How to Use Your Poker Skills to Get Popular with Women
I just got the chance to interview Daniel Harper, one of my friends from the dating and self-help community. He recently wrote a killer ebook about how to use some of the principles of successful poker players to become better with women.
In the interview, we cover the link between poker and dating, how Daniel has used his own theories, his thoughts on getting over an ex-girlfriend and what he’s up to next. Enjoy!
The link between poker and dating
“I discovered the link between poker and dating when I hit a major slump in my dating life after college that was so emotionally devastating that I gave up and threw myself into other activities to take my mind away from my failures with women. One of those activities was poker. This was right when the poker boom was beginning. Before that, I only knew the basics, but now there was suddenly all this information available–books, online poker forums, etc… I’m an extremely compulsive person when I get excited about something new, so I ended up being one of the few people who could consistently make money playing poker, but after a while I started to become depressed because I was still so lonely.
Even through all of the misfortune I was having with my failure to attract the kind of women I was interested in, I still felt that I had a lot to offer. So, for me at least, it wasn’t a matter of thinking there was something wrong with ME. It was that there was something wrong about the way I went about attracting women.”
Breaking down the game
“And so I decided to break my whole “game” down by taking a hard look not just at my actions, but also the mindset that drove them. Clearly I wasn’t doing something right. I wasn’t sure how to fix the problem, but I figured if I could identify what was going wrong, then I’d figure the rest out later.
Then it just sort of hit me out of nowhere how many similarities there are between successful poker players and guys who are successful in picking up women. And so what I did is model what I call my “recovery” after my approach to the game of poker.
The real advantage in this was that I already knew that I wasn’t a naturally gifted poker player. I was able to play winning poker NOT by making a bunch of amazing moves on my opponents, but rather by eliminating from my game most of the common mistakes that other players make.
Having that experience gave me a lot of confidence that this approach could work. Because for me it meant that you didn’t have to be a born winner with girls to find success in dating and romance.”
Daniel started using his own theories…
“My approach was the entire foundation for me rebuilding my love life. I’ve since refined some of it, so I can’t say I followed what’s in the guide word-for-word, but I definitely credit the poker principles I outline for my readers with helping me find and attract my wife, a lovely woman who’s absolutely perfect for me.
Here’s why: By the time I’d met my now-wife I’d gained a huge amount of confidence–and more importantly competency–in HOW to interact with women that I was interested in. Success builds success when it comes to dating and attraction. And what basing my dating life on fundamental poker principles and strategy helped me do was break the negative, confidence-destroying cycle that led me to be anxious around women instead of comfortable and at ease.”
Ex-girlfriend coping advice
“If I had a friend who had a hard time getting over his ex-girlfriend, this is what I would tell him: The first thing I’d tell him is to throw himself into some sort of self-improvement activity that’s just for HIM. Pick an activity that excites him, then set some goals around it. For example, if you’re a fan of mixed martial arts, go join an Jiu Jitsu class and set a goal of becoming a yellow belt in 6 months.
The reason I’d recommend this first is to put time and emotional distance between him and the old relationship. A lot of your buddies are going to tell you to just get out there and meet more women, but if a guy is relationship focused and has recently been through a painful breakup, then he’ll tend to bring all that baggage to the dating process.”
The clearing process
“I think there needs to be a clearing process that allows you to gain some emotional distance from your old relationship before you start thinking about finding a new girlfriend. And the reason is that you can’t have healthy relationships unless YOU are emotionally healthy.
The way you get here is analyzing and learning from your past mistakes, then growing and moving forward. But you can’t get there right on the heels of a breakup. You’re just too emotional to have the proper perspective.
This advice ties in pretty closely to my overarching philosophy about attraction, dating and relationships–and it’s that all of these things are skills which can be improved with training and dedication. Some guys are just born “getting” it, which is frustrating to the 90% of us who aren’t. But the good news is that it doesn’t have to be our destiny. Men CAN have success with women if they’re willing to be honest about what’s holding them back and work hard at improving their weaknesses.”
What Daniel is up to next…
“Right now I’ve got baby number 2 on the way, due here around Halloween. So that’s the big excitement in my life. I’m also roughing out an outline for a product that specifically targets the needs of men 40 and older who’d like to find themselves a nice woman to settle down with in a long term relationship, but don’t know how to go about it.
What I’m finding is that this is a demographic that gets overlooked by dating and pickup “gurus” because the advice they’re giving is so much more effective for guys in their 20’s and 30’s. I know this because the first thing I do is ask readers of my newsletter to fill out a short survey about their challenges and frustrations.
Hearing directly from other guys has been an eye-opening experience for me and has definitely influenced the kind of content I focus on.
It’s funny, you’d think that most guys just want to hear about how they can score with as many women as possible. But that’s not the case. What most guys want is to find the right woman and stay with her for life. I find that encouraging, actually. And I think other men should, too. The cheap hook-ups are fun, but nothing brings more happiness to your life than finding the right woman.”
Note from Alex: If you want to learn more about what Daniel has to teach, you should definitely check out his smashing new ebook called “Stacking the Deck – A Poker Player’s Guide to Winning With Women“. (Disclaimer: affiliate link)