

If she doesn’t text you back after that message, I would just delete her number.

But that’s just me. It’s your call ;-)

Let us hear your stories on waiting for text messages (or calls, for that matter) in the comments.

Photo by Don Solo.

262 thoughts on “Text Messaging – How to Stop Hoping and Waiting For Her Reply

  1. John

    Hi “on this website”,

    Of course all of it is real, live and human. Not sure if “formulating virtually” my written content was a compliment originally. I go by a if-it-happens-to-me-i’ll-be-honest-about-it policy. All of the content are things that I go over myself time and time again, formulating the arguments and reasonings over and over again. That includes formulating arguments ATTACKING my own line of argument. I believe it helps me answer the conventional rebuttals to some of my unconventional wisdom content effectively and truthfully and hopefully logically, without sounding defensive. That’s probably the reason why I can provide sound (hopefully) explanations with ease, for most of them questions are the same questions I have fretted over and reconciled as best as I can. For new questions, I will try to understand the mindset, though difficult and I always fear belittling what other’s had gone through, and give the most help that I can.

    I also believe that we are all here to learn, not to flame one another, belittle each other’s experiences or trying to show superiority of materials over another. We are all hurt people here, there is no need to fight. Over here I hope to instill a certain kind of honesty and frankness, so we can all gain from this.

    Well, I do not actually follow a certain “writing technique”, if any, it is writing everything that comes to my mind that might be helpful to the person asking the question. Breaking things down to a very molecular level where people who are confused will have no confusion, and find familiarity through analogies in my written work.

    I am glad that you are having no problems in this field and still find some happiness from what we all have written.

    John

    Reply
  2. Kyle Smith

    Darn it! I have this GF of mine and it’s been month that I have been sending her text messages. We both have work but even in lunch break she doesn’t even find a time to send me a simple message like “Lunch time”. I am thinking that she is tired of me. We’ll I am not that perfect. I just want to see her caring for me. If she doesn’t give a damn reply or text within a day then I stop bringing my phone or just change my number. She just text me if she needs something (that’s how I feel).

    Reply
  3. John

    Hi Kyle,

    Like most of the guys who expect texts back from their female friends, we seem to think that when there is no answer, it means a super drastic situation. But this is not true. Men, being men, somehow attach meanings quite on the extreme scale, like a switch, either on or off. But we need to realise that there are nuances to things.

    That being said, if a girl is not interested enough to maintain some form of conversation with you, then it is not worth your time trying and trying to get her attention. At the end of the day, you deserve someone who treats you well. She deserves someone like you who treats her good, but she does not see it. Also, an additional point to add, there is no point in telling this to her. What it will do is, make her a better person, but not for you. No matter how “lack” of girls any guy can have, he can still live on and find more. When you look out, you will receive. Get your head stuck with this one, you’ll never see any.

    Your call. Your happiness is the most important thing to you.

    Regards,
    John

    Reply
  4. Kyle Smith

    Hello John, Thanks for the reply! before the day ends she send me a text message and asked if we could go out. as expected, I go out with her but not the usual happy face. She asked me what my problem is but I am to shy to say it to her it feels for the reason that “when I say it she will think that I am demanding but when I didn’t say it she will say I am secretive and we cannot solve the issue” but good thing that she knows when I have problems. After 15 mins going home I text her and because I can’t stop worrying about her caring for me that way and she said, “Don’t worry so much when I don’t send you text messages because at the end of the day I will always send you a text message. I was just so busy with work and don’t have time to send you a text”. I think that is ok with me so far because this season is the busiest.

    I think john, I need to have a self-esteem or something and have a kind of trust that she wouldn’t do such thing. Maybe I was also wrong that she is using me. Such foolishness.

    What I have learned is that, talking personal is much better than thinking and expecting something that you are not certain of.

    Reply
  5. John

    Hi Kyle,

    Well, that went better than expected!

    I will say that your situation is something I wish I have, that text at the end of the day thing. I really do not mind busy days where there is no time to text, but at least at the end of the day, there is some form of closure instead of leaving me hanging. That, though sounded weak as a man admittedly, serves a purpose for me.

    Self-esteem? Yeah, sure! But I also know that when situation strikes, most of the motivational stuff we say to ourselves usually goes out of the window pretty easily so, let it be a challenge to yourself to keep the advice close to yourself when bad things happen!

    Talking personal? I think you mean speaking personally to the person, and on that, i agree. I believe in conversing personally. SMS just serves as a cheap and quick tool to stay in touch while exchanging banters when things get busy. It also relieves stress when replies are good.

    Good to hear that things went well in the end. Too much worries, huh?

    Regards,
    John

    Reply
  6. Kyle Smith

    I think I’m still a lucky guy that at least at the end of the day she can send me a message and I think being paranoid is just all to myself, I think I should include this in my new year resolution and be a better man.

    Motivational stuff…. hmmm… What I notice about this is that when we talk and give advice to others it is like we are gurus or something but when the time comes that we need advice we tend to forget everything that we thought others. I think as a man we should keep our own advice and advice from others close to ourselves, no woman I believe that would love a man who lacks strength in solving his own problems most of the time. * Such a shame. Another new year resolution.

    Yes, speaking personally is what I meant. Sometimes having phones and this bunch of technology for communication is slowly lowering our communication/sense/trust (can’t find the right term) in the real world. Sometimes, when I think of it, I get envy on how many parents live in the past without phones. :)

    I have been thinking that Phones are only good for business but when it comes to relationships it is like a 50-50 either you get mixed emotion with love or you get mixed emotion with doubt and anger.

    Reply
  7. John

    Hi Kyle,

    Although I am in this forum as though I were in a position of giving others advice, I always say, I only know what to say because I am a victim just like everyone. I can relate to stuff more or less accurately and actually cause less doubt from the readers as compared to the doubt we might have for someone who’s already “out of the pit” so to speak.

    Sometimes when I am down I look through some of these things everyone has posted about or my own posts even, just to remind myself what I have thought through before. I have had a bunch of advice from others I speak to personally too, and I take what sounds correct and process it. This is because some people say the advice because it is conventional wisdom, like a famous saying and stuff. But i think some of these are over idealistic, and i like to cut them down to size to something that we can agree on, that it is not something only uttered by accomplished people. I mean, of course it is easy to say how to do things when you’re successful, everything “always works”. That’s hindsight stuff. I want to get under the hood and help as many as I can, though it does not always mean I am successful or have to be successful in the end. I am only here because i think I am good at doing things that are wrong, and that i’ll like to point it out to guys who might be thinking of doing the same thing and checked in here.

    I agree to your statement about technology and our parents’ generations. Their age is the age where social interactions are real, at least, more real than us. Sincere. Face to face. Paying attention to the person right in front of you on a date/appointment/meeting, instead of down on the phone screen.

    Yes, for business, where emotions are not relevant and so it seems like we never feel angry at a business text or the lack of it. But a text from a girl? A total different story eh?

    Cool stuff.

    Regards,
    John

    Reply
  8. elloy

    hey my name is john now i’m attempting to get this woman to fall for me but she always seems to be distant. now she has a child which makes me show a bit of pity for her. my point is though that we have gone one to two days without talking at times and then suddenly i recieve a text telling me you dont want to talk to me anymore. im confufused.

    Reply
  9. John

    Dear elloy/John

    Let’s break this down and at the same time double check my understanding.

    1. she seems to be distant
    2. Has a child
    3. Issue of pity
    4. two days of not talking
    5. text saying she doesn’t want to talk to you anymore

    Work with me here, to do a bit of imagination as we require while we go down. It will help you understand the problem.

    One at a time:
    She’s distant. That is like a signal telling you that she isn’t into you. Or she’s really kind and doesn’t want you to waste your time on her, for reasons that we actually can see. Now, pretend that there is a woman you do not like. But she talks to you, gets up close to you. You’re going to be “distant”, right? Or second choice is, tell her straight up that you are not interested. Doesn’t it seem suspiciously like what your woman has done here? There’s nothing mystical. If the hint doesn’t sink in, you’d go for the direct hit. So did she.

    Has a child. I shall assume that before you met her, she had the child already. This tells us that she has come out of a relationship that can hardly be described as good, doesn’t it? Something must have happened. Issues of distrust, emotional cracks etc a plethora of problems that comes from such a situation. This stuff is controversial and putting it across logically will seem inhumane, but it just boils down to two options. Either pull the good guy routine, commit to her, promise the whole world etc, which is both painful and unnecessary, from the standpoint of a man who just wants to settle down with someone he loves, there are better ways of finding the so-called “true love”. A woman with a child isn’t exactly, should I say, the best “bet”. She has her own set of problems to face. While another supporter is always good, the question is, are you able to take all of that upon your shoulders? Add that to her distant behaviour towards you. A normal relationship is an uphill battle. This situation is practically vertical. Oh yes, pity and love doesn’t go well together. Imagine once again, that a very attractive woman dates you because she pities you. That drives home the point, right? She’s not going to entrust her entire life all over again on a guy who bases her new happiness on pity.

    Two days of not talking. This isn’t really the big issue. She’s distant, remember? Being distant => not talk to you. Makes sense?

    Final text saying she doesn’t want to talk to you anymore. That is like the final straw, indicating that she’s not going to put all of her problems on you. Or, she doesn’t trust you enough. Or she doesn’t care for your love. Either way, it is not going to work out. You’d do the same if the same unattractive woman you imagined earlier failed to catch your hint of being distant. I hope this has made the situation clearer for you. (the purpose of using “unattractive” is to properly define that she is someone you do not care to love, not saying you are unattractive).

    Last word on the matter: These pointers are just my two cents’ worth. Feel free to talk to more people, I’d say most of them would be much harsher than what I have said. Probably telling you to ball up and move on. If you like to date around, go ahead and pick up pointers from pick-up-artists, the information are all over the net. But if you are looking to settle down, you have a better chance of acceptance and finding a better other half elsewhere. Go forth, the ball’s in your court now.

    John

    Reply
  10. Connor Moran

    I have been talking to this gi since last October, and the last day of school last year during the month of May we hungout for the first time. We hit it off over the summer and she came to my house which was a good drive for her, met my family and I took her out. She then became very busy with work and would sometimes stop answering me and ignore me. Now finally were back at school for a new semester this fall and the first two weeks she completely ignored me when I would see her in public through texts as well. And it’s been a month and maybe a week or two and she’s ignoring me again. She told me that she was afraid of starting a relationship the first week and half where she ignored me. Don’t get me wrong we’ve hungout and I’ve told her some deep shit and so has she. It’s just the most confusing thing ever. And at this point I’m giving up

    Reply
  11. Mike

    You know what funny? Here is a thing happen in the last five years in the same thing over and over.

    Here one, I had talk to bunch of girls that I had met from online dating sites. After I ask them if they want to meet for coffee, or dinner date.

    So we meet there. And say hello to each other (same routine for the other girls I have met). However, we have chat together and laugh together. Just enjoy the night together for a hour to couple hours. So after that we went out and give a hug before we head to our car. Sometime I told her to text me and sometime she(s) told me that too.

    So that night or the next day, I text her that “it great to met you at the dinner last night, hope we can do it again” so most within a week after we text each other. She just stop texting me. So I reply to see how it goes and no reply. Here went day….week… So I try again…. Nothing but some girls say I am so sorry, I am so busy with work (blah blah). I know why they said that to avoid to talk to me.

    (Speak of me, I am hard hearing and I have a hearing aid on my right side and I can’t able to talking on the phone but I try my bests nod I can able to talk to them like I am a normal person and sometime it hard to hear her in noisy background)

    So five years later, here I am. Trying to get a second date with them and end up same story “i am sorry but I don’t think we should talking each other”.

    Is my texting went wrong? Is communication important to them? Or am I texting them too much for them? Am I reply them to fast after they reply back to me?

    Maybe I don’t need my phone 24/7.

    Mike

    Reply