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[Anthony Parkes]

Hello!

First off, let me tell you guys that you guys rule ! This forum is an awesome place to share advice and experiences. So thank you for being a part of it!

Now, let me give you some background as to why I'm asking this question. Here, I've explained the situation in my relationship. Things are going awesomely great with the girl that I've been dating for the last 4 months. Problem: the summer... I won't be seeing my girl in a full two months. Other problem: We've spent the last week discussing which "policy" to adopt for the summer, but (as always) we have very, very different views on the matter.

Here's what she thinks: "We should give ourselves an "open" relationship. We won't be physically together for a full two months. You're going to places where there are going to be LOTS of gorgeous girls, and don't tell me you're not going to be tempted. If we choose a closed, exclusive thing for two months, we're going to be living in paranoïa for the whole time, wondering what we're both doing in each others' back - it'll only lead to deception when we come back."

More stuff: the guys or gals she or I will be seeing (if it ever happens) are all going to be some "one-night kissing" plans (no sex - trust me on this one), something purely physical, that doesn't even compare to what we both feel for each other. We won't even be seeing the person ever again when we get back. She's leaving with a couple of girl friends who are all single. We decided we would take some time when we come back, and tell each other honestly and openly if something did happen with someone else during our 2 month break.

Here's what I think: If she let alone kisses another man - even if it's purely physical, when I'm out of sight - I will dump her right on the spot, with absolutely no second thoughts. I've told her that. I've also told her there is no way I would be making out with other chicks because she's the one I'm thinking about whenever I see another chick. I also told her she was asking for way too much.

She told me she just didn't want to spend her whole vacation getting all crazy about what I'm doing, and that if we take my policy it can only breed deception - she told me "if we go down your road, and I learn that you've been making out with other girls and I've stayed faithful, not only will I never talk to you again - I will burst out in rage and go crazy". Choosing her policy doesn't mean something is going to happen, it just means that if it does, we should dash through it.

There is no compromise... I ended up telling her I didn't want to control her and that she should do what she feels is right. "There's no point in going nuts about what you're going to do now. When you have the opportunity to kiss another guy, you'll have a split second to decide what you're going to do. Be careful, you might destroy our relationship just to have some fun on a hot summer night at the beach."

She took my sweatshirt (which she sleeps with) on vacation, as well as some of my cologne. Yesterday, she sent me a "three text long" message, telling me I was her first love (she's dated a huge amount of men - this is her longest relationship up to date, and I believe it's the first time she is in love) and she told me "I love you" for the first time - I'm pretty sure it's the first time she ever says that to a guy. She told me this two month break scared her and she didn't want it to kill us. She had also informed me that if she had known it was going to get so serious between us, she would have split her holidays and came back so we could see each other.

For the moment, I'm sticking to my policy - kissing someone else is cheating, even in a long distance relationship, even if we're young and that's what we do at our age. And to me, cheating is unforgivable. Hence, if she cheats, I dump her. If she tries to lie to me (I doubt she will, because I trust her), I'll end up discovering anyway, and that'll give me a second reason to dump her.

A scientific study has shown that men are more scared of "physical" cheating than women - the evolutionary explanation being that men must guarantee the exclusivity of a woman's womb for reproduction - without any competition. Women on the other hand, fear "emotional" cheating, i.e. the guy being attached to another woman - the evolutionary explanation being that women need to guarantee the exclusivity of another man's protection and food for her child and her own survival. This is very true in our case.

And to you guys: can kissing another guy or girl you will never see again, during a two-month break, up in a club during the summer, considered cheating? Do you think we should dump the other if this happens? And what if both of us "cheat"?

Guys: What is cheating to you? Is cheating unforgivable?

Cheers

Anthony - sorry for the lengthy post and rant

[Cpt. Jackal]

Uhm... that's a good point you raise. To the best of my abilities, it honestly depends on the relationship you're in.
If you both talked about it, like you did, and each outlined his/her plan for handling the situation, thereby reaching a solution of compromise, then, well, I'd stick to that plan. After all, a relationship is a series of agreements based on trust, at a basic level, so if the two of you decide that you want to have an open relationship for some time, fine, it's not cheating, I think.

I see cheating as something fundamentally dishonest, where you are either getting physical or emotionally too close (and with the wrong intentions) to someone while you are in a relationship with someone else, and your relationship does not allow this kind of behaviour. Therefore, if while in a relationship you meet someone you are very interested in, and you understand that this is happening to you, you might consider ending the current relationship.

Is cheating forgivable? Well, again, it depends. It depends on why it was done, and in what situation. I wouldn't expect to be forgiven, as I have not had that possibility in the past, but in some situations I guess I might be able to continue my relationship with someone who cheated on me. Again, I'd have to live in that particular case to speak...

Right now, I'm looking for a relaxed kind of frequentation, I need a break from something too serious for a while, and I need a circle of people to hang out with more than I need a single solid relationship.

[abogatir]

Well, I would definitely say kissing is cheating as it a sign of affection for someone else. I do not think it is forgivable as it violates a basic trust. What you have with this girl is special and you should not go for an "open" relationship. This will truly be a good test for both of you.

[Scott D]

Any form of sexual contact (including kissing) is cheating. There's no other way about it.

To me, "emotional" cheating doesn't really constitute as cheating, because the basic definition of "emotional" cheating is simply a strong emotional connetion with someone other than your significant other. And to me, there isn't anything wrong with being so close to someone else as long as both parties respect the entire other relationship. Difficult to explain, I guess.

To me, cheating is forgivable, but the wrongdoer must earn forgiveness. (S)He can't expect it to just blow over and everything will be fine and dandy. Having been there (been cheated on that is, I've never cheated), I know first-hand how difficult and painful that road can be. But I think everyone can agree that everyone makes mistakes, and it shows a distinct amount of character when you are able to forgive the people who hurt you to such an extent. That is open for debate of course. But I believe everyone deserves a second chance, as long as they earn it.

[Anthony Parkes]

Hmmm... Interesting to see different points of view on the matter. I would agree with Scott (i.e. "any form of sexual contact including kissing is cheating") except that to me, cheating is unforgivable: she cheats, I'm out. Forever.

On a side note, there's a similar question going round the Steve Pavlina Forums - check it out!

[JCZ]

Ah, we have another Steve Pavlina reader here!

[Anthony Parkes]

Yep, just as I'm interested in Men's health and dating advice, I also like to fumble in the Personal Development niche - it's allowed me to build more introspection and powerful life lessons as well - definitely recommended! Especially Think Simple Now, PluginID and Zen Habits. Check 'em out if you don't already

[abogatir]

Thanks for the links, always loved reading Steve Pavlina. Especially the part about not having a job 

[JCZ]

I'm checking those sites out right now, Anthony! Thanks!