Hey guys, today I am going to bring an email from a woman’s perspective. She asked me how she should react to her old flame contacting her again, and I gave her some easy to follow and concrete advice.

This is the email from Rosalia:

“Hi Alex, just got to the office today and there was an email from out-of-the-blue from my Ex boyfriend who’d dumped me for another woman almost 10 years ago. Didn’t expect to be this shook by this, since I’ve subsequently moved on and am (happily) in a committed, long-term relationship.

Any insight and advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.”

This is my reply:

“Well, the way I see it, you have two choices: you either respond, or you don’t. Either way, it doesn’t change anything. You’re still with Francois, and Richard won’t be prominent in your life. If you think it would be fun to hear how Richard is doing, by all means, do so. If it bears too much pain, don’t.

At least that’s the way I see it. What do you think?”

The second email from Rosalia:

“Thank you very much for your reply. I appreciate it. That is an excellent, wise answer; cuts right to the point of the matter.

Best wishes,
Katerina”

Conclusion

So yeah, my answer summed it up pretty well. When you boil it all down, you usually only have two options: A or B. Depending on which one you choose, you may have to make several choices after the initial choice, but it always starts with just one. Getting that first one right is crucial to taking the best decision that you can.

In this case, both A and B would lead to almost the same outcome. As I said: Rosalia would still be with Francois, and Richard didn’t have anything to do with that.

When you ask the right questions, you get the right answers. And that’s why my answer helped Rosalia out of her situation – we put it into the right perspective. Often the best questions isn’t “how?”, it’s “why?”. When you can answer that, usually the rest is easy.

If you ever have a question or something you need help with (like getting over an ex-girlfriend), you can contact me through the contact form.

Image by Abdulmajeed.

Trust me, I know the feeling. Several years ago, I went deep down into a hole after my girl at the time, Rebecca, and I broke up on a mutual agreement.

We both wanted it, but when I look back, the biggest reason that I did so was to not look weak and needy in her eyes when we discussed it – which in turn was exactly what I did when I weeks later sent her texts saying I wanted her back. That didn’t work out too well, since first of all, she had already begun dating another guy.

I can’t tell you how many times I have kicked myself over this episode. If I had simply manned up at the time and told her that we should work out our quirks instead of breaking up…

Learn from your experiences
Well, you learn from your experiences, right? I certainly did. Ever since that episode, I have started to stand up for things I don’t want to lose in a whole new manner.

I guess that it is wired into our bodies in some way – there’s no way I am going to feel the same regret and emptiness as I did after Rebecca and I broke up again. I just can’t let it happen.

And I won’t let it happen to you, either.

If you and your girl have talked about breaking up, my best and most important advice is to really listen to your heart for what you want. With Rebecca, I didn’t listen to anything but my ego, which taught me a humiliating and painful lesson.

Listen to your heart

Listening to one’s heart is not easy, and it takes a lot of practice to become good at it. But in the end, it pays to familiarize yourself with your most hidden thoughts and feelings.

Don’t make the same mistake I did by acting on some thoughts that I thought was me, but actually wasn’t.

I see the ego as a part of every human being as natural a part of you as everything else. It sits inside you, somewhere, and lets you know what it thinks about everything, all day long. It is the ego that judges both you and others, and it is the ego that makes you do ”selfish” things.

Learning to listen to the ego without acting on its advice is the first step to becoming familiar with your heart. Your heart is the almost exact opposite of your ego: it is filled with nothing but love and pure intentions.

I think that Walt Disney illustrated it pretty damn well with the red devil on one shoulder, and the white angel on the other. The two discuss matters all day long, and it is in part which of them you listen to the most that decides your way through life.

Identify your thoughts

Every time you get a thought in your head that encourages you to act in some way, try to identify where it comes from. The key here is awareness.

What does the thought want you to do? What will happen if you do it? Why would the thought want you to do that?

Think about these things when a thought pops up, and try to identify the answers. There is no right or wrong here.

Let us take an example:

You’re sitting with an ice cream, let’s just say that it is your absolute favourite ice cream, and a good friend of yours asks if he or she can taste it.

A classic response stemming from the ego would be repulsion or an aggressive response. If you tell your friend no, what you accomplish is merely ”more for yourself”, at least in the short run.

The ego always wants more, more of everything. It places your own needs in front of the needs of others.

The thought of giving your friend a taste of your delicious ice cream is on the other hand a thought from your heart. It serves to magnify love, and to create harmony in your immediate surroundings.

Of course you can give him or her a taste, simply to get something in return or to make that person ”owe” you something. If that’s the case, then it’s by no means from the heart. Only the purest intentions come from the heart.

Learning to identify your thoughts like this can help you not only to overcome your ego, but also to act more lovingly and more giving.

The pragmatic way to look at it

Living from your heart can also be viewed in a more pragmatic sense. By giving your all to the people around you, they will see you as a loving person, and in return you will gain more love.

This is the ego’s way of seeing it, but whenever your actions resonate with your heart, you have my accept for doing it anyway.

Giving, especially in the beginning, can be very difficult, and that’s the reason why I ”allow” this kind of behaviour. If you give money to charity, not to help the cause you’re donating to, but to reap personal benefits in one way or the other, that is still ”better” than to restrain from donating or to not give anything at all.

The voice from your heart will become stronger every time you act on it – so keep strengthening it! At some point, acting from your heart will be natural for you, and in this regard, the ego will be ”beaten”.

Breaking up on a mutual agreement

To bring it back to my original point: whether or not to break up with your girlfriend on mutual terms or to fight for the relationship can be broken down into a simple question: are you taking a decision from the ego, or from the heart?

Breaking up, from the ego:

• If you’re doing it from the ego, you may be doing it to, like I did, to not look weak or stupid in her eyes.
• It could also be to avoid facing the potential stress of repairing your relationship.
• It would be from the ego if you want to break up as some kind of revenge.
• Or because you are too lazy to have a girlfriend, and would rather like to sit on the couch all day long sipping bad beer and being miserable.

Breaking up, from the heart:

• A good example of breaking up from the heart would be to let her go so someone else can love her better than you could.
• It could also be if your relationship is too far from the principles of love and respect to ever bring it back into balance.
• It would be from the heart if you hurt each other more than you are able to give.
• It could also be if she has hurt you in some way where you know that you cannot forgive her sufficiently to give her the love she deserves.
• Or if you have nothing left to give, and ending the relationship is the most loving thing to do, since you have already mentally moved on.

Conclusion

The list concludes this post. Deciding to break up, together, is often the best and most honest way to break up. But if what is being said doesn’t come from the heart, there’s a big chance that either you or your partner will end up getting more hurt than necessary. Take the decision from the heart, and from there, you will know what to do.

And by the way, I am aware of the fact that the “How to get over your ex-girlfriend” is down. It is because it has too many comments, and therefore takes too long for the server to load. I am working on a fix, but perhaps you have to be a little bit patient, since I am not near a stable internet connection these days… I can’t even link to Google’s cached version, since they have taken it down due to the downtime. Sorry guys, I work as hard as I can on the problem!
Alex

After being in a relationship for a while, many guys (and girls too, for that matter) have a tendency to take things for granted. When you stop being as excited about your girl as you where when you first met her, it is the beginning of the end.

I have a theory that in every single moment of every single day, the attraction between you and your girl either increases or decreases. Small fluctuations are perfectly fine. Liking each other more every single day is impossible. It just shouldn’t get too low, as it will inevitably lead to less attraction and sexual polarity between you.

This we don’t want. The purpose of this article is to give you some tips to keep the spark in your relationship. Who doesn’t want to stay in love? It’s an incredible feeling – and in my opinion, mundanity and mediocrity is to be avoided as much as possible.

• 1. Really like her
  The first step to keep – and have – any kind of spark in any relationship, is to really like the girl. In my experience, you have to think that she is more than just sweet, beautiful and easy-going. A great rack or a cute face is seldom enough to keep it interesting. You have to really like her. She has to be special to you. Irreplaceable. Something about her that takes your breath away and makes your heart beat faster when she’s around.
• 2. Notice the small things
  Notice the small things about her and appreciate them. She is an amazing creature to be cherished. Notice her toes, her navel, the small of her back, her neck, her ears and her birthmarks. Learn to love them. My philosophy is that if you can’t change something, you have to learn to love it. Accept every single part of her as a part of something beautiful and lovely. Notice the way she moves, the way her lips form her words, the way her hair sways in the wind. Start to appreciate the details, and don’t be shy of telling her. If you like the way her cheeks blossom, put it into words. Smile with her, and then kiss her.
• 3. Give more than you take
  It is very important to give more to the relationship than you take. Be present when you are with her and give her your masculine gift as much as you possibly can. I first stumbled over the concept of the masculine gift in David Deida’s ”The Superior Man”. It’s a phrase that covers the gift that you, as a masculine man, can give to the world. It includes decisiveness, purpose and strength. When she is closing down emotionally, you have the ability to help her by opening her into love. Lift her up, spin her around and kiss her. It is when she seems most dark she needs you the most. Aspire to keep her blossoming and dissolving in love.
• 4. Make each other better
  For any relationship to stay interesting and relevant, you have to make each other better. This ties in with giving more than you take. You offer her your masculine gift, and she offers your her feminine gift. Appreciate the way she is able to soothe your mind after a hard day at work, or the way she inspires you to live your life fully. If she doesn’t offer you anything of value, why stay together?
• 5. Keep it sexy
  Keep it sexy. Keeping it sexy is mainly about taking initiative. Don’t be afraid of making any moment a sexual one. Feel through her when you nibble her ear and whisper to her that you want her right now. You seducing her is in one way or the other the reason you are together – so don’t forget to keep doing it. Offer her a massage once in a while. Even if you don’t feel like massaging her for an hour straight, doing things like that which requires an extraordinary effort can really keep things hot. Invest in her, and she will invest in you. When she arrives home from a stressful day, guide her to the bathtub and soak her in warm water, while serenading her with a slow song you have learned on guitar. When you do stuff like buying her a birthday present, give it some thought. Don’t just give her the first and best thing that pops into your mind.
• 6. Remember why you fell in love with her
  This one doesn’t even need much wording. Think back to when you first met – why do you even like this girl? Try to see the same things now that you did back then. Talk with her about the first time you kissed or the first time you danced, and try to evoke some of the same old feelings you used to have.
• 7. Don’t focus your life on her
  A mistake many guys do when they settle is that they lose their edge. Don’t stop seeing your friends. Don’t stop working out. Don’t stop giving it your all when it comes to your career. Don’t lose your hobbies. In fact, don’t change. Keep doing the things that turn you on – and don’t focus your life on her. Remember your purpose and go with that. Deep down your woman knows that she can’t be the most important thing in your life. Your purpose has to come before her, or you will both be dissatisfied in the long run.

Conclusion

The conclusion to all this is that when you find a great, or more than great, girl, and you want to stay with her, it takes a little effort. As everything else worth collecting. Do the small extra things for her, appreciate her fully and don’t take her for granted. On top of that, keep your life interesting and don’t lose your edge.

These are my best tips. Now I would like to know what you do to keep your relationships interesting and sexy? If you would be so kind, leave a comment and tell me!

Image by Alex Dram.

Hello Just Keep the Change, my name is Rob.

I never expected to be one of those guys whose girlfriend ruled his life. Heck, I remember talking with my buddies about a friend or two of ours back in college and how “that would never happen to me”. But a demanding, manipulative girlfriend can sneak up on you when you’re busy living life, and the next thing you know you’re in a relationship from hell. That’s why happened to me.

Kelli With an “I”

I met Kelli at work, like so many people do, I guess. She was a supervisor in a different department and, I have to admit, that kind of appealed to me. Things were great at first. We kept work in the workplace and there was no reason for our work status to matter. Heck, Kelli’s job was a big plus, because she introduced me to other managers and we got along. If anything, our relationship was helping me make friends at the workplace, and I was a young guy fresh out of college looking to move up.

Love and Romance

Like I said, things were great for the first year. We dated. We had our circle of friends, sort of a different circle of friends from what I was used to. Maybe I was looking for something a little different and more adult. Kelli was a few years my senior, but the age difference wasn’t that big of a deal. We had similar hobbies, similar interests. Even our lives were some pretty parallel: both from suburbia, both from broken homes, both from the same part of the country. We had reasons to relate.

Things were even casual at first. We dated off and on for about 4 or 5 months. I continued to see other people, but nothing much to speak about. Kelli was married to her career. We got along.

Things Take a Turn For the Worst

About five months in, though, we started to get more serious. It all started on Kelli’s 29th birthday. I made sure we had a romantic night. We made love. Maybe she was feeling her age, because we talked seriously about our relationship for the first time. After that, Kelli and I were in a committed relationship. It was something I wanted, too. We clicked.

Even then, things were good for the next half year. Then we started talking engagement and marriage. In hindsight, I realise Kelli was on a time table. Something in her needed to have a fiance, needed to be planning the future, needed to be talking kids and a family life and good schools. Me, I was still in a different place than Kelli, and that’s when I started to pull away. It was subtle at first.

Kelli Changes

That’s when Kelli started to show her other side: demanding, jealous, spiteful. I realized that Kelli was used to getting her way and that she didn’t like being told “no”. I guess being a supervisor does that to you.

Me? I had my doubts, but I also had a year together that was playing tricks with my mind. Kelli and I had had an amazing year together – in many ways, the best year of my dating life. We had been equals in a relationship for most of that year and I was content. Even now, I wanted to remain in the romance: it’s just that Kelli was wanting to go faster than I was. Well, that’s what I thought at the time.

My friends saw it differently. Moving into a new circle of friends, I guess I had lost touch for weeks and sometimes even months on end. When the engagement came about, I naturally wanted Kelli to meet my friends. They weren’t impressed, on either side of the equation. It’s always crazy when two worlds collide, but my friends were astounded I was with what they saw as a bossy, over-critical biyatch. Frankly, they were amazed I put up with Kelli’s act.

A Dramatic Argument

In one dramatic scene, one of my oldest, closest friends (Dustin) took me out for drinks and told me he thought we were co-dependent. I told Dustin my engagement wasn’t any of his damn business. Things got heated. I told him I should come over the table for the way he talked about Kelli. Dustin shot back with “Die tryin’” and walked out of the place.

We didn’t talk for a while. It put a real strain on our friendship. Frankly, I didn’t even know what codependent was, but Dustin got me to thinking. After considering what my buddy had to say, I decided he was right. Something was wrong. I wasn’t in the kind of relationship I wanted to be in.

So there I was, engaged to a woman who was a superior at work, who was friends (or so I thought) with half of my direct managers at work, and who was starting to put all kinds of crazy demands on my time and loyalties. Anytime were were apart for more than an hour, she was calling my Blackberry. She was demanding I “check in” with her at all hours of the night. She didn’t want me seeing my friends, sometimes even my family. Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, I was in a crazy romance.

The Breakup

So we end up going to a party at my sister’s one night. Kelli was never very happy about these kind of get-togethers, but Kelli’s had gutted it out a few times, because my sister would obviously be her sister-in-law soon. My sister, for her part, likes to have a good time at her parties, so she didn’t like to see Kelli coming, because she had made a scene at the previous event.

We get to the party and are having a good time for about an hour. It’s at that point that I see Rachel, a woman I had known through my sister for a couple of years. Rachel and I had had chemistry from the start and I had asked her out when we first met. She was serious with a guy at the time, but had since broken up. Rachel and I would talk at these parties, but we had become friendly acquaintances and I didn’t feel any kind of romantic chemistry.

Kelli didn’t see it that way. She saw me talking with this hottie and I guess she didn’t like the way Rachel looked at me. From what happened later, maybe she sensed something in the way I acted, though there was nothing conscious on my part. Whatever the case, Kelli came over to the two of us and started up her act. She was snotty to Rachel and controlling towards me, trying to put me down or put me in my place or whatever. Rachel isn’t the kind of person to listen to that kind of stuff about someone she likes, so she told Kelli to calm down and stop being a bitch.

The next thing you know, Kelli is leaving the party and telling me to come along. We go outside to her car and have a huge fight. I had had enough. I grew a set and told Kelli our relationship had spiraled out of control. I told her she had changed. She told me she realized she didn’t know me. I replied, “I think it’s obvious we neither one knew one another like we thought.” Then I called off the engagement. Enraged, Kelli spun out down the road.

A First Kiss

So there I was, having made a big scene at the party with my fiance. As they say, the wedding was off. You can imagine walking back into that party (I had no ride) and having to answer all those questions. My sister and her friends wanted to know what had happened, then I had to listen to all my over-served friends tell their Kelli horror stories. Even at that moment, I didn’t want to hear that. Dustin told them they were stupid for saying all those things, since we’d be back together the next day. I told Dustin he was one to talk, but we grinned at each other and knew we were good again.

I went to apologize to Rachel for having to see all that and put up with my controlling ex-fiance. She was real cool about it. We found a quiet place away from everyone and sat and talked for a while. I told Rachel my troubles and she told me she’d been through something similar.

Rachel told me she was “out of there” and offered to drop me off. I accepted. Before I got out of the car, Rachel asked me out sometime, “if I was really through with that girl”. I replied, “I was about to ask you the same question.” Rachel told me that she was definitely through with Kelli. We laughed, then we kissed.

Rob and Rachel Sitting in a Tree

Kelli and I talked a few times about reconciliation, but it was a formality at that point. We both knew it was through. I was afraid I would see repercussions at work, but I eventually realized that Kelli’s personality had rubbed more than me the wrong way. We’re in different parts of the business, which is really good.

Rachel and I eventually started seeing one another. Rachel has some of the same traits I liked about Kelli – she speaks her mind, she’s easy to talk to, she’s gorgeous – without the negative traits. We make a good pair, because we’re equal parts of a couple. Right now, it’s just casual, but I can see it going somewhere eventually. There’s a lot of potential there.

With Rachel, I feel like I traded up.

Happily Yours,
Rob

Note from Alex: Thanks Rob. Now, it might be appropriate to write about what you could learn from the story… But instead, I want to ask you, what’s the lesson? Tell me in the comments! :-)

This guest post was provided by Dating Online, a website offering exclusive reviews of today’s popular dating websites. Dating Online also operates the blog: Dating Zen.

Image one, two and three.

Massaging your partner or girl is a wonderful way to explore her body and get to know her on a more profound and deeper level.

It’s one of the most loving acts one can conduct. Everyone likes getting a massage. And even more so if it’s done by a person whom they trust, since a massage can be a very intimate thing.

But a great massage is better than a good massage, and that’s exactly what you will learn today. There is more to a massage than the type of strokes that you use. It’s not just technique. It’s the complete experience…

In some ways, a lot of ways actually, a massage relates to sex. And just as great sex (often) requires some kind of foreplay, so does a great massage.

Foreplay to massage

The best kind of foreplay starts in the mind.

If you’re hanging out at your place one day, walk up behind her, gently massage her neck for a few seconds, and whisper in her ear: “do you enjoy this?”

She’ll most likely moan a little and say yes. Then you simply stop, and walk away.

Plant the seed in her mind

Over the course of a day (or a couple!), do this a few times. Plant the seed in her mind. You may even say: “honey, when you get home from work on Friday, I’ll give you a long, well earned, massage.”

There’s nothing she can do but to look forward to it.

Of course a massage doesn’t have to be a big event or a planned thing; it can just as well be quick and spontaneous. But for the sake of this article, let’s just keep it as an ‘event’.

When the “big day” comes, make sure that you have prepared. You’ll need a couple of things:

• Time. Make sure that you both have at least half an hour. I would recommend more, but that’s the bare minimum.
• Massage oil. Massage oil is used for decreasing friction on the skin, and for the warming effect. It’s pure sexiness. Make sure to warm it in your hand before applying it to the skin though, since it can be a pretty cold and unpleasant experience otherwise.
• Candles. The environment is a big part of the massage. Make sure the room is absolutely dark. Light some candles – they’ll help by warming the room and making the experience even more intimate.
• Music. Music can help soothe and relax her. This is a very individual thing. Try to get a hold of some “mediation music” or similar, preferably without any vocal performance. The most popular choice is the simple sound of the ocean and the waves. I personally like Asian inspired stuff too, like monks chanting (which is actually a vocal performance, but you get my point… no singing) or some traditional drums. African music also works well But don’t digress if you don’t have this stuff lying around – any kind of soft music will work, and in reality, it’s not even that important. It’s just one of many ways to set the mood.
• Towels. Used to hold the body warm and to wipe off excess massage oil.

The massage itself

So you’re ready to give your massage. But what about the actual movements? Instead of writing 10 pages with clumsy descriptions, I’ll forward you to some videos which will give you some pointers on what to do. But as always, experiment and find out what works for you and your partner.

Useful videos:

How to massage your girl – Sample back massage.

How to massage away lower back pain – The title says it all.

How to give a back massage – How to give a back massage, with accompanying instructions.

A quick search on Youtube or on a similar site will give you thousands of results. There are also lots of great books and DVD’s on the subject out there.

Useful articles:

The Beginner’s Guide to Massage – Short and sweet article discussing beginner strokes and some of the dos and don’ts of a good massage.

5 tips to get a massage job – 5 tips on how to get a job as a masseuse. (Acquire a feel for muscles, use a firm grip, vary your hand positions, experiment with oils and lotions and talk to your partner.)

Massage your partner – A step by step guide on massaging your partner. Worth a look. Also complemented with a video at the end.

Additional massage tips

Since we’re all different, we all like different stuff. So my two best personal massage tips are the following:

Ask and feel.

The best massage therapists I know ask the client in question about everything from spot, to stroke, to firmness to temperature. It takes a few massages to really know what a person responds well to.

So don’t be afraid to ask your girl what she likes. Start out with some of the basics (watch the videos for some pointers), and work your way from there. Ask her how she likes the pressure etc.

It’s easy enough to listen to her answers and follow the instructions. But the very best massage is when no words are spoken. You simply just go with the flow, and feel through your partner. You feel what she feels, and so you’ll know exactly what to do.

You see what I meant when I said that a massage is a lot like sex now, right? :-)

This kind of flowing massage takes a great deal of practice to pull off, but it will come in time. The best thing to do to get good at massaging is to do it a lot. The second best thing is to get massaged yourself. That way you’ll get to know how the body responds to different kind of strokes and techniques.

In time, you’ll build up a powerful repertoire of ‘moves’ and you’ll get an outline for a routine. These things are not necessary, but an underlying structure for the massage can be a good thing to have in mind.

Don’t just massage the back

There’s more to a woman’s body than just her back. You know that just as well as I do.

Massage her hands, her arms, around her shoulders and back down.

Massage her feet, her calves, her thighs, all slowly, and go back down to the feet.

Massage her neck, her ears, her buttocks…

There are hundreds of possibilities. Just remember to do it firmly and slowly at the same time.

Massage her with “emotion” so to speak, bringing your energy through your fingertips.

Don’t be afraid to kiss some of the places you have massaged, before moving onto a new area – it can really make a woman feel loved. And isn’t that what we all want, deep down, anyway? :-)

I’ll let that be up to you.

Now just go out and massage your woman and me proud, son!

(Make sure to let me know how it goes in the comments below. And by the way, this post was post #100. Yay!)

Make sure to join the 500+ subscribers on the RSS feed.

Images by Aphodsotherhead, RobW and Akbar Simonse.

I have done it many times: I and my girlfriend broke up, now she’s my ex, and I am kind of over her.

I still think about her, though, and somewhere, I still want her.

Not in the way of driving to her place with a bunch of flowers and confessing my love, no, it’s more like I hope that one day she’ll call me and tell me that she also still wants me.

There’s just one thing… The day never comes.

Being in that is place is what I call the “grey land”, and it’s a very dangerous place.

You’re not really sad anymore, but neither are you particularly happy. You just let life happen, and see what will come next. You could also call it drifting.

How do you know if you are in the grey land?

• You check your phone a little too often to see if there is a text message from her. You’re not totally conscious of it, though. You’re just checking your phone, right?
• You huff and puff of the thought of you too as a couple again, but deep down, you know that you are lying to yourself. You know that, even though you may want other girls, you still want her.
• You wind up thinking about her at the oddest times and letting her distract what you are doing. You might be shooting some hoops, while suddenly you feel that she’s nearby and you lose focus and you stop to look around. Or maybe you’re swimming, or fishing, and your meditation with the activity gets broken of and you have a hard time concentrating again.
• This may be the most common one: you’re kind of looking for her at venues where you know she sometimes goes. This is mostly true if you live (or lived) near each other. And when you secretly look for her, you feel a little ashamed and feel that it’s not quite right.
• And that actually counts for all the points: you feel a little ashamed for still wanting her. And that is exactly what we’ll work on today. There’s no idea in feeling shame; it’s a pretty useless emotion.

In reality, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It’s absolutely normal to still think about your ex from time to time, to look for her and to check your phone a little too often.

Where many men go wrong is just that they won’t admit it; neither to others or to themselves.

They end up pushing the feelings away, instead of embracing them.

They’re actually pushing away a part of themselves, and that’s a pretty dangerous thing to start doing. The next time you feel a little “out of your body”, check in to see if there’s something you haven’t accepted entirely – if there’s something you still don’t quite believe.

As I said, this issue is very common, so (again) don’t feel ashamed.

The first step is plainly to acknowledge and accept that yes, you still have some feelings for her. It’s okay!

At the same time, you also know that those feelings won’t last forever. They usually disappear (almost) entirely when you meet someone new, or simply when some time has passed. This may be tomorrow, this may be next week, or it might be in three months. No one knows – and it really doesn’t matter!

Because it’s easy living with your feelings, as long as you accept them. Good feelings and bad feelings; they’re all good! Because they are simply just that, feelings.

You can’t control your feelings directly

Feelings are beyond your direct control. So don’t think too much about it, just let them be, and be totally honesty about it.

You may never get entirely over your ex, but don’t let that scare you.

It doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to love again, you most certainly will. It just means that she meant a great deal to you, and that you will never forget her.

Yes, she may have been a bitch (especially when things ended between you two), but despite that, she was and is an incredible woman. And that fact should make you smile; you have been with an incredible woman!

So with a smile on our lips, let’s look at…

The 7 ways to stop waiting and hoping for your ex girlfriend to text or call you (and get out of the grey land)

• 1. Acknowledge your situation. This is hugely important, because if you don’t accept your feelings, the healing process will take a lot longer and you won’t gain as much insight as you would otherwise. So simply take some time to really understand your feelings, I encourage you to write it out.
• 2. Make simple rules for yourself. Checking your phone a lot is a common habit when you are in the grey land, but don’t let that scare you. Strength and willpower is all it takes to get over it. Make simple rules for yourself like, “only check the phone three times a day” or just don’t have it nearby all the time. Don’t be afraid to let it stay at home some days. It’s all about getting more unattached to that little device called a phone…
• 3. Don’t contact her. At all. The no contact rule means no contact; and I’ve heard the excuse before where guys say “what if she needs help” or similar – it just doesn’t cut it. She has friends and family, let them handle her now when you’re not together anymore.
• 4. Meet someone new. Don’t start dating if you feel that you aren’t ready, for some it may take some time (especially if you and your ex was together for a long time). It’s not fair to the new girl if you’re dating her just because you want to get over your ex: date her because you like to date, and you like her. If those two are in check, the healing process can really quicken up. When you meet someone new, you suddenly realize that your ex wasn’t as good as you maybe have idolized her to be – in other words, starting dating again can really bring things into perspective.
• 5. Give up hope and realize that it’s over. This more aggressive approach will work better for some than for others, but it certainly can work. Pinch yourself every time you catch yourself thinking about her, and say to yourself that it’s over.
• 6. Give it time. All healing takes time, and when it comes to love, it can take a lot of time. Give yourself all the time you need, and don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s totally normal to have problems getting over an ex, what many fail to realize is just that you tend to make it worse if you don’t accept it.
• 7. Accept and don’t suppress. So even though I’ve already said it, I say it again. Accept it. Accept all your feelings, and be very honesty with yourself. I can only guide you to the right road – it’s you who have to follow it. It’s your life, so live it on your terms. You are the master and the only one who’s in control. Use it.

My friend David Deida says that you should rather live with a heart in pain than a heart that is closed off, and I whole (heartedly) agree with him.

The whole idea of getting out of this grey land is that she’s a distraction to you, and distractions are seldom any good. As I have stated many times, it’s perfectly normal to still have thoughts about her from time to time, but when it becomes a problem and an annoyance, it’s time to take action.

It’s possible to become attached to the mere thought of her

Sometimes you grow attached to the thought of her, even though you don’t even want her. It’s like you create this image in your mind that everything will be perfect if you get back together.

It’s just that, in the relatively unlikely event that you actually do get back together, nothing will get fixed. Learn to enjoy your situation as it is right now instead. Be grateful for what you have!

It’s the road, guys, not the goal. Keep that in mind.

And while you’re at it, embrace pain, accept your losses, and move on. There’s a new day tomorrow!

See you soon guys.

Your friend in love and pain,
Alex Kay

Also, I highly encourage you to check out my book called “The Ex-Girlfriend Solution”. It includes everything you ever wanted to know about getting over your ex and moving on with your life. It takes you right from the break-up to your new relationship, and it answers all the questions I get all the time, like “what to do if she wants to be friends”, “how to avoid being distracted by thoughts about her”, “how to fall asleep when I miss her” etc… Read more about it here!

Image by cambiodefractal.

Who doesn’t want to be sexy as hell, exceedingly attractive and absolutely confident?

This article will tell you how. And it’s easier than you probably thought. But not easy in the ‘no-effort’ way.

No, it’s more like easy in the ‘simple to write- harder to do’ way.

The title of this post was inspired by the relatively new Woody Allen movie “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”. Actually, the whole post is inspired by that movie. You’ll see why in a minute.

Vicky and Cristina

The movie is about two girls vacating in Barcelona, Spain, during summer. One of them, Vicky, is what you on first glance would call self-confident, secure and cold. The other girl, Cristina, is more of the adventurous type. She is not afraid to get her heart broken, and generally takes more risks.

So there we have it, two seemingly distinct girls. One night, they get approached by a sexy bohemian type painter. They have never talked to each other before, just exchanged a few looks at an art gallery earlier that evening, but now he’s asking them to go to a small Spanish city with him by plane. That evening. They’ll leave in an hour.

Cristina absolutely wants to do it. Vicky absolutely does not want to do it.

But they go anyway. The painter, who’s name is Juan, shows them around the little Spanish city and they have a great time. Cristina starts to fall in love with him, and they end up in his room. They start kissing, but Cristina suddenly gets an upset stomach. Apparently, she has had some kind of food poisoning, and it sends her to bed a few days.

Now, stay with me. I know this sounds irrelevant, but really, it is not. Read on…

Because Cristina is in bed all the time, Juan only shows Vicky around. Against all odds, they actually have a great time. Late one night they go to an outdoors guitar concert, and afterwards they have sex in the moonlight.

That’s basically the story. There are complications, though, like Vicky being engaged. But that’s not really important right now.

The question is this:

Why is Juan so god damn sexy and attractive?

Of course, there will never be an absolute answer to that question. And on top of that, he’s just a guy in some movie. But still, it’s an interesting question to answer.

I think that, in some way, he is everything that both Vicky and Cristina want to be.

In reality, Vicky is afraid to show who she really is. She is afraid to open up, to be vulnerable. Juan does this. He tells the girls about his ex wife, whom he loved dearly, and how she has this huge impact on him. He tells them that they tried to kill each other because they were so frustrated by love. Now that’s expression…

Vulnerability and honesty

At the concert, Vicky also sees Juan cry. She sees that he is not just some fake Latino lover, but an actual, authentic man.

Later, when they stand face to face and are about to kiss, he tells her, not just with his words, but also with his heart and his whole body, that he thinks that she is incredibly beautiful. She melts. Again, she feels his authenticity. She feels that he is real; she feels that he is honest.

Cristina is not attracted to him for the same reasons. She’s attracted by his creative nature, the way he expresses himself in his paintings. Because she is struggling to express herself; she feels that she has so much to say, but yet, she has no talent.

She also feels Juan’s authenticity. She feels it down her spine, all the way into her feminine core. She knows that he has the ability to love with all his heart. That he can express whatever he feels in the moment in a true, honest, raw and sexy way.

She knows that he’s the kind of man that will scream in bed if he wants to. He will yell at her if that’s what he feels. Not in a angry or hateful way, he will only yell because he loves her.

Now that might sound like a contradiction, but in my opinion, love is really just the true expression of the moment.

Impact

But most of all, she knows that she has an impact on him. And that’s what’s attractive about Juan. He is impactable. I’m not sure that’s even a word, but what I mean is that you can impact him and feel it.

There is no bullshit with this guy. He can fall madly in love with you, leave you, and cry over you for months. But don’t confuse this with being a wuss. Because it is not out of neediness, not at all. It is out of confidence and love. An entirely different thing.

So what’s the lesson?

Express yourself! If your girl looks amazing one night, don’t be afraid to tell her! Tell her how she has an impact on you. How you always feel warm when you’re around her.

But also, always be honest. If that’s not what you feel, don’t say it.

So the lesson is also to become in-tune with yourself. If you can’t feel what you are feeling, how will she ever feel it?

Self-expression can take an infinite amount of forms. Art is the most common, right along writing and playing an instrument.

You may not be creatively talented, so maybe it’s not for you. Cristina in the movie didn’t think she was. Right untill she found photography.

Expression can also be to take a long walk. Or to meditate. As long as it is real, and as long as it is you, it’s expression.

How to get to know yourself better

Start writing a journal. It doesn’t have to be chronologically ordered, or start with “hi diary” on every page.

Write in it whenever you feel like you have something to say. And when you write, do the following:

Write without stopping. This works best if it’s on paper with a pencil. Computer writing doesn’t count here.

Write without stopping for 15 minutes. Don’t ever let the pencil slip of the paper. And if you feel like you don’t have anything more to write, write that!

Actually write “It feels like I don’t have more to write”. Then just write whatever comes at you. It may be that, while you are writing, you are looking around your room. What do you feel when you look at your room?

Write it all. This is an incredible exercise for building a higher degree of self-awareness and self-realisation. Suddenly, you are not a stranger in your own body.

Before you go

Remember the lesson for today: Love fully, express fully. That’s all really all that is to it.

Let me know how it goes in the comments. Let me know your thoughts. Your experiences. Your comments.

See you there!
Alex

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Lovely top image by karpov. Second image by puja.

This is the number one question I get asked most of the time – right after the question on how to win her back.

And it’s difficult to answer. How do you get over your ex girlfriend?

I guess that we have all been there at some point in our lives.

Relationship starts. Everything’s good. Suddenly, everything isn’t so good. And you break up. That’s life!

I have had my share of it, so I speak from experience here.

You have probably shared lots of good times, and now it’s gone.

No more holding hands, no more crawling in close when it’s cold outside, no more kisses under the moonlight, no more anything.

For some it’s easier to accept than others. But I don’t think anyone like breaking up.

For the first few days, after realizing the truth, you feel pretty awful. This is definitely the worst part of a break up, and also the part that defines your emotions for the next couple of weeks.

So how do you go about handling a break up?

As thoughts are really hard to control, I’ll give you a “timeline” for your emotions.

I know it might sound a little strange, but it’s how I personally handle the break up, and for that reason, I figure it might be useful for some people.

Here we go:

The first few days I cry my heart out. I let out all of my negative feelings, and do almost nothing more all day than to “think about her”. Whenever I try to slip in a positive thought, I’ll disregard it right away. It’s my privelege to be sad just a few days a year, I’ll explain why later on.

What’s really important in this phase is that you don’t talk to anyone about the break up. At least not more than something like “we’re not together anymore”.

Another really important thing to do is to stop listening to love songs. At this point, you will most likely identify with them, and I know from experience that this can really f**k up your emotions later on.

So just let yourself be as sad as you can, without talking to anyone, and without getting feelings from anyone else than yourself.

Afterwards, if you have followed my advice, you should almost be sick thinking about her. 3 days might not be a long time in a calendar, but in your head, it will almost feel like it’s ages ago you broke up.

You will start realizing that she wasn’t “the one” for you, and that you have your whole life waiting, along with millions of cute girls.

Over the next few weeks, you might have some reoccurring thoughts about her. That’s fine. As long as you realize how bad she was for you, and that you’re not going to get back together.

I think this is the part most guys do wrong. They keep thinking they can get back together, and this makes it incredibly hard to move on.

For a couple of days, try to just “get on with it”. Don’t spend time thinking about her, just live your life like you always have.

After a week or two, you’ll see that you do fantastic without her. You might not be completely “over her”, but you’re definitely on the right path to getting so.

Personally, after about 2-3 weeks, I completely stop thinking about her. Well, not completely, she’s still “my ex”, but I’m by no means sad about the fact that we’re not together anymore.

Soon, I’ll meet another girl, twice as nice, and it’s all uphill from here with happiness. Until we break up.

Life’s strange isn’t it?

General tips on handling the break up

• Stop stroking the banana fantasizing about her. It’s just wrong… AND it tightens your emotional bonds to her. Not good man!
• You’d be amazed what kissing a new girl can do. Start meeting new people as soon as possible.
• Accept that she wasn’t the one. She was just a girl, whatever your brain might tell you. You have a “her” hole in your stomach right now, and you probably think that only she can fill it. But what the hole really is is just a woman shaped hole, and any women can fill it.
• Take control of the situation. Don’t let her define your feelings, only you can do that.
• Start living again. After feeling down for a few days, a week, or maybe more, start living again. If you have always wanted to start playing tennis, now is the time to do it. Or start playing guitar, or start painting. Anything will work, just gain some kind of new passion, or relive an old one.

Why it’s important to be sad at first

This might not work for everyone, but I can only conclude stuff from my own experience, so that’s what I’m going to do.

The reason I choose to be sad at first, is to take control. It’s my choice to cry, she has nothing to do with it. Not directly, anyway.

In my opinion it’s really bad to try to run from your feelings, because you will feel sad. Best just to admit it and let it out.

After those few days, you will also realize that someone that made you so sad, wasn’t right for you. This is also important.

So now to wrap it up, I would like to know one thing.

How do you get over an ex girlfriend / handle a break up?

Let’s start a discussion here!

UPDATE: There are A LOT of comments on this post. A lot of them includes fantastic tips for getting over your girl. I highly recommend reading as many as you can to get a general feel.

Something that has helped a lot of guys here is to simple get on with your life. START HERE. Download the EBOOK REVIEWED HERE.

And as always, contact me for personal advice. On top of that, I highly encourage you to check out my book called “The Ex-Girlfriend Solution”. It includes everything you ever wanted to know about getting over your ex and moving on with your life. It takes you right from the break-up to your new relationship, and it answers all the questions I get all the time like “what to do if she wants to be friends”, “how to avoid being distracted by thoughts about her”, “how to fall asleep when I miss her” etc… Read more about it here!

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Lovely images by lizzie vengeance.

Newspaper columns, blog posts, small talk at the local café; it’s everywhere.

Valentine’s Day. It seems that you have two choices regarding this “special” day in the middle of February. Either you love it, or you hate it.

The arguments usually go something like this:

Typical Negative side: “You should be able to do romantic things every day, and not rely on some specific commercial day.”

Typical Positive side: “It reminds us of love” or “is a great reason to do something special.”

I really see where both schools of thought comes from. But I can’t say I agree more with one than the other.

I think that Valentine’s Day is a little over dramatized. And I know that I contribute to this over-dramatization just by writing this blog post. I’m sorry.

But I just don’t get it.

Why do people care so much?

Let it go! Most of the people negative about this day is usually people who doesn’t get a date for the evening. Change your life instead of taking it out on society.

Maybe next year you’ll get a date, who knows.

Let the shy boy enjoy that today, at Valentine’s Day, he has the guts to invite out the girl he has been exchanging looks with all year.

And I’m sure he’ll have a wonderful evening. And she will too. They’re not thinking about the higher restaurant prices. No, they’re just thinking about who should kiss who first, and when, and all this exciting stuff that you think about when a relationship is new.

Because if you get invited out on valentines day, there’s no mistake. It’s for the looove, baby. And I think that’s great.

I know that the restaurants push the prices a little bit. Let them do it! And if you don’t agree that you should pay more because more people want to eat out, eat out any other day of the year!

Really, I don’t see the problem.

Personally, I spent my Valentine’s with 3 of my closest friends.

We were all hanging out at my apartment, watching some movies, getting a drink or two, and we were just having a great time.

So, I think that we all should just care less. Let the people interested have their Valentine’s. For some people, it means a lot.

And if you don’t agree that Valentine’s is about love, but more about money, just stay at home. There’s a new day tomorrow.

Well, that’s just my thoughts.

What do you think about Valentine’s Day?

Image by scottwills.

Today I am going to give Michael some advice on a little “love declaration” issue.

“I’m in this 4-week relationship, and not everything was going smooth. We were eating out, and during chit-chat, she then suddenly asked me: “well do you love me?” We never actually declared our love before, so I was a bit stunned. What is the appropriate response, if you are not totally head over heels yet?”
- Michael.

Well, this is a tough one. As I don’t know your past – how you met, how you behave together, if you have had sex etc. it’s hard to give a concise answer to your problem Michael. But I am going to give it a try.

What do you want?

With your response, you would want to do two things.

First, you would want to not look like a wussy. Example answer: “Yes, I love you so much; I can’t stop thinking about you”. I can almost guarantee you that she would run away screaming.

But you don’t want to come across as exceptionally cocky, and maybe even evil, either. Example answer: “No, why the hell on earth would you think that?” That would just be rude, and equally bad.

So, I guess we have gotten rid of both the answers yes and no. We need something more subtle.

You said that things weren’t going too smooth, and the “Well do you love me” also implies that she is having some doubt about the two of you. At least that’s how it sounds to me. Or maybe she just wants to know if the two of you have a future together.

Two different answers

Again, without knowing you, it’s hard to give a precise “line” to what you should say. But I think that the following would be a pretty good example.

The good boy:
“I don’t really know. I think that our relationship is too new to say that I love you, but I do like hanging out with you, and would just like to see where things are heading”.
This is not a horrible answer. Not at all, but it hands a lot of power into her hands.

If she doesn’t like you, well, you’re probably going to get hurt. But on the other hand, she might reply with something like “I would like to see where things are headed too”, and then you’re good to go!

By the way she asked, this answer might be what she was looking for. It kind of sounds like she needed some validation that you were (or are) more than friends, and that you are ready to “take it to the next level”.

You could also do a “bad boy” approach.

Bad boy:
Say “no” in a very serious tone, with a very serious facial expression backing it up. Then lean over, and kiss her. This may chock her a little, and this is where you pull back, look deeply into her eyes, and say “I hate you”. Still with a very serious tone. She may laugh. She may blush. She may command a “real” answer. She might get mad. But then it’s up to you…

You really need some “cojones” to pull this off, but if you can, I’ll guarantee that things will be going a lot smoother. If done correctly, it will almost knock her off her chair. At least I know that no guy have ever done this to her before.

But maybe most important of all, you need to discover if you really do love her. Because if you don’t, well, problem solved.

Image by nattu