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Why Confidence Can Not Be Faked, and What to Do About It

How to become confident How to become confident

Confidence is a strange thing. Some people seem to have it, and some do not. In one moment, you can feel like the most confident man on the planet; in the next, you can feel so low that you don’t even want to get out of bed the next morning.

But why? What is this confidence, and why does it have such a huge impact on our lives? How can we use it to our advantage? These are some of the questions that I will be answering with my next 1000 words. Read on.

Over the years, I have heard hundreds of definitions on what confidence really is, but I do not think that any of them really gets it. Let me explain.

Lots of definitions talk about confidence as a tangible object; as something that can be “achieved”.

I do not think that confidence is measurable. I think that just like love, or hope, confidence just is what it is. It can be explained in a thousand ways, but you won’t ever know what it is before you have experienced it first hand.

I know that all of you have felt confident on many occasions in your life. Think back, when was the last time?

Most likely, it was after an achievement of something. It didn’t even have to be you – it could just be that your favourite football team won an important match.

Just like love or hope, you are always going to have some confidence. Sometimes, it can just be hard to find it. Or even worse: hard to find when you actually need it!

How to have confidence

Trust yourself and other people will too

But what is confidence good for, anyway? The word confidence comes from Latin and means “to put one’s trust in someone”, and in this case, it’s yourself. So it’s all about trusting yourself. And here comes the interesting part: people can not trust you, if you do not trust yourself!

So in other words, you got to be confident for people to really trust you. In normal every day settings like going shopping, talking over the phone or doing business, confidence is usually not alpha-omega to “close the deal” and having people trust your word. The interaction is so short that the people you interact with won’t get to know you anyway.

But when it comes to girls…

Confidence means everything

For a girl to really fall in love with you, she has to trust that you will be able catch her! See where this is going?

A girl can not surrender to you if you don’t rest in your own presence. And that’s actually what I think confidence, real confidence, is all about. Resting in your own presence.

Sure, confidence can be faked. But you will know that it’s not real. In the end, you can not fool yourself.

Real confidence comes from the inside

I think that for real confidence, you only need these two things:

Honesty and Acceptance.

If I was to give an explanation of confidence and what it does for a man, I would probably say that confidence is knowing that, whatever happens, everything will be allright. Good, even. Confidence will open all the doors necessary for a man to take all the chances he needs to take. Mix this in with knowing yourself, your limits and being honest about it all, and you have a confident man.

The most confident man in the room is usually not the man yelling the loudest; no, he’s the man that listens and makes people listen. His very presence demands respect. A real and confident man will bring the best out in his peers. He does not only trust himself – he also trusts the abilities of others.

Unfortunately, or fortunately if you want to look at it that way, there is no “10 step program to real confidence”. Sure, you can probably find a way to ‘feel’ confident, but remember; feeling confident is not the same thing as ‘being’ confident.

For you to ‘be’ confident, you have to start your quest right now. Yes, in this very moment. It’s actually quite simple, and there’s only one sentence, three words, you need to live by.

what is confidence?

Be your best

No one demands more from you than that. Be your best.

It’s all it takes. Your real confidence will build slowly with the growth, but it’s not the “level” it’s at that matters – the only thing that matters is that you are growing.

A growing man is what we all should aspire to be. Grow every single day (by being the best you can be), and it’s impossible to say where you are tomorrow. Or, actually, not impossible… You are going to be farther down the road, both wiser and better.

If you always strive for your best, growth is inevitable.

This is not to say that you should push yourself all the time – not at all.

This is about getting to know yourself. It’s about getting to know your capabilities and your limits, and nudge ’em in the right direction, day by day.

What to do

First of all, you are going to have to be patient with yourself. These things take time – or at least, I think that they should. Read my article Don’t go too fast with change for an explanation.

To be a better and more confident man tomorrow, you are going to have to behave like you want to be, right now.

So the next time that you are facing a challenge – physical or mental – do your best. Fight it. Hold out. Be strong.

I can’t tell you exactly what to do, only you know that. But do what you think you should have done yesterday – talk to that girl, get that job done, go to the gym, whatever.

Confidence really only comes from doing. I know that it’s boring, but it’s the damn truth. Rome wasn’t built in one day, and neither was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s body.

And once again, take your time. Real growth happens when you’re just outside your comfort zone, so the next time you get a chance, push yourself just a little.

Trust me, that’s how real confidence is built ;-)

Wonderful images by H.Koppdelaney.

Tell me in the comments how you think that real confidence is built. I’m eager to know your opinion!

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20 thoughts on “Why Confidence Can Not Be Faked, and What to Do About It

  1. Bryan

    Excellent stuff Alex!

    Over the past four months I have read your blog over and over to help me get where I want to go in life, and every one of your articles is spot on.

    Thank you.

  2. Brent G


    This is the article I needed to read!!!!

    Thanks Once again!

    Confidence is needed for not just getting girls but also for many other important things in life. Confidence seems to always make the consquence a postive one. Other people should know that.

  3. Alex

    That’s true Brent, confidence plays a huge part in many of life’s acitivites. And of course, you are very welcome :-)

  4. Alex

    I think confidence is built by looking at what you have and not what you don’t have. Being more confident in your only situation. In my case confidence breaks when I compare myself to others, which in turn really puts me down, but the whole point of this is to accept where you are”Resting in your own presence”as you put it; most importantly being secure about it and let it grow from you. From here I believe I can work my way up instead of comparing myself down. That way well I wont have to fake myself :), which in turn will give confidence, that way I’m not so clingy with the girl. Faking =no confidence in you.Acceptance=Confidence will come naturally I think.
    Thanks Alex Kay Wonderful aritcle :)

  5. Alex

    Alex, I think that you have realized something powerful here. I like the way that you have put it. Nice comment!

    I love my audience, you’re all so smart ;-)

    And Fred, thanks for stopping by!

  6. Yavor

    Especially in this age, the fake stuff is easily sniffed out. That’s what they call congruence. It’s a word I learned from the pickup guys. Your message and who you really are have to coincide.

    When I was younger I wondered why I reacted to different situations different ways. Sometimes i was confident, other times I was not too sure of myself.

    I found out the mind was getting confused by the changing status in different situations.

    For example, when I played basketball, I was very confident on the basketball field in my neighborhood, but not so sure of myself on official games and so on.

    In wondered why that was.

    And I found that it came down to knowing what I was capable of. I practiced and perfected my game in my neighborhood, doing jump shots and drills.

    So in neighborhood pickup games I was confident. What I did next was this – on official games I relied on the exact moves and shots I had practiced AND had success in the pickup games.

    So confidence comes to me from successful achievements.

    This comment got a bit confusing, so I will end it here.

    But – thanks for the post, Alex!


  7. Alex

    You’re right Yavor, congruence is seriously important. I like your example from basketball – practice makes perfect as they say… And nah. Your comment is not confusing, it’s good.

    Thanks! Take care :-)

  8. Albert | UrbanMonk.Net

    Beautiful stuff! I think you are right when you said honesty and acceptance is the most important things. Nathaniel BRanden widely known as the father of self-esteem, gives an example. Say you are in a social situation, and you feel shy/nervous. The best thing to do, is to be honest and admit you are shy (to yourself). Then accept. Welcome the shyness and you will find that it begins to diminish. Then work your magic ;) Far better than to try and push it away or deny it!

  9. Alex

    Yeah Justin, I guess you could say it like that… But I wouldn’t take suicide bombers as a good example, because the term confidence also covers over the ability to listen to others and not just follow your own path without ever thinking about what others have to say. So no, suicide bombers are actually the opposite of confident, in my opinion.

    And Albert, thanks man. Those two things, honesty and acceptance, will always be at the core of what I teach. I’ll have to read up on that Nathaniel Branden, he seems like a wise man… Thanks for your comment as always and take care my friend!

  10. Alex Strandberg

    First time reading this site in two months and this is such a great article. It’s interesting that I published two articles on confidence over the past week and the ideas are very similar.

    ‘Confidence really only comes from doing.’ It’s not about getting the girls number or the perfect body that counts but the underlying attribute that you will obtain from doing. The greatest gift you will discover, that you never thought you had, is the ability to be strong.

    All of these things, pushing through fears, doing what we desire, moving beyond our comfort zone are a means to end. Foolishly some people believe that the end is women but they are short sighted. The far greater end is discovering this attribute (strength) that lies dormant in all of us, just beyond our fears and our thoughts.

    Strength is something that has always been with us that but unfortunately few will ever see. The pain that comes from growth is far too much to bear, so they just give up and live far below their potential.

    “confidence is knowing that, whatever happens, everything will be allright” A knowing that comes only when you faced difficult and challenging times and come out a stronger person for it. The greatest moments in our lives won’t be ones of joy but of pain.

    In these painful, almost unbearable times you will grow the most. They will lead you to that moment when knowing you can handle anything is no longer an idea but a reality. When that happens your fears will wither away and reveal a confident you, the real you.

  11. Alex

    Very interesting comment, Alex. Thank you.

    You are talking about things here at a very deep level, I like it.

    Not once have you given a bland or unnecessary comment – you add great value to this blog. It’s very much appreciated :-)

  12. Mikey

    I’m bookmarking all your blogs after reading this mate. You said there is no ‘definition’ for confidence….forgive my youthful naivety (i’m 18) but maybe ‘reasonable optimism in all you do’ would be a sensible phrase? This blog really helped me, so thanks a lot.

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  14. Martin

    “If you always strive for your best, growth is inevitable” – that’s so true! Many people want to become more confident, but they don’t want to improve themselves. Well, maybe they’ll become more confident, but by neglecting other areas of life their problems will just pile up. People won’t treat you like a confident person if you’re going to complain how crappy your life is.