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How to Win Back Your Ex-Girlfriend

"How do I get back together with my ex girlfriend?" "How do I get back together with my ex girlfriend?"

A dating question from a reader:

Iestyn wants to win back his ex-girlfriend. She has been starting to get in touch with him again after 5 months, but he’s unsure about how to go about it.

“Hey Alex! I’ve just come across your fantastic blog; all your advice so far has been great! I was wondering if you’ve got any advice for a man who really wants his ex-girlfriend back. We broke up about 5 months ago now, and just recently she’s been getting in touch with me, and I’m not too sure how to handle it, as I don’t want to drive her away again, as I would do anything to have a second chance with her.” Thanks man – Iestyn.

Hey Iestyn, I think what you have here is a very common scenario. Man chases woman, woman flees and woman comes back. Put that on repeat, and I think we’ve got your problem covered.

You need to eliminate one link of the chain. You need to stop “chasing” her. Not meant physically, although it could be, I mean in the way you think about her.

You say that you would “do anything to have a second chance with her”. Why is that?

Don’t be desperate

If you don’t have any choices when it comes to women, it automatically makes you desperate. And I think that this is the real issue. If you had more choices, you wouldn’t worry about your ex-girlfriend from almost half a year ago.

Sure, you would think about her sometimes. Be glad for all the good things you had together. But you would also have moved on with your life, de-attaching yourself.

Ask her out

The way you should handle her getting back in touch should be just like if it was an old friend. Be laidback, you couldn’t care less what she thinks about you! Maybe talk about some good old times, and be genuinely interested in her life.

Set up a “date”, and say that you want to catch up with her. If she’s the one contacting you, I can’t see why she wouldn’t say yes to this.

When on the date, as I always preach, have fun. Lots of fun. Sitting in a restaurant talking about her new job is boring. Going to an amusement park while talking about why Britney Spears cut of all her hair is so much better. Or, well at least you’re not talking about her job.

Since your ex was originally attracted to you, there’s a good chance that you can re-attract her. Just remember what she liked about you when you were together. There’s a good chance that it was because you made her laugh and made her feel good.

Do that again!

The mentality

As I said before, be laidback and confident. You have a new life, and she can be a part of it again. But you don’t need her. Not at all!

If you have this mentality, I can almost guarantee you that she will be crawling back to you.

Few things are less attractive to women than men living their own lives, by their own premises. Keep this in mind.

Good luck Iestyn, and be sure to report back with your results!

Also, I highly encourage you to check out my book called “The Ex-Girlfriend Solution”. It includes everything you ever wanted to know about getting over your ex and moving on with your life. It takes you right from the break-up to your new relationship, and it answers all the questions I get all the time, like “what to do if she wants to be friends”, “how to avoid being distracted by thoughts about her”, “how to fall asleep when I miss her” etc… Read more about it here!

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155 thoughts on “How to Win Back Your Ex-Girlfriend

  1. Sergio

    Mike,

    That plan sounds perfect. Keep the contact to a minimum, be confident and and like you don’t need her (even though you feel like you do). She’ll come crawling back. However, if an oppurtunity arises, you take it. Don’t hold back and don’t put your life on hold during this time. Be yourself and be open to meeting other people during this time. If she calls wanting you back, the ball will be in your court and you’ll have options.

    Reply
  2. michael

    My fiancee of 5 years has a son with me. We broke up about 4 days ago and she moved in with her mom. I was verbally abusive, but I’m not anymore, it was just stupid stuff I did, I took her for granted, and was a real jerk. People change, and I have. I think she is interested in some guy at work, but I know she hasn’t done anything with him, cause I know people who know him. I’m worried she will, and I’ve already made the mistake of saying if she does stuff with this guy, I will never take her back. That was a lie of course, we have a child, 18 months. I’m supposed to see her this tuesday for a “outing” with my son…she’ll be there too…the whole thing was my idea and she went along with it. She says “I’m not in love with you anymore” and things like “I dont know if we will get back together, but at this point I dont think we will”. Shes not playing games, cause she bought me a fathers day present, and she even put grocceries in the fridge to hold me over till payday (we both work part time, i need full time now). I can tell that she DOES want to be my friend…for herself or our son, I’m not sure. I really want her back, and my mind races. I tried to go out, and that works, but once I’m back home in this lonely apartment, my mind plays tricks on me, and I picture her with some guy, I assume the worse. Please give me some advice. I’m going to just focus 100% on my son when we meet, since the break up is fresh, not ask about her private life, or talk about mine, and wait for her to start a conversation. if she doesn’t, I will just focus on my son, and keep it sweet. what you think?

    Reply
  3. Sergio

    Michael,

    I think it’s a good idea that you keep the “outing” simple and just about your son. Don’t ask her anything about her love life or about your relationship with her. Be confident and make the situation pleasant.

    Reply
  4. Mike

    Sergio, even further update on my situation. After a few days of handling things the way I was handling them, she told me that it was very difficult being around me because she could see inside of me how sad I am. She said that she had vowed after the cheating to never hurt me like that again and she can see that she HAS hurt me like that again. She says that she needs “space” to figure out who she is and “reclaim” herself. At first she said that we could have “1 phone call a week and contact via email”. I told her that at this point I thought no contact at all was a better choice. It has now been 48 hours of no contact. I’m going crazy. As I’ve said, she’s my best friend. I’m used to knowing what is going on with her life and being able to tell her the stresses I’m facing in my own life and that’s gone right now. I keep hoping she will call or text. I feel worse now than I did the day she broke up with me. How do you cope with those feelings?

    Reply
  5. Mike

    One other thing…I definitely know she cares. She’s told me several times that she loves me, but that she needs this space right now. I would guess that she will be back, but my own fears are getting the best of me. I’m working out and doing other things but I keep thinking about her.

    Reply
  6. Sergio

    Mike,

    How can she lay down “rules” in regards to contact? That’s ridiculous. I’m telling you from experience, do not text her or call her. Call your buddies instead or someone else. I know it’s hard. TRUST ME!! It’s been four months for me since the break up and I’m doing much better. Why? because I don’t call her. Take it an hour at a time if you have to. Seriously, the best thing to do is spend time with friends and family. Keep busy brother and stay positive.

    Reply
  7. Mike

    Sergio,

    It has been 6 days now of no contact. While I don’t feel any better, I do feel like she is missing me. Someone that knows the both of us says that she has mentioned several times that she is thinking about calling me. I say that I need to stick with the no contact until she contacts me. I have faith that she WILL contact me, but that remains to be seen. Women are stubborn creatures.

    I am going to take your advice and continue to not contact her. Thank you for your advice and your support and understanding.

    Reply
  8. Mike

    Just an update: I miss her alot. I’ve been keeping busy and doing things, but I keep hoping she will call. When does that feeling finally go away?

    Reply
  9. Andy

    Mike

    Goin through the same thing mate. It will get better. Sergio sum’d it up perfectly. Keep your options open. Go out meet new people. When the time is right she will call. Just try not thinking about what she is doing. By not contacting her your emotional behaviour is becoming stronger. Thinking about what she is doing puts you back to square one. Its hard I know. My ex broke up with me 1 month ago. I would love to get her back but I realise the only way I can get her back is showing her I can live my own life. Just rememeber if you meet new people, you will feel better and this will make her realise. Woman do not find guys mopping around after a break up attractive. Youll be fine mate!

    Stick in there

    Reply
  10. Sergio

    Mike,

    I agree with Andy. You have to be mentally strong. To be honest, that feeling will go away when you start meeting new girls. Even if they’re just friends. When you start talking and hanging out with new girls, you will start to feel more confident and then you won’t think so much of her calling you. Keep hanging out with your buddies. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about my ex. It is very hard not to call her but I’ve done it for a while and I’m just used to it. Stay strong..

    Reply
  11. Steve

    Hey guys….

    I’ve been posting on the other page (how to get over…), but I just gotta admit, plain and simple, I want her back. Even after 4.5 months, even after all the embarrassing behavior…I miss her. I love her. And I’m not contacting her. But it is a daily struggle. Still waiting for it to get easier. When????

    Reply
  12. Sergio

    Steve,

    I recognize your name from the other post. I totally know how you feel but you HAVE to be strong. You cannot force anything to happen. I miss my ex everyday but I can’t make her change and I can’t make her “see the light”. There is nothing I can do. If she wants to be with you, she will. Stay strong with the no contact. I had to text my ex yesterday and ask her to not call me anymore (again). It hurt me but I have to take care of myself first. What I don’t know, won’t hurt me. It’s been about five months since my break up and it’s a little easier even though I recently found out she’s talking to someone.

    Reply
  13. Steve

    Hey Sergio….good to see your name over here too.

    Thanks for the words. You are right, and I know it. I have been fairly good at staying strong and not breaking the NC rule. Sometimes it’s really, REALLY tough.

    I have tried so many times to, as you say, “make her see the light”…and it obviously ain’t happening. It’s very difficult to accept.

    Of course there are those times I start to imagine her with someone else, and of course it’s maddening. I have been lucky….she doesn’t have any membership on MySpace or Facebook and I find myself trying to find her online a lot. Thankfully she isn’t there. (Except the one time I found her picture on her friend’s Facebook page and it really upset me just to SEE her. I can’t imagine her calling me or me knowing she’s seeing someone else!!)

    I’ve started on an online dating service, and have been in contact with a few women, but….MY HEART AIN’T IN IT. And I find myself almost wanting to talk about my ex with these women, which of course is ridiculous on my part, and not fair to them.

    I think I just keep wanting to “get over this” and not giving myself the time (who knows how much???) it takes to get thru it.

    I must admit, there are also times I feel pretty good about everything, and I do think of her occasionally and I don’t get all upset. So that’s progress.

    Thanks again, Sergio.

    Reply
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  15. carl

    Hey Alex,

    Good work on having this kind of advice available for people, it is a great service you are doing for many people.

    I write to get your opinion on my situation. I had been seeing a girl for about 18 months when I decided to return to my home country for a few months to sort out some things in my life. She came back with me as a holiday and then returned home a few weeks later. We had been trying to maintain a long distance relationship but it has been too hard for her and she recently broke up with me because she feels she has to sort her own life out without depending on me to go back and make her happy. She is not a person to make a decision lightly and is very forthright. We had an amazing relationship that made both really happy.

    I still love her and see a future with her. The advice you have given is fantastic and well heeded. But since we are on opposite sides of the earth I wonder if i can make the advice you give work for me?

    Reply
  16. Gary

    Alex,
    as reading your blogI’m 39 and was in a realationship for 11 years. Recently we split up. I helped raise 3 girls hers and 1 boy mine. I worked she stayed at home. It’s hard, no it sucks trying to move forward.

    Reply
  17. Amir

    My girlfriend of 16 months just broke up with me the day before she left for a University 1,000 miles away. We had always planned to do the long distance thing, and what makes this breakup so hard is that we both know we still love each other.

    She just said she wasn’t ready for the seriousness our relationship was approaching (she is 18 and i’m 20). She also said that since we had some trust issues she would always wonder if I was going to cheat on her while she was gone. (I had an ongoing issue a girl that was a part of my life for a long time; i cheated with her on my girlfriend once but told my girlfriend as soon as I could. Near the end of the relationship I was also talking about trying an open relationship because I wanted to meet other people but not lose the love we had.(We both agreed it was true love and that if we had met 10 years in the future we would have married) However, as you guys can see, I do understand where I am at fault.

    Her problem was that she always internalized her problems and didn’t communicate well enough. The day before she left and broke up with me she wanted to still be physical and was talking about our long distance relationship, but I started crying profusely and broke down for hours. I think at that point I pushed her away with all the other stress she had going on in her life as she was going to a new college and leaving her old life behind.

    I guess I’m doing my best to move on and understand what parts we both played to reaching this end, but I will continue to hope that at winter break we will get back together. She said there is no chance this semester; so that leaves me with some hope of time after.

    The break up was a week ago and only recently have I realized that by constantly badgering her it will ruin my chances of a future with her. From this point on, I will wait for her to contact me I think.

    Regardless, very great site. It has been very helpful to me.

    Reply
  18. Aaron Burnham

    Heres my predicament. Me and my ex had been going out for 14 and at the beginning of june she said we werent right together anymore. but the whole summer we were kind of in a funny state where we were together but not boyfriend girlfriend.

    Then she went on a missions trip for 11 days and that changed everything. she came back saying we shouldnt be together. she also started hanging out with a lot of other boys. I asked if she had feelings for one of them and she told me not at all.

    About a week later we were taking about it again and she said she kind of liked him. needless to say i felt that i had kind of been forgotten when the whole summer all i had done was try to show her that i would be there for her and i could be a good boyfriend.

    Just today i found out that she made out with him about 3 weeks ago and i dont know what to do. i am still deeply in love with her and i want her back because making her happy made me happy. she says she still loves me she just isnt IN love with me anymore.

    Do i give her space and let her move on and continue to show her that im here for her and i want to try again. or do i start getting over it now. i dont want to give her the impression im just her lap dog that will always be there if there isnt hope. but i also dont want to just abandon her and completely close the door. Please help?

    Reply
  19. Steve

    Dear Alex,

    From what I’ve read here, you seem like a guy who knows what he’s doing. So I’ll ask for your help.
    I’m in a very sticky situation with my ex. We broke up roughly a year ago, and she started dating another guy. She’s living with him now. The problem is that she’s still really attracted to me and has cheated on him with me. I don’t really condone of it, but since I still love her and I want to be with her, I let it continue.
    I’ve already realized that I don’t really need her, that I can live my life without her. But I’ve decided that I do want to live my life with her. But she’s still with the other guy, primarily because she’s confused and doesn’t want to break the other guy’s heart. I also believe that she might be afraid of how he’d react if he knew the truth.
    The chemistry is still there, and I’m currently working on it. I’ve made progress. I got her to go from saying “Absolutely not” to “maybe” to “confused.” I hate to see her like this, but it tells me that she still wants to be with me.
    Basically, I want her to realize what her heart has been telling her. I know she still loves me. I just don’t know how to help her realize it.
    I’m taking the cool, calm and laid back approach right now. And I think that everyday I’m getting closer and closer to my goal.
    So what is your take on all this? I’ve already decided that this is the woman for me. I want to marry her. I’m not worried about her cheating on me if we get back together because sex isn’t that important to her. And she looks to me for support and guidance anyway, so she wouldn’t go to another man for that.
    As I’ve said, I’ve made progress in how she feels about me. I just want her love me and only me. Could you help?

    Reply
  20. Steve

    An update: I’ve confessed to her everything I feel, and it’s made a positve effect. She’s all but proven to me that will be together again. I don’t think I need anyone’s advice anymore.
    I truly love her, and she knows that now. Now it’s only a matter of time.

    Reply
  21. Ming Rowell

    I Really Love Mayra(M&M) we had ours up and downs. but i really feel that we are going to break up over a misunderstanding(both of us talking to each other, but we are not listening to each other)but we feel we were made for each other. Please advise me as to what I need to do?….thnxs

    Reply
  22. Bryan

    I just wanted to say that this is a great website. I am in the same situation as many others that have posted here. 2 weeks ago, my fiancée broke up with me. I had become very depressed, due to problems in the relationship, and issues of my own that had nothing to do with the relationship. It is unfortunate that it that takes something like a break up for us to open our eyes and clearly see the downward spiral that leads to the end. I can now clearly see that simply spending time together isn’t the answer; you have to be present, not just there. For me over time, due to problems in the relationship, we lost the intimacy. For example, instead of sitting on the couch watching a movie or TV cuddling up, we would sit on different ends, just being there, but not together.

    I too found this website, for one reason, I want her back. While I know that we had our problems, I still love her, and I know that if we can get past this we can have a great life together. I had already come to the conclusion that Alex has been saying to nearly everyone here. If I want her back, I need to a) give her time, and b) get on with my life and let her live hers. We started out that we were going to stay friends, and still chatting over the computer, but I made it clear that I wanted her back, too soon without giving her time to think. Now, I have not heard a word from her in a few days. And I am leaving it that way. When she is ready to talk, or see me, she will come to me.

    Trying to hold on only makes her push away. After a breakup, words mean nothing, nor do they really before a break up. You have to show her you are happy, with or without her. So I will follow Alex’s advice, and move on. There are only 2 possible outcomes, either we get back together, or we don’t. Either way, the same action must be taken. Move on with my life. This way too, should we not get back together, I have already gotten on with my life and not getting back together will not hurt nearly as much as it would if I didn’t move on.

    In the end, in these situations, we cannot live in the past, in order to have a future, we have to look to the future. Repairing a relationship that has broken up will not happen overnight, so don’t rush anything. We have to take our time. And it will take longer to win her back then it did to win her in the first place. Remember at first, we had no history with our girls, now we do. And bad history can be hard to over come.

    Reply
  23. Steve

    Bryan….you seem to have your head on straight so far. Take it from me and the many, many others who have come here (see the sister thread, How To Get Over Your Ex-Girlfriend…I’m a regular visitor over there), take the time and give each other space. This notion of No Contact is highly, HIGHLY important. It’s mandatory. It gives you time to think about things, plus….and this is a BIG plus….it shows you have the strength to live without her.

    I’ve done considerably more damage to my own relationship POST-BREAKUP, than before it actually happened. A lot of angst and begging and lashing out and it’s been very destructive.

    I may be wrong, but had I just played it cool, given things space, let her think about things……who knows.

    Stay strong, Bryan. Thanks for posting.

    Reply
  24. Bryan

    Thanks Steve.

    Saw her for a bit today. We are trying the stay friends thing. I know, normally doesn’t work out, but gotta give it a try. One of the realizations I had, I miss her a lot, but right now, I miss her more as a friend. Basicly, like I said in my last post, if I want her back, it has to be the same action as if I don’t, do nothing. If we can stay friends, and I don’t get one of those days and start to beg, who knows. But it won’t be for a long time. The only thing I am afraid of is how I might react when the time comes that she finds someone new, if it is before I do. At this point, I just want to see her happy, even if it does mean without me. I did tell here today take the past 4 days sucked cause I missed my best friend. And I did mean it. Yeah, I might want her back, but gotta do it this way, and say a damn thing about wanting her back. Now we are talking again. Chatted with her a bit over the computer, and we are trying to make plans to get together, just her work schedule is crazy right now. That happens when you decide to work two jobs. But she is happy, so I am happy… well, not happy that she is happy without me, but it was a great short time I spent with her today. Even got a hug and a kiss on the check. But that was more of a joke. She wanted me to do something for her and I kept doing the ‘What will I get?’… ‘And what else?’ It was nice to just talk only as friends. I am coming to realize that the relationship was not heathly, and if there is ever going to be a chance, we both need to be truly happy. So now, it is only a matter of see what the future has in store.

    So anyone else here. Take it from me, the don’t push things can work. As I pointed out in me last post, I tried the ‘I don’t want it to end.’ ‘I want to try to work it out.’ And she just pushed away with zero contact for a few days. It was hard not to get in touch with her, but I did it. Then I tried, ‘Yeah I miss you as a friend.’ And we are now talking.

    Ming:

    Since no one replied to you yet I will. I don’t know the whole story, but from what you said, I want you to think about a couple things. One, Eventhou she said that she things you are meant to be, DON’T get hung up on that. She could only be saying that to try and spare your feelings. She may mean it now, but she might not later. Two, My relationship was full of misunderstandings, and hearing, but not listening. Trust me I know it is hard, but you have to give her some space, give her time. And think the worst. That it is over. Think of it this was, if you do, you are preparing yourself for the worst, and if it isn’t truly over, thing how happy you will be when you do get back together. But as everyone here has realized, give her the space and time she needs. And if you can, just be happy with being friends. If you can’t be together as a couple, at least this way she will still be a part of your life, and still remember, being friends after a break up isn’t easy either.

    I did this a few times to and it help a little for me. Write her a letter, telling her how you feel. Get your feelings out and thoughts out. And when you are done that letter, rip it up and throw it out. It is never meant to be a letter that she sees.

    Reply
  25. Jay

    http://www.mrschatterbox.com/introspection-on-how-to-keep-your-girlfriend-happy/entertainment/2008/09/

    Here is a link above to my story. Spent a year, almost every day, making it feel like 5 years with the most wonderful woman in the world. I treated her bad, she left, cut off ALL contact.

    I havent talked to her in 3 weeks now and I’m sure some of you can imagine what i’m going through (even as a grown man!)

    I dont like the idea of just “moving forward” and moving on. This girl had been my best friend and my life is now very incomplete without her.

    I’m amazed with the net being as big as it is, i haven’t found one truly great resource on steps you can take that are 99% effective to at least getting a response from an ex, and being their friend.

    Reply
  26. Penny

    This is such a good article. Really refreshing and spot on regarding the need to not be desperate, to move on, and to have fun. Fun is key. Too much introspection does not make for a healthy relationship.

    Reply
  27. Jay

    Are you saying my introspection is not healthy? LOL … I had taken the time to look at things clearly, instead of biased and in my favor.

    Reply
  28. Tee

    First off great site.

    Here’s my problem, i been with my girlfriend/ex now for over 4 years, we live together still and have a 2 yr old daughter together, as well as my son from a previous relationship and she has a son as well.

    About a month or 2 ago, she broke up with me because i was a typical guy, im not the hold your hand tell you your beautiful type, she thought i didnt care.I love this woman with everything i got and the kids as well, it kills me to be in the same house together but not together you know?

    I want to fix this relationship for our sake and the kids, i dont want to have to walk out on my family.I asked her to marry me back in september and she needed time to think about it, finally she said she’d give me til the new year to prove to her i’ve changed and im not going to go back to the old me before she gave me an answer.

    Well i seen the errors in my ways and i’ve changed, i know where i was wrong, now its all about her and the kids, i bring her flowers home out of the blue, do everything for her, problem is she see’s this as “butt kissing” how can i prove to her its real and from the heart and not just a ploy to get her back. I know i hurt her and cant take back the past but i want a future with this woman, i want to be a family.

    Another thing is i work midnights i’m not home alot and found out recently she slept with some guy off myspace when we first broke up, she said it was my fault it happened and she admits it was wrong but when it happened she had no intent on being with me nor did she know i was going to propose to her.

    How can i save this relationship? i can forgive her for cheating, i love her enough to let the past be the past because tommorrows a new day, how can i make her realize this is the real me, the one she fell in love with and how can i get this relationship back, its hard fighting for it when everything i do is seen as “kissing her butt”

    I got to much to lose and so does she, though she doesnt realize that yet, it hurts to know i may have to move out soon and become a “weekend daddy” like i said she gave me til the new year…guess its a good think she didnt say no right off the bat to my proposal. Im hurting bad and its effecting my job and everything else….please give me some good advice.Thanks

    Reply
  29. dewayne

    hey…i dated my roomate for 2 months as soon as i moved in this shared student house… the first month was amazing even though we hooked up without really knowing eachother ….the second month she was kind of bitchy we got into a fight well we were drinking didnt talk for a few days …..but i went out a few times an continued to drink …so she thinks im an alcholic even though im not…. she ended up breaking up with me saying she really likes me but she is not ready for a serious relationship…
    so im trying to be friends with her even though i want her an i live with her …wat do i do??????????

    Reply
  30. Steve

    Tee…

    Congratulations on changing your ways. You should be proud, but ultimately, you have to change for yourself, not someone else.

    The more you give off the vibe of “I’ve changed, and this is who I want to be, whether we’re together or not”, the more she’ll be attracted to the new you. Otherwise, you guys are bound to fall back into the same patterns, and end up splitting apart. Again.

    This is about your integrity. Who do you want to be? Think about it, decide on it. Stick to it. And if she’s seeing this new person you’re becoming, and is

    The last thing you should do is beg. And try and prove anything to her. Show her by your actions. But if there’s one thing I know, women are different creatures. Take a look around this blog, and the “how to get over…” page. Women don’t think like men. The more you try and convince her, the more she’ll move away from you emotionally.

    Yes, treat her well. But be a strong man. Be kind, be respectful….be a great father. Be these things for yourself and your child. And if she chooses to stay with you, never forget yourself. And treat her well.

    Any woman would be drawn to a man like that.

    Let us know.

    Steve

    Reply
  31. Adam

    My name is Adam Palmiter, you can find me at http://www.myspace.com/cookiep
    My girlfriend and I have been going out for 14 months. We were good friend before we started dating and live in the same town. We had an amazing time together, a great sex life (aside from both living at home which dampered it some), and trust each other without fail. She broke up with me on Sept. 18th of this year. Over the course of our relationship, we had great times and no problems. Small bouts here and there but only trivial stuff.
    Unfortunately, about 3 weeks after we started dating, her family discovered that her Father had been cheating on her Mom and had a 6 month old child. Their family was the picture of perfection until this crucial moment. Since then, her parents have divorced, both have started dating other people, and she had to live at home with her Mom after graduating from college.
    She broke up with me because she said she just couldn’t deal with a relationship but loved me more than anything. She didn’t feel it was fair to me because she didn’t want me to have to wait for her to be ready and she didn’t want the added pressure of me waiting. In the past month she has been seeing a counselor finally, moved into an apartment, and we have started talking consistently again. She has been trying to push away the relationship to make it easier on herself, but it is hard on me as she was exactly what I wanted. I want her to want me and do not want to pressure her, so I am waiting while still trying to move ahead.
    We are in a small town and have the same friends, so we inevitably see each other. There isn’t tension, but I am afraid of just being a friend or making her indifferent as you said is my enemy. What do you feel I should do?
    I can elaborate on anything.
    Thank you so, so much for any advice.
    Sincerely,
    Adam

    P.S. Here is some further info if you are interested…
    I am 27 and she is almost 24. I am very successful as a Realtor and love the peaceful area in VT where we live. I used to be a 42 inch waist in high school so I work out consistently to stay very fit.
    Her family loves me and she loves mine.
    She is my first long term girlfriend, but partially because I have dated and never been as interested. I do not lead girls on if I don’t feel a vibe. We have both only had sex with a couple other people and due to that and being great friends, we have had an amazing level of trust.
    When we broke up, she did say she needed to work her things out without always leaning on me, that she wanted to be independent and feel significant, that she was afraid she couldn’t love me like her Dad did to her Mom, and that she was afraid to try and work on things and hurt me more down the line.

    Reply
  32. Phillip

    Hey, my ex dumped me on Oct 19th 08 just over a week ago currently. She said her feelings for me just kinda went away and had a fling with her 1st bf ever this past Friday b/c she was apparently in the mood and he is apparently very sensitive to her feeling from what she has told me. She said sex with me was more or less mediocre, and sex with him is steamy and hot and romantic…… I think she feels that b/c she and him have only had sex 2 times and they dated like 6 yrs ago when she was 13 and he was 19 and he never did anything inappropriate to her even when she tried to do it to him b/c he knew she was jail bait at the time and he comes and goes very randomly like every other 6 months and he only stays for like max a week. I still love her and want to be with her, and yes I know I am a fool for that but she and I have been friends for 3.5 years and have dated for just under 5 months…… is there anything I can do in hopes of the feelings coming back to her? Her parents still want her and I to date and they trusted me the most with her even just as friends but very much so as bf and gf…….. Any advice for me please?

    Reply
  33. Shawn

    I dont’ know if If my advice is helping but yoiu need to act like you don’t want her…move on…you might not have in your mind but let her know you’ve…any my ex’s parents and whole family loved me and she is doing some puss from her work…its sick I know…but grow a pair…..you’re the man if she is not with you f it…Also, what 19year old would date a 13 year old..that is weird…she will be back begging for you in no time.

    Reply
  34. Anonymous

    I have a similar problem. It was a girl I dated a little over four years ago. We developed very strong feelings for each other. After we officially broke up we didn’t speak at all except on rare occasions. Every time I saw her, no more than 3 or 4 times a year, it was awkward. It left me feeling terrible. I thought I’d never be able to have any sort of healthy relationship with her again. After almost four years we ended up at the same College. At first it was a little uncomfortable. But we’ve become great friends over time. Actually I’ve learned that it was her that I missed all of that time, not being in a romantic relationship with her. The point is. I’ve developed feelings for her again. Not only of physical attraction, but a sincere and honest attraction to her. I need to move on. I just can’t stop feeling this way for her. Feeling this way for her has a strong potential of ruining our friendship. What can I do?

    Reply
  35. David

    @Philip I think your ex is lucky. Even if she already had a fling and said all those things you still want to get your ex girlfriend back. My suggestion is that you need to romance her. You need to make her laugh. You need to remind you of why she fell in love with you in the first place. Make her feel that she’s never going to find another man who will love her the way you do. Make her realize that no one else will make her laugh the way you do or do those special things that only you do to her.

    Reply
  36. KB

    Alright i need some advise here. ok about 3 months ago my girlfriend and I broke up after 2 years of being really close. She actually broke it off a couple of days before my birthday and then moved an hour and 45 min north. haven’t seen her since. after she moved in with her sister and brother in law her whole personality changed and she stopped talking to me. oh yeah and before she left she pretty much lead me on by telling me she loved me so much and really wanted us to work out in the future blaw blaw blaw. anyways i dont know the whole story of why she left but a couple reasons are that i the last few months of our relationship i didn’t show that i cared anymore and the church is a big thing in her life but i am in active. A week after she moved she got a boyfriend. At this time it sucked i hated that feeling but i got over it. She would never talk to me but she would text my little sister and mom and tell them she missed them and asked how everyone was doing but she never talked to me. Ever since she left i’ve felt like a piece of me is missing, i think about her 24/7 and when i finally get her outa my head i have a dream about her and then i start thinkin about her all over again. A bad part of this is i could have a pretty awesome girlfriend thats trusting and just fun to be around but when im with her or any other girl all i can think about is my ex. A week ago i got an e-mail from her askin how i was and all that. I figured her boyfriend broke up with her and thats y she started talking to me again. After three months of not talking we have been talking for the last week. She says she has been considering gettin back together and all that but then shes always throwing my imperfections in my face. She told me she wanted to be friends and hangout when she comes down to visit her parents and she wants to hangout this christmas eve and watch a movie i said that would be okay. I think i screwed up by workin on gettin back with her and all that. she knows i want her back but her excuse all my imperfections and that she wouldn’t make me happy and she really is confused and doesn’t know what she wants and just a bunch of excuses but yet she says she misses me and is really considering coming back. This whole mess is a long story with many more things thats happened. My question is what can i do to get her back? i’ve tried to say ta hell with her and just move on but i can’t no matter what i do. What should i do? thanks for the help…

    Reply
  37. ab

    Ok so i need some advice. I dated this chick for awhile it didn’t work out. We didn’t really talk for awhile which was a good thing. About 5 months latter she contacted me again and we hung out a few times and almost got back together but did not. We had a huge fight and again did not talk for a few months. Well she started dating another guy but kept contacting me. She would always tell me how much she missed me, sent me song lyrics and all this stuff. This lasted for a few months until we again had a big blow up ( I told her i didn’t want to talk to her anymore because it was getting in the way of both of our relationships) and didn’t talk for a few months. This lasted for about three months when she contacted me again and again began telling me how much she missed me, that she thought about me all the time, that she wanted to see me but did not trust her self with me, even that she was not over me. However, through all of this she still has her boyfriend, she even lives with him now. She has called me when shes on vacation with him, or virtually any other time hes not around. So my question is do I keep talking to her, or do I say enough is enough. I mean i still care a lot for this girl. Does she want to be with me or does she just want the attention…

    Reply
  38. Ed

    I’m kinda dealing with a similar situation with a twist. My wife and I were having serious martial problems and we seperated. I began dating this woman for a few months and it was amazing for both of us. Her big thing was I couldn’t leave my wife for her, I had to be leaving for me. I was leaving my marriage because it was miserable. After a couple months I hear that my girlfriend was seeing other people. I had no rights to her, I was still married but living apart from my wife. So I pulled back from my girlfriend for about a month or so. I began trying to patch things up with my girlfriend but the damage had been done. According to her I broke her heart and as recently as christmas met someone but still txt’s me on a fairly regular basis.

    What really sucks is I really love this woman and she says she loves me too. But she “wants to see where this new relationship goes”. My wife and I had a friendship marriage and the divorce will be done in about 30 days. I know I need to embrace the NO CONTACT rule but it is so hard. She has said she wants to be freinds and isn’t ruling out a relationship in the future with me.

    I guess I’m posting here for the same reason as everyone else. I found someone I truely love and I blew it. To try and get over her I keep telling myself if she really loved you a new relationship wouldn’t matter; she’d be
    with me.

    I need to forget her but I can’t. So as of today I told myself no more answering txt messeages or emails. I’m going to do my dammedist to not look at her facebook anymore. I need to get strong again and this is killing me.

    Reply
  39. Daylan

    I just lost my girlfriend 4days ago and i dont even know what happend everything was going fine she even said she loved me but 4days ago she just got really mad and said we dont work i dont know where that came from. the only thing i can think of is that she is always busy and i always wont to spend time with her i dont know but how do i get her back fast beacuse she is realy hot and i dont wont to lose her to someone else

    Reply
  40. Capricorn_14

    hi there alex my girlfriend and i had broken up last week, thursday she told me that she doesn’t like and love me anymore, i didn’t spend too much time on her, narrow minded and childish and now she’s in the arms of somebody else do i still have the chance to get her back thanx a lot

    Reply
  41. john

    Situation: Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 2 and a half years. Over the last few months things have gotten strained between us. Just recently we had a small talk about our problems. It came down to her telling me that she loves be but doesn’t feel “in” love anymore. We both agreed that we don’t want this relationship to end. She said she just needs some time. She wants us to just be friends for a few months and then start dating again. During the “break” we both agreed not to date other people, and to still tell people that we are a couple. So, I was just wondering, is that a good sign? The fact that she’s willing to try again in a few months? I really love this girl, and don’t want to lose her. I know that I’m the one who screwed things up and I know how to fix them. Do you think she will ever fall back in love with me?

    Reply
  42. Anthony

    Alex,
    Do you think it’s childish to send a girl a letter after she broke up with you?
    I mean, the letter is not all lovey dovey stuff, it’s more of telling her how she did me wrong coupled with the feelings I had for her (Notice I mention “had” not have for her)

    Reply
  43. Anhony (England)

    This disappoints me, I thought you were all about moving on Alex? I swear by your “getting over the ex” post :/

    Reply
  44. Adam C

    Hey Alex,

    You seem to be right on the money with your advice giving, and been following your advice without reading this before. But I have a similar situation, but the time with the Girl is only different. We dated for about 2 months. But she has been the girl I’ve been looking for, and don’t get me wrong…I’ve had my fair share of women…ex player if you will. But I’m growing up and want something serious. So I met her and WOW, blew my hair back and got excited…too excited. Its like when you find that person you want everything right away, Mistake #1. I know I should have taken things slower, but she was right there with me with the excitement, even talked about becoming more serious. After that conversation she got a little freaked out, and to be honest…so did I. so we decided to put it on the breaks and still see each other, which was cool. But then a bomb went off. I recently got a new roommate, that my other roommate found. Biggest scum bag ever. Lied for no reason type of deal. So he was putting me on high distress, which started to make me a little needy (which is unlike me, and eventually pushed her away), then the A-Hole didn’t pay rent, so in turn got me evicted. That’s when I got really clingy cause my life was becoming unstable, and wanted stability with her. Then she just stopped talking to me. A weeks goes by, and I was like “eff it” but couldn’t get her out of my mind, then purposely set something up where I “accidently ran into her” (so I didn’t look like a stalker lol) and she said that it was all too overwhelming and apologized for just stopping the communication, and I in turn apologized for being needy like that, and said that wasn’t me. So we hugged and agreed to be friends. But I still have these VERY VERY strong feelings for her. We occasionally talk, but nothing serious…I’m just trying to keep my presence so I won’t be forgotten, but not be overwhelming. She is also 4 years younger than me, and was in a long relationship a few years back and haven’t really had the “fun” I have had. So now I want her to go have her fun (as much as it kills me, but better now than if we did get back together).

    She always said I was truly amazing and treated her just right. So it was her birthday recently and she wasn’t too excited for it. So I sent her flowers and chocolates to her work as a nice little surprise, since she was blah about her B Day. She texted me thanking me for the flowers, but also said “I shouldn’t have done that!” Don’t know how to read that. Am I doing the right steps? I am trying to see other women, but I’m thinking of her when I’m with them, which isn’t fair too them. So I’m putting my dating life on hold, for a bit, getting back in my social scene, going back to that “Amazing, Confident, Funny, outgoing” guy she originally fell for. So yeah! Any tips or pat on the backs would be greatly appreciated.

    Reply
  45. Bob

    Hey Alex.

    I broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago. When she told me she just wanted to be friends, it left me in quite a sad state which pushed her even further away from me. However I have recently been showing signs of my old self again, being laid back and generally doing the things which attracted her to me in the first place. She has started talking to me again quite often, except I get the impression that she thinks im over the whole thing which is definitely not true. I loved her and I still care for her very much and if she thinks im over the whole thing wont that just make her think i want to be friends? Where do I go from here? How do I show her that I still care for her? How do I rekindle our relationship?

    Reply
  46. Jacky

    Hi alex,

    I need advice,i feel lost and pains in my heart.
    Let me know how i can tell you my problem and how you can help mie out asap.

    Please help me
    ____________________________________________________________

    I don’t feel to post my problem is there other ways?

    Reply