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[Seta]

Hi guys. I've been thinking about posting my story on this site for a good while now, and since then it has changed a lot, as have my feelings towards the whole situation.  I believe that at one point, I made the right choice on what to do, but in the past, I don't know, four or five days I did something I regret hugely now. We went from dating, to broken up and not talking, to.. Something I'm not sure what to call.  This story might be a little different than the others, and quite long, so please excuse the length. 

What I am hoping to get out of this is advice on what I should do now, so I'll tell you all what happened when we broke up and where I am now.  You should know, before you read this, that she is now with my best friend of seven years (who is no longer a friend by any means). I'm not getting into that though. So anyway;

Three weeks ago I'd be telling you all how much I hate my Ex, Kim, and how I am so sad, how I don't know what to do, etc. etc. Since then I've spoken with Anthony Parkes (you might know him from con.structed.org).  We exchanged several emails and what I got from him was basically to do the no contact rule. He suggested that I was still stuck on step one of his article 'The 5 Stages To Forgetting About a Girl', which would be Denial. So I took his advice and followed it. I cut all contact with Kim. I blocked her emails/texts/calls/Instant Messangers/etc. so I would have no urge to contact her if she were to ever message me.  This worked great.  I thought I was over her, and that I had lost those feelings for her.

So one day I'm talking to some friends on AIM, just wasting time, not much is happening. I get an IM from someone I don't know. They tell me after some persuasion that they are my Ex's best friend Jamie.  She cleared a lot up for me over the next 5 days - She had told me that my old friend had influenced my ex, lied about me, etc. etc. to basically steal her from me when our relationship got a little bumpy. I had the one thing he wanted, and he got it.  She allowed me to realize the mean, spiteful emails from my ex were all heavily influenced by my friend.  It explained all the far-fetched lies riddled throughout the email, and the stupidity of some of the comments (such as I have an unnatural attraction to him).  After a lot of convincing and persuasion she got me to speak with my ex.

So I started to speak with her about five days ago or something like that.  I unblocked her calls, emails, etc.  I thought to myself 'I still love her', and apparently, even though she said she didn't, she still loved me.  I'm not saying I don't still have feelings for her, because I do. I never really got over her. I just convinced myself that I was over her by having no communication at all so I'd stop thinking about her.  Now things get complicated here.

She's straight up cheating on her current boyfriend, my old best friend. He lives about 500+ miles away, and me and her are pretty much doing everything a couple would do, from hanging out and talking all the time to sexual activities.  Now we're not with each other.  We both realize that. She's with him.  I don't know what the hell I am doing.  I know this is just wrong.  I still wish I was with her, and I am getting so jealous, not only because she is with another person but also because he was my BEST FRIEND.  Then one day he stabs me in the back, sends me a spiteful email, and tells me he is with her? Cool.

So now you know what's happening now. I'm getting streaks of jealousy, anger and even some anxiety now and then.  Just knowing the things they do, and the fact my best friend of all people is with her while we're doing what we're doing is eating away at me.  He's told her lies about me, soo many lies I was just in shock.  She says she doesn't know what to do because she is torn between us (again, when she said that it hurt).  I realize now that talking to her and doing all this dumb crap was the worst thing I could possible do.  I just HATE the feeling of jealousy/anxiety/nervousness and on occasion anger towards my old friend.  This only started when I started talking to her again.  I don't want to turn into someone who has a bad jealousy/anxiety problem. None of this is healthy.  It's weird because when I am with her and talk to her all these feelings disappear.  Even now as I write this I have the same nervous/anxious/jealous feeling in my chest just thinking about them together.

To top it all off, she has a very important surgery coming up and I don't want to drop this bomb on her and make her just crumble under all of the pressure while she is very scared of her medical issues.  I'm trapped.  I don't know what to do right now.  It's killing me to do this with her while she's with my old friend, and I can't really speak up about it because of what's going on in her life right now. I don't want to make things worse as she is already drained physically and emotionally.

I just wish I had not got involved with this all again, but I am. I'm an idiot.  Any advice? 

[JCZ]

Advice, hmmm... Well, let me tell you first that I feel for you, having read what you've had to go through. So first of all, I wish you the best of luck, and I sincerely hope that eventually you'll get something that will make up for all what you have to go through now.

That said, I'd definitely try to not let this get to you. Tough, I know, especially since she's doing 'things' with you again. Well, maybe the way in which she was influenced by your ex-friend so quickly will help you remember. I must say that sounded especially bad. To be honest, I almost never hear of people that break up from their ltr because of things someone else told them. And I'm not tempted to hold such people in high regard.

Also, it's quite understandable that you're jealous of this other guy (let's not bring in the 'friend' word yet again, shall we). Well, the guy must have a certain way with women, since I don't know of any other guy capable of outright stealing a girlfriend from someone. But think about it this way: the girl's opinion of you was influenced by things she knew by hearsay. It's only a matter of time before history repeats itself while she's with this guy. That said, the guy obviously does whichever he thinks necessary for getting what he wants, but most of the times this will eventually not work out so nicely. And lastly: the guy lives 500 fscking miles away from her! How big is the chance that relationship, started on false grounds since he wasn't honest with her, will hold out? I'd say it's tiny.

To conclude: she's a fool for not leaving him for you right away. You can tell her that. Should I have to choose between a dishonest significant other and someone I can trust, I'd make my decision in the blink of an eye.

[JCZ]

OK, maybe some more practical advice then... Read Alex' blog posts on this site (not only the getting-over-girlfriend posts), and try to put into practice what he says. Try not to only be very happy with her, but see yourself as a prize, a challenge. Tease her, use banter lines on her, let her chase you and not the other way around (you deserve this). It's doable, and though I'm not very good at it, I'm seeing more results from it than from me being the poor sweet lovable fellow that's always happy with female attention. And I think you'll, too.

I think every man deserves a girl that's totally addicted to him. And someone will only get addicted to something that's fun but challenging. Try to focus on that a little, and eventually her addiction will be to you, and the other guy will be a forgotten dream.

[Seta]

Thanks for the reply.  I've read from several people that they should be doing the chasing, and I find myself quite bad at following that 'rule'.  Guess I'll have to try harder. 

Well, the guy must have a certain way with women, since I don't know of any other guy capable of outright stealing a girlfriend from someone.

Yeah, you're right. I thought yo myself "Wow, he must have a good pickup line."  He's never had a girlfriend and he has no female friends that he hangs out with or talks to outside school. Confuses me.  That's why I am assuming it was all because of the lies he spouts out about me every chance he gets.

The fact that he has lied has been brought up to her by not only me but her friend also, and I really don't get why she continues to want to be with him. I should just stop trying to understand.   

[JCZ]

I agree you should. Really, oftentimes women are just about impossible to understand.

By the way, about this 'rule': I'd try not to try to follow it. At least, try to not do it explicitly (huh? I'm confusing even myself here). Try to make it a mindset: you're the one she'd want to be with. And if it so happens she doesn't, well, then she's out of luck, since you're the one having an exciting life. You shouldn't try, since you already are an exciting, special person, aren't you?

Might take some time to get used to, but after that, life gets so much more fun.