Hello Just Keep the Change, my name is Rob.

I never expected to be one of those guys whose girlfriend ruled his life. Heck, I remember talking with my buddies about a friend or two of ours back in college and how “that would never happen to me”. But a demanding, manipulative girlfriend can sneak up on you when you’re busy living life, and the next thing you know you’re in a relationship from hell. That’s why happened to me.

Kelli With an “I”

I met Kelli at work, like so many people do, I guess. She was a supervisor in a different department and, I have to admit, that kind of appealed to me. Things were great at first. We kept work in the workplace and there was no reason for our work status to matter. Heck, Kelli’s job was a big plus, because she introduced me to other managers and we got along. If anything, our relationship was helping me make friends at the workplace, and I was a young guy fresh out of college looking to move up.

Love and Romance

Like I said, things were great for the first year. We dated. We had our circle of friends, sort of a different circle of friends from what I was used to. Maybe I was looking for something a little different and more adult. Kelli was a few years my senior, but the age difference wasn’t that big of a deal. We had similar hobbies, similar interests. Even our lives were some pretty parallel: both from suburbia, both from broken homes, both from the same part of the country. We had reasons to relate.

Things were even casual at first. We dated off and on for about 4 or 5 months. I continued to see other people, but nothing much to speak about. Kelli was married to her career. We got along.

Things Take a Turn For the Worst

About five months in, though, we started to get more serious. It all started on Kelli’s 29th birthday. I made sure we had a romantic night. We made love. Maybe she was feeling her age, because we talked seriously about our relationship for the first time. After that, Kelli and I were in a committed relationship. It was something I wanted, too. We clicked.

Even then, things were good for the next half year. Then we started talking engagement and marriage. In hindsight, I realise Kelli was on a time table. Something in her needed to have a fiance, needed to be planning the future, needed to be talking kids and a family life and good schools. Me, I was still in a different place than Kelli, and that’s when I started to pull away. It was subtle at first.

Kelli Changes

That’s when Kelli started to show her other side: demanding, jealous, spiteful. I realized that Kelli was used to getting her way and that she didn’t like being told “no”. I guess being a supervisor does that to you.

Me? I had my doubts, but I also had a year together that was playing tricks with my mind. Kelli and I had had an amazing year together – in many ways, the best year of my dating life. We had been equals in a relationship for most of that year and I was content. Even now, I wanted to remain in the romance: it’s just that Kelli was wanting to go faster than I was. Well, that’s what I thought at the time.

My friends saw it differently. Moving into a new circle of friends, I guess I had lost touch for weeks and sometimes even months on end. When the engagement came about, I naturally wanted Kelli to meet my friends. They weren’t impressed, on either side of the equation. It’s always crazy when two worlds collide, but my friends were astounded I was with what they saw as a bossy, over-critical biyatch. Frankly, they were amazed I put up with Kelli’s act.

A Dramatic Argument

In one dramatic scene, one of my oldest, closest friends (Dustin) took me out for drinks and told me he thought we were co-dependent. I told Dustin my engagement wasn’t any of his damn business. Things got heated. I told him I should come over the table for the way he talked about Kelli. Dustin shot back with “Die tryin’” and walked out of the place.

We didn’t talk for a while. It put a real strain on our friendship. Frankly, I didn’t even know what codependent was, but Dustin got me to thinking. After considering what my buddy had to say, I decided he was right. Something was wrong. I wasn’t in the kind of relationship I wanted to be in.

So there I was, engaged to a woman who was a superior at work, who was friends (or so I thought) with half of my direct managers at work, and who was starting to put all kinds of crazy demands on my time and loyalties. Anytime were were apart for more than an hour, she was calling my Blackberry. She was demanding I “check in” with her at all hours of the night. She didn’t want me seeing my friends, sometimes even my family. Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, I was in a crazy romance.

The Breakup

So we end up going to a party at my sister’s one night. Kelli was never very happy about these kind of get-togethers, but Kelli’s had gutted it out a few times, because my sister would obviously be her sister-in-law soon. My sister, for her part, likes to have a good time at her parties, so she didn’t like to see Kelli coming, because she had made a scene at the previous event.

We get to the party and are having a good time for about an hour. It’s at that point that I see Rachel, a woman I had known through my sister for a couple of years. Rachel and I had had chemistry from the start and I had asked her out when we first met. She was serious with a guy at the time, but had since broken up. Rachel and I would talk at these parties, but we had become friendly acquaintances and I didn’t feel any kind of romantic chemistry.

Kelli didn’t see it that way. She saw me talking with this hottie and I guess she didn’t like the way Rachel looked at me. From what happened later, maybe she sensed something in the way I acted, though there was nothing conscious on my part. Whatever the case, Kelli came over to the two of us and started up her act. She was snotty to Rachel and controlling towards me, trying to put me down or put me in my place or whatever. Rachel isn’t the kind of person to listen to that kind of stuff about someone she likes, so she told Kelli to calm down and stop being a bitch.

The next thing you know, Kelli is leaving the party and telling me to come along. We go outside to her car and have a huge fight. I had had enough. I grew a set and told Kelli our relationship had spiraled out of control. I told her she had changed. She told me she realized she didn’t know me. I replied, “I think it’s obvious we neither one knew one another like we thought.” Then I called off the engagement. Enraged, Kelli spun out down the road.

A First Kiss

So there I was, having made a big scene at the party with my fiance. As they say, the wedding was off. You can imagine walking back into that party (I had no ride) and having to answer all those questions. My sister and her friends wanted to know what had happened, then I had to listen to all my over-served friends tell their Kelli horror stories. Even at that moment, I didn’t want to hear that. Dustin told them they were stupid for saying all those things, since we’d be back together the next day. I told Dustin he was one to talk, but we grinned at each other and knew we were good again.

I went to apologize to Rachel for having to see all that and put up with my controlling ex-fiance. She was real cool about it. We found a quiet place away from everyone and sat and talked for a while. I told Rachel my troubles and she told me she’d been through something similar.

Rachel told me she was “out of there” and offered to drop me off. I accepted. Before I got out of the car, Rachel asked me out sometime, “if I was really through with that girl”. I replied, “I was about to ask you the same question.” Rachel told me that she was definitely through with Kelli. We laughed, then we kissed.

Rob and Rachel Sitting in a Tree

Kelli and I talked a few times about reconciliation, but it was a formality at that point. We both knew it was through. I was afraid I would see repercussions at work, but I eventually realized that Kelli’s personality had rubbed more than me the wrong way. We’re in different parts of the business, which is really good.

Rachel and I eventually started seeing one another. Rachel has some of the same traits I liked about Kelli – she speaks her mind, she’s easy to talk to, she’s gorgeous – without the negative traits. We make a good pair, because we’re equal parts of a couple. Right now, it’s just casual, but I can see it going somewhere eventually. There’s a lot of potential there.

With Rachel, I feel like I traded up.

Happily Yours,
Rob

Note from Alex: Thanks Rob. Now, it might be appropriate to write about what you could learn from the story… But instead, I want to ask you, what’s the lesson? Tell me in the comments! :-)

This guest post was provided by Dating Online, a website offering exclusive reviews of today’s popular dating websites. Dating Online also operates the blog: Dating Zen.

Image one, two and three.

“Maybe in the next post you can cover what to do/not to do when your ex does contact you. I’m in the boat right now and not sure what to make of this unexpected ‘how are you?’ from her.”

This was the comment on the last post 7 Ways to Stop Waiting For Your Ex to Text or Call left by my name brother Alex.

As I have already promised, I am going to listen even more to my readers, and well, here you go.

I have been standing in the exact same situation many times. Maybe I am not over her yet. Maybe I am kind of in the greyland. Maybe I have already moved on. Whatever my situation may be, the phone rings: it’s her.

She’s simply calling me up to hear how I am doing. She asks me how I have been.

The phone call can go in many directions, but in my experience most often it leads to a rather pleasant conversation. You strike up some old memories, laugh and underneath it all, there still lies some sexual tension.

When you hang up, you feel good. You may even have a slight smirk on your face. But then it hits you: what did it mean? And your mind starts to work on high velocity to process all these new thoughts.

What now?

Does she want to get back together? Did you say something wrong? And you also start to question whether you’re really over her or not. A call like that can really stir up your mind, and usually be pretty confusing when you start thinking about it.

In this post, I am going to give you some simple solutions to cope with these rather normal problems.

The advice that’s going to flow through the whole of the article is this: don’t think too much about it.

Overanalyzing

What many guys are prone to do is to overanalyze things. That’s our nature. The capability to analyze like that gives us many strengths and opportunities, but it also has it downsides. One of the most noticeable is that the energy you spend on analyzing, let’s just take the phone call as an example, is taken away from other activities in your life.

And when analyzing something, especially when it comes to an (ex) girlfriend, there’s a tendency to go way overboard with it. There comes a point where there’s just nothing more to add, and that’s the point where most guys go wrong.

They keep on thinking about it, even though there’s nothing more to think about!

You don’t have to be a scientist to understand why that’s not useful. As I said before, the energy you spend thinking about something is taken away from other tasks at hand.

This premise, that guys overanalyze stuff like ex’s contacting them again, is not to be taken lightly.

Because when there is nothing more to add, they will most likely, unconscious about it, make something up. And the most common thing to “make up” is the hope and belief that she wants to get back together.

This is where it gets tricky.

Getting back together?

Do you really want to get back together?

Ponder this question. Your first answer might be yes – that’s natural (also from a biological point of view). In your prehistoric brain, sex is goood. Sex makes babies. Babies make you pappa. Pappa is goood. Pappa means passing on genes!

You get the point.

But when you really give it some thought, what you most likely will come up with is that no, you don’t want to get back together. The reasons are not what important, the important thing is that you can actually feel, way down, that you’re not supposed to be with each other.

Everything happens for a reason

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and when life throws something hard at you, like heartbreak with an (ex) girlfriend, it’s an opportunity to grow. Whether it’s God or the Universe or whatever you call it who “throws it at you”, it’s an opportunity. It’s a help in direction, an unknown force lending you some help in choosing the right path.

Or maybe this force tells you that you have taken a dead end, and that you must go a few steps back to walk the new path.

I like this analogy, because it’s easy to understand, and it makes everything not only happen for a reason, but also for the greater good. It actually says that whatever happens, it’s for the best.

Fight or flee, it’s your choice

That doesn’t mean that you should blindly accept anything life or God throws at you – sometimes you need to fight.

And the only way to know when it’s right to fight is to listen. Listen to yourself; listen to your heart.

I know that I am threading on deep waters here, but I just thought that this simple advice can help some people, as it has helped me. Anyway, let’s get back to the concrete talk on how to respond and act when an ex girlfriend contacts you again.

It didn’t mean anything

I think that the most important thing you can focus on if you’re having thoughts about you and your ex again after a call, is that it didn’t mean anything.

Don’t try to figure out why she did it – you can’t. You will never know, and it really doesn’t matter.

The important thing is that it has no meaning; she could have had millions of reasons to contact you. Maybe she was struck by the thought that you were sick, maybe she missed you, maybe she felt alone or maybe she had an abundance of energy and had to use it on something… and the list goes on.

You see what we’re doing here? We’re overanalyzing things. And it doesn’t lead anywhere at all! It’s 100% unnecessary.

So I really want you to try to stop overanalyzing. Don’t force it; just tell yourself that your thoughts are just that – merely thoughts.

You are not your thoughts

You are not your brain or your thoughts, you are you. Nothing more, nothing less.

The actual conversation

As for the actual conversation, just be casual and friendly. Politely answer her questions and keep the conversation going, but don’t stay on it for too long, especially if you’re uncomfortable with the situation.

If the conversation drags on, simply tell her that you have to go. It was nice chatting – goodbye and have a good day.

It’s as easy as that.

And don’t start flirting too much, either. You don’t want to send the wrong signals, do you?

Here are 6 easy tips to handle your ex contacting you again:

• Be cool. It’s easier said than done, but do your best to keep your cool. Don’t be overexcited to hear from her, just be laidback about it. Relax!
• It didn’t mean anything. Don’t start overanalyzing. She called you, you talked, and that’s it.
• Move on. She most likely has.
• Don’t secretly wish that you’re going to get back together. You most likely won’t, and if you do, it will most likely fail. Really ask yourself why. Write it down, get it out.
• Learn. Everything is an opportunity to learn something about yourself. So is this. You’ll get some profound self-understanding if you keep your mind open to it.
• Be honest. This is my evergreen advice. Be honest with her, and be honest with yourself. Real honest. Not some bullshit “Maybe / I think” stuff, no. That doesn’t cut it.

That’s it guys.

If you have any questions at all, don’t hesitate for a second to contact me. Or write a comment. Or chime in on the forums. I would love to see you over there!

Let me hear your thoughts on the article below.

Stay Strong!

Photos by aphasiafilms and Grace.

I have done it many times: I and my girlfriend broke up, now she’s my ex, and I am kind of over her.

I still think about her, though, and somewhere, I still want her.

Not in the way of driving to her place with a bunch of flowers and confessing my love, no, it’s more like I hope that one day she’ll call me and tell me that she also still wants me.

There’s just one thing… The day never comes.

Being in that is place is what I call the “grey land”, and it’s a very dangerous place.

You’re not really sad anymore, but neither are you particularly happy. You just let life happen, and see what will come next. You could also call it drifting.

How do you know if you are in the grey land?

• You check your phone a little too often to see if there is a text message from her. You’re not totally conscious of it, though. You’re just checking your phone, right?
• You huff and puff of the thought of you too as a couple again, but deep down, you know that you are lying to yourself. You know that, even though you may want other girls, you still want her.
• You wind up thinking about her at the oddest times and letting her distract what you are doing. You might be shooting some hoops, while suddenly you feel that she’s nearby and you lose focus and you stop to look around. Or maybe you’re swimming, or fishing, and your meditation with the activity gets broken of and you have a hard time concentrating again.
• This may be the most common one: you’re kind of looking for her at venues where you know she sometimes goes. This is mostly true if you live (or lived) near each other. And when you secretly look for her, you feel a little ashamed and feel that it’s not quite right.
• And that actually counts for all the points: you feel a little ashamed for still wanting her. And that is exactly what we’ll work on today. There’s no idea in feeling shame; it’s a pretty useless emotion.

In reality, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It’s absolutely normal to still think about your ex from time to time, to look for her and to check your phone a little too often.

Where many men go wrong is just that they won’t admit it; neither to others or to themselves.

They end up pushing the feelings away, instead of embracing them.

They’re actually pushing away a part of themselves, and that’s a pretty dangerous thing to start doing. The next time you feel a little “out of your body”, check in to see if there’s something you haven’t accepted entirely – if there’s something you still don’t quite believe.

As I said, this issue is very common, so (again) don’t feel ashamed.

The first step is plainly to acknowledge and accept that yes, you still have some feelings for her. It’s okay!

At the same time, you also know that those feelings won’t last forever. They usually disappear (almost) entirely when you meet someone new, or simply when some time has passed. This may be tomorrow, this may be next week, or it might be in three months. No one knows – and it really doesn’t matter!

Because it’s easy living with your feelings, as long as you accept them. Good feelings and bad feelings; they’re all good! Because they are simply just that, feelings.

You can’t control your feelings directly

Feelings are beyond your direct control. So don’t think too much about it, just let them be, and be totally honesty about it.

You may never get entirely over your ex, but don’t let that scare you.

It doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to love again, you most certainly will. It just means that she meant a great deal to you, and that you will never forget her.

Yes, she may have been a bitch (especially when things ended between you two), but despite that, she was and is an incredible woman. And that fact should make you smile; you have been with an incredible woman!

So with a smile on our lips, let’s look at…

The 7 ways to stop waiting and hoping for your ex girlfriend to text or call you (and get out of the grey land)

• 1. Acknowledge your situation. This is hugely important, because if you don’t accept your feelings, the healing process will take a lot longer and you won’t gain as much insight as you would otherwise. So simply take some time to really understand your feelings, I encourage you to write it out.
• 2. Make simple rules for yourself. Checking your phone a lot is a common habit when you are in the grey land, but don’t let that scare you. Strength and willpower is all it takes to get over it. Make simple rules for yourself like, “only check the phone three times a day” or just don’t have it nearby all the time. Don’t be afraid to let it stay at home some days. It’s all about getting more unattached to that little device called a phone…
• 3. Don’t contact her. At all. The no contact rule means no contact; and I’ve heard the excuse before where guys say “what if she needs help” or similar – it just doesn’t cut it. She has friends and family, let them handle her now when you’re not together anymore.
• 4. Meet someone new. Don’t start dating if you feel that you aren’t ready, for some it may take some time (especially if you and your ex was together for a long time). It’s not fair to the new girl if you’re dating her just because you want to get over your ex: date her because you like to date, and you like her. If those two are in check, the healing process can really quicken up. When you meet someone new, you suddenly realize that your ex wasn’t as good as you maybe have idolized her to be – in other words, starting dating again can really bring things into perspective.
• 5. Give up hope and realize that it’s over. This more aggressive approach will work better for some than for others, but it certainly can work. Pinch yourself every time you catch yourself thinking about her, and say to yourself that it’s over.
• 6. Give it time. All healing takes time, and when it comes to love, it can take a lot of time. Give yourself all the time you need, and don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s totally normal to have problems getting over an ex, what many fail to realize is just that you tend to make it worse if you don’t accept it.
• 7. Accept and don’t suppress. So even though I’ve already said it, I say it again. Accept it. Accept all your feelings, and be very honesty with yourself. I can only guide you to the right road – it’s you who have to follow it. It’s your life, so live it on your terms. You are the master and the only one who’s in control. Use it.

My friend David Deida says that you should rather live with a heart in pain than a heart that is closed off, and I whole (heartedly) agree with him.

The whole idea of getting out of this grey land is that she’s a distraction to you, and distractions are seldom any good. As I have stated many times, it’s perfectly normal to still have thoughts about her from time to time, but when it becomes a problem and an annoyance, it’s time to take action.

It’s possible to become attached to the mere thought of her

Sometimes you grow attached to the thought of her, even though you don’t even want her. It’s like you create this image in your mind that everything will be perfect if you get back together.

It’s just that, in the relatively unlikely event that you actually do get back together, nothing will get fixed. Learn to enjoy your situation as it is right now instead. Be grateful for what you have!

It’s the road, guys, not the goal. Keep that in mind.

And while you’re at it, embrace pain, accept your losses, and move on. There’s a new day tomorrow!

See you soon guys.

Your friend in love and pain,
Alex Kay

Also, I think that you should check out the newly opened forum right here: The JKTC Café. Come on over and introduce yourself and let’s talk some sh*t! :-)

Image by cambiodefractal.

There are no rules when it comes to dating. Make up your own. Do what works for you. Don’t do what some dude on the internet tells you to do. Take it into consideration, and then take it from there. Got it? Good.

Although there are ‘no rules’, it is generally a good idea to follow some ideas and some principles. Here are 12 of them for your reading pleasure.

1. Be honest.

Now I know that this may not be what you expected. But I got to be honest with you – being honest is truly the best dating advice you will ever get.

Being honest, not only with her, but also with yourself, opens up so many gates and possibilities – you have no idea before you actually try it.

Being honest opens for expression. When you express yourself, truly, you open up a part of yourself. You show her the real you, and that’s vulnerable.

And it all leads to trust. Trust with a woman is one of the key ingredients to having a fulfilling relationship, no matter its nature. Whether you want a one night stand or a girlfriend, you need to have her trust.

So be honest, at all times. I wrote an article a while back which can be found here:
Start Being Brutally Honest with Yourself and Others. Also check out this recent article called Why Bohemian Painters are Sexy as Hell and How You Can Become That, Too, it’s all about expression.

2. Express your true feelings and desires.

This builds upon being honest; they compliment each other very well.

Again, this is not what most “pick up artists” would tell you, but tell her that she looks stunning, because damn! She’s a woman, and that is what she does best.

Not to say that women can’t do other things, I am a big believer in equal rights etc. All I am saying is that generally, women are fabulous, stunning, and the best creation on this planet.

So appreciate them, and TELL them! Compliment your woman, even if you have been together for 10, 20 or 30 years. Tell her that she looks just as hot as she did when you first met.

Tell her on the first dates that she looks gorgeous. Not in an insecure way to gain approval; no, tell her because you appreciate her beauty.

Some guys can pull of saying something like “I want you right now” when out on a date, and that’s fine. It’s just not me.

I would rather be suggestive with my eyes and general body language. Hold the eye contact a little longer than comfortable. Look her in her eyes, glance at her lips, and then back to the eyes. She’ll know what you mean (and want)…

3. Tell her with your body.

Again, this builds on the previous one.

Use your whole body to communicate, don’t rely just on your words. Your body is much better to get the message through ;-)

• Take her for a dance in the living room, women love to dance.
• Spin her around and give her a big kiss.
• Give her the warmest, biggest bear-hug ever.
• Massage her.
• Play with her hand and fingers.
• Tickle her.

These are just playful suggestions, use them or don’t. What is important here is to practice using your whole body instead of just your mouth.

A lot can be communicated with nothing but the eyes, really.

If you feel you could use some body-communication work, do this exercise called the “Silent Day”:

Go about your day as you normally would, do your shopping etc. But don’t say a word the whole day. This doesn’t work too well if you work at an office or go to school, so do it on a weekend.

By not saying a single word, you’ll be much more aware of your own gestures and body language.

4. Know how to kiss

As a female reader wrote me a couple of days ago:

” I am especially glad you emphasize how to kiss well, since this is very important to girls. It’s not uncommon for girls to avoid or dump an otherwise cool guy because he’s a bad kisser. Big, permanent turnoff.”

She said it best… But basically, a good or bad kiss can really make or break ‘the deal’. Check the articles on kissing already published on the site here:

• Kissing A Girl for The First Time – When and How?
• Be a Great Kisser – How To REALLY Kiss a Girl
• How To be The Perfect Kisser
• The 5 Most Common Kissing Mistakes Men Make
• 5 Tips on Kissing Passionately from 5 Women

I would also recommend signing up for the free dating newsletter at the bottom of this post; one of the first articles you will see in your inbox is a very good one on kissing!

5. Don’t take her crap and pass her tests

I wrote a whole post on it here: Dealing With Her Tests – How To Gain Instant Attraction

Women test men. It’s not strange, seriously, how would you go about knowing which one of the 20 guys that approaches you in a night is good enough for you?

Of course you would test them in some way. And not by simple interview questions like, let’s say, “are you honest and authentic?”, “are you confident?” or my personal favourite “are you good in bed?”

All men would just say yes. There is no real truth in that, it is much better for her to test for it in a more subtle way.

Subtle tests women use and how to handle them

It can be as easy as her seeing how you react if she starts talking about sex. She can also see how you treat other people when you’re out. It could be about a lot of stuff.

The best way to handle the tests is to be totally honest all along. Being yourself is a true and tested advice, so don’t go about reinventing the wheel.

That also means don’t hide your desires – be in charge, and don’t be ashamed.

It is often said that the one with the strongest reality “sucks” the other people in. When it comes to dating, use it like this: If you have the strongest “frame” (reality perception), she almost won’t have a choice with you; you’ll be in charge all along.

That means that if you’re really confident, you can do almost anything you want, whenever you want to. So just kiss her! Don’t hesitate if that’s what you want.

Being in charge of yourself like that is very sexy to women.

6. Be chivalrous in public, but an animal behind closed doors

Always open doors, walk on the outside of the curb etc.

If you take on the ‘male’ role like that, she’ll have an easier time feeling like a real woman. Don’t you just love that feminine radiance and glow?

But don’t carry the chivalry into the bedroom. “Can I assist you taking off that bra?”… not going to happen.

All over the place…

Be more of an animal instead. Wild, loose and all over the place.

Do some unexpected things. Kiss her like you never have before. Whisper in her ear. You get the picture.

Check out some of David Shade’s stuff if you’re interested in getting that part of your “game” handled, he’s really good. Follow the link and you’ll also find an interesting video…

7. Take good care of yourself.

Although women generally don’t get turned on by your looks as much as your personality, they care abot how you take care of yourself.

Any man can become sexy if he is well-groomed, has some well-fitted clothes, a healthy tan and a trained body.

Do what you can

So do what you can: Get your teeth fixed, eat more vegetables, spend some dollars on a pair of Levi’s, get outside and run… You’re a smart guy; you know what I’m talking about.

You don’t have to become the healthiest guy on the planet, just take baby steps to get there and show her that you care about yourself. And of course, it’s for your own sake first and foremost.

8. Don’t compromise yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t put her needs before yours.

Even if she says that she would like you to stay home instead of going out with the boys, that’s not what she wants deep down inside.

This presupposes that you told her a couple of days in advance, though, and that she is not sick, ill or in a mood where she really needs your company.

The anti-war climax

This is the same phenomenon taking place when she tells you that she don’t want you to leave for war when you are a soldier.

What she wants deep down is for you to follow your own path and goals and to always put those before her.

So even if you stay at home instead of doing what you really think you should do, you’ll compromise yourself, and in the long road it will be bad for you, for her, and for the both of you as a couple.

So remember this: Listen to yourself and let yourself be the one making the decisions. Take her words into consideration, she may have something useful to add, but always decide for yourself.

This can also be in a small scene like choosing which restaurant to eat at. So keep it in mind. Be in charge!

9. Don’t become clingy and needy

What all women want is a man who is strong, confident and independent. No one wants a wuss boy who clearly sets her needs before his own. It’s just wrong.

So don’t call her all the time. Don’t bring flowers on every date.

Instead, be more of a challenge. Be a little mysterious. Be sexy!

Check out the post I wrote a while ago titled Why Gifts and Flowers don’t work for Creating Attraction – Only for Amplifying it.

Here’s a small excerpt from that article:

“See, I thought that by giving a woman gifts, she would like me more. She would think that I was generous, sweet, and all these words that I linked to gaining a woman’s love.

But instead, the complete opposite happened. On the outside, she would become happy. She would hug me, smile, and say thanks.

On the inside, she was hugely disappointed. I killed the attraction. All women basically want to be attracted to you. They want to fall in love. They want to have amazing relationships.”

Also read the hugely popular post Why Bad Boys get all the Hot Women, and Nice Guys don’t even get close, I think you will learn a thing or two.

Basically what that article boils down to is this:

The balance between bad boy and nice guy looks something like this:

• You are dominant without being domineering.
• You are masculine without being macho.
• You are forthright and trustworthy.
• You are considerate without being placating.
• You are strong yet gentle.
• You are mysterious without being deceiving.
• You are exciting without being reckless.
• You are sexually exciting in the bedroom and a gentleman in the living room.

If interested, read some of the comments on that post. They’re good!

10. Have a powerful voice

Having a powerful voice is often underestimated when it comes to dating and life in general.

It is our first, foremost and most direct communicator, so wouldn’t it make sense to improve it?

In the article How To Use Your Voice to Project More Confidence, I share some tips to strengthen your authority while speaking:

• In the article mentioned above, scroll down for some specific voice training exercises. They will help you get a fuller, deeper (sexier!) voice.
• Speak with confidence (know what you are talking about).
• Only say something when you have something to say.
• Speak slow, have the confidence in yourself that people will still listen to you even if you add small pauses, and…
• Pronounce every word. No mumbling!
• Use hand gestures to enhance what you are saying.
• Stand straight (have good posture)
• Talk louder. Most people would benefit from this; just don’t become obnoxious in any way. Talk loud enough for everybody to hear you.
• Be a better breather. This is alpha-omega to speaking powerfully, so check out the article on breathing here: Start Breathing When It Matters The Most and Get More.

11. Move with purpose and confidence

The way you carry yourself says a lot about you. And even though you may not be aware of it, she notices.

The way you use your hands when you talk, the way you look at her and others, the way you walk, the way you sit… She notices and interprets it all.

Instead of working on all the details, like holding your drink just right, focus on the big thing instead: Be yourself and be proud.

This translates to being confident in ‘date talk’. A confident person will always move and carry himself just right.

While working on getting more confident, there are a couple of body language tips that apply pretty generally:

• Take up space. Spread your legs and reach out with the arms. A non-confident person will always try to fill as little space as possible because he does not feel worthy. But you are worthy! So take up all the space you need. That doesn’t mean you have to be rude, though.
• Hold eye contact. Breaking eye contact is a typical weakness indicator. Try to look the person in the left eye while talking, for him or her it will more intense, and for you it’s easier to hold the focus than looking into both eyes. Experiment a little to see what fits you, but for god’s sake, hold the eye contact!
• Carry yourself tall and with good posture. You have probably already heard it a thousand times. Another one doesn’t damage you: Stand tall! Shoulders back! Chest up! Slouching makes you look very unattractive, so just avoid it altogether. It’s bad for your back and general health, too. Practice by standing with a book on top of your head, or by aligning the back of your head, your shoulders and your butt up a plain wall. That’s pretty good posture. I know it’s tedious to walk around like that all day, but you just have to build the habit, and soon it won’t be tough at all. Or well, at least not as tough. Actually, why don’t you start right now? Sit up. Shoulders back. Head high. Just do it. Now! :-)

12. Accept, let go and move on

I got to be tough with you here: It won’t last. 99% of all relationships fail, that’s a fact and a part of life. But instead of seeing it as a failure, learn to see it as an accomplishment. Learn to look at all you gained and learned, and suddenly it won’t be as bad to break up with someone.

Sure, you’ll feel sad. I do too; it’s completely normal. Learn to accept that too.

Give yourself the time you need to move on, but be sure never to stall. If you get dumped, don’t dwell on it. Truth is, there is not much you can do about it anyway.

If you need help getting over your ex girlfriend, the post How To Get Over Your Ex Girlfriend should be of assistance as well as over 900 (yes, 900!) comments.

I would actually go to the length of saying that this is the most important “rule” on this entire list. Learn to accept, let go and move on.

That cute girl didn’t call you back? Call her again the next day, and then let it go. Seriously, she’s not worth your time! That girl you met at the grocery store didn’t seem as friendly when you met again as the first time? That’s her problem, not yours!

If you just work on yourself, don’t dwell on the small details. You are doing everything right.

Get the mindset that basically, it’s their loss. You offered what you had, and they declined. Too bad! You do not want to be with a girl who doesn’t like you, anyway.

Here’s a post I wrote a while back on accepting yourself and letting go: Accept Yourself: How To Let Go of Bad Emotions and Feelings. As always, check out the comments.

Conclusion

That is all from me this time, I hope you learned a thing or two.

The 12 things were the following: Be honest, express your true feelings and desires, tell her with your body, know how to kiss, don’t take her crap and pass her tests, be chivalrous in public but an animal behind closed doors, take good care of yourself, don’t compromise yourself, don’t become clingy and needy, have a powerful voice, move with purpose and confidence and last but not least accept, let go and move on.

As always, I would very much like to hear your thoughts in the comments. Do you have some additional advice? Some critique? Make sure to let me (and everybody else) know.

Also make sure to also sign up for the free dating newsletter, it’s getting pretty popular :-)

Thanks for readings this far!

/Alex over and out.

Thanks to the lovely photographers ..Muha, Prabhu B, Cuellar, Mumbley Joe, Kiwêhowin, Lujaz, Visualpanic, Mortimer and Immagina.

Note from Alex: This is a guest post from Jamie. If you’ve been a follower of the How To Get Over Your Ex Girlfriend comments (450+ and counting!), you know who he is.

I think that this is an excellent article laying out a lot of important principles for doing just that – getting over your ex. I’ll now give the word to Jamie. Warning: Contains foul language. Yeah!

Thanks Alex!

I believe this is an excellent blast to all the guys out there who are thinking they’d like to stay “friends” with the girl who dumped them.

The flow of the piece is this:

1. You can’t be friends.
2. You MUST neutralize the girl’s power over you.
3. The most effective way to neutralize the power is a clinical approach that is based in large part on the “No Contact Rule”.
4. What are some of the practical tactics that are involved.
5. You’ll be better off for having taken these steps.

You could write a PhD dissertation about the no contact rule and getting over a girl. This, however, is designed to be a quick read that hopefully will give men (read: you!) a fast-acting shot of empathy and momentary strength from realizing that what they are experiencing is something experienced by mankind as a collective and therefore not insurmountable. Phew. Lets get on with it!

Post-break-up friendship with your ex: DON’T

In the immediate aftermath of a break-up, and especially when you’ve been the one to be dumped, it is im-f*cking-possible to remain friends with the woman who grenaded your heart – even if you have months and months (or years and years) invested in her.

While powerful, the desire to remain friends is knee-jerk reaction to your own fear of being alone, and to internal weakness and insecurity – which may be temporary – but that you still need to address.

HOWEVER, it is VITALLY important that you always maintain cordial relationships (if not friendships) with as many women as possible! B/c while the bar/club scene is nice, other women can be a rich feeder source for possible date material – and I mean dates w/ girls who you would actually bring home to mom, and not just bang…

Neutralize her power over you

Another thing to consider: the goal after being dumped is not so much to “forget” the ex as it is to neutralize her power over you.

The irony is that whatever power she has is only there because you give it to her by virtue of having made a mental leap in reconceptualizing your life as now only being able to exist if your ex is part of it.

Any human being should ALWAYS be engaged in a continual process of self-development and cultivation, so that you can be your best.

When you limit your insecurities by excelling at school or sport or in your career, you 1) become less needy and 2) become a much better partner for a woman who might actually deserve you.

The NO contact rule

Nonetheless, when you’re in the shit – like many of us are – and trying to get over an ex, you must be clinical and disciplined in your approach and have no contact whatsoever for some minimum period.

If you just texted her or checked her FaceBook or drunk dialed – that’s fine. It’s normal. It’s what we do. But right now, from this second, commit to not seeking her out in person or virtually for at least 24 hours.

And after those 24 hours pass, commit to another day; and another; and another.

If you’re mentally obsessing over her, every time you start focusing on her FORCE yourself to shift to something else.

Have discipline

Watching TV is not a very good distraction – reading a book is better. But hitting the gym or going for a run or skydiving is a lot more effective – because you shut down the part of your subconscious that obsesses over her – if only for 30min or an hour – and you get some peace.

A relapse is never far away, even after weeks or months – which is why you have to be clinical and disciplined. Delete her from your FaceBook and MySpace. Delete her from your mobile. If you have her contact details stored in your address book – delete them from there, too.

Yes, we KNOW that you feel like you’re dead without her and that you are physically hurting even – it is what it is.

But you have two choices – either be consumed by the hurt and pain and rendered totally impotent, or commit to putting into practice some of the advice given here with the expectation that if you can do the work, one day you’ll find tranquillity and return to equilibrium.

You’ll get through – and get better

And then the next time you become emotionally intimate with a woman, hopefully you have a more sophisticated perspective and will be better aware of what’s happening in the relationship on a daily basis.

Last thing – even though I said delete her from your FaceBook and MySpace and phone, etc., that (for me) is only so you can’t be an idiot and actually call or text her when you crack and your resolve momentarily weakens.

Don’t completely destroy the memory of her

If you were in a relationship for any significant amount of time, that person is always going to have been part of your life, and you can’t obliterate the memory of her as if you were firebombing Germany. It just doesn’t work.

You want to end up with just a black hole in your psyche for the time you were with her? Take all the “stuff” she gave you or that reminds you of her and put it in a box or boxes or whatever and get it out of your physical space.

I don’t think you need to throw it away (but then I’m a little sentimental), and you can save her contact information on a CD that you throw in the box as well; when you’re old a worn-out it’s actually nice to have mementos from the past as they become tangible reminders or triggers of memory from years gone by.

But when you’re knee-deep in hurt and pain and misery, lock that shit away as if it was radioactive. Because in a sense it is – you need to be a technician and shut down your irrationality and reptilian-response to wanting to get back with a chick who dumped you, devalued you, broke your heart, cast you aside…

And someday you’ll have gone through enough misery and suffering that her power over you will be neutralized and you’ll have a better understanding of not just your limits, but your strengths as a person. And your next relationship will be all the better for it.

Back to Alex:

Hope you enjoyed it guys! As always, comments are highly appreciated. What do you think? Girls are also more than welcome to join in :-)

Lots of great images this time. First one by thisisawakeupcall. Second one by jasoneppink. Third one by Thomas Hawk. Last one by .ash. All beautiful, thanks!

As always, please do grab the FREE DATING TIPS by EMAIL or RSS. No spam, no ham. Just posts when they arrive!

This is the number one question I get asked most of the time – right after the question on how to win her back.

And it’s difficult to answer. How do you get over your ex girlfriend?

I guess that we have all been there at some point in our lives.

Relationship starts. Everything’s good. Suddenly, everything isn’t so good. And you break up. That’s life!

I have had my share of it, so I speak from experience here.

You have probably shared lots of good times, and now it’s gone.

No more holding hands, no more crawling in close when it’s cold outside, no more kisses under the moonlight, no more anything.

For some it’s easier to accept than others. But I don’t think anyone like breaking up.

For the first few days, after realizing the truth, you feel pretty awful. This is definitely the worst part of a break up, and also the part that defines your emotions for the next couple of weeks.

So how do you go about handling a break up?

As thoughts are really hard to control, I’ll give you a “timeline” for your emotions.

I know it might sound a little strange, but it’s how I personally handle the break up, and for that reason, I figure it might be useful for some people.

Here we go:

The first few days I cry my heart out. I let out all of my negative feelings, and do almost nothing more all day than to “think about her”. Whenever I try to slip in a positive thought, I’ll disregard it right away. It’s my privelege to be sad just a few days a year, I’ll explain why later on.

What’s really important in this phase is that you don’t talk to anyone about the break up. At least not more than something like “we’re not together anymore”.

Another really important thing to do is to stop listening to love songs. At this point, you will most likely identify with them, and I know from experience that this can really f**k up your emotions later on.

So just let yourself be as sad as you can, without talking to anyone, and without getting feelings from anyone else than yourself.

Afterwards, if you have followed my advice, you should almost be sick thinking about her. 3 days might not be a long time in a calendar, but in your head, it will almost feel like it’s ages ago you broke up.

You will start realizing that she wasn’t “the one” for you, and that you have your whole life waiting, along with millions of cute girls.

Over the next few weeks, you might have some reoccurring thoughts about her. That’s fine. As long as you realize how bad she was for you, and that you’re not going to get back together.

I think this is the part most guys do wrong. They keep thinking they can get back together, and this makes it incredibly hard to move on.

For a couple of days, try to just “get on with it”. Don’t spend time thinking about her, just live your life like you always have.

After a week or two, you’ll see that you do fantastic without her. You might not be completely “over her”, but you’re definitely on the right path to getting so.

Personally, after about 2-3 weeks, I completely stop thinking about her. Well, not completely, she’s still “my ex”, but I’m by no means sad about the fact that we’re not together anymore.

Soon, I’ll meet another girl, twice as nice, and it’s all uphill from here with happiness. Until we break up.

Life’s strange isn’t it?

General tips on handling the break up

• Stop stroking the banana fantasizing about her. It’s just wrong… AND it tightens your emotional bonds to her. Not good man!
• You’d be amazed what kissing a new girl can do. Start meeting new people as soon as possible.
• Accept that she wasn’t the one. She was just a girl, whatever your brain might tell you. You have a “her” hole in your stomach right now, and you probably think that only she can fill it. But what the hole really is is just a woman shaped hole, and any women can fill it.
• Take control of the situation. Don’t let her define your feelings, only you can do that.
• Start living again. After feeling down for a few days, a week, or maybe more, start living again. If you have always wanted to start playing tennis, now is the time to do it. Or start playing guitar, or start painting. Anything will work, just gain some kind of new passion, or relive an old one.

Why it’s important to be sad at first

This might not work for everyone, but I can only conclude stuff from my own experience, so that’s what I’m going to do.

The reason I choose to be sad at first, is to take control. It’s my choice to cry, she has nothing to do with it. Not directly, anyway.

In my opinion it’s really bad to try to run from your feelings, because you will feel sad. Best just to admit it and let it out.

After those few days, you will also realize that someone that made you so sad, wasn’t right for you. This is also important.

So now to wrap it up, I would like to know one thing.

How do you get over an ex girlfriend / handle a break up?

Let’s start a discussion here!

UPDATE: There are A LOT of comments on this post. A lot of them includes fantastic tips for getting over your girl. I highly recommend reading as many as you can to get a general feel.

Something that has helped a lot of guys here is to simple get on with your life. START HERE. Download the EBOOK REVIEWED HERE.

And as always, contact me for personal advice.

Interested in more tips on dating and relationships? Subscribe for free to my RSS Feed to get them before your neightbour!

Lovely images by lizzie vengeance.

Iestyn wants to win back his ex-girlfriend. She has been starting to get in touch with him again after 5 months, but he’s unsure about how to go about it.

“Hey Alex! I’ve just come across your fantastic blog; all your advice so far has been great! I was wondering if you’ve got any advice for a man who really wants his ex-girlfriend back. We broke up about 5 months ago now, and just recently she’s been getting in touch with me, and I’m not too sure how to handle it, as I don’t want to drive her away again, as I would do anything to have a second chance with her.” Thanks man – Iestyn.

Hey Iestyn, I think what you have here is a very common scenario. Man chases woman, woman flees and woman comes back. Put that on repeat, and I think we’ve got your problem covered.

You need to eliminate one link of the chain. You need to stop “chasing” her. Not meant physically, although it could be, I mean in the way you think about her.

You say that you would “do anything to have a second chance with her”. Why is that?

Don’t be desperate

If you don’t have any choices when it comes to women, it automatically makes you desperate. And I think that this is the real issue. If you had more choices, you wouldn’t worry about your ex-girlfriend from almost half a year ago.

Sure, you would think about her sometimes. Be glad for all the good things you had together. But you would also have moved on with your life, de-attaching yourself.

Ask her out

The way you should handle her getting back in touch should be just like if it was an old friend. Be laidback, you couldn’t care less what she thinks about you! Maybe talk about some good old times, and be genuinely interested in her life.

Set up a “date”, and say that you want to catch up with her. If she’s the one contacting you, I can’t see why she wouldn’t say yes to this.

When on the date, as I always preach, have fun. Lots of fun. Sitting in a restaurant talking about her new job is boring. Going to an amusement park while talking about why Britney Spears cut of all her hair is so much better. Or, well at least you’re not talking about her job.

Since your ex was originally attracted to you, there’s a good chance that you can re-attract her. Just remember what she liked about you when you were together. There’s a good chance that it was because you made her laugh and made her feel good.

Do that again!

The mentality

As I said before, be laidback and confident. You have a new life, and she can be a part of it again. But you don’t need her. Not at all!

If you have this mentality, I can almost guarantee you that she will be crawling back to you.

Few things are less attractive to women than men living their own lives, by their own premises. Keep this in mind.

Good luck Iestyn, and be sure to report back with your results!

Image by petecarr