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[Adam]

This is a continual problem, and I've got a feeling its going to be a long post, I don't know if any of you guys have this too but I'm just gonna 'fess up now.

I find myself attracted to girls far more if they have a boyfriend, especially if he's with her at the time I first see her.

I don't know what it is, maybe its because I crave a challenge, or maybe its just a deathwish, but I just get a buzz flirting with taken women that I don't get as much with the single ones. I've noticed this most when I'm at work; I work in Topman, and for any that don't know its basically men's fashion. So naturally, couples are coming in shopping all the time. Its then that I just find myself drawn to these girls in particular, giving her the eye contact, the hidden messages, the push/pull banter, even if her boyfriend is stood right by her. Now this obviously all has to be fairly covert operations, for one thing I'm supposed to be working, so its often disguised as helping them out with something.

The thing is, I find that the girls often respond really well to it, maybe its something to do with the excitement of flirting with another guy when she's out with her boyfriend, or maybe because she's just bored in her relationship and is seeking that thrill. Either way, I've had scraps of paper with numbers written on it thrust into my hand when the boyfriend is changing, lingering eye contact and winks as she turns her head to face me as she walks away and even one girl who was pushing the physical contact when her boyfriend was literally metres away, behind the curtain trying on a jacket.

Anyway, the point of all this isn't that I'm trying to boast, I'll admit i'm no expert at this game, but the problem is that I don't want this attraction. If a girl and a guy are in a good relationship then I don't want to break that up for my own desires, I'm not a selfish guy and in the same position i'd hate to have that happen to me. Not only this, but going for taken girls means a much lower success rate!

So, is this something everyone comes across? And how should I go about sorting this out?

[Scott D]

I do agree that's quite a problem you have... I've always been an advocate of the theory that if she's taken, stay away! There's nothing wrong with trying to be friends (as long as her guy is ok with it) but don't attempt anything more than that. I'm glad to see you don't go any further than that. Flirting is ok, everybody enjoys it, but don't go further than that.

As for a solution? You can try to assume that any girl you see is taken even if she is by herself or with other girls. That might be difficult though. Afraid I can't think of anything else. 

[JCZ]

Can't give you any advice, I'm afraid. That said, lately it occurs to me that there's large amount of couples that seem to be fundamentally unhappy. Not that I'm good at flirting with 'taken' women; it's just that a too large number of couples radiate this "we're together and that's about it" type of thing. Could be that they're just bored at the very moment I look at them, of course...

But then I hear their conversations and I once again say to myself: "never, never will I accept this low a level of a relationship." It's like the mother threatening her child with violence over a trivial display of disobedience: it's just not how it's supposed to be. But hey, that's my feeling about it.

Well, maybe some advice then after all. Never settle for a relationship that's not really worth fighting for! But then, you didn't seem like the type of guy who'd pull that off anyway...

EDIT: I forgot to add: what also strikes me is the large number of divorces, and ever growing. I see this happening even in my church. The other day, I heard of a couple both of about the same age as I (28 yrs), that's about to split up. And then to think I've had a hard time dealing with my own love-related issues...

[Cpt. Jackal]

Do you remember Bond in Casinò Royale, when he is asked:" You like married women, don't you James? ", and he answers a perfect:" That keeps things simple"...

I can perfectly understand and relate to your issue. I also find that either many people are together for the wrong reasons, or so many couples around me are still together after their spark has gone out. So you sometimes listen to your female friends telling you all about how their current boyfriend is perfect, BUT... and yeah, I love him, BUT... I am hard pressed at times to find a nice way to reply to this, since my instinct has sometimes been to ask:" but then why the hell are you still together? Life's too short to drink bad wine and have dull, unexciting relationships!". It's easy to predict the answers you get from that line, a mix of:"Uhm, this is interesting" and "When the hell did I say I wanted your opinion?".

Sometimes, even if it sounds like the old tale of the fox and the grapes from my side, it's useful to remember that most people get what they deserve as a partner... Sad, isn't it? Particularly when you stumble across so many guys who would be able to make them so much happier. It's interesting to learn, from this kind of an exchange, what the signs of a loss of passion in a relationship can look like, and therefore avoid it, no?