Why Gifts and Flowers don’t work for Creating Attraction – Only for Amplifying it
Read this before bringing flowers to a first date10 years ago, if someone asked me “should I bring flowers on the first date?” I would have said “yes!” without hesitation. Today I discourage it.
I thought that by giving a woman gifts, and by complimenting her on her looks, I would make her like me.
Oh boy, was I wrong. I just didn’t get it at the time. Date after date, I made the same mistakes over and over again.
I would show up early, waiting for her, and when she finally came, I would be over-excited. I would give her flowers, compliment her all night long, buy her dinner, and in every possible way kiss up to her.
But somehow, the dates didn’t lead very far. If I was lucky all I got was a kiss at the end of the night! It makes me cringe just to think about it…
Now I see very clearly what was wrong. I was a complete and total wuss. Read up on the post Why Bad Boys get all the Hot Women, and Nice Guys don’t even get close for a definition of what that is. I was the nice guy of nice guys.
My biggest problem was that I didn’t understand attraction. The word simply didn’t exist in my dating dictionary.
I had no knowledge of female psychology. I had low self-esteem. The list goes on.
Flowers and gifts
Using the knowledge I have now, I know that I freaked the girls out. It was *too much*. It was *too early*.
And that’s where the gifts and flowers step in.
See, I thought that by giving a woman gifts, she would like me more. She would think that I was generous, sweet, and all these words that I linked to gaining a woman’s love.
But instead, the complete opposite happened. On the outside, she would become happy. She would hug me, smile, and say thanks.
On the inside, she was hugely disappointed. I killed the attraction. All women basically wants to be attracted to you. They want to fall in love. They want to have amazing relationships.
Your job is to let that happen. Don’t give her an excuse for not liking you. (Such as showing you’re a wussy in such a way as bringing her flowers to a first date.)
Look at it this way: All women in the world are attracted to you before you go talk to them. When you start talking, she will try to find all kinds of reasons why you’re not right. If she can’t find any, she’s almost automatically going to “like you”.
Of course there’s more to making a woman like you, but basically you just have to not give her any reasons to not.
Common attraction killers
- Bringing flowers on a first date.
- Killing “the chase” by calling her or texting her too much.
- Complimenting her on her looks before you know her personality. A sincere compliment can be hugely attractive, but only in the right context.
- Being too available. (Thus killing “the chase”).
- Being predictable and boring.
What I mean by “the chase” is that a woman wants to chase you. She highly enjoys it, but you have to let her do it. Don’t ever stand in the way of letting a woman chase you.
It’s often called “Two steps forward, one step back“, and it’s one of the most important things you must learn to have great success with women.
Going two steps forward, and one step back shows that you understand female psychology. It shows that you are pre-selected. It shows that you are confident. It shows all the right things in the right way. It’s a little like Cocky and Funny.
So what I want you to do now is to reflect on your last three dates. What went wrong, and why? Don’t get all sad about it, see it as a learning experience.
If you can, get back to me with your results, and we can talk about how to fix it before your next date.
In one of the following posts, I want to talk about amplifying attraction, which is amazingly effective if done right.
That wraps it up for today. Show some love in the comments. Feedback and Discussion are HIGHLY encouraged; it’s what makes this blog alive! :)
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Take care guys!
Your friend,
Alex Kay.
Image by freshballs.
I disagree that buying flowers for the first date kills the attraction. It’s not what you do, its who is doing it and for what reason.
Generally guys who do that stuff do it to get the girl to like them. The action isn’t needy its that most of the guys who do it are needy so the two get linked together.
I can do any of the above and have it amplify the attraction because Im not needy or attached to the girl. I compliment women all the time on their looks and they love it because I’m not looking for anything from them-there is no hidden agenda in the compliment, just appreciation.
OMG, I totally agree. I was going to write an article about this on my site, but it looks like you have things covered here.
The thing about buying women a bunch of crap is that if she likes you, she’ll like you less if you ever stop buying her stuff, and if she doesn’t like you, you wasted your money. In both situations, it’s costing you money, and it sucks. If you can’t get a girl to like you without buying her anything, you’re basically telling girls that you’re not worthy unless you buy them stuff. Just bad logic.
Every guy needs to read and understand this article.
Alex, so true. I definitely see where you’re coming from!
But even though you do it as “appreciation”, I would say that it’s still *too much* for the kind of first date I go on (and advice guys here to do).
On top of that, I don’t want to “invest” so much time and energy (and money) on a girl I haven’t even had a cup of coffee with yet.
But if it works for you, well, that’s amazing :)
Soo,
lol! Sorry to steal your ideas…
Good point, and thanks for the words!
Something tells me this site isn’t “player 101” but the advice could easily be abused and misused as such.
W/ that, the key to it is to use them with authenticity! If a man isn’t doing it because he genuinely wants to do something sweet for the girl, then it’s just empty cliche romance tactics.
Really great article. Killing the chase can be quite the issue and I feel that nowadays, people kill the chase all the time, since their on their phones texting all the time. I’d rather not text and not kill the chase as you mentioned.
Nicole, yes, authenticity is important!
haha.. this site surely aren’t a “player 101” site. That has never been the purpose, anyway!
Thanks for your comment :)
Zack, thanks!
Yes, I think that truly the cell phones have created a whole new dating scene. Nowadays you can easily set up a date with just a few messages. It’s such a low commitment since it takes no energy.
lol I am sitting here getting all nostalgic… :)
Cell phones are of course great, but they have taken away some of that “mysteriousness” about the first call, setting up the date etc.
Good points, there are ways to do it right, but it is very difficult. Best not to. You probably know what “selling too hard” means. If the props are that good, there must be something wrong with the product. At least the product (the guy) itself thinks there’s something wrong with him, and that is off-putting to say the least… Also what it suggests is that the flower isn’t for ME, it’s for A GIRL. ANY girl that would have taken the time to go on a date with him. Any girl with self respect would find that offensive. Overly confident (narcissistic one) would think it’s just for her, but trust me when I say you don’t want to attract them in the first place.
Sebastyne,
Yeah. Overly confident girls usually have huuuge emotional baggages. They’re tough territory!
And yes, weighting up with flowers (or any type of gift) can be a pretty bad sign that a guy thinks he has some kind of thing he has to cover over.
Thanks for your comment :)
stealing is fun lol. Who’s original these days anyway?
Agreed on investing money and time on someone you just met without even qualifying them. They feel like they don’t have an abundance and need to make sure the date goes right and get her to like them.
I was just mentioning that you could do those things and be fine as long as you drop the neediness.
Guys go overboard on girls they just met because they make it a HUGE deal. They are very attached and get all amped up about a girl they just met. They really haven’t qualified to see if she is someone who they really want to spend time with.
The article is a great step for guys on their way to dropping neediness but definitely not the last step.
The next step is to just drop the neediness and insecurity completely and have the freedom to do whatever you want to do and not worry about if you are chasing too much.
Not many! Feels like anything that has been said that’s worth saying has already been said. It just hasn’t reached all people yet…
I see, that’s also the way I understood it.
Not proper qualifying a girl at first can often lead to a lot of bad feelings. You take away your own responsibility and place it on “luck” alone.
Yeah. “End game” is hard to get to, but when you’re there, everything becomes so much easier. Suddenly you don’t even really have to think about what to say or do. You just do it.
Thanks for the compliments and the great comments Alex :)
You’re totally right on this. Flowers on the first is a bad idea not only because she thinks it’s overboard, but it really is. I think alot of guys need to realize that you buy flowers to show them you actually like them, but you can’t do that before you know them, otherwise the girl will smell a rat and know that you’re into her looks more than her. I dunno, I feel like sometimes girls might think flowers on the first date can mean, “I don’t know you yet, but who cares, you’re hot”.
Jason, Agreed.
Not much more to say… Flowers on the first date is (for most cases) really to go overboard with things.
i went on my first date yesterday. Just paying for everything is a good feeling.
The feeling of having a girl fall in love with you is even better. I promise.
Anyway, what works for you…
would you suggest anything for the second date Alex?
If she is enough into you, you don’t need any “dates” more than the first one.
I would invite her over..
But if that’s not an option, you need to think about where you stand with her.
Did you kiss? Hold hands?
Hug? Nothing at all?
How is the vibe between you?
take care.
I’m starting this comment before I read the whole post just to say HEY HEY HEY! I would like flowers, being complimented all night, and all that jazz! Why not?!
But then again, I wouldn’t date someone I didn’t have that initial je ne se quoi with to begin with. Been there, done that, tried again – not working for me.
Ok back to your post.
_________________________
Well damn Alex – while you’re at it why dont you start a JKTC Online dating service so you could pair me up with someone who reads your advice?
I’m kidding.
I see where you’re coming from – some guys are just overkill. But then again its never overkill to me when I really really like the person
*thinks about it*
which happens after The Chase. Ok I see your point.
I still want flowers though :-P but thats just me. I’m cool with being a girly girl from time to time! lol
JEMi,
Because you would at last get bored of it! Comments and compliments from the heart can be the sweetest thing in the world, but it’s just not suitable for a first date.
Otherwise it’s one of those situations where everything just seems to go into a higher realm, where of course you shouldn’t listen to any advice, just follow the natural flow. But this is very uncommon.
Really? Not date a guy you’re not already into? Fair enough… You may lose some good guys this way though.
I would love to start a dating service! Lol!
Always great to hear things from your point of view.
Take care!
Alex
You know – I’ve never ever had one good experience where I went on a date with a guy that I didn’t already think “hmm, what a cool person.. we should hang out.”
What I meant was I would usually learn about them – for instance – getting to know them at school or through conversations etc..
I can entertain you with horror stories with the people I would go out with to get to know. It would make for some hilarious copy. *smile* Nice people though .. I’m sure..
And yes – first date is not the time to lay it on thick. That can even be a little scary from some guys .. trust me
*squirms*
lol thanks for the reply Alex!
Ah I see JEMi! That’s great. Of course you would have to atleast know the guy through conversation at first… Sorry, I guess I was a little too quick before.
And entertainment is always of high value… You’re very welcome to share a story or two if you’d like :)
Alex
This post is really cool…its absolutely cool. Thanks for the tips :)
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need a help. there,s this guy i just like,got a galfriend, working in my office but chasing me seriously what shld i do.
Hey guys,
i need some help.
Would buying flowers for my girlfriend of one year kill the attraction?
thanks,
Tom
I disagree! It depends what kind of woman you´re looking for. I think flowers are so romantic.But the man can´t say “I love you” so early because the woman can think he is a liar or maybe impulsive.
Holy shit! You totally stole this from David DeAngelo