My situation, like that of many other guys around here, is in a word, complicated. It goes like this...
I was pretty young when my ex and I got together. I was 16 at the time, and she was 15. She had dated a guy for around five months, and had cheated on him several times with someone else. For whatever reason, she and I became really close friends during this time, and I was basically her "go-to guy" for help and advice, because she knew I wouldn't think less of her and that I would keep her secrets. She started to have feelings for me straight away. She broke up with her boyfriend, explained to me how she felt, and shortly after we started dating. Some people might think that I was a rebound, but that is far from the truth. She didn't become attached to me because she broke up with the other dude, it was the other way around.
I had some reservations about dating her, because she cheated on the guy she was with before me, and naturally I was afraid she would do the same to me. I explained my fears to her, and she completely understood. She promised me she would never cheat on me, knowing how seriously I take promises. After that, things were amazing. I fell hard for her. Being young and living on opposite sides of town, we very rarely got to spend time with eachother outside of school. This bothered me, but I understood our situation was a difficult one in that aspect, so I was patient and took what I could get. Her dad was very protective, very strict, so she never told her parents that we were dating. This also bothered me, but again I understood. To this day, I don't think her parents know exactly how serious our relationship was.
For our first anniversary, I bought her a gold ring that had three heart-shaped rubies. It felt like everything was right in the world. We talked about a future together, getting married after college, moving to Seattle, adopting a cat and we agreed on not having children. I don't ever remember being happier than I was then. But it didn't last.
Not seeing her outside of school was really taking a toll on me. I played soccer after school for half the year, so we didn't even get time together after classes were over. She began making new friends in my absence, and it got to the point where even on those rare occasions that we did have the opportunity to just sit and talk and enjoy eachother's company after school, she would tell me to just go home because she preferred to hang out with her other friends. I never made a big deal out of that, because I know that it wasn't because she didn't want to spend time with me. She simply enjoyed her time with her other friends, and that was understandable.
After about a year and a half, we started arguing a lot. It was always about the same things. I wanted our relationship to be more serious, I didn't want to have to carouse behind her parents' backs, I wanted to be able to go on dates and actually be together outside of the classroom. I started getting mad that she wasn't making enough for me, she got upset that I became very antisocial (my reasoning was nobody else mattered). For better or for worse, I can't remember exactly what happened around that time, but it got real bad real fast.
The beginning of my senior year of high school, I broke my wrist in eight places during a soccer match. I needed surgery to fix it, and was forced to sit out the rest of the season. One short month later, she dumped me. She didn't really have a reason other than she was not happy anymore. She didn't explain why, she didn't tell me what I could do to fix it. She just said it's over. I wanted to die. I tried being friendly, hoping she would change her mind, but she never did. She didn't show any remorse, didn't show any inclination of giving me another chance. She wasn't rude at all, she was sympathetic to how much pain I was in, but she wasn't willing to help.
A month and a half after that, I found out by snooping through her USB flash drive that she had cheated on me. She had pictures of her and another guy kissing, conversations between them talking about how much they loved eachother. I can't remember when they were dated, I just remember that she and I were still together when all of this took place. I was devastated, as you could well imagine. This girl, the love of my life, the girl who even now I love with all of my heart and soul, had betrayed me. I was diagnosed with manic depression, and spent four months on an antipsychotic medication and going to therapy weekly. It still amazes me that I am here today. Every time I would wake up, I would pray that I would die. I didn't have any motivation, and I'm a little ashamed to admit that I even tried overdosing on pain medication twice. I had a genuine desire not to live anymore, and that scared me. It took me nearly a full year (with one other short relationship during that time) before I was confident that I could really get on without her, but I'm still feeling the effects of the loss.
We got together February 14, 2005. We broke up October 30, 2006. One year, eight months, and sixteen days. I wish I could forget, but I know I never will.
But that's not all!
Last August, at the beginning of the fall semester at school, I hand-wrote her a letter explaining that if she was willing, I'd like to try being friends again. We missed each other, we were best friends for so long. Our situation could have ended differently (or not ended at all) but she made a mistake, and unfortunately I got hurt over it. So we tried being friends, we talked on the phone a lot, we even hung out a couple times. The biggest hurdle for me was that she was still dating the guy she cheated on me with. That was a tough pill to swallow. It seems like every mistake she made with me (not making time for me outside of school, being unwilling to talk about our serious problems until they were solved, etc) she fixed for this other guy. She gave him everything I feel like I deserved. She is a better person, and it's good to know that she learned from her mistakes, but I couldn't (and still can't) help but feel left behind, because everything she did wrong with me, she did right with him.
Just one month ago, at the beginning of this year, he ended up dumping her. I was the first person she told, before even her parents. She knew I would be there for her, because she knew I went through the exact same thing. I gave her advice, consoled her, talked her through it, despite the hell that it put me through. I still love her, and it was so painful to hear about how much she is going to miss the other dude, how much she loves him (and not me), and how much she is willing to do to get him back. Having been there, I understood how she felt, and I did my best to stay objective. It was difficult, and I spent many sleepless nights wondering where we were headed. I still had feelings for her, and she mentioned that she could one day love me again. But it didn't work out that way.
Just last week she and I were talking, and she told me that she was beginning to like another guy. They met in one of her classes, and when he asked her on a date she accepted. They are dating now, and as a result, she and I are no longer friends. She knew that in our current situation, with the feelings I still have for her combined with our long and painful history, we could not stay friends if she started dating someone else. And yet she did it anyway. I do not begrudge her that, I'm not mad at her at all for it. I know she is just trying to make herself happy, and she can't be faulted for that. But once again I felt left behind, and so I took my leave. After everything I've done for her, after the hell I've been through on her behalf, I feel like I deserve better. But she is not able (and let's face it, not willing) to do what it takes to give me better. It was the hardest thing I've ever done to tell her that I don't want to be friends anymore. But if she is going to choose someone else over me, then I have no option but to do the same. I chose myself over her. It's hard, and at times I almost regret it, but I know my decision was for the best. It's been three days since I initiated the no contact rule, and even though I want more than anything to call her and see how she is doing, I can already tell that things are getting better.
I am 20 years old now, still young by most standards, but I've been through a lot. To any other guys out there who are upset with themselves for not being able to move on, stop kicking yourself over it. It has been two and a half years since my girlfriend dumped me, and I am still not completely over her. I still miss her, I still wish things turned out differently. All in all, if I had to point a finger, it would be at her. I know I am far from a perfect boyfriend, but I proved time and time again that I was (and am) willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy and make a relationship work. But in this case, things just didn't work out. Healing is a slow process sometimes. Often, the only thing that keeps me from quitting is the hope that things will get better. But they will, I know it.
