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How to Win Back Your Ex-Girlfriend

"How do I get back together with my ex girlfriend?" "How do I get back together with my ex girlfriend?"

A dating question from a reader:

Iestyn wants to win back his ex-girlfriend. She has been starting to get in touch with him again after 5 months, but he’s unsure about how to go about it.

“Hey Alex! I’ve just come across your fantastic blog; all your advice so far has been great! I was wondering if you’ve got any advice for a man who really wants his ex-girlfriend back. We broke up about 5 months ago now, and just recently she’s been getting in touch with me, and I’m not too sure how to handle it, as I don’t want to drive her away again, as I would do anything to have a second chance with her.” Thanks man – Iestyn.

Hey Iestyn, I think what you have here is a very common scenario. Man chases woman, woman flees and woman comes back. Put that on repeat, and I think we’ve got your problem covered.

You need to eliminate one link of the chain. You need to stop “chasing” her. Not meant physically, although it could be, I mean in the way you think about her.

You say that you would “do anything to have a second chance with her”. Why is that?

Don’t be desperate

If you don’t have any choices when it comes to women, it automatically makes you desperate. And I think that this is the real issue. If you had more choices, you wouldn’t worry about your ex-girlfriend from almost half a year ago.

Sure, you would think about her sometimes. Be glad for all the good things you had together. But you would also have moved on with your life, de-attaching yourself.

Ask her out

The way you should handle her getting back in touch should be just like if it was an old friend. Be laidback, you couldn’t care less what she thinks about you! Maybe talk about some good old times, and be genuinely interested in her life.

Set up a “date”, and say that you want to catch up with her. If she’s the one contacting you, I can’t see why she wouldn’t say yes to this.

When on the date, as I always preach, have fun. Lots of fun. Sitting in a restaurant talking about her new job is boring. Going to an amusement park while talking about why Britney Spears cut of all her hair is so much better. Or, well at least you’re not talking about her job.

Since your ex was originally attracted to you, there’s a good chance that you can re-attract her. Just remember what she liked about you when you were together. There’s a good chance that it was because you made her laugh and made her feel good.

Do that again!

The mentality

As I said before, be laidback and confident. You have a new life, and she can be a part of it again. But you don’t need her. Not at all!

If you have this mentality, I can almost guarantee you that she will be crawling back to you.

Few things are less attractive to women than men living their own lives, by their own premises. Keep this in mind.

Good luck Iestyn, and be sure to report back with your results!

Also, I highly encourage you to check out my book called “The Ex-Girlfriend Solution”. It includes everything you ever wanted to know about getting over your ex and moving on with your life. It takes you right from the break-up to your new relationship, and it answers all the questions I get all the time, like “what to do if she wants to be friends”, “how to avoid being distracted by thoughts about her”, “how to fall asleep when I miss her” etc… Read more about it here!

Image by petecarr

Get Your Ex Back

154 thoughts on “How to Win Back Your Ex-Girlfriend

  1. Iestyn

    Hey Alex! Thanks a lot for your awesome quick response man! It’s much appreciated!

    We were together for nearly 5 years, so naturally she was a huge part in my life, there wasn’t a lot of things that we didn’t do together, she was my best friend, and one of my biggest inspires in life, and it all came to a very very sudden end, and I think that’s one of the reasons that I took it so hard as I did.

    I just miss her a lot you know, she’s gone back to University now, so I don’t see her at all – but pretty much every night for the past 2 weeks she’s just been on msn chatting to me a little, and it’s such a great thing – I’ll take on board all your advice, and just play it calm – and I’m not letting her know that I’d do anything to get her back. I’ll keep you posted Alex, and I’ll reply a more in depth reply when I can!

    Again, thanks a lot man!

  2. Alex Kay

    Christian and sir jorge: Thanks. And yeah, funny enough, I agree :)

    Iestyn: I’m really glad that I could be of assistance. 5 years you say? That’s a lot!

    I see why it took so hard on you, I’m really sorry to hear that. But once again, there’s only one thing to do, and that’s moving forward.

    You are very very welcome, I am always happy to help. And I certainly look forward to your next reply!

    Take care man,

  3. Mwangi

    I would definitely agree with Alex’s advice.
    Get out there and date a few more women and do the things that make your heart sing/make you happy/are your mission in life.
    In this area I am pretty much speaking from experience. If you go out and live a much better life than during the time you dated and date women more beautiful-or even have more beautiful women attracted to you-that’s the best thing for you because it will give you a new ‘abundance’ vantage point from where you can re-evaluate your relationship and your ex.
    It’s also best for her because it will probably send her attraction for you through the roof and ultimately women love to be with men they are attracted to.
    The Master card advertisement was right; the look on your exes face when you are living a better life……priceless.

    I hope this has served and you find love before this life wraps up.

  4. Raymond Chua

    Hi Alex,

    Thanks for the great tips.

    My ex and I broke up 5 years ago and she is now blessed with 2 lovely children.

    I don’t think I want to get her back and spoil the happiness of her family. :)

    I think it’s better for me to bless her and her family.

    Thank you for your advices.

  5. Alex

    Great advice Mwangi, you’re so right. Thanks for your valuable comment :)

    And Raymond, I think that you have taken the right decision in this case. Way to go man! And you’re very welcome.

  6. Tom

    I feel as though I have pushed my ex-girlfriend into another mans arms. I feel as though she is at the point of no return. Cant sleep,eat find peace within or happiness really bummed out.

  7. Alex Kay

    Hey Tom,

    Well if she is at “the point of no return”, why can’t you find peace?

    The only thing to do is to meet someone new.

    Nothing to feel sad about, really, just get on with it :)

  8. John

    Hi Alex! I’ve been with my ex-girlfriend for 3 years and now im still living with her. Its really hard because she is talking on the net with a guy that lives really far away and she talking about going there. It’s been 2 months and she hasn’t took her decision yet. I lost her because i’ve took her for granted and i was too lazy. But now i realised i can’t live without her and i love her more than anything in the world. So i decided to really change my way of acting. I’m attentioned to her, make her breakfast, do some cleaning, do some cooking, all sorts of things for her. She seems to appreciate it but she tell me that she don’t believe i will stay like this for more than 2 months and that i will take her for granted again. What should i do to prove her that i’ve really changed? I can’t just tell her. I must prove it to her to make her think of going back with me instead of leaving the country for a men she knows only on the net. Thanks in advance for your advice! John.

  9. Alex Kay

    Hello John,

    thanks for your comment.

    I think I see where you are coming from, but I am not sure you have it all right. She’s not thinking about leaving you, because you “take her for granted”. This is very unlikely. She is thinking about leaving you, because she doesn’t feel “it” about you anymore. All the breakfast in the world doesn’t change this. A really emotional talk (from your side), or a new approach to life (with her) is what you need. You need to get back to what she originally was attracted to you. Invite her out, have picnic on the roof, kiss her like you have never kissed her before under the stars. This kind of stuff.


  10. John

    Thanx for your anwser but i think i didnt explain well my problem. She is stuck on this game named World of Warcraft. The guy she met is on that fu***** game too, we live in Canada and he lives in California… So asking her out is really hard cuz she always have something that seems more important on that game. Even if i try to talk to her about it, she become aggressive and tell me that she do what she wants and that i dont any lessons to give.. it really seems like a sickness. I’m the only person in real life she talks too beside her parents and they live far from here so they dont realise that she have a problem with that. So who will tell her that she really have a problem? All of her friends not call her anymore and she doesn’t call them neither. Its really hard for me to be more important than the game, nearly impossible. I also tried to talk to her about my feelings and she tell me that she needs some air.. so i stopped asking her to do things with me but i’m still doing stuff for her without asking anything in return. that’s what i’ve done and she’s still stuck in front of her computer talking to addicted ppl. I really love her and I want her back to real life, even if she don’t want to be back with me. It makes me sick :( So i tried the things i told you yesterday to make her realise that there is people that care more about her than a stupid game. It’s really an addictive game. I really need help with this. Thank you Alex!

  11. Daniel

    Hey Alex,

    I split up with my girlfriend in October 2007, we started talking again in December and I had then decided that I want her back, I never realised how much she meant to me until she had gone. Of course I did the typical male thing and turned into a very weak, and pathetic individual, yeah thats right I cried down the phone the full works. I can honestly say I knew I was pushing her away with that. Shes told me she needs time to just be herself for a while, obviously because of the stress I caused her in my states of emotion. I know she still loves me somewhere inside of her (i know a massive presumption). In this time to herself I have left her alone it feels like a long time but it’s only been like 5 days of no contact and It’s killing me not talking to her. I think about her alot, I feel like something is missing from my life because she isn’t here anymore. I know the best thing to do is move on which I am trying to do, go out more, meet new people.
    How long should I not talk to her for, some people say wait for her to get in touch with you, others say talk to her, some people say fight for her? Is there a chance I can get her back? I know its going to take time, but I am willing.


  12. Alex

    Hey John,

    That’s a really interesting story… Unfortunately, I have next to NONE experience with this kind of thing. Personally, I would move on, or give her some time. But to be frank, if she would rather play a computer game than being with her BOYFRIEND or her FRIENDS? Something is really wrong with her. I’m really sorry John, but I don’t think that I’m the right one to help you out in this case. The only thing that I can recommend is meeting new women to “make her jealous”, or to REALLY talk to her. Sorry dude, hope it works out!

    Ashley: I already have one? Right here.

    Daniel: It’s very important at this point to realize that you DO NOT “need” her, because if you don’t, the following months are going to be really tough for you. If I were you, I would just continue living, maybe writing some of your thoughts and feelings down on paper, and then wait a few weeks to take contact. But try to be TOO BUSY LIVING to think about her, I think that for everyone, that’s the best way.

    Best of luck to both you guys!


  13. Daniel

    Hey just an update really. Im making sure I’m too busy living etc and it seems to be going ok, shes emailed me and text me how should I act?

    Cheers Danny

  14. Alex Kay

    Hey Danny!

    Glad you’re holding up, you’re truly doing so much better than many guys out there :)

    I would rather say how NOT TO act. Don’t be clingy. Or needy. Look up those words if you don’t know what they mean. It’s really important.

    Otherwise, just try and read the post again, I think it’ll help.

    Good luck man!

  15. Kenneth

    Hey Alex, great site! My ex girlfriend broke up with me in Nov 2007. I really took a chance with this one. I knew her as a casual friend for years. She was married for 18 yrs and seperated in Sept 2006, then i come along and bump into her in Dec 2006. Was just going to be friends…. we you can guess what happened. It evolved into a relationship. Wonderful girl 38 yrs old, but self esteem destroyed. She was doing the chasing. We went out weekends because she was busy with her 2 kids during the week. anyway, out of nowhere in Nov 2007, she called me and asked we go back to friends as “she was not ready for a relationship” and she doesn’t want to get hurt again or what she wants. States she needs to find herself and enjoy the freedom she never had. I tried staying as friends and up until 3 weeks ago, it was friends with benefits. I had to stop that. I really felt like i loved this girl. anyway, just today i told her it would be best if we not contact each other as i need to move on and hearing from her every other day was more difficult than i thought. I guess it gave me false hopes. now that i cut off the communication, do you think she will still call me down the road. i guess there is a part of me that knows she needs to go and enjoy her experience, but concerned i won’t get over her and really would want her to come back.

  16. michael

    I recently ws see my ex but was wrongly diagnosed with cancer. It turned out to be Paget diseaase. I never told her because I was going to the Mayo clinic because They really wernt sure. Well it ended up being Pagets and I finlly told her. She was very simpathetic BUT she started going out with someone else. because i withdrew because I was very scared before my appointment. The reason I didnt tell her right away is because it was so early in our relationship that I couldnt dump that on anyone. Please A little word of advise, or how I can repare what I broke.

  17. Alex

    Hey Kenneth,
    I understand what you’re going through, it can’t be easy.

    But I am not really a relationship expert, and to be frank, this is a little over my head.

    But yes, I think there’s definately a chance that she’ll call you down the road. Without knowing any of you particularly well though, it’s hard to say.

    If I were you, I would contact her and invite her for a simple cup of coffee sometimes. Just talk like old friends, but with a sparkle in your eyes. Keep the flirting on a subtle level, and do the things that originally attracted her to you.

    Let me know how it goes mate :)

    Michael: None of you made a mistake, just some choices that seemed right at the time. No one to blame.

    My advice is that you get over her, and get on with your life. Follow the advice I gave to Kenneth about talking over a cup of coffee sometimes in the future, that’s what usually works for me. At least, it gives some kind of “closure” to the relationship, and I really like that.

    Thanks for your comments guys, and good luck to you both!

  18. Samir

    Dear sir

    I love one girl and she also loved me a lot
    one day she got my cell umber busy
    and she asked me with whom you were talking i told a girls name
    and she started firing and crying
    i rusted u so much and all stuff.

    and just to impress her and and show how much i love her i cut my hand.

    later she again cried why you did all this and all stuff.

    and after 4 days she met me and said i cant marry you because you are
    a muslim and i am a hindu and i played with ur feelings. i am really
    my parents wont allow me to marry you.
    and i am playing with ur feelings

    now i want to make up with her and be with her as long she marry some
    one and now now how to take her again for a date.
    Please please Advice some thing

    your earlyer advice really worked a lot

    please advice me something this time also

    thank you for sparing your precious time to read my e mail.

    thanking you


  19. Josh

    Hey Alex, I have kind of a weird question. I was going out with this girl for 2 months, right 2 months is nothing, right? Well I fell for her pretty hard, but we had a fight and broke up about 2 months ago. Anyway, we were still having sex for a while after we broke up, and I think she still had feelings for me, but I did not ask her to come back into a relationship yet. I think I failed to get to her in time.

    Well anyway, now it is 2 months past, and I had asked her and had a heart to heart talk with her about getting back together with me. I made a mistake and did something really stupid, I’m not going to get into it here, but it was really bad. Like she didn’t want to talk to me at all that night. I apologized and everything and eventually she forgave me. But anyway, I told her to think about us again, she said she did and decided that she doesn’t want to date me anymore about a week after that. But guess what, a week later, we slept together again. She initiated it while we were watching a movie. Now she said that she wanted to reassure myself and herself that she did not have feelings for me afterwards. This just happened 2 weeks ago, is this normal? Do you think that she might have feelings for me still?

    And here’s the mind boggler. When we began the relationship, I told her that I found preppy girls attractive and stuff. Now my ex is a very attractive girl, and I told her that, but she still got upset. And I told her that she looks really hot with straightened hair and other things.

    Well after we broke up, guess what she did? She started dressing preppy, she started to straighten her hair more, and all of the stuff I told her I found attractive. She says she doesn’t have feelings for me now at all, but there are so many mixed signals, I don’t know what to believe. Lately, I have been upbeat, and showed her that I am feeling good about life and enjoying it in the past couple of weeks. She is contacting me less and less though, we talked on instant messenger for a while for one night, but that was it within those 2 weeks after we had sex. So I’m wondering if maybe she’s tricking herself that she doesn’t have feelings for me? Or maybe she actually doesn’t have feelings for me? Any advice on how I can get her back if there’s a chance? I still am deeply in love with her.

    And great blog by the way, Thanks for your time. :)


  20. digitalcaptive

    Hi Alex,

    I would appreciate some advice.

    I was dating a woman for 5 months before she broke up with me. We never argued and we always seemed to get along great when we were together. Initially, she went out of her way to show me how much she liked me, and I was kind of hestitant but slowly I fell in love with her. I was really impressed by her, and I tried to talk to her everyday (either by phone or via email/IM). We were limited to seeing eachother once a week because of my schedule and our living arrangements (both living with our parents).

    The circumstances of our breakup are haunting me. The night that she dumped was the same day I landed a great new position professionally. So I was quite shocked when she broke the news to me at the end of a date – it came totally out of left field to me. In fact, we had just ordered desert!. Her stated reasons for ending the relationship were that I did not spend enough time with her, wasn’t attentive enough, etc. That maybe our ideas of what a relationship is were too different. I was shocked. She had never mentioned any of this before. I was floored, so I asked her to take me out for a drive, so we could talk this out. Well, I cried on her shoulder, and we had one last kiss…I was overwhelmed with emotions and let her know that I didn’t want to lose her as a friend … she said she would always be my friend.

    I probably said too much, but I was just trying to accept the reality of the situation and salvage something.

    Now I want her back. Should I even try?

  21. james m

    hi alex,

    i split up with my girlfriend in january after she cheated on me with another guy.we were together 3 months, which isnt that long, but we both fell for each other alot and we were in love.when she told me she cheated on me i was shocked cos we were going so well, she did say it was a drunken mistake, but that it made her think that she doesnt really want a relationship. i took it hard and as a lot of guys do,turned into a pathetic prat trying to get her back even though she treated me this way.we did see each other alot in night clubs and we still texted each other after we broke up but when we saw each other we argued and we were nasty to each other in texts,so 3 weeks after breaking up i decided i needed to move on,so i stopped going to nightclubs that i knew she may be in, and i said to her i dont want anything to do with you.then just last week, 2 months after the break up, after no contact she text me asking if she left her rings she wears all the time at mine, which i thought was weird that she just noticed them missing now, but i said ill look for them, i just carried on not thinking much about her.then she text me again 5 days later asking about the rings, i said i forgot to look but when im home next i will look(cos i live about 50 miles from my parents house where she left them).we got texting that night alot which she started, by saying she had been thinking about me which made me curious, she asked about a girl she knew i was seeing, i said i broke up with her which is true and i asked how things were with her boyfriend,she said crap and that shes says she wants what we had and i said so do i,but she said can she text me tomorrow cos she needs to think, but she wants us so much but doesnt want us to get hurt again.i said thats cool and i understand just take as much time as you need (hinting at if you havent made up ur mind by tomorrow then take longer to decide,trying not to rush her), and that i wouldnt hurt her again.up until now i havent really thought about her, and i thought my feelings for her had gone,but now shes said all that my love for her has re-surfaced.its been 5 days and no contact from her, i did say i was going away though on saturday and didnt mention when i was getting back, maybe shes waiting on me.im not sure if shes just playing me or what,i think she is still with this guy, but im not too sure, maybe she has broken up with him i cant be certain. these past 5 days have gone so slowly but i dont want to rush her like i did before,but at the same time, i want her to know im here for her. my mates dont like her cos she hurt me alot,and they say i can do better, but the 3 months we were together were honestly the best of my life and i would go through it all again even if i knew the outcome was the same as before.what shall i do, shall i text her now cos im back home, or wait til she texts me.i still havent looked for the rings she asked about so maybe i should text her saying im going to my parents house to look for them in a few days.what do you reckon?please, i need your help,sorry if its complicated and long.

    james m

  22. daniel b

    hey Alex
    i have been talking to this girl who lives in Florida and i live in Virginia. we were boyfriend and girlfriend. she said that she is in love with me and she wants to marry me. and i said i do too. but this morning she said the distance is killing her and she wants to keep “talking” but not carry the bf gf titles because it is hard to commit in a long distance relationship. then she says but i am in love with you and she promises me that. She says she still wants to be with me like living with me and be more than bf gf. she also says lets just talk like bestest friends. she says for us not to tell each other that we love each other. she says she still wants to talk to me everyday. then she says she wants to be a family. then she told me that if i want to try meeting other girls that i can. she told me not to get attached but i am really attached. i want to be with her 24/7 and she does too. then she says Mrs. my name. you know like Mrs. John Smith. then later in the day she says she wishes she was laying next to me with her leg over me and my arm around her. then she says we will be together.

    I am really confused. I am deeply in love with her and she is too. We made each other really happy.

  23. Cam

    Hey Alex i was just in a relationship with this girl and she broke up with me alittle over a week ago she said didnt want a relationship right now and that i wanted something more serious than she did. However the thing that gets me is that she believes the “L” word is a very serious word, she wont say it unless she means it and she doesnt say it often. About 3 weeks ago she said i love you and then about 1 week ago she started acting distant and i tried to find out whats wrong and she gave me all these reasons but i still felt that she wasnt being fully honest with me and so i kept picking and then about 5 days later after all the issue seemed to arise she broke up with me. I am not gonna lie i was crushed i took it bad cause there was so much i didnt understand it was my frist really serious relationship she was the first person i let in like that. Then about 3 days ago i had to talk to her i had to find out answers for me to have closure and move on cause not knowing was eating from the inside. During that conversation she started jumping for strings why she broke up with me. Everyone of her answers contradicted the previous one. Like i am aware i was clingy i felt i was losing her and paniced and yea so i became clingy i know that now but i also know i feel empty now. Like i feel she still does have feelings for me. She was into me for over a year before anything between us ever happened and i feel i can get her back if i just live my life and go back to the person i used to be before her. I used to not care what went on and i was fun. I made her happy and she loved being around me at one point and then i think i lost that when she knew she became the center of my universe. I know now that making her the center of my universe and not living my own life anymore was the wrong thing to do. I just want to know your opion on this and i have been trying to live a life like i used to but i never really did all that much before hand so its wierd just not having her there with me. Oh and i also have to work with her so being distant is all that easy. However i have been doing my best to look happy at work as if its not bothering me.

  24. Brian

    Hey Alex! This site is great. Anyway my ex and I broke up a week ago after 7 months of being together. Things for the most part were great. Talking about what are kids would look like, what kind of ring she wants, how much she loves me and all that stuff. Last week, we got in a big fight on St. Patricks day and I was a Zombie for five days. Couldnt eat, sleep, anything. Finally talked to her on sunday and she said she didnt want to talk. I asked her if she was done for good…that she would never date me again. Now i have had two exes do this and they wanted me back but i didnt want them back. This one is different. We are perfect for each other, i know she still loves me but is mad at my actions when i drink (nothing violent but say stuff i dont mean) I wised up and havnt called her but I really miss her. Usually I just move on to the next and dont sweat it. Do you she can still want me back after saying never again? I have already accepted moving on, lining up a couple dates but it just does not feel right at all. What do you think?

  25. Ali

    Hi Alex,

    I would appreciate if you can give me some advise, My girlfriend broke up with me because of trust issues, basically it was a long distance relationship and we were dating for almost 11 months but i haven’t seen her in 6 months. We were in love and she was moving back to where i live and obviously start a life with me, but recently we were having a lot of arguments and taking each other for granted and ended up breaking up. First i broke up with her and then i tried to get back with her but she refused and said its not going to work and she doesn’t feel the same for me. But i told her that i am sorry i was wrong and i understand why this is happening and willing to change myself but she didn’t listen so i told her take your time and think about it but she called me back after 2 days.

    When she called to break up with me i acted completely cool and agreed with her decision to break up with me and i was calm. Whilst on the phone breaking up with me she said this to me:

    1. Dont call me.
    2. It’s going to be hard but i want you to be strong.
    3. We can’t be friends.
    4. I am never coming back to where you live.
    5. You are a good person.
    6. I will always remember you.
    7. Thank you for everything you did for me. And i might realize later !!!

    Remember she is the same woman who wanted to spend the whole life with me and i was everything to her.

    Anyway i have cut all the contacts with her since our break up 14thmarch08 and i have also done some analysis, I wanna give her space and make her miss me. And now i am concentrating on myself and trying to move on. But i still love her and have strong feeling for her and obviously its hard. I am a good looking guy and i get tons of attention from other woman too. But i am just stuck on my ex and not making any efforts with women, maybe i dont want a rebound relationship or my heart is not healed yet.

    I just want you to tell me what should be my next strategy to win her heart back and be with her for the rest of our lives.

    Regards Ali.

  26. Ali

    Hey Alex,

    I emailed my ex girlfriend yesterday and said this:

    Just wanted to write a short email to let you know that i am totally okay with your decision to split up with me.
    Saw it happening for a while.

    You must have felt so unloved, hurt and frustrated with me.

    I felt so insecure in our relationship and under pressure as a provider that i kept testing you and it was totally disrespectful to you.

    I know there are no words that can make up for the pain I caused to you. I am truly sorry.

    You are an amazing woman. But you are not yet ready for a relationship. My mistake was in thinking that you were…its fine though.

    You won’t believe what happened to me the other day. Very cool and I am so excited. I really need to tell you about it some time.

    But for now…I want to give you time to yourself.

    Maybe at some point in the future we can at least be friends again.


    as you can see this message is totally contradictory, and look what she replied back to me next day.

    Hi Ali,

    I’m glad that you understand me,my feelings… to be honest!

    Hope you are ok and wanna tell you…Yea,maybe one fine day we could be friends…but not now,it’s too difficult for me!i’ve got so many things to think about…and to do as well.

    Thats what she wrote me back,
    As you can see from her email she is glad that i understand her on that level, and now she i willing to be my friend in the near future.

    I am not going to reply to her and cut off all the communication with her for another 2 or 3 weeks. So what do you think any advice what should i do next ?


  27. Ali

    And one more thing, looking at her email it suggests that she is still confused about what to do?

    Well i leave the rest for you to analysis Alex.

  28. Danny

    Hey Alex, I have to say I think I should have taken your advice under “how to get over your ex” column a long time ago. My ex and I broke up just over a year ago and I’ve tried just about everything to get back on track with her…emails, texts, flowers…not really phone calls though. She lives about an hour away now so I never see her. Her and I were together for just over 5 years, broke up once and got back together and now here I am and last I heard she was seeing someone but she made a point to say it wasn’t serious…she’s a rebounder. There’s a really big part of me that would love to get back together with her but I’m at a loss right about now on how to do that. Lately she hasn’t been returning any emails…but that’s not really anything new with her. When we first broke up the first time I’d email her and not hear from her for at least a week. Now I just don’t hear from her and it’s been about a month since we last talked. I’ve gone out on plenty of dates over the last year, but no one seems to peak my interest like she did. Any thoughts?

  29. mike

    thanks alex, and all of you guys, as you could probably guess i’m going through the same as most of you, i’d like to say that it’s been a real relief and help to know that there are so many of us out there and that i’m not alone in this, your advices and shared experiences have come in really handy and yeah, i concluded by myself that the only REAL solution is moving on, there’s no point in clinging to a sinking relationship, i found my ex was dating somebody barely 2 weeks after we broke up, that tells you what kind of person she is and well, i definitely wouldn’t want to be with someone like her :) to all of you grieving guys: nothing lasts forever, not even this pain you’re feeling right now, trust me -mike

  30. Olie Dymock

    Hi im 20 , me and my ex broke up 5 months ago, i found it really hard to get over her, and i know im not. i miss her so much, shes tried ringing me few weeks back but i dint answer. really wanna see her again. but i cant handle being just friends with her. i thought she may be seeing someone else, am i too late?? I wnt to move on but what we had was so good, and i have changed in so many ways. I have been going out alot recently, i know she still thinks about me..but what shall i do, just wait untill she contacts me, then arranged to meet her n feel like shit again when i find were just friends and shes with anuva fella. or leave it … but i dont want to !! i want her again, i suppose i got to leave it n hope she will come back. but the longer im not in contavt with her. the less chance i have of getting her back – true?? please give me some advice i was with her for 2 years she means loads to me just didnt show it when i was with her – you dot know what you got till its gone!!

  31. Gonzalo

    alex,my girlfriend of almost 4 years just broke out with me, she says she doesnt have those love feelings anymore. Shes been very frustrated over the last year trying to fix things and talk about it, and i did nothing. i feel so bad for the things that i did to her and its killing me. i did all those things to hurt her without wanting too of course, i was careless and emotionless, and now the shi.. hit the fan, u know what i mean. we keek seeing each other and have sex and cry, but she keeps telling me that she want to me happy and needs to find her self, what should do man? giver her a break, be supportive? she doesnt wanna losse me as a friend/person whatever that means! thanx

  32. Jerome

    Hi Alex, my girlfried broke up with me last week. She told me that her feeling is not the same as before, She cannot decide for her career if im with her. She wants to do things that she never did before and she can’t do it if I’m with her. I ask what’s really the problem then she told me that the problem is with her and I can’t her to solve it. She told me that she’s still have a feeling with someone she loved before but the guy never became her boyfriend. Right now im still confused, I really love my girlfriend and don’t want to let her go like that. I don’t know if we will still be able to get back together. Everywhere I go she’s always in my mind and I never had a good sleep since our break up. I really want her back, please give me some advice.

  33. dave

    alex or anyone who wants to help,
    (i apologize ahead of time for my grammer)
    i don’t know alot about girls but i know how to make my ex happy, this is just over my head…so i’ll try to keep this as short as possible
    we broke up in dec of last year. at first it was killer. i simply couldn’t function. i truly love her and i know i’ll never get tired of her. we were together almost 2 years but it felt like a small eternity. she left me because she says i’m lazy, i know thats not really why but because i talk to her/our friends all the time and they side with me. its been like 4 months and its been rough. shes with another guy now but hes not right for her, she sees it too. i know cuz i talk to her all the time and shes always said i’ve been able to read her. its her eyes that give her away. honestly when she visits me it feels like we’re back together.i hold her all the time, she jumps on me and wraps around me, it feels great to have her back in my arms. i can put her to sleep in less then a minute with facial/neck/shoulder massage because i know exactly what she likes and i know her body inside and out. shes says she misses me and for me to never abandon her yet she wont get back with me. i have everything her bf has and so much more but i lack confidence. i’m working on it and its helping but i still occasionally hint in a subtle way i need her. she says i give the best hugs and kisses shes ever had, i know thats a plus although i dont know how to use it. she even slipped and said she misses our sex. she acts almost automatic when we’re together, almost EXACTLY like it was before. shes even slipped kisses on my neck. so we know i make her world light up and she misses me greatly and her current relationship isn’t working yet she wont come back. shes moving to go to college soon and i’m thinking about following her. i tell her of course it was my plan anyway and i need to get out of this town but i think she knows the real reason. i suspect if i do follow her it wont be long before we’re back together again. my question is … how do i make her take that vital step. i’ve done everything i can but its like shes scared, i cant’ do anything else, i’m out of options. and should i move?
    help and opinions would be greatly appreciated

  34. Sam

    Hi alex,

    as most of you guys know, i’m having girl trouble.

    I’ve been broken up with my ex for about 9 months now and I am truly crushed.

    Stil in HS, it was difficult for us to be always be together. Our parents could not find out, and stress and pressure from everyone to do SATs and get into good colleges really made it extremely difficult for us to just be together. We broke up for what i think is a terrible reason =(

    I tried dating other women, but my feelings for my ex have not gone away. I miss her helluva lot.
    i’m about to graduate and go off to college, and my ex-gf has decided to go out of state for college.

    about 3 or 4 weeks ago i texted to see if she just wanted to go and get a cup of coffee, but she responded by saying

    ‘i don’t want to sound mean, i’m totally fine hanging out with you but i think its weird for us to hang out alone now..don’t you think?”

    i told her that sure, it’d be weird, even for me, but i just wanted to talk to her and hang out for a while.

    Later on, she chatted with me on fb how she didn’t want to come off mean and kept on asking why she wanted us to hang out alone.

    I was pretty much caught in a corner, and told her how much i missed her, pretty much told her about dating a few other women and realizing how much it was HER that i missed.

    She was a little shocked and told me that she thought
    ‘anything between us probably won’t happen again’ cos she just doesn’t feel the same anymore. she thinks of me a friend now.

    She acknowledge how she could tell i was being genuine, and completely honest and it was killing her but she ‘ can’t just go out with me again cos she thinks she’s getting flattered. And double-thinking about me makes her uneasy and shows off warning signals. And besides, she’s going out of state, pretty far away.’

    she’s still up for a cup of coffee, though, but doesn’t want to lead me on.

    I told her lets at least start hanging out again and she was cautiously ok with it.

    She’s a stubborn girl, but she has made me feel something i’ve never experienced before. I feel like i can’t just give up on soemthing that was amazing and potentially brilliant.

    please help me!


  35. Sam

    in connection to the last mail..

    i was my ex’s first kiss and first bf.

    she has not seen or been interested in another guy.

    hope that helps for some more information.

  36. Eric

    Alex, I just went through a breakup with a girl that I absolutely do not want to lose. I was searching google for some sort of method of winning her back, and I came across your site. Man, I’m pretty impressed. I think you have a great resource here, and this article has given me a lot of hope.

    I would like a little advice, though. This breakup happened less than two weeks ago. It happened when I found the following message in my facebook inbox:


    I don’t mean to try and save face in writing this, and I don’t mean to be cruel or harsh but I need to talk to you about something and I don’t speak as well as I write so here goes.
    Eric you are so great to me, so great, and I really don’t deserve all of the care and laughter you have brought to my life, you have never once made me doubt why you were a good person.
    But I’m beginning to feel like you and I are on two different paths in life. I mean you have your band and music and while I love that you have such passion, my passions in life won’t be able to coincide with that.
    I really like you Eric, you have been such a good boyfriend to me, but more than that, you’ve been such a good friend, but I just don’t feel the same way I did anymore. And it would be unfair of me to lead you on.
    I don’t mean to sound stereotypical in saying this, but I still really want you in my life, just as a friend though.
    Please write me back when you can, I understand if you’re angry and upset with me, I don’t blame you, but I still really hope you and I can be okay as friends. You can feel free to call me whenever Eric, and I hope you do at some point.


    This, naturally, confused the hell out of me. So, I talked to her. And she said that she’s been feeling like this for a few weeks and thought that if she just gave it more time, it would get better.

    Now, I spent the next week and a half pretty desperate and upset. I did go and talk to her face to face, and she said that perhaps in a few months we could try again, when she’s less busy with life, but no promises.

    A few days later, I sent her a message telling her exactly how I felt. How I was already in the process of changing what it was she said she had an issue with. How I didn’t want to lose her. And I got her to agree to go out for pizza and talk about this.

    I had everything I was going to say and do planned out, but after I read this article, I realize that it would not work.

    Now, here’s a few things that, after I regained my ability to think clearly, I realized. First, I am pretty sure she was hesitant about doing this. Second, she didn’t even try to talk to me about her issues, and instead just left them alone, which, as we pretty much all know, never works out. She got to the point where she was so stressed out about everything that she figured the only way to fix things would be to end our relationship.

    So what I think I want to do is just be the same guy that I was back when we first met. I think I want to make sure we both have a good time eating pizza. But when it comes time to talk, I just don’t know what to do.

    I know this article is a bit old, but any advice you could give, I would very much appreciate. I absolutely do not want to lose her. I want to get her back as quickly as possible.


  37. Steve


    My ex has somehow turned into my best friend, and she says we have changed so much physically and as who we are, that she is concerned with getting to know me, and truth is… I wish I could marry her!

    She’s amazing, with a kind heart, and a beautiful look all her own. When she walks into the room, it lights up, and everyone see’s her with her tan skin and dark hair.

    I see her heart… I know it HAS NOT changed. She’s still soft, and taken by small things. I sometimes try.. but she puts up a wall and blocks all of them from hitting her. I love her with all my heart, and I’m determined to win her back.

    More then anything, I just want to hold her again, and let her feel my heart against hers.

    Sounds corny I know, but I’m kind of a sap in the first place.

    She’s HUGE Christian, and she is so sure God will find each to their own, but I think he has found me mine, and I wish she would see I’m serious, and that I need her back to make my life amazing again… because ever since she’s been gone it’s been rock hard.

    Help me.. I’m so scared I could push her to far away and lose her forever. I love her to much.



  38. Steve

    What Eric said too… That’s what I need. I met my girl when she worked at a Pizza place, and we’ve been broken up for almost 9 monthes now… and we only lasted 9 in the first place. Please help.. before it’s to late for me or Eric.

  39. Alex

    Guys, guys…

    There are no “quick fixes” on a relationship.

    My advice:

    Get over her. Start living a new and more exciting life.

    Who knows, maybe you’ll meet her someday and she’ll be attracted to you again.

    Right now, you have a odds against you.

    Read my post titled How To Get over Your Ex Girlfriend, and start gaining a new perspective on things by reading Double Your Dating.

    Best of luck to all of you,
    and if you really need help,
    contact me personally.


  40. dean

    need help!
    i have been with my fiancie for 2 and a half years andin this time i have cancelled the wedding messed around on
    the interenet sending a couple peopleemails i should not have and latly i have gone away to work for 3months leaving her behind so i have basicly let her down and hurt her big time, but being away has made me realise what is important to me and that is her so i came home we had two great days then she said she wanted a break to see if she still wanted to be together, in the last 2 half years she has always said i am her one true love her soul mate and she could never live without me, i fet the same but never told her. now after a week she has said thats it she no longer wants to be with me, but also said “she still wants me in her life and who knows maybe one day we may get back together or just be friends but she does not want to loose out of her life” make of that what you will i know it confussed me.
    she has taken off her engagment ring but is wearing it around her neck on the necklace i bought her for xmas, she takes it off every night and puts it back on every morning? why this cofusses me aswell? i have done the wrong thing by txting, emailing wrighting letters this week to her so even thi she wanted space she never really had it and she also taken to partying alot with old and new found male friends, i truly need your help your advice your guideness
    on what to do next, this coming week she is away for a week for work and will be alone no friends around and when she gets back all my stuff will be gone from her mothers house were we lived as she asked, she knows i truly want to marry her as i have told her and given her all the stuff i had arranged for the wedding she will take this with her to read and also a dvd i gave her, will she been thinking about us this week? will it still be a shock to the system when she gets back and finds all my stuff gone even tho she knew it would be? if she does ( did ) love me as much as she has said she did for the last 2 half years will she seriously think about getting back together? i know she nevber wants to get hurt again so how can i make her see that i would never hurt her again or let her down and that i want to spend the rest of my life loving her as much as she loved me

  41. pritish

    my girlfriend left me in 2004 and now she got married but i want her back and i want that she thinks 24×7 about me, tell me the tips please i will be very greatful to you

  42. Mike

    I need help! I dated a girl for 3 years and she just broke up with me on Sunday (yesterday). Here’s the entire deal. We were dating for 4 months when I found out that 1 month into our relationship, while upset with me, she’d posted a Yahoo Personal advertisement for 1 day only. She met a guy from that advertisement and they went out for coffee. He asked her to his place the next day for dinner and she agreed. She ended up making out and he started to have sex with her but she stopped him. She ended up having a sexual relationship behind my back for 3 months. When I discovered it we spent a week arguing about what to do and eventually I agreed to take her back. We went another 3 months when she finally admitted to me that she had gone back and cheated on me again with the same guy. She said it was all about sex (and I believe her) and her own psychological issues. She told me that she was out of that situation because she had realized that she loved ME and wanted to be with JUST ME. She begged me to let her show me that she could and had changed. Upon me hearing this I decided to give her another chance because of how deeply I loved her. This girl did amazing things and went to therapy to deal with issues that caused her to cheat. She treated me right. However, anytime we had sex during the first 18 months after that incident, I would picture the other guy and it would cause an argument. During the arguments I’d end up saying mean and hurtful things out of anger (big mistake). Well, last Wednesday we got in an argument because she hurt my feelings. I told her my feelings were hurt and she took it entirely the wrong way. She told me she needed some time to think. I gave it to her. I also did alot of thinking. I realized that my ways towards her had to change. I came up with a long list of changes I needed to make in order to respect myself AND her. On saturday we talked on the phone and I told her what I had learned. She seemed impressed, but on Sunday we met and she told me she was “done” with me. She said she’d like to remain friends, but that the things I’d said to her were just too hurtful and she didn’t want to endure that again. Being desperate to get her to change her mind, I mentioned how I had given her a third chance when she cheated on me and that it had worked out. I asked her to give me 1 week to show her that I was serious about changing things and treating her better. I even pointed out that when I took her back after cheating I had no real way to know if she was or was not cheating again, but in our case, she’d know right away if I was treating her right. I felt it was only fair to give me that chance to prove myself to her. She still said no. Well, today I hung out with her for about an hour. She mentioned something about her cousin’s relationship and what she thought. It related to our situation, so I again brought up my concept that she should really be fair and take a risk just for a week and see where it goes. This time she still said no, but she said “Look, if you stop pushing, maybe next week or the week after I will change my mind and give you that chance, no promises, just saying that I am thinking about it.” So what do I do now? I love this girl so much. I can’t stop thinking about her and our time together. I miss everything about her. My main question: how do I approach this situation? She wants to be friends and hang out and do stuff. I think I could get her back if I could just show her the changes I’m making. Maybe that’s what she’s looking for? Help! I’m so heart broken!

  43. Sergio


    I’m sorry to hear about what happend. Just a few things; don’t go chasing after her. If she wants to be with you, she will. If you keep trying to convince her, it will only push you away. It makes you seem desperate. Women want a confident man. I can’t believe you took her back after her cheating on you the first time. Love can do that to you. I know you love her and I know you feel like you can’t live your life without her being in it. Trust me, I know the feeling. But like Alex said, you can’t let her control how you feel. You definitley cannot be friends with her. That does not work. You will only keep getting hurt. Just leave her alone and let her do her thing and I promise she will start calling you and wondering what you’re up too. You have to make her feel like you don’t need her. In actuality you don’t. It will hurt and you will probably feel like shit for the next couple weeks or so but don’t let her know how you are feeling. It’s her loss and she doesn’t deserve that. Good luck!

  44. Mike


    Thanks for your response. I know you are right about chasing her and that I am not going to do. I know I have changes to make and so I’m going to make them. I just wish I had been given the same opportunity as she was given. She asked for a chance, I gave it to her and she did a great job of making good on her promise to change her behavior. I am currently doing the same thing–changing the way I behave. Normally I’d be irate and upset at her, but I am blaming myself for all of this that has happened. I can see where I went wrong and I know it doesn’t do any good to blame her for things, so I’m not doing that. I will try to stay away from her entirely. It is going to hurt like crazy. My heart is already about to explode just thinking about it. I hurt so badly right now. I love this girl so much. For me, she is THAT person. She’s my best friend and she was my lover. Now I feel like I’ve lost a giant piece of my life.

  45. JON pullen

    Hi, Lots of great info on here. I just got in touch with my x-girl 3 days ago. I am curently with another woman now. She is with another man. we are both 30. Our spouses are in the high 40’s.. I have not stoped thinking about here since the day we broke up. How we broke up I’m not clear. But when I talk to her I catch her looking me up and down and I do the same to her. Or I will be smileing at her and she smiles back, then stops smileing if her boy friend sees. Anyone been in a situation like this. I want to get her alone witch is VERY hard and talk to her about my feelings for her. Is that a good idea or what? I don’t know what to do but I will end up freaking out and kissing her in front of everyone if I don’t do something soon.

  46. JON pullen

    Sorry I forgot to add I havent seen her for 4 years and we were together 7 years ago.. Every time we run into each other we laugh and have the best time.

  47. Mike

    A small update: Now she has been in contact with me. She says she’s not ready to give me a second chance, but she’s not completely opposed to the idea either. She says that right now she needs time to forgive me for my verbal assaults on her and she needs time to feel better about herself. She came to me about this on Thursday after the breakup. She said that if I don’t pressure her for a second chance (something I’m not doing) she could see a possibility of things working out. She basically said “We shall see what happens.” She says that she really likes the changes I’ve been making in the way I handle her. She says that if I had done this just a little bit sooner we would not be in this situation right now. What am I doing? Everytime we are talking, if she upsets me, instead of getting mad, I immediately replace the negative thought with a positive one. If I’m thinking “Damn, I can’t believe she just said THAT to ME!” I replace it with “She’s really beautiful and I love her smile” (mind you both the negative and positive thoughts are internal, not verbalized). It manages to change my attitude right away. I have not yelled at her for an entire week (a record). We have not fought for an entire week (another record). I told her today that I think the breakup was a good idea on her part. I said that it has probably saved both of us. I mentioned that IF we were to ever get back together again (and stressed that I might not even be open to that if and when the time came), I was certain that her actions in taking a stand and breaking up with me for how I was treating her would actually make the possibility of a successful relationship much more likely. She told me that she agreed with me 100%. My current plan is just to continue to treat her right, stay in contact as often as she actually contacts me, keeping my own contacting of her to a minimum and just waiting to see whether she comes around or not. What do you think of that plan?