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[JCZ]

Hi guys,

You might remember me asking a question about overcoming social anxiety, or shyness, as I called it. Well, time for an update, I guess. There's something interesting down the road.

So, last week, I really kicked myself into gear. Went to the mall with this one target: to stop a girl (or more at one time) and ask them for a trivial something. I asked for the time. Found out something nice: when I translate the sentence "do you have the time?" (feel free to fill in more polite versions of them, English is not my native language) literally into Dutch, I have something which can either mean "do you know the time?" or "do you have a moment?" Confusion, I like that. I used this to my advantage ("No, I don't mean THAT. Just..." always good for at least a smile).

My personal target was to get used to talking to people at random. One never knows when such a thing might come in handy (ahem!).

I talked to about 45 girls that way. With some of them, I had longer conversations.

To my big surprise, I suddenly felt walking up to a girl something I really wanted to do. Not anything to really be afraid of anymore. Of course, I'm not yet a hero regarding this matter... Still, I'm starting to get this 'craving' to just go up to the other sex. I find myself being bold enough to maintain solid eye contact, too. Before, I found this too scary. Right now, I know the surge of energy one gets with prolonged eye contact is not something to be afraid of. And frankly, I don't care if a woman doesn't react anymore; I probably won't see her ever again.

I know life can be an emotional rollercoaster, especially when there's things like these at stake. Still, I'm glad I'm going through this. Just because it feels great. People comment about it, too. My dad asked me if I had been drinking... Well, that's just cool.

Just wanted to share this with you guys. Hope you find my story interesting.

So, what are your experiences? Do you recognize these kinds of feelings? Do they lessen over time, or does flirting (or other kinds of social interaction, for that matter) always yield this much energy?

Cheers,

Johannes

[Alex]

Nice Johannes! 45 girls? That's a lot... Kudos

I'll always respect people who do what they feel needs to be done, and I must say, I think you're growing a big set of balls with it. I would actually say that flirting always "yields" energy like you talk about - it never stops. At least, in my opinion, I don't think it should.

Getting a little nervous talking to a girl makes the whole experience more... human. It makes it real.

I really like following your "story" on here, keep it up
(And that dutch thing sounds great, but pretty confusing if you ask me!)

[JCZ]

Thanks! I'll keep posting, for sure!

For the record, I think it's fair to tell some more about me talking to the ladies. Before you guys start to think: "oh, this guy all of a sudden decides to change his life, goes out to town and talk to X ladies (where X is a large amount)... that's a quick start..." I have been trying this for about a year now, but it never was a great success. However, I do see myself changing socially. So I think it's safe to say that even my small-scale attempts have yielded results.

Lately, I'm even more motivated to deal with it. So that's where I am now.

Oh, and an update: yesterday, I found out that your mental state makes a HUGE difference. The feelings of success from last week had faded, which I feared they would, and I was kind of stressed. Then firstly, I was put off guard by a group of people - long story, so suffice it to say that though they weren't targeting me nor where they behaving badly at all, they put me in an uneasy state of mind. Next, I had some quite negative experiences (answering my "excuse me, can I ask you a question?" with a plain NO), which didn't bother me very much but which DID leave a bit of a bad feeling.

Lastly, I think I asked the same questions to two girls TWICE. When I was talking to them, I realized that I might be talking to some girls I already talked to. Things went VERY awkward from then on. When I moved on, I thought of what I could have said ("wait, didn't I ask you this already? Goes to show how clock-oriented I am!" or something like that).

A bit of a sour taste after some success. I know that's life, so I try not to mind. Let's see what will happen today...

[JCZ]

Ughhh... Well, I knew beforehand that things would indeed not be as easy as one might want. However, today I managed to get myself in this ultra-relaxed mood again, more or less... Asking about trivial things got a little boring - but when I decided to go for more complex questions, suddenly there was this anxiety thing back again.

'Facebook'-closed this girl I met; I knew her already, but not very good. She was cool, especially so because of her job at a perfume shop. So right now I'm smelling of all kinds of perfumes.

Oh, and I've got an invitation to go to a new club. Actually, I won't be able to go there, which is a pity, because this totally hot girl handed me a flyer (of course, I asked her all about it, and more). She's on our Dutch 'Facebook' too, so let's see if I can get something else.

Hm, I should start focusing on something more than Facebook-closes... The perfume girl was quite eager to write down her account name for me though. Maybe a phone nr. close next time...

[Scott D]

Sounds like you're doing great stuff over there, man. Don't get your expectations too high though, or you might lose motivation when things don't turn out perfect. Baby steps. =)

[JCZ]

Thanks, I'll do that. Well, it seems to always be a learning experience, so that's good. I'm also starting to think it's fun - which I totally didn't in the past.

[abogatir]

I think the biggest step for me was just realizing girls are people to and stop idolizing them. Also, do not get nervous about whether you will be successful with a girl, just enjoy the conversation and try to think that you are interviewing the girl for a possible gf position, not the other way around. If things do not work out, it is the girls' loss.

However, do not be like me and use what I just said as an excuse not to work at getting better at talking to people. Something I vow to work on myself.

[JCZ]

I think you are very right on that one, Abogatir. By the way, I feel myself idolizing women less and less - even more so when I talk to more and more women.

Oh, and maybe I can even motivate you. I still don't find it easy to go out and talk to women. But I don't find it very hard, either. And right now, I know that after some talking, things will get better, will even get fun. Even more so when you find that special someone with which to flirt &etc...

[Cpt. Jackal]

A good answer I heard online for "Can I ask you a question?" is "You didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?"

I still have some lack of specific confidence in walking up to girls, particularly when they are in groups, but it has improved over time. Three months ago I wouldn't even have thought of doing it, but I now feel a sort of strong impulse to engage someone I'm interested in in a conversation, however short and even without any purpose to it other than to talk to someone. I do try to set up for success, so I observe that person first, study my surroundings to see if there is something that is interesting or that can be a good conversation kicker. If there is nothing of the like, then I might make up something, and set a goal for the conversation. I want to have at least an idea of what I want to obtain: fun? a phone number? instant date? And what if she's not up for any of that, what is my exit strategy? Hey, I'm not claiming I can do it all the time, nor that I can just step outside my house and "catch" any girl I want, but that's where I'm at and this is what I'm doing now. It's still a challenge, even though less so every time. I find this is as good an approach as I can muster, so I'd like to hear your thoughts on this.

[abogatir]

I've though of an even a better method, try to make everyone else in the room with you feel great and have fun. This makes everything you do with an attractive girl feel more natural if that is your primary goal.

[JCZ]

OK, time for a small update... 'cause you guys might have started thinking: "what happened to this guys' intents?"

Well, everything was going fine... until I found out I had several 'feelings' for this girl (yep yep). So I was like: how can I keep approaching other women, when all of a sudden there's this someone special?

But I haven't heard from this girl since... She's on holidays (or so she said), and won't return my messages... even though I can tell she's been online and even talking to other people. So I went back to the approaching women thing - which of course I never should have paused. I do feel a little more negative right now, so things aren't going as smoothly as they went some weeks ago.

I feel a strong urge to talk to other people, especially women of course. Well, the "help me get over these stupid feelings plz" attitude I'm trying to suppress but which is of course understandable right now isn't helping things... But it'll come back to me, I'm sure.

Oh, and yes, I realize that all this Facebook sh*t isn't leading nowhere, so I'll definitely be going for the phone # in the future (not to mention instant dates etc., anything to keep them girls from flaking on me - which reaaaaally is starting to piss me off pretty badly).

Women... I long for the day I'll understand them through and through, so they won't ever again be able to pull such stupid tricks on me...

[abogatir]

Agree, I've noticed that getting phone numbers is the only effective way to contact a girl. But facebook is fine if you want to be friends with a girl overseas just for fun.

[JCZ]

Well, another update, then! Hope no one is getting bored here yet... Because I feel sharing this might help some of you guys who are struggling with this as well.

Anyway, I'm back to the talk-to-girls-thing. Am getting rather bored with just asking them for trivial things. However, asking trivial questions are a good way to get yourself in a social mood. Of course, it helps when people react nicely to you, but negative reactions are fine as well. Since I am in my head way too much, it's nice to have an opportunity to get in the moment instead.

OK, I'm going to repeat that last sentence in part: getting out of my head and into the moment seems what I'm getting better at right now. And I like that a lot. Being in the moment, and being a social person.

Recently, I talked about these things with a friend of mine. This friend never has been a chick magnet, so to say. Oh yes, quite often he had 'dates' with chicks: girls that saw him as a friend only, and poured out their hearts for him. And though he appreciated the confidence given to him, you can all imagine what he didn't appreciate at all... Anyway, he has a girlfriend now. They met each other, liked each other, and got into a relationship. Kinda clumsy, and though she was fine with that, I personally would never again accept this kind of thing from myself.

My friend recently admitted to me that he wasn't very comfortable being somewhere all by himself and then starting to socialize with people.

That, folks, is what I'm focusing on lately (which of course you've heard multiple times from me)! This fear of meeting and connecting with people has to dissipate. It shouldn't have a place in our lives, and I currently am experiencing that being a social person is a cool & nice thing to be.

Up 'till now, doing this kind of thing has always put me in a better mood. I don't know exactly how this works, maybe I'll find out one day. Yes, good reactions help a lot, and negative ones work against me. But overall, knowing that you have approached a number of girls just feels OK. And with such an improved mood, interacting with guys goes much better as well.

[Brent G]

I think I'm doing something good, I want to start manifesting some social engery. And only way to do such is to expriment. I started doing eye contact with llots of girls because I went to a Baseball game, Toronto Blue Jays VS Cleveland Indians. Tragic, the Jays lost lol, Its amazing how many smoking hot women can be there though.
Well, I thought about giving eye contact and tried it a little.
I looked straight into the eyes of a cute girl that was standing around waiting with a bunch of friends. I gave her a intrested look, and then looked away, laid back on a wall and chilled. For I was waiting for a friend in the bathroom. So, I only took a good long look of a few seconds. I stopped looking at her and looked somewhere else, like if I was not intrested.
With the corner of my eye, i saw she couldn't stop looking at me.
My expriment worked! I found out myself that if you show intrest into someone, they become intrested, then quickly backing away showing less intrest in a cool way, makes the fun dissappear and they wonder why you did that and want that attention back, they become more intrested then before. After, My friend came back and said he lets go, I looked her again and smiled then talked 2 my friend smiling. I hoped my smile will make her think "Is he smiling at me or his friend?"

WHAT I LEARNED: To make a girl or anyone intrested, you must make them wonder about you.

Hope that helped.

[JCZ]

Sounds good! I still find the eye contact thing tricky, though. If I'm in a bold (read: self-confident) mood, I can more or less pull of what you did. If I'm not, only very rarely do I seem to get lasting eye contact with girls. Either I find this too intimidating, or I get  this very awkward feeling. Of course, I know of the success stories, but it still seems unlikely in my situation.