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Success Story: Adam Got Over Charlotte and She Can’t Handle It

How Aaron came over his ex girlfriend How Aaron came over his ex girlfriend

Hey guys! A few days ago, I got an email from my friend Adam who in turn recently had been getting an email from his ex-girlfriend, Charlotte. I thought that the email and his response was so good that I wanted you guys to see it.

The email Adam sent me:

“Hi Alex,
I just wanted to show you the following two emails between my exgf and I. After two and a half years together, she dumped me 6 months ago, and emailed me yesterday informing me that she’s now in a new relationship. I hope it may be of some help to some of the guys out there. Sorry it’s so epic – these things rarely aren’t. I might just add that your book helped me muster the strength to get my head and heart in the right place. Thanks bro.”

The email from Charlotte

From: Charlotte XXXXXXXX <XXXXXXXXXX@hotmail.com>
To: Adam XXXXXXXX<adamXXXXXXX@yahoo.com>
Sent: Monday, 30 January 2012 9:25 PM

“Hi Adam,
Over the past few weeks I have been trying to figure out how to bring up something important.  Even in our situation, where there is no anger or resentment, continuing to have emotional and reflective conversations is still difficult and painful.  Hurting you has been very hard for me to bear.  I’m glad that you are back on your feet and doing well, but it does not make this any easier.  I have to tell you that I have started a relationship with someone.  I know we briefly talked before Christmas about what would happen if either of us moved on, but I don’t know what your reaction is going to be. I am sorry that I am doing this via an email, but honestly Adam, I’ve tried to envisage telling you in person but I can’t sit in front of you and hurt your feelings again. After we broke up I was determined to maintain a positive relationship with you because I never wanted you to think that I didn’t care how you felt or that I didn’t care about you.  But chatting on the phone and meeting up without me telling you what’s happening in my life is dishonest and I don’t want to be that person.  If this changes how you feel about remaining in contact with each other, I will understand, but please know that I don’t want to lose contact with you.

Charlotte”

Adam’s response

“To be honest Charlotte, I’m relieved.

I’ve been preparing myself for this for nearly six months, and I feel that now I can finally move on with my life. These past few months have been the hardest I’ve had to endure. Identifying and addressing ones own faults and perceived inadequacies hasn’t been the easiest thing to do. But I feel that I needed to go through all that, and the pain of losing you, to become the person I am now. I’m no longer the sniffling heartbroken insecure boy I was six months ago, but the confident and self-assured man I’ve always wanted to be. The hard work hasn’t stopped, and it never will.

I can understand why you told me this via email, but I’m both angry and hurt that you did. I dont feel like you have extended me the courtesy and respect that I deserved during this break-up, just because you’ve found it difficult to talk about emotional and reflective issues and have been afraid of what my reaction might be. I’m really disappointed in us that this is how we ended up after two and a half years together. Having said that, telling me you’re in a relationship with someone else wouldn’t have been easy. I accept it, I respect you for it, regardless of how you went about doing it. I’m happy for you, even though I feel this person has been around for some time now.

Despite all that’s gone on these past few months, I still have the same feelings, thoughts and desires for you Charlotte. It’s for these reasons I’ve decided not to remain in contact with you. I can’t allow myself to accept second best, which is what you’re asking me to do. To be brutally honest, I dont know how to be your friend after I’ve given you my whole for so long; faulty though it may have been. We might be able to develop a friendship after a good deal of time has passed and we have both moved on emotionally, but I cant see that happening for me in the forseeable future. This means I will not be in contact with your family anymore, and we both have to entertain the possibility that a friendship between us might never happen.

There are other reasons why we cant be friends. I know you care for me and still have feelings for me, but I wont allow myself to linger in the wings while you pursue a relationship with someone else. You might find comfort and emotional security in having me there, but everytime your name pops up on my phone, in my inbox or you ‘like’ or comment on something of mine on Facebook, I get a kick in the teeth as a bitter reminder of everything I’ve lost. I simply refuse to let myself get hurt like that any more. Given all the things we’ve shared and done together, I can understand why you want to be friends. But you cant have it both ways. I also feel you wont be treating your new partner with the dignity and respect they deserve in your new relationship if I were still on the scene.

Im in a much better place now. After ten years of working at it, I finally got my dream job. Im writing pretty much full-time, and now get paid to travel to Europe each year doing what I love the most. I finish my PhD in a little over a year, and am now making great progress towards it, with the promise of a publishing contract at the end. With the new job, I’ve finally got my finances together, and am looking forward to my trip to the States in June/July. I now have a place to live that nobody can take away from me, and the new job has enabled me to start saving for a deposit on my own apartment. Im spending much more quality time with my family and friends, and am making new friends all the time. I’ve dropped a little under 10kgs since August, and I’m the fittest I’ve ever been in my life. I’m not yet ready for a relationship, but I’m casually dating four women who like me for my confidence, success, ambition and bearing. I’m loving my photography again, and am keeping my life in perspective through the work I’m doing with St Vincent de Paul. I will never go back to where I was before.

I’ve certainly learned a great deal about love, life and relationships these past few years with you. I’ve learned how to manage them, how to enjoy them, what to do in the future and what not to do. I wouldn’t have been able to learn those valuable lessons without you.

I would have liked to have had this discussion in person so I could say goodbye the way I wanted to, but I’m not going to make things harder for you than what they already are. I think it’s best we leave it here.

I hope you find the ever-elusive happiness you’ve been searching for for so long Charlotte.

Take care you. And be kind to yourself.”

Almost needless to say, Adam told me in a later email that Charlotte didn’t handle his response too well. He has been getting some abusive phone messages and a demand that he owes her money – which he of course won’t give in to. She’s hurt, angry and confused that he’s able to stand up for himself like this, so it’s a natural reaction.

What do you guys think of the emails? Did he do the right thing? Let me know in the comments and we’ll have a discussion!

Image by Aubry Aragon.

15 thoughts on “Success Story: Adam Got Over Charlotte and She Can’t Handle It

  1. Andy

    Wow, a very articulate reply there from the guy, so good.

    But riddle me this, in break ups similar to this, the guy has feelings, the woman has feelings, but yet she’s most often the one that wants to hold those feelings back and continue on a different path.
    There has to be a deeper psychology to all this!

    Reply
  2. Bowo

    @Andy: I wouldn’t say “deeper”, really.

    Emotions are complex. Having feelings that go one way doesn’t mean you can’t have other, stronger feelings going the other way. (That one sentence probably explains a LOT of things about women. Heh.)

    @Alex:
    I don’t know what actually happened between those two, but from the last paragraphs of your post it seems that quite a lot of things went unsaid. If Charlotte loaned Adam money then he definitely must pay her back. It’s just the right thing to do, man. It’s no longer about being strong or weak.

    Things get tricky if there was no agreement between them (and if Charlotte DID pay for Adam’s expenses).

    I was in that kind of relationship once. Codependent. Girl didn’t get her shit together. There was an agreement, but the girl refuses to pay because “I hurt her”, although she probably hurt me more (emotionally, financially, etc.) with her incompetence, lack of integrity, and her scarcity mentality.

    I’m learning to let it all go (living well is the best revenge! Plus, she realistically doesn’t have any money to pay me, so why bother), but it hasn’t been easy.

    I don’t know exactly what happened between them, but one thing I know for sure: it’s not right to bite the hand that fed you, even if you think it “hurt” you.

    That being said, though, congratulations for getting back up on your feet, Adam! That couldn’t have been easy!

    Reply
  3. stormchaserken

    Its simple, she lost control and is pissed off at it. Thats what bit**es crave for. They want the control. She cant have it and is now bitter. Good for him and tough crap to her.

    Reply
  4. Adam

    Hi guys,

    Thanks for the positive feedback. Its been a rough couple of weeks, but already I feel 110% better after sending her this email. Bowo hit the nail right on the head when he said that there were a lot of things that went unsaid. It took me a while to get the confidence to say the things that I said in that email – and as events unfolded, so did she.

    A bit of a back-end story to the money issue Alex refers to. It involved quite a sum of money for repairs to our car which we said we would split 50/50. She ended up paying for it because the mechanic was close to her work. When we broke up, she told me not to worry about fixing her up, but that changed after this email exchange. It wasn’t so much that I owed her money that was the issue: I objected to the blunt demand for it after she didn’t get her own way and some of the things she called me over the phone.

    I paid her once she apoligised, and we’re meeting up this Wednesday for a civil parting of ways. She’s not taking things so well but that’s not my concern any more. At the end of the day, she deserves to be happy just as much as I do, so I’ll be wishing her the best of luck for the future when I see her in a few days.

    I cannot recommend Alex’s eBook highly enough. If you’re reading this post because you’re going through a similar thing – lash out and get it. You’ll be so much wiser and stronger for it.

    Reply
  5. Nick

    Congrats for moving on and doing do well for yourself. A lot of guy’s give up and take darker paths. It requires a lot of courage to do what you’ve done.

    My only comment is that it doesn’t sound like either of you have truly moved on. She’s messaging you to show off her new boyfriend. And I know you wanted to show her how far you’ve come but it’s rooted in resentment. The whole thing says: “Look what I’ve done and what you missed out on. Now I’m seeing four hot girls!”

    To each their own but I would’ve just kept it simple, told her you were doing better than ever, and wished her good luck. The best response is showing her you’ve really moved on and what she’s doing doesn’t phase you. You’re so awesome and happy that you don’t need to prove to her anything.

    Either way it worked out fine and she’s the one at loss. Good job on everything and continue working on becoming a better man.

    Reply
  6. JCZ

    Adam, this must be the most mature way of dealing with an ex I have witnessed in a long time. I’ll definitely read Alex’ ebook now – I hadn’t done that until now, partly because I don’t have to deal with an ex right now. However, I did have a less than nice experience with a girl recently, and I’ve noticed emotions that are quite similar to the ones you describe. So I guess I can only learn from your story and from Alex’ book.

    Keep up the good work! If everyone would have the patience and maturity to deal with the painful side of love the way you do, a lot of people would be able to lead much happier lives.

    @Nick: what would you define as having moved on? In your book, does that mean that all hurting and painful memories have ceased to exist?

    Cheers,

    JCZ

    Reply
  7. treeman@aol.com

    If you’re mean to them they leave you.
    If you’re nice to them they leave you.
    Just hump ’em and dump ’em.

    Reply
  8. Daniel

    Wow this is great. I can not even comprehend Going about doing this with my ex.
    If she ever contacts me again I will now be ready and have something to base my response off of.

    “Could you just tell me why”

    Reply
  9. Ella

    This response was perfect. I wish I had the ability to write something so thoughtful, and heartfelt as this. It’s absolutely perfect. Good luck Adam. I don’t blame Charlotte for not taking this well. she was probably regretting breaking up with you after this wonderful email. I hate to say it, but I might have reacted the same way as Charlotte. :(

    Reply
  10. Mike

    This is so true, when your ex knows you still want her, she feels powerful and having that taken away can really piss her offf. This is also the way to go if you want your ex back.

    Reply
  11. Adam

    Hi guys,

    I came back to this last week for a bit of reflection. Powerful stuff, and the comments here have been nothing but reassuring.

    I’ve not talked to Charlotte after sending this email, but I bumped into her a about a month ago while I was out on a date with my new girlfriend. A polite hello and that was it, but I could tell she was a little taken back from seeing me with someone else.

    Last Friday I recieved an SMS from her out-of-the-blue, letting me know that she was visiting the museum I work at and she hoped things were going well. I replied by wishing her the same, and left it at that. I hope I did the right thing there, but it was nice to know she still thinks of me.

    My new girl is awesome, and things are fantastic there. I think about Charlotte regularly, and hope she’s just as happy. Letting go has certainly not been easy. I’m glad it was though, because it’s certainly made me a better man.

    Adam.

    Reply
    1. AJ

      Nice work Adam. You really were able to take the high ground. I too have recently found out my ex is dating someone new and it hurts but was expected. I am taking it a day at a time and working toward my goals. Any update on how things are going?

      Reply
  12. Adam

    Hi AJ. Glad to hear my email exchange with Charlotte was helpful in some way.

    I ran into her at a bar on the weekend when I was out with a bunch of mates, which is why I came back to check on this post. It was a claymore-in-the-tree sort of moment. She was there with the guy who I found out last year she left me for – an old flame. I could tell she was really uncomfortable with the situation, so I didn’t make things any more awkward by approaching her. A friend of mine with whom she struck up a conversation later told me that she’s moving to another city to move in with this guy, which I see as a good thing. She’s moving on and is happy, and I’m hoping to drop the perpetual fear of running into her whenever I’m out in public. I’m also seeing someone amazing and hope to move in with her in a few months’ time.

    I have to admit I’m still a little rattled, but it’ll be okay.

    Hang in there man.

    Reply