Why You Can’t Be Friends with Your Ex after the Break Up – And the No Contact Rule
"It's not you, it's me. Let's be friends" - Sounds familiar?Note from Alex: This is a guest post from Jamie. If you’ve been a follower of the How To Get Over Your Ex Girlfriend comments (450+ and counting!), you know who he is.
I think that this is an excellent article laying out a lot of important principles for doing just that – getting over your ex. I’ll now give the word to Jamie. Warning: Contains foul language. Yeah!
Thanks Alex!
I believe this is an excellent blast to all the guys out there who are thinking they’d like to stay “friends” with the girl who dumped them.
The flow of the piece is this:
- You can’t be friends.
- You MUST neutralize the girl’s power over you.
- The most effective way to neutralize the power is a clinical approach that is based in large part on the “No Contact Rule”.
- What are some of the practical tactics that are involved.
- You’ll be better off for having taken these steps.
You could write a PhD dissertation about the no contact rule and getting over a girl. This, however, is designed to be a quick read that hopefully will give men (read: you!) a fast-acting shot of empathy and momentary strength from realizing that what they are experiencing is something experienced by mankind as a collective and therefore not insurmountable. Phew. Lets get on with it!
Post-break-up friendship with your ex: DON’T
In the immediate aftermath of a break-up, and especially when you’ve been the one to be dumped, it is im-f*cking-possible to remain friends with the woman who grenaded your heart – even if you have months and months (or years and years) invested in her.
While powerful, the desire to remain friends is knee-jerk reaction to your own fear of being alone, and to internal weakness and insecurity – which may be temporary – but that you still need to address.
HOWEVER, it is VITALLY important that you always maintain cordial relationships (if not friendships) with as many women as possible! B/c while the bar/club scene is nice, other women can be a rich feeder source for possible date material – and I mean dates w/ girls who you would actually bring home to mom, and not just bang…
Neutralize her power over you
Another thing to consider: the goal after being dumped is not so much to “forget” the ex as it is to neutralize her power over you.
The irony is that whatever power she has is only there because you give it to her by virtue of having made a mental leap in reconceptualizing your life as now only being able to exist if your ex is part of it.
Any human being should ALWAYS be engaged in a continual process of self-development and cultivation, so that you can be your best.
When you limit your insecurities by excelling at school or sport or in your career, you 1) become less needy and 2) become a much better partner for a woman who might actually deserve you.
The NO contact rule
Nonetheless, when you’re in the shit – like many of us are – and trying to get over an ex, you must be clinical and disciplined in your approach and have no contact whatsoever for some minimum period.
If you just texted her or checked her FaceBook or drunk dialed – that’s fine. It’s normal. It’s what we do. But right now, from this second, commit to not seeking her out in person or virtually for at least 24 hours.
And after those 24 hours pass, commit to another day; and another; and another.
If you’re mentally obsessing over her, every time you start focusing on her FORCE yourself to shift to something else.
Have discipline
Watching TV is not a very good distraction – reading a book is better. But hitting the gym or going for a run or skydiving is a lot more effective – because you shut down the part of your subconscious that obsesses over her – if only for 30min or an hour – and you get some peace.
A relapse is never far away, even after weeks or months – which is why you have to be clinical and disciplined. Delete her from your FaceBook and MySpace. Delete her from your mobile. If you have her contact details stored in your address book – delete them from there, too.
Yes, we KNOW that you feel like you’re dead without her and that you are physically hurting even – it is what it is.
But you have two choices – either be consumed by the hurt and pain and rendered totally impotent, or commit to putting into practice some of the advice given here with the expectation that if you can do the work, one day you’ll find tranquillity and return to equilibrium.
You’ll get through – and get better
And then the next time you become emotionally intimate with a woman, hopefully you have a more sophisticated perspective and will be better aware of what’s happening in the relationship on a daily basis.
Last thing – even though I said delete her from your FaceBook and MySpace and phone, etc., that (for me) is only so you can’t be an idiot and actually call or text her when you crack and your resolve momentarily weakens.
Don’t completely destroy the memory of her
If you were in a relationship for any significant amount of time, that person is always going to have been part of your life, and you can’t obliterate the memory of her as if you were firebombing Germany. It just doesn’t work.
You want to end up with just a black hole in your psyche for the time you were with her? Take all the “stuff” she gave you or that reminds you of her and put it in a box or boxes or whatever and get it out of your physical space.
I don’t think you need to throw it away (but then I’m a little sentimental), and you can save her contact information on a CD that you throw in the box as well; when you’re old a worn-out it’s actually nice to have mementos from the past as they become tangible reminders or triggers of memory from years gone by.
But when you’re knee-deep in hurt and pain and misery, lock that shit away as if it was radioactive. Because in a sense it is – you need to be a technician and shut down your irrationality and reptilian-response to wanting to get back with a chick who dumped you, devalued you, broke your heart, cast you aside…
And someday you’ll have gone through enough misery and suffering that her power over you will be neutralized and you’ll have a better understanding of not just your limits, but your strengths as a person. And your next relationship will be all the better for it.
Back to Alex:
Hope you enjoyed it guys! As always, comments are highly appreciated. What do you think? Girls are also more than welcome to join in :-)
Lots of great images this time. Second one by jasoneppink. Third one by Thomas Hawk. Last one by .ash. All beautiful, thanks!
Also, I highly encourage you to check out my book called “The Ex-Girlfriend Solution”. It includes everything you have ever wanted to know about getting over your ex and moving on with your life. It takes you right from the break-up to your new relationship, and it answers all the questions I get all the time, like “what to do if she wants to be friends”, “how to avoid being distracted by thoughts about her”, “how to fall asleep when I miss her” etc…
On top of that, there’s a big chapter on the no contact rule. Read more about it here!
(Both men and women can be victims of abusive relationships. If you are interested in helping others with this, you may consider pursuing a social work degree from Our Lady of the Lake University online.)
I posted back in November a post titled Miami. It’ll be 6 months on the 25th. She stopped calling. Last I heard she was getting married and/or pregnant… This guide has helped me alot and I definately don’t feel as devastated as I did back then. I realize that I’ve made so much forward progress with myself (im a year from finished my University studies) and in my career. However I can’t help but feel that same sinking void. I can’t help but think about her. Everyone says “at this point, its just about finding someone new and creating new memories, etc.” After dating and meeting other people I find myself with that same familiar hollow at the end of the night. I’ll keep going but its the memories that really ache the soul. This road isnt easy but it’s the right one to follow. If anyone has any suggestions or comments they would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again Alex.
I have been friends with benefits with this girl for about six months; I fell in love with her and started to back off because I didn’t want to get hurt if I told her the truth.
She told me once that she was in love with me; however, she sometimes treated me like shit and acted very immature.
Is it better to just completely cut contact with her so that I can move on? Or should I tell her that we can no longer be friends because I was/am in love with her and it just hurts too much.
I ended up writing out this huge letter to her telling her why I stopped talking to her and why I stopped being and acting like her “best” friend.
But I never sent it; I’m not sure if I should. . .
What is a good idea in this situation?
We haven’t spoken in a month.
Fantastic thread I must say! My ex boyfriend broke up with me about two years ago and I went through the entire phase, pretty much everything you mentioned in your article. I did try, however, to get back with him several times in which he always declined stating that we were not right for each other. This past Sunday we finally talked to each other again, and it was purely for me to prove to myself that I am over him and that I don’t want to be with him. He did make a proposition involving the “friends with benefits” thing, and I laughed at first and later said I would consider it.
I went away to college and I would never forget the night when he thought being cruel and mean would be a way for me to easily get over him, but it didn’t. I am very persistent and in everything I do, NO means yes to me. So whenever I heard him say no to me it only made me want him even more. Well, good for me I wised up after dating again and having no luck with relationships. I am now at a stage where I want no serious relationships, only a “friend with benefit.” My plan right now is to do just that in hopes that he would see what he missed out on, and in the process I get to be the one to refuse him. I know how this sounds, but it took me years to get over this guy and I finally did, so now I want him to feel what I felt all this time hearing him say NO to me.
So what happens if you have an ex with your current 10 month old baby and another that’s currently been in her womb for 8 weeks? Other than saying I’m fucked, comments please…
Awesome Jamie just took your advice, spent the last week looking at my ex’s Facebook profile, but I finally deleted her, blocked her, went to the gym for six hours, biked the next day, and played soccer with my dad today. I felt so alive during those times. Although when I came back the pain was there but it is not as severe as it was before. I still want to punch any guy she could be with!
I would like to chime in…I am a good Black American bachelor man from NYC who met a very cool chick from Russia last year. She is going tru a divorce and has two teenage sons who are beautiful. We started slowly and built momentum. I am 56 years old, she is 37. All kinds of hip memories were built until just two weeks after we celebrated mightily our one year anniversary…she gave me the “we have to talk and I can’t tell U on the telephone” speech…surely enought, much to my chagrin and fear, she told me “the magic is gone, and can’t be in a relationship and lie” I couldn’t believe it! No talking her out of it. This was three weeks ago, yet we still kind of communicate sparsely when we used to email DAILY…now only once or twice, or a text here or there; she came over when a friend from out of town came to visit two weeks after her speech to me…someimes a msg from Myspace. I STILL don’t know the real reason WHY she dumped me! She will only say something I did changed her opinion of me as a man. At first I wrote her three letters in long had in the hours after her speech…(I’m a writer by pprofession so that was NO problem) She told me to “cool it” even though she said they were “romantic”. Every time I try to cut off all communication…she reappears however lukewarmly…I wanna give her “space” in the hope that she’ll drift back…the SEX was awesome and we Never argued! The mix of cultures was great, her accent truly wickedly hot andI helped her with her English because she encouraged me to…any advice guys going forward in this summertime – the worst time to not have a gf???
thanx this is gr8 for me but mine is more gripping and heartbreaking c here we go.
I met a girl yes we had a up n down relationship for 15 yrs and two lovely boys Thomas and Joshua im 7 years older than her and loved her dearly even though i didn’t show it as much as i should but she had a childhood sweetheart and she finished him for me well we moved on she was all me as later 15 yrs later found out she been trying to trace him on FACEBOOK and used me cuz she had always loved him and now she is with him and says in txts “I H8 YOU WITH A PASSION” WTF!! I should b saying that..
ye im still hurting but that jerk has had the snip and at least im still a man.
i miss her so but i H8 her as i wouldn’t hurt her like tht we have to stay in touch but its her winding me up to a point im changing my mobile & landline number and blocked her on FACEBOOK
Things r hard for me but she is laughing at me and there is a tru saying “THEY WHO LAUGHS FIRST LAUGHS LAST”
i am on the mend but she is a fool im one too for 15 yrs 2 boys and a lie.
Wow you guys did it again. I made a few comments on the other article, but damn I didnt think you guys would bring this one out. Real helpful, and very true. Me and my x were together for three years. Good and bad, she always was the first one to quit, leaving me for 1-2 months at a time sometimes, each time fucking someone else and then crawling back to me when she realized how fucking stupid she is. Love can make a man a sucker, and being in my first serious relationship, I was suckered in to taking her back all three times. June of this year is when it all fell through. No woman has ever been able to drive me almost to the point of insanity when we argued which was almost everyday. It hurts, because I really loved her, .. for three years even after she did what she did. I feel so fucking betrayed.
Bottom line is that she “dosent wanna lose me (when she “dumped” me) wants to stay in touch.” <— Real quote
Yea fucking right. Keep dreaming. Almost about twice a week? (7 days) now she calls me. Always around 230 AM and always about the same bullshit. I shut my phone off a few times overnight, but it is my alarm too so that dosent work. I wake up to txts saying she saw me driving and why didnt I go up and talk to her. Shes crazy and I want her to leave me the fuck alone 4 real. I tell her to all the time but she dosent get it.
Cant wait till I get old enough to move the fuck away from all this bullshit.
Thanks for the great piece. After being divorced for 10 years, I finally thought I met the right girl. Things were going fine for about 6 months, and then she started to complain about her emotional needs not being taken care of. I tried to work on my approach, but she distanced herself and finally told me (while I was on a business trip) that it was over. About a week later, she texted me and when met up – something was different – very different. We were supposed to have dinner the very next night, but she ignored my emails and texts the entire day. This from a girl who would text me 15 times each and every day. I knew something more than just “emotional needs” were at play.
Finally she got a hold of me and I forced it out of her. You see my perspective is this (and I’m generalizing here); If you’re not abusive, cheating, going to prison, etc. women RARELY dispose of you. They need to move to another person. I finally got out of her that she was interested in someone else.
This was a short, but intense love I had/have for this girl. We were engaged, we had plans, the whole nine yards. I had learned from my previous experiences and *thought* I did all the right things.
I’m 3 days into no contact, and it’s killing me. But it’s the right thing to do. It took me 6 months to get over my marriage of 12 years (losing 35 pounds and countless hours of sleep). I don’t think it will be this bad – at all, but it still hurts.
It really is about no contact and working on yourself. I worry about not finding someone new, but those things tend to work themselves out over time.
The feeling of lonliness can be devasting, trust me.
Last night at 230AM I get a text from my ex, saying to me that she just listened to what used to be our “song” and is “dumb sad :(” . I replied just with an “O” and tried not to pay attention to her.
This morning, I tell her to shut the fuck up and cut the bullshit with the late night txts because its getting out of hand and pretty annoying. Any advice on what I should do. Change my #? I never contact her, its always the other way around, yet she broke it off with me. Weve been through this three times before, and there will not be a fourth. This time Im DONE
Im seriously thinking about changing my number because this has been going on for months. WTF
I tell her all the time there will never be an us again and we have to stop talking. Not because we want to, but because we HAVE to. Still dosent click in her mind.
She dosent get it I literally think shes mentally fucking slow, God forgive me.
Schools starts on Wednesday, and I hope that takes my mind off of this bullshit until next June =).
I had a relationship with a woman 8 years older than me. I loved her dearly but I wasn’t the man she was looking for. In her breakup conversation she made it clear to me that she didn’t want to have a romantic relationship but she wanted a friendship. I made a huge mistake accepting the “let’s be just friends” status. That simply doesn’t work. For eight months I kept falling in love with her and she kept rejecting me, over and over. My dignity was gone. At one point I couldn’t take more emotional torture and I decided not to see her again. Event though I felt that I was dying inside, I know that I had to move on and not contact her again. As of today, she is still caling me but I will not answer her phone calls and go back to a painful past. Guys, NEVER, EVER stay friends with and ex if you still have romantic feelings for that person, cut off ALL ties and move on, right away, don’t look back It is painful as it can be but it is absolutely necessary for the healing process.
I was with my ex for 15 months and we were eachothers first love. Foolishly, we decided to go to the same college. Within a week she was changing and I could tell she wanted to be single. She wanted to take a break, which I knew was a red flag. She just wanted to hook up with other guys and come back to me when she wanted. We ended it the next day, and I found out she had sex with my friend who lives in my hall two days after we broke up. Despite all the pain she caused me I still felt the urge to talk to her. The most important thing I believe is to delete her number from your phone. You will end up texting your ex if you dont do that. I was able to make excuses to talk to her and not having her number is a good thing. Also, DELETE her facebook. You will just end up snooping on it and being jealous at all the other guys shes talking too. Its only been two weeks since the break up and its gonna take me a lot more time to get over her
Great read. Thanks for the advice. It’s been nearly a year now since my ex left and I’m pretty much over the break up. We were together for 5 years. Each person is different in how well they deal with break ups. Some people have searious abandonment issues and it takes them longer. I tend to obsess about what she’s doing and with who. I found ways to get through it I would like to share.
1. No contact of any kind
2. Good friend or relative to talk to when we get weak
3. Seek professional counceling if you need it
4. Work on yourself (school, hit the gym, play your instrument, get back into something you’re good at)
5. Develope new friendships (especially with women)
6. Join a support group if you think that would help
7. If you’re the spiritual type, practice your faith
8. Focus on your job, work towards a promotion
9. As soon as you can, go out on dates
10. If you want, get a pet
That is my top ten list for getting back to ground zero.
My montra during it all “This too shall pass”
thank you everyone soo much.. you have no idea how much this has helped.. i sent her a text today telling her that we couldnt be friends because it hurts too much. i dont think she is going to reply but i feel much better already as i found the confidence to get it off my chest. i still feel unsecure mentally but you have to take things one step at a time so i now just have to focus on myself. i can relate myself to most problems on here so thank you everyone!
man its true but whatever happens……i cant stop loving her…its been 2 years of our breakup…thers not a single day that i wont have remember her…..
Awesommmmeee piece. Read me like a book. Great advice. :)
After finding the my ex, the once love of my life with a new man, and seeing them, knives in the chest comes to mind, not only did I burn every thing, yes, screw a memory box, i burned all our photos, gave away the clothes she gave me as presents to charity, and changed my phone number, and I still was tempted to give her my new number! but theres no chance she will get it.
I dated my last girfriend for almost three years and we split up in the summer because neither of us were happy.
We stayed friends and i couldnt avoid her if i wanted because she lives in very close proximity to my stomping grounds. Everything was fine between us and i planned on moving into my friends house just a couple houses away until a couple weeks ago while i was at my potential new home i walked outside to find one of my so called best friends kissing my ex. I found out that it happened more than once and he didnt come to me and admit. My ex is from a small town so i think she must just be used to people dating other peoples friends but its different in the big city. I cant look at either of them or go anywhere without being reminded of what happened. I cant cut them out of my life because that would mean losing almost all of my friends. WHAT DO I DO?
Should she be in on the no contact policy if I want her back? That is, did I make a mistake by telling her that I was avoiding her on purpose and that my intent was the pave the way for a reunion [a reunion, by the way, that she says she no longer wants due to my needy/emotional behavior following the breakup]? I think my fixation on the breakup is stressful to her and now she’s just associated me with that stress rather than with the good times we had when the relationship was new. does no contact send the wrong message if you still come off as needy and hung-up?
Hey everyone, i have just recently been through a breakup with my girfriend which she ended. She said she had been feeling distant from me the past two weeks and it doesnt feel right anymore. She was very emotional and said i dont think this feeling is gonna change.
Im obviously confused since the breakup on what went wrong? its only been three days and i told her we shouldnt stay in touch, and she said i will always be here for you.
Need Help on what to do from here
Thanks
* Kristen – at Sunday 15 Mar *
I felt like I was reading a post written by my own self. Hit the nail on the head for me.
This is a fantastic website, and I keep going back to it every few days to remind myself that I need to ‘neutralize’ the power the ex has over me (or rather, the power that _I_ give him).
Echoing one of the earlier posts by another woman, I wanted to reinforce that the post-relationship hell is equally shit for us.
I was dating my ex for 15 months. We weren’t perfect, but I thought we made a good team. He did too, and never suggested otherwise. Then one night, out of the complete blue, he dropped several bombs – he didn’t want kids, he didn’t want to get married… Less than 12 hours later, it was over. I didn’t know what hit me. One day, he had said he loved me. The next, that love was simply… gone.
He said that we should have time apart, but it was unbearable for me. For example, I stopped eating from the distress (physically could not hold the food down) and dropped 10 pounds in the first week (that’s about 10% of my bodyweight). I said that I wanted him back in my life ‘as friends.’ I think he was concerned for my health, so he agreed.
So here we are. ‘Friends.’ And it is doing my head in. I feel the same love for him, mixed with anger and resentment. When I am near him, I want to smile at him the way I used to, to reach over and touch his face or hand. And it kills me to imagine him recoiling if I did. This ‘being friends’ is prolonging the inevitable. That I will one day wake up, and realise that there is no chance. That I’ve been clinging onto a false hope that he will say “I made a mistake” and we will get back together. In his head and heart, he has convinced himself that he has done the right thing. In my head and heart, I have convinced myself that he has done the wrong thing.
I haven’t accepted that it is over. And by being friends, I keep that part of my heart reserved for him. He says he cares for me, but that doesn’t mean he loves me. It will take a long time for that to sink in. Day by day, I hope I get closer to that point of acceptance. And resignation.
Right now, I feel acid throb through my veins when I imagine him with another woman, or ‘getting on with life’ by having a raging good time with friends (many of them female, and whom he openly said he would happily have as ‘friends with benefits’). I should be hearing alarm bells and run screaming for the hills, but love makes all of us fools.
At the same time, I check my email and phone regularly to see if there is a message from him. And when there is, I am either disappointed by the tone of emotional distance in it, or overcome with gratitude for whatever little joy I can get from it. I was a strong and independent woman before I met this man, and now it’s embarrassing to see how I have been reduced to this lovesick girl (we’re both in our mid-30s).
It’s been a month since we broke up. It is still early days, and that is why I cling to the idea of a reconciliation. But the moment I hear that he has another partner, I know that it will shatter me into a million pieces once again. Right now, I cannot forgive or accept anything… but I hope to get there one day.
As for the “No Contact” rule, I have abided by it for the last 3 days. I didn’t reply to a Friday email; and I haven’t sent any emails or text messages. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to. In fact, I am consciously telling myself “Don’t Do It!” and thinking about it all day. It’s pretty torturous. On the other hand, he won’t probably know that I am going through a minute-by-minute hell. It does feel a bit counter-productive, but I see the logic in it. If I can hold off from contacting, then maybe I will realise that my own happiness will not have to depend on hearing his voice or seeing his face.
I don’t know how much longer I can be ‘just friends’ with a man I still love deeply, but who no longer feels the same way about me. I imagine that in the near-future, I will have to admit – both to him and myself – “No more. I can’t do this any longer.” And really mean it. Because if I don’t, I will waste my life and my love on someone who does not deserve what I have to give.
I was with my X for four years and it was the best of my life. However one day she decided she wanted a break out of nowhere and then finally we broke up.
It would’nt have been so bad except from the fact that she was more in love with me than i was with her or so i thought. She used to scare me talking about marriage, moving out and kids when we were only 17.
To be honest i was very immature and i blame alot of the reasons we broke up on myself. I’ve always kind of been my own worst enemy when im feeling down and at the time we broke up i was struggling to find a job.
Anyway i later found out she had a new boyfriend straight away (Nice) and a few months of embarressing attempts to win her back followed from me.
Once i had accpeted it i completely cut her off however as we both live in a small town i seem to always bump into her. We never actually speak because we’re usually a distance apart anyway my question is what does it mean when she gives you that look?
The look that says either “I miss u” or “I still love you” sounds crazy after a year but thats generally how it looks. Apparently her boyfriends a bit of a dickhead and a so called player. But seeing that look in her eyes has really confused me. Does anywayone know what im talking about?
Needless to say i sent her a friendly txt as im pretty much over her saying sorry i didnt say hi and that i knew she was with her boyfriend so i didnt wanna cause hasstle. (He threatened to beat me up in the past so i gave him my home address down the phone and told him to come get me lol) She ignored it.
I bumped into her brother shortly after and he told me that they no longer speak as shes completely changed, almost as if her new boyfriends even changed her from her own family.
Any thoughts?
I usually don’t post on these blogs but could not resist when browsing with a good friend of mine(woman)whom I was giving this same advice and she did not believe others were doing it – and behold! Yes, I AGREE 100% …absolutely no contact – no emails, letters, phone calls, etc…no nothing EVER. You cut that Ex out like cutting out the cancer before it festers and grows again. My Ex wife divorced me 5 yrs ago and my friend told me to invoke the “IRON FIST POLICY.” He said when you walk out that court after the decree is signed that’s the last time you see or hear from her again. I told my Ex in a sit down a few months of our separation that if we divorce there will be no friendship and she was pushing for us to be friends. I told her no. There would be no friends, acquaintances, etc…we will just be nothing and im moving on. She pushed and asked if I would talk to her after 5 yrs or if I got married again. I told her that’s like openoing old healed wounds. The answer was no not ever. Of course she did not believe me and she said well we need to talk because of our daughter. I told her a nanny or grandma would pick her up and drop her off.
It has now been over five yrs(she stopped trying to contact me after a yr) and it has been great. I have no feelings for her now except for the negative when she tries to stop me from seeing my daughter. This is because she cant stand that I dumped her in a way by not letting her be friends with me. She has also re-married and im not to far away myself. So word to the wise – dont have any form of relationship with an Ex, even if you have kids. There will be no drama and/or headaches. IRON FIST all the way….
Nice posts and blogs. Helping me somewhat. What can you do to feel better if you still feel she was the “one” and that you messed it up due to wanting to slow down the relationship, etc.? BTW: she is depressed and on meds and seeing a counselor among other issues. I know I didn’t handle her issues well and we argued quite a bit about things both big and small. Can’t help feeling it’s all my fault though as she finally broke things off for good. We were going out for 2 years and both had broken it off at times only to get back together. We even went to counseling even though we weren’t engaged yet. I started to back off the relationship when things started getting bad and that only made her worse and eventually break up with me as she “didn’t see me making an effort” and that I “didn’t give her what she needed.” Help!
Just when I was making headway following the no-contact rule, the ex emails asking if I want to catch up for coffee. He apparently misses my funny emails. I ignore.
Then last week, he sends another email saying how he’d like to catch up after returning from a holiday because he misses hanging out and misses our chats. I ignore.
This is after having told me, during the breakup, that we had so little in common and that I’m emotionally incapable of understanding him because I can only talk ‘academic’ (I’m a university professor; how dare that shit-head insult me with HIS inability to keep up in conversations).
Utter mind-game bull. To be quite honest, just getting an email from him is distressing.
I’m not sure whether to continue ignoring the emails (what a class act he is), or whether I should just come out plainly and tell him where to go. I’m not one for confrontation… so any advice would be great!
Christina,
Don’t give him the satisfaction of a response. Be strong in the knowledge that he is now contacting you and you can and will ignore him!
-Rocco
Hi Rocco
Thanks for that advice. Frustrating times require strong words and actions!
I’m just a bit concerned that if I give the silent treatment, he will think: “Oh, she’s so juvenile.” I know, I know – I really shouldn’t give a damn about what he thinks. But I want to come out of this mess feeling like I handled it with dignity (and so he doesn’t get the satisfaction of thinking me emotionally stunted and stubborn).
Every time he emails, he plays the “good guy” trying to be friends (ooooh, so glad to see he’s moved on so quickly with his life). And I feel like a right royal asshole for not reciprocating. It’s hard to say “speak to the hand” if he’s lathering on the “I’m a good guy” routine.
I think I need some carefully crafted words to end this “We’re pretending to be friends, but we’re not” charade. Help!
Christina,
So I am clear, did you break up with him, or him with you?
Also, please see my original post above yours and let me know what you think? I am still struggling…
Hi Rocco
He did the breaking up (you know, the “we’re just too different” line). I didn’t even see it coming. Gah. Like a sledgehammer to the skull.
I read your original post. Wow. That’s a tough one. In your situation, I would suggest you let some time pass so that you both can calm down and just have some space to yourselves. Then, when you feel that you are ready to accept that she might, or might not, want to date you again – that is when you request to have a chat with her. You need space and time so that you’re both not volatile emotionally. Use the opportunity to just clear the air. I wouldn’t go into it thinking that it will lead to a reconciliation. This could scare her off.
But I’m no expert on this issue (hell, I wouldn’t be posting here if I was!). The important thing to remember is that when a person takes their love away from you, we cannot force them to give it back. At the end of the day, you are still a complete person. Whatever the outcome.
Good luck with that situation Rocco! And keep busy!
Thanks Christina, sage words indeed. My ex also gave me the “we’re too different line” as well as the killer: “we just don’t get along.” Meanwhile a few months prior or so, we were perfect for each other and on paper, so to speak, we were. So much in common, similar core values, etc. Frustrating to lose that to say the least. And the worst thing is she lives in my town and on my block!! Ugh.
OK, now that I know some more of the story you shouldn’t feel bad at all for not responding to him and to hell with what he thinks of it. If he keeps contacting you and you feel necessary, go ahead and send him a message to the effect that you are glad he is well but not interested in remaining in contact. That’s it; nothing further even if he pushes back. And if he continues to contact you, block his number, e-mail, etc. Good luck and stay strong- no contact.
Just ended a 4 year relationship and I find all the info on this post really helpful…Although half of those 4 years that we shared were long-distance, I find it really hard to forget the things we shared and the memories we have created. But as much as I want to keep our relationship, I’m just going to be constantly hurt and so I refused just even being friends because I can only expect to experience tremendous pain and regrets. I play tennis almost everyday and I find it really annoying that the day after we broke up, I can’t even concentrate on playing! Geeez! WTF??!! I’m devastated right now…but I know I have to experience this in order to move on… =(
Daamm, isnt it possible to just keep a light contact!!!!??
I´ve been in No contact for 3 month now, and i would really like just to say hi there how are you doing, also to show her i´m overcoming the relationship and how much i´ve missed her……..so that can be a first step for maybe a future relationship, if not i would eventualy like to hear about her , it just really messes with my head to think i cant ever know anything more about her life!!!!
Hi people.
my ex GF of 15 months split with me literally overnight. I also got the ‘were to different’ line.
On our first ever date, she was reclusive, withdrawn, aloof, and in ways i even thought she may have been on drugs or even that she wasnt totally sane, but i attributed it to nerves and shyness. Time told that she had suffere3d depression and alcoholism after the split from her first and long term ex, who was heavily abusive, 3 years ago.
Over the following months, I encouraged her to talk openly, I did all the things a man should. Told her she was beautiful, protected her, hugged her, CARED for her. Her confidence improved, our communication improved. we talked about things that would never have been discussed in the beginning.
SHE GREW. I helped her to love herself. Then last week, out of nowhere, she just ended it. our communication wasnt as good as it shouldve been, or rather mine was, but hers wasnt. She apparently wasant happy towards the end, something which i was unaware of due to her aloof nature. I didnt even get the cahnce to try and rectify things.
Shes INFJ and a total emotional idealist. always chasing the dream of the perfect love, never seeing the perfecting in OUR love, only the faults. We defo werent perfect for eachother, we needed to work at it. Thats what i thought a relationship was about. nothing is perfect and nothing worth having comes easily.
We seperated. I agreed to no contact, on the premise that sometime in the future, a month or so, we’d talk and see if we could start agan as friends.
2days in and i cracked (doh i know).anyway in the course of the conversation, it emerged that although she was still upset and in love with me, as well as still angry with me; she had signed up on the 1st dating site she could find, and swapped nude pics with a complete stranger. I was shocked, this was totally out of character for her, she had only 1 serious relationship before me and was a virgin before that. so i reacted badly, called her a cheap slut (again bad move), and during the last week according to a mutual friend, she is still persuing a meeting with the picture guy, with a view to a relationship. the mutual friend doesnt believe its a good course of action for her, and i tried to say the same to her, but obviously i just appeared jealous. I am still maintaining no contact, and i constantly bounce between wanting to see her and talk it all out, and wanting to get over her, gaining some self respect again.
I had a minor revelation, a ‘moment of clarity’ if you will. I helped her. I built her up from a depressed, closed emotional wreck; into a open, more confident (defo more body confident) person. I was suddenly happy. whatever had occurred between us, I HAD HELPED. I HAD MADE SOMEONES LIFE BETTER. I GREW ALSO. all this despite the fact she used her newfound body confidence to woo the 1st man who showed interest, into excahnging sexy pic and calls with her.
However my happy period only lasted til the morning, when i was back to square one.
I desperately need to get over this.
I have enough self worth left to know she doesnt deserve a 2nd chance and that in ways it was the best thing for us, and much as i wnat to be friends in the future, it wont be a near future thing. Ive got hot girls asking me out left right and centre, but all i can see is her.
I need help, before i need a shrink.
Thanks for the article. I have a situation. this is going to be long.
The girl i was with dumped me 3 weeks ago on saturday, but stated she wanted to remain friends. the next day, she went and slept with her ex, and has seen been seeing him since. she stated when we split that “it was me or no one,” and that she was going to work on herself. i just don’t get how people just cant be straight forward with others. she only seems to contact me when she need something, and was otherwise cold and just not even talking to me. let me explain our relationship:
I had known her for 10 years, and used to teach her art. she is younger than me by nearly a decade (she, 22, myself, 31). i was initially hired by her mum to teach her, her mother and i used to work together. when i first met her, i had no idea that a decade later we would be dating. beside the point, i guess… anyways, we remained friends, though not in alot of contact for a few years after she went on to highschool.
after some time, i ran into her again, and it turned out she was dating one of my good friends, and i was very happy for both of them. she introduced me to one of her friends and we hit it off and began dating. about a year of dating the girl she had introduced me to, things fell apart and it cost me a job and a house. in the same week, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. the friend that my art student girl, who always claimed that i was his best friend was nowhere to be found when i reached out for support, but my art student was. she even got into fights with him about his absence in my time of need.
one day, during this rough time, i was actually ready to end my life, and she came to see me to help me do something(i cant remember) but inadvertently saved my life. it was then that i knew i loved her, but i wasn’t going to pursue her because she was with my friend, and i held both friendships in the highest regard, and didn’t want to make her uncomfortable with any show of what i felt.
about a month after that day, i left the state to take care of my mother. during this time, i wasn’t in contact with my art student girl, and just focused on repairing myself and helping my mum. the girl that i had lost the job and house over had been calling and e-mailing me during the first two or three months but i cut her out, and continued to do what i was doing. my mum went through lung surgery to remove the cancerous tissue, and the surgery was a complete success. things had begun to look up, and i felt good. my mum wanted a change in life and so it was decided that we would move the family back to my home state. we did this in febuary, and i was immediately back in contact with my friend and my art student girl.
they had broken up, and so i let my friend move in with us so that he could get space. he began seeing another girl(art student girls best friend) but asked me not to tell his ex, and i was talking to my art student alot, trying to help her feel better about the break up but not letting her know what was going on with my friend other than that he was alright. i felt bad for not telling her, and then one night while hanging out with my art student girl, she reveals to me that she was still occasionally sleeping with the guy. she said that he often told her that he loved her and she was the only one for him. she was hopeful that they would get back together, but she didn’t know about her ex and best friend sleeping together. i felt so bad about not telling her, and afraid to cause her any strife, i kept the secret still.
about 2 weeks after the revelation, it was brought to my attention that my man-friend was talking alot of shit behind my back, and it was over the fact that i was hanging out with the art student girl. i was very pissed off, as not only was he hurting someone i cared deeply for and lying to her, stringing her along, he was living in my house on my dime, rent free and screwing the other girl, and talking shit about me. i wanted to tell the art girl, but didn’t know how.
one night a few days later, art girl and i were hanging out and had made plans to go back to my house to make food and watch movies. my man-frienemy had said he would be out all night, so i had no idea that the next thing would happen. he drops me a text asking when i would be home, knowing i was hanging with art girl. i knew he was at home, and as i was angry at him and tired of him hurting the girl i had since fallen in love with but had said nothing to about it, i just shut my phone. i could have told her that i’d rather go somewhere else, but instead, i figured that it was the right time for art girl to find out and for man-frienemy to move out.
when we got home, it became chaos very quickly, and in the end of it, she had written him off, i kicked him out, the best friend dumped him.. and art girl was falling apart…
he would have to move back in to the house where they had lived, and as he was best friends with the owner, he had priority. she had no where to go and i offered her my couch and friendship so that she would be ok. i kept my feelings for her at bay, and talked to her all the time, trying to ease her pain.
as the weeks went by, i helped her to find her self confidence again, helped her get back on track in community college and to see that there was life after being hurt so bad. i was there for her every moment, as were my mother and her husband. we didn’t charge her rent, and only asked that she occasionally chip in on the food bill, $50 dollars her and there when she had it, just to make sure she could save money. life was good, and though there was no romance between us, i was happy in just showing her that she was loved and important and worthwhile as a friend.
st. patty’s day comes around and we hit a karaoke bar. we had a blast, and were side by side all night long. she looked beautiful, she had dressed up in a black pleated skirt and corset, added green ribbons to her hair and i took green eyeliner and gold body paint to her face, making a lovely design down one side of her face. to me she looked like a celtic warrior queen, and i fell in complete love right there. we went out and i stayed quiet and when we went home, i could hold my tongue no longer. i knew i would break my silence, and was beyond afraid to. the last girl i was with had drug my heart around, constantly cheating and lying, and i was afraid to put my heart out in the open… then she began kissing me, telling me that i did things to her both mind and body, and that she was happy with being near me all the time. i gave in and told her how i felt, that i loved her more than life its self, that i longed for her and wanted to do anything and everything to make her days beautiful and happy and perfect. we began to get closer and more frantic and began making love. half way through, i sensed a reservation in her, and i stopped and told her we didn’t have to do this if she wasn’t ready, and she broke… she said she wanted to so badly, but she still had alot of pain inside and more than anything didn’t want to be unfair to me by not giving herself completely. so we stopped and i held her all night long.
for a few days, she didn’t say much, but i was still there doing everything i could to keep her calm and level and to help her heal. about 3 or 4 days went by like this, and one morning, she came to me and said she needed to talk. she told me that she cared so deeply for me and that she wanted to see how far her and i could go, but didn’t want to have a label. i told her that i respected how she felt about a label but in my experience, a person who doesn’t want a label wants more to appear single and available than to not feel tied down, and i could not/would not get entangled in a love-relationship in that way. a few more days of light conversation passed and then she asked me to be her boyfriend. i accepted and we began what i believed was all that i ever wanted. we didn’t start making love for about a week, but the first time we did finally, it was beautiful and emotional and full of love. she told me she was falling for me. within a week of that, she told me she loved me, and every day for about 2 months was wonderful. she had said she was over the ex, and she wanted to never speak to him again. she repaired her friendship with the friend he had betrayed her for and life seemed good. we had even went for a walk with her ex and talked and at first he seemed okay, until he said he wanted her and i to stop sleeping together, but we both refused. he called her a cunt and told her he “hoped she was happy with that piece of shit.”
we even had the support of both sets of our parents and all of our friends. i thought there was no way we could fail.
one day, she contacted him and told me about it later. she said that she knew i would say don’t contact him because he isn’t ready, so she only told me after. i was confused, but also hurt and i felt like i couldn’t trust her. that night we had our first disagreement, but we didn’t fight.
for weeks, i felt like i couldn’t trust her and it showed. she also began getting guarded about things, and began fighting with me about trust and that she didn’t want to be questiond. she even told me that her character was above reproach and therefore she would not accept being questioned at all. this only made me more suspicious. but i tried to question less.
one night, she told me she’d be home by 12. 1a.m. rolls around and i called and asked why she was late. she was with the girl that her ex had slept with and said she was just lost in conversation, but came home shortly after.
a little more time went by and she told me that she was feeling hurt because we had been fighting and i didn’t trust and that something inside felt broken. i told her it was hard for me to trust, but i would continue working on it and would try to not fight with her over it. she said she believed we could work it out if that was the case, and i had hope that we would. she had begun pulling away but she seemed to want to get closer again.
3 days later, she breaks up with me, and says she wanted to be friends…. she went out the next day telling me she was going to hang out with her friend that had slept with the ex, and i trusted her and believed she needed some time. she said she would still like to live here for a while, and we agreed that she and i would both not see anyone while she lived here still. when she left, i had an horrible feeling.
she didn’t come home and at bout 3 am, a friend of mine calls and asked me to take a ride with him to show me something, not knowing art girl and i had split. we roll by her old house, and both art girls and the douche-bag ex’s cars are there, and i knew… i called her, but no answer. i called again in the morning, and when she answered, i told her what i saw. she confessed to sleeping with him and i told her that she needed to come talk to me right then. after a long argument, she complied. when we talked, i tried to keep level, and she just acted like she didn’t care that she had replaced me in less than 24 hours. she told me when i asked why that it “got her close to who she wanted to be close to and that she loved him and didn’t love me, but as far as a relationship, that it was me and her or no one and that she was going to work on herself.” i had my doubts. she also said when asked that if i had not found out, she would never have told me.
we’ve only talked a few times, and one night we had an explosive argument because she was going to come get her things, but then didn’t. when she came to get her things, she acted friendly and i thought that a friendship would work, but we talked again just last week and i asked if they were official yet, and she said “eh.. it’s up in the air.” she was supposed to go on vacation this week to see her mother in another state. she had left a digital camera by accident and asked to come get it. i agreed. we talked a little and she told me that she was going to see him for a few days before going to see her mother… i’d been breaking every day but now i was dying inside. i kept my cool til she left, told her that i loved her but didn’t agree with her decision. she didn’t seem to care how i felt at all.
the night before last, she posted on her facebook that she “got there and was spending time with the man she loves.” i saw this in my feed and instead of going off, i wrote her a short message asking her to not post for a while thing about him and her, as it still hurt me. she deletes me from facebook. when i messaged and asked why, she told me that she wasn’t going to censor herself for me, yet it’s not that she doesn’t care… she said it was easier this way and that her and i will never get back together and she is sure he will never be hurt by him again.
so, in response, i instituted a no contact rule with a polite email, and temporarily deactivated my facebook… the email was this:
“hi,
i agree with you about the decision to break up, i really believe it was the best thing for both of us. i have some big decisions to make and i need some time to think them over. though i would like to maintain an active friendship, i would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time. i extend my apologies for offending you earlier. i will be in touch when I am ready.”
today is my second day of no contact, my facebook remains down and there is no reply in my email and she hasn’t called. i do still miss her but i took any power away that she has. i don’t know exactly what this will bring, whether we will even be friends, i don’t know. i hurt inside alot, and have even developed symptoms of anxiety: numbness in my arms, a tightness in my wind pipe and forgetfulness involving tasks that i’m doing. i didn’t cry yesterday or today, and was finally so exausted last night that i slept 7 hours. that is twice what i have been sleeping these past 3 weeks.
i don’t know if she ever cared, and i don’t know why she wanted to stay friends when she never talks to me except to rub it in or to get something she needs. but i know that by turning the tables she has no more control on me and i can begin to heal.
the point of “no contact” is this… it forces you and the other to take stock and see what you need to work on and if it is worth it for either one of you to find out and make the changes needed to make that a possibility. i say possibility because sometimes, even if you want to make those changes, simply by making them, you may find that the change was needed but the person is not. distance is the only way to heal, and i’m just learning that now.
for anyone who thinks that this will work as a mind game, it might or might not. that isn’t the point. if you think about it, you instead get closure either way, whether they call again or not. at least you will know where you stand, if you are important enough to at least be considered a friend or not. i’ve found that most times, when a girl asks you to be a friend, it is because she either values you, isn’t ready to fully let go, or enjoys the self-esteem boost of you chasing after her.
by doing “no contact” you flip the script on her, and deny her closure all the while, letting her actions present closure to you. it will hurt, but if you stand your ground, there is atleast the benefit of not compromising yourself. dignity is a must for a human being and until i finally got sick of it, i had been giving up my dignity by sending those letters of love with half assed best wishes, by begging her to reconsider and by trying to “be the good friend.” you have to find some venom in you to do no contact, so if they hurt you, either by cheating or by replacing you or using you or what ever, remember that. later on, you will find the only true way to forgive is to forget, but not right now. not while you hurt and need closure. forgiveness is a must, but there’s no time-line for it… do it when YOU are ready, not when they want it. this is all i’ve got, so i hope it strikes a chord for someone. thanks for the article, it helps me to know that i am not alone and that there are people who want me to and everyone else to return to a happy and healthy life.
-mcG
ok so i had my first girlfriend and we broke up.she sayed lets be friends so like an idiot i sayed ok. then i releaze that she just broke my heart so i decided to deleted all contact with her.but now she texting my best friend saying how im a asshole for deleting her and how hes an asshole to for deleting her.then she says im not acting my age…im acting like a 8 year old when actually im a 18year old.im mean sure i feel bad about deleting her even though we can be friend but the pain was to much.i dont understand why she just cant move on like i am. it only been 2 days and im ready to look for a new girlfriend.she also says im a pussy and have no balls just because i tried acting nice in front of her.
Okay here is my deal, I met my ex over facebook, we both felt the instant connection, we ended up meeting two weeks later ( considering she lives really close and right beside my good bud) we only dated for two months, it’s was really good for the first month, but then slowly she started to get distant with me, I had realised it but it didnt really get to me at first, so i kept saying i love her and all those little things, she also works all the time and i mean she works with her parents all the time, they control her somewhat.. Which made us seeing each other a rare deal, and i always tried to get a few minutes in between the busy scheduals to see her, at some point she would stop texting me ad she hardly picked up my callsl. So bottom line she dumped me over a text message saying, i realised that i am pushing u away an that it would be better for her to be just friends.. I want to try to get back with her, would it be worth the while, doing the no contact with her, is 2 months even enough time for a girl to have as much love towards a guy thats giving so much?
hey jamie…lissen i just had a recent break up wid the girl i was dating for 5 yrs..she jst ended it really bad..she 2 timed me with smone else..after 5 yrs of goin out i still cant believe she did dis to me..and we were like the closest frends..we knew everythin bout each oda..our families loved us both..so then i dnt know why did she do dis??…she also told me dat she loved me wen she was 2timing me..i dnt knw whether dat was the truth or wot..its been 1 mnth since our break up and i still cant get over her..i cry my ass off everyday…i stopped eating and drinkin and every possible thing i used to do..i just keep gettin her in my mind dreams everywher…no matter wherev i go her memories are always wid me..i tried burning all her stuff..but dat dint help at all…i feel like shit wen im tryi to get physical wid smone else..y do i feel dat guilt…wen shes already gone..she was my best frend but now she has become smone who i feel i neva knew only..its like shes possesd by smthin else..shes jst not the person i loved..or knew…how do i help myself..please help me…
hey guys i need an opinion… i just broke up with my girlfriend of 2 months. the reason we did is because we jumped into the relationship 3 days after she broke up with her boyfriend. she told me that the whole time we were going out that she thought of her ex all the time and then i strted to get pissed at her for that so i didnt talk to her for the rest of the day… then the next day i asked if she really loved me nd what really made her deside to break up with me nd go back to her ex.. she said she still likes me and a wedding she went to made her think of her future and just thinking in general whenever i wasnt around…. she said she still wants to be bestfriends (we were before we went out) and idk wether i should just ignore here completely or talk to her….
i still have feeling for her nd i just dont know what to do…latley ive been thinking to just ignore her
I liked your article, and it is all definitely true. However, I am having a different issue with my ex girlfriend. We broke up about a week ago and she’s already crushing on some other guy. She got mad at me after day 2 of our break up because I wouldn’t talk to her. I thought she wanted her space so I didn’t call or text her. Then I got mad because I never got a call from her. Now it’s day 3 without contact from her. I’m going crazy, I can’t stop thinking about it. She is out there hooking up with some guy and I just can’t stop putting the thought in my head. We go to the same college together and I can’t help but see her around a couple times a week. Oh and also, the more I try to get over her and the more progress I make, it’s immediately thrown away by me having dreams about her. Every night I’ve had a dream about her and I can’t stop thinking about what she could be doing with this new guy. Can anyone please give me some help? I’m in desperate need to get these dreams out of my head.
Hey,
amazing.. truly.. i’ll follow it word by word.. i am seriously going to.. i will get back to you as soon as i feel a little less miserable..
had a 3 year relationship, broke up 3 months back… still can’t help feel miserable.. after being dumped she said the usual
“we can be best friend”.. and every time i hear her voice.. i go weak
Thanx a lot
Your comments are so true.
I have just been dumped from a 5 year relationship with someone who I loved.
However, she was a control freak and I ended up doing everything for her, all diy, me chasing all the time, me visiting her, and a real one way relationship.
We have split twice before because she was extremely moody and always wanting her own way but again it was me that went back.
I thought I could change her as I am a nice guy but obviously too nice.
The latest about 3 weeks ago was trivia as she was in a mood and just sent me home like a schoolkid(She is a teacher ). I just left and said this is ridiculous but she would not listen. I said I cant be treated like this and need respect no reply.
A week went pass and this weekend was her birthday which she arranged to see her parents.I texted Have a nice birthday no reply.
I then texted her do you really want to end a 5 yr relationship over this silly uncident.Lets go for coffee and sort this out like adults no reply
One week later I sent last text you seem angry with me and you are not replying to my text. Surely after 5 years you can let me know whats up? Can we meet to sort this ouy? No reply So ihave done nothing now and feel I dont need someone who treats me like that after 5 years. She has always been stubborn and immature.
It has been 3 weeks but I am finding it hard but will now try to move on. i deseve better dont you think.
Hey guys! My ex recently broke up with me after a 3 year relationship and it really hit me like a nuclear bomb…I’m really trying not to think about her, I even wrote myself some rules on a sheet of paper as a constant reminder of what not to do. For me the no contact rule is really hard to cope with because she is also in the same group I am in college for another year at least. I thought of switching groups but that’s just not possibility anymore, I feel really f*cked…
Most assuredley, effective advise that I had already put into action (thank God!). I have a breaking point, and this last gal I was with really did mean so much to me because we had much history together and she was hands down the hottest female I’ve ever sexed up in my 39 years! I couldn’t resolve a dilemma I’ve had for all the many years I’ve known her though, she had nothing to offer me when it came to personality attraction. When it came to sex, she made my mouth water, but she was so inadequate in the bedroom as well. I came to the hurtful conclusion that she had a lustful power over me and I ‘lusted’ after her, I just couldn’t tell her that though, “Jennifer, I lust you” (Ya, that would be the end of that!). For all the painful revelations, the memories of us together really tried to pull me and keep me down when I had to break it off with her. She had been raped and thru a mentally abusive marriage and had d/v him to be with me. With committed adultery, then continued making plans for our wedding. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that our ‘sin’ had doomed our own hopes. I tried to remain her ‘best’ friend, I refused to be an ordinary friend like she had so many of (which were all composed of ex’s she had been sexed up by). What hurt me badly is when she confessed that she didn’t consider me her best friend anymore! I told her that best friends and loving someone just don’t vanish overnight! This was the end, she was emotionally immature and detached, the only real solution is to have NO CONTACT, for as long as it takes!
I met my girlfriend at University 4 years ago and we had been together since until about a week ago when it all ended suddenly. Over the 3 years at Uni we had a great time together, she was quite naive but such a nice and loving person to be around – I believe she came out of her shell and leant alot during this time as her parents especially her dad was very protective over her etc. We broke up a couple of times but the first I basically persuaded her to keep the relationship going to which she did. This was fine for another year until during our final exams she broke it off again. I was devastated being in the middle of everything (dissertation/exams) – i didn’t want to get out of bed etc (i was basically an emotional wreck and it was bad). 3 Weeks after this second split she emailed me one day asking if I wanted to go watch a film or something (to which I ignored for a couple of days and then obviously replied!) Once again we got back together and things were really good, – we finished uni and went to Australia where we worked in Melbourne for 4 months, drove through the outback, saw everything together. We went onto Thailand, Singapore, Cambodia, Vietnam and so on it was the experience of a lifetime and I shared all of that with her. We got back in June this year, she went back to Cambridge and I to Worcester, this is where things started to go bad. We visited each other in-between working every two weeks and everything was great (minus the distance). We recently had been looking at flats around here where i live and she seemed really excited about the whole thing texting me on her way home about it all (she even told her dad she was moving out and all of her friends in Cambridge) – we planned to get somewhere this JAN 2011. I should have also mentioned that we lived together for a while at uni and while away in Oz. This was 2 weeks ago. A week later she went quiet (as she does when something is clearly wrong). Not being there the only way to contact is the phone. After many attempts to find out what was wrong and receiving half hearted texts and conversations out of her she finally explained she was having second thoughts about moving in together and me! I was shocked, after everything we had been through and seen together. She then explained that when we are together everything is really great, but when we are apart i seem to miss her much more than she misses me. I responded angrily as she did this to me a year ago and I thought we were past all this. I said mabye we should just end it then stating that i was sick of being messed around – one minute she is hot the next cold. The next day I called her to talk to which her response was basically the same. I have cut contact completely, its only been a week, facebook deleted her – everything. This girl was my life, I think she is a real headcase. I feel all your pain
Hi guys, first of all great post, i hope it will help me with my feelings. Here is my story and i know its a little screwd up.
I’ve been on and off with a girl for the past 5 years, first we dated for 6 months and i broke it off cause i didnt think it can lead to anything serious and didnt want to lead her on. She was devistated because everything was perfect and so was I, but we both got through it. A few month later we decided to get back together as friends with benefits until one of us would find someone to date and then it would be over, we agreed to be totally honest with eachother. A couple of weeks later i found out that she started seeing someone without telling me and i cought her. So i became furious and told her to go screw herself. Then she convinced me to get back together again and promised that she will never lie to me again. The problem is that i loved her so much i took her back. After that i was never the same cause the trust wasnt there. The more time we spent together the more we loved eachother, i even had second thoughts about her not being the one for me, as soon as that happend she lied again and again and its been like that for 3 years on and off cause of her lies. And its not like she lied straight out, she would just not tell me that she is talking to guys and even sometimes seeing them. The problem is that no one knew of our relationship because we were always hiding it, so her friends and family tried to set her up or give her number to guys and she never told me until i would find out myself somehow. So at that point i started to date someone (my current gf who im living with now) and told her honestly when it happend and told her we shouldnt see eachother intimatly anymore. But soon enough i was in a relationship and we still fooled around because we both had strong feeling for eachother and couldnt keep our hands off. So it lasted for another 2 years and during that time we always had the same arguments about her not telling me the truth about her personal life. She even signed up for dating sites and went on a lot of dates and even sleep with guys before too soon and never warn me in advance, but as usual i always took her back because i loved her so much even though she swore every time that she will not withhold anything of this nature from me again. Just to be clear i know she really loves me and i love her too, but cant be with someone i cant trust and that always hurts me, the fact that i would love nothing else but to be with her if i could trust her. Our problem was that as soon as i came close to trusting her again I would find out something that she failed to mention, and her excuse was always that I get upset and she is not comfortable telling me cirtain things. So i always replied ” so lets just stop seeing eachother and we’ll see how it goes”. Now its been a total of 5 years of us being together as lovers even though i have a gf who i live with and whom i love and loves me back. So about 2 weeks ago we had a huge fight and just went our seperate ways, we havent talked since and its killing me. I love her also very much but i cant trust her and when we are together i always wonder if there is anything she is not telling me again. So as you see guys i’m stuck in a fucked up situation, where i love my current gf but cant get the other one out of my mind, i constantly check her facebook profile and look at hers pix, i wake up with her on my mind and go to sleep with her on my mind. I cant concentrate at work cause i’m depressed and i know she is seeing some one else now and cant get the thought of that out of my head. I love her very much but i know i cant be with her cause there is no trust. And i cant spend time home alone cause i have a gf of 2 years already. So please dont judge me, i know the situation is really screwed up, but i just cant stop thinking of her cause we been together intimatly for 5 years. And all day i ask myself why things couldnt be different? why couldnt she just be honest with me? Am i feeling this way cause i love her or cause just been attached too long and had always great sex with her?
Please reply i would love to hear your comment. Thanks
I’ve been in an on/off relationship for about a year and a half.
I fell for him in a big way and knew that although he had trust issues that I would ‘make things work’ (prior to this relationship, I was seeing an ex for 7 years which ended in a broken engagement).
Anyway, alarm bells should have been ringing when he wouldn’t let me meet his 5 year old daughter (although he would send me pictures updating me of her development), nor was I ever allowed to visit his home, as he had an long-standing agreement with his ex, who is the mother of his daughter (?!?). So in those 18 months of knowing each other I never visited his home and more to the point I didn’t even know where he lived.
Again, I put it down to trust issues, but the truth is things just didn’t make sense, but I was so blinded by those few moments of magic that we shared together.
We had split up on numerous occasions, as alarm bells began to rise in decibel from quietly to blearingly loud. I didn’t know where he lived, never met his daughter and he refused to call me (all of our contact was conducted via email). He never bought me any presents ever. However, I bought him Christmas and birthday presents for him, during our short time together.
But for some reason, I kept fooling myself that he loved me and cared. So we still stayed ‘together’
Last Sunday, I gave him an ultimatum; that he had to allow me into his home. I had to meet his ex so she knew that I wasn’t a psycho nut-job, but really someone who wanted to get to know her daughter. I gave him a week to set the wheels in motion, otherwise I would truly walk away for good; but not surprisingly, he didn’t come through.
This afternoon I sent him the following NC letter by email…
“I do not regret my decision to break up with you, I really believe it was the best thing for both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready.”
He replied…
“U dump me?? And u think I’m going to contact u again when “you are ready”.
It stung like hell, but I simply let it go. I created a new email account for my close friends and family and have set up an auto reply to the old account in which I used to correspond to him from.
So he would have received the automated email response that ‘this email account is no longer in use’.
I feel sad and empty.
I can really see now that he had no intention of making things work out with me and he probably is in the habit of forming these relationships where he remains so emotionally unavailable.
It’s either that, or he still is with the mother of his daughter (something I feared and confronted him with, however he denied it every single time).
So enough is enough. I have to mentally extract myself from this emotional leech and break the habitual belief that he was some one who merely had ‘issues’ and therefore didn’t know how to connect and conduct himself properly, and that I had the love and ability to save him.
The truth is, he was just an uncaring, manipulative individual, who sought and at a point, achieved to make me powerless and believe the he loved me.
I know it’s going to be hard to remain NC, but Alex’s advice and the other posts on here, has made me see that I’m not alone and it can be done.
I deserve better than what I received, and in time I will meet the one who will appreciate all that I have to give.
Excellent article! I can relate a lot. My girl and I broke up a week ago (our monthsary to be exact) then immediately a day after our break up she suddenly has a new boyfriend! I was shocked at this news. She wants us to be friends days after we broke up and she tells me that she wants me to stay, as a friend but I said hell no! then she said that it will hurt her if I leave her alone. She said she wants to watch over me like an angel and wants to know what is happening in my life but I said I want to be alone.
She also said that she loves her boyfriend but that I have a space in her heart and that really confuses me because she is telling me not to expect anything beyond friendship..
I am applying the no contact rule and I hope this works!!! thank you and can somebody/someone give me advice/s for the heart ^_^
I found this webpage and thought to myself “hmmm interesting advice”.
I for one was dumped and often Men (us) like to think that we are horrible people, in my experience it happened to be a personal decision on her part. Some sex after the breakup, we lived together and avoided being in the house after, but it was hard. Spent the summer suspending my liver in liquid, not the best idea. Anyways, I have felt really stable and healthy the last few months or so and have pursued advances in my career. Recently I got a job offer in san fran and am pumped to move.
To give a little backround, I tried to get this girl back, even got on my knees in public once or twice (don’t do this) and probably emberassed myself. But none the less I stopped contact, stopped thinking about her……
Just last week I get a “hey you” message asking me if I’m moving to cali, as the grapevine where I live is tiny when you’ve lived in the community for 5+ years. I of course responded because I have a soft spot for this womyn (never had better sex and friendship then with her), this of course led to hypotheticals like “oh I am busy, or maybe next week?” yeah right, dudes out there, don’t fall for their trickery, I’m telling you, once you think “oh hey they want to catch up and be friends!?!?” they’ll show you who has the “power”.
So, enough ranting, saw her last weekend, she kicked me in the ass to get my attention, I did not let this phase me, then came up behind me rubbing my shoulders asking me to go out and smoke with her, blah blah blah, gladly i had a close friend who was watching this behavior, he kept me safe that evening, thank you friend.
Well now here is me, wondering what the hell was up with the attention getting behavior??? right? well I e-mailed her and she of course said she went about it wrong but never apologized or even acknowledged the behavior, if which I exhibited would probably get the cops called on me.
I just called her and broke the first rule. Feck, I am also not expecting her to call back, although I just left a nice message. I’m telling you fellas either go for it and be shameless about it, or cut it off completely, never respond and cut yourself off from all possibilities of seeing her. NOT WORTH IT, I’m sitting at my desk working overtime kicking myself in the ass for calling her this afternoon. I bet I only boosted her ego……Feck.
Hey guys so heres my situation me and my girlfriend broke up 6 months ago and I waited around for her to take me back because she said she was trying her hardest to get back with me and she would tell her friends she misses me and they would tell me so i actualy believed it but after a while it seemed she wasnt trying but still wanted me in her life and i waited till our 3 year aniversary date and made a promise to myself if she didnt come around i would delete her contact fb phone everything and move on with my life because its not worth waiting so i called her and told her and told her i was done waiting and i feel like shes wasting my time because she isnt trying but a few days after she called me a few times missed calls sayin she missed me and wanted to hang out stuff and kiss but the net day she realized i deleted her and got rly mad and said why did u delete me i was actualy starting to miss u but now idk why i even was…i dont know if shes maniuplating me and just doesnt want me to move on but just keep waiting around or if i screwed up my chance of getin back with heri texted her and told her i had to delete her because i was serious about moving on with my life and i even asked you one last time before new years comes if u wanted to work things out and us aid no so i ha to move on…what do u gys think is she just maniplating and upset i have the power now and shes mad temporaily but inside it hurts her im not gona wait around and she made me wait 6 mths do u guys think this will be the initiative for her to make a move before she loses me? please any input