Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Keebles]

First off good site, and Im happy to see I'm already doing most of the helpful stuff here without having read it before.

So this will be long, sorry guys.

I saw a girl on and off since Jan of 2008, and started a relationship in August. The only red flag I had was that she had never dated anyone else! (She's 20, Im 22) But that fear went away and we dated until the end of this June. During that time the relationship really took off, and survived a really tricky time. She was in Ireland from jan-May. I was hesitant to be with her then since the relationship was sort of new. But in the end that worked out well. We both got to visit and i dont doubt I made the right choice in that regard. Now, I noticed the last week of june she wasnt calling much. Which was a stark contrast to the last few months. I had just moved to the city shes in since that where we had gone to college and i was moving back to live with my friend. Anyway that night i call her on it. shes drunk, doesnt want to talk about it, but she says eventally she wants a break. Which i dont really do breaks. i think that means somoene (me) would just get hurt twice. so i ask if she wants to see other people, which she says maybe, she doesnt know.  Fine I say, well this is a break up then. She seems a little confused and i cant tell if she's even sure what shes doing. Shes was going to a transition period, trying to work out more and figure out what she wanted to do after graduation.

fast forward ---i manage to avoid talking to her 2 weeks,  and she txts me that shes thinking about me. Avoided that. then one if its too soon to hang out again, I avoid that. next day we actually talk on the phone. I ended up hanging out at her place. it was very cuddly and romantic. we kiss at the end of the night. the next time we hung out i let her know i was starting to see someone else, and we talk about her and I. I let her know it seems like its over and i dont think we'd get back. which she doesnt see why. we end up kissing again anyway that night. she still seemed into me.  so since then we've been at the same bar and ive been over her place once but lately it just doesnt seem like shes sending me the same signals. she makes it seem like she'd like to go on a date or hang out (like when i mentioned a picnic her eyes light up and when it rained she suggested I come to her place instead) but when i'm with her alone her body language says stay away. she'll lean away from me on the couch. The one or two times ive tried to ask her what she wants, she says she just doesnt know. A friend of mine who went through a break and then got back and had a similar situation said thats probably the truth, she just doesnt know.

so anyway i got tired of torturing myself wondering what goes on in her head. I would like to be with her, and its really odd that she switched on me so suddenly. (basiclly her dad asked her how serious was this and it got her thinking, plus i had been kind of mopey looking for a job which didnt help) so i just deleted her from the phone Wednesday. I figure she can get a hold of me if she wants to. i need to move on. just i keep wondering if i've mis read the whole thing. i want to remain in her mind. (out of sight out of mind) without trying too hard and seem desperate or worse, just a friend. I know the day she saw me at the gym suprised her and she called the next day...

so if anyones got a read on this . i dont know what to make of the whole thing. Im doing no contact and protecting myself that way, but I can't quite be sure its over either, even tho i treat it like it is. what do you think? sorry its rambling, i dont really have time to organize this so let me know if you need clarification. thanks!

[Keebles]

A short update-- Just from when I do talk to her, I don't get the feeling that she’s letting me down easy. It really does seem like she's hit a crossroad in her life, combined with about the time the "newness" of our relationship wore out. It really seems as though she just doesn't know what she wants in anything right now.

I've been in situations that were somewhat similar before where the end of it was dragged (drug?) out for far too long. Part of NC is making sure that doesn’t happen. And part of why I said 'break-up', when she said 'break' was that I didn't want to have things prolonged and me get hurt twice. As it stands I don’t want to get back together with her in a relationship, but I would consider going on dates with her a little bit, and to listen to see if she comes to me with something that changes my mind (That is before I've found someone else, at which point she'll be too late)

Anyway so we've run into each other a few times, usually at bars we both used to go to. She always says hi, and gave me a kiss on the cheek last time, although I haven’t hung around her too long. (I dont want to be too available, if it ends up I'm just her comfort zone.)

She called me last night and asked to see a movie she knew I wanted to see, and all about how her aunt said its good. I told her I'd have to think about it. I got back to her an hour later, told her I'm hesitant to because when we have hung out before it stresses me wondering what’s going on in her head. She definitely got uncomfortable and tried to say that she had to leave, and didn’t want to see it if I'm uncomfortable. I stopped her a second and just said OK, do you want to see this movie?, or do you want to see this movie with me? She said she wanted to see it with me, and I could her voice get happy when I said I'll see her Tuesday then.

What do you guys think this means? I tried writing myself down boundaries, like how I don’t want to get back with her right now, and how I should focus on being positive, not bring up the relationship just yet, and try to just have fun. I'm just not sure what to expect tomorrow or how to behave/ handle myself.

[JCZ]

Keebles, I'm not quite the dating expert here, so I'll just tell you about my own situation. I always used to put women on a pedestal. And there's one reason for that: there always used to be a certain 'shortage' in my life. Well, guess what: this 'shortage' is only imaginary, as I've found out recently.

So, women were very special to me. And that never worked out well. Women could sense me expecting something from them. And even if I didn't, awkward situations would easily occur.

Fast forward to now. Today, I just want to celebrate life. A woman can join in, but that isn't obligatory (she'll get to miss a lot of the fun if she doesn't, though ). How does that work out for me? Well, it doesn't yet give me lots of dates or something like that. But it does make me very much relaxed.

Yesterday, I was on a date, which was quite the miracle, since she had tried to flake on me just that afternoon. Sent me an SMS saying she didn't have a good feeling about this after seeing some of my pictures. We had known each other from a dating site and had been mailing for several days. So I sent her a message: "oh, too bad. I could wear a hat tonight. Oh, and then there's what's inside..." (in case my English isn't very clear here: contrary to a man's looks, his personality may appeal a lot to a woman).

So she decided to come after all. I knew she would not be relaxed about this, but I didn't mind; either this date would go nowhere but I still got to have a beer or two, or we'd have a fun time after all. And who knows what more... Well, of course we had a good time. She even told me this was the first 'arranged' (ie via a dating site) date she was relaxed about.

So I sent a note to self: always have a good time. You are the fun person! And you're not influenced by the emotions of women - at all. Either they tag along, or they don't - in which someone else can.

[Scott D]

The following is all only my opinion, so please don't regard it as any more than such.

Based on the little I know about her, and the little more I know about you, I think you are right when you say "she's hitting a crossroad in her life." She loves you. Don't doubt that. But she's hesitant about locking herself down, per se. You're both still pretty young, with bright and long futures ahead of you, and she's afraid she is letting a "childish" infatuation influence her into making a decision she won't really be happy with. First thing you need to know is this is not your fault, and you've done nothing wrong.

This break she wanted to take, I think it really was just a break for her to figure things out. She gave herself some time during those two weeks you didn't speak to think about you and see whether or not she really missed you. Obviously, she did. And the less and less time you hung out over the following weeks showed her exactly how big a part in her life you are. That's why she wanted to bring you to that movie, but she was tentative and went for an easy out when you said you weren't quite sure about going or not. Things are probably going to be that way for a while--she wants to get you back into her life, but she is afraid if she tries too hard that you'll run away.  Give it a few weeks' time and I'm sure you'll be hanging out with her more often. Then will come the time to tell her how much you really want to be with her.

Keep on just like like you've been lately. If you indeed want to get back with her, help her out when she starts the whole shy-girl thing, like text her one night and say you're looking forward to seeing her on so-and-so day. It will make her feel wanted, and in return she'll want you more.

[Keebles]

Hey guys I thought its time for a new update

We did go out on that date, and it was really good. I wasnt worried about getting her back so to speak and I just let it happen. We had dinner and a movie and were laughing/smiling the whole time. It got a little tricky though after, when we met some of her friends at a bar and I got a little drunk. I pressed her some for some kind of answer, although im not really sure what the question was. she couldnt really tell me anything useful (but this might have just been b/c its when her friends were making her leave at that point since one was crying about something) I told her to call me that night or to just leave me alone finally. (w/e I got a little drunk) well she didnt call but she did the next morning to say she couldnt call last night it was too hetic and she had to leave now to go home but its "not over".

umm.. OK well that didnt sit right with me. When i asked her what was up the night before, it seemed as though it was she had fun, but it was over. and then she calls at 6am wakes me up tells me its not over. I didnt want to be messed with anymore.

I channeled this into a well crafted three page letter I sent to her. It tried to explain clearly everything I felt ( not how much i miss you, cry cry, but where i was coming from, concerns, stuff like that, and the nice things i wanted to say to her in case i never got to talk to her like that again.

I couple days later I did get a message from her. It pretty much said that "i know this doesnt give you any answers, but I still have really strong feelings for you.", and "i'm fearful about alot of stuff" like that id hold her wanting a break against her. (i'm not sure really, it'd be hard to just forget) we've had a few messages back and forth on facebook. They're tinged with romantic sentiment, sometimes about things she's been thinking, and we both said when she comes back maybe we'll get together. cautious stuff.

I havent really thought about her too much while shes been away but then i was turned down for ANOTHER job and ive been in a funk and i'm reading a book that reminds me of her and now shes in my head alot the last two days. I have so many questions. for the last month i dated someone who was 23, and had been living on her own a long time. I wasnt that into her, but it made me think maybe its really foolish to want a girl whos still in college since im out now. Its been a little harder for me to get girls than it was in college, just because i suddenly feel like a very small fish in a much larger pond. Maybe it makes a lot more sense to chalk her up to experience. Now that my blinders are off, and i see the things i didnt like about being with her, it makes me think i owe it to myself to concentrate on learning how to woo "real world" women, which is a lot different than college girls.

Still, I had a beautiful thing with my ex, very happy memories, and I havent forgot that the reason i stayed with her while she was abroad and I was a senior was that I felt we had a world of potential. I'd hate to tell her to fuck off for good, and then end up regretting it.