The girl i was with dumped me 3 weeks ago on saturday, but stated she wanted to remain friends. the next day, she went and slept with her ex, and has seen been seeing him since. she stated when we split that “it was me or no one,” and that she was going to work on herself. i just don’t get how people just cant be straight forward with others. she only seems to contact me when she need something, and was otherwise cold and just not even talking to me. let me explain our relationship:

I had known her for 10 years, and used to teach her art. she is younger than me by nearly a decade (she, 22, myself, 31). i was initially hired by her mum to teach her, her mother and i used to work together. when i first met her, i had no idea that a decade later we would be dating. beside the point, i guess… anyways, we remained friends, though not in alot of contact for a few years after she went on to highschool.

after some time, i ran into her again, and it turned out she was dating one of my good friends, and i was very happy for both of them. she introduced me to one of her friends and we hit it off and began dating. about a year of dating the girl she had introduced me to, things fell apart and it cost me a job and a house. in the same week, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. the friend that my art student girl, who always claimed that i was his best friend was nowhere to be found when i reached out for support, but my art student was. she even got into fights with him about his absence in my time of need.

one day, during this rough time, i was actually ready to end my life, and she came to see me to help me do something(i cant remember) but inadvertently saved my life. it was then that i knew i loved her, but i wasn’t going to pursue her because she was with my friend, and i held both friendships in the highest regard, and didn’t want to make her uncomfortable with any show of what i felt.

about a month after that day, i left the state to take care of my mother. during this time, i wasn’t in contact with my art student girl, and just focused on repairing myself and helping my mum. the girl that i had lost the job and house over had been calling and e-mailing me during the first two or three months but i cut her out, and continued to do what i was doing. my mum went through lung surgery to remove the cancerous tissue, and the surgery was a complete success. things had begun to look up, and i felt good. my mum wanted a change in life and so it was decided that we would move the family back to my home state. we did this in febuary, and i was immediately back in contact with my friend and my art student girl.

they had broken up, and so i let my friend move in with us so that he could get space. he began seeing another girl(art student girls best friend) but asked me not to tell his ex, and i was talking to my art student alot, trying to help her feel better about the break up but not letting her know what was going on with my friend other than that he was alright. i felt bad for not telling her, and then one night while hanging out with my art student girl, she reveals to me that she was still occasionally sleeping with the guy. she said that he often told her that he loved her and she was the only one for him. she was hopeful that they would get back together, but she didn’t know about her ex and best friend sleeping together. i felt so bad about not telling her, and afraid to cause her any strife, i kept the secret still.

about 2 weeks after the revelation, it was brought to my attention that my man-friend was talking alot of shit behind my back, and it was over the fact that i was hanging out with the art student girl. i was very pissed off, as not only was he hurting someone i cared deeply for and lying to her, stringing her along, he was living in my house on my dime, rent free and screwing the other girl, and talking shit about me. i wanted to tell the art girl, but didn’t know how.

one night a few days later, art girl and i were hanging out and had made plans to go back to my house to make food and watch movies. my man-frienemy had said he would be out all night, so i had no idea that the next thing would happen. he drops me a text asking when i would be home, knowing i was hanging with art girl. i knew he was at home, and as i was angry at him and tired of him hurting the girl i had since fallen in love with but had said nothing to about it, i just shut my phone. i could have told her that i’d rather go somewhere else, but instead, i figured that it was the right time for art girl to find out and for man-frienemy to move out.

when we got home, it became chaos very quickly, and in the end of it, she had written him off, i kicked him out, the best friend dumped him.. and art girl was falling apart…
he would have to move back in to the house where they had lived, and as he was best friends with the owner, he had priority. she had no where to go and i offered her my couch and friendship so that she would be ok. i kept my feelings for her at bay, and talked to her all the time, trying to ease her pain.

as the weeks went by, i helped her to find her self confidence again, helped her get back on track in community college and to see that there was life after being hurt so bad. i was there for her every moment, as were my mother and her husband. we didn’t charge her rent, and only asked that she occasionally chip in on the food bill, $50 dollars her and there when she had it, just to make sure she could save money. life was good, and though there was no romance between us, i was happy in just showing her that she was loved and important and worthwhile as a friend.

st. patty’s day comes around and we hit a karaoke bar. we had a blast, and were side by side all night long. she looked beautiful, she had dressed up in a black pleated skirt and corset, added green ribbons to her hair and i took green eyeliner and gold body paint to her face, making a lovely design down one side of her face. to me she looked like a celtic warrior queen, and i fell in complete love right there. we went out and i stayed quiet and when we went home, i could hold my tongue no longer. i knew i would break my silence, and was beyond afraid to. the last girl i was with had drug my heart around, constantly cheating and lying, and i was afraid to put my heart out in the open… then she began kissing me, telling me that i did things to her both mind and body, and that she was happy with being near me all the time. i gave in and told her how i felt, that i loved her more than life its self, that i longed for her and wanted to do anything and everything to make her days beautiful and happy and perfect. we began to get closer and more frantic and began making love. half way through, i sensed a reservation in her, and i stopped and told her we didn’t have to do this if she wasn’t ready, and she broke… she said she wanted to so badly, but she still had alot of pain inside and more than anything didn’t want to be unfair to me by not giving herself completely. so we stopped and i held her all night long.

for a few days, she didn’t say much, but i was still there doing everything i could to keep her calm and level and to help her heal. about 3 or 4 days went by like this, and one morning, she came to me and said she needed to talk. she told me that she cared so deeply for me and that she wanted to see how far her and i could go, but didn’t want to have a label. i told her that i respected how she felt about a label but in my experience, a person who doesn’t want a label wants more to appear single and available than to not feel tied down, and i could not/would not get entangled in a love-relationship in that way. a few more days of light conversation passed and then she asked me to be her boyfriend. i accepted and we began what i believed was all that i ever wanted. we didn’t start making love for about a week, but the first time we did finally, it was beautiful and emotional and full of love. she told me she was falling for me. within a week of that, she told me she loved me, and every day for about 2 months was wonderful. she had said she was over the ex, and she wanted to never speak to him again. she repaired her friendship with the friend he had betrayed her for and life seemed good. we had even went for a walk with her ex and talked and at first he seemed okay, until he said he wanted her and i to stop sleeping together, but we both refused. he called her a cunt and told her he “hoped she was happy with that piece of shit.”
we even had the support of both sets of our parents and all of our friends. i thought there was no way we could fail.

one day, she contacted him and told me about it later. she said that she knew i would say don’t contact him because he isn’t ready, so she only told me after. i was confused, but also hurt and i felt like i couldn’t trust her. that night we had our first disagreement, but we didn’t fight.

for weeks, i felt like i couldn’t trust her and it showed. she also began getting guarded about things, and began fighting with me about trust and that she didn’t want to be questiond. she even told me that her character was above reproach and therefore she would not accept being questioned at all. this only made me more suspicious. but i tried to question less.

one night, she told me she’d be home by 12. 1a.m. rolls around and i called and asked why she was late. she was with the girl that her ex had slept with and said she was just lost in conversation, but came home shortly after.

a little more time went by and she told me that she was feeling hurt because we had been fighting and i didn’t trust and that something inside felt broken. i told her it was hard for me to trust, but i would continue working on it and would try to not fight with her over it. she said she believed we could work it out if that was the case, and i had hope that we would. she had begun pulling away but she seemed to want to get closer again.

3 days later, she breaks up with me, and says she wanted to be friends…. she went out the next day telling me she was going to hang out with her friend that had slept with the ex, and i trusted her and believed she needed some time. she said she would still like to live here for a while, and we agreed that she and i would both not see anyone while she lived here still. when she left, i had an horrible feeling.

she didn’t come home and at bout 3 am, a friend of mine calls and asked me to take a ride with him to show me something, not knowing art girl and i had split. we roll by her old house, and both art girls and the douche-bag ex’s cars are there, and i knew… i called her, but no answer. i called again in the morning, and when she answered, i told her what i saw. she confessed to sleeping with him and i told her that she needed to come talk to me right then. after a long argument, she complied. when we talked, i tried to keep level, and she just acted like she didn’t care that she had replaced me in less than 24 hours. she told me when i asked why that it “got her close to who she wanted to be close to and that she loved him and didn’t love me, but as far as a relationship, that it was me and her or no one and that she was going to work on herself.” i had my doubts. she also said when asked that if i had not found out, she would never have told me.

we’ve only talked a few times, and one night we had an explosive argument because she was going to come get her things, but then didn’t. when she came to get her things, she acted friendly and i thought that a friendship would work, but we talked again just last week and i asked if they were official yet, and she said “eh.. it’s up in the air.” she was supposed to go on vacation this week to see her mother in another state. she had left a digital camera by accident and asked to come get it. i agreed. we talked a little and she told me that she was going to see him for a few days before going to see her mother… i’d been breaking every day but now i was dying inside. i kept my cool til she left, told her that i loved her but didn’t agree with her decision. she didn’t seem to care how i felt at all.

the night before last, she posted on her facebook that she “got there and was spending time with the man she loves.” i saw this in my feed and instead of going off, i wrote her a short message asking her to not post for a while thing about him and her, as it still hurt me. she deletes me from facebook. when i messaged and asked why, she told me that she wasn’t going to censor herself for me, yet it’s not that she doesn’t care… she said it was easier this way and that her and i will never get back together and she is sure he will never be hurt by him again.

so, in response, i instituted a no contact rule with a polite email, and temporarily deactivated my facebook… the email was this:

“hi,
i agree with you about the decision to break up, i really believe it was the best thing for both of us. i have some big decisions to make and i need some time to think them over. though i would like to maintain an active friendship, i would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time. i extend my apologies for offending you earlier. i will be in touch when I am ready.”

today is my second day of no contact, my facebook remains down and there is no reply in my email and she hasn’t called. i do still miss her but i took any power away that she has. i don’t know exactly what this will bring, whether we will even be friends, i don’t know. i hurt inside alot, and have even developed symptoms of anxiety: numbness in my arms, a tightness in my wind pipe and forgetfulness involving tasks that i’m doing. i didn’t cry yesterday or today, and was finally so exausted last night that i slept 7 hours. that is twice what i have been sleeping these past 3 weeks.

i don’t know if she ever cared, and i don’t know why she wanted to stay friends when she never talks to me except to rub it in or to get something she needs. but i know that by turning the tables she has no more control on me and i can begin to heal.

the point of “no contact” is this… it forces you and the other to take stock and see what you need to work on and if it is worth it for either one of you to find out and make the changes needed to make that a possibility. i say possibility because sometimes, even if you want to make those changes, simply by making them, you may find that the change was needed but the person is not. distance is the only way to heal, and i’m just learning that now.

for anyone who thinks that this will work as a mind game, it might or might not. that isn’t the point. if you think about it, you instead get closure either way, whether they call again or not. at least you will know where you stand, if you are important enough to at least be considered a friend or not. i’ve found that most times, when a girl asks you to be a friend, it is because she either values you, isn’t ready to fully let go, or enjoys the self-esteem boost of you chasing after her.

by doing “no contact” you flip the script on her, and deny her closure all the while, letting her actions present closure to you. it will hurt, but if you stand your ground, there is atleast the benefit of not compromising yourself. dignity is a must for a human being and until i finally got sick of it, i had been giving up my dignity by sending those letters of love with half assed best wishes, by begging her to reconsider and by trying to “be the good friend.” you have to find some venom in you to do no contact, so if they hurt you, either by cheating or by replacing you or using you or what ever, remember that. later on, you will find the only true way to forgive is to forget, but not right now. not while you hurt and need closure. forgiveness is a must, but there’s no time-line for it… do it when YOU are ready, not when they want it. this is all i’ve got, so i hope it strikes a chord for someone. thanks for the article, it helps me to know that i am not alone and that there are people who want me to and everyone else to return to a happy and healthy life.

-mcG

my ex GF of 15 months split with me literally overnight. I also got the ‘were to different’ line.

On our first ever date, she was reclusive, withdrawn, aloof, and in ways i even thought she may have been on drugs or even that she wasnt totally sane, but i attributed it to nerves and shyness. Time told that she had suffere3d depression and alcoholism after the split from her first and long term ex, who was heavily abusive, 3 years ago.

Over the following months, I encouraged her to talk openly, I did all the things a man should. Told her she was beautiful, protected her, hugged her, CARED for her. Her confidence improved, our communication improved. we talked about things that would never have been discussed in the beginning.

SHE GREW. I helped her to love herself. Then last week, out of nowhere, she just ended it. our communication wasnt as good as it shouldve been, or rather mine was, but hers wasnt. She apparently wasant happy towards the end, something which i was unaware of due to her aloof nature. I didnt even get the cahnce to try and rectify things.
Shes INFJ and a total emotional idealist. always chasing the dream of the perfect love, never seeing the perfecting in OUR love, only the faults. We defo werent perfect for eachother, we needed to work at it. Thats what i thought a relationship was about. nothing is perfect and nothing worth having comes easily.

We seperated. I agreed to no contact, on the premise that sometime in the future, a month or so, we’d talk and see if we could start agan as friends.

2days in and i cracked (doh i know).anyway in the course of the conversation, it emerged that although she was still upset and in love with me, as well as still angry with me; she had signed up on the 1st dating site she could find, and swapped nude pics with a complete stranger. I was shocked, this was totally out of character for her, she had only 1 serious relationship before me and was a virgin before that. so i reacted badly, called her a cheap slut (again bad move), and during the last week according to a mutual friend, she is still persuing a meeting with the picture guy, with a view to a relationship. the mutual friend doesnt believe its a good course of action for her, and i tried to say the same to her, but obviously i just appeared jealous. I am still maintaining no contact, and i constantly bounce between wanting to see her and talk it all out, and wanting to get over her, gaining some self respect again.

I had a minor revelation, a ‘moment of clarity’ if you will. I helped her. I built her up from a depressed, closed emotional wreck; into a open, more confident (defo more body confident) person. I was suddenly happy. whatever had occurred between us, I HAD HELPED. I HAD MADE SOMEONES LIFE BETTER. I GREW ALSO. all this despite the fact she used her newfound body confidence to woo the 1st man who showed interest, into excahnging sexy pic and calls with her.

However my happy period only lasted til the morning, when i was back to square one.

I desperately need to get over this.

I have enough self worth left to know she doesnt deserve a 2nd chance and that in ways it was the best thing for us, and much as i wnat to be friends in the future, it wont be a near future thing. Ive got hot girls asking me out left right and centre, but all i can see is her.

I need help, before i need a shrink.

I´ve been in No contact for 3 month now, and i would really like just to say hi there how are you doing, also to show her i´m overcoming the relationship and how much i´ve missed her……..so that can be a first step for maybe a future relationship, if not i would eventualy like to hear about her , it just really messes with my head to think i cant ever know anything more about her life!!!!

OK, now that I know some more of the story you shouldn’t feel bad at all for not responding to him and to hell with what he thinks of it. If he keeps contacting you and you feel necessary, go ahead and send him a message to the effect that you are glad he is well but not interested in remaining in contact. That’s it; nothing further even if he pushes back. And if he continues to contact you, block his number, e-mail, etc. Good luck and stay strong- no contact.

He did the breaking up (you know, the “we’re just too different” line). I didn’t even see it coming. Gah. Like a sledgehammer to the skull.

I read your original post. Wow. That’s a tough one. In your situation, I would suggest you let some time pass so that you both can calm down and just have some space to yourselves. Then, when you feel that you are ready to accept that she might, or might not, want to date you again – that is when you request to have a chat with her. You need space and time so that you’re both not volatile emotionally. Use the opportunity to just clear the air. I wouldn’t go into it thinking that it will lead to a reconciliation. This could scare her off.

But I’m no expert on this issue (hell, I wouldn’t be posting here if I was!). The important thing to remember is that when a person takes their love away from you, we cannot force them to give it back. At the end of the day, you are still a complete person. Whatever the outcome.

Good luck with that situation Rocco! And keep busy!

So I am clear, did you break up with him, or him with you?

Also, please see my original post above yours and let me know what you think? I am still struggling…

Thanks for that advice. Frustrating times require strong words and actions!

I’m just a bit concerned that if I give the silent treatment, he will think: “Oh, she’s so juvenile.” I know, I know – I really shouldn’t give a damn about what he thinks. But I want to come out of this mess feeling like I handled it with dignity (and so he doesn’t get the satisfaction of thinking me emotionally stunted and stubborn).

Every time he emails, he plays the “good guy” trying to be friends (ooooh, so glad to see he’s moved on so quickly with his life). And I feel like a right royal asshole for not reciprocating. It’s hard to say “speak to the hand” if he’s lathering on the “I’m a good guy” routine.

I think I need some carefully crafted words to end this “We’re pretending to be friends, but we’re not” charade. Help!

Don’t give him the satisfaction of a response. Be strong in the knowledge that he is now contacting you and you can and will ignore him!

-Rocco