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How To Get Over Losing Your First Love

If you don't stay with her for the rest of your life, you will lose her If you don't stay with her for the rest of your life, you will lose her

Unless you are with her now, every man has at one point in his life lost his first love. For many men, it is a devastating experience that can be hard to overcome. But read on. This guide will show you exactly how to get over losing your first real love.

It happens to everybody. In fact, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had their heart crushed at some point in life. It is more than normal. What isn’t as consistent over the whole line, though, is how the person with the broken heart tackles the situation.

Some spend three weeks sobbing, only to return to normal after a few crazy nights out. Some seem to ignore it – only for it to come back later and sting them even harder. Some act out insanely, getting upset about the smallest things and calling the lost love at every hour of the night. And then some never seem to get over it.

It’s always the same story

It’s often the same story. Girl leaves guy. Guy can’t understand it – what did he do wrong? Closure is next to none. But he doesn’t seem to want to move on… Since she was the best he ever had. Sound familiar?

So instead he does all kinds of stupid sh*t to get her back… When really, he could have had fun with hundreds of girls over the same period.

Get over her before chasing her

In my philosophy, what is given to you is what you deserve. And that goes both ways. That’s why I don’t usually recommend chasing after a girl if she has just broken up with you. Her reason was probably pretty good, and you can use energy more efficiently than chasing after someone who doesn’t want you.

Now, of course there are exceptions. Millions of them. But usually, if you get over a girl, magically, your chance of getting her back gets better.

After getting over someone, you have the chance to take a look at them in a new light and take your decision to be with the person more intelligently. You are not blinded by feelings, like you are if you are heartbroken. And when you have less to lose (read: you don’t care as much), you will seem more sexy and confident in her eyes.

Who would want a crying loser back? Not me. I’d rather go back to someone who has grown in the process, so the relationship can continue developing in a positive direction. Wouldn’t you?

The best way to grow is to get over her

The best way to grow is to get over your lost love, so you can focus on the more important things in your life than being sad: friendship, hobbies, sports, education etc. Amazingly, focusing on these things help with getting over her as you are focusing on something else… and the circle continues, until you’ve fully healed.

How can you know that she’s the best out there?

When a client asks me how to get over his first love, one of my first questions back is usually: ”how can you know that she’s the best out there?”

Often, he can’t. But he won’t admit it. His brain is wired to try to stay with what is familiar, since new = dangerous. But new is also exciting, refreshing and fun.

And I know that she was wonderful. Caring, loving, smart… I get the drift. But I can tell you this much: she is not the only one. Far from it. I get a lot of email every single day from guys who have trouble getting over their ex-girlfriends. And they’re all perfect. How many (single) perfect girls does that give us? A helluva lot! So don’t sweat it – there is definitely not a shortage of girls in the world.

Life is far from over

Your life is far from over. Think about all the things you have time to do now that you didn’t have before. And here is a little secret: most of your friends are probably glad that you and her are through… Now you can have fun with them and get hammered just like you used to, without thinking about when you should be home and what ”she would think”.

Losing your first love happens to everybody. Everybody had a girlfriend once that they do not have now. That’s the circle, folks. But you are getting stronger, tougher and cooler, and the next girl will be better, I promise.

It would be really interesting to hear some of your positive stories about how losing your first love actually helped you in some way or the other.

You go first – I’ll share mine in the comments as well.

Also, I highly encourage you to check out my book called “The Ex-Girlfriend Solution”. It includes everything you ever wanted to know about getting over your ex and moving on with your life. It takes you right from the break-up to your new relationship, and it answers all the questions I get all the time, like “what to do if she wants to be friends”, “how to avoid being distracted by thoughts about her”, “how to fall asleep when I miss her” etc… Read more about it here!

Image by Bethan.

42 thoughts on “How To Get Over Losing Your First Love

  1. I.S.O.

    This post is so honest that its scary. I’ve lived this. I was in a relationship with my first love-for four years. We went through a pretty bad breakup and I was damn near suicidal for about 2months. Needles to say I was responsible for the breakup, there were insecurities that I had to deal with. After spending months trying to regain my confidence- i did a lot of what this post said to do. I actually found this site while going through my breakup last year. I was depressed & felt like my world had ended. Finding this site really help me to change my life- and it worked. Time went on and I became stronger as a man, a we became friends again- then eventually lovers. This all happen within a span of about 6months. Then it Happened again. Six months into our second relationship she left me Again. I obviously didn’t deal with my issues from the past sonthey resurfaced again. Make sure your over the first breakup once you guys become friends again. Don’t let any insecurieties resurface the second time around. Make sure your strong and you present yourself with confidence & sex appeal. Ive been through hell and back when dealing with lost love and I must say that this post Is the absolute truth when dealing with losing your “first love”. It worked for me- but when we got back together I didn’t resolve my issues and karma mixed with insecurity was the demise of it all. We’re still very close and I pray that I’ll get another chance because Im now 100% positive on how to right my wrongs. If your struggling with lost love, please take Alexs’ advice- It will change your life.

    Reply
  2. Bakvis

    I was in my first real relationship. The previous ones were just games eventhough I would have said that I am looking for miss right. I was young and had many things to look forward to in the future. Now however things have slown down and I am looking for that one right person. The relationship lasted 8 months. I was blind and this caused me not to see how verbaly abusive she was. I was not her 10 and this made me want to make me a 10. Rong move. I became a whussy. I only realised 2 months after the breakup that I was in an abusive relationship. After the breakup I also asked why allot and could not understand, since I put in everything into the relationship. The longer after the better. She was not the one I wanted and I am sorry to say that it had to take her leaving me to realise it. So I guess I am thankful for that and the fact that we did not sleep toghether, cause that would have messed me up completely. I have re-arranged what I want and she was not it. I still sometimes think about her and the life I had, but it is all for the better. “The best is yet to come” and it does not always feel that way, but it will. Just holdon and “the best revenge is living the best life”. Go out and live it.

    Reply
  3. Alex Kay Post author

    I.S.O, thanks for the comment and kind words. I’m sure that you can get her back if that is what is really best for the two of you… since you ‘corrected your wrongs’, so to say :-)

    And Bakvis, yes, the best revenge, if you want to call it that, is definitely to live the best life you can. And yes, no doubt that you have the best to come. Best of luck from me!

    Alex

    Reply
  4. AceCrime

    Yup, fully agree on the matter, Alex. When I had to get over my first break-up, and in hindsight I handled it really well, what got me most motivated to move on was the realisation that nobody wants an emotional wreck as a partner. Especially if she just dumped you for that reason. You can cry and weep call her at night all you want, but it’s not going to raise your chances that much. Even worse, it could possibly lower them. That doesn’t mean I didn’t sob or feel sorrow; mourning isn’t a bad thing. Just don’t get stuck in it.
    The best way to act is to move on and enjoy life. Either way. If you then still positively want to be with your ex, you do at least have a sporting chance. If not, you got over her anyway.

    Reply
  5. Paul

    It took me the last 7 months to get over my ex, but I can say that I am now about 95% over her. There are times that I am nostalgic and miss her, we were together for 3.5 years. But truth is, and it took me awhile to accept, but we broke up because we weren’t working. And now I see that. At first I spent my time heartbroken, not focusing on me, now I am focused and determined, like this article states. If we had never broken up I would have never appreciate her the way I do now. There are no hard feelings, I now know what I want in a woman, relationship and from myself. I still have a lot of soul searching to do, and if this is your first true love, like mine, then you understand that you need to learn to love yourself again as much as you need to let go so that you can love someone else again.

    Reply
  6. Alex Kay Post author

    AceCrime, you hit it right on the head. Couldn’t have said it better!

    And yes Paul, it is always great to look at what you can learn from a past relationship instead of just focusing on the bad things. And yes, you need to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. Thanks for the comment!

    Reply
  7. Patrick

    my story is, after breaking up with my ex (the one I love the most so far), I eventually grew stronger and found out my life goal, what I really want to do for my life. Again, I admit that it is not quite easy to get over someone like that and move on. Though, thank you for the great advice here!

    Reply
  8. Mike

    Today I noticed on her facebook page, she changed her status to “in a relationship”, and even though it’s been a while, I think deep down inside I was hoping someday we will get back together.

    But when this happens, when she get’s into a new relationship, how do you deal with that, I mean, it at least feels like a bump, doesn’t it?

    Reply
  9. Alex Kay Post author

    Sounds good Patrick, and no problem!

    Mike, her being in a new relationship really doesn’t change anything. Your goal should still be to get over her – and well, now it just became a bit easier: she definitely doesn’t want to be with you. So now you can focus on just your feelings for her, and nothing else. Shoot me a mail if you have troubles with it!

    Alex

    Reply
  10. Daniel

    Written by D-Cent.

    D-Cent
    1. Hey Guys
    I am going to give another opinion on how to handle a recent break up. Like I said on my previous post(s) I have recently gone through a bad breakup. I have learned a lot about myself and the behavior of women who break our hearts and the men with the broken hearts.
    Once it is clear that you and your ex have broken up, it has instantly become “Mental Warfare” between you and your ex. Her mental goal is to convince herself and you that she does not need you anymore. She also wants to believe that she is the “Crown Jewel” of the relationship. All women want to feel wanted and needed even after they break up with you. It makes it that much easier for her to walk away from you knowing that you are grieving over her leaving you (sick Huh). Lets think about this for a second.
    Let say that you and your ex break up and that you make the classic mistake that most men make and start calling, texting, begging, emailing, professing your love, crying and making yourself look like a big pussy. By you doing this it makes it that much easier for her to walk way and move on from you. Like I said before a woman want to feel like that she is the most important thing in your relationship, so when you start begging and crying all this does is verify this in her mind and she walks away from the situation with her self esteem and ego still intact.
    Lets flip the script.
    You and your ex break up and instead of making the usual mistake of begging and crying, all that you say to her is just “OK”. Now these are the most powerful two letters (O.K.) on earth when a woman tries to dump you because instantly you have taken the sail out of her wind. Instantly she has stop thinking about why she wants to leave you and now all of a sudden she wondering why you are so “OK” with the idea of her leaving you. I am going to say it again that a women wants to feel like she is the “Crown Jewel” of a relationship but by you acting like you are OK with the breakup, she realize that she does not have that much clout with you like she thought.
    I must stress to you that “Perception” is everything and “Reality” is bullshit. Now the “Reality” of things is that you are hurting, grieving, crying, missing her and just plan old fucked up about the relationship ending but fuck that, you want her to see the “Perception”, which will show her that you are nonchalant and ok with the idea of a break up. This is a very difficult task to achieve, you must have your emotions mastered to pull this off but if you execute this properly you will achieve two things. 1) This will increase your chance of getting back together with your ex (if you want her back) because now she feels like she is “losing” you instead of her thinking that she is “leaving” you. 2) If the both of you do not get back together, she will walk away from the relationship with so much more respect for you and have a harder time getting over the breakup because you had a “Take it or Leave It” attitude and you showed unshakable confidence whether she was in your life or not. Women are backward creatures, when they see that they have very little effect on you, then they want you more.
    The next step is to reinforce the “Perception” with the right action.
    I am a strong believer in the NC rule, especially if it is bad breakup where she has betrayed you in some sort of way but if you and your ex are still in contact with each other like I am with my ex then I think you have a strong chance to shift the balance of power in your favor. Remember this, it is all “Mental Warfare” Below is a small list of what to do and how it effects your ex.
    • Never talk about getting back together, never ask who she is dating or sleeping with, never tell her that you love her, miss her or thinking about her. All these things show her that you still are affected by her, which will give her more strength to move on. You want to come across that you do not give a shit on what is going on in her life. You could care less.
    • If she calls you first never answer the phone, wait to see if she leaves a message and then return her call the next day only if she leaves a message. If she sends you the first text wait about 2 hours later to respond. If she sends you an email wait 2 days later to respond. The key is to have a delay response when your ex reaches out to you but make sure you respond because not responding shows that you are upset which in turn tells her that she has an effect on you.
    • Keep all conversation, short and sweet. Make sure that you end all conversation. My best tactic is while I am on the phone with my ex after about 1-2 minutes of talking, I tell her to hold on because I have another call on the other line. I switch over to the other line and I never switch back to her, leaving her on the phone waiting. Eventually she calls me back to see why I left her on the phone but I do not answer. I wait to call her back the next day and tell her in a very casual but unapologetic manner that “I got caught up into something”. This shows her that you have no problem dropping her like a rock if something else comes into play.
    • If you still have the ability to have sex with your ex. I think you should take advantage of this because by far sex is your most powerful weapon to infiltrate her mind. The next time that you and your ex have sex, you need to fuck her like you never have fucked her before in your life. Fuck her like you are a pornstar, fuck her until she is begging you to stop. Fuck her like she is the last piece of ass that you are ever going to get. Fuck her like she is sleeping with someone else totally different from you. Try new and freaky positions that you have never done with her before. Fuck her all over the house on different pieces of furniture. Become a sexual beast when it comes to her. Do not make love to her with a whole lot of kissing and cuddling but just fuck her brains out. What all this does is leave her dazed and confused in a good way. She is going to be wondering what has gotten into you and who else you might be sleeping with that would make you a totally different person in bed.
    • Once you have finished having sex with her. Do not stay around cuddling and having pillow talks with her. If you are at her place, right after sex get up, put your clothes on and tell her that you got somewhere to be and leave. The same goes if she is at your place, tell her that you got something to do and make her leave. Once she or you is gone do not call her wait until she calls you. When she does call you do not answer the call, return her call the next day and never mention the day/night that you both had sex, act like it never happened. This keeps her off balance and always wondering about your mindset towards her.
    • Do not meet her face to face unless you are planning to have sex with her. No outings for lunch, no starbucks…….. nothing. If sex does not happen, find an excuse to leave soon after. What this does is show her that you have taken her off this pedestal that you have put her on and now she is feeling more like a piece of ass to you then the “Crown Jewel” that she once thought. This will make her want to be more emotionally connected to you.
    Trust me these tactics work. I am living proof. My girlfriend of 4 years (lived together for 3 years) cheated and left me for another guy. I could have walked away and never talked to her again. I could have easily played the no NC rule and walked away with hurt feeling but instead I wanted revenge, I want mental and emotional revenge. Now she cant understand how I went to being in love with her so much to now treating her like a piece of ass.
    “Revenge is a dish best served cold”

    Reply
  11. scofield8712

    I am a 30 years old lawyer, charming and good-kind . Now I am seeking a good older woman who can give me pure love. So I got a username 007chris on —triple w. age date 。 c 0 ^^—. It’s an amazing website since most of the member are serious and real. Please reply me there if you are interested.

    Reply
  12. RoD

    I was with my first love for nearly two years, she didnt come home from work for a week i texting her and she said she staying at her mates save us money on travel costs, then out the blue she text me say we over she didnt want me anymore so i move out the house. after a week wek meet up sort things out even kissed, we text each other for days we not meet up as she busy with work, then my sister sees her in train station holding hands with another guy and her mate said she sew them kissing. my ex text me next day like if everything ok i asked who he was she said a mate from work i believed her. again we text each other then she stopped for a week then she rings meet up at a pub i told her i cant as im out my mates. she said no worries, then she text say now you got paid you could least come the casino where I work so I said maybe and she said no worries you dont want see me, so I went the casino see her she at reception she looked nervous and scared she took me the bar and she served me a pint of stella we talked like normal guy who was dealing one tables kept looking over. she then left text me say she in office doing work and dont leave the casino yet otherwise you make it look obvious we know each other i text ok hour went by I asked the barmaid wheres Kate gone? they said home with her toyboy I said im her boyfriend oh she said, the manager came over asked me leave I spoke her said is true about her toyboy she said yes we talked about it a bit she said sounds like she told you lot lies. I left I got home I cried for awhile and had few beers and i text her say I know you got toyboy she said your being drunk and stupid text her some horrible things and she sent me some horrible things the next day and I not heard anything since. sorry my story bit boring but I wanted put it on here as I wished I read this site soon and listen to your advice.

    Reply
  13. Manju

    Its my first love failure. She is leaving happyly but i cant be normal like her.she cheated me emotionaly

    Reply
  14. liam

    my girlfriend dumped me on new yrs eve this yr 2011 ,as we were getting ready to go out ,we have two kids ,a boy 6 and a girl 14 ,my head is still in a mess ,that was over six months ago , she was a head wrecker ,beautiful looking ,good body ,but so abusive in the last four or five years , knocking me down at every chance ,she is nine yrs younger than me ,and she was all i had for the last 15 yrs , i lost all contact with my friends , could not go into town for a drink with the boys , as there always was a thousand and one questions when i got back, now i am so alone , i am 53yrs old and feel this is my life from now on , and i feel like a school boy , thinking of her meeting someone else , and doing the things we used to do intimately ,my imagination runs wild sometimes and i get sick in my stomach ,why is this ,anyone able to help me cope with all this , liam

    Reply
  15. Cal

    Alex, I can’t begin to express how much I wish I’d found this when my first girl left me.

    That was 18 months ago and to say I did not handle it well is a bit of an understatement – bottled it all up inside, didn’t let on how much I was hurting, avoided making connections with new girls. Long story short, developed depression and hated myself for “letting it happen to me”. Then one day I woke up and decided that this wasn’t working for me, and did everything you talk about – got heavily involved in sports, changed my career to something I actually wanted to do, and made a million new friends.

    Met ‘her’ again for the first time 2 weeks ago at a party – she couldn’t believe how much I’d changed. I was confident, calm, and more importantly in control of myself and the situation. She spent the night hovering around me, trying to talk to me, laughing at everything I said. She pulled me aside as I was leaving and told me that she thought she had made a big mistake leaving me, and wanted me to stay the night at hers to ‘talk’. I told her her leaving me was the best jumpstart I’ve ever had in my life, and I wouldn’t have become the person I am today. There’s a whole world out there full of amazing people, I was just getting started, and I hoped she enjoyed the rest of the night.

    She’s not the only or the best one out there fellas – never forget that. Grow, change, become the person you wanted to be when you were 10 yrs old. If you’re enjoying yourself people will pick up on that and flock to you. Life will work out for you – you just gotta give it a helping hand.

    Reply
    1. Mike

      Hey Cal

      I wonder if you could explain how you managed to overcome the sadness and the depression you were suffering from? I, myself, am currently going through a heartbreak. My first love left me a few months ago, and while I do feel small improvements, I am still far from feeling happy. I still think of her every day, and I miss being happy and confident like I used to be back when we first got together.

      How long did it take you to “wake up” and begin living your new life after losing your first love (I assume she broke up), did you have any contact with her during those 18 months, and what made you overcome the sadness and depression?

      Reply
  16. liam

    how does the no contact rule work when you got kids ,mind you ,she is now trying to turn my kids on me ,crazy bird ..

    Reply
  17. JC

    For me, I never knew true happiness until I was with my ex-girlfriend. We were together for about 7 months, and she had been my best friend before that. Pretty much it felt like we were dating for awhile before we actually started. Though my friends insist that it wasn’t a great relationship, and they might be right, I still had never been as happy. Even before we started dating, she was the first person that had cared about me, understood me, and the first person I felt like I could tell anything to. One warning sign could have been when I told her I loved her, and she just said she wasn’t at that point yet. Fast forward to about 8 months ago, the day before we had had a bit of a fight, and though I had cooled down, she was still upset, but about something else. When I approached her about what was bothering her, she just said she couldn’t do it anymore. She said she wasn’t able to feel anything for me and that it wasn’t fair to me to keep the relationship going. This was all news to me, it was an utter shock, even though she said she had thought about for a few weeks then. I tried for weeks to get her back, but to no avail. After that, I kind of just let myself go, I was a wreck and still am. I went through series of depression and practically suicidal thoughts. I just was never able to see anyone else the way I saw her. Any girl I’ve looked at or thought about just turned into my ex. She made a couple of attempts to be friends with me, but every time I was just never ready for it yet. Before we graduated, I knew that I could lose her altogether, which I couldn’t stand happening. Though I was starting to come to terms that we were over, I still cared about her immensely. When I asked her about it, she pretty much said that I was going to have a great life but that she didn’t want to be friends. I think this hurt more than when she broke up with me months before. By this time my friends are sick and tired of listening to me complain about this girl, even though it still hurts immensely. I think since I had always been lonely through most of my life, the one time in my life that I felt cared about by someone, I’ve been yearning for that same connection.

    Last night, out of nowhere, I had a dream that it was just her and I, lying down and talking. It felt so real. We talked about everything, we cleared a lot of things up, and worked things out. I never remember my dreams, but this one, I remember every detail. I really don’t know what to do now, I thought I was getting over her, but dreams like this just make me think back about everything.

    Reply
  18. SB

    I had never been in a serious relationship until my junior year in college. There was a girl that I was obsessed with, had a class with her, thought she was beautiful, amazing all that good stuff but never took the time to talk to her because I never thought in a million years there would ever be a chance. I really did nothing until she started talking to me. We started hanging out and eventually it led to an amazing 3 year relationship and eventual engagement. I knew I wanted to marry her as there was no doubt and she had even discussed it before I proposed. 4 months later she ends the engagement because at times she “did not feel 100% about spending the rest of her life with me.” It really went from perfect to nothing, complete 180. She even moved across the country for me and still ended it right before she left.

    I have no way on how to deal with this and I hadn’t talked to her at all other then to give her information on how to send me the ring back. She is really good friends with my sister and still talks to some of my family.

    Tough part is last night would have been our anniversary and out of nowhere she starts texting me! First it was casual and I was giving one word answers and kind of ignoring her. She then starts with the “have a good night” and eventually writes a long text apologizing about everything that happen, how amazing I am and how she doesnt want me to hate her. I love her so much and part of me would get back with her but I know its probably not the right choice. I have no idea how to handle this situation at all.

    Reply
  19. Tim

    My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. We kept our relationship a secret because her mum did not allow her to have a boyfriend, at first we kept it good, then she became colder and colder then she broke up with me. I cried for about 4 hours then fell asleep. Please tell me how to get over her easily.

    Reply
  20. mike

    im in a open relationship with my X-girlfriend. she broke up with me and i couldnt bare a day without talking to her. So for me to see her and still be with her i would have to let her hangout with her friends and let her do her and the same goes for me. she told me to do me and have a good time just don’t have sex with anyone, that was the limit we wouldnt go past. i met her at a bar and she was wild,crazy and just all around a girl i was looking for. for the last 2 months ive cry for this girl over and over but trying to get through those nights when she was out doing her thing.its hard but its the thing i gotta do to have her in my life.sure there were nights when i went out and did my thing but i would always invite her. that was her problem she never invited me which always caused a fight. she looks at her friends and there single very nice and cute looking girl. they go out hookup with guys and my X seems like she wants it back. i hooked up with my fair share of girl but i found her and i dont wanna go out and hookup with random girls just doesnt excite me at all. i treat her very good never one time i ever say no to the girl, it would just be nice for her to change instead of me. any help?

    Reply
  21. ratatouille

    disgusting advice from daniel about having sex with an ex. this is coming from a girl. good luck to you ever getting a girl with that attitude.

    you can go fuck yourself like a pornstar.

    Reply
  22. RJ

    @ Daniel – you are an a$$hole and the reason why men have a hard time with woman. Revenge is the worst thing to do to anyone. This shows that you can’t forces on the real problem … and that is YOU. Men & woman need to love themselves first and once you have that, you can move on in any relationship. However to treat a woman, no matter the situation with disrespect, mental and physical abuse is wrong. You are going to be a very lonely man later in life… even if you have “many” woman.

    Reply
  23. Jamie

    If you want an account of all of the high highs and low lows of the love story that was my first love and that ultimately did just recently come to a very bitter end, follow my blog where you can find all of my articles that tell from the magic of us falling in love to the heartbreak of us falling apart:

    fiveyearfirstlove.tumblr.com

    comment there and let me know what you think, how it makes you feel and share your stories as well!

    Reply
  24. N

    Hello Alex

    I was recently dumped by my girlfriend of four and half years this past friday and I have to say it was very hard to swallow. I endured heartache for a day or two straight until I found your blog which helped out immensely. See we started going out our senior year of high school and eventually made it through all four years of college but it turned out that my insecurities and questioning along with her depleting feelings of love were the eventual end of our relationship.

    In the beginning everything was amazing we talked of being high school sweethearts who would end up getting married and having a family but it just didn’t turn out like that. She eventually told me during the break up that she used to see herself with me in the long run but not anymore. I was completely in shock. I couldn’t believe it that this girl who I had become so accustomed to (we were each other’s first in every kind of way) had just thrown everything way, just like that.

    Yet as I mentioned before I found your blog and everything truly has been getting better. Now I know what your thinking, “this guy was probably never in love with her” your wrong I was head over heels for this girl but by finding this blog, reading the articles and everyones comments/stories I was able to get on the right path as soon as possible.

    By reading your Ebook Alex and utilizing your exercises I not only realized that there were indeed red flags in my relationship that I failed to recognize but that this girl really treated me like shit. She took me for granted and never once did anything to please me. I was always the one offering to get her lunch when she was hungry, the one to give her a massage, the one to leave romantic letters/txts and voicemails. I truly was the giver. Along with that she was verbally abusive, always belittling me and using every obscenity in the book. I now know what to avoid in my next relationship.

    Also your advice on the NC rule is right on. I deleted her on facebook/ twitter, her number and threw out all her shit she bought me (which wasn’t much). I have yet to communicate with her and don’t plan on it till im good and ready. This blog was a god sent and I absolutely recommend this blog and Ebook to anyone going through a break-up, it really does help.

    Now my questions are, am I moving too fast through the 4 phases because deep down I really do feel I’m moving on? And second is it wrong for some part of me to want her to find an asshole boyfriend in her next relationship and realize what good of a guy she had?

    thanks again Alex and all the guys for your shared wisdom, N

    Reply
    1. Alex

      First of all, I am sorry to hear about your break-up, and thank you for your kind words.

      And it’s great that you already know what “not” to look for in your next relationship. There’s nothing in wrong in being the “giver”… If the relationship is otherwise balanced and she sometimes too is the “giver”… But if she never gives anything in return (and perhaps only abuses you), the relationship isn’t balanced at all.

      It’s very difficult for me to say whether or not you are moving too fast. It’s a very personal thing. You simply have to do some soul-searching yourself on that one. But yes, you definitely shouldn’t feel like you want her to have a bad relationship – that’s a tell-tale sign that you’re NOT over her at all.

      Alex

      Reply
      1. N

        Thanks Alex for your input and I have to say when I posted that it was just six days after the break up so you were absolutely right, I was not over her. Yet your ebook has been an unbelievable aid and two months later I truly feel im getting over her. There are certain times where I have a relapse of sadness but then I remember in your ebook stating thats completely normal. Moreover during those times of sadness I tend to repeat to myself that there is no point in being sad over a girl who doesn’t care about you anymore.

        Since the break-up there has been zero contact (phone/email/fbook) besides the encounter which I mentioned in my email and I feel that has also been a very key component in my growth. So Alex thank you so much for everything. Your ebook along with your blog have been the perfect cure. I have also mentioned to my friends going through break-ups about your blog and the NC rule and how much of a must it is in getting over your ex. Thanks again Alex and to all the gentlemen out there who have been dumped by their first love, read the blog, get the ebook, and start the NC rule ASAP. N

        Reply
  25. Patty

    This is a great article. Alex, you are a very intelligent man. I met the most amazing woman in the world a year and a half ago, my first love. Beautiful, intelligent, funny, caring, loving and the list goes on. I was 18 then, I had never been in a relationship or even had a clue what love was. But we were perfect together, for over a year. Not a single fight or argument. I thought what every person in my position thinks…we will be together forever. Around October of last year she moved in with me, and we went from spending one day a week to 7 days a week together. Coming home from work and getting into bed with her was the best feeling in the world. But problems started to occur, as well as arguments. A few months ago we took a break from each other, 7 days or so. We reunited and all was well for a little while. But deep down, I knew we were falling apart, I just refused to believe it. We both lost ourselves. The stress of life, work, the future etc was too much. At a time we turned to each other for closure, but we could no longer do this. Long story short she left me 2 weeks ago. Her reasoning was she was unhappy, about her life and our relationship, and she needed to find herself. It’s funny, even the hardest of men will cry like babies if their heart gets smashed to pieces. Up until she left me, I hadn’t cried in a very long time. Not even watching my grandfather lose his life in front of me could bring me to tears. But love is a crazy thing. Up until I read this I was very angry, I was angry at her for her reasoning. How could she be unhappy when I did everything for her? But now I understand. I now understand I have to be strong, and find myself. I still love her, and I cry every night. But I know I’ll be alright, time heals… time heals. Thanks Alex, this article helped a lot.

    Reply
  26. Biz

    Hi, I am 30 years old and have only had one girlfriend in my entire life…. she is 21. We met two years ago in college, but didn’t become friends until a year later. we went on one date and then she went cold. I took it so hard… I don’t know why. I definitely thought i felt something.. I tried for the next 8 months trying to win her heart…. I must have asked her a hundred times to go out with me or just hang out but she shot me down every time. It was difficult because i made every mistake in the book but she still kept me as a friend. I was so bad… like really really bad. Whinging and crying like a baby. it affected my work and study life as well. I started doing hard drugs and heavy drinking as well.. it was painful to see her everyday. eventually we finished college and I finally started letting go and becoming better. I even realized that i treated this girl so bad to only think of her as a lover/ potential mate so i was prepared to keep her as a good friend and treat her like the decent human being she was. I asked her on one last date just to see if there was any hope left… she accepted it and it was amazing… at the end of the night we kissed and I felt on top of the world. after that we started dating and it was the happiest i had ever been,. thing was that i was about to start uni and move away. we said we would try long distance and for a while it worked…. i paid for her to visit every two weeks… but i felt stressed from studies and living with idiot flatmates. worst still was that i had some resentment that she didn’t get with me sooner. I didn’t open my heart fully…. started thinking about other women and i also started slipping with work and drinking and let my self go…. thing was that there was no indication that she was unhappy but .about a few weeks ago after the last time we met she went a bit cold. two weeks ago she started dropping hints about separating and i ranted like i use to before started dating… i think this was when i started pushing her away… a week ago she broke up with me… i made that same classic mistake that guys do and started crying, begging, pleading… it was bad.. because it was my first time i didn’t realize that this was making it worse… I kept finding out secrets in the process that hurt me more… the worst thing is that she is getting back with her abusive ex…. I don’t know the full story but this destroyed me in a way that i could never comprehend. we talked about marriage and having kids and living a good life together,,,, I still cant believe its gone sometimes… I have never felt pain this deep before… I think short of beating up her ex… i have tried everything within my capacity but i think it made things worse every time and now i fear that if there was any hope of rekindiling something then i have already burned that bridge…. I am devastated. I have decided that I will never love anyone else but her…. I feel for her more than i ever did and never want to let go… it took me 30 years before i felt love… she was special enough to reach me… I want her and only her. .. I don’t want to be alone anymore… I still feel raw… I told her that I am coming to terms with it but really i just cant stop crying… I am about to fail at uni and I want to drop out now… I dont know what to do anymore… someone please help.

    Reply
  27. N

    First off Biz sorry to hear about the loss, breakups are never easy to get over especially considering she was your first gf. Trust me though it does get easier the pain your feeling, the loss of appetite and lack of motivation is normal but drinking and drugs is absolutely 100% not the answer. Workout, go for run, pick up a hobby anything but the drugs. Also don’t let this one girl who even though you feel is the only girl for you (I too had the same thought process) squander your concentration away from your work, stay focused. I know it may feel like the end of the world but seriously man there are soooooooo many more girls out there and even though you feel right now that no other girl is remotely attractive just give it a little time. Hang out with your bros go out and meet new people. When talking to other women just strike up a casual convo by doing this you’ll begin to realize that 1. there are plenty fish in the see (sorry for the cliche) but its true 2. you’ll discover that there is a guy inside you that you didn’t even know existed 3. helps with getting over the ex. Also from reading your post it looks like you broke the golden rule of NO CONTACT. Get back to the basics immediately and cut her off from your life. Calls, texts, emails, facebook, twitter, walki-talkie….you get the point every single imaginable device used for communication cut it off. When my gf broke up with me the one thing that I recommended to any man going through a breakup is the NC rule it truly does work. Also throw everything that reminds you of her i.e. gifts, cards, music, pics, all of it because it does way more harm then good. Hope this helps man and keep up the good fight.

    Reply
  28. Josh Sivia

    My name is Josh sivia I attend Civic Memorial High in Bethalto Illinois. My ex and I were together for about a year and 4 months. I think it is safe to say she was my first love. This break up is tearing me apart and making me a bad person that I do not want to be. I do believe that I will love again and I do not want her back. My story is rather touchy so if I could contact someone under the radar it would be much appreciated.

    Reply
  29. SUN

    “Susismita Bora” She was my everything. My Life, My breath. We were friends for 10 years and then we decided to be in a relationship. She always knew that I liked her ever since college days, but I never said so. One fine day she came to me and gave me all hints and courage to tell her what I feel about her. She quickly accepted. We were together for more than a year. Finally she found some one else. and I was madly down and lowest to low in my life.

    How could she do it … and why ? I never understood. and probably will never coz we were so happy in the relationship. smiles and hugs were all around. one fine day she broke up via email and that was it.

    All contacts calls or any other possible communication stopped. So were our dreams. Dreams of mrrg kids, spending life together.. End to everything.

    I learned one thing .. Never make anyone priority in life. Being selfish is always good. We have to take care of ourselves. Frankly she was the one who could have stopped my tears, but here she was the one making me cry… i had no one to turn onto..

    I cried like hell… I was lonely. I locked up myself in my room for almost 2 months…

    and then submitted myself to my parents who decided things for me then.

    I have no regrets on what happened but she lost one person who loved her beyond anything or anyone. she lost someone who could have gave her happiness she would never experience in her whole life.

    She lost some one who loved her truly. My loss is nothing as compare to her’s.

    My god bless her where ever she is.

    Reply
  30. Chuck

    Hey, so me and my ex-girlfriend dated for a year. We were each others first boyfriend and girlfriend. We had such a great time with each other. I was so happy she made me happier than anybody did in the whole world. I honestly wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We had a few fights because at times she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be together because she was afriad if we were to young and she wasn’t sure if she was ready for a serious relationship. We always got through these fights quickly and moved on strongly. Then a couple of months ago she was acting weird and I made her tell me what was wrong and she said she wanted to break up. I was devastated. She said that we had been together for a year and she felt like we did everything we could do and she wanted to move on to the next chapter of her life.
    The thing is after this she kept texting me flirtatiously. She would be very nice to me and text me nice things. She would freak out if she texted me and I didn’t respond right away. We lived at college so I would see her around campus and when we went out. She left with a guy once when we were out and I was upset, but then a day later she texted saying she didn’t do anything with him and she didn’t want me to think she was being a slut. Then one if the last nights out of the semester she hooked up with a guy right in front of me! It was the same guy she left with that night. I was devastated. I stopped talking to her and ignored her when I saw her. Then before I went home for the summer I left her a goodbye note saying I didn’t want us to be on bad terms and that I was sorry about things turned out. She texted me later in the night saying she was sorry about hooking up with the guy and she would redo it if she could. She said I was a perfect boyfriend and person and she was sorry she let me down. She said she knows i will find somebody who will make me 10x happier than she ever could. It felt good to get closure but now I’m home and I’m still depressed. I can’t get the image of her hooking up with the guy out of my head. Our relationship was so perfect and I still love her so much. Her family loved me and was against the break up and my family like her so much. I haven’t talked to her for 2 weeks and I haven’t used any social media so I can’t look at what she’s doing. I’m just really said I’ve been going to the gym and hanging out with friends but I can’t stop think about her. I have trouble eating and I either sleep too much or too little. I’m waiting at least a month before I ever talk to her again and bring back my social media. I’m trusting the no contact rule. The truth is no matter how much she hurt me I still want her back. I’m sorry this post was so long I just need to vent. Can somebody please help cause I’m tired of bring sad all the time.

    Reply
  31. Mad

    Hey,

    I’m 19. Just moved into another city to study. I had no friends here and I met a girl and we got into a relationship. That was my first relationship ever. We were together for 3 months and now it has been 3 months since the break-up and I can’t seem to get over her. I’ve dated three other girls since and still meeting new people but I still miss her. I know all the reasons why we broke-up and I feel like I can fix it.
    Not having any friends here has made it so much more difficult for me. I always think of her. Since then I have understood how human relationships work, I started doing things with my life and being more active.
    I don’t know if I will ever feel the same I felt for her for another person.

    Reply
  32. Derrik

    I just miss how she used to be, when we first started going out, it was summer, and I didn’t live near her, she was so eager to kiss me too, out first kiss was at a park, and it made her so happy that she smiled, in the kiss, she didn’t kiss back, we used to sneak to the side of her house just to kiss alot because her parents didn’t like it, then when we started going to the same school, we slowly stopped doing stuff in public, which made me sad, and alot of the time if we went out with one of her friends, her friend was number one priority, she would even walk next to her friend on the sidewalk leaving me to walk behind, I wasn’t the most mature of people back then, and I didn’t wanna be, and she didn’t wanna do stuff in public, or private sometimes, and we ended because she wanted a different type of guy for some reason even though she said I was the best boyfriend she ever had, and she asked me to change, and be more mature, which I didn’t want to, but i started anyway, and I wanted to kiss her more in public and do more stuff together, but that somehow made me selfish, I just don’t get it, I understand not liking public display of affection, but its not that she was afraid, its that she just sisn’t want to, even though she used to always want to, so if I ask her to do something she doesn’t want, I’m self centered, but if she asks me, I have to or she’s leaving me, which is why we broke up, I wouldn’t change who I am, we even took a trip to a national park once for one of her friends birthday, well my girlfriend and her friend, along with her friends boyfriend kept wondering off without my girlfriend even inviting me, and I hate being cut out, and she knows that, and afterwards, once I got dropped off, everyone else started talking about how clingy I was, because I wanted to spend time with my girlfriend, but oh no, the birthday girls boyfriend isn’t clingy because he went along, I found this out because my girlfriend told me what people said, she she did stop being the girls friend which made me kinda happy that she’d go that far to defend me from her friends, and one of my friends called her a bitch once, and I told him not to and i stopped being his friend, but my girlfriend went back to being that one girls friend and if I had an issue with it, i had to “get used to it”, but if I wanted my friend back, who said alot less that her friend did, I got yelled at, do all girls do that? it makes absolutely no sense, how am I clingy if that one girls boyfriend went along? she invited him to go, but my girlfriend didnt invite me to go with them, why? I hate it, why was I treated unfairly? if anyone can provide any advice, please email me at iamumari@ymail.com I would just really love to know why she did those things, and how I was selfish but she someone isnt when I’m the one being treated unfair

    Reply
  33. Rob

    I was in a relationship for 6 years. We started dating when she was 17. I was 19. Best six years of my life. Last year I entered the hospital for almost a year (major health issue) once I regained strength and power. We had plans to enjoy this summer together. She ended the relationship just because she needed time for herself. Her best friend is my sister which makes this even harder for me. She is not interested in other men. I understand that if she wants to come back she will come. Hearing her say she doesn’t feel the same anymore kills me. I feel like I could never open my heart fully to anybody. I was doing okay for the first month but now it’s hitting me very hard. I miss her like crazy. We communicated once and she told me she is content with how things are.
    Any wise words?

    Reply
  34. Jordo

    My girlfriend of about 8-9 months and I just broke up. I’m devastated to say the least. We broke up once before in the beginning of the relationship and I broke all contact for a month and I got the “i still think of you text” from her and she wanted to go again. We got back together and everything was amazing. We were so perfect together and we quickly became each others first loves. With her saying it first and engraving it on a bracelet for me. She is perfect, so gorgeous, smart and funny. I can’t see my life without her. I really don’t know why we broke up but we would have the same arguments over and over and she became more short and bitchy with me. Ultimately saying she finds it hard to be nice to me sometimes and just ended it after a perfectly normal evening while I was staying the night. It has been very hard for me and I only have her 1 call a few days after to no answer so I know not to do this again. If she wants to be together she will come back to me. There is nothing I can do so no contact is key once again.

    Reply