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“Should I be friends with my ex-girlfriend?” – Answering the Question

Should I remain friends with my ex? Should I remain friends with my ex?

I often get the question: ”Should I be friends with my ex-girlfriend?” and to that, I have two answers. The short one is a blatant ”no”, and the longer one is a ”…maybe”. But it depends.

Read on if you want to know to whom I give each of the answers – and why…

The ”straight NO!” answer

If you aren’t over her at all, being friends with an ex-girlfriend can be very tough. The situation often goes something like this:

It starts with a break-up and evolves into one of you (perhaps you) getting more hurt than she seems to be. She then wants to be or remain friends with you, because she says she misses you and wants to hear how you are doing.

If you then agree, it’s usually because you miss her presence too, and mixing that with not being over her… Well.. It’s just not a good cocktail.

It often ends with you being even more hurt because it simply draws out the whole healing phase by her constantly being available without actually being available at all.

You’ll spend unnecessary energy thinking about when she’ll call or what something she said really meant.

You’ll also usually have a slight hope that in fact she wants to get back together with you.

And that may be the case. Maybe she wants to kiss you or sleep with you again – but it’s very difficult to tell. And if you made the decision to go different directions with a break-up, you did that for a reason stronger than a primal instinct wanting to make babies and you should therefore trust it and STICK WITH IT.

You’ll spend unnecessary energy thinking about when she’ll call or what something she said really meant.

So in short, the answer no is for anybody not COMPLETELY over their ex-girlfriends. If you aren’t sure if you’re completely over her, you most definitely aren’t.

And even if you are, do tread carefully. It can be very difficult to know for sure, so take it slow and be certain that you aren’t lying to yourself in any way.

The answer maybe

This is for anybody who haven’t been talking to their ex in a while and who actually miss hearing about how she is doing and what she has been up to.

The answer maybe is for you if you can think back on your relationship with a slight smirk on your face and with no bad feelings attached to it AT ALL.

I’d say that very few people should find themselves in this category – and especially if the break-up happened during the last 6 to 12 months.

But they exist, and if it’s you, I salute you.

Being friends with an ex-girlfriend can give you a lot of great conversations reminiscing about good old times all while teaching you more about who you were as a boyfriend and who you are as a man.

To strike up the contact, just call her up and invite her for a short walk or a cop of something hot and cozy. Strike up some memories, laugh about it and call it a day.

It’s great if that gives you a good feeling in your stomach or some kind of closure.

So to conclude…

I rarely say that you should be friends with your ex-girlfriend. It usually leads to you being more hurt than necessary and a friendship that won’t last.

But IT IS possible. It all depends on the relationship you were in, the girl and the process you have been through afterwards.

If you feel like you have moved into a new phase of your life BUT still feel like you want to include her presence sporadically, be my guest.

Friendships with ex-girlfriends can teach you a whole lot about who you are as a person and can benefit you greatly… If you are ready for it.

Now I’ll give the word to you. Are you friends with any of your ex’s? Have you tried and failed? Let me know all about it in the comments!

16 thoughts on ““Should I be friends with my ex-girlfriend?” – Answering the Question

  1. angelique

    Hi there honestly I think if you guys were madly inlove and when u guys broke up and took it quite hard I don’t think being friends could me such a good idea cause it could mentaly still hurt you when you see her.
    But if you guys broke up and there is no more feelings than yeah sure go ahead don’t see anything wrong with it just don’t fall in love with her again because if you see her again maybe with her new boyfriend you might get very angry and jelouse and might even do something you regret later on.
    So my hole moral of this story is it depends in the end of the day how you still feel over her .

    Reply
  2. Socialkenny

    Now,as a guy,I really wouldn’t fell comfortable with my GF being friends with her ex.

    Chit chat once in a blue is even a no no.But my GF has a kid with a dude she met before me:so there’s a bit of leverage there.

    Reply
  3. Mark

    Hi Alex! Long time no talk! Congratulations on all your ebook and blog success man!!! :)

    As for me: I’ve dated this girl for six months. The first four months were AWESOME! We talked marriage, the whole thing. THEN here’s what happened:

    I live in NYC, she lives in Georgia, USA. She has no health insurance as she is a model and actress. Anyway, she needed to get her tonsils removed (she’s 35) because she was getting strep throat about once a month. It was an emergency! So I paid for the surgery. Why? Because I truly love her…

    Anyway, she has the surgery, it’s very difficult. We are seperated by distance, she wants to go through this ordeal herslef. So we are apart for about six weeks. I am supportive but it’s hard being away from her for so long while she’s in terrible pain…

    Her ‘friends’ down in Georgia do not like me because they think I will take her away from where she lives, which i would do! LOL So her friends CALL ME (wtf?) to tell me the reason she doesn’t want me down there is because her ex-boyfriend is staying with her. He drives (as a NYer I do not) so he could drive her to doctors, etc.

    !!!!

    We fight, she denies it all….but because of the fighting she wants to break up. Okay fine…

    Fast forward 6 weeks later. We’re still talking every day. I fly down to Atlanta to see her, she shows up! We have a nice night, talk things out, have sex….next morning WHAM! A huge fight, she leaves. This was 3 weeks ago.

    Fast forward to today: she now wants to come to NYC for a visit! She’s supposed to come next Saturday for 4 days….

    BUT she says: “I don’t want a relationship, all the drama…I just want to be finds…”

    But she’s ging to a LOT of effort to get here, just to ‘be friends’….

    So do I let her come? Do i take a shot? There’s much more to the story but these are the basics…

    My friends here tell me to let her go but I wanted to marry this girl so it’s hard. Still, it’s only about six months total that we know each other…

    What to do, what to do…LOL

    Thanks for reading all this folks!! :)

    Reply
  4. Alex

    Hey Mark,

    Good hearing from you again, and thanks for sharing your story!

    This is what I would do: Let her come. This story isn’t over yet. And when she does, be sure to get the truth from her and be sure to be honest yourself about what you think about the whole thing, too.

    It may lead to some crying and even some fighting, but get it all out. Because if you don’t, you will never know what could have happened. At least now you give it a fair shot.

    Alex

    Reply
  5. Mark

    Thanks Alex, your advice is always stellar! :)

    My friends here think she’s conflicted. She has feelings for me, otherwise she wouldn’t come to NYC for a visit. BUT she doesn’t want the “drama” of a relationship! So…..LOL

    I think what will happen is we have a great time, try to talk things out (as you said), then she goes back and maybe needs to live life without me for awhile to help her decide…if she comes back to me she loves me, if not she never really did.

    Talking and texting and still being connected, every day for months, sure FEELS like we’re still together BUT maybe she’s just hanging on, for security reasons and will move on the instant she meets someone she wants to be with. This happens, too.

    So, in the end, we shall see but I dod suspect, when a woman has conflicts like this, that she will need to be the one who works out what she wants. :)

    Thanks again Alex!! – Mark

    Reply
  6. Alex

    Mark,

    I see. I think that you’re absolutely doing the right thing here. It would be interesting to hear how it plays out – so if you have any updates in a few months, be sure to let me know.

    Take care!
    Alex

    Reply
  7. Dave

    Hey Alex,

    I just got off from a recent break up. Its been 3 weeks now, sometimes i don’t know where I’m going. I feel like I’m lost all the time but here’s the thing I don’t feel bad about it probably because we ended things while we still had respect for each other. And yeah we are still friends.

    What I can’t escape though is the constant haunting. The fact that I still love her lingers in my head bouncing back each time I shrug it away. My mind says its over, its done, move on stupid and i understood just the same the heart doesn’t shut up either and counters whatever I set myself into.

    I’m lost Alex. Show me the way..

    Reply
  8. robert

    My girl of two years and I split before the summer started this year, at the time I felt like it was a mutual. I was preparing to leave for the summer for work in Europe and felt like it would be good to get away from the relationship. Now the the summer is over and work has calmed down I find myself missing her like crazy.

    We have managed to stay friendly, she texts me often and is always checking up on me. I have been trying to keep my distance, but am not sure how to proceed. I am not sure if I want her back or I just want to win. I understand by keeping my distance, I will NOT fall into the friend zone, I have no intention of being hurt over and over again. SO what is the right amount of distance to keep from an ex-girlfriend that you still care for? How can I remain interesting to her as a lover instead of a friend?

    Thanks.

    Reply
  9. Mike

    This advice is spot on. It’s great that you gave the maybe answer as well, taking into account there are exceptions to every rule. But I’ve tried to be friends with an ex gf and it bred more pain than was worth it in the end.

    Reply
  10. Eddie

    I really never was interested on the takes one deals with and has with relationships. I thought I would do jus fine jus managing my own relationships but overall I could jus say im foolish. Its always good to have a different prospective and insight on this matter. It opens one to have a better understanding of the situations we face day by day and the desicions we take on a daily day basis.This is something Im relating to at the moment and its been helpful, thanks…

    Reply
  11. Jason

    Hey there I can gladly can say I have been friends with my ex girlfriend for over 3 years now… She got married after 1 year off our break up I was very hurt at first everything seemed meaning less then I decided to hold on to friendship and have done since but is worth anything I don’t know …

    Reply
  12. Killsey

    A Man’s purpose in life is to be the constant. What he must realise is he is enough. Once he realises this, his true power is ignited and he no longer has to justify to anyone.

    As a man you draw from within yourself, that is where our strength is held. Relationships with women are the biggest test of ones self. She will test your congruence and that strength within in order to feel security and the range of feelings she needs to experience in order to be feminine.
    Never justify things (get into arguments), she’s testing your strength. Grab her, hold her close, look her in the eyes, bring her into the moment only then can she let herself go and be taken.

    Women are beautiful and they ultimately want you to succeed in your life endeavours. You are a born leader go into the world confident of who you are with an awareness of that inner strength that comes from within and shows on the outside. You are entitled to what ever you belief you are.
    To those who are in situation with their ex-gf you must remember that she once saw that strength within that you may have let go. It’s not something you have to get back or work to get back it is within you. Ignite it again you will find yourself being unwavering, happy and magnetic. If she come back to you it will only be because you found your true self again. Go forward into the world which is abundant with that confident inner strength ignited.

    All the best

    Reply