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[robbo]

Hi everyone, i'm Rob, i'm 21. I'd like to tell you the story about my ex. She is 18. I was with her for 10 months but was seeing her for a few months before that.
She recently split up with me, it came out of the blue 2 weeks ago. She kept me hanging on saying she just wanted a break and for us to still see eachother and everything seemed fine. The reason for the break was for her to 'find herself' and to let me see my friends more. It was a fairly long distance relationship, we saw eachother every weekend while I was at uni but talked every day on msn during the week. While i was back at uni during this break, she started hinting that she might end up seeing someone else during this break so i gave her an ultimatum and she broke up with me. I left her be for a few days then went round for closure but also hoping to get one last chance. This is when i found out she had left me for someone else. She said that he was only part of the reason, that she didnt want a relationship with him because she is starting uni in a few months. She said she was going to split up with me anyway because she found me boring at times, didnt think we shared enough interests, didnt think she could be herself around me and that she wanted to see her friends more. Now i've just found out that she is in a relationship with this new man. He's only 17, doesnt seem amazingly good looking, i wouldnt say he's better looking than me but also not really worse looking. So i really think that this break up is a lot to do with my personality.
I need to learn to be myself around women and to have more fun. I also think with the distance that things became predictable, that i was no longer a challenge. I'm planning on using this summer to improve all areas of my personality, to get more confidence and charisma. I'm also planning on getting new skills, on having more interests and also trying to get back to being more fun and funnier. I used to be much more fun before i was with her but with seeing her every weekend i spent less time with my friends and so lost a part of my personality. I think this is why things were fine to start with but why she got bored.
In 4 months she is moving to my city to start university. When she broke up with me i asked if there was any chance of us being together in the future. She said she didnt think so. She also said she doesnt want to see me again until she moves in september. I am still in touch with her sister and brother in law but i dont want to talk to her again for a few months. Now as far as i can see its not my looks that drove her away its definitely my personality, if i can come out of my shell by september, when her new relationship will become long distance and if i can get her to meet me for a catch up, is there any possibility that i can create attraction once more by showing her i'm the man she fell in love with in the first place but better? I would like to move on see other girls but i'm just curious whether i would have another chance with her in the future if i can show her i've changed? What would be the best strategy to win her back if its possible and is there anything i should say to her sister that could help me out? I realise being desperate isnt what i need to do, its leave her to her own life for a few months but if i have changed i would really want another shot at it, is there any way to go about getting her to meet up in 4 months?
I know this story probably isnt the easiest to read or follow, i hope you can help! If you need any more details please ask because i'm not sure if i left anything out. Thankyou

[Scott D]

I have four words for you, Rob: You can do better.

She hasn't quite hit the maturity level you need in a girl. You see, you and I have pretty similar stories. Things start to go south, she says she wants a break, ends up breaking it off altogether, and within a few weeks she's dating someone else. She wants immediate gratification, and anyone mature enough to deserve your affection will know that it's not always possible to obtain.

Don't bother worrying about whether or not you will be able to get her back in the future, because she's simply not worth it. I doubt you'd have a chance to rekindle anything later on because it seems to me that she is only saying things like "she doesnt want to see you again until she moves in september" and she "didnt think she could be herself around you" is to just cause a gap to grow between you. It sucks to hear, but from what I can tell she doesn't want anything to do with you. But that's not your fault. The best thing is to just do your best to move on and forget about her. Try not to hope that you'll get back together, and don't talk to her at all. Go out with friends, meet other girls, and if you meet a girl you really like, go for it.

What would you say are the "fatal flaws" in your personality? You mentioned that you tend to be boring, but what else do you think might have driven her off? If you can fix those things in the coming months, you can make sure something like this doesn't happen again.

[robbo]

Thanks Scott, youre right. I was hoping this was just a phase she was going through because she always seemed pretty mature. It turns out that now she's with this other lad shes going out drinking every night and nearly messed up her final project to get into uni! The thing is it all happened so quickly one day we were talking about going on holiday, the next she was completely off with me and finished with me for the first time the day after. It didnt help that it was in the middle of my exams either!
And i can do so much better, everyone keeps telling me that. I just have 3 more exams to get through then i can get on with my life!
As for my personality i'm not quite sure because as far as i could see we got along fine up until i had to start revising for my exams which obviously meant we talked less and i had less to talk about because i had other things to concentrate on! One of the things she said is we dont share a passion, hers is art and mine is football but i would also say i'm passionate about music and she likes her music too! So i think the main flaw in my personality is that i'm a shy person, but that is something i can change. When i started uni i came right out of my shell and saw my friends every night, i managed to pack a lot in and have lots of fun. Then she came along. I eventually had enough of the arguing if i went out and her insecurities with her asking me if i was seeing other girls that i started going out with my friends less and less, thus going back into my shell. This in turn meant i had less funny stories to tell because these used to come from times with friends! So i think the main flaws in my personality came from her trying to control me. That is something that i wont let happen ever again. Other than that i just need to have more confidence around girls, i need to get rid of my fear of rejection that held me back in the past before i met her, i also need to do things like read more and take an interest in things that i havent really looked into before. I was thinking about taking up photography. Thats one of her passions but its also something that i really wanted to do more of when i was with her, one of my favourite memories with her was taking photos with her for one of her projects! But i guess i didnt really seem interested enough for her to tell me more about it, thats another thing i need to do, i need to appear more interested in things when people are talking about them.
Looking back, I suggested a lot of different things to do and she usually said she was 'too tired' so we ended up staying in or doing the same things every week like shopping or going to the cinema and for a meal. She only ever wanted to do them or get drunk. I wanted a bit of variety but maybe i didnt try hard enough to get that. Maybe she was the one with the problem. But i'm going to come out of this more confident. I have an internship this summer and that will involve meeting new people and should also give me a lot to talk about. I had to go through interviews to get on the internship so there cant be that much that needs to change, just maybe revert back to the old me.
Yeah i think youre right about the maturity thing, when she said she didnt think she could be herself and have fun around me she gave the example of a week before of me taking offence to her using the 'n word'. I'm from england and certainly here its not really acceptable to use that word so i just said 'you cant say that!' and thats her reasoning behind not being able to have fun! youre right i am better off without her!

[Alex]

Oh my... Rob.

You're saying so many things that I have a hard time pointing something out specifically.

I agree with what Scott said: no contact and no "hope" for the future.

It's interesting what you say about your "shell", I think it will definitely do you good to get back to your friends and start that internship.

I don't know about that photo thing, if you do it 100% for you, go for it! If it has something to do with her, by all means, let it be.

And Rob, you don't have any flaws in your personality. There is nothing wrong with being shy or whatever, seriously. We're all shy at times.

So just take it easy from now on, see how you are feeling. Write some of your thoughts down on paper, it might help you.

We're here, bro, so don't hesitate to ask for anything.

Take care

[robbo]

Ha sorry! It just all happened so quickly that i've been going over and over in my head trying to think of things that i must have done wrong! because she said she didnt think she could be herself around me and said she felt like that at numerous times over the 10 months she never mentioned it before.
She's contacted me twice in the past 24 hours, one was a txt just saying 'pussy'. So maybe i turned into a wuss? Or maybe that was the new bf sending that.
The other was a message on facebook saying 'hiya i'm coming to your city on the 19th or the week after so i can bring money ill just post it in ur door yeh? hope ur okay'. Ive not replied to either because i dont want any contact but i suppose i'll have to reply to the second one at some point.

I dont know about photography, i just feel like i dont do anything creative in my life and maybe should start doing something. i dont feel i'm really that unique and just follow trends a bit too much, which again only really happened since i started going out with her. i'm definitely better off without her, especially when shes acting how she is know. i dont really have any thoughts at the moment about her my minds just a blank. i do think i need to become less shy and have more interests though, and also be able to understand women better! Thanks again

[Alex]

Hey Rob.

If you really feel that you have to reply to that second message, by all means, just answer her. A simple "sure." will do.

Good job on not replying to the first one. Just let it be...

Have you thought about playing an instrument? I know I found a big love for music after starting to play guitar just about one and a half years ago. It's never too late to start to play and appreciate music.

Take care.

[robbo]

Hey
Yeah i'm going to leave it a few days, maybe ask if she can leave the money at her sisters because i dont really want her around my flat with him.
Yeah she seems to just want to get a reaction out of me, having her facebook status as 'over the dope!' and 'hasnt been this happy in a long time' just seems like shes playing games and trying to hurt me but i'm not going to let it get to me or show any weakness to her, i did when she first broke up with me but havent since. It almost seems like shes seeing if she can get a reaction out of me to justify what shes done or something.
I actually used to play guitar! I quit while i was still at school because my guitar teacher kept giving me music i didnt like to play. I was actually pretty good and i was thinking of taking that up again, i just seem to be tone deaf now, i can never get it in tune!
Thanks again.

[Alex]

Aww Rob, getting a guitar in tune shouldn't be such a big problem, there are online resources for that, you know

Anyway, it's very much OK to feel impacted by such a Facebook status. I know I, at first, would feel a little angry and maybe sad. It's totally allright. You don't have to show it to her in anyway - it's your feelings and yours alone.

She seems a little immature about the whole thing. Good thing you're the grown-up here.
 

[robbo]

ha yeah i'm going to start playing guitar again as soon as ive finished my exams!
ive had another txt, this time from a number i dont know. I think it may have been her new bf sending the txts but obviously i cant prove that. he is only 17 i think though so that would probably make sense. She popped up on facebook chat but ive just ignored her, she'll have to wait til after my exams. it really sounds like shes going off the rails though and everything i keep hearing about just proves more and more that ive had a lucky escape!

[Scott D]

She's trying to validate herself, meaning she wants to know that you're still aching over her. And you probably are at times, but make sure not to let her see it. Let her do whatever she wants, just don't let it get to you. And she surely has done quite a bit, it seems. Hell, if she put as much effort into fixing your relationship as she's put into trying to make you jealous, you'd probably be married by now.

She seems a little immature about the whole thing. Good thing you're the grown-up here.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

[robbo]

Yeah, and its looking more and more like a rebound relationship. I mean 9 days from splitting up with me to being in a relationship with him.
I feel sorry for her that she feels the need to try and make me feel jealous! Its not working though she seems more and more pathetic every day! I dread to think how she'll react when i start seeing other girls!

[akshayag]

Ah. i wish i was as strong as you brother. How do u do it? i have been reading the acceptance theory book by steven hayes. it says willingly accept you fears and anxiety. i dunno if i am doing it right or not but i have been feeling worse after accepting it...but anyways keep strong, and move on...

Akshay

[Alex]

Steven Hayes has written like a million books, which one did you read? And did you do all the drills and exercises contained in it? That's the real, powerful stuff.

Don't judge your progress on your feelings; feeling are floating things and hard to measure.

And yes, that new boyfriend, Rob, he's probably just a rebound guy.
Just a small note: why care what she thinks when you see other girls? Let it be

[akshayag]

i read the "Get out of your mind & into your life." I did most of the exercises. I don't know man, been losing hope lately. Don't know whats going on with me, i don't have power over myself anymore. I really need to seek some profesional/medical help. already made an appointment with my dr.

we will see what happens.

[robbo]

If i'm honest i care what she thinks about other girls because i want her back :/
i met a girl last night, got her number. rang her today and someone answered saying it was the wrong number. that hit my confidence quite a bit, i ended up buying a load of books on how to improve my personality, how to be funnier etc. i just want her back i wish i could go back to how things used to be but i cant. thats not guna get her back either i really need to move on because the only way to get her back is to create attraction again in a few months by showing her that ive changed. would it be possible to win her back? and if so how would i go about it?