I guess that most of us have tried to dream about an ex-girlfriend once, twice or even several times in our lives. I just dreamt about one of mine this night.

It was a beautiful dream. It was a summer day, and we were enjoying an ice cream in the park. We were smiling and laughing, and we ended up kissing in the grass. This carries striking resemblance with an experience I had with just this girl once – only it was on the beach and not the park, that’s the only difference.

I have been over this girl for months, but when a dream like that pops up, you have to ask yourself: what does it mean?

What does it mean?

If you had asked me four years ago, I would probably have answered that I might still like this girl. A lot of crazy thoughts would start showing up – thoughts about the break-up, if it was the right thing to do, if I were as good a man with her as I could have been, if we really were meant to be together, etc.

A single dream can spur a lot of thoughts, and one thing leads to another. Most of all, it can lead to a lot of insecurity – which is something we don’t want too much of!

But a lot have changed in the last four years, and today, my thoughts about the dream have been radically different than what I might have thought back then.

First of all, I woke up smiling. Re-living beautiful memories is one of life’s greatest joys, and I appreciate the mere fact that I even dream. I guess we all do, but I think it’s amazing when I can actually remember parts of my dream(s).

Four years ago, when my knowledge was not the same as it is now, I would probably have woken up a little nervous with a lot of questions on my mind. I would probably wander around all day pondering them from time to time, stressing me out unconsciously.

What to do

If you’re like I was about four years ago – having insecure thoughts about stuff like dreaming about an ex-girlfriend, read on.

I must admit that when I first woke up, I did imagine being with this girl again. I thought about some more good memories from when we were together. But after daydreaming for a few minutes, I catched myself doing this, and with a few good inhalations of nice, cool air, it was gone.

I know that me and this girl are over. We’re history. We are history that I am proud of – because I know that at the time, I made nothing but right decisions.

I cherish the time that we were happy, but I have moved on.

My theory on dreams

I have been reading a lot about dreams and what they really mean. There is not a single answer, but a lot of theories point to dreams being a way for us humans to cope with all the thoughts we are having every single day.

In short, dreams are a way for us to categorize experiences, and letting go of things that are, or are not, useful to us anymore. They help us sort out the confusion our minds go through on a day to day basis.

Therefore, dreaming a dream like the one I dreamt tonight probably just means that I am letting some thoughts about this girl fly away into the universe.

I think it’s a pleasant thought that dreams are a way for us to let go of things. It’s the same thing if you are dreaming about your granny who passed away a few years ago.

Even though the conscious you may have gotten over things, the unconscious you may not. Your dream world is a deep dive into the unconscious. If you ask me, this is very exciting stuff.

What to take away from all of this

My conclusion is pretty simple: dreams in their own form mean nothing more than what you want them to mean. They are basically your unconscious mind showing its face at the surface of your conscious mind.

If you dream about something that might trouble you a bit – like an ex lover, it probably just means that you are closer to letting go of her for good.

It doesn’t mean that you should hook up with her again. It doesn’t mean that you made the wrong decision. It doesn’t mean anything.

It’s just a dream. Nothing more! Learn to enjoy it.

Images by Eric Nelsøn, Onkel Wart and Vigil Photography.

It has been 15 minutes since you sent her a text. You just said that you had a great night last night, and asked when you would see her again. You have read it a couple of times after you sent it – was it any good? Could you have done better?

30 minutes passes. You have been checking your cell phone like a maniac. Why hasn’t she replied?!

45 minutes. Now you get all these wierd thoughts that, maybe she wasn’t that into you? But you vibed pretty well, didn’t you? What went wrong?

You start analyzing the evening for mistakes or clues. Nothing. Just a wait a minute! There was this awkward silence, and…

There is no point in continuing the story. You’re a smart guy, you get the point. I’m pretty sure you have been there, too. I know for sure that I have.

It’s a dark, dark place waiting for a text message reply. It downright sucks.

So what is there to do about it?

It’s about a change in mind

The simplest way to say it is this: Stop caring so much!

I know it can be hard. Really hard. But if you don’t want to walk around your whole life and just wait, it is absolutely crucial to learn it.

There will be hundreds of girls. She was just one of them.

This is the attitude you need to take on when you send a text message:

• I don’t really care if she replies to this message. It’s just a text, I’m just a guy, and she’s just a girl.
• It would be nice if she did reply, though, because I think she’s kind of cute and I would like to get to know her better.
• I have better things to do than sitting around and waiting. I have a life. There will be others.
• Now I’ll just live on and accept whatever the outcome may be.

So maybe she will reply. Maybe she never received the SMS. There are 1000 possibilities.

But in the end, it’s all about the amount of importance you lay on her reply. If it honestly doesn’t mean much to you, what’s the big deal?

Don’t check your phone all the time

Guys, this is huge! Try to really become “outcome independent” of your phone.

No, you don’t need to take it with you everywhere you go, just in case…

No, you didn’t just hear your phone. It was probably something else.

No, you don’t need to check it every 5 minutes. And just in case you actually got a SMS, what difference does it make if you don’t read it right away?

Just chill. That’s the basic lesson for today. Don’t take dating so god damn serious!

When to write again

If, after a day or two she still hasn’t replied, it may be time to send another text, just to give it another shot.

Try to not sound too needy. Something along the lines of this should work:

“Hey (girl/nickname), too busy to reply, are you?… That’s just too bad, since I think you’re cute and would like to see you again! :-)

This is not necessarily an example of a good text message, it is just an example. And it may not be your style at all, always remember to ‘be yourself’.

I know it’s old advice, but to be yourself means to be congruent and authentic. Two really important qualities.

What you want to achieve is just some kind of life signal from her side. Maybe she didn’t receive your first text, and in that case, it was a good idea to send her another one.

Maybe she just forgot about it or actually ignored it. If that’s the case, she may reply to this one.

If she doesn’t, is she really worth spending your time and energy on?

I think not.

Third text

If you want to, and she haven’t replied to your second SMS, you can send a third one after a week or something.

A sample could be this:

“Are you alive?”

If she doesn’t text you back after that message, I would just delete her number.

But that’s just me. It’s your call ;-)

Let us hear your stories on waiting for text messages (or calls, for that matter) in the comments.

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Photo by Don Solo.

Oh man, she was an 8.5!

The grading system. Most of us know it, many of us use it. Rating girls from numbers 1-10 based on their looks…

Isn’t it extremely childish? I think so.

Whenever I hear a man talking about that 6, 7, or the rare 10, I just shake my head. Ratings girls is for boys. Not for men.

Because grading is really all about acceptance. You only get high-fived by your pals if she’s an “8″.

Seeking others acceptance is a bad trait. It’s a big red sign of insecurity. And what’s the opposite of insecurity? Confidence.

And what is the number one trait that women look after in a man? Right. Confidence.

My 9.2 could be your 7.6

Just because you think that someone looks good doesn’t mean that I will. And that’s another flaw of this “system”.

Because really, who cares about what I think about the girl that you like?

Stop all the grading and rating.

Numbers are great for calendars. Numbers dictate a lot of stuff in our lives.

But they shouldn’t have anything to say about who we choose to be with!

So I present to you a new system

It’s so revolutionary, you can’t even imagine.

What about grading girls by a yes, a maybe or a no?

If she’s a yes, go get her tiger.

If she’s a no, don’t worry about her.

But if she’s a maybe – you have to change her to either a yes or a no! And how do you do that?

You go over and talk to her!

Simple as that. Find out if she’s a yes or a no. How will you ever know anyway? Going over to talk to her is the only way to be sure. She might have a great personality, a smile you didn’t notice right away, or something else.

If you have talked for a little while, and still isn’t sure, just get her number. Take her out to coffee someday day and continue the conversation. It really is that easy.

What do you think?

Let’s start up a little discussion in the comments – Is it childish, or is it perfectly OK to rate girls?

If yes, why?

Image by max.

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* The “yes, maybe, no” system was not “invented” by me. I first heard it in a David Wygant podcast.