You can wake up one day and find yourself in a bad place. Relationships require you to give something, but that doesn’t mean you have to let yourself be run over. A relationship is a partnership and, in the best ones, neither one should be totally “in control”.

And if you realize you don’t have it in you to give like you should, get out immediately. That’s the kindest thing you can do in an unkind situation.

I have noticed that when I am at my most confident, with an attractive girl in front of me, that this is the persona that comes out. At this moment, I have no issue addressing mistakes or annoying habits about a girl, which is something they seem to find attractive. So far, it seems that the attractive girls appreciate this, it’s probably a breath of fresh air compare to guys being nice to them all the time.

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A relationship is a partnership and, in the best ones, neither one should be totally “in control”.
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…That is what I’m looking for right now. :)

You can wake up one day and find yourself in a bad place. Relationships require you to give something, but that doesn’t mean you have to let yourself be run over. A relationship is a partnership and, in the best ones, neither one should be totally “in control”.

And if you realize you don’t have it in you to give like you should, get out immediately. That’s the kindest thing you can do in an unkind situation.

“What main point did you learn from this experience?”

One lesson I learned was to avoid making a commitment in the heat of the moment. We had a great night on Kelli’s 29th birthday and suddenly I was in an engagement I hadn’t thought through. That’s something I regret, because I clearly hadn’t thought through the relationship the way I should have.

I definitely don’t want to paint Kelli as a villain and me as a hero. I made big mistakes and I regret those mistakes hurt Kelli. She was controlling, but there’s no law against that. Her behavior changed, but I think she’s a naturally jealous person and that’s going to make people behave in unattractive ways.

“If Rachel hadn’t been there as a rebound, how would you have taken the engagement being called off?”

I wish I could say I would have had the resolve to fall back into a bad relationship, but I think there’s a much better chance I would have made the same mistake again and tried to reconcile. While it’s not essential to have another woman in the wings to get out of a relationship, I guess it’s nice having options.

I tend to get over relationships okay. I probably would have been a basket case for two months and my friends would have gotten sick of seeing me, then I would have found somebody I liked and moved on. That’s my track record, at least.

In my experience, the first month to six weeks or maybe two months are a little strange, because you’re getting used to a new lifestyle. But then I always rebound. I try to stay active socially and I’ve always enjoyed meeting new people, even when I’m coming out of a breakup. I would recommend anyone coming out of a breakup to stay social. Don’t close yourself off.

“Why did you allow Kelli’s behaviour when it was obvious that she was becoming a burden to your other relationships?”

The mind (or your heart, whatever you want to call it) can play tricks on you at times. It’s easy to think you’re in love and put up with some unpleasantness when you find fulfillment in the relationship. That’s what people are supposed to do, right? Thick and thin, all that stuff. It’s easy to rationalize the bad things, when the good things do something for you.

I guess I was a little naive or charmed by dating a slightly older woman. Looking back, that probably played a role. I had been in several “serious” or semi-serious relationships before, but most of those were in college. I felt like this was the first after-college, real world adult relationship, so my expectations lacked perspective, or seemed to (I realize I was just fooling myself now).

I came from a broken home where I didn’t know my mother the way I would have liked, so maybe having a woman boss me around didn’t seem so bad at first. It was real subtle, too, because Kelli wasn’t like that at first – at least very often. I guess when she got comfortable that she had me, the real Kelli came out. I’m guessing there.

Whatever, at a point, dating someone I saw as a little more worldly and a bit of an authority figure who was introducing me to a new world and was kind of bossy was appealing to me, and then it got old. Novelty wears off, I guess.

Also, I kind of isolated myself in a different relationship, so for a time, I didn’t bring a whole lot of perspective into my life with Kelli. I don’t want to give the impression it was all bad with Kelli. For a long time, the good outweighed the bad, I guess.

“What made you stick around for as long as you did?”

There’s a natural cycle to relationships sometimes. In this case, I think the newness wore off. Kelli’s world was entirely different than what I was used to, so I was drawn into that. As the months went by, it wasn’t as new anymore, and her habits were starting to get old.

In response to: “Where he feels he might have made specific mistakes (one I see right off: choosing to adopt his girlfriend’s life instead of merging hers with the life he already had)”

That’s a great point, Michael. You’ve got to maintain your support system, maintain your bearings. They always tell you to “be yourself”. Trying to reinvent your life too quickly isn’t honest and it isn’t healthy. Your history always catches up to you.

My biggest mistake was taking the relationship to another level. Kelli wanted to and I agreed, so that’s my mistake. I wasn’t ready for engagement and marriage, but I fooled myself into thinking the time was right. It’s so obvious now that I wasn’t ready, but it’s harder to see that in the midst of things.

As they say, I got carried away. That’s my biggest regret from the whole thing, because I wasted her time. I had deep feelings for Kelli (just not deep enough) and, once I was committed, I knew it would hurt her to uncommit (if that’s a word). I never should have committed in the first place because, at that point, there’s no taking it back without a whole lot of hurt.

To your other comment, I don’t think Kelli’s ever posted anything on a website. She would probably see that as a waste of her time, so I don’t expect her to respond. Alex, I’d love to see you make a post from Kelli’s perspective, though I’m afraid I’d get slammed.

And Victor, let me start out by saying: thank you! It’s always a fresh breath of air when someone is brutally honest with you. It’s appreciated, really.

I am not sure at the moment that Rob will stand in to answer the questions, and regarding that, publishing this story maybe wasn’t the smartest move on my part (at least not when taking everybody’s feelings and thoughts into consideration)

This is where the waters are divided. Is it unrealistic and might make someone getting over their ex sad? Yes. But can it also bring some hope? Clearly so, pointing at my man Scott.

Victor I promise you that I will do everything I can to make Rob come over here and reply to a question or three. I have also offered him to chat over the phone with me if it’s easier.

Time will tell.

Once again thanks for the honesty.
Alex

I have some questions I’d like you to answer:
-What main point did you learn from this experience?

-If Rachel hadn’t been there as a rebound, how would you have taken the engagement being called off?

-Why did you allow Kelli’s behaviour when it was obvious that she was becoming a burden to your other relationships?

-What made you stick around for as long as you did?

…Hopefully, with these questions, we gain some better insight.

Thanks for the story man. As a matter of fact, I recently was just dumped by a girl very similar to Kelli. Of course I’m still upset about it but reading stuff like this always gives me hope for my own future. You should definitely keep us updated on your status with Rachel. She sounds like an awesome girl.