Written on Wednesday 9 Jan by Alex Kay
What To Reply If A Woman Asks You If You Love Her
A dating question from a reader:
Today I am going to give Michael some advice on a little “love declaration” issue.
“I’m in this 4-week relationship, and not everything was going smooth. We were eating out, and during chit-chat, she then suddenly asked me: “well do you love me?” We never actually declared our love before, so I was a bit stunned. What is the appropriate response, if you are not totally head over heels yet?”
- Michael.
Well, this is a tough one. As I don’t know your past - how you met, how you behave together, if you have had sex etc. it’s hard to give a concise answer to your problem Michael. But I am going to give it a try.
What do you want?
With your response, you would want to do two things.
First, you would want to not look like a wussy. Example answer: “Yes, I love you so much; I can’t stop thinking about you”. I can almost guarantee you that she would run away screaming.
But you don’t want to come across as exceptionally cocky, and maybe even evil, either. Example answer: “No, why the hell on earth would you think that?” That would just be rude, and equally bad.
So, I guess we have gotten rid of both the answers yes and no. We need something more subtle.
You said that things weren’t going too smooth, and the “Well do you love me” also implies that she is having some doubt about the two of you. At least that’s how it sounds to me. Or maybe she just wants to know if the two of you have a future together.
Two different answers
Again, without knowing you, it’s hard to give a precise “line” to what you should say. But I think that the following would be a pretty good example.
The good boy:
“I don’t really know. I think that our relationship is too new to say that I love you, but I do like hanging out with you, and would just like to see where things are heading”.
This is not a horrible answer. Not at all, but it hands a lot of power into her hands.
If she doesn’t like you, well, you’re probably going to get hurt. But on the other hand, she might reply with something like “I would like to see where things are headed too”, and then you’re good to go!
By the way she asked, this answer might be what she was looking for. It kind of sounds like she needed some validation that you were (or are) more than friends, and that you are ready to “take it to the next level”.
You could also do a “bad boy” approach.
Bad boy:
Say “no” in a very serious tone, with a very serious facial expression backing it up. Then lean over, and kiss her. This may chock her a little, and this is where you pull back, look deeply into her eyes, and say “I hate you”. Still with a very serious tone. She may laugh. She may blush. She may command a “real” answer. She might get mad. But then it’s up to you…
You really need some “cojones” to pull this off, but if you can, I’ll guarantee that things will be going a lot smoother. If done correctly, it will almost knock her off her chair. At least I know that no guy have ever done this to her before.
But maybe most important of all, you need to discover if you really do love her. Because if you don’t, well, problem solved.
Image by nattu
Moral of the story- don’t answer the question. Women don’t want a yes, and they don’t want a no either. Whether they know it or not, they really want to put you on the spot and see how you will react. The bad boy reaction is pure genius.
Hey man!
you’re amazing! I really like your second approach. I think it has some HOT! consequences! ;)
What I find very cool about the second answer is the novelty of the response AND the fact that there’s a sense of humour attached to it.
Though I don’t recommend this, I have heard people say that any time a woman asks you a serious or an illogical or a catch 22 question, you can escape by either being cocky, using your sense of humour and doing something completely unexpected to break her flow. Depending on your situation you could easily do this if you feel like she is just doing it to test you as long as you’re respectful in intention it should work out fine.
If her question was coming from a really genuine, vunerable place of insecurity or hurt then my first question to you would be, ” How did you get a girl to that place so quick?” I rarely see this happen.
In this case, play it by the ear and both of Alex’s responses are spot on, the only recommendation I would add would be that your actions and the way you treat her should make her feel safe because it surprises me how many interpersonal problems that can be solved when we as human beings feel safe.
Hope this makes sense and I hope it serves. Gr8 series Alex definitely one of those foundational pieces that people will come to for years to come.
Jason: I think that you’re right, but who’s to blame? Women needs to test men to see if they’re going to be, well, sex material, or if they’re just another wussy boy.
Mat: Thanks! ;)
Mwangi: Wow! I Had to read it twice to really get your point, but now I do, and I really see where you are coming from. One of the best ways to avoid a question is definately to answer with a question, or as you said, do something unexpected.
And you’re also right about Michael being very quick to “get her to that place”, if that’s the case.
And making her feel safe is very important too, if she’s uncomfortable around you, you really need to work on that.
Thanks a lot for your comment and kind words, much appreciated man.
I love the second one. I wish I would have used it. (Or recieved it, that’s just so awesome!) :) It was too early in our relationship and he kinda trapped me. He said “The people at work love me and I think you do to.” To tell you the truth I kinda zoned out and wasn’t listening… (huge warning sign!) I said “yeah” but I didn’t realize what I was replying to until it was too late.
You can say anything if in fact you aren’t a needy wuss. You could say the first response and she could not lose any attraction or respect for you depending on whether or not you are in fact a wuss.
You can be loving and not lose attraction. The problem is with most guys they are being loving to a girl who doesn’t love herself and deep down hates who she is. This is why she disrepsects any guy who is decent human being to her and loves the “jerk” bc she wants to be treated badly-deep self loathing issues
The question itself is just needy. Most times when people say “I love you” they mean “do you love me?” because they don’t love themselves already and need someone else to validate them.
If you do love the girl, say so. If you dont, then say no. Women might not like honesty but they respect it