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How to Respond and Act When Your Ex Suddenly Contacts You Again

So your ex called... What now? So your ex called... What now?

“Maybe in the next post you can cover what to do/not to do when your ex does contact you. I’m in the boat right now and not sure what to make of this unexpected ‘how are you?’ from her.”

This was the comment on the last post 7 Ways to Stop Waiting For Your Ex to Text or Call left by my name brother Alex.

I have been in the exact same situation several times. Perhaps I am not over her yet. Maybe I am kind of in the greyland. Maybe I have already moved on. Whatever my situation may be, the phone rings: it’s her.

She’s simply calling me up to hear how I am doing. She asks me how I have been.

The phone call can go in many directions, but in my experience most often it leads to a rather pleasant conversation. You strike up some old memories, laugh and underneath it all, there still lies some sexual tension.

When you hang up, you feel good. You may even have a slight smirk on your face. But then it hits you: what did it mean? And your mind starts to work on high speed to process all these new thoughts.

Get Your Ex Back

What now?

Does she want to get back together? Did you say something wrong? And you also start to question whether you’re really over her or not. A call like that can really stir up your mind, and usually be pretty confusing when you start thinking about it.

In this post, I am going to give you some simple solutions to cope with these rather normal problems.

The advice that’s going to flow through the whole of the article is this: don’t think too much about it.


What many guys are prone to do is to over-analyze things. That’s our nature. The ability to analyze like that gives us many strengths and opportunities, but it also has it downsides. One of the most noticeable is that the energy you spend on analyzing, let’s just take the phone call as an example, is taken away from other activities in your life.

And when analyzing something, especially when it comes to an (ex) girlfriend, there’s a tendency to go way overboard with it. There comes a point where there’s just nothing more to add, and that’s the point where most guys go wrong.

They keep on thinking about it, even though there’s nothing more to think about!

You don’t have to be a scientist to understand why that’s not useful. As I said before, the energy you spend thinking about something is taken away from other tasks at hand.

This premise, that guys over-analyze stuff like ex’s contacting them again, is not to be taken lightly.

Because when there is nothing more to add, they will most likely, unconscious about it, make something up. And the most common thing to “make up” is the hope and belief that she wants to get back together.

This is where it gets tricky.

Getting back together?

Do you really want to get back together?

Ponder this question. Your first answer might be yes – that’s natural (also from a biological point of view). In your prehistoric brain, sex is goood. Sex makes babies. Babies make you pappa. Pappa is goood. Pappa means passing on genes!

You get the point.

But when you really give it some thought, what you most likely will come up with is that no, you don’t want to get back together. The reasons are not what important, the important thing is that you can actually feel, way down, that you’re not supposed to be with each other.

beach girl skirt

Everything happens for a reason

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and when life throws something hard at you, like heartbreak with an (ex) girlfriend, it’s an opportunity to grow. Whether it’s God or the Universe or whatever you call it who “throws it at you”, it’s an opportunity. It’s a help in direction, an unknown force lending you some help in choosing the right path.

Or maybe this force tells you that you have taken a dead end, and that you must go a few steps back to walk the new path.

I like this analogy, because it’s easy to understand, and it makes everything not only happen for a reason, but also for the greater good. It actually says that whatever happens, it’s for the best.

Fight or flee, it’s your choice

That doesn’t mean that you should blindly accept anything life or God throws at you – sometimes you need to fight.

And the only way to know when it’s right to fight is to listen. Listen to yourself; listen to your heart.

I know that I am threading on deep waters here, but I just thought that this simple advice can help some people, as it has helped me. Anyway, let’s get back to the concrete talk on how to respond and act when an ex girlfriend contacts you again.

It didn’t mean anything

I think that the most important thing you can focus on if you’re having thoughts about you and your ex again after a call, is that it didn’t mean anything.

Don’t try to figure out why she did it – you can’t. You will never know, and it really doesn’t matter.

The important thing is that it has no meaning; she could have had millions of reasons to contact you. Maybe she was struck by the thought that you were sick, maybe she missed you, maybe she felt alone or maybe she had an abundance of energy and had to use it on something… and the list goes on.

You see what we’re doing here? We’re over-analyzing things. And it doesn’t lead anywhere at all! It’s 100% unnecessary.

So I really want you to try to stop over-analyzing. Don’t force it; just tell yourself that your thoughts are just that – merely thoughts.

You are not your thoughts

You are not your brain or your thoughts, you are you. Nothing more, nothing less.

The actual conversation

As for the actual conversation, just be casual and friendly. Politely answer her questions and keep the conversation going, but don’t stay on it for too long, especially if you’re uncomfortable with the situation.

If the conversation drags on, simply tell her that you have to go. It was nice chatting – goodbye and have a good day.

It’s as easy as that.

And don’t start flirting too much, either. You don’t want to send the wrong signals, do you?

Here are 6 easy tips to handle your ex contacting you again:

  • Be cool. It’s easier said than done, but do your best to keep your cool. Don’t be over excited to hear from her, just be laid back about it. Relax!
  • It didn’t mean anything. Don’t start over-analyzing. She called you, you talked, and that’s it.
  • Move on. She most likely has.
  • Don’t secretly wish that you’re going to get back together. You most likely won’t, and if you do, it will most likely fail. Really ask yourself why. Write it down, get it out.
  • Learn. Everything is an opportunity to learn something about yourself. So is this. You’ll get some profound self-understanding if you keep your mind open to it.
  • Be honest. This is my evergreen advice. Be honest with her, and be honest with yourself. Real honest. Not some bullshit “Maybe / I think” stuff, no. That doesn’t cut it.

That’s it guys.

Let me hear your thoughts on the article below.

Also, I highly encourage you to check out my book called “The Ex-Girlfriend Solution”. It includes everything you ever wanted to know about getting over your ex and moving on with your life. It takes you right from the break-up to your new relationship, and it answers all the questions I get all the time, like “what to do if she wants to be friends”, “how to avoid being distracted by thoughts about her”, “how to fall asleep when I miss her” etc… Read more about it here!

Photos by aphasiafilms and Grace.

Get Your Ex Back

116 thoughts on “How to Respond and Act When Your Ex Suddenly Contacts You Again

  1. Scott

    This is for ALL the MEN who had a ‘Woman” mess with your heart…BEST MOVE…”Leave her ALONE”…Why?…Well, Let her think about ‘What YOU are DOING”(When not contacting her)…This WILL drive HER NUTS!!!..Know this…”Women LOVE to CONTROL!”..So, DO NOT ALLOW THEM (by TELLING your “TRUE WANTING” for HER in your life)…If you DO…You will LOSE HER…FOR SURE!!!…Bottom line…If you WAIT for HER TO CONTACT YOU, You will “Gain Control” of her!…THEN(After you get her attention)…DUMP HER…Why?…Well, you will find in the end, that, YOU DESERVE BETTER!

    Good luck!!!

    1. Susan

      Hi…just want to say I am a woman..funniest thing is they are telling women the same garbage they are telling you guys…LOL if she calls you or you call her and she’s receptive in any way…sure sounds like love to me !! Why do males and females have to play so many stupid games with each other ?? I just don’t get it…where I come from..if you are honest and truthful ///why must it be this way ???

      Sadly the man I’m in love with …seems to need to be in several things at once to make him feel good about himself ??? Really sad because he is so handsome, smart, funny, and incredible..and as a woman I will say, I recently hear some very interesting things that totally changed everything I’d thought I learned about relationships around….you poor guys too much of the time are smothered by a woman who has been taught all her live to dote over you…and you men label her as needy..and push her away

      One would think after humanity has been at this for so long …we would have got it by now… so sad…from one who is finally learning this at 50 something ;(

  2. HH

    With all due respect, I think that the above is mostly terrible advice, and probably only applicable to people who’ve not been dating or in a relationship for very long. Sure, there are reasons why people grow apart. However, I believe that we give up too easily thesedays — there’s too much temptation and not enough perseverance / commitment. If the love was there once, then it can be there again — gold doesn’t become anything else if it’s dipped in mud.
    I’d say, leave the door open for a way back to your ex.

    1. maestro

      this AND the above one is a terrible advice. Your advice is wrong because it does not help the person move on. If there there is love lost, its lost! There IS no going back. It only happens in movies. The comment above is wrong as well because that shows you need to make the other person to feel bad by dumping him/her to make yourself feel better. That shows your personality is dependent on something else. Please have confidence in yourself. If you know you deserve better, you just know! The best thing to do is to move on with NC and find new love.

      1. jeff

        I agree with maestro. The key is to know your worth more, and deserve a better relationship. Women just have to know you still think about them. Especially if you were with a narcisistic ex.

      2. Krypiano

        The response right above me has no idea what they’re talking about. It can go either way. If you don’t want it to work move on- don’t bring your negative attitude and try to sell it to other people that still believe in love. If you’re unhappy that’s your problem.

    2. Tony Corazza

      Gotta agree with HH here, thats why the divorce rates are so high these days. People just don’t want to try , they think the person they are with is going to be ideal in everyway, shape or form. Sadly they arent people are flawed and have issues. Its up to two people in a relationship to communicate at work things out. With that being said I believe in time sometimes people can change for the better, people learn from a break up sometimes and they can take those live lessons and become better people. Sometimes even with each other again. I had exes come back that I was romantic with and even though we didn’t last for other reasons like distance we had a long run after we got back together again. So never say never and always leave that door open for an ex that you feel was worth it.

      1. we are human we make mistake

        i agree with tony if the person is worth a secunt chance that give it to them we are human we make mistake every day if it worth to tray againg that tray

        1. Jane Smith (@Jmarquis59Jane)

          I was in love with a man for 11 years. Its been 12 years and I never found a nice person I have been quite unhappy. I was always happy with him. He remarried 2 years ago. Lately I realize I left him and it was because my dad died of cancer not because I didnt love him so i left to be with family. He lived far from me. Lately I think of him often so decided to email his old email and to my surprise he responsded today. It was short but nice. I am not sure if that means anything but I do know hiw wife is chinese and very very controlling. He checked my email at 200 am and the last few times i emailed him it was the middle of the night, so its when she is sleeping. He lives in a strict chinese culture that is too controlling cutting him from his old freinds and female freinds also…so it makes me think we may have a chance now………..he was my soulmate there is no man like him..for me….

    3. mark

      i think it is good advice actually. i have an ex who will call me just when i am starting to feel better and no longer thinking of her all day every day and missing her to the point of being physically ill. i am convinced now after several times through this that she does this just to mess with me and to get me hoping and wondering and obsessing over if it means she wants me back and is trying to test the waters with me. each time, i have started out cool, but within days i am love sick for her again and laying all my cards on the table begging her to take me back. eventually i ask too many questions about what she is doing and who she is seeing when before she decided to shake me up and contact me i was not thinking about that and accepting that there was nothing i could do. it was easy because she was out of my life and out of my mind. once she comes back in i start feeling like i am so close and then desperation sets in when i think she has found my full time replacement. things get uglier and uglier and we stop talking again. then at just the right time another text will come in and it repeats. she always claims to be thinking that maybe i have suddenly become ready to be just friends now. like magically i am just going to not love her and desire her back in my life in that capacity and that i will be happy to settle for the uncertainties of friendship. i believe that ultimately i am a safety net she keeps in place in case she finds out she really couldnt find a better man. back up plan. when i have done the breaking up with my significant others in the past i did clean breaks. no contact. that was easy because i had absolutely no desire to even see those girls again. i never led them on by messing with their minds and keeping in contact because they actually were repulsive to me. that is why i decided to make the split. there was no love left. if this girl who keeps contacting me out of the blue feels anything like the way i did toward the girls i dumped, then i know i have no chance. unlike me however she keeps contacting me which makes me think maybe she isnt over me. why do they want to be friends? i just dont understand why she wants to do this to me. she is killing me.

    4. Orissa Anthony

      I 100% agree. Very bad advice, not all ‘ex relationships’ that get back together are doomed to fail again. People change, people grow, and if you love each other you will make it possible. Love has no boundaries. Sometimes all you need is time. There are alot of people who have broken up and gotten back together again and have been stronger than ever. Of course if the person has disrespected you throughout the relationship that’s another thing.. But this advice shouldn’t be limited to just a “move on with your life” solution. And I also agree, people these days are too quick to give up on relationships. Let’s go back to when the years were golden.

  3. Wanderer

    I’ve appreciate reading both this article and the comments that go along with it. I broke up with my first girlfriend almost 3 months ago, and while I know it was what we both needed, it still hasn’t been easy. One thing that’s made it more difficult than necessary is that we work at the same place, live in the same small town, and have many of the same friends…definitely a bummer.

    My dilemma right now is that since we’ve broken up, she’s contacted me on at least three occasions wanting to “talk” about our current situation. The first time I caved in (which I later regretted), the second time I brushed it off (“we’re just friends, let’s roll with it”), and now…she sent me a long text about how she was sorry we were no longer best friends, and how she misses having someone to confide in, and that she sometimes thinks I hate her and knows I’m only being her friend because I have to (WTF?! when did I do to indicate that??). I feel like while I’ve intentionally distanced myself, I’ve been nothing but kind to her since the break-up, so I have no idea where that all came from.

    My question, to anyone that feels like providing an answer, is: should I address these onslaughts of emotion or just ignore them? On the one hand, addressing them might nip the problem in the bud, but ignoring means I never have to deal with them in the first place.

  4. Sameway

    @Wanderer – I recently ended a relationship with someone who I work with. The break-up was mutual and without conflict. We agreed to being just friends. The one thing you must know is that women are emotional, and let emotions carry them at times. As men, we have to have toughness for both us and them. I’m sure the day will come where she may get emotional and want to talk. I’ll stand the ground. We both know a relationship is not what we want from each other. She must be reminded.

    In your case, once you broke up, there is no “our current” situation. She wanted to talk about “her” situation. She may feel insecure in the fact that you broke up. To a man, you have be careful. A woman will move on with another relationship, but if she knows you’re whimpering in a corner crying because she’s gone, she will play your ass like an Ace and a King. For any man out there, never let a woman play you, via mind or body. Be what you are — The Man.

    So let her go. Ignore them. Don’t feel bad about it. You already discussed this when you broke up. Stand by your decision and don’t take a single step back. Move forward and so will she.

  5. Piet

    Hey I loved your comments about exs,mate I’ve got a question I was crazy in love with this girl about 3yrs ago everything was goin great and then my father died and I had to go back to nz,anyway I broke up because I had so much on my mind. She has just contacted me out of the blue 3yrs later says she was thinking slot about me and she’s married now,she was hesitant when I asked if she was happy,she lives in Sydney I’m on the coast instill always think about her and wat if,but she’s married now am I over analyzing she misses talking to me and I her.confused big time she just told me she told her husband she rang me too

    1. frank

      I believe she is just being honest with her husband, if she didn’t tell him and later down the road he found out that could spell trouble for most. I’m in the same position as you, three short but still kinda long of it is. I dated a exs friend in high school, she told me she was crazy about me, I also had a huge crush on her. A few months later her friend and I broke up. Then a month after that her and I started dating. obviously these choices created tension between the two of them and we decided it best to end it. I talk to her from time to time, she is married with two kids. She too is hesitant when asked if she is happy.

      we both,made our choices. Right or wrong, they are made and one of the worst things a person can do is break up a family because of self pity or greed. I say be friends and help keep each other be happy with the choices made and move on.

  6. Guz

    I ended a relationship with my girlfriend whom we have a child together that is 3years old now. I wanted her back but she is 37 and I am 31.She keep going to her family to know if we should get back together and they are not really happy for that and she told me to hold on that she don’t know what she want for 5 months now but someday ago I have to ask her if she can be honest to me and let me know if she want me or not because it is affecting me and am becoming depressed about this because I cant see my child as much as I can.

    I do not know where to win her back

  7. ahmed

    Here is my story . so I have been dated my ex-girlfriend for almost 3 years and we were so happy and calling to each other for more than 4 times a day because she lives 2 hours from me .so she called me one day and told me that she love me ,miss me and want to see me soon but Suddenly she called me a day after and she said that she want to take a break for a month because of her mom . her mom love me so much but as me ex told me that her mom love me as son but she want my ex to date some one else because that I am from different country and culture . she cried a lot and told me she still love me but not the same and that she wants to look for her life and work because she think that we love each other too much . so after let her go ,one day she called and said she thinks that we can work everything later after the break and start to call me as before . one day I ask her ,how she feel now she said she feel sad about what happen but she think that she doesn’t want a relationship now and she just want be a single for now but she doesn’t know and she want me to be a friend .so I got mad and started fighting with her and told either love or hate and I will never be a friend with her . a week after I saw her at bar ,I say HI to her to be nice at least . she hugged me along hug and left her after but I saw her crying . So I called her today and she was crying when we were talking and sad . I asked her if she think we can meet next weekend for a cafe since I am going to stop by near of her city to visit my brother , she agreed but after she hang be and text she was saying that she couldn’t talk because she was crying and doesn’t want her family to see her . but she was keeping text me and ask about how I feel ,and she told me she doesn’t know if it’s a good idea to meet her or not but she told me that she guess it ok but she doesn’t know because she still sad . PLEASE HELP ME BECAUSE I AM CONFUSED IF SHE STILL LOVE AND WHAT SHOULD I DO HELP THIS relationship.

    1. Ifrax

      Ahmed@Girls sometimes don’t know how to react in some situations . they’re carried by emotions en they don’t express their feelings properly so give her time and be by her side always show that you love her en make her confidence that you will never leave.only then will she understand ur love.in order to work out relationship sometimes we have to give time

  8. deep

    girls with high interest level never confuse u. u have nothing to hold on buddy, she has left you already. move on and find a girl who is not confused, save ur self from heart break because eventually after all this confusing shit she will drop u, so stand up to her and say, if she wants relationship, she can come, but no then its done deal, no going back, give her ultimatum, if she loved u she would not have been confused. dont worry about her crying part, they all do it naturally. When girl is having low interest level they tend to confuse u by back and forth games, but then they just leave. This is just her defense mechanism, she is just not able to let you go NOW, but time will come when she is emotionally ready to leave you for ever and then ur dead in the water, so before that situation arises make everything clear, and stand up like a man, dont be confused with a confused girl. Ask her clearly, if she wants relationship, great, if she wants to leave even better, and tell her adios baby, and go no contact for a few months to heal. I hope I answered u. deep

  9. alyssau

    Hi I’m a girl. 21 and I recently broke up with my ex in April but stopped sleeping with him in may. We started off rocky. He was in denial about not being over his ex. And he emotionally abused me without realizing it. I always assumed that he treated me like that because his ex emotionally abused him. He visited her one day and dumped me that night for no good reason. She was his first and she cheated on him. What did I do? Like a dumb ass I took him back and threw him a bday dinner party the next day. Im stupid, i know. Then I’m the reason hes diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. He never knew he had it. Then I break it off and start talking to myex and he stars crying and begging me not to leave him so UFO meet his family and ultimately decide that I don’t want to be in a relationship with him. The whole thing is ironic because he didn’t really want to be in a relationship in the first place. “He was like I’m 21 and half of me wants to be in a relationship and half of me doesn’t.” We go to the same college together. Back to my story, he gets pissed because I’m over him and decided to get back with my ex because he apologized and promised to treat me better even after I told him about the other guy. (My ex and I were long distance.) So this weird guy and I completely break things off in a shitty way. I had a pg scare druel to a really late period and he refused to buy me a test and called me emotional and crazy when I couldn’t stop crying to him. Anyways, over the summer I get and sfd scare but it just wound up being bv, thank god! So while I’m awaiting blood work for herpes I call my ex and ask him if he’s been tested for herpes because, prior to this, I was unaware that pp doesn’t test for herpes. He doesn’t respond. After I took care of him when he had the flu, was there for him emotionally and cooked for him the day he was diagnosed with diabetes (while we were broken up). Fuck him right?! Well now he has this new girlfriend and I mean, she’s hot, but to me, like his ex, she’s just another dismount socal white bonnie that isn’t going to college. Is he over me? I feel like he’s not over me. I caught him looking at me from the top floor balcony from our school library. I love my current boyfriend but I have anger and animosity towards my ex because he jumped into another relationship no struggle and I can tell that he treats her well. I’m not a hideous girl. His friends tried to get at me after we broke up. I’m going to a uc and relatively articulate when I’m not internet ranting over a jackass that doesn’t care about me. So what’s wrong with me? I cannot stop crying ever since I came back to town and see my ex in my.classes daily! I’m hurt yet I still think I have feelings for this prickly. Help? BTW, he blames me for everything, even when he’d treat me like shit he’d say I did.something to eradicate that behavior from him. I know.I’m an idiot.

  10. alyssa

    Oops. I forgot to mention that he contacted me and asked if I prank called his ex. I told him that I didn’t have her no. And if I would ever contact her.it would be to warn her of hoe verbally abusive he is and the fact that he didn’t respond to my scare. I asked him why he didnt respond and he said that he thought I was just trying to get a response out of him. I was so pissed. I asked him ” why couldn’t you just take it seriously?!” His response was. “I did take it seriously. I got myself tested.” Then I completely blocked out whatever he said by yelling, ” yeah you took it seriously?! Is that why I got a response?! Go fuck yourself!” I was livid because he had also told me, for no fucking reason, “I just want to forget you.” Um. Shouldn’t he have done hat before he started dating another trashy socal bombing that posts buses of herself online? She has a pic up where she is in nothing but a thong and he treats this girl better than he treated me. He has pics up with them at Disneyland. Granted my bf and I have the same dland pics up from this summer too. Can someone give me some advice please? What do I make of all of this?

  11. Jacob

    Alyssa, I don’t think there is anything to explain except that you dated a loser and your being insecure about him jumping to another girl so soon. I think he hurt your ego with the new tramp girl because you are wondering if he puts you in the same category as her. Quit being insecure and work on your self confidence. You have the other guy anyways… move on

  12. Alyssa

    Wow. Re-reading that made me realize:
    First, I will NEVER post comments from my auto-corrective frienemy phone. Second, I don’t understand how you were able to understand that, but thank you for your response. Third, I know what you’re saying is true. I’m not worried that he puts her in the same category as me; I’m worried that he holds her in a higher esteem than me. Allow me to put things into perspective: I’m Mexican and my ex would kind of crack jokes about it here and there. He also called his ex (Who was half jewish) A fucking “jew.” I assumed he said this because of all of the horrible things she did including sleep with his best friend and the fact that he called her greedy. STILL NOT APPROPRIATE, I KNOW.
    At the root of everything, I’m utterly hurt because he treats the new tramp better than me after knowing her for a fraction of the time he knew me. (shes blonde & fully white.) I’m proud to be hispanic and I’m not letting this bigot drag me down, but does he treat her better because shes white? What I was trying to say in the post above is that this particular girl posts practically NUDES of herself online. How can he treat a girl like that BETTER than he treated me. Was I just a rebound from his also tatted up skanky ex? He called her a whore for her cheating and seemed to be over chicks like that, but then jumps straight into dating a girl that degrades herself by posting raunchy pics of herself up and sells sunglasses for a living? Granted, I know shes intelligent regardless of her position in life (and is probably more than likely a nice girl). You can tell by her manor of discourse that shes a smart girl. But my ego is definitely bruised. How can he not be grateful of the fact that I am essentially the reason that he might have saved YEARS of his life due to the juvenile diabetes diagnosis?! Am I crazy for having these feelings?!You’re right. I have my bf and I love him, but this whole ex things is making me literally depressed. I try to go to the gym, jog, or even do yoga to make me feel better but then I just end up crying my eyes out. I think its just because the heartache of it all is finally starting to catch up with me… That and the fact that I dated a guy who looks down upon hispanics. Who in the tristate racist epicenter doesn’t have hostile feelings towards mexicans? I’m from California so I’ve experienced it, but I’ve never actually DATED it. I’m really hurt. My boyfriend now is half japanese and treats me like a princess, but race should never matter. I’d treat any guy I was in a relationship right: black, white, asian, etc REGARDLESS of their ethnicity. To epitomize my issue: I Feel like Carrie Bradshaw and this new girl is no poster child for a Natasha, but she is a rich white socal girl. And though my ex isn’t loaded, he and his family like to live like they are (country club, BMW/MERCEDES VEHICLES, YET TAKING OUT LOANS FOR SCHOOL). And in his eyes I’m just a poor mexican girl from the central valley. You’re right. This isn’t about my ex. Its about my self image. My ethnicity has never embarrassed me. I think I just found a guy who was able to beat me down with simple statements like, “There are bigger better fish out there in the sea.” Yeah, there are, MY BOYFRIEND.

  13. brandon

    Hi my girl friend broke up with me 4 mos ago.. I guess she broke up with me because I would get mad if she would go out to clubs/bars and I didn’t like this other guy texting her and I told her that. So she told me she wouldn’t talk to him anymore and she told me he’s just a friend. So she would always turn her phone to silent at night and I could see it going off at night when she was sleeping.. so I looked at her phone and this guy thats a “friend” would text her at 12 at night saying.. what are u doing? So the next morning I was like did anybody text u? And she was like no.. I told her I looked at her phone and that guy “friend” text u last night! Then after that she broke up with me for looking at her phone. I tryed talking to her about it for about 3mos because I really do love her and her son nobody ever made me as happy as she did in my life wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and she would tell me that was what she wanted to. I was really upset about the brake up and I would always try talking to her about it and I think that was pushing her away more. So for about the last 3 weeks I have not been texting her. So this week she text me 4 times.. once in the morning before work just to ask me if I was on the same street as her that day and I wasn’t, then 2 days later she text me asking how my sister was? Then 2 days later she text me saying hi how are you? Then last night she text me saying she miss me.. so I have been texting her back but always short with her and I don’t text her back rite away and I think its making her miss me more. I really want to be with this girl and this is the first time she has told me she miss me but I think if I try talking to her about things again she’s going to back off again but Idk? What is the best way to get her back just let her text me and keep being sort till she tells me what she wants or what should I do??? Thanks!

  14. Alyssa

    Brandon, honestly, your girlfriend was either cheating or ready to cheat. The fact of the matter is: No guy should text her at midnight unless its an emergency (e.g. they’re really good friends and he just got dumped and needs female advice). Your girlfriend obviously had something to hide seeing as how she felt the need to lie about it.
    You REALLY need to reevaluate your standards for a girl. From a female perspective heres probably what happened:
    -It didn’t work out between her and this other guy so now shes interested in you, “the nice guy” again.
    -You stopped texting her and she misses the attention. Shes a jealous and possessive girl (more likely than not the case) and she doesn’t want you to be over her.
    EITHER WAY, STAY AWAY! I know its hard when you have strong feelings for that person, but trust me, if you dont heed my warning a significant amount of time will pass and you’ll regret having not stayed away from her now. Look at how easily she disposed of you. She’ll do it again because obviously you don’t mean that much to her as she does to you. You sound like a really sweet guy so don’t read this and go thinking that its something that YOU did. It isn’t. Like some asshole guys, girls can be just as cruel. AGAIN, rip the band aid off now, let your wounds breathe, and STAY AWAY. I’m sorry to hear about you being attached to her son. My brother wen’t through the same thing with a girl. In the end he just had to let both of them go. It was right for him. I’m sorry that you got caught up with such a rotten girl.

  15. Richard

    I’m in a similar situation. My ex left me and went off with someone else a couple of years ago. Even though It was a painful experience, I know that it was a hard decision for her to leave and that she really needed to get this other guy out of her system. Effectively, things did not work out with the other guy and she has contacted me again. It would be easy to take the view that she’s had her cake and eaten it and I should never go back. However, now that she’s been in touch, I’m beginning to remember why I was so upset to see her go in the first place. She’s a great catch. I was lucky to have her in the first place and even though it ended badly, I don’t regret being with her at the start. I’m a little confused as how to act, but one thing’s for sure, I wont be contacting her back in a hurry. That’s what she wants. Human psychology works in funny ways. If I call her back straight away, I’ve thrown away the most attractive thing I have to her. Intrigue. I will pick my moment strategically, and begin to build bridges again. However, as you will see in life, if people have to work for something, it’s value to them increases.

    I’m just deciding how to play it from here.

  16. Ryan Westington

    To save time typing I will tell my story short and simple. I dated a girl, starting when I was 17 and she was 14. It was my first real girlfriend and we were both, supposedly, virgins. I really loved her, she had bad family issues… her mom was in car accident and her dad was a dead beat ON TOP of being a Crossdresser/Transexual…. idk he liked women but liked to dress like one too. anywayzz Her mom was a pill head and they were always moving around and I helped them move several times they went from apts to motel to a trailer park, to a homeless shelter… at this point my family stepped in and she lived with my grandmother for a while because I felt some amount of resposibility to take care of my GF, we had been dating for several years by then.. My grandmother had to move with her son cause her property was basically stolen from her and my GF came to live with me… She is one of those who needs attention and she was flirtatious with guys at school etc… I would always be weary of this and this did not help the relationship at all… she admittedly kinda dated other guys at school…. as far as I know that is as far as it went, but I think my fear of her cheating drove her to eventually do so… she got a car and started dating a guy behind my back and she had been living with me at my house with my mom for a couple years then she got emotional with my mom and left… i was not sure why but she had been seeing that other guy and they had been having sex along with smoking a lot of pot etc… She talked to me from time to time and finally she left him because he hit her and she went to live wit her sister… at that point she was tryin to reconcile things with me… at least I thought about a month into reconciliation, her sister tells me she was dating some boy in her neighborhood and I thought she might be hearing gossip but she admitted she was dating him so I quit talking to her “permanently” that was november 2010… it is june 2012 now she sent me a msg on facebook telling me that she was in a bad car accident but that she was ok… here is the msg.
    “Hey know u don’t want me to bother u but I had a bad wreck but I am ok car is trashed”
    I dont know what to say to her… I loved her and always will but sometimes you gotta let things die… I am not saying she is trying to work things out but if she is, should I even attempt to hear her out? I do think she loved me, I think she had a hard family life and was confused because she was young and wanted to run wild a little since she felt like we were “married” I guess she thought she was too young for that… idk just wondering if I can get some thoughts on the matter.

  17. Pingback: 5 Tips to Help You Stop Thinking About Your Ex-Girlfriend | Just Keep The Change

  18. Mike

    Thanks for this great guidance, for such a frantic moment of panic. Wouldn’t want to do anything to chase her away again, yet she’s the one contacting me, so it’s hard to know how to react. This clears the air for many guys searching for this

  19. Pingback: ex girlfriend contacts you | My Ex Boyfriend

  20. Mia

    I realise no comments have been left for a while but i thought id share my story. I was 20 when i met my ex bf and we were together for nearly 4 years. we have been on many holidays, rented together for a year, spent so much time together, had names for our children, bought a kitten together. his family were my 2nd family. we were saving to buy a house together and he got cold feet and told me he didn’t want this and ended it. it was so out of the blue. he broke my heart. i tried for months to get him back and would have literally done anything for him. he pondered and played with me for a few months, literally made me think he wanted me back, told me he had his space and time and told me he wanted to try again n take me on dates. this happened once then he switched on me again and left. we hadn’t spoken in 5 months. then i met his sister for lunch as were friends still. she told me he had been ’emotional’ when she said she was meeting me. he is never ’emotional’ she said he asked her to find out how i am and to send his love. he also said he wanted to say sorry but didn’t know how and wanted to make a gesture. this was new years day. i thought perhaps he is thinking back over the year and wants to make peace. albeit 11 months too late. i left it at that and gave no message back to him, i just said if he is sorry then nice but that he hurt me. i then got on with new yrs eve night and tried to welcome the new year 2013 as a fresh start. i then got a text from him at 6am. he could have been drunk but the texts were very clearly worded. he asked me to forgive him and said he would never want to hurt me and that he wanted to see how my xmas and new years was. he then proceeded to ask me how life is and work. i answered most questions bluntly and all i said to the first was, thank you for the message, happy new year. he continued asking me questions. when is aid about a work promo he said how he knew id do well. when i said about the gym he said that I was perfect before the gym. i told him to stop. i cannot let him get inside my head and flirt like that. its inappropriate and unfair. the apology is one thing, sometimes an ex may want closure and genuinely realise how badly they treated u and want to say sorry. but the communication with questions is wrong and it just brings back the communication and familiarity of hearing from them. for it to be taken away again. i haven’t heard since and that was 2 days ago now. i don’t expect i will. maybe he was lonely, drunk, bored, i don’t know, wanting peace, feeling sentimental…. whatever the reason i have forced myself not to reply or to message him first. if he wants me back he will contact me again if sorry is all it ever was then i need to move on with my life as i was doing its incredibly hard as the contact has been broken after 5 months. we were a massive part of each others lives but i was in love there is no way i could be just friends with him. he has to fight for my love. if he doesn’t want it then all i can do is accept his apology n move on. he said he always wishes me well, doesn’t think anything bad of me and is glad to know I’m okay and left it on night night, and not goodbye. although i accidentally text 2 letter text ton I’m with no reply the next day…. dunno if thats cos he now isn’t talking to me or cos he dunno what to say to that as clearly a mistake on my part. its hard but I’m gonna have to try n forget he’s messaged me n not read into it or over analyse. which i th ink is more a womans quality

  21. Addicted

    I wish I had read all this before my ex got back in touch recently. I let on (indirectly but enough) that I missed her. I don’t think it helped the situation. She didn’t answer my last email and we’re not talking again. Thing is, my instinct was to ignore her when she txtd me after a couple of years, but it felt so passive-aggressive. My next instinct was to say “thanks for the birthday wishes, but it’s best that we let this go”. Before I could do that I just felt sick to my stomach. This girl has been a life-long love of mine (from high school on), and I hope that we somehow end up together, while realizing that it probably wouldn’t work. Oh well, it’s back to grey-land. In the meantime, I feel like I owe her a birthday wish in several months. After than, she gets nada.

  22. Buttercup

    My ex bf I contacted him a few weeks ago nd asked wher he is nd stuff. After tht incident he told me who the helll do I think iam nd to stay the hell away from him #he cursed me out toi# nd I said told I will do as u say! This morning he texts me “Hi” out of the blue ! I deleted his number and everything! Wht the hell he wants ?

  23. confused

    i have been talking to an ex on a social network for about 8 months now. I am married have been for several yrs but my husband cheated on me yrs ago and I have never truly forgiven him and the marriage hasn’t been good since, Any way about this ex if you want to call him a ex we dated a little in high school then again when we were in our late 20’s we never really ended the relationship just sort of went our separate ways for no apparent reasons just stopped. we live in different states we talk about meeting. the conversations are brief. I want to see him again and he me but the miles keep us apart. My present relationship has been abusive at times in the past and I am afraid it could be again.
    I could not make it alone financially I guess that’s why I stay and being afraid. The ex does not know my situation he is not married and hasn’t been for years. Any advice?

    1. MJ

      I just got a 1:39 AM call from an ex…25 years after we broke up. The first time around was a spectacular failure…I was too young to know what love is…there was affection and fondness…but mostly a desperate need to be IN LOVE. The ex called me, reminisced about good times, brought up highly detailed accounts of my past bad behavior, professed undying love for me, confessed to being drunk and drinking while on the phone with me, complained about a recent DWI, and told me that his wife was upstairs sleeping and mentioned that his teeth need work after being rotted out from methamphetamine use and “licking the blade used to prepare the powder.” I am considering changing my phone number.

  24. Subzero

    While I was studying in med school. I dated a fellow med student , let call her H. We were together for 3 years . We were really compatible (imo) and we even discussed marriage. Then at the beginning of the 4th year , she broke up with me suddenly. H said we were not as compatible as we thought etc etc. I was of course devastated . I tried bargaining with her , asking in what ways I could change . What exactly she was not happy about me ? H was honestly quite a catch . She was good looking and smart. She was not super nice but not a complete bitch. I was good looking too and as a future doctor , my future was pretty bright.

    After trying for 2 weeks, I gave up. I concentrated on my studies . It was really rough esp for the first 3 months. Thankfully, in the fourth year , I could choose which clinical postings to do in which ever order . I made sure H and I were never in the same postings. H did not once contact me. I did not keep tabs on her . After 7 months , I was about fully healed up and started to date again. H then tried to text me at first asking if we could meet up for a dinner . In my mind I was like are you FUCKING serious ? You put me thru deep depression and now you act like we are friends? I just ignored her. While H was a catch , I was not half bad and I knew I would meet someone just as good as H. Finally , she wrote me a letter . She claimed she had cold feet about the relationship etc etc and that she did not have a serious relationship since the break up. I was The One. Being the realist that I am, I snooped around and found that H left me for this uber rich guy. He was also a med student from a different college , good looking and his family is seriously rich. Obviously , things did not work out between them and now H was trying to get back together with me.

    I did not tell anyone I knew about H dating this guy as H and I had some mutual friends. I waited till H called and asked for a face to face talk. I agreed and H suggested we meet up at the park we used to hang out and have picnics . H looked good as usual but when I saw her I felt nothing . No anger, no warm fuzzy feelings. I let her say her piece and then I told her I was not interested in getting back together. I told her both of us will meet other people . I did not tell her I knew about the uber rich guy she traded me in for. After that meeting, H did not contact me . That is till I meet another girl and started dating about 9 months after H and I broke up. H went psycho spreading nasty rumors .
    My advise to guys who have been dumped and they have been good to their gfs : no contact to heal. Grieve. Do not keep tabs on your ex . Heal up first and then start dating. If your ex gf comes back, do some snooping around. And remember there are plenty of fish in the sea.

  25. Dwayne

    it’s kind of depressing reading this. When you’re in a relationship so long and one day the other person says it’s not good enough. No amount of trying to fix things can do anything, once they’ve determined to leave you it’s pretty much over. There is so much advice out there for females but barely any for guys. It’s so hard to not contact and just act as if the person doesn’t exist anymore, it’s such a terrible feeling, especially when you have no ill feelings towards the opposite person.

  26. shana

    My ex girlfriend call which I was in shocked. The next day she call and hung up so I called she answer and said don’t call me back. So I said you call me back twice. She kept saying no she did not. Then you and not say anything when new girlfriend answer. Then ask who is this I her my name. She said oh but voice was in angry but I said my name it gotten soft and cslm

  27. James

    Obviously there are a plethora of variables with such things but the easiest factors are: age, timing, maturity, needs/benefits of a relationship. Older and deeper needs or younger shallow/ego stroking/insecurity based needs for relationships.

    I’d say there are two scenarios with this and acknowledge that more than that could be set out and/or correct but:

    1. Playing it careful/cool: acting/being aloof in order to gain/maintain/regain ‘control’ of the relationship (current or past) – be that friend or partner. Yes, this works if this is the scenario, almost invariably but ask yourself: do you want someone whom allows such behaviour/tactics to genuinely affect their relationship with you? A bit childish, no? A bit shallow, no? I personally don’t, I’m 32 and if a friend or girlfriend is like that it’s a major turn off for me…..MAJOR

    2. If they, you or both aren’t about all that (option 1) then there are 2 possibilities; they are thinking of you and are simply touching base due to those fond memories/history/love and simply wish you well and are catching up (rare and almost exclusive to pretty mature types age/behaviour/personality-wise) OR for similar reasons miss you and are contacting you as they now realise what you had and consciously or not want to re-visit this…

    There’s no right or wrong obviously but all I would say is that if the person/situation is more akin to No: 1 then unless you are 15~ years old; ignore it, leave it and move on – it’s immature, shallow and most likely temporary.

    I’ve had ex-girlfriends try it and although I didn’t ignore them, I also won’t play ball…..it didn’t work before – why would it now?

    HOUSE MD: People don’t change; fundamentally I agree

    Good luck

  28. max

    Please help me dated for 3.5 yrs went on 4 months holiday recived a break up email half way into my holiday. Have had no contact for 31 days how would I respond (Hey I know you want stuff back. I’m happy to give it back to you. Just I want the scarf back.)

  29. Ahmad

    Today, my ex girlfriend sent me an email saying that she just saw an old song I have sent on her email. It’s been more than 7 months since we broke up and we both know that we can’t be together. I have changed my cell phone number after we broke up and I blocked her everywhere on social networks so that she won’t contact me but I forgot to block her email. She’s saying in the email that she is just checking on me and that she knows that I will not answer her but she just want to drop a hi. I know I shouldn’t think about it and about her but I should I reply? And what to say if yes I should reply? She I ignore her or will ignoring her make her try to contact me more?

  30. Nj

    After 5 years last night my ex gf suddenly contact me and now behaves like nothing happened in past between us. Today she call me talked about 3 hrs continued . Maybe I still her but I am really confused now what to do. Guys please guide me what to do ?

    1. Parkah Louis

      If I were you, I’d leave her where she stood. More than likely, the breakup was her fault, but she doesn’t want to take accountability for her actions. That monster will show right back up when pressure hits the relationship again. You were doing fine without her. Why start on a journey that leads to a destination of putting you further behind in the End?

  31. Jayanath ek

    This article covers everything….was really helpful…hats off to you for helping understand about relationships.

    1. Hanna

      I must admit, this caster Robinson buckler is real. i Emailed Robinson.buckler when my boyfriend departed from me. but since my boyfriend came back I definitely believe Robinson.buckler @ yahoo. com } is real…..

  32. Sue


  33. Johannes

    I have an ex, who was for all intensive purposes my soulmate. Dated for 6 yrs-through high school and college. Young love, first love. Growing together proved to be difficult. Mistakes were made by both of us, Broke up for good one summer, she began dating, then married someone whom I suspected she was cheating on me with. It is perhaps twisted, but I do not hold this against her-Feelings are weird, having connections with multiple people is within possibility. Now they have a Family.

    Ignored the call Last week. It’s been about 5 years since we have spoken. I guess She was reminiscing… But to break the silence, knowing there would be so much weight to the words she spoke in the message. “Hope you are well,”

    I spent so much time putting this behind me. She knows how hard it was to lose her, she knows how deep our love was, however flawed we may have been.

    it was she who told me to stop contacting her. Why now? It has been years. I gave her what she wanted. I walked, and eventually moved away. As soon as I saw the phone ring, a little light in my brain turned back on, I could feel a connection again that I tried so hard to forget. I could feel my heart pounding through my chest.

    Hearing her voice broke my heart a little bit. There was sadness in the tone. I remember the way that she smelled, and how her feet barely touched the ground.

    I am confused. I am no one, and she Is an ocean.

    I cannot bring myself to respond. Of course I want to, but I do not know if I ever will.
    This is one of those moments where I ponder whether the universe is testing me, or this is an act of fate, pulling at my heartstrings.

  34. Jamie Staton

    Ok my guy friend calls me and tells me there is this girl that he’s been kind of scene and she says that she is going to go eat dinner with her ex-husband and she asked him did he mind or how did he feel about it what should he say to her?

  35. Lisa

    My ex tried to contact me. He stated that he was now in a bad relationship that wasn’t healthy. Stated that he had feelings for me and he loves me but needed to get hisself together. In a sneaky way he was asking if I would wait for him. He tried to brush up on me in a sexual way.

  36. Dean

    Don’t even waste your time if the relationships had good memories it wouldn’t have ended so don’t waste your time what do they want who gives a shit if they done u wrong don’t wast time in.a phone call I going threw same thing and I’m done just don’t fail in your self there clearly unhappy and about the power thing if that’s what people gain it’s a joke and hurtful feeling get hurt just be done