Alex: You are so very right!
Scott: Yep, it's nice to hear from you too man
Right now I'm focusing more on friends and exams anyway, and I guess she is too... I've decided not to text, call, or chat with her for the moment - unless she initiates contact. You see, here is our (my) problem and why this relationship is so destructive for both of us:
She is a very independent and "free" girl, and doesn't show much affection. To me, physical contact with my girlfriend is extremely important. I'm also very cynical and tend to accumulate negative thoughts over time, and over-analyze a lot of things. I think I like her somewhere between a little to a lot more than she does, but she tells me that's not necessarily true.
I analyze all the stuff she does (talking to other guys or her ex), as well as the stuff she doesn't do and I feel she should (like not coming and talk to me, not texting me, not having time for a date, not answering her phone). I accumulate false impressions and keep saying to myself "If she really loved me, she would have done that and wouldn't have done this", up to the point where I'm extremely angry at her, think she's using me, and is a sly b*tch because she goes out with me when she doesn't even love me. I end up being totally blind to the good vibes she does send.
She then comes rushing to me, asking me what's wrong and why I'm so angry. I answer "nothing" because the last thing I want is her to think I'm insecure or needy. This actually comforts my analysis of the situation, and I say to myself "and only now, when she sees I'm pissed off, does she give me attention".
It ends in me or her blowing up. She then says she doesn't know me, and that I always shut her out, and that she's sick of being constantly blamed for every single thing. The typical question she asks is "Of what use am I to you?". I, on the other hand, tell her I don't feel like her boyfriend and that she doesn't give a sh*t, and use the heap of examples I've analysed and accumulated to prove my point. The typical question I ask is "Why are you going out with me?"
Finally, she convinces me that she does care, and both of us make promises to change things and make efforts. But it always, always comes back. Things go smoothly after that for about a week, and then I start building up again. The cycle is about two weeks long, some being more intense than others. That's how I've been living for the past 10 months now - so much pain, so much suffering on both sides.
She makes me cry at least once a week, and I've done and said things that made her feel terrible too. But sometimes (I've done it twice in four months), I come out and tell her how much I love her instead of criticizing every single one of her moves, and it makes her so happy she bursts into tears and becomes speechless. It makes her so happy even her Mom can tell what just happened without her saying a word.
This cycle - I have to stop it. Here are my three options:
1) Be more of a challenge, be a little more distant. Let her do more of the chasing, be less available (I've never said "no" on a dating proposal - I'm nearly always the one who plans dates, but she usually initiates talking). This will make her like me more and she will probably be more affectionate with me. However, I know that the more I'll get, the more I'll want. And this is the sort of thing that would piss off a girl unless she was so madly in love with you that she didn't have any life outside of the relationship (not the case with my girl
).
2) Be more open to her: talk about problems as they arise, tell her how it made me feel when she did X or Y, try to communicate openly and freely, tell her that I love her more often. This might turn her off and I might look insecure and needy which will cause her to lose interest (fear of being thought insecure, and ultimately fear of rejection). I will worry if I feel she isn't reciprocating (and immediately stop). However, all she's been asking is for me to open up, for me to tell her what I'm thinking deep down. This could also start a virtuous circle of love. The more I make her happy, the more she will.
3) Break off from her completely. This will be extremely hard to do. I will be seeing this girl every single day for the next full year, so applying the no contact rule is purely and simply impossible. And I want her as my girlfriend, not as my ex. We've tried being friends before dating: didn't work. We've tried not talking to each other and hating each other: didn't work. We're trying to make it work as a couple, and it's still not working
4) Keep things as they are. Maybe it's all the unhappiness and the pursuit of an "ideal" that keeps both of us so interested in the relationship. Thats just sad though. People date because people want to be happy. A relationship that makes both parties unhappy is just a god damn paradox.
Sorry for the long post... What.should.I.do? Which card should I play?
