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[johnb]

My girlfriend found some emails on the computer in which I was talking to a girl in our area about meeting up.  The meetings never happened but she totally wont believe me.  She has been sleeping in the other room, wont hardly talk to me, and when I ask her to sit down and talk to me about the situation she says there isnt really anything to talk about.  This happened about a week ago and the situation is still about the same.  We had a trip planned coming up in a week and she says she still wants to go on it but she will probably "just sit by the pool."  We have been together for 4 1/2 years, we own a house together, and have never had any problems like this before.  Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and if so how did it work out.  What should I do?  Its driving me crazy not knowing what she is going to to.  I have told her that I am will to do what ever it takes to make things right and that Im sorry and all that stuff.  Any opinions on the situation would be appreciated.

Thanks,

JB

[Scott D]

Whether or not you actually met the girl, the fact that you intended to, and kept it hidden from your girlfriend, means you screwed up. Once you admit that, and truly apologize, you can start working to make things better.

It is good that you are willing to make up for it, but you need to give her time to cope with the situation. Imagine if you were in her situation--it would probably take you a lot more than a week and a half to deal with it. She has the right to be upset right now. Give her some space, give her some more time, let her do what she needs to in order to come to terms with what happened.

John, I don't mean to sound like you are a bad guy or that you deserve her coldness, so please don't take it that way. I'm glad that you are willing to make things right with your girl, because I know so many other guys out there simply wouldn't care. But infidelity, and even just the prospect of it, is a very big issue that takes time to resolve. Don't smother her with apologies and demand that she talk to you about it, just do your best to make sure she knows that you are still committed to her. She'll come around, and things will work out. I wish you the best, and please keep us updated on your situation.

[johnb]

Thanks Scott,

Dont worry, I dont take your comments in a negative way.  Your right.  I did screw up and I have made it clear to her that I know that.  I know that only a week and a half isnt enough time for her to totally come back around.  Believe it or not, she is starting to talk to me again in small bits.  Not anywhere close to where it used to be but more than she was 5 days ago LOL.  I have pretty much just been letting her do her own thing and I am doin mine.  She actually asked me to cook dinner tonight so I made one of her favorite dishes.....home made ham and pineapple pizza.  Another positive thing is we have a trip coming up next week to vegas that we have been planning for a while and when this all happened she didnt even want to go anymore, now she is going out and buying new outfits, dresses, swimsuit, you name it for the trip.  So, i think our little getaway will be another good thing for us too.  If she wants her space she can go sit by the pool and I can roam the casino and play the occasional hand of blackjack and craps!  Well, thanks for the advise.  I didnt really have anyone to talk to that has been in a similar situation so I think I was freaking out at first but I feel much better today than I have since this all went down.  Well Scott, thanks for the advise.  I will keep you updated on the situation.

John

[Scott D]

I'm glad to here things are settling down a bit, even if it is only a little at a time. Sounds like you're doing it the right way.

Where are you staying in Vegas? That's where I live, so I'm curious. 

[johnb]

We are staying at the Signature at the MGM Grand.  We will be there next thurs and leaving Sun.

[Alex]

Hey John. Although this is not a situation I have been dealing with personally, a close friend of mine has.

At a party he had taken the number from some drunk girl, and when he got home (to his girlfriend), he had just placed the napkin or whatever with the number in his pants. When he woke up the next morning, hell broke loose.

His girlfriend went bananas. She had taken his jeans to wash them for some beer stain or something, and she had found the number. Uhhh ohh...

It took some time for them to become the same "couple" again, but it did happen. I know that he said that the turning point was when they finally laughed together again. He had turned on the TV, and it was some goofy commercial that set him off. His girlfriend had went in to see what was going on, and she had been caught by the good mood and started laughing too. That was when they discovered that chemistry again.

I'm not saying "make her laugh", but make her discover (again) what it is with you that she likes.
It might very well happen on that trip to Vegas, but don't depend on it.

Let us know how it goes!
Alex

[johnb]

Well, I thought things were starting to get better but it turns out that things are just as bad.  We went out shopping yesterday and we seemed to get along fine but she calls me today crying saying it is slowly starting to hit here what happened and she keeps telling me that she doesnt know what to do.  I have been trying to give her space but I dont know if its working.  I guess the one good thing is that she hasnt left yet.  We are still going on our trip later this week and I think that might be a good chance for us but Im not sure.  Im freaking out here.  I cant imagine not having her around and even worse it makes me sick to think of her with another guy.  What can I do to help this situation.

[Scott D]

I think the best thing for you to do is sit her down one night before your trip, and hash everything out. I can't tell you exactly what to say because it has to come from the heart, but make sure she knows that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make this up to her (and I'm sure you are). Hold her hands and look her in the eyes while you speak. Listen intently to her feedback, find out what she wants to do regarding your situation (e.g. what she thinks will help you guys get over this hill). The trip won't go as you want it if you don't at least start to resolve this problem beforehand.

Take comfort in that if she wanted you guys to be over and done with she'd have left for good by now. Although it's still possible that she will still walk away (and I know that hurts to think about), you have a good shot right now. You've done good so far, John. I wish you the best in the coming days.

[johnb]

Update:

Well, I would say our Vegas trip went fairly well.  The night before we flew out we went to a DMB show in Phoenix and we had fun together.  We danced, she even grabbed my arm and held my hand a little.  The next morning we flew to Vegas.  We had a really nice hotel room and hung out together for most of the time.  A couple times she wanted some time to herself so she went to the pool and I went to the casino and walked around.  We went and saw a few shows and stuff like that.  The only "bad"  night we had was our last night there.  We were having a nice dinner and we were sitting at the table but not really talking and she said that she felt akward and we kind of got in a bit of an arguement about her acting like everything was ok and it actually wasnt.  We didnt speak for a little while but then we had some show tickets and we went to the show and everything was fine after that.   We still havent kissed or hugged but she let me rub on her back a little bit.  We got home last night and she still slept in the other room.  I am not going to but her about sleeping in the same bed with me but I hope that will come back with time.  We did sleep in the same bed together in Vegas but we didnt spoon or cuddle or anything like that.  She still says she is not sure about what she is going to do or what she wants but I am thinking that if she isnt gone by now and the fact that she went on this trip with me that she is going to stick around and try and make things work.  What do you guys think?  What else can I do to help her come around?  I have been doing laundry and cleaning and doing stuff that she usually does to help out around the house.  Let me know what you guys think.  Thanks  JB

[Scott D]

It sounds like you are on the right track. She's still trying to ease her own mind about what happened because she's scared, perhaps a little paranoid, of being hurt. As she comes to realize that things really are ok and that you aren't going to just toss her away without regard, things will slowly begin to return to normal. You've done everything right so far from what I can tell. Just try to be patient.

[Alex]

Yeah John, you're doing good. One thing, though, and it's only my personal opinion:
you have to be willing to let her go.

I don't think things will be better between you too before you are able to do that.

It was good hearing about that Vegas trip, it seems like she is beginning to trust you again.
The next 'physical' step for you is to hug her. A long, warm, hug.

Good luck

[johnb]

Well, it happened last night.  She said that the intentions of cheating have made her realilze that we havent been happy for a while.  I told her that I agreed but I was willing to make some changes to see if we could work things out.  She said she has nothing left and broke up with me and is going to move out.  Now I have more to worry about than just the relationship being over, I have a house and other bills that we have been splitting now I will either have to find a roommate or take it on by myself.  Oh well.  Maybe this is a good chance for me to make some changes and find someone that I can be happy with.  I hardly ever saw her because of our opposite work schedules and she was not willing to change that so maybe its best that we broke up.  Let me know what you guys think.  I havent been sleeping very well and havent had much of an appetite but I guess that will get better with time.  I hope so. 

[Scott D]

I'm really sorry to hear that, John. I was sure things would be ok in time. I must commend you on the attitude you've shown so far--I know you're upset, but it seems like you aren't letting it ruin other aspects of your life. I guess this would be the point where you have to do your best to stay realistic and try to move on as best you can, and not hope against hope that she'll come back. It's possible you will get back together, but it probably won't be for a while if ever.

What have you been doing to pass the time alone these past few days?

[johnb]

I have started to hang out with freinds from work more.  I am thinking about getting back into school.

[Scott D]

Sounds good to me. School is an excellent idea--it takes time, you'll meet new people, and depending on the class(es) you take, you'll have a lot of fun as well. Anything in particular you are looking to take or just want to get back into the swing of learning something new?