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How to Respond and Act When Your Ex Suddenly Contacts You Again

So your ex called... What now? So your ex called... What now?

“Maybe in the next post you can cover what to do/not to do when your ex does contact you. I’m in the boat right now and not sure what to make of this unexpected ‘how are you?’ from her.”

This was the comment on the last post 7 Ways to Stop Waiting For Your Ex to Text or Call left by my name brother Alex.

I have been in the exact same situation several times. Perhaps I am not over her yet. Maybe I am kind of in the greyland. Maybe I have already moved on. Whatever my situation may be, the phone rings: it’s her.

She’s simply calling me up to hear how I am doing. She asks me how I have been.

The phone call can go in many directions, but in my experience most often it leads to a rather pleasant conversation. You strike up some old memories, laugh and underneath it all, there still lies some sexual tension.

When you hang up, you feel good. You may even have a slight smirk on your face. But then it hits you: what did it mean? And your mind starts to work on high speed to process all these new thoughts.

What now?

Does she want to get back together? Did you say something wrong? And you also start to question whether you’re really over her or not. A call like that can really stir up your mind, and usually be pretty confusing when you start thinking about it.

In this post, I am going to give you some simple solutions to cope with these rather normal problems.

The advice that’s going to flow through the whole of the article is this: don’t think too much about it.

Overanalyzing

What many guys are prone to do is to over-analyze things. That’s our nature. The ability to analyze like that gives us many strengths and opportunities, but it also has it downsides. One of the most noticeable is that the energy you spend on analyzing, let’s just take the phone call as an example, is taken away from other activities in your life.

And when analyzing something, especially when it comes to an (ex) girlfriend, there’s a tendency to go way overboard with it. There comes a point where there’s just nothing more to add, and that’s the point where most guys go wrong.

They keep on thinking about it, even though there’s nothing more to think about!

You don’t have to be a scientist to understand why that’s not useful. As I said before, the energy you spend thinking about something is taken away from other tasks at hand.

This premise, that guys over-analyze stuff like ex’s contacting them again, is not to be taken lightly.

Because when there is nothing more to add, they will most likely, unconscious about it, make something up. And the most common thing to “make up” is the hope and belief that she wants to get back together.

This is where it gets tricky.

Getting back together?

Do you really want to get back together?

Ponder this question. Your first answer might be yes – that’s natural (also from a biological point of view). In your prehistoric brain, sex is goood. Sex makes babies. Babies make you pappa. Pappa is goood. Pappa means passing on genes!

You get the point.

But when you really give it some thought, what you most likely will come up with is that no, you don’t want to get back together. The reasons are not what important, the important thing is that you can actually feel, way down, that you’re not supposed to be with each other.

beach girl skirt

Everything happens for a reason

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and when life throws something hard at you, like heartbreak with an (ex) girlfriend, it’s an opportunity to grow. Whether it’s God or the Universe or whatever you call it who “throws it at you”, it’s an opportunity. It’s a help in direction, an unknown force lending you some help in choosing the right path.

Or maybe this force tells you that you have taken a dead end, and that you must go a few steps back to walk the new path.

I like this analogy, because it’s easy to understand, and it makes everything not only happen for a reason, but also for the greater good. It actually says that whatever happens, it’s for the best.

Fight or flee, it’s your choice

That doesn’t mean that you should blindly accept anything life or God throws at you – sometimes you need to fight.

And the only way to know when it’s right to fight is to listen. Listen to yourself; listen to your heart.

I know that I am threading on deep waters here, but I just thought that this simple advice can help some people, as it has helped me. Anyway, let’s get back to the concrete talk on how to respond and act when an ex girlfriend contacts you again.

It didn’t mean anything

I think that the most important thing you can focus on if you’re having thoughts about you and your ex again after a call, is that it didn’t mean anything.

Don’t try to figure out why she did it – you can’t. You will never know, and it really doesn’t matter.

The important thing is that it has no meaning; she could have had millions of reasons to contact you. Maybe she was struck by the thought that you were sick, maybe she missed you, maybe she felt alone or maybe she had an abundance of energy and had to use it on something… and the list goes on.

You see what we’re doing here? We’re over-analyzing things. And it doesn’t lead anywhere at all! It’s 100% unnecessary.

So I really want you to try to stop over-analyzing. Don’t force it; just tell yourself that your thoughts are just that – merely thoughts.

You are not your thoughts

You are not your brain or your thoughts, you are you. Nothing more, nothing less.

The actual conversation

As for the actual conversation, just be casual and friendly. Politely answer her questions and keep the conversation going, but don’t stay on it for too long, especially if you’re uncomfortable with the situation.

If the conversation drags on, simply tell her that you have to go. It was nice chatting – goodbye and have a good day.

It’s as easy as that.

And don’t start flirting too much, either. You don’t want to send the wrong signals, do you?

Here are 6 easy tips to handle your ex contacting you again:

  • Be cool. It’s easier said than done, but do your best to keep your cool. Don’t be over excited to hear from her, just be laid back about it. Relax!
  • It didn’t mean anything. Don’t start over-analyzing. She called you, you talked, and that’s it.
  • Move on. She most likely has.
  • Don’t secretly wish that you’re going to get back together. You most likely won’t, and if you do, it will most likely fail. Really ask yourself why. Write it down, get it out.
  • Learn. Everything is an opportunity to learn something about yourself. So is this. You’ll get some profound self-understanding if you keep your mind open to it.
  • Be honest. This is my evergreen advice. Be honest with her, and be honest with yourself. Real honest. Not some bullshit “Maybe / I think” stuff, no. That doesn’t cut it.

That’s it guys.

Let me hear your thoughts on the article below.

Also, I highly encourage you to check out my book called “The Ex-Girlfriend Solution”. It includes everything you ever wanted to know about getting over your ex and moving on with your life. It takes you right from the break-up to your new relationship, and it answers all the questions I get all the time, like “what to do if she wants to be friends”, “how to avoid being distracted by thoughts about her”, “how to fall asleep when I miss her” etc… Read more about it here!

Photos by aphasiafilms and Grace.

115 thoughts on “How to Respond and Act When Your Ex Suddenly Contacts You Again

  1. Alex

    Haha awesome! I feel privileged for having you answer my question. Thanks!

    Here’s a riddle for ya:

    I got a message from my ex with what seemed like a good vibe. She told me about how things have been with her, apologized for not getting in touch sooner and finished with “..would love to hear from you..”.

    We split on good terms, even if it was rather surprising to me that it ended. Anyway I was kind of surprised by her use of words in the email. Apologizing, saying she’d love to hear from me?

    I gave it some thought and replied a day or so later with a short, upbeat reply. I commented on her happenings, asked a question or two, talked a bit about what has been up with me and that was it. Short and in my opinion sweet.

    I’ll be honest the thought of her, perhaps, changing her mind about us was kind of sweet, but I didn’t lose any sleep waiting for her to reply. Which was a good move, because it’s been over a week and I still haven’t heard from her.

    What gives? Why contact me and then not respond at all?

    Not that I care … haha :P jk
    I care … to learn!

    Reply
  2. Victor

    Hey Alex, sounds like maybe she was having a rough moment and something made her think of you. The fact that she didn’t reply makes it seem as if her temporary sadness passed or maybe she wanted to test and see if you would reply… Who knows, don’t worry about it bud!

    Maybe your upbeat reply made her feel even worse, which is why she won’t reply?

    Reply
  3. justin

    Alex, I really hate it when girls do this. The absolutely only reason she contacted you was to find out if you still like her or if she could “get you”. That’s all she wants. She is insecure and needs the validation from you that she is worthy.
    If you find out something bad happened and that’s why she didn’t respond, then you can say I’m wrong. One week puts this in the can.

    Reply
  4. Alex

    Guys, guya, guys… Stop the discussion, it doesn’t matter! That’s the whole point.

    I’m glad, Alex, that you “didn’t lose any sleep” over it. Thank goodness :-)

    Reply
  5. Jake

    Good stuff guys. I totally agree with everything Alex said. The timing on this post is so funny. A few weeks ago I got an email from my ex on my birthday.

    I had not seen or been in contact with her for months, so to see her name in my inbox was kinda weird. She and I had dated for 3 years, it ended, she moved on, I was crushed for a long time blah blah blah…you know the story. Anyway,the subject of the email had nothing to do with my birtday at all. She basically said that she had cancelled a membership to one of those bulk item grocery stores and didn’t want me to go there and not have the card work. She also said that she hoped I was doing well, etc… I could tell she wrote it on her blackberry.

    At first, I’ll admit it, it bothered me. I was thinking to myself, “She knows it’s my birthday…why did she have to send me that today? Why not tomorrow? Why not yesterday?”

    Suddenly I felt the urge to write something really sarcastic and snippy to her, but I didn’t. I was over-thinking it. Sure, she might have just sent a friendly email or she may have been fucking with me to try to get a response. But you know what? I realized I was overthinking it, deleted the email without replying, and went out and had myself a ton of drinks and enjoyed my birthday. So what if in fact she was trying to fuck with me? I’ll never know for sure anyway, so it didn’t matter.

    So just heed the advice Alex has given. Over thinking shit can lead to too many problems and possibly some regrettable choices made when you over-thought something to death and have convinced yourself that you “must do something.”

    You don’t.

    Reply
  6. Justin E

    I really admired my ex for sticking religiously to no contact for 8 weeks, she was much better at it than me, but out of the blue yesterday i got a text from her ( i thought she had deleted my number but amazingly not) which was weird, it said “glad you’re sorting yourself out, when will we see you again?”.
    Strange, not sure what to make of it, ive thought and thought and thought about it, over-analyzing it for hours and hours trying to get behind the meaning…who has she spoken to? why did she say “we” etc etc. Gone over it a thousand times, ive thought up endless sarcastic and inquisitie replies and in the end ive done…nothing…undoubtedly the best option. I’m not playing up to her, whatever she’s up to, leave her be, she’s messing with me…after 8 weeks i can finally see straight…don’t feed her power or ego, i’m not replying, that should stump her…i’m gone baby, onwards and upwards to better things.

    Reply
  7. Michael

    Alex,

    Thank you for this advice. I just went through this. I left her alone for 3 months then she started calling. I put my foot down, because I know what she is all about now. I said some hurtful things, but they were held up in side. You don’t break someones heart over and over again, and then just walk back into their life. She clearly doesn’t understand that simple logic. It took courage. I have always let people walk all over me in the past, but I am done. It’s spring and I just rode 75 miles on my new Cannondale. Moving on…

    Kindest regards,
    Michael

    Reply
  8. Will

    I’ve got to say, I’ve been in the exact situation you guys are in. You guys are handling it like champs! Let’s just say I handled things less… gracefully. But seeing you guys in the exact same position, and respond with strength, honesty, and knowledge really does alot for me.
    One thing I did after the big breakup, I took up kung fu, swing dancing, anything I could to make myself more interesting. It’s the best thing I could ever have done.
    Kung Fu has done so much to balance life. So if another guy reads this, follow the path blazed by these guys. Dont stop there, take it a step further and live the life you’ve always wanted.
    Since the breakup, I’ve taken up a martial art, learned how to dance, got a rock band together and opened for a major band, swapped out to a new career, read books and gotten into hobbies I never would have.
    Be the rockstar you want to be. You just have to build it brick by brick.
    Good luck!

    Reply
  9. blaxican

    im really happy to readall this info, and let me tell you guys im so proud of my self, when she broke up with me, i felt like the world just stop spinning…then i went back to the gym, killing my self for 3 hours everyday, i got into a good shape, and where i work all the ladies were hitting on me…i looked up to the sky and i thanked god for the opportunity, you gotta get the man outta you, there is no bad without the good or viceversa…if you want to cry, drink, and be a potatoe couch…fine go for it…but!!! when the time is right and you look back at yourself you will just go like ” fuck this im stronger than all this crap”…you will stand up and recharge your batteries and kick some butt….we all can da whatever the hell we want…look at the mayan egyptians they did pyramids dude!!! and you can not make a man out of you? lol…think about it bro!!! life is beautiful!!!
    cheers fellas!!!
    viva la familia!

    Reply
  10. MJ

    Alex,
    Thank you…SO much for your honest yet sensitive advice. You speak the truth but understand how the heart works.
    Every post on this site is of guys recalling random reunions with exes. I am a young female, peaking my golden years (aka the awesome twenties) and I may not know much about love, but I know what heartbreak feels like.

    We had a connection-mostly physical, but there was undeniable chemistry in how we spoke, acted, played, etc. We had “something” for about 8 months. Little did I know he had also had something with 3 other girls-all of whom I was familiar with. I ended it with him. I didnt yell or cry. I simply told him that I deserved better. And hung up.
    …3 months later (actually yesterday) he contacted me, asking me how I was, what’s going on in my life, etc. I deleted his number long ago, and Im sure he figured it out. I debated whether to ignore him, or be mature and tell him how happy I really am with my life….an hr later, I replied, in one sentence said how good things are.” Then oops, I got comfortable, and asked him how he was. He replied. I left it at that.

    Men overanalyze, but females are just as bad, if not worse, because we incorporate emotions into every decision and pursuit. At this point, I honestly dont know what to do. Im ready to move on, but would love to tell him how horrible he was. Like Alex said, does it really matter? Why must we try to control everything all the time?

    Reply
  11. dani

    Ok guys.. so what if your ex is pregnant with your twins? And you know this when the break up occurred, but did not feel like working things out. What if the guy texts “how r u?” a week and half after seeing her and it took three days for the girl to respond, and when she did she told him about a dr. appointment and apologized that it took so long to respond, that she’d been busy working on things,its been hard facing her emotions but she’s ok and hope they could get together soon to talk about the future of their babies… and now, he is not responding? Why? Just giving it back to her or what? To be honest the text from the guy took the girl by surprise and didn’t know how to respond. After all, she had dreams of starting a family with this guy and he ripped it away from her because he decided he was ready for a relationship. What timing, huh?

    Reply
  12. OMARI

    thnx alex, you have really helped me out on this one because everything you said, i was not doing. I know exactly how to deal with her now.

    Reply
  13. thankgod

    Nice post! I just got out of a 5 1/2 year relationship. She broke my heart, i lost family friends. After all that she never could give me reason why. Its because i really never did anything wrong. Its weird how guys have to have an answer for everything when the the real reason is that she didn’t feel the same way anymore, just that simple. anyways…

    fuck her! after the first few weeks of her calling and breaking me down i finally told her i cant live like this and she was kill me, i was killing myself. I cut all ties with her and my friends that took her side, and i know what ur thinking that these are your friends. let me tell u something, friends that you have known since ur were in diapers and still to this day havent talked to me since my ex left me, something around 5 or 6 months ago, are not real friends so fuck them too! oh yeah they hang out with her all the time, i only know because our parents are friends. And fuck them too!

    I did the best thing i could ever do, never talk to her. i changed my number, i don’t go places that i i will see her. I simply don’t want to see her ever again. I just finally got contact from her, bitch knows my email!!! she wanted to give me something stupid that make no difference.

    in the email she put “i know im the last person you want to talk to”. pause… then why in the hell are you emailing me?. time in… “i try calling but it seems that you got a new number”. pause… then why in the hell are you emailing me? time in… i dont care that is why i did not send her anything. and yes i hope she sits there thinking about me not resopnding to her then she will feel 1 100000000000th of what she put me through.

    i know i sound like im angry and still pissed off, the truth is i have never sat down and wrote any of my feeling out, and ill tell you what its hard to stop when you get rolling. the truth is i’m very happy with my life now i have only grown so much. since her i workout everyday, i read, i sleep well, i’m much more aware of who i am as a person, i have a drive, i smile, im playful, im happy, and i live for a purpose…me

    thank you for being the best and then the worst and then the best part of my life. thank you.

    Reply
  14. brent

    my ex broke up with me after 5.5 years 2 months ago and when we broke up she said “i know we will eventually get back together and get married, we just need to experience being single”. For pretty much the same amount of time we have been in NC and she has contacted me the last 3 weeks in a row. i responded to the first one very briefly, but i have not responded or called back to her last 2 attempts to contact me the last 2 weeks. her last text message was “glad ur doing well”, thats a pretty stupid thing to say since i havent talked to her or seen her since we broke, so how would she know this anyways and even if she did know why would she feel like she has to tell me shes glad. im not really looking for answers, im just saying its stupid, cuz shes a stupid person.i just wish when our exs break up with us that they stay away from us and leave us alone

    Reply
  15. rob

    this page has really helped me to move on today, i have also been in a relationship with the one i would have done anything for, we split about 4 months ago after a 5 year relationship and i have managed to meet someone else who has a lot more in common with me, funny what we settle for after a while ! anyway, the thing is, she called me the other night and i was stupid enough to answer it, she asked me what i wanted to do about my bed that i left at her place and then told me she was with a new guy, as if i want that bed back lol… it brought a lot of memories flooding back and even some anger, my advice is to ignore all forms of contact, you wont regret it, cheers…

    Reply
  16. rob

    if she is your ex then you shouldn’t have to give her anything, i wouldn’t give her the time of day, she’s an ex now so move on…

    Reply
  17. Yoeri

    Broken up for a month and a half about now, did every freakin’ thing wrong. Begging, pleading, professing eternal love etc. Last time was in a weekend I was drunk and had a bad moment, took my cell and text her. Love you miss you you made me better and blabla. The next day called her to say I acted as an idiot and I should’n have. If she wanted to talk about it I would hear it. No contact again, few days later on msn she asks how I am etc. Acted cool but not cold. Even though she said I was ‘short’ if you know what I mean. Told her that it was only in her mind, nothing else. Didn’t bring up the relationship in ANY way. She told me she still thinks alot about my mother (who has cancer) and she wished she could do something about it and she can’t because she isn’t around anymore at my place and stuff, and that I schould give her regards to my mother. And my brother and sister and uncle and practically everybody in my family she summed up. Strange man. But I’m just getting to the point that I understand that this no contact thing is FOR ME, and feeling better each day. I’m not going to make something of this conversation although I find it hard not to.

    Women, they are truly another species.

    Yoeri

    Reply
  18. rob

    stay strong yoeri, no contact will achieve one of two things, 1: she will never contact you again and thats a good thing and 2: you will hear from her again and you can tell her to go fuck herself ! i know that sounds harsh but it will save you a lot of trouble in the long run, these women are narcissists and will pray on your every emotion, you will find another to replace her in time but this time you are being by yourself is about you working on you ! get fit, find new friends, start boxing, certainly helped me and i have met lots of new people to hang out with, in the end its her loss mate, we have all been there, stay strong brother !

    rob from oz !

    Reply
  19. Ricky T

    my ex of 2 months contacted me via facebook private message last week. basically i deleted her off facebook 3 weeks ago because i couldn’t cope with seeing pictures of her with a new guy. about a month ago she messaged me saying how she was sorry i had seen some pictures of her and this other guy on facebook and that she never planned to get with someone so fast…… but that it was serious and that she was sorry we didnt work out. she wanted to stay in touch and be friends blah blah blah. i replied just saying that i still loved and care for her and that i just wanted her to be happy. i said i wanted to keep in touch as well….. she kept sending messages back trying to justify why she broke up with me and that she thought we had something so special blah blah blah. anyway im getting carried away so yeah she messaged me last week saying – “i thought you said you would always be there for me and wanted to stay in touch rick? x” . obviously she realised i had deleted her off facebook. i decided not to reply but i cant help but over analyze it. someone also told me the other day that she has made her relationship with the new guy official. im just realy confused.

    Reply
  20. Ricky T

    when i say ex of 2 months i mean we were together for over a year but have been broke up for 2 months

    Reply
  21. canali

    I have an even better suggestion: don’t pickup when the bitch calls …that way there if no “energy” being unnecessarily used.

    Reply
  22. canali

    In other words get call display…and if you don’t have it and you p/u and its her then say you’re busy then politely hang up…do this a few times and she will get the point.

    Reply
  23. canali

    I just got an email from my ex girlfriend (we broke up sept/08) a few moments ago…my heart was shattered…she then met some ‘friend’ a few months later and got married only 1 month ago..

    ”Hi J
    Hope all is well. I just got a Blue Mountain e-card reminder of your anniversary for June 22nd? Which got me thinking about you. Haven’t heard from you in a long while, and was wondering how you are doing. I do hope your life is filled with joy and happiness. Drop me a line and let me know. Take care and all the best, L”

    don’twish to respond to be honest….just brings up memories and hurt

    you see what I mean: No Contact is the way to go (at least for now)… this email from her just messes me up and if one ever goes that route of breaking up then touching base later, it will mess you up emotionally too….esp now when there is another ‘letting go’ happening (finding a new apt)…..trust me it never works….No Contact means No Contact…sure in a few yrs I might revisit things but not ’til then….of course she’s in a ‘zen’ like state being ‘happily married’ and all that.

    PS don’t know what blue mtn card she’s referring to however, btw.

    Reply
  24. Tegan

    It’s amazing how similar it is for men and women… I’m going through the same thing with my ex at the moment since he just moved back to our home town… my thing is why, if you’re so over me, have moved on with someone else, can’t you just leave me alone? Why invite me out for a drink and YES… why did I go? Anyway, just cancelled plans to meet him for a movie. Moving swiftly along. This too shall pass… right?

    Reply
  25. canali

    Tegan: so what happened at your meeting with the ex? Did it bring closure or stir up stuff?…days later how are you feeling? …

    and as per exes: when they contact us, who says we have to reply or talk to them?…There are no ‘good manners’ rules when it comes to heartbreak and healing IMO…(not saying to be rude, don’t misunderstand me)..but who says unequivocably that we have to pickup when the phone rings…or stay on after we realize who it is (‘sorry i’m in just heading out the door’…is a good one) or to reply to their emails or cards…they can go to hell…as one saying said: ”friends can be lovers; but seldom can lovers become friends”

    Reply
  26. Annina

    I’m not a guy, but I read your column.
    And I will apologize right now for the length of this :/

    Just four months my ex and I broke up permanently after breaking up and getting back together three times previously.

    Truth be told, I am only 16, but I can assure you I’m quite mature for my age – I always have been.

    Anyway, the first few times he said it was because he was going off to college and because it’s in San Antonio (only 3 fucking hours away), and ’cause he just parties too much and wouldn’t have time to see me?

    I wondered about this for such a long time… he’ll make time for parties but not me? Why wouldn’t he just take me WITH him to a party? Then it occurred to me; he just wants to get laid around for his last summer.

    So finally I got it out of him that he broke up with me because he was “Guaranteed he would cheat on me. When you’re drunk you just want to fuck something.”

    It’s been four months and my ex texted me out of nowhere saying “I’m on my way home with 3 chicks – it’s gonna be fun.”
    I didn’t reply. A week later he IM’s me saying he’s hoping to pick up some girls at this club that I was about to leave to go to… he ended up showing up there and made sure that I saw him leave with a girl.

    What’s up with all of this bullshit?
    Is it just as simple as he’s making me jealous to see if I still care about him?
    Or am I doing what you’re telling us not to and over-analyzing it?

    Reply
  27. Lauren

    I hate him because he broke my heart . But I still have feelings for him . I want to be mean to him cause I dont want to have nothing to with him because I may encounter more feelings for him. Should I still be nice and freindly?

    Reply
  28. kathy

    Im a female, and Im in this exact situation. my ex and I brokeup about 5 weeks ago. Although the breakup was mutual, I feel terrible about the way things were left between us. he didnt even say anything when I said goodbye and walked away. We havent had any contact since. well,I did send him a text 3 or 4 days after we brokeup, asking how he was doing- but he didnt respond. and then to make matters worse, I sent a text to one of my girlfriends the next day telling her how I was in bad shape over the breakup- just to realize to my horror later that day, that I had accidently sent it to my ex instead!(maybe it was a froidian slip) But even that didnt get a response. Ive had good days and Ive had bad days with the moving on part- but over all I know in my heart that this was the right thing for us both. Then the other night I was sitting on my porch with a friend(a guy)and a car that looked an afwul lot like my exs, passed my house several times. the last time it parked for a moment across the street, and then speed off. of course, it could have been that i just wanted it to be him. coincedently the next afternoon i received a text from him saying he had found my nightgown. Talk about over analyzing! Guys are not the only ones that do it.There could have been a million reasons why he sent it.I dont know what I should do.I badly want to talk to him again- but I dont want to get caught up in playing emotional games either. The text wasnt even a question. So unless I just really want my nightgown back, I think that I just shouldnt respond at all. But is that being cold??? I dont want to be mean or hurtful.

    Reply
  29. Tammy

    Hi,
    I have been with a guy for almost 1year.I am madly in love with him…But he always used to say that he too likes me,but not that intensely as mine. He always wanted me to be in touch with him as a special friend. I broke up with him after a year…when i made him to confess that u say that..u never loved me and let me go gently…he replied…”I liked you , but never loved u”. We were not in contact for almost 1 month. But, he keeps on checking my facebook for my updates during no-contact. One day he emailed me..asking about my health. As from FaceBook, he got to know that I was suffering bad health lately. I havenot replied to him yet…I want him to realize his love for me and come back to me…what should I do?
    Also, I know he loves me..there were several instances that made me to feel that way…but he is afraid of commitments which he may not able to keep due to family n all.. plz help…thanks

    Reply
  30. canali

    tammy:
    block him completely on facebook…that way he can’t access you..also check your filters so only ‘friends’ can access anything about you….you can also block him on hotmail (see options and ‘blocked senders’ list) as well as MS outlook…if you really want to end NC you CAN…otherwise you’re just letting yourself get strung along.

    i didn’t reply to my ex for over a yr…she contacts me in july…asking how i am (she got married a few mo earlier) and hoping myh life is filled with joy/happiness and to drop her a line to let her know” oh, yeah,…fuck you….a whole myriad of feelings came up: anger, sadness, longing, regret…you know the gig…i will NEVER contact her again….sure in a few yrs when I’m over it and bump into her i might be in a better spot to have a chitchat and coffee, but maybe then too I’ll be really really over her and won’t give a shit so will just smile, say ‘hi’ and move on ’cause i’m late’ for some (imaginary BS) appt….but who knows.

    Reply
  31. canali

    also when you block someone on facebook it does something good for you too: when you type in their name in the search field (on those days when you’re ‘weak’) it does NOT bring up their name…so a win-win both ways: you can’t access them and they can’t access you.

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  32. Eric

    Keep in mind that these encounters are more meaningless for your future than getting a call from a complete stranger. More confusing because of your history with this person, but meaningless to your future because that history will always be in the way. Put your energy into things that are more meaningful.

    Reply
  33. Susan

    Wow! Just reading all these comments are definitely giving me a clear head on how to act on an email I received from my ex that I haven’t heard from in a year. I been researching (doing the over analyzing everyone is saying) trying to figure out what to say to my ex who has contacted me. He broke up with me and yes it hurt very badly, especially when he lied about the reason for the break up (I found out that I was the rebound in the relationship later). Anyhow, i hadn’t heard from him in a year, then all of a sudden, out the clear blue, he sends me an email over this past thanksgiving holiday just making casual conversation and informing me what’s been going on in his life and etc. and had the nerve to leave me his 2 of his phone numbers to call him if I want to talk.

    I’ve been debating on whether to call him or just reply a short message to his email, but after reading all of your comments, I’ve made the decision to just to “leave the past in the past.” A part of me just want to know those unanswered questions, but I part of me doesn’t want to as it would hurt me all over again. I’ve hurted for so long and it took time for me to recover and move one, therefore I don’t want to set myself up again for another down fall. I’ve been dating this guy who has been really good for me and sooo good to me and I am loving it.

    One of the ladies stated that that us women are most likely worse at overanalyzing when it comes to this because we involve emotions into it…I believe that is absolutely true. I think we dwell on this matter long than men…me for instance, spending hours on a computer for the last 3 days researching an answer…absolutely ridiculous!!! Like Alex said, basically, IT IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT OR CRUCIAL…IT TAKES WAY TO MUCH ENERGY ON OVERANALYZING ON SOMEONE WHO IS REALLY JUST TRYING TO GET A RISE OUT OF YOU OR PLAY YOU LIKE A TUNE WITH NO INTENTIONS…I WILL NOT BE NOTES BEING PLAYED.

    To all you gentlemen and ladies, I appreciate your experiences and advice and that you have shared on here…it has truly helped me rest at my decision not to even respond to his request. You all kept it real and I really like that. I wish I could always find answers to a lot of my issues this simple. lol! May you all have a wonderful and stress free life. :)

    Reply
  34. michael

    me and my ex just started speaking after 3 months. i messed up the first call, i called her, she cried for a few moments. and of course i took this as a sign? she told me she never wanted to be with me. this began on the 24 nov.2010. i sought advice. and was told not call. so ididnt, dec.2 she called back. we talked for over an hr. i messed up again. should have cut it short. our last words that we did not want to be the couple that didnt end wrong. i want her back…. we were married then divorced, started dating 3 weeks after that was final no attorneys ect… she also said that she wanted to only speak once a week…. now this norning 8am… our conversation left me feeling better than i have felt in years. i love you and i always will. ur awesome im so glad we can be friends. what do i do next, i love this chick with all my heart, please, michael

    Reply
  35. Keiss

    Hi Guys
    I dated my ex for 7 long years. The last two years we decided to adopted a cat from Human Society. 2 months later the cat gave birth to 5 sick and deformed kittens. 3 kettens died and now end up with two. The cats start to pee, poo and hair all over my clothes, food, sofa, walls and floors. she refused to give me away.she is a student in deth over $100,000. last year we were arguing and slowly lost respect for each other. I moved out and week later I crawled back asking for forgiveness. she said she will think about it. I did everything you can imagine to get her back. Emails, text. calls. I sat one day and thaught to myself is she really the girl i want to spead the rest of my life with? she clearly doesnt give a shit about my feeling, needs, and the love I have for her. She told me few time to move out if I dont like living like this.I didnt call her for 9 days and all the sudden she called to wish me Merry Xmass. my emotions went back to squre one. I decided to not contact her every again. She doesnt really value the relationship we had togather. now she is living with three sick cats who poo, pee all over her apartment.
    I try to move on but I keep thinking about the good times we had and hope that we might get back to gather one day. I really dont know what to think right now. I dont even know if I love her or i miss living to gather for three years.

    Reply
  36. eddie

    tonight….I received a call from my ex…my heart started pumping extremely fast….I got nervous and decided not to answer the call…I honestly think about her everyday……and miss her…but some of the stuff she has done to me was way out of line…that’s the main reason I didn’t answer…..but its been six months and I still can’t get over her…what do I do….any ideas would help
    thanks, eddie

    ps…if you can write to me using my end mail…here it is under12armour@aol.com

    Reply
  37. Kevin Flynn

    Too many poors souls for me to address all of you but I so feel your pain and have been right there. I can say at 40, I’ve realized your present state of mind is entirely your own doing. (Or undoing.)
    This one is @ Michael:
    That whole “Glad you’re sorting yourself out” is quintessential female gibber… They totally operate in that snide zone. she’s basically putting words in your mouth. a)Did YOU tell her you’re just peachy and “working myself out” nope. b)Even if that were the case, how is you not contacting her saying that?
    What that statement really reads is “I can see you are moving on just fine w/o me.”
    That also reads into:
    “You didn’t cave so clearly you’ve gotten over me”
    That high maintenance cat-mouse game SOME women insist on enforcing… Michael you couldn’t have called it better. ON TO BIGGER AND BETTER. Why? Because I’ve got a few chickens that prove to me there’s those than insist you do the heavy lifting and others who will do the chasing…

    These head-case chicks above in this thread… NOT WORTH IT.. @ the time it seems they are the only hot piece of a$$ around… just go to a mall and you will be plenty distracted of thoughts of Mrs. Hot Pants.
    Like the website… plenty of fish…
    Now for those of you who are in a bad place.. I know it’s hard & her being w/ another man is probably the last thing you want to think about but try to focus on what drove you apart in the 1st place. This will help. Also know that there really are better women out there. I have been with these types (and the other kind, the good nice kind, DONT ever call their ex boyfriends. EVER)and it’s really not worth the sweat.

    Here is what I have done when (if) they call/contact me:
    I catch up.
    I am honest with my feelings.
    I entertain a possible “2nd try” in conversation only.
    I let them know how they’ve left me feeling.
    I make it clear that I am trying to get on my feet, get over the hurt and move on w/ my life.

    The reason I am this way when it happens is because regardless of the legitimate nature of the poster’s viewpoint, there is always a common denominator.
    He’s right, you will never know and it could be a million things, but it will ALWAYS be about them, not you, that they call… that you can bank on.

    Such as
    “I need to feel good and him groveling will do that for me”
    “I miss us, I shouldn’t have hurt him, I need to feel better about this decision”
    “I really need to cry on his shoulder, he was always there for me”
    “I need this pr1ck to suffer more!”
    etc..
    point is…”I need”
    It’s 99% going to not be about you.
    It’s the nature of this type of woman. (the type that will call an ex and potentially re-open some fresh wounds)
    The girl I was most recently with, she’d NEVER do that, and she always put me and others first. Just a great, good natured first class woman. Someone that even if they hurt you, you somehow feel good and say “She’s a good person” and realize that it doesn’t have to be a bad painful thing.

    Women that leave you feeling that way are simply selfish, cruel and have no real capacity to love a man or even care enough to see their end of things to learn what they need.
    It’s all about them.. some signs she is this woman

    1)she’s really hot or somewhat hot
    2)she gets a lot of attention from men, especially sexually
    3)You feel as though you were doing most of the “work” when you were together. (you called more, persued more, etc)
    4)Her apologies almost always included some sort of physical reward.
    5)Things, plans, etc. were always arranged to HER convenience not yours…

    Sometimes it’s not so obvious but those are the more concrete examples.

    My main point of that excursion was the common denominator. It’s the “me me me” factor that allows me to take that course of action when they call you. Capitolize on that! Use it for your OWN gain. Not to get with her but to ease YOUR pain. Don’t be cruel, just be useful in your time. Don’t ask “So have you met someone yet?”
    Don’t play guilt trips either with woe is me business..”I can’t take this anymore!” no… things like…
    “You know I really think about you a lot”
    or
    “I am glad that we have had this time. It allowed me to get my head on straight. I hope you can forgive me for x y z”
    “You know we should maybe catch up at lunch some day. Somewhere well lit and highly crowded. I just want to see your face again and know that things are okay on your end”
    in other words, BE A FRIEND. This is the best play of all. It not only neutralizes any ill motives on her part, it will practically make her want you AND it will be good for your well being. Not to mention it’s the next evolutionary step in your relationship w. her..
    Don’t kid yourself. Ex is a form of relationship. you can have an ex who is an enemy, a non-communication, or a friend… why not shoot for friend and maybe you can get some lemonade out of the deal even if it is platonic.

    Frankly, it’s almost impossible when you’re in the thick of it and unfortunately it typically takes the distraction of another woman to really snap you out of things, but the heart is an entirely different matter than just sheer desire… when that’s the topic, “handle with care” is the best policy.

    Take care gentlemen and remember, Going for a stalemate will ALWAYS beat an opponent going for a single piece.
    Counterpunch.
    -peace!

    Reply
  38. Kevin Flynn

    @EDDIE
    Sorry for the additional post but I saw that and really felt the need to assist.

    It’s a rough ride getting off the bull but try this, it has worked for me.

    ANY empass I reach in life “Take this job or not?” no matter what it is, I play “Magic Wand”
    I pretend I have a magic wand and it will make any wish come true. I then decide what I would do in THAT scenario rather than worry about WHICH scenario.

    Example…
    Bumming about ex. (6mos is a while but I’ve done 2years of misery! so look at the bright side)
    So wave a wand. She comes over, throws her arms around you and begs you for forgiveness and to come back..
    use that thinking.. dream about that and REALISTICALLY as possible play out that scenario… you can easily make that happen…. but as the poster states… do you really want that?

    The silver lining you have may not be thick enough to sustain.. whatever the out of line deed was, percentages favor a repeat performance. (see scorpion and frog fable)

    Tough it out. Call her back. BE THE FRIEND.
    If you do that, the next post will be “SHIT SHE WANTS ME BACK WHAT DO I DO?” well if you played magic wand two turns beforehand you’d already have a plan of attack.

    So START there.. I learned that from chess and from Royce Gracie, founding fighter in the UFC. He trained ON THE GROUND AT A DISADVANTAGE. After all that’s the worst case in a fight. Guy on top of you, you on your back getting pounded. THAT IS WHERE HE STARTED his training and went from there…
    do the same. START with calculating your thoughts from “She wants me back” and anything less is childs play and a WIN for you. If that IS what she wants, you’ve thought a move or two ahead to be able to deal with it.
    Personally I say C A R E F U L. Tread lightly and slowly.
    But CALL HER BACK. Not calling her lets her do more of the driving and could create a situation of harassment.
    Get it over with, deal with the present situation head on and call her. Dictate terms don’t compromise but be nice, kind, gentle and most of all a FRIEND.
    act like you are gay and never want sex from a woman again. this will help you stay on appropriate topics.
    It sucks but not as much as hitting the wall..
    good luck & take care!

    Reply
  39. jmaes

    hay my x texts me in said hay how you beeen doing? i siad find in how are u. so we stard talking in this moring she texts in i told her i miss you she siad she missed me to.in that i miss her voice and she siad she missed mind to.so now what dose it mean?

    Reply
  40. chaibz

    hi everyone im really in deep shit right now, i really want to move on but it seems like i really cant. my ex broke up with me already but still im hoping that she will come back. im always txting her everday and always wishing that she would reply. but she sometimes do, and sometimes we see each other. i really dont understand her it feels like she still loves me, maybe thats the reason why i cant move on. does she still loves me? is there a chance? but what i dont inderstand is she always says give me time, she would always go out with her friends and txt other guys. i feel so pathetic. what should i do? mean if she dont love me why is it that she still communicate with me. sometimes she kiss me and there are times that we even have sex… i really dont understand her. can you help me alex?

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  41. jay

    man 3 year relationship with my ex, not my first girlfriend but the first one i fell in love with. I was her first boyfriend (first everything) so this adds more to my feelings because I feel like “yeah she’s mine”. SHe broke up with me telling me its because of her parents they are going through divorce (mom was cheating on dad) so she feels like she can’t trust no one, not even me because i had a few facebook girls message me but nothing more than messages… but throughout the last months of our relationship i felt she was seeing this guy i hate, she calls her “friend” every time i confront her. Its been 3 to 4 months after, since the breakup it was only a month without contact then we started texting & i end up seeing her because she invited me to a fashion show she’s in but i keep it simple show up then once its over leave, the following week she texts me to see what i’m gonna do for the night and i said downtown fiesta and she says we should go then i tell her we can meet up there… we meet up and chemistry is flowing, clicking like we never missed a beat she misses me, i miss her we make out all night then i confront about the guy again then tells me once again they are only friends.. so i believe her a couple days later on facebook pics shes tagged in of them come up just hanging out, then i end up doing something stupid because i wanted answers i drive by her apartment late almost midnight and see her car parked with her brothers car then as i pass by i see that guys car pull up passing me …im so pissed and feeling like a fool at that moment.. she then ends up texting me 5 mins later because i think the guy seen my car.. In the text she asks “whatsup” , “I say nothing what you doing” she responds with “nothing just here i dont feel good” and i parked somewhere nearby and what do you know i see both cars pass me up… so i’m like wow i overanaylzed everything as if we were getting back together and did everything wrong in the book .. It hurts more now but at least i find out the truth so i can stop contacting her like i shouldve done from the start when we broke up. Everyone had courage and pride to not contact their ex and i was the weak one lol

    Reply
  42. gregor

    What do you mean by being honest? Tell her how you really feel? Tell her you still want to get back with her? Something like that?

    Reply
  43. Joe

    My girlfriend of just under a year decided she wanted “a break” 2 days ago. I’ve given her that completely– no contact at all. However she texted me late last night saying “I hope you’re okay.” I haven’t replied to her yet, nor am I sure I should…should I? And how?

    Reply
  44. Joe

    My girlfriend of just under a year decided she wanted “a break” 2 days ago. I’ve given her that completely– no contact at all. However she texted me late last night saying “I hope you’re okay.” I haven’t replied to her yet, nor am I sure I should…should I? And how? I want her back but don’t want to jump in too needy.

    Reply
  45. Joe

    My girlfriend of just under a year decided she wanted “a break” 2 days ago. I’ve given her that completely– no contact at all. However she texted me late last night saying “I hope you’re okay.” I haven’t replied to her yet, nor am I sure I should…should I? And how? I want her back but don’t want to jump in too needy..

    Reply
  46. blahh

    I’m the one on the other end, you know, the girlfriend that called it off for no apperant reason. I can honestly give you no real reason as to why I called it off with the guy I was with when things were “perfect”. I’m the type of person who take people for granted. Do I regret it? Yes, I do because I hurt someone completly innocent and if I could, I would’ve never started anything. It’s been a week and I haven’t contacted him. He called me like crzzy and messages me on facebook, too. My point of this whole comment was that the reason why that ex of yours doesn’t write back isn’t because she’s insecured. It’s because regarless of how much of a bitch she maybe, there’s still human left in her and well she doesn’t want to keep in touch with you because you’re still not over it and she already moved passed you. So it’s only in your best interest, if you didn’t keep in contact. As for the ex that calls, ignore it. She’s more than likely just looking to use your heart against you.

    Reply
  47. Tomski

    after a 7 month affair she ended it saying “sometime apart maybe good for us” for the last few days she said i was appling stress and pressure, but i was only concerned because she was being distant

    i was gutted and tried to change it but she was adamant its the right decision then i got a text saying she was being “chatted up” to which i responded with i miss and want you” again she responded with “made the right decision” and how my text was “snippy”

    A few days later we had a telcom, subsequently it became obvious ? the penny dropped, she had a ons with someone who flattered and impressed her

    I cut off comms but 14 days later i got the “hello stranger” text – again we had a telcom where i put her on the spot and her response was “that was going no where” and again with me “it was the right decision” – i ended the telcom and again radio silence from me till last week when i got the “hello hun – hows things ” text – this time i delayed my responses but got the “i want to talk – you cant talk” then “miss you xx” texts followed by a couple days avoidance reponses from me till we spoke 3 days after latest 1st contact, preceded by a “arnt you glad you dont have to worry about me text”? – the conversation was short and sweet / polite but she didnt want to talk then said i was grumpy and ended the conversation???

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