This post includes the answer to what you absolutely must have to have success with women, and an Astroglide giveaway at the end. Dig in!

There is this one thing that every guy out there has to know to have success with women. Not only is it needed for success – it is also the only real measure of it.

You have to know what you want.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? So did I think at first when I sat around wondering what advice I could give that would actually help. But then I pondered it a bit more. Knowing what you want… It’s the premise for getting anything you want, is it not?

To get what you want, you have to know it first. Otherwise you cannot tell whether or not you wanted it in the first place, right?

Sure, there are exceptions. I could walk out and find a lottery coupon on the street and win a million dollars and have a big fucking smile on my face, without ever having wanted to win the lottery.

Real success

But that’s not real success, anyway. Real success to me is working towards something, learning on the way, and then getting some kind of result. The result could be dissapointing, best example being not hitting it home with a girl, but if you grew in the process I would still call it a success.

Sure, perhaps a bigger one if it actually went real good with this cute girl. But hey, we also learn from our mistakes.

So I know that this is not a long post today folks, but I just really wanted to get it out there. Know what you want. Really know what you want. It is not easy, and it takes more than a few seconds to figure out. Be honest with yourself.

Some of us will never really know, but that is a part of the journey, too.

Don’t just do stuff because it is what you are supposed to do. Think it over. Search deep. Real deep in some cases.

Know what you want, and then go out and get it.

Giveaway:

I am giving away, on behalf of Astroglide, a few things to a lucky reader this week.

Here’s the package:

- 3 Astroglide Products (Astroglide original, Astroglide X Silicone, and Gel)
- Black Astroglide Research and Development T-shirt
- Astroglide Mint Tins
- 1 deck of “Your Ace in the Hole” playing cards

I’ll contact the winner, and all I need is the size of the t-shirt and an address.

Astroglide makes great products. They are also highly endorsed by David Shade. Let’s see who will be the lucky one!

Be good,
Alex

Image by Alessio Disalvo.

Sometimes you sit and wonder whether or not you did the right thing in a given situation. If you find yourself in this position often, the following five minutes of your time will be well spent. In this article, I will examine the question: ”what is the right decision?”

My philosophy on the subject is actually quite simple. The right decision will always be the one that you made. Let me explain.

With every decision we make, both small and big, we guide our lives in a new direction. I am a big believer in chaos-theory, and therefore think that even just a small movement or a few words can change your fate drastically.

When you decide that you want to go for a walk, instead of let’s just say watch the game on television, you change your fate and with that you also change a lot of other people’s lives (in some way).

The deserted island

The way I see it, this even applies if you’re all alone on a deserted island. Perhaps, if you decide to go to the left to find food instead of the right, you wake up a bird who wouldn’t have woke up if you had just gone to the right. This bird then flies to a city and takes a dump on a man who is just crossing the street. He gets distracted by the sudden icky feeling on his head, and doesn’t see that a truck is driving straight against him. Bam, traffic accident. Which then leads to another thousand things. I think you get my point.

Now, you might ask yourself how I can tell that little story, and still say that every decision made was the right decision. Just hear me out, it will become crystal-clear in just a second.

It’s all for the greater good

In my world, everything, both good and bad, happens for the greater good. I am a firm believer in that, even when something supposedly bad happens to you, it was meant to all along and happened because of a series of choices you made. Those choices were all, just as all choices in general are, the best you could muster with your given resources at the time. So when you stand in this bad situation now, it is your own fault. Completely. You bear full responsibility.

New possibilities

But that does not mean that your bad situation really is that bad. I think that everything works out the way that it is supposed to in the end. With every new bad situation, a new path opens up with new possibilities. When you get fired, you are available for a new position. I am not saying that it is all good when something terrible happens – not at all. But it is not all bad either.

When a person close to you dies, or you get fired, or get dumped, or fails a test, or whatever, I see it as if you are given new opportunities to make your life, and the lives of others, as amazing as you possibly can.

Before we start putting this into practice, let us examine the philosophy behind my words just a little bit closer.

The philosophy behind

I don’t know whether or not god exists. I think that this ’choice’ is up to every individual. But I believe that there is a higher power. You can call it god, you can call it energy, you can call it karma, you can call it whatever you want. But it rewards effort, good intentions and hard work. That’s what I believe.

When you decide to pick up some trash from the ground and throw it out in a nearby trash can, you made the right decision. You opened up for just a little more charity in your own life by giving it first.

If you decided not to pick up the trash, you still made the right decision. It might not lead to better things in your life and in the lives of those around you immediately, but in the end, it will have helped you on the right path in some way still.

And that’s why you made the right decision, always, because there is no real right or wrong. There is only what you did – that is all that will be remembered.

To step out of the mumbo jumbo and become realistic, I honestly do not really think that ’something’ watches over us and defines our destiny and rewards us for doing good etc.

But. And this is a big but, because it is here it all gets tied together. It helps me. I only think this way because it is optimal for me and my way of living. Not to sound too cynical, but I do not really care whether or not god exists. It doesn’t matter. What I care about is results.

Results results results

That is all I can use. I am egoistic and put myself first. But with this philosophy in the back pocket, it does not mean that I can’t put other people’s wants and needs before my own. This is because I belive that it goes back to me in the end anyway, and hey, the feeling of helping people genuinely is a good feeling too.

When you get down to it, it is a much better feeling than standing on the top of the world with a lot of money and power and all of those things… But all alone at the same time. It is all ego. You can never open up to love if you don’t give it.

But you can live egoistically, and still not live through your ego.

You made the right decision

I did it again. I got off-track. But that’s just how it is – when I start writing, the ideas flow out. I rarely edit, and I don’t give what I write much thought.

But to recap: you made the right decision. It doesn’t matter if your decision caused death and destruction, because when it all goes down, it was just a small thing leading to everything becoming what it is. It is not right or wrong, it just is.

There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Just accept your decision with all of your heart and see it for what it is.

To quit the mumbo jumbo again real quick and put it into practice, I don’t care if this philosophy is real or right or anything. I just care about me, my happiness and my results.

One thing less to worry about

Not having doubt about whether or not you made the right decision frees up a lot of things in your life. At least, you have one thing less to worry about. When you have absolutely no regrets, you can live your life free and with full vigor.

On a closing side-note, decisions you made which had bad consequences are good decisions anyway because there is an opportunity for you to learn something.

Always stride for your best and be as strong as possible. Open up and be honest. Accept whatever happens for what it is, learn from it, and move on.

Thanks for reading,
Alex Kay

First image by KhayaL. Second and Third image by Anna.

This post contains two tips for you to become much more peaceful in your everyday life. Apply them as you see fit, and watch your professional and social life bloom over the next few weeks.

If you’re used to being all stressed out over work, a girl etc., these tips will hopefully help you take some of that burden off your shoulders.

More mindfulness, peace and acceptance in your life will almost immediately reduce the overall stress you feel. It will help you to focus on the things that will really improve the quality of your life.

My first and most important tip is to…

Detach yourself from the outcome

This is definitely one of the harder ones to apply, but it is also something that can really change your life in a damn positive way. Primarily it’s about realizing that you do not have control over everything in your life. Yeah, you can always do your best, but sometimes, you just don’t have a say.

One of the things that will bring you the most stress in your life is to attach yourself to the outcome of things too much, and then blame yourself if it doesn’t go as well as it could have gone. This is not to say that you shouldn’t take responsibility for your actions, or shouldn’t try to correct things that have gone wrong. Definitely not. It’s about not caring too much about it and putting too much emotional energy into it.

Abundance instead of scarcity
The best way to do this is to come, or to act like you come, from a mindset of abundance. Let me give you an example: Let’s say that you invested 200 dollars in stocks. The firm you invested in goes bankrupt a couple of days later, and you lose your money. Boo-hoo. Two choices: either you cry about it and get angry etc., or you brush it off yourself just like if it was nothing but pennies to you (even if it weren’t!)

Now you should know that I am all for accepting your own feelings and ‘crying it out’ if you need to etc., but I have to say that in most cases, the ‘best case’ would be if you didn’t have a need to cry at all. And in most cases, you actually don’t. In the example, the investor most likely knew about the risks involved in his investment. And if he didn’t, he didn’t do his homework well enough. Either way, he should learn something from it. What he shouldn’t do is to let it get to him in a negative way. If he does, it can open the door to a lot of shit.

And now I know that we’re going quite deep, but of course, it would be best if you didn’t have a door at all holding back all your shit. But the reality is that most of us have. The optimal situation is by far to have ‘your shit together’ and not have anything negative suppressed in the back of your mind at all. To achieve this you will need to do a lot of soul searching, and hey, even though I think it would be a great idea, it’s just not very attainable for most of us mere mortals who deal with a day job and things to do. In the end though, it should be some kind of goal to be absolutely clear about your past experiences and have let them all go and accepted them in full.

SO…

To jump back on track, let me give you the second tip.

Do things that require you to put in an effort

This may not be logical at first, but let me explain what I mean. In my opinion, one of the best ways to clear yourself from something negative is to do stuff. And not to distract yourself, no, it’s to change your mental focus. Sometimes you get stuck in a mental loop about something, let’s say thoughts about an ex girlfriend, and the best way to get out of it is to snap out of it and do something productive. For me, something productive is something that will help you in the long term. A great example is a workout.

Ever felt ‘cleansed’ after doing something that really required you to give yourself completely? Most likely you have. It almost feels like you sweated a part of the negative experience of yourself.

Get into a super focused state of mind
Whatever gets you into a super focused state of mind will work, it doesn’t necessarily have to be productive (that’s just a plus). It could be to go to a concert and just really rock out. It could be to be fully submerged in a good book. It could be to have a really long conversation with your dad. It could be to paint a picture. It’s just about re-focusing your focus. And in my opinion, it is done best when you’re in that state of mind where nothing can slip under the radar and destroy your concentration.

Two extreme examples are bungee-jumping (how can you think about losing 200 dollars in stocks where you approaching the deadly ground with 99999 miles an hour?! ARGGHH!!!!) or driving a sports motorcycle on a track allowing you to go as fast as possible (this will require loooots of effort, I know it’s a random example but it brings my point forward. Pretty hard to think about your damn ex girlfriend when you could spin out or fuck up anytime if you don’t concentrate enough!) So basically, snap yourself out of it by doing something. Preferably productive. Boom!

So that’s it. Two things that work. Detach yourself from the outcome, and do things that require you to put in some effort. Give ‘em a try.

And it would be cool if you would let me know what works for you in the comments.

Thanks for reading!

Images by Mr. Punto and Achmed Amir.

“Maybe in the next post you can cover what to do/not to do when your ex does contact you. I’m in the boat right now and not sure what to make of this unexpected ‘how are you?’ from her.”

This was the comment on the last post 7 Ways to Stop Waiting For Your Ex to Text or Call left by my name brother Alex.

As I have already promised, I am going to listen even more to my readers, and well, here you go.

I have been standing in the exact same situation many times. Maybe I am not over her yet. Maybe I am kind of in the greyland. Maybe I have already moved on. Whatever my situation may be, the phone rings: it’s her.

She’s simply calling me up to hear how I am doing. She asks me how I have been.

The phone call can go in many directions, but in my experience most often it leads to a rather pleasant conversation. You strike up some old memories, laugh and underneath it all, there still lies some sexual tension.

When you hang up, you feel good. You may even have a slight smirk on your face. But then it hits you: what did it mean? And your mind starts to work on high velocity to process all these new thoughts.

What now?

Does she want to get back together? Did you say something wrong? And you also start to question whether you’re really over her or not. A call like that can really stir up your mind, and usually be pretty confusing when you start thinking about it.

In this post, I am going to give you some simple solutions to cope with these rather normal problems.

The advice that’s going to flow through the whole of the article is this: don’t think too much about it.

Overanalyzing

What many guys are prone to do is to overanalyze things. That’s our nature. The capability to analyze like that gives us many strengths and opportunities, but it also has it downsides. One of the most noticeable is that the energy you spend on analyzing, let’s just take the phone call as an example, is taken away from other activities in your life.

And when analyzing something, especially when it comes to an (ex) girlfriend, there’s a tendency to go way overboard with it. There comes a point where there’s just nothing more to add, and that’s the point where most guys go wrong.

They keep on thinking about it, even though there’s nothing more to think about!

You don’t have to be a scientist to understand why that’s not useful. As I said before, the energy you spend thinking about something is taken away from other tasks at hand.

This premise, that guys overanalyze stuff like ex’s contacting them again, is not to be taken lightly.

Because when there is nothing more to add, they will most likely, unconscious about it, make something up. And the most common thing to “make up” is the hope and belief that she wants to get back together.

This is where it gets tricky.

Getting back together?

Do you really want to get back together?

Ponder this question. Your first answer might be yes – that’s natural (also from a biological point of view). In your prehistoric brain, sex is goood. Sex makes babies. Babies make you pappa. Pappa is goood. Pappa means passing on genes!

You get the point.

But when you really give it some thought, what you most likely will come up with is that no, you don’t want to get back together. The reasons are not what important, the important thing is that you can actually feel, way down, that you’re not supposed to be with each other.

Everything happens for a reason

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and when life throws something hard at you, like heartbreak with an (ex) girlfriend, it’s an opportunity to grow. Whether it’s God or the Universe or whatever you call it who “throws it at you”, it’s an opportunity. It’s a help in direction, an unknown force lending you some help in choosing the right path.

Or maybe this force tells you that you have taken a dead end, and that you must go a few steps back to walk the new path.

I like this analogy, because it’s easy to understand, and it makes everything not only happen for a reason, but also for the greater good. It actually says that whatever happens, it’s for the best.

Fight or flee, it’s your choice

That doesn’t mean that you should blindly accept anything life or God throws at you – sometimes you need to fight.

And the only way to know when it’s right to fight is to listen. Listen to yourself; listen to your heart.

I know that I am threading on deep waters here, but I just thought that this simple advice can help some people, as it has helped me. Anyway, let’s get back to the concrete talk on how to respond and act when an ex girlfriend contacts you again.

It didn’t mean anything

I think that the most important thing you can focus on if you’re having thoughts about you and your ex again after a call, is that it didn’t mean anything.

Don’t try to figure out why she did it – you can’t. You will never know, and it really doesn’t matter.

The important thing is that it has no meaning; she could have had millions of reasons to contact you. Maybe she was struck by the thought that you were sick, maybe she missed you, maybe she felt alone or maybe she had an abundance of energy and had to use it on something… and the list goes on.

You see what we’re doing here? We’re overanalyzing things. And it doesn’t lead anywhere at all! It’s 100% unnecessary.

So I really want you to try to stop overanalyzing. Don’t force it; just tell yourself that your thoughts are just that – merely thoughts.

You are not your thoughts

You are not your brain or your thoughts, you are you. Nothing more, nothing less.

The actual conversation

As for the actual conversation, just be casual and friendly. Politely answer her questions and keep the conversation going, but don’t stay on it for too long, especially if you’re uncomfortable with the situation.

If the conversation drags on, simply tell her that you have to go. It was nice chatting – goodbye and have a good day.

It’s as easy as that.

And don’t start flirting too much, either. You don’t want to send the wrong signals, do you?

Here are 6 easy tips to handle your ex contacting you again:

• Be cool. It’s easier said than done, but do your best to keep your cool. Don’t be overexcited to hear from her, just be laidback about it. Relax!
• It didn’t mean anything. Don’t start overanalyzing. She called you, you talked, and that’s it.
• Move on. She most likely has.
• Don’t secretly wish that you’re going to get back together. You most likely won’t, and if you do, it will most likely fail. Really ask yourself why. Write it down, get it out.
• Learn. Everything is an opportunity to learn something about yourself. So is this. You’ll get some profound self-understanding if you keep your mind open to it.
• Be honest. This is my evergreen advice. Be honest with her, and be honest with yourself. Real honest. Not some bullshit “Maybe / I think” stuff, no. That doesn’t cut it.

That’s it guys.

If you have any questions at all, don’t hesitate for a second to contact me. Or write a comment. Or chime in on the forums. I would love to see you over there!

Let me hear your thoughts on the article below.

Stay Strong!

Photos by aphasiafilms and Grace.

Note from Alex: Hey Guys, this is a guest post from Alex Strandberg over at Inner Game Reframe, and a pretty good one indeed. Read it, and go check his site out! Alex, they’re all yours…

Hello Just Keep The Change readers! Thanks for stopping by, and thank you Alex for lending me some writing space over here. Let’s get down to business, shall we?

This post is basically about how to go about this whole self-improvement thing. It is about some of the same issues as the last post here, so you might want to also check that one out.

Self-improvement is about improvement, and deep down, happiness. Many people set goals, and that’s great. But…

Know your goals and forget them along the way

Far too often we set goals only to end up feeling worse off than we were before. We read an article or a book and get over excited about making critical changes in ourselves but some times we get too excited.

Passion to reach a goal is an amazing thing to have but attachment to the goal is not. When we create attachment to reaching the end point we are met with frustration and anguish.

Attachment to building the perfect body or sleeping with x number of girls makes people very future oriented. It’s never about enjoying the present moment but more about waiting in anticipation for what is to come.

Are you there yet?

It’s similar to when you were a kid going on a long trip to your grand mother’s house. It was unbearable sitting in the back seat and the only words to come out of your mouth were “are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

Future oriented people are never satisfied until they reach their goal. They will never feel happy until they reach the top or achieve what they set out to accomplish.

Over time a future oriented person will become addicted to self improvement. Always trying to improve but never satisfied with themselves.

There will always be things that can be improved

The problem with this is that there will always be things you can improve on. Your life with end with a list of achievements but your mind will still be focused on what you never accomplished.

Being happy and enjoying your life is at the core of self improvement. You aren’t satisfied with your current situation so you set out to do something about it in order to feel happy about yourself and your life.

The key to being happy about your improvement is to look at how far you have come instead of how far you have to go. Focus on the gap between where you are now and who you used to be.

Know your goal but let go of it. Trust yourself enough to know that you will get there when you are ready for it. Never utter the words “but I should be here” or “I should be at this point in my life.” If you were meant to be there than you would already be there.

Accept yourself, and delete the word ’should’ completely!

Should is one of the most detrimental words in your vocabulary to your development. Eliminate that word completely and you will find greater satisfaction in your path.

Replace the phrase “I should” with the phrase “I am where I am.” “I am where I am” will allow greater acceptance of where you are on your journey to improving. It doesn’t mean that you stop growing; it simply means that you accept where you are at in this current moment.

Never lose yourself along the way

Unfortunately many people decide to become someone completely new when they realize they need to make changes. They believe because some parts of them is “damaged” that their entire system is broken and needs to be replaced.

Self improvement should be looked at like a tune-up, not a complete overhaul of who you are. Adjust what you don’t want and keep what you do like.

In order to decide what to keep and what to improve on you need to know what you like about yourself. Underneath the issues, what is it that makes you truly you? What do you love about you?

Be consistent in your goals

Why did you get into improving yourself with women in the first place? Was it become more confident? Or get a girlfriend? Or sleep with a 1,000 women?

It has been my experience that many men want to learn how to become better with women in order to find a girlfriend. They want to find someone that they get along with well enough to have a relationship with.

Follow your own path

Your dating “guru” of choice might not share the same goals as you but don’t change them just because he doesn’t believes it’s the way to go.

Take what you want to learn from him but don’t become him. Stay true to who you are and adopt some of his teachings that are helpful.

This applies to everyone that you learn from. Often the guru, whether it is fitness or self improvement, believes that his way is the only way to happiness and success. The problem is that everyone is different and has different goals.

Take what works and leave the rest.

Alex Kay here again. Thank you Alex Strandberg for sharing your thoughts! If you want to read more by him, go on and check out his blog: Inner Game Reframe.

Before you go, do share your thoughts on the subject in the comments. Goals? Happiness? Gurus?! I’m looking forward to hearing from you all…

When you’re at it, don’t forget to Subscribe to the RSS Feed For Free! That way, you’ll get a cute (not really) email every time a new article is published over here. And don’t forget to Sign Up for the Free Dating Newsletter, either, which is found at the top of this page.

Image #1, #2, #3 and #4 by ShutterHack, BionicTeaching, ShutterHack and Jaytkendall.

It has been 15 minutes since you sent her a text. You just said that you had a great night last night, and asked when you would see her again. You have read it a couple of times after you sent it – was it any good? Could you have done better?

30 minutes passes. You have been checking your cell phone like a maniac. Why hasn’t she replied?!

45 minutes. Now you get all these wierd thoughts that, maybe she wasn’t that into you? But you vibed pretty well, didn’t you? What went wrong?

You start analyzing the evening for mistakes or clues. Nothing. Just a wait a minute! There was this awkward silence, and…

There is no point in continuing the story. You’re a smart guy, you get the point. I’m pretty sure you have been there, too. I know for sure that I have.

It’s a dark, dark place waiting for a text message reply. It downright sucks.

So what is there to do about it?

It’s about a change in mind

The simplest way to say it is this: Stop caring so much!

I know it can be hard. Really hard. But if you don’t want to walk around your whole life and just wait, it is absolutely crucial to learn it.

There will be hundreds of girls. She was just one of them.

This is the attitude you need to take on when you send a text message:

• I don’t really care if she replies to this message. It’s just a text, I’m just a guy, and she’s just a girl.
• It would be nice if she did reply, though, because I think she’s kind of cute and I would like to get to know her better.
• I have better things to do than sitting around and waiting. I have a life. There will be others.
• Now I’ll just live on and accept whatever the outcome may be.

So maybe she will reply. Maybe she never received the SMS. There are 1000 possibilities.

But in the end, it’s all about the amount of importance you lay on her reply. If it honestly doesn’t mean much to you, what’s the big deal?

Don’t check your phone all the time

Guys, this is huge! Try to really become “outcome independent” of your phone.

No, you don’t need to take it with you everywhere you go, just in case…

No, you didn’t just hear your phone. It was probably something else.

No, you don’t need to check it every 5 minutes. And just in case you actually got a SMS, what difference does it make if you don’t read it right away?

Just chill. That’s the basic lesson for today. Don’t take dating so god damn serious!

When to write again

If, after a day or two she still hasn’t replied, it may be time to send another text, just to give it another shot.

Try to not sound too needy. Something along the lines of this should work:

“Hey (girl/nickname), too busy to reply, are you?… That’s just too bad, since I think you’re cute and would like to see you again! :-)

This is not necessarily an example of a good text message, it is just an example. And it may not be your style at all, always remember to ‘be yourself’.

I know it’s old advice, but to be yourself means to be congruent and authentic. Two really important qualities.

What you want to achieve is just some kind of life signal from her side. Maybe she didn’t receive your first text, and in that case, it was a good idea to send her another one.

Maybe she just forgot about it or actually ignored it. If that’s the case, she may reply to this one.

If she doesn’t, is she really worth spending your time and energy on?

I think not.

Third text

If you want to, and she haven’t replied to your second SMS, you can send a third one after a week or something.

A sample could be this:

“Are you alive?”

If she doesn’t text you back after that message, I would just delete her number.

But that’s just me. It’s your call ;-)

Let us hear your stories on waiting for text messages (or calls, for that matter) in the comments.

Liked this article? Of course you did! Then why don’t you subscribe for free to the RSS feed, and sign up to the free newsletter? Come on, you sexy beast. I know you want to…

Photo by Don Solo.

To become aware of your breath is to become aware of the moment. To become aware of the moment is to be in the now. And to be in the now is to be one with all things – both good and bad.

That is what accepting is really all about.

There is to past, there is no future, there is only now. It is all we got, and it is all the time.

So you better get comfortable with it now, because it’s going to follow you for the rest of your days.

Start breathing

As I stated earlier, to become aware of your breath is one of the most powerful tools you can employ to fully embrace and experience the moment.

Fully embracing means fully accepting – I talked to a greater length about accepting in the last post here: Accept Yourself: How To Let Go of Bad Emotions and Feelings.

Stop and breathe

What I try to do a couple times a day, is to stop and just breathe.

Really focus on it; close your eyes.

Breathe air in through your nose, and deep into your belly. Breathe as deeply and slowly and controlled as you possibly can.

Now slowly exhale and relax your whole body. Let go of any tension.

Repeat it a couple of times, personally I usually go with about 9-12 “repetitions”.

I feel that this little quick procedure really has the ability to give me strength and courage all through out the day. It is perfect for coping with stress.

Just one conscious breath a day is better than zero. You can do one right now!

Breathe in air through your nose, and exhale it slowly. Feel the energy of the fresh air as it passes your organs. Feel the air circulate in your lungs. Really feel it.

Air is not just air, it is life itself.

Breathe when it matters the most

We have a tendency to forget to breathe when it matters the most.

Under high pressure. During sex. While having an important conversation. When you exercise.

Remember to breathe in these situations, and I promise you that you are going to have more success doing what you are doing.

Try it and let me know how it goes!

What about you?

Do you ever breathe consciously? And if so, why, and when do you do it?

For me, conscious breathing is my secret weapon.

Let me hear your thoughts in the comment section!

See you there :-)

First photo by Ryo. Second one by Meredith.

Ever had some kind of mental thought loop running through your mind, again and again?

It could be about a desire; you know you’re not supposed to think about it, but you still do. You try to distract yourself for some time, but it keeps coming back.

It could be about an ex girlfriend. It could be an image of your naked grandmother you got printed in your mind when you walked in on her in the bathroom. It could even be a song you just can’t stop humming.

It could be anything or everything that you keep denying and suppressing.

Letting it go

Basically what you’re doing when you’re denying a thought is that you reinforce it and make it stronger – because of the fact that you let it have power over you. The thought starts controlling you.

Control the thought

Turn the tables on the denying and follow the words of Jesus:

Turn the other cheek.

Accept the thought! Accept the feeling! Accept the emotion!

Let it take over you completely: Hum the song non-stop, keep thinking about your naked grandmother, cry over your ex – accept yourself!

Don’t deny or suppress any thought or feeling or emotion – let it all out. Suddenly there won’t be anything left.

Cry or yell, whatever you feel you need to do. It doesn’t matter. Just do it.

What happens when you do this is that you take the responsibility back for your own body and soul.

You reclaim yourself

Suddenly, you’re the one in control. Not the thought. Not the feeling. Not the emotion.

So try this out the next time you’re denying something: Accept it instead.

This also works if you think you have a physical trait that you don’t like – maybe it’s a big nose, maybe it’s acne, maybe it’s a scar, who knows.

Try to just accept it. Say to yourself: You know what? I don’t give a fuck. This is ME. And I’m cool with it. I accept every inch.

A personal story of accepting and denying

When I was younger, I didn’t really like my smile. I had these vampire teeth, you know, a crooked smile.

I kept denying my smile; I wouldn’t smile. I always tried to hide it.

But I wasn’t happy, so I knew I had to change things. You know the best way to change things? Turn it all around.

So I did the opposite – I smiled all the time. I said to myself that I had the most beautiful smile.

And you know what?

People started telling me I had a great smile!

And I started to feel great about it, I loved my smile – suddenly I had changed the loop.

What you can learn from this story

The relationship you have with the world is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. Think about it.

In reality, this is what confidence is all about. It’s the subtle things. The way you hold a glass, the way you write with a pen, the way you walk.

All this happens by itself if you feel good about yourself. Sure, you can “fake it until you make it”, but why should you?

Wouldn’t you rather be a confident person, and have all the subtle things work for you, instead of working for the subtle things? I think that’s a better approach.

Accept everything. Accept yourself.

Just try it and let me know how it goes.

Thanks for reading!

Let me in on your thoughts and experiences in the comments below, I always love to hear from you guys.

And by the way, if you liked this post, you might also like my post Don’t be afraid of fear – make friends with it.

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Top image by denis collette. Next one’s by big golf.

Note from Alex: This is a guest post from Jamie. If you’ve been a follower of the How To Get Over Your Ex Girlfriend comments (450+ and counting!), you know who he is.

I think that this is an excellent article laying out a lot of important principles for doing just that – getting over your ex. I’ll now give the word to Jamie. Warning: Contains foul language. Yeah!

Thanks Alex!

I believe this is an excellent blast to all the guys out there who are thinking they’d like to stay “friends” with the girl who dumped them.

The flow of the piece is this:

1. You can’t be friends.
2. You MUST neutralize the girl’s power over you.
3. The most effective way to neutralize the power is a clinical approach that is based in large part on the “No Contact Rule”.
4. What are some of the practical tactics that are involved.
5. You’ll be better off for having taken these steps.

You could write a PhD dissertation about the no contact rule and getting over a girl. This, however, is designed to be a quick read that hopefully will give men (read: you!) a fast-acting shot of empathy and momentary strength from realizing that what they are experiencing is something experienced by mankind as a collective and therefore not insurmountable. Phew. Lets get on with it!

Post-break-up friendship with your ex: DON’T

In the immediate aftermath of a break-up, and especially when you’ve been the one to be dumped, it is im-f*cking-possible to remain friends with the woman who grenaded your heart – even if you have months and months (or years and years) invested in her.

While powerful, the desire to remain friends is knee-jerk reaction to your own fear of being alone, and to internal weakness and insecurity – which may be temporary – but that you still need to address.

HOWEVER, it is VITALLY important that you always maintain cordial relationships (if not friendships) with as many women as possible! B/c while the bar/club scene is nice, other women can be a rich feeder source for possible date material – and I mean dates w/ girls who you would actually bring home to mom, and not just bang…

Neutralize her power over you

Another thing to consider: the goal after being dumped is not so much to “forget” the ex as it is to neutralize her power over you.

The irony is that whatever power she has is only there because you give it to her by virtue of having made a mental leap in reconceptualizing your life as now only being able to exist if your ex is part of it.

Any human being should ALWAYS be engaged in a continual process of self-development and cultivation, so that you can be your best.

When you limit your insecurities by excelling at school or sport or in your career, you 1) become less needy and 2) become a much better partner for a woman who might actually deserve you.

The NO contact rule

Nonetheless, when you’re in the shit – like many of us are – and trying to get over an ex, you must be clinical and disciplined in your approach and have no contact whatsoever for some minimum period.

If you just texted her or checked her FaceBook or drunk dialed – that’s fine. It’s normal. It’s what we do. But right now, from this second, commit to not seeking her out in person or virtually for at least 24 hours.

And after those 24 hours pass, commit to another day; and another; and another.

If you’re mentally obsessing over her, every time you start focusing on her FORCE yourself to shift to something else.

Have discipline

Watching TV is not a very good distraction – reading a book is better. But hitting the gym or going for a run or skydiving is a lot more effective – because you shut down the part of your subconscious that obsesses over her – if only for 30min or an hour – and you get some peace.

A relapse is never far away, even after weeks or months – which is why you have to be clinical and disciplined. Delete her from your FaceBook and MySpace. Delete her from your mobile. If you have her contact details stored in your address book – delete them from there, too.

Yes, we KNOW that you feel like you’re dead without her and that you are physically hurting even – it is what it is.

But you have two choices – either be consumed by the hurt and pain and rendered totally impotent, or commit to putting into practice some of the advice given here with the expectation that if you can do the work, one day you’ll find tranquillity and return to equilibrium.

You’ll get through – and get better

And then the next time you become emotionally intimate with a woman, hopefully you have a more sophisticated perspective and will be better aware of what’s happening in the relationship on a daily basis.

Last thing – even though I said delete her from your FaceBook and MySpace and phone, etc., that (for me) is only so you can’t be an idiot and actually call or text her when you crack and your resolve momentarily weakens.

Don’t completely destroy the memory of her

If you were in a relationship for any significant amount of time, that person is always going to have been part of your life, and you can’t obliterate the memory of her as if you were firebombing Germany. It just doesn’t work.

You want to end up with just a black hole in your psyche for the time you were with her? Take all the “stuff” she gave you or that reminds you of her and put it in a box or boxes or whatever and get it out of your physical space.

I don’t think you need to throw it away (but then I’m a little sentimental), and you can save her contact information on a CD that you throw in the box as well; when you’re old a worn-out it’s actually nice to have mementos from the past as they become tangible reminders or triggers of memory from years gone by.

But when you’re knee-deep in hurt and pain and misery, lock that shit away as if it was radioactive. Because in a sense it is – you need to be a technician and shut down your irrationality and reptilian-response to wanting to get back with a chick who dumped you, devalued you, broke your heart, cast you aside…

And someday you’ll have gone through enough misery and suffering that her power over you will be neutralized and you’ll have a better understanding of not just your limits, but your strengths as a person. And your next relationship will be all the better for it.

Back to Alex:

Hope you enjoyed it guys! As always, comments are highly appreciated. What do you think? Girls are also more than welcome to join in :-)

Lots of great images this time. First one by thisisawakeupcall. Second one by jasoneppink. Third one by Thomas Hawk. Last one by .ash. All beautiful, thanks!

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You’re standing there, shaking. You’re mind is entirely blocked out. Sweating. Your tongue won’t let you speak. Heart rate rising. The world moves very fast, or very slow. Muscles are tight.

Fear. It’s a strange thing. Few things provoke such strong physical reactions.

It can be the worst thing in the world. But it doesn’t have to be… Read on.

Before we can use it, we have to know what causes it.

What is fear?

Chemicals such as adrenaline and the stress hormone cortisol are released into the blood stream causing certain physical reactions such as:

• More sweating
• Blood pressure rises
• Tightening of muscles
• Rapid heart rate
• Sharpened or redirected senses

All these reactions are protective mechanisms to increase our chances of survival.

When speaking of human mechanisms, you can always go back to when we “lived in caves” to find the use and cause.

We often experience fear when we are found in a situation that can lead to death. Because as humans, we basically only have one goal: To survive.

The best way to do that is to reproduce, because no one lives forever. And you can’t reproduce when you’re dead, right? (Yet…)

Great, so we know we have to survive. Our body helps us with that in “dangerous” situations.

But when it comes to daily life, fear doesn’t help us much. It holds us back.

A social situation that can make lots of guys get all anxious is to walk up to a girl and start a conversation.

Kiss your fear goodnight

We’re able to climb mountains, ride cars with 250km/h, travel to the moon, you get the drill…

But most guys aren’t even able to walk up to a cute girl and say hi! Amazing, isn’t it?

The first thing you have to get into place to make that happen is to really want it. Make a commitment to it. Get really motivated.

Say to yourself one day, “I’m going to get out, find a cute girl, and talk to her”. Really feel that you’re going to do it. Picture a conversation in your head.

Maybe it wasn’t harder than that. Maybe you did it right away. If yes, great!

But, maybe you freezed, or made up some dumb excuse to not talk to her. Maybe you felt that there wasn’t “any girls worth talking to”. There are lots of maybes.

If you did go out and meet someone, then this post really isn’t directed at you. You’re doing great! Getting over “approach anxiety” is a really important step in getting success with women.

Let’s take a look at those who did not do it. I was one of them for quite a few years.

Not too long ago, I would rather take a bullet than walk up to a stranger. Today is a little different…

The first step is to admit to yourself that you were afraid. You looked fear in he’s eyes, and you lost. That’s cool though, just admit it.

Drop all the excuses; it’s just your ego protecting you.

Really look into what you felt at the moment you saw a woman you wanted to talk to. What did you think? Did you see or feel any signs of fear, such as a faster heartbeat?

The next time you give it a shot, try to just let it all in. Let the fear in completely, don’t try to fight it or hold it back. If you’re able to do this, it won’t take long before you make your first approach.

Easy exercise if you want to meet women on the street

Ask for the time.

Notice how you’re acting when you’re about to do something as non-threatening as asking for the time.

You will probably start out by saying “excuse me” to stop people. This works well in this scenario, but I do not advice it for stopping girls in general. It shows weakness. Why should you excuse for yourself?

After you have become comfortable with asking for the time, practice going up and saying “Hi! What’s the clock?”

Try not to excuse yourself. This is a bad habit to get into if you want to approach and attract women.

When you start out like this, it shouldn’t be too hard to start conversations with girls after a while. Try to do it one day. Again, notice all your thoughts and feelings. Let all the fear in.

Really try to approach no matter what your body is telling you. This is the only real way to overcome approach anxiety. Look fear in the eyes, and beat it.

Try it, and let me know how it goes!

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By the way, I am leaving to India tomorrow night. The next post will be published while I am away. So no responding to emails/comments from the 1st july to the 18th. Wish me a good trip guys!

Image #1 by haniamir, #2 by ucumari.