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[James]

hey guys,

hope some of you can help give me some advice - my head is so messed up at the minute - ive been literally constantly searching the net for getting your ex back sites and reading countless info, from t-dubs magic of making up to other sites where it says the opposite from this book and says remains friends with her and I stumbled across your site and I have to say its great – real guys helping each other out and giving out great advice.


So let me get down to explaining my situation – sorry if this drags on a bit guys but I felt the more I explain about my relationship the better advice I will get.  Im 24 and my ex-girlfriend is 22 – we met through sort of a group of mutual friends (one of her girlfriends for example is my sister) – anyway we hit it off straight away like and we went on first date to the cinema and had nothing but fun for about 9 months – this is the longest relationship ive ever had with a girl before – ive been with a few girls during uni and had a good few 4/5 week relationships that ended but id never really fallen for any of the girls in the past so didn’t really suffer any heartbreak – my ex and I shared so much – she even lost her virginity to me and she has been in a 2 long relationships in the past but she chose me as the person she wanted to be most intimate with (could this be a helping factor in winning her back – the fact that she I was her first?)

Anyway she broke up with me now a few weeks ago – mostly it was my fault – my ex is a non-drinker and on a night out with her I ended up getting very drunk and saying things to hurt her and talking about other girls – I also get quite moody with her when drunk as it happened a few times in the past – I have never cheated on her though and with all relationships that break up I know it all wasn’t my fault and there are things that she could have done better.  I just really want a chance to get back with her – after the incident which lead to us breaking up I wrote her a really long email and told her how special she was and I apologized for my actions – she sent me one back saying she accepting my apologies and she still loved me and she didn’t want to break up she just wanted space and time – in fairness I probably didn’t give her this as best I could because I kept in contact via text (when we were going out we mostly communicate when apart via texts) and shes such a great person she always replied to me but in hindsight I was probably pushing her further away by constantly texting when she needed space because  a few weeks after the email although I felt I was giving her space because we never seen each other face to face I really didn’t give her space because we still texted pretty regular she texted me saying that she wanted to break up!!  I have been gutted ever since – I tried the whole no contact thing after this and I was doing OK with it but then she texted me asking about her period as it was late – because this was worrying her so much and it was something which I was a part of I texted her and re-assured her and it eventually did come – she sent me texts during this time saying you are so so good to me and other really nice things along those lines.  However since it has came she still contacts me but not just in the same way – then on a night out only a few days ago – I wasn’t out but she was talking to one of my guy mates and he said to her that the two of you will be back together yet and she told him yeah probably??

I just don’t know what way best to approach getting her back?  I want to try no contact for 2 weeks and then ask her to meet up and go for a picnic.  What should I do though if I’m doing a no-contact for a 2 week period and say 4/5 days in or any length of time in she sends me a text message out of the blue?  I no strictly you should ignore it but I don’t want her too think ive forgot about her by not replying – maybe the best thing to do if she texts me out of the blue would be do be polite and send her a message back but not get drawn into a long conversation until the 2 weeks have elapsed and I then ask her too meet up for a lunch picnic?

Any thoughts or ideas guys would be greatly appreciated – sorry if I have rambled on way too long – just wanted to put down as much background as I could and its actually been kind of therapeutic getting this all wrote down.

[Brent G]

First off, James, I'd like to say sorry for what happened, it seemed like you both shared a great relationship.
But as you asked you need some help
What you thought was the problem that probably pushed the break-up into effect, was texting her when she asked for space.
Making her think of you brings back many and any kind of memories maybe ones she didn't like.
you shouldve gave her space, texting constantly shouldve been a NO-GO. Texting or talking to her once in awhile seeing how she is, and telling her you're giving full support for what happened  wouldve been a good choice
Maybe thats what pushed her from what you did.
And before, you shouldve never got drunk if your with a girl you care about who is a non drinker, especially if you get like that. But don't let this put you down!
Okay now for the prime advicee
Do not apologize if only you apologized alot before when after the incident happened, she might get tired of another sorry speech.
What you should do is say how you changed and will change for her.
Her texting you every now and then, show that she still wants you there in her life, maybe as a friend or maybe she just wants you to say something important that will show you changed your ways for her and you want her back. Also, you being her first, can help alot for getting back, I know alot of girls who wanted their firsts back alot. Because they will always remember and maybe cherish that special moment of their lives. They feel Very comfortable and happy with the person they are truely intimate with in a relationship
So, do what ever you said you did at the bottom of your text, but when you do, make sure you bring the conversation to those things i pointed out for you.
But YOU MUST know thyself. If You REALLY want to get back with her and feeel that it should happen DO IT, but if you feel she dosen't want you back, or you just don't think things will be better if you are together again, DONT DO THIS, follow Alex's advice on how to move on, maybe when his new E-Book comes out (i wonder when that will come out, and I hope us members get it for free lol) will help.
OTHER JKTC Members, I don't know if this advice is great soo help me and James Out hereeee!!

[zizu]

Hey dude, sorry for what happened. Just wanna say mayb this is a sign u should tone down the drinking. Im not accusing you of being an alcohalic or anything, but this period of reflection should allow you to make some changes for the better. As hard as things are, believe i know how you feel, try and stay strong!

[James]

thanks guys - reading through them comments helped.  yeah zizu during the break up i have took a look at what i done wrong and i have toned down the drinking - i realise it is a change for the better for me and hope she can come to see this too - i know myself im obviously not an alco but as brent says getting really drunk with a girl who an non-drinker was not a good move.

brent - your advice helped a lot - if i had gave her that original space when she asked for it would probably would have been fine.

i guess im just going to try to give her some space this time and see will she give me a chance.

**UPDATE - ive just found out that shes been on 2 dates with her ex bf - the guy she dated for a few months before me - he didnt treat her well so she broke it off - then she gave him a second chance and he still treated her like crap so she they broke up again - duno why she would do this give a guy like that another chance and not want to give me a chance (she used to tell me i was the one) and not only the fact that she has gave him a chance the fact that its been about 2 weeks since we broke and she has already gone on 2 dates with him???

one more thing - she would be really really close to her mom and her mom loved this ex (the guy before me) - for some reason her mom i dont think warmed to me as much - she would tell her that we didnt seem suited though she was sort of coming round to me i think just before we broke.

Any more help or advice guys would be great and thanks for the replys so far.

[Alex]

Good advice guys. James I just read your story with great interest. It's funny how no two cases of this stuff is similar, right

Anyway... I think that you need to man up. She has lost some trust in you, man, and that's hard to get back. If you hope to get back together with her, don't go after any other girls at this stage. Don't drink. At all. Work on yourself, hard! Meditation, exercise, hobbies, career, studies, whatever.

She seems like a great girl. Don't think too much about that ex bf - maybe they'll hit it off, but it's out of your hands.

And also, stop talking so much through texts, it's just impersonal. Meet up in person or at least talk on the phone while discussing such private matters as these.

Let us know how it goes.

[James]

cheers alex,

yeah dont think two cases are ever the same as far as relationships go.

i have laid off the booze since we broke - ive been working hard on myself like you say. 

I also agree that shouldnt talk as much through texts so ive got through my first day of no contact with her - it was a struggle but im glad i proved to myself that i could do it.  Like you say i also cant worry about the other guy - theres nothing i can do.

I'm just gona take your advice and my sisters advice who like i said is one of her friends and give her the time and space she needs and if its meant to be then she'll get in touch with me and we'll maybe meet up in for a picnic/walk or something but if not then i guess it wasnt meant to be and im not gona hold on for her to contact me - ill start to move on cuz it'll be her losing out on a great guy 

[Alex]

James, I like your attitude here. If just you are honest about your wants and needs, it's all good...

Keep us updated if there's any news, if not, let's call it at that. No use in over-analysing things.

Cheers!

[Scott D]

One thing to remember as well is that for better or for worse, you aren't together anymore, and as such you really have no commitments to her. If she calls or texts you asking for a huge favor, don't feel obligated to do it, especially not if it's at your own expense. I know it's difficult to turn a deaf ear to a cry for help, but she was the one who walked away (even if she had a good reason at the time). She sounds like an awesome girl, and it's unfortunate that this happened, but the rest of the guys here are right--focus on yourself and do it for you, not for her.

[victor1]

dude we are in the same boat. Maybe we can work together and give each other advices. Check out my post " I want her back - Please help"

[James]

Well guys,

Its been a while since I been on here and since my first post.  Well I feel now like my ex has put me back at square one.  I deleted her number and all traces of her pictures on my laptop and also her final year uni projects which she had kept a backup copy on my laptop as they also had her contact details.  I was trying to stick with no contact though we sent a few texts including one she sent me on my birthday mid may saying happy birthday pet – hope you have great day..xo.  However then I decided to try and stick with no contact so around 25th May I deleted her number told myselfI wouldn’t contact her even if she got in touch – she then sent me a message on 31st May – just saying hope you keeping OK and enjoyed the match (in relation to a sports team I was watching) – I had the willpower and straight away deleted the txt without replying.  Another 2 weeks had passed and I felt like I was finally getting over her and then she sent me a text telling me how she got on in her final uni degree and that she was so disappointed with it – I couldn’t help but feel I wanted to re-assure her that she hadnt done bad so I texted her back and then we sent each other a few messages and seemed like we were getting on really good again.  I have a concert to go to in late july and I had bought the tickets for us when we were still a couple so I just mentioned to her would she think about going and she said lets just see closer to the time.  I just was unsure how she felt so I asked her straight out what was gona happen or how did she feel – she said she doesn’t know how she feels or what will happen in the future?  I think she is being honest about her feelings and really just doesn’t know but that is nearly the worst thing I felt she could have told me because at least if she had said nah I have no feelings for you and we wont ever get back I could have had complete closure or if she had said yeah I still have feelings for you and maybe we can give this a second go but to say she doesn’t know how she feels or what will happen in the future – its like it gives me some hope but yet no hope either.  Sorry if ive rambled on again guys – it does help though writing it all out and id appreciate any advice or thoughts use have on the situation?


I think myself I have decided it is completely over now – I have again removed all traces of her number and although we have never fallen out and I’d like to still be friends with her for now I cant just be friends with her.  So I’m not going to contact her at all and even if she contacts me I wont reply no matter if she tells me shes feeling disappointed or sad – and im going to forget asking her to the concert im gona bring a mate and have fun.

[Scott D]

I agree and disagree with you. I don't think it's a bad thing that she said she wasn't sure how she felt. You loved this girl for a reason: she made you happy. Things didn't happen to work out the first time, but it's possible something will spark in the future and you can be together again. It may not happen for a long time, or at all, but it's a possibility. You just can't get your hopes up about it, you have to stay realistic.

For the moment I think you have the right mindset. Focus on yourself and have fun. I would advise against cutting her out entirely for the reason mentioned above, but if you talk to her, you have to make sure you are prepared to handle whatever comes of the conversation. Otherwise you'll just end up hurting again. Don't talk to her for now, but in a few weeks or months, if you feel you are ready to come to terms with her, you might want to try a casual conversation with her and see where that leads.

[abogatir]

Honestly, realtionships with non-drinking girls are bad as this will always be a source of tension. There is nothing wrong with drinking less but it is tought to stay with someone so judgemental in my opinion.

[James]

Cheers Scott - i like your advice here.  I suppose no-one ever knows what the future holds but i know your right i have to let go off the hope that we may get back and if we are meant to be i suppose it will happen.  For now though I'm definetly sticking to no contact though if in say a week/2 weeks she sends me a txt making just general friendly conversation what would be the best way to handle it?

Not contact her back or just send a quick reply and then say mayb chat you later im bit busy here?

[Scott D]

The second option sounds better to me. Answer her question(s), ask how she's doing, but 1) keep it casual, and 2) keep it short. Don't start asking how she's feeling or if she's been wanting to see you or anything similar. Now is the time to show your strength to her.

Alex also has a good point here--in the future make sure you sort out potential social problems like drinking before you get seriously involved with someone.

Good luck James, make sure to keep me updated.

[James]

hi guys,

so im back on here again - im still really hurting about my ex - ive kissed a few girls and dated a bit since we been broke up but i dont want to string any of them along when im not fully over my ex.  It makes it extra hard that we have so many mutual friends, etc.  I also hada find out that her ex before me - the one who she ahs started to see again has taken her to paris - just the thought of the two of them 2gether makes me feel like crap.  We have stayed in touch a bit - thats probably why the pain hasnt gone away because i havent made a clean break and stuck fully with NC.  so i asked her about this other ex just the other day and she says not there not going back steady - i was like well if he asked you you'd say yes woudnt you - then she says i duno and i thinks thats my problem id have to think about it.  then she would tell me she is really confused about everything and her head is really really confused abut it all - then she would also come out with lines like who knows what will happen in future with us and also one of my mates asked her just the other night on a night out what about you and james and again she told him duno what will happen down the line - obviously part of what she says is right - no-one knows what the future holds - otherwise id have the lotto number for this weekend  but it just leaves in a really confused place that she doesnt know what she wants?  All i can think of that when her and him come back from paris they will be going steady - the last message i sent her just said i realise shes confused and that it must be hard for her but ill give her some space until she decides what her heart wants and that if she ever decides to contact me the ball is in her court so to speak and it is up to her.  Then she replied and said thank you space sounds good and ill chat to you soon.  I guess all i can do now is not hold out the hope that she will get in touch - just try and start having fun and enjoying my life for me and dont get in touch with her first ever - let her come to me if she wants me.

Sorry for rambling on - its good to write it out and hopefully maybe get some good advice on it all.