Trust me, I know the feeling. Several years ago, I went deep down into a hole after my girl at the time, Rebecca, and I broke up on a mutual agreement.

We both wanted it, but when I look back, the biggest reason that I did so was to not look weak and needy in her eyes when we discussed it – which in turn was exactly what I did when I weeks later sent her texts saying I wanted her back. That didn’t work out too well, since first of all, she had already begun dating another guy.

I can’t tell you how many times I have kicked myself over this episode. If I had simply manned up at the time and told her that we should work out our quirks instead of breaking up…

Learn from your experiences
Well, you learn from your experiences, right? I certainly did. Ever since that episode, I have started to stand up for things I don’t want to lose in a whole new manner.

I guess that it is wired into our bodies in some way – there’s no way I am going to feel the same regret and emptiness as I did after Rebecca and I broke up again. I just can’t let it happen.

And I won’t let it happen to you, either.

If you and your girl have talked about breaking up, my best and most important advice is to really listen to your heart for what you want. With Rebecca, I didn’t listen to anything but my ego, which taught me a humiliating and painful lesson.

Listen to your heart

Listening to one’s heart is not easy, and it takes a lot of practice to become good at it. But in the end, it pays to familiarize yourself with your most hidden thoughts and feelings.

Don’t make the same mistake I did by acting on some thoughts that I thought was me, but actually wasn’t.

I see the ego as a part of every human being as natural a part of you as everything else. It sits inside you, somewhere, and lets you know what it thinks about everything, all day long. It is the ego that judges both you and others, and it is the ego that makes you do ”selfish” things.

Learning to listen to the ego without acting on its advice is the first step to becoming familiar with your heart. Your heart is the almost exact opposite of your ego: it is filled with nothing but love and pure intentions.

I think that Walt Disney illustrated it pretty damn well with the red devil on one shoulder, and the white angel on the other. The two discuss matters all day long, and it is in part which of them you listen to the most that decides your way through life.

Identify your thoughts

Every time you get a thought in your head that encourages you to act in some way, try to identify where it comes from. The key here is awareness.

What does the thought want you to do? What will happen if you do it? Why would the thought want you to do that?

Think about these things when a thought pops up, and try to identify the answers. There is no right or wrong here.

Let us take an example:

You’re sitting with an ice cream, let’s just say that it is your absolute favourite ice cream, and a good friend of yours asks if he or she can taste it.

A classic response stemming from the ego would be repulsion or an aggressive response. If you tell your friend no, what you accomplish is merely ”more for yourself”, at least in the short run.

The ego always wants more, more of everything. It places your own needs in front of the needs of others.

The thought of giving your friend a taste of your delicious ice cream is on the other hand a thought from your heart. It serves to magnify love, and to create harmony in your immediate surroundings.

Of course you can give him or her a taste, simply to get something in return or to make that person ”owe” you something. If that’s the case, then it’s by no means from the heart. Only the purest intentions come from the heart.

Learning to identify your thoughts like this can help you not only to overcome your ego, but also to act more lovingly and more giving.

The pragmatic way to look at it

Living from your heart can also be viewed in a more pragmatic sense. By giving your all to the people around you, they will see you as a loving person, and in return you will gain more love.

This is the ego’s way of seeing it, but whenever your actions resonate with your heart, you have my accept for doing it anyway.

Giving, especially in the beginning, can be very difficult, and that’s the reason why I ”allow” this kind of behaviour. If you give money to charity, not to help the cause you’re donating to, but to reap personal benefits in one way or the other, that is still ”better” than to restrain from donating or to not give anything at all.

The voice from your heart will become stronger every time you act on it – so keep strengthening it! At some point, acting from your heart will be natural for you, and in this regard, the ego will be ”beaten”.

Breaking up on a mutual agreement

To bring it back to my original point: whether or not to break up with your girlfriend on mutual terms or to fight for the relationship can be broken down into a simple question: are you taking a decision from the ego, or from the heart?

Breaking up, from the ego:

• If you’re doing it from the ego, you may be doing it to, like I did, to not look weak or stupid in her eyes.
• It could also be to avoid facing the potential stress of repairing your relationship.
• It would be from the ego if you want to break up as some kind of revenge.
• Or because you are too lazy to have a girlfriend, and would rather like to sit on the couch all day long sipping bad beer and being miserable.

Breaking up, from the heart:

• A good example of breaking up from the heart would be to let her go so someone else can love her better than you could.
• It could also be if your relationship is too far from the principles of love and respect to ever bring it back into balance.
• It would be from the heart if you hurt each other more than you are able to give.
• It could also be if she has hurt you in some way where you know that you cannot forgive her sufficiently to give her the love she deserves.
• Or if you have nothing left to give, and ending the relationship is the most loving thing to do, since you have already mentally moved on.

Conclusion

The list concludes this post. Deciding to break up, together, is often the best and most honest way to break up. But if what is being said doesn’t come from the heart, there’s a big chance that either you or your partner will end up getting more hurt than necessary. Take the decision from the heart, and from there, you will know what to do.

And by the way, I am aware of the fact that the “How to get over your ex-girlfriend” is down. It is because it has too many comments, and therefore takes too long for the server to load. I am working on a fix, but perhaps you have to be a little bit patient, since I am not near a stable internet connection these days… I can’t even link to Google’s cached version, since they have taken it down due to the downtime. Sorry guys, I work as hard as I can on the problem!
Alex

This post includes the answer to what you absolutely must have to have success with women, and an Astroglide giveaway at the end. Dig in!

There is this one thing that every guy out there has to know to have success with women. Not only is it needed for success – it is also the only real measure of it.

You have to know what you want.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? So did I think at first when I sat around wondering what advice I could give that would actually help. But then I pondered it a bit more. Knowing what you want… It’s the premise for getting anything you want, is it not?

To get what you want, you have to know it first. Otherwise you cannot tell whether or not you wanted it in the first place, right?

Sure, there are exceptions. I could walk out and find a lottery coupon on the street and win a million dollars and have a big fucking smile on my face, without ever having wanted to win the lottery.

Real success

But that’s not real success, anyway. Real success to me is working towards something, learning on the way, and then getting some kind of result. The result could be dissapointing, best example being not hitting it home with a girl, but if you grew in the process I would still call it a success.

Sure, perhaps a bigger one if it actually went real good with this cute girl. But hey, we also learn from our mistakes.

So I know that this is not a long post today folks, but I just really wanted to get it out there. Know what you want. Really know what you want. It is not easy, and it takes more than a few seconds to figure out. Be honest with yourself.

Some of us will never really know, but that is a part of the journey, too.

Don’t just do stuff because it is what you are supposed to do. Think it over. Search deep. Real deep in some cases.

Know what you want, and then go out and get it.

Giveaway:

I am giving away, on behalf of Astroglide, a few things to a lucky reader this week.

Here’s the package:

- 3 Astroglide Products (Astroglide original, Astroglide X Silicone, and Gel)
- Black Astroglide Research and Development T-shirt
- Astroglide Mint Tins
- 1 deck of “Your Ace in the Hole” playing cards

I’ll contact the winner, and all I need is the size of the t-shirt and an address.

Astroglide makes great products. They are also highly endorsed by David Shade. Let’s see who will be the lucky one!

Be good,
Alex

Image by Alessio Disalvo.

You are a man. So am I. So stop apologizing for it. I see it every single freakin’ day – men walking around like pussies, looking into the ground and blaming everyone but themselves for their unsuccessful lives.

It is ALL your fault. I know that this doesn’t sell. And I know that it’s not what you want to hear – but it truly is. You HAVE to start to take responsibility for your own life and for your own actions.

Man up. Grab life by its balls. You have two of them at your disposal – so use them.

• A real man is fucking honest. He speaks his mind freely about things that concern him, but he also takes into regard the feelings of others. He lives by the rule of never harming anyone intentionally (more than needed, of course. In a few cases, like a break up, some ‘harm’ is needed).
• A real man doesn’t need or seek approval from others. You probably know this; so why do you keep doing it? Start living your life with integrity and you will see that you do not need the approval of others; that, in the end, it is ONLY your opinion that matters.
• A real man trusts his instinct and his abilities. But at the same time, he is HONEST about them. If you know that you are not skilled enough to, let’s say, climb a mountain, you have two choices: Either, you learn or acquire the skills needed for the task OR you back out and direct your attention to another matter. It is as simple as this. Two choices, nothing else.
• A real man is totally upfront with his intentions. He doesn’t apologize for being a man and for wanting sex – it’s perfectly acceptable. If he feels that the time is right for getting more physical, he goes for it without hesitation.
• A real man also has only two choices regarding something he fears, like doing a bungee jump. Either he just does it, OR admits that he won’t do it. Usually, we walk away from things we fear with guilt. This is not a choice for the real man, the just keep the change man. Either he TAKES ACTION, or admits that HE WON’T. There’s no middle ground. Really wanting to do something, but succumbing to your fear is WEAK. Don’t be that guy. You will grow if you take one of these two roads, and you will shrink if you pussy out. In 90% of all cases, just do it. Breathe deep, and tell yourself that you’ll live. You will… In the other 10%, be sure that backing out is the smart thing to do. It might be you wanting to approach a girl, but you being too afraid to fuck it up, you freeze like a Popsicle on the south pole. You do nothing, and you beat yourself up over it afterwards. THIS IS WRONG. Either, you approach her, or you admit to yourself that you won’t do it and be happy with it. Maybe, you don’t approach this girl, but smile and say “hey sunshine” the next time you greet that cute girl at your local supermarket instead. But don’t let it become procrastination, instead, learn which battles to fight. Which brings me to…
• Baby steps. A real man takes baby steps. Or at least he takes action. A real man doesn’t sit around on his couch reading advice that he won’t put into practice (if he really believes it, that is… Of course you shouldn’t take advice you don’t believe in at all). But I challenge you to try. How else would you know for sure?

So please, go out NOW and do something that you
a) want to do or
b) fear to do.

Often these two overlap. Start out by smiling and looking every girl in the eyes that you see today. After a couple of times, start saying hello, maybe getting their name in the process. Soon you will find a girl you like, and you will ask her out. No tricks, just you and her. You will go for the kiss, and you will take her home if that’s what you both want.

It takes balls my friend. Good thing you have ‘em.

Living with an open heart means that you experience all experiences fully without denying anything. It is like looking fear in the eye – you stand up for yourself and take up the fight.

The weak man

The weak man will always try to deny his pain. Whether it’s emotional or physical, he will always try to think of anything but the pain.

When running, he will distract himself when it starts to hurt. When faced with criticism, he will try to move on, move around it, forget it or deny it. When a weak man loses something, or someone, he will suppress his feelings; his pain. He will look the other way and distract himself.

On the surface, this approach might look beneficial. Pain is bad, so it must be good not to feel it, no? If just it was so simple…

See, pain is a part of life. And when you reject pain, suppress it, deny it, you also reject, suppress and deny life. And on top of that, pain only grows in denial. So when you reject your pain, all you are actually doing is that you make it grow. And it will grow, grow until it eats you up.

A man living with a closed heart will die bit by bit, every single day.

What to do instead

The honest, courageous man, on the other hand, will face his pain. He will see it for what it is, and do with it what needs to be done: live with it.

He will be open to the world and to the people that love him, and his mind and spirit will be strong.

So try this the next time you are faced with something “bad”, like criticism: stand up for yourself. Breathe at all times to open up the front of your body. And listen.

The same thing applies to loss, whether its in love, death or anything that’s in between: take responsibility. Face the pain. Remain open. Whatever you do, you must remain open.

When you practice openness like this, you will start to see that pain and hurt is just as much a part of life as love and light.. You won’t ever get rid of your pain by denying it, so why not learn to live with it?

The funny thing is that there comes a time, where you will realize that the pain, your pain, is gone. It is just like fear: you won’t ever get rid of it before you face it and fight it.

The way to fight fear is to do what you are afraid of.

The way to fight pain is to live with it, with an open heart.

Always.

What do you think?
What’s your point of view when it comes to pain – is it best to just see it for what it is, or do you believe in denying or suppressing it? Is there a middle road? Let me know what you think in the comments.

By the way, I’m going to Sweden in an hour, I’ll be back in a few days. Take care guys!

Confidence is a strange thing. Some people seem to have it, and some do not. In one moment, you can feel like the most confident man on the planet; in the next, you can feel so low that you don’t even want to get out of bed the next morning.

But why? What is this confidence, and why does it have such a huge impact on our lives? How can we use it to our advantage? These are some of the questions that I will be answering with my next 1000 words. Read on.

Over the years, I have heard hundreds of definitions on what confidence really is, but I do not think that any of them really gets it. Let me explain.

Lots of definitions talk about confidence as a tangible object; as something that can be “achieved”.

I do not think that confidence is measurable. I think that just like love, or hope, confidence just is what it is. It can be explained in a thousand ways, but you won’t ever know what it is before you have experienced it first hand.

I know that all of you have felt confident on many occasions in your life. Think back, when was the last time?

Most likely, it was after an achievement of something. It didn’t even have to be you – it could just be that your favourite football team won an important match.

Just like love or hope, you are always going to have some confidence. Sometimes, it can just be hard to find it. Or even worse: hard to find when you actually need it!

Trust yourself and other people will too

But what is confidence good for, anyway? The word confidence comes from Latin and means “to put one’s trust in someone”, and in this case, it’s yourself. So it’s all about trusting yourself. And here comes the interesting part: people can not trust you, if you do not trust yourself!

So in other words, you got to be confident for people to really trust you. In normal every day settings like going shopping, talking over the phone or doing business, confidence is usually not alpha-omega to “close the deal” and having people trust your word. The interaction is so short that the people you interact with won’t get to know you anyway.

But when it comes to girls…

Confidence means everything

For a girl to really fall in love with you, she has to trust that you will be able catch her! See where this is going?

A girl can not surrender to you if you don’t rest in your own presence. And that’s actually what I think confidence, real confidence, is all about. Resting in your own presence.

Sure, confidence can be faked. But you will know that it’s not real. In the end, you can not fool yourself.

Real confidence comes from the inside

I think that for real confidence, you only need these two things:

Honesty and Acceptance.

If I was to give an explanation of confidence and what it does for a man, I would probably say that confidence is knowing that, whatever happens, everything will be allright. Good, even. Confidence will open all the doors necessary for a man to take all the chances he needs to take. Mix this in with knowing yourself, your limits and being honest about it all, and you have a confident man.

The most confident man in the room is usually not the man yelling the loudest; no, he’s the man that listens and makes people listen. His very presence demands respect. A real and confident man will bring the best out in his peers. He does not only trust himself – he also trusts the abilities of others.

Unfortunately, or fortunately if you want to look at it that way, there is no “10 step program to real confidence”. Sure, you can probably find a way to ‘feel’ confident, but remember; feeling confident is not the same thing as ‘being’ confident.

For you to ‘be’ confident, you have to start your quest right now. Yes, in this very moment. It’s actually quite simple, and there’s only one sentence, three words, you need to live by.

Be your best

No one demands more from you than that. Be your best.

It’s all it takes. Your real confidence will build slowly with the growth, but it’s not the “level” it’s at that matters – the only thing that matters is that you are growing.

A growing man is what we all should aspire to be. Grow every single day (by being the best you can be), and it’s impossible to say where you are tomorrow. Or, actually, not impossible… You are going to be farther down the road, both wiser and better.

If you always strive for your best, growth is inevitable.

This is not to say that you should push yourself all the time – not at all.

This is about getting to know yourself. It’s about getting to know your capabilities and your limits, and nudge ‘em in the right direction, day by day.

What to do

First of all, you are going to have to be patient with yourself. These things take time – or at least, I think that they should. Read my article Don’t go too fast with change for an explanation.

To be a better and more confident man tomorrow, you are going to have to behave like you want to be, right now.

So the next time that you are facing a challenge – physical or mental – do your best. Fight it. Hold out. Be strong.

I can’t tell you exactly what to do, only you know that. But do what you think you should have done yesterday – talk to that girl, get that job done, go to the gym, whatever.

Confidence really only comes from doing. I know that it’s boring, but it’s the damn truth. Rome wasn’t built in one day, and neither was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s body.

And once again, take your time. Real growth happens when you’re just outside your comfort zone, so the next time you get a chance, push yourself just a little.

Trust me, that’s how real confidence is built ;-)

Wonderful images by H.Koppdelaney.

Tell me in the comments how you think that real confidence is built. I’m eager to know your opinion!

I have done it many times: I and my girlfriend broke up, now she’s my ex, and I am kind of over her.

I still think about her, though, and somewhere, I still want her.

Not in the way of driving to her place with a bunch of flowers and confessing my love, no, it’s more like I hope that one day she’ll call me and tell me that she also still wants me.

There’s just one thing… The day never comes.

Being in that is place is what I call the “grey land”, and it’s a very dangerous place.

You’re not really sad anymore, but neither are you particularly happy. You just let life happen, and see what will come next. You could also call it drifting.

How do you know if you are in the grey land?

• You check your phone a little too often to see if there is a text message from her. You’re not totally conscious of it, though. You’re just checking your phone, right?
• You huff and puff of the thought of you too as a couple again, but deep down, you know that you are lying to yourself. You know that, even though you may want other girls, you still want her.
• You wind up thinking about her at the oddest times and letting her distract what you are doing. You might be shooting some hoops, while suddenly you feel that she’s nearby and you lose focus and you stop to look around. Or maybe you’re swimming, or fishing, and your meditation with the activity gets broken of and you have a hard time concentrating again.
• This may be the most common one: you’re kind of looking for her at venues where you know she sometimes goes. This is mostly true if you live (or lived) near each other. And when you secretly look for her, you feel a little ashamed and feel that it’s not quite right.
• And that actually counts for all the points: you feel a little ashamed for still wanting her. And that is exactly what we’ll work on today. There’s no idea in feeling shame; it’s a pretty useless emotion.

In reality, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It’s absolutely normal to still think about your ex from time to time, to look for her and to check your phone a little too often.

Where many men go wrong is just that they won’t admit it; neither to others or to themselves.

They end up pushing the feelings away, instead of embracing them.

They’re actually pushing away a part of themselves, and that’s a pretty dangerous thing to start doing. The next time you feel a little “out of your body”, check in to see if there’s something you haven’t accepted entirely – if there’s something you still don’t quite believe.

As I said, this issue is very common, so (again) don’t feel ashamed.

The first step is plainly to acknowledge and accept that yes, you still have some feelings for her. It’s okay!

At the same time, you also know that those feelings won’t last forever. They usually disappear (almost) entirely when you meet someone new, or simply when some time has passed. This may be tomorrow, this may be next week, or it might be in three months. No one knows – and it really doesn’t matter!

Because it’s easy living with your feelings, as long as you accept them. Good feelings and bad feelings; they’re all good! Because they are simply just that, feelings.

You can’t control your feelings directly

Feelings are beyond your direct control. So don’t think too much about it, just let them be, and be totally honesty about it.

You may never get entirely over your ex, but don’t let that scare you.

It doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to love again, you most certainly will. It just means that she meant a great deal to you, and that you will never forget her.

Yes, she may have been a bitch (especially when things ended between you two), but despite that, she was and is an incredible woman. And that fact should make you smile; you have been with an incredible woman!

So with a smile on our lips, let’s look at…

The 7 ways to stop waiting and hoping for your ex girlfriend to text or call you (and get out of the grey land)

• 1. Acknowledge your situation. This is hugely important, because if you don’t accept your feelings, the healing process will take a lot longer and you won’t gain as much insight as you would otherwise. So simply take some time to really understand your feelings, I encourage you to write it out.
• 2. Make simple rules for yourself. Checking your phone a lot is a common habit when you are in the grey land, but don’t let that scare you. Strength and willpower is all it takes to get over it. Make simple rules for yourself like, “only check the phone three times a day” or just don’t have it nearby all the time. Don’t be afraid to let it stay at home some days. It’s all about getting more unattached to that little device called a phone…
• 3. Don’t contact her. At all. The no contact rule means no contact; and I’ve heard the excuse before where guys say “what if she needs help” or similar – it just doesn’t cut it. She has friends and family, let them handle her now when you’re not together anymore.
• 4. Meet someone new. Don’t start dating if you feel that you aren’t ready, for some it may take some time (especially if you and your ex was together for a long time). It’s not fair to the new girl if you’re dating her just because you want to get over your ex: date her because you like to date, and you like her. If those two are in check, the healing process can really quicken up. When you meet someone new, you suddenly realize that your ex wasn’t as good as you maybe have idolized her to be – in other words, starting dating again can really bring things into perspective.
• 5. Give up hope and realize that it’s over. This more aggressive approach will work better for some than for others, but it certainly can work. Pinch yourself every time you catch yourself thinking about her, and say to yourself that it’s over.
• 6. Give it time. All healing takes time, and when it comes to love, it can take a lot of time. Give yourself all the time you need, and don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s totally normal to have problems getting over an ex, what many fail to realize is just that you tend to make it worse if you don’t accept it.
• 7. Accept and don’t suppress. So even though I’ve already said it, I say it again. Accept it. Accept all your feelings, and be very honesty with yourself. I can only guide you to the right road – it’s you who have to follow it. It’s your life, so live it on your terms. You are the master and the only one who’s in control. Use it.

My friend David Deida says that you should rather live with a heart in pain than a heart that is closed off, and I whole (heartedly) agree with him.

The whole idea of getting out of this grey land is that she’s a distraction to you, and distractions are seldom any good. As I have stated many times, it’s perfectly normal to still have thoughts about her from time to time, but when it becomes a problem and an annoyance, it’s time to take action.

It’s possible to become attached to the mere thought of her

Sometimes you grow attached to the thought of her, even though you don’t even want her. It’s like you create this image in your mind that everything will be perfect if you get back together.

It’s just that, in the relatively unlikely event that you actually do get back together, nothing will get fixed. Learn to enjoy your situation as it is right now instead. Be grateful for what you have!

It’s the road, guys, not the goal. Keep that in mind.

And while you’re at it, embrace pain, accept your losses, and move on. There’s a new day tomorrow!

See you soon guys.

Your friend in love and pain,
Alex Kay

Also, I highly encourage you to check out my book called “The Ex-Girlfriend Solution”. It includes everything you ever wanted to know about getting over your ex and moving on with your life. It takes you right from the break-up to your new relationship, and it answers all the questions I get all the time, like “what to do if she wants to be friends”, “how to avoid being distracted by thoughts about her”, “how to fall asleep when I miss her” etc… Read more about it here!

Image by cambiodefractal.

There are no rules when it comes to dating. Make up your own. Do what works for you. Don’t do what some dude on the internet tells you to do. Take it into consideration, and then take it from there. Got it? Good.

Although there are ‘no rules’, it is generally a good idea to follow some ideas and some principles. Here are 12 of them for your reading pleasure.

1. Be honest.

Now I know that this may not be what you expected. But I got to be honest with you – being honest is truly the best dating advice you will ever get.

Being honest, not only with her, but also with yourself, opens up so many gates and possibilities – you have no idea before you actually try it.

Being honest opens for expression. When you express yourself, truly, you open up a part of yourself. You show her the real you, and that’s vulnerable.

And it all leads to trust. Trust with a woman is one of the key ingredients to having a fulfilling relationship, no matter its nature. Whether you want a one night stand or a girlfriend, you need to have her trust.

So be honest, at all times. I wrote an article a while back which can be found here:
Start Being Brutally Honest with Yourself and Others. Also check out this recent article called Why Bohemian Painters are Sexy as Hell and How You Can Become That, Too, it’s all about expression.

2. Express your true feelings and desires.

This builds upon being honest; they compliment each other very well.

Again, this is not what most “pick up artists” would tell you, but tell her that she looks stunning, because damn! She’s a woman, and that is what she does best.

Not to say that women can’t do other things, I am a big believer in equal rights etc. All I am saying is that generally, women are fabulous, stunning, and the best creation on this planet.

So appreciate them, and TELL them! Compliment your woman, even if you have been together for 10, 20 or 30 years. Tell her that she looks just as hot as she did when you first met.

Tell her on the first dates that she looks gorgeous. Not in an insecure way to gain approval; no, tell her because you appreciate her beauty.

Some guys can pull of saying something like “I want you right now” when out on a date, and that’s fine. It’s just not me.

I would rather be suggestive with my eyes and general body language. Hold the eye contact a little longer than comfortable. Look her in her eyes, glance at her lips, and then back to the eyes. She’ll know what you mean (and want)…

3. Tell her with your body.

Again, this builds on the previous one.

Use your whole body to communicate, don’t rely just on your words. Your body is much better to get the message through ;-)

• Take her for a dance in the living room, women love to dance.
• Spin her around and give her a big kiss.
• Give her the warmest, biggest bear-hug ever.
• Massage her.
• Play with her hand and fingers.
• Tickle her.

These are just playful suggestions, use them or don’t. What is important here is to practice using your whole body instead of just your mouth.

A lot can be communicated with nothing but the eyes, really.

If you feel you could use some body-communication work, do this exercise called the “Silent Day”:

Go about your day as you normally would, do your shopping etc. But don’t say a word the whole day. This doesn’t work too well if you work at an office or go to school, so do it on a weekend.

By not saying a single word, you’ll be much more aware of your own gestures and body language.

4. Know how to kiss

As a female reader wrote me a couple of days ago:

“I am especially glad you emphasize how to kiss well, since this is very important to girls. It’s not uncommon for girls to avoid or dump an otherwise cool guy because he’s a bad kisser. Big, permanent turnoff.”

She said it best… But basically, a good or bad kiss can really make or break ‘the deal’. Check the articles on kissing already published on the site here:

• Kissing A Girl for The First Time – When and How?
• Be a Great Kisser – How To REALLY Kiss a Girl
• How To be The Perfect Kisser
• The 5 Most Common Kissing Mistakes Men Make
• 5 Tips on Kissing Passionately from 5 Women

I would also recommend signing up for the free dating newsletter at the bottom of this post; one of the first articles you will see in your inbox is a very good one on kissing!

5. Don’t take her crap and pass her tests

I wrote a whole post on it here: Dealing With Her Tests – How To Gain Instant Attraction

Women test men. It’s not strange, seriously, how would you go about knowing which one of the 20 guys that approaches you in a night is good enough for you?

Of course you would test them in some way. And not by simple interview questions like, let’s say, “are you honest and authentic?”, “are you confident?” or my personal favourite “are you good in bed?”

All men would just say yes. There is no real truth in that, it is much better for her to test for it in a more subtle way.

Subtle tests women use and how to handle them

It can be as easy as her seeing how you react if she starts talking about sex. She can also see how you treat other people when you’re out. It could be about a lot of stuff.

The best way to handle the tests is to be totally honest all along. Being yourself is a true and tested advice, so don’t go about reinventing the wheel.

That also means don’t hide your desires – be in charge, and don’t be ashamed.

It is often said that the one with the strongest reality “sucks” the other people in. When it comes to dating, use it like this: If you have the strongest “frame” (reality perception), she almost won’t have a choice with you; you’ll be in charge all along.

That means that if you’re really confident, you can do almost anything you want, whenever you want to. So just kiss her! Don’t hesitate if that’s what you want.

Being in charge of yourself like that is very sexy to women.

6. Be chivalrous in public, but an animal behind closed doors

Always open doors, walk on the outside of the curb etc.

If you take on the ‘male’ role like that, she’ll have an easier time feeling like a real woman. Don’t you just love that feminine radiance and glow?

But don’t carry the chivalry into the bedroom. “Can I assist you taking off that bra?”… not going to happen.

All over the place…

Be more of an animal instead. Wild, loose and all over the place.

Do some unexpected things. Kiss her like you never have before. Whisper in her ear. You get the picture.

Check out some of David Shade’s stuff if you’re interested in getting that part of your “game” handled, he’s really good. Follow the link and you’ll also find an interesting video…

7. Take good care of yourself.

Although women generally don’t get turned on by your looks as much as your personality, they care abot how you take care of yourself.

Any man can become sexy if he is well-groomed, has some well-fitted clothes, a healthy tan and a trained body.

Do what you can

So do what you can: Get your teeth fixed, eat more vegetables, spend some dollars on a pair of Levi’s, get outside and run… You’re a smart guy; you know what I’m talking about.

You don’t have to become the healthiest guy on the planet, just take baby steps to get there and show her that you care about yourself. And of course, it’s for your own sake first and foremost.

8. Don’t compromise yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t put her needs before yours.

Even if she says that she would like you to stay home instead of going out with the boys, that’s not what she wants deep down inside.

This presupposes that you told her a couple of days in advance, though, and that she is not sick, ill or in a mood where she really needs your company.

The anti-war climax

This is the same phenomenon taking place when she tells you that she don’t want you to leave for war when you are a soldier.

What she wants deep down is for you to follow your own path and goals and to always put those before her.

So even if you stay at home instead of doing what you really think you should do, you’ll compromise yourself, and in the long road it will be bad for you, for her, and for the both of you as a couple.

So remember this: Listen to yourself and let yourself be the one making the decisions. Take her words into consideration, she may have something useful to add, but always decide for yourself.

This can also be in a small scene like choosing which restaurant to eat at. So keep it in mind. Be in charge!

9. Don’t become clingy and needy

What all women want is a man who is strong, confident and independent. No one wants a wuss boy who clearly sets her needs before his own. It’s just wrong.

So don’t call her all the time. Don’t bring flowers on every date.

Instead, be more of a challenge. Be a little mysterious. Be sexy!

Check out the post I wrote a while ago titled Why Gifts and Flowers don’t work for Creating Attraction – Only for Amplifying it.

Here’s a small excerpt from that article:

“See, I thought that by giving a woman gifts, she would like me more. She would think that I was generous, sweet, and all these words that I linked to gaining a woman’s love.

But instead, the complete opposite happened. On the outside, she would become happy. She would hug me, smile, and say thanks.

On the inside, she was hugely disappointed. I killed the attraction. All women basically want to be attracted to you. They want to fall in love. They want to have amazing relationships.”

Also read the hugely popular post Why Bad Boys get all the Hot Women, and Nice Guys don’t even get close, I think you will learn a thing or two.

Basically what that article boils down to is this:

The balance between bad boy and nice guy looks something like this:

• You are dominant without being domineering.
• You are masculine without being macho.
• You are forthright and trustworthy.
• You are considerate without being placating.
• You are strong yet gentle.
• You are mysterious without being deceiving.
• You are exciting without being reckless.
• You are sexually exciting in the bedroom and a gentleman in the living room.

If interested, read some of the comments on that post. They’re good!

10. Have a powerful voice

Having a powerful voice is often underestimated when it comes to dating and life in general.

It is our first, foremost and most direct communicator, so wouldn’t it make sense to improve it?

In the article How To Use Your Voice to Project More Confidence, I share some tips to strengthen your authority while speaking:

• In the article mentioned above, scroll down for some specific voice training exercises. They will help you get a fuller, deeper (sexier!) voice.
• Speak with confidence (know what you are talking about).
• Only say something when you have something to say.
• Speak slow, have the confidence in yourself that people will still listen to you even if you add small pauses, and…
• Pronounce every word. No mumbling!
• Use hand gestures to enhance what you are saying.
• Stand straight (have good posture)
• Talk louder. Most people would benefit from this; just don’t become obnoxious in any way. Talk loud enough for everybody to hear you.
• Be a better breather. This is alpha-omega to speaking powerfully, so check out the article on breathing here: Start Breathing When It Matters The Most and Get More.

11. Move with purpose and confidence

The way you carry yourself says a lot about you. And even though you may not be aware of it, she notices.

The way you use your hands when you talk, the way you look at her and others, the way you walk, the way you sit… She notices and interprets it all.

Instead of working on all the details, like holding your drink just right, focus on the big thing instead: Be yourself and be proud.

This translates to being confident in ‘date talk’. A confident person will always move and carry himself just right.

While working on getting more confident, there are a couple of body language tips that apply pretty generally:

• Take up space. Spread your legs and reach out with the arms. A non-confident person will always try to fill as little space as possible because he does not feel worthy. But you are worthy! So take up all the space you need. That doesn’t mean you have to be rude, though.
• Hold eye contact. Breaking eye contact is a typical weakness indicator. Try to look the person in the left eye while talking, for him or her it will more intense, and for you it’s easier to hold the focus than looking into both eyes. Experiment a little to see what fits you, but for god’s sake, hold the eye contact!
• Carry yourself tall and with good posture. You have probably already heard it a thousand times. Another one doesn’t damage you: Stand tall! Shoulders back! Chest up! Slouching makes you look very unattractive, so just avoid it altogether. It’s bad for your back and general health, too. Practice by standing with a book on top of your head, or by aligning the back of your head, your shoulders and your butt up a plain wall. That’s pretty good posture. I know it’s tedious to walk around like that all day, but you just have to build the habit, and soon it won’t be tough at all. Or well, at least not as tough. Actually, why don’t you start right now? Sit up. Shoulders back. Head high. Just do it. Now! :-)

12. Accept, let go and move on

I got to be tough with you here: It won’t last. 99% of all relationships fail, that’s a fact and a part of life. But instead of seeing it as a failure, learn to see it as an accomplishment. Learn to look at all you gained and learned, and suddenly it won’t be as bad to break up with someone.

Sure, you’ll feel sad. I do too; it’s completely normal. Learn to accept that too.

Give yourself the time you need to move on, but be sure never to stall. If you get dumped, don’t dwell on it. Truth is, there is not much you can do about it anyway.

If you need help getting over your ex girlfriend, the post How To Get Over Your Ex Girlfriend should be of assistance as well as over 900 (yes, 900!) comments.

I would actually go to the length of saying that this is the most important “rule” on this entire list. Learn to accept, let go and move on.

That cute girl didn’t call you back? Call her again the next day, and then let it go. Seriously, she’s not worth your time! That girl you met at the grocery store didn’t seem as friendly when you met again as the first time? That’s her problem, not yours!

If you just work on yourself, don’t dwell on the small details. You are doing everything right.

Get the mindset that basically, it’s their loss. You offered what you had, and they declined. Too bad! You do not want to be with a girl who doesn’t like you, anyway.

Here’s a post I wrote a while back on accepting yourself and letting go: Accept Yourself: How To Let Go of Bad Emotions and Feelings. As always, check out the comments.

Conclusion

That is all from me this time, I hope you learned a thing or two.

The 12 things were the following: Be honest, express your true feelings and desires, tell her with your body, know how to kiss, don’t take her crap and pass her tests, be chivalrous in public but an animal behind closed doors, take good care of yourself, don’t compromise yourself, don’t become clingy and needy, have a powerful voice, move with purpose and confidence and last but not least accept, let go and move on.

As always, I would very much like to hear your thoughts in the comments. Do you have some additional advice? Some critique? Make sure to let me (and everybody else) know.

Also make sure to also sign up for the free dating newsletter, it’s getting pretty popular :-)

Thanks for readings this far!

/Alex over and out.

Thanks to the lovely photographers ..Muha, Prabhu B, Cuellar, Mumbley Joe, Kiwêhowin, Lujaz, Visualpanic, Mortimer and Immagina.

A woman will always test you. She will test you for your masculinity, she will test for your strength; she will test to see if you’re (still) the man she’s seeks and craves.

Testing men is a woman’s secret tool. She wants you to pass the tests, but she will make it as difficult for you as she can.

To understand this, we have to dig a little into female psychology. We have to know what a woman of a feminine essence wants (masculine women also exists, but their wants and needs are a bit different.)

What a woman wants

She wants a strong man. That means she wants a man with a strong masculine essence. A masculine essence is defined by an ongoing pursuit for freedom – you don’t have to know or understand what that means, just keep it in your mind while reading on.

A masculine man is authentic. And he’s honest. And that my friends, is actually all you need.

If you answer to all her tests with authenticy and honesty, you’re going to pass them. And passing a test is the fast-lane to a woman’s heart (and pussy).

Let’s just be friends

This is probably the most important and most common test of all. Usually, she’s not testing you consciously.

It can come up on the first date, at the tenth, under sex, after two years; it really doesn’t matter. What matters is how you deal with it.

I can remember it quite vividly. I was out on a date with a lovely lady – her name was May. She was half Asian, half Caucasian, a short but really beautiful girl.

We had walked around in a park, hand in hand, for about 20 minutes, until I suddenly felt her energy change. She pulled away, looked at me, and stopped. It didn’t seem real at the time;

“Let’s just be friends.”

I was quite surprised. I was blown away for a few seconds, but then looked into her eyes and said the following:

“You know we can’t, sweetheart. And even if you insist on being just that, I will always chase you. I am attracted, and will be as long as I am in love with you. Come here.”

I grabbed her and kissed her. It was a good kiss, and we never talked about being just friends again. In fact, I think I was with her for about 4 months. It could also have stopped right there in the park.

So why did we continue being lovers and not friends?

I was being honest. I was being authentic. I was being vulnerable. And at the same time, I was being strong.

This might not have been a particularly good example, but it was the first one that came to my mind. It’s all about how I handled it.

I could also had lied both to her and to myself and said that yeah, we could just be friends. That would be “fine”. And I would have continued chasing her – but most likely never gotten her again.

Instead I was being honest and authentic. I spoke from my heart. And it couldn’t have worked better. This works with almost any test a woman can throw at you.

Another common test

Women can often test you early by trying to throw you out of your own “frame”. You could say that you frame is the mindset you come in with. It’s your masculinity. It’s your core. It’s what you work from in every interaction. It’s the underlying theme of everything you do. You’re frame is your reality.

A woman can easily throw a man out of his frame by saying something like “Are you a player?”

If you’re a weak man- a wussy, you’re going to go into a strong defensive position. You’re going to tell her that No! Of course you’re not.

A stronger man is most likely going to do one of the following things:

• Throw it right back at her. Ask her if she’s a typical blonde.
• Tell her that you’re going to answer that question later, and continue the conversation.
• Say that yeah, you play… sports, and continue the conversation.
• Or the easiest one: Just ignore it and continue the conversation.

You see what I’m getting at? The stronger male is not going to step out of his own frame. The weaker man most likely is, and being thrown off like that is not a particularly good sign to send to a woman about all your good qualities.

Buy me a drink

When a woman asks you to buy her drink, it may not be a conscious test from her. She may just want a drink. But you can definitely use it to your advantage.

By knowing what you know now, you won’t step into her reality. You will stay in your own reality (frame), and draw her in.

A really good reply would be to look deeply into her eyes, smirk, smile like the game is on! And say that she can buy you a drink. I can not guarantee you that she will do it, but it’s a much better reply than just doing it. You don’t want to be the guy getting the girls drunk, just so they can go home and sleep with all the other men. Trust me, sitting alone at 4am, without any money, without any women, just memories about the guys they went home with… You don’t want to be that guy!

Instead; be honest. You don’t want to buy her a drink. Actually, it would be kind of nice if she bought you one.

Don’t draw it to the extreme

This does not mean that you should ever do anything for anyone.

If your woman asks you to go out with the trash, you should not say no just for the sake of “staying in your own frame” or some crazy shit like that.

Relationships are built on mutual respect, cooperation, and of course love. And lots of other stuff. That’s not the point.

The point is actually that you should never draw anything to the extreme. It’s all about doing the right thing(s) at the right time. It’s all about calibration.

Personally, I can step out of my own “reality” or “frame” or whatever once in a while to do the dishes. Or go out with the trash. This is a really attractive quality. But that’s just because I want to make life a bit easier for the girl in my life once in a while.

I can also do it without she even asks me to do it – just doing it out of my own free will. I know that she will sometimes do the same. I know that if we have this relationships were we do stuff for each other, I might wake up with a hangover to a freshly made burger. Just because she cares!

So guys, handle all tests she gives you with authenticy and honesy. But don’t draw it to the exteme, and have some common sense while at it.

Remember that tests are a beautiful thing. It lets you stay “on top of your game”. Learn to recognize these tests as opportunities – and then be sure to pass them.

Please do report any thoughts or stories in the comments – and as always, questions are highly welcome.

Stay cool!
Alex

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Top image by dlemieux, rest by Ferran.

Do you know what all women are looking for? Of course you do. You just don’t believe them when they say that they want a “confident man, who is himself”

Most guys just dismiss it by saying something like “Yeah yeah, whatever. I know those bitches just want a good looking guy with a lot of money”.

If you’re on of those guys, I’m sorry to tell you this, but they’re talking the truth. You just don’t get it. Looks and money really aren’t that important.

What women are really saying is that they want a strong man, who is honest with himself and others. There is more to it than this, but it’s the basic idea.

Honesty is sexy

Honesty is one of the most attractive qualities you can possess.

You can also call it “living from the heart”. Being brutally honest is incredibly hard.

There are exceptions to every rule, even when it comes to being honest.

But straight forward lying is almost never a good idea. Maybe if you only think of the short-term consequences lying is great. But in the long run, it doesn’t work.

It’s almost impossible to really be in and enjoy the moment if you’re a liar. You always have to think about what you have said, you always have to remember your stories.

Lying is a sure-fire way to get unhappy.

But before being honest bears any fruit, you also have to be proud of the things you have done.

If you’re a thief that steals stuff all day long, and you say to yourself that you will start to tell everyone about it and being really honest, you won’t get too many positive replies from people. Sorry!

But if you start living a great life where you give love unconditionally, you can be proud of your achievements. And this is where it’s fucking great to be honest.

Just say everything exactly as it is, without directly hurting anyone.

Telling some random fat guy that he is fat is not going to save the world. Please, don’t do that. He needs to realize it himself. You can help him with that, though. But be very careful.

Giving without taking

It’s really all about the giving.

Don’t try to take things from people. Love, respect, anything. Give instead. You don’t have anything to lose; you’re ability to love is never ending.

For years, I held my emotions hidden to my parents. I could come home, lock my door, and just sit in my room crying over something. If my mother knocked on the door and asked if something was wrong, I would lie. I would say that everything was fine.

I got into a really bad cycle of keeping things inside.

But when I realized the importance of opening my heart, I started being honest with my mom. She has also started to open up to me, and this has created one of the best relationships I have ever had with anyone.

Same thing about my friends. For years, I would lie to them and tell them things were fine etc., but now, I know I can tell them anything.

When you start being honest with everyone, you also find out who your real friends are.

And most important, you get to know yourself. You don’t have all these layers of crap inside you. Being honest is a perfect excuse for cleaning up inside.

Try it, and let me know how it goes!

As always, get the new posts for free by giving me your email on this page. No bullshit. No spam.

Image by code poet.