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The True Secret To Long Lasting Happiness No Self-Improvement Guru Wants You To Know

Never stop improving yourself - but don't forget where you're at, either Never stop improving yourself - but don't forget where you're at, either

Note from Alex: Hey Guys, this is a guest post from Alex Strandberg over at Inner Game Reframe, and a pretty good one indeed. Read it, and go check his site out! Alex, they’re all yours…

Hello Just Keep The Change readers! Thanks for stopping by, and thank you Alex for lending me some writing space over here. Let’s get down to business, shall we?

This post is basically about how to go about this whole self-improvement thing. It is about some of the same issues as the last post here, so you might want to also check that one out.

Self-improvement is about improvement, and deep down, happiness. Many people set goals, and that’s great. But…

Know your goals and forget them along the way

Far too often we set goals only to end up feeling worse off than we were before. We read an article or a book and get over excited about making critical changes in ourselves but some times we get too excited.

Passion to reach a goal is an amazing thing to have but attachment to the goal is not. When we create attachment to reaching the end point we are met with frustration and anguish.

Attachment to building the perfect body or sleeping with x number of girls makes people very future oriented. It’s never about enjoying the present moment but more about waiting in anticipation for what is to come.

dunk goal

Are you there yet?

It’s similar to when you were a kid going on a long trip to your grand mother’s house. It was unbearable sitting in the back seat and the only words to come out of your mouth were “are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

Future oriented people are never satisfied until they reach their goal. They will never feel happy until they reach the top or achieve what they set out to accomplish.

Over time a future oriented person will become addicted to self improvement. Always trying to improve but never satisfied with themselves.

There will always be things that can be improved

The problem with this is that there will always be things you can improve on. Your life with end with a list of achievements but your mind will still be focused on what you never accomplished.

Being happy and enjoying your life is at the core of self improvement. You aren’t satisfied with your current situation so you set out to do something about it in order to feel happy about yourself and your life.

The key to being happy about your improvement is to look at how far you have come instead of how far you have to go. Focus on the gap between where you are now and who you used to be.

Know your goal but let go of it. Trust yourself enough to know that you will get there when you are ready for it. Never utter the words “but I should be here” or “I should be at this point in my life.” If you were meant to be there than you would already be there.

boat on water

Accept yourself, and delete the word ‘should’ completely!

Should is one of the most detrimental words in your vocabulary to your development. Eliminate that word completely and you will find greater satisfaction in your path.

Replace the phrase “I should” with the phrase “I am where I am.” “I am where I am” will allow greater acceptance of where you are on your journey to improving. It doesn’t mean that you stop growing; it simply means that you accept where you are at in this current moment.

Never lose yourself along the way

Unfortunately many people decide to become someone completely new when they realize they need to make changes. They believe because some parts of them is “damaged” that their entire system is broken and needs to be replaced.

Self improvement should be looked at like a tune-up, not a complete overhaul of who you are. Adjust what you don’t want and keep what you do like.

In order to decide what to keep and what to improve on you need to know what you like about yourself. Underneath the issues, what is it that makes you truly you? What do you love about you?

field goal

Be consistent in your goals

Why did you get into improving yourself with women in the first place? Was it become more confident? Or get a girlfriend? Or sleep with a 1,000 women?

It has been my experience that many men want to learn how to become better with women in order to find a girlfriend. They want to find someone that they get along with well enough to have a relationship with.

Follow your own path

Your dating “guru” of choice might not share the same goals as you but don’t change them just because he doesn’t believes it’s the way to go.

Take what you want to learn from him but don’t become him. Stay true to who you are and adopt some of his teachings that are helpful.

This applies to everyone that you learn from. Often the guru, whether it is fitness or self improvement, believes that his way is the only way to happiness and success. The problem is that everyone is different and has different goals.

Take what works and leave the rest.

Alex Kay here again. Thank you Alex Strandberg for sharing your thoughts! If you want to read more by him, go on and check out his blog: Inner Game Reframe.

Before you go, do share your thoughts on the subject in the comments. Goals? Happiness? Gurus?! I’m looking forward to hearing from you all…

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Image #1, #2, #3 and #4 by ShutterHack, BionicTeaching, ShutterHack and Jaytkendall.

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5 thoughts on “The True Secret To Long Lasting Happiness No Self-Improvement Guru Wants You To Know

  1. Alex Strandberg

    I just wanted to say thanks to Alex for letting post this article. It was inspired by Alex’s post “Change Takes Time – The Game Has More Than One Solution”

    If you have any thoughts, questions, comments post away

  2. Victor

    I’m very disappointed with myself these days and despite the fact that I’m trying to better the situation, I find the progress to be too slow. I’m not working (i’m trying for jobs out of my league perhaps), not working out much either (as I find it hard to stick to schedules), I am starting a course in January for school but still, I think I could be doing better, quicker. I find myself thinking something very close to “are we there yet?”.

    I have a very hard time sticking to goals or even making them as most of the time I think a situation through so much that I grow tired of the idea and don’t even do it in the end. How can I change essentially who I am? I have a very bad case of indecisiveness coupled with procrastination and I think getting rid of that would solve much…

    I’m confident in who I am for the most part, just not so confident in where I am at the moment…
    Thanks for any input and for the article!

  3. Alex

    Hey Victor,

    I feel you man! I think the first thing you need to do is to accept yourself and accept your situation. Really give it all you have – tell yourself that it is OK. But also that you need to do better. And for that, you need a plan a hell of a lot commitment to that plan.

    Personally, I would start with the training part. Do a really simple workout program for just 4 weeks. I can’t talk for for kind of training you like, but I would do something like 2 or 3 weightlifting sessions and a running session each week. Do some intervals while running, and focus on the big movements in the gym. You know, squats, deadlifts, rows, pull-ups etc.

    Start eating healthy foods too. And get at least 8 hours of sleep every night.

    But as these two latest articles talk about, don’t do it too fast. It might work for you, but what is more likely to work is to take it slow. Do a few improvements each week.

    Keep trying to get those “out of reach” jobs. Might pay off, and you have nothing to lose.

    The best way through procrastination is to just do it. Trust me. Start doing whatever should be done, and before you know it, you’re done.

    All the best!

  4. Alex Strandberg

    Hey Victor,

    A couple of frames might help you:

    1. Pick what is most important to you and go fully into it. For example, if you want to get socializing handled make that a priority in your life for the next couple of weeks or months. Focus completely on that in order to get that skill.

    This will allow you to quickly advance in that area or any other area that you choose. You will grow quicker if you put a lot of effort up front rather than trying to spread the time invested over several areas that you want to improve in.

    After you become pretty good with it then you can go back to have a balanced life.

    2. Only do something if you feel motivated

    Only if you feel a strong motivation for something should you do it. Right now I feel very motivated to read. I have 5-10 books on my Christmas list and I will read everyone of them in a short period of time because I feel a strong motivation to do so.

    A few weeks ago I had no motivation to read what so ever. If I tried to force myself to read if I didn’t have the motivation then I would feel very very frustrated.

    So take your cues on what you should be doing by how motivated you are. If you don’t feel it then let it go for now. Maybe a week or a couple of months later that motivation will be very strong and it will become easy to handle it.

    If you are aware of what your “issues” are it’s impossible for you to let it go forever. That drive to take care of it will come back in time. For now just breathe and relax.

    3. Allow your emotions and procrastination to happen

    If you feel depressed and don’t feel like doing anything then don’t. If accept and allow the depressed feelings to happen then they will leave you much quicker. The more you resist the more it will persist.

    People don’t allow themselves to feel depressed because they fear going over the deep end. Trust me, if you read a site like JKTC then you are far too aware to allow yourself to go over the deep end.

    Alex Strandberg

  5. Victor

    Big thanks for the responses guys!
    I will write down a schedule for working out as I think that will help me keep my promises to myself. Most of the time I would make it a mental schedule which would always be changed with some excuse. If I can stay true to myself and my values, then I would imagine I would have much less to be disappointed with as this is one of my issues: I make promises to myself which I rarely keep, and over time this has blossomed into me doing nothing which I plan.

    To Alex Strandberg, you hit it dead on with why I try not to let myself feel down. I fight it hard by forcing myself to go out when I don’t want to in hopes of cheering up, which rarely works, and if it does, it’s only temporary. So I’ll take your advice on letting it happen.

    The good part, i would guess, is that I’m aware of most of my faults, now it’s time to change them :)

    Many thanks for the help. Will let you know how it goes.