The JKTC Café

Thanks Scott, bowling is a pretty good dating idea as plenty of chances to teach her the right way to throw the ball and/or tease one another. Also, when she got her first strike, the joy in her eyes was simply unforgettable - all she wanted to do was hug me after that. While bowling is not the cheapest date, it is much more fun than dinner!

Yup, the new girl definitely wants to go out again. She is eager to meet many of my friends, which is a little awkward. Although I might wait for her to call me now that she did not return my call on sunday night. She seems very eager to go to a Latin dance club, similar to the one where I met her. Might do a double date with my coworker on Thursday. Will have to work on my salsa again  - that was always my weak point.



In regards to the 1st girl, she invited me to play tennis tommorow but said she wanted to be clear that she is not looking for a relationship cause of religious reasons, etc. I figured would still go as contact with any girl is good practice as Alex said. But since I like the 2nd girl better, this is not bad news.

Scott, I realize that your situation has changed but you cannot forget how terrible your ex treated you when you were together. You gotta give your new gf a fair chance. While there is no problem making your new gf feel jealous once in a while, make sure you give her plenty of opportunites to be together with you. I would suggest you cut your contact down with your ex to a minimum just so she would not be a factor in your new relationship.

Perhaps the song is a good indicator, your ex came back but it is too late as you found someone else.

I can't imagine how you can be friends with someone who betrayed you like your ex did but I understand every situation is uniquie. Hope you find a good balance.

Had another date, with a different girl this time as the first one is "busy" with work. Focused on Alex's advice and made it my goal to have fun with her. Watched fireworks, I kept making fun of her texting her friends all of the time, suggesting she was doing play by play coverage. Kept teasing her about her constant texting - she seemed to enjoy it. Then, we went bowling and it turned out she did not know how to play at all. I taught her and let her win in the last game. She seemed so happy. Drove her home cause she has overprotective parents.

Feel a lot more confident about this one but she kind of lives far away which may be a concern.

Well, I would definitely say kissing is cheating as it a sign of affection for someone else. I do not think it is forgivable as it violates a basic trust. What you have with this girl is special and you should not go for an "open" relationship. This will truly be a good test for both of you.

For your benefit Scott, translated entire song into English, loses some rhythm though:

(1st Verse)
Memory is no longer stinging,
Pain no longer hits hands,
I am saying goodbye to you as you go to distant lands

You are a migratory bird,
Looking for happiness in the trip,
You visit me to say sorry and once again leave...

(Chorus)
Summer Rain, Summer Rain,
It began today real early,
Summer Rain, Summer Rain,
Will wash away the wounds in my soul
We will grieve, with him together,
Near an Empty Window

Summer Rain, Summer Rain,
Whispers too me soft and clearly,
That you will, will come back
Will come back but will be too late
Bad timing - endless drama
Where there is a him and a her

(2nd Verse)
You will stop visiting my dreams,
Pretty soon and afterwards.
A new dream will burn in my chilly home.

People don't look for love from love,
With years you will understand.
But for now you won't hear me and you cannot return.

(Chorus - twice)
Summer Rain, Summer Rain,
It began today real early,
Summer Rain, Summer Rain,
Will wash away the wounds in my soul
We will grieve with him together,
Near an Empty Window

Summer Rain, Summer Rain,
Whispers too me soft and clearly,
That you will, will come back
Will come back but will be too late,
Bad timing - endless drama
Where there is a him and a her

(Repeat First Verse)
(1st Verse)
Memory is no longer stinging,
Pain no longer hits hands,
I am saying goodbye to you as you go to distant lands

You are a migratory bird,
Looking for happiness in the trip,
You visit me to say sorry and once again leave...

FLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You hit the nail on the head Captain, a true man is happy with himself and makes others around him happy.

I've though of an even a better method, try to make everyone else in the room with you feel great and have fun. This makes everything you do with an attractive girl feel more natural if that is your primary goal.

Now following a 4-year relationship with my ex we obviousely have a ton of mutual friends. So after blocking her, I was stuck wondering which ones of the mutual friends I should stay in touch with while which ones would be an equivalent to breaking the NC rule. Obviousely, I figured all the guy friends are probably OK. All of her close girlfriends (especially the ones who lied to me about where she was) were blocked and gone right away. But what about girls that I have only met on a few occasions through my ex? This was a bit tougher to decide as they were her friends primarily but I felt like I know them as well.

For example, I chatted with some of those girls I barely knew and said I am no longer friends with my ex and it is cool with me if they want to NC me as solidarity with my ex. However, they all said that this is between us (my ex and I) and they don't want to be inviolved in the conflict.  All of the girl friends emphasized that I am a cool guy that they want to stay in touch with. I am concerned with them being secret spies for my ex though. But I figured I would remain friends with them simply because I enjoy their company.

Anyone else have a policy for mutual friends after break-up?

So I have finally begun dating other girls even though the heatbreak is still there. Took Alex's advice and looked at it as an opportunity, now I can get to know many other girls that I would not have known otherwise.

Anyway, met this girl through a mutual friend, she studied abroad in russia and wanted to improve her russian, naturally being a russian translator I agree to meet with her for a "language date."  Anyway, she was eager to meet up with me so I waited for her to call me, since I was working all day anyway. We went out for drinks to an arcade/bar like place, she was cute, I constantly made jokes, found fun topics to talk about, made digs/fun at her, we seemed to be connecting emotionally. She seemed to be more interested than I was. Than it turned out that one of my ex's close friends was her former roomate (world is too small) - is this a concern? Then, she said she had to leave to talk to some guy with whom she is close friends and studied abroad together. I did not mind as I said I was very busy at work next week. We agreed to do a biking date or an "air hockey" date for next friday (she claims she is better than me). But I certainly have mixed feelings about her, specifically the ex-connection and her attachement to her guy friends.

I guess I will  take all this in stride, feedback and suggestions always appreciated.

Way to go Scott my man! Keep it up and enjoy every moment!

Had a brief moment of weakness. Just missed my gf so much, unblocked her on facebook and used alternate profile to friend her. She accepted right away. I saw that she really did not change much, still does not display her relationship status (she had been uncomfortable displaying our relationship status since last year as she was never "sure about us")but I saw she had deleted all photos of her with the guy she was dating recently but there are still several photos of her and me. She still has every single photo up there that I took of her, even the bad ones, only about 7 photos of us together compared to 50 but I was glad to know she thinks about me.

I know this violated NC but the urge to know was overwhelming. Made me glad to know she had not met anyone and things did not work out with her date. Deep down I think she misses me but it does not matter anymore.

Now I am shutting down facebook, cleaning my room, and will call a girl to see if she wants to come to the Michael Jackson tribute concert tonight.

After the tragic death of Michael Jackson and the empty void in my heart today, figured I would make a tribute to MJ by singing his best song "Billie Jean" only changing the lyrics slightly to make it about my Ex. Made me feel great, suggest you do the same thing only put in your Ex's name and first letter of last name in when you sing it. Made me feel great.


"My Ex"

[1st Verse]
She Was More Like A Beauty Queen From A Movie Scene
I Said Don't Mind, Temporarily Being The One
Who Will Dance On The Floor In The Round
She Said I Am The One Who Will Dance On The Floor In The Round

[2nd Verse]
She Told Me Her Name Was (Insert Ex's Name), As She Caused A Scene
Then Every Head Turned With Eyes That Dreamed Of Being The One
Who Will Dance On The Floor In The Round

[Bridge]
People Always Told Me Be Careful Of What You Do
And Don't Go Around Breaking Young Girls' Hearts
And Mother Always Told Me Be Careful Of Who You Love
And Be Careful Of What You Do 'Cause The Lie Becomes The Truth

[Chorus]
My EX Is Not My Lover
She's Just A Girl With Whom I Really Had Fun
But My Feelings For Her Are Done
She Said I Am The One, But My Soul Has No Room for you Hun

[3rd Verse]
For Forty Days And Forty Nights
My Heart was On Her Side
But Why Should I Cave in to Her Demands
Her Schemes And Her Plans
Just 'Cause We Danced On The Floor In The Round
So Take My Strong Advice, Just Remember To Always Think Twice
(Do Think Twice)

[4th Verse]
She Told My Baby We'd Danced 'Till Three
Then She Looked At Me
Then Showed Me Photos
Her Eyes Looked Straight into Mine
Go On Dance On The Floor In The Round, Baby

[Bridge]
People Always Told Me Be Careful Of What You Do
And Don't Go Around Breaking Young Girls' Hearts
She Came And Stood Right By Me
Then The Smell Of Sweet Perfume
All This Happened Much Too Soon
She Called Me To Her Room, BUT NOW...

[Chorus]
My Ex Is Not My Lover
She's Just A Girl Who Made me Feel Like The One
But She Can't Repalce the Sun

My Ex Is Not My Lover
She's Just A Girl With Whom I really had fun
But What We Had is Now Undone
She Said I Am The One, But My Feelings For Her are Done
She Said I Am The One, But I Don't Need Her To Have Fun

My Ex Is Not My Lover
She's Just A Girl Who Claimed That I Am The One
But Her promblems are not my own
She Said I Am The One, The Relationship is Done
She Said I Am The One, And My Feelings Are Undone
She Said I Am The One
My Ex Is Not My Lover
My Ex Is Not My Lover
My Ex Is Not My Lover
My Ex Is Not My Lover
My Ex Is Not My Lover
My Ex Is Not My Lover

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=En-cHBv7UpA&feature=fvst

I think the part where she said you are not calling her enough is a good sign, show she cares!

Honestly, realtionships with non-drinking girls are bad as this will always be a source of tension. There is nothing wrong with drinking less but it is tought to stay with someone so judgemental in my opinion.

Hey Alex,

Agree with you on every point. Will start working on putting what I read into action when I call a girl I met a month ago tommorow night.

Anyway, since you asked me why I thought the dating process is "unfair," I will elaborate.

I admit that saying that dating is "unfair" is like saying life is unfair and is the verbal equivalent of banging my head against the wall repetetively. Nevertheless, my big stumbling block has always been the perception that the way attraction works is by rewarding seemingly superficial behaviour rather than truly meaningful acts by the love interest. Obviousely, to be successful you have to have that personality where you tease the girl, emotionally connect with her, not be too available, and keep her excited through words and actions. But is this ability to attract a girl truly what determines how good a relationship will be? Not at all! A man can be the smoothest talker but be a complete asshole when the girl really needs him. For example, when my ex was seriousely ill a couple years ago, I did not act unavailable but was at the hospital every day helping her eat, comforting her, and making sure she got her meds, or when she needed help with schoolwork, or getting money to be in a beauty pageant, I was there to help her. But obviously, these genuine acts of kindness are not valued as much as surface things like everyday attitude, clothes, ability to entertain and if a guy is not feeling up to providing the superficial, a girl will forget all the truly good things he did for her. True, I could have been unavailable when she truly needed me but I would not have felt like a human being if I did that.

This laws of attraction, such as being attracted to shallow qualities rather than important ones are what always bother me. That's why it pisses me off to see complete assholes be successful with girls while I largely get ignored. Its not that I mind occasionally adopting "bad boy" methods (hell it worked for me yeasterday when I got a girl to pick me up and ask for my email when I made fun of her taste in art in a musueum, too bad she lives far away), it just feels pretentious to keep it up for too long. Just feel like she does not know the real me. Plus I really want to be with a girl who is my friend first and my gf afterwards. Genuine kindness is the key to maintining a good relationship (at least among friends) rather than worrying about keeping the attraction going.

Yes, men are guilty of this too as we take physical attraction as the most important factor for pursuing a woman, but I beleive that I would value a gf more if she truly did kind things to me like cook my favorite foods, learn about my hobbies, and simply help out during tough times.

Yes, all of the attraction methods are useful in the short-term but is is not the stuff that good relationships are made out of.

Perhaps discussing this in the Dating section would be more appropriate?