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[zizu]

Help me please! I went through a messy break up four months ago. I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 and half years, and to be honest I really regret it, especially in the last two months. Around that time (2 months ago), we had a huge fight over something stupid (it resulted in her changing her number). We both apologised and I told her that I wanted her back. She said she needed time on her own with her friends and that she didn’t want to be in a relationship for a long time. Broken hearted and realising I could do no more then, I decided to try the No Contact Rule. I went almost 5 weeks without seeing her, and the little contact we did have was all initiated by her. A couple of days ago she started texting and ringing me again (she gave me her new number). She said she wants to meet up and talk. Obviously I was delighted and agreed. However I found out today that she has been seeing this guy for about a month or so. Im pretty devastated. I don’t know if I should meet with her now. I think she still wants to be friends, as do I (actually I want to be more than friends), but I don’t think I can be her friend if she is seeing someone else. Im struggling to get over this girl, I really want her back although it now looks unlikely. PLEASE HELP ME THIS IS DRIVING ME NUTS!

[Scott D]

You were together for over four years, and it's only been about four months and she is already dating someone else, correct? That reaks of rebound to me. Try to take a little comfort in the fact that most likely, the only reason she is with this other guy is because she is hurting over your breakup. (Don't be happy that she's hurting, of course, just that she probably doesn't have any true feelings for the other dude). The way I see it, you have two viable options, but neither will be easy on you. 1) Don't meet with her, or talk to her, or respond when she calls. IE stick with NO CONTACT. This way you can't se or hear things that are going to hurt you even more, but the possiblities are going to run through your head, perhaps driving you crazy. 2) Meet with her in a neutral setting (like a public park) and have a nice, civil conversation with her and try to hash things out. If you do this, you may hear things that you really don't want to, and you might leave even more devastated than you are now.

Zizu, please understand that a friendship in this case will not work. Why? Because your breakup wasn't mutual. You both might say you want to be friends, and it might start out ok, but the possessive feelings are going to quickly return, along with jealousy and anger that she isn't yours. In a case such as yours, the best thing to do is either stick with no contact or get back together--you shouldn't (read: can't) stick yourself in no-man's land here. If you do meet up with her to talk and try to explain everything, try to stay realistic. You will both need to work extremely hard for your relationship to work again, if indeed you are both willing to give it another shot. Whatever you do, don't beg her to come back.

On a side note, Alex can you move this thread to the Ex Talk forum, I think it is more suited for that area.

[zizu]

Cheers Scott, I appreciate the advice! Don’t think she is on the rebound though, the thing is she has never been out of a relationship for longer than 3 months. This would be typical of her; she actually can’t survive out of a relationship. She has to be with a guy. She also told a mutual friend that she has moved and that she thinks I have moved on as well???  She wants a friendship (because we were very close when we were together) and I want a relationship. I agree this would leave me in no mans land. I was thinking of using both parts of your advice…. Meeting with her and then telling her its not a good idea we be friends for a while until I get my head sorted? Then I will break contact. What do ya think?


Sorry I posted in the wrong section!
 

[Scott D]

I think that would be a very good way to go--however, you aren't the one who needs to get your head sorted, she is. This goes along with holding the power: don't let her think that you are the one with the problem here. Although you were the one to end the relationship (or so I assume from what I read in your first post), there is nothing wrong with wanting her back. I think it is a good thing you told her so as well, that way she knows that if she willing to try again, then maybe you can both work it out. You took the first step, so now it's her responsibility to meet you in the middle. However, telling her "we shouldn't be friends until I figure out what I want" or something similar makes you seem like the immature/needy one in this case. Saying something more like, "Sweetheart, you know how much I care about you, but I think it would be too difficult for both of us if we tried to be just friends. I think it would be good for us to try to move on for now," I feel, would be more effective and getting through to her just how real the situation is.

You might think I'm crazy because you want to get back with her. That's understandable. But if you show her that you do not need her, and you do your best to move on, she will question leaving you for good. EG does she really want to risk giving you up for good? If not, then congratulations! You might just have another chance with her. But if she is willing to risk having you leave for good, then she really isn't the kind of girl you want to be with, and you should initiate no contact immediately. That might be a tough pill to swallow, but you should not allow her to take advantage of your loyalty.

Immature love says "I love you because I need you."
Real love says "I need you because I love you."

There is a big difference, and I think it might be a good idea to mull over which one you and your ex would be more likely to say.

Disclaimer: Sorry if I sound like an asshole or if you disagree with what I say. I have more sympathy for you than you could imagine, having been there myself. But I know from experience (as do most other guys on here, I'm sure) that the best decision is often the most difficult one to make. I wish you the best of luck, zizu, because I know that times like this can wreak havoc on every aspect of your life. Stay strong though, because no matter how bleak the day seems, it can't rain forever. And of course, do keep us updated. 

[zizu]

Ok, we met up last Thursday and went out for a coffee. Things didn’t go great to be honest. We talked for about an hour or so. She was telling me all the stuff shes been up to in the month we didn’t see each other, such as how she is going out all the time, all the new friends she has made (and how their mostly guys) and that she and one other girl are going away in the summer with a loads of lads. Also she was texting her ex constantly during the time I was with her (the guy she was with before me). She told me how he has been constantly asking her out lately, telling her how much he wants her, that’s she is beautiful, that type of thing. She said she is not interested, but im not so sure. When I found this out, I had to excuse myself and go to the toilet to get sick. Yep this girl made me physically sick, not cool!

On the car in the way home I made a silly decision, I told her again how I feel about her. Im pretty sure I gave up the power by doing this. She said that she started kinda missing me a bit, but that she didn’t want to get back together at the moment. She said she could see it happening in the future, but at the moment she just wants to be single. Ok, possibly the worst thing she could of said because now she has given me hope. Then I told her that at the moment I couldn’t be friends with her.  Before I got the chance, SHE suggested that we take another few weeks of no contact. What is the significance of this? Or am I just over analysing? She told me to call her when Im ready, and that she wont contact me….. What do you think I should do now, No contact for a month and then call her?

[Scott D]

From what I gather, she is attempting a bit of reverse psychology on you. You admitted (again) that you have feelings for her and want to get back together, but after she rejected the offer, you said you couldn't be friends. That, to her, would sound like you are trying to keep some sort of dignity. She did her best to shoot you down by saying she won't call you or anything--she said that because she expects you to call. You are right, she does have the power right now. But you can get it back. How? By going against her expectations. Don't call her, period. Not after a month, not after two months, not after a year. Simply don't do it. You won't benefit at all by talking to her anyway. She is looking forward to hearing from you, because for whatever reason she gains pleasure from having you fawn over her. Most, if not all, girls are like that. Don't believe me? Then why did she constantly talk about how much her ex likes her and how much fun she is having now (that she is not with you!)

I know it sucks man, I really do. The best thing you can do yourself is just try to move on. Live for yourself, not for her. Don't do what she wants you to do, do what you know you need to.

[zizu]

Right Dude,
Its been 3 weeks since i last talked to my ex. Its been really difficult for me and im still strugglng with trying to get over her. She text me 2day out of the blue, i dunno wheather i should write back to it or not? Either way im pretty screwed. What do ya think?

[Scott D]

Don't. She's trying to get to you, even though she might not know it herself. Keep doing what you're doing, it will get easier with time.

[anthengland]

Hey Zizu I have been following your story here and I was wondering how you are doing? It seems this girl is torturing you my friend. Scott hit the nail right on the head when he said the right decision is usually the toughest to take. I know it seems crazy to get rid of somebody who was a big part of your life but I can assure you it's the best way. Take control and as Alex keeps saying-work on yourself.

[zizu]

Cheers mate, appriciate all the advice! My problem is my ex keeps contacting me at various intervals, and im weak so I always write back like an idiot. Then afterwards i feel foolish for doing so. I havent seen her in 5 weeks though which is good. Problem is though im bound to run into her very soon, as we live near each other. Also the area is small so iv been avoiding the local night clubs n bars for fear of running into her. That has ment iv had to sacrafice part of my social life as im afraid of going out with my friends cos there is a 90% chance that im going to run into her. Still feels like im stuck in a rut at the moment and i havent really began to get on with my life yet.

[victor1]

Dude how have you been doing? Any Updates? I'm actually going through the same situation. Check up my post "I want her back - Please Help" I am clueless on what I am going to do. Good thing I'm flying out of this country and taking a long break.