After being in a relationship for a while, many guys (and girls too, for that matter) have a tendency to take things for granted. When you stop being as excited about your girl as you where when you first met her, it is the beginning of the end.

I have a theory that in every single moment of every single day, the attraction between you and your girl either increases or decreases. Small fluctuations are perfectly fine. Liking each other more every single day is impossible. It just shouldn’t get too low, as it will inevitably lead to less attraction and sexual polarity between you.

This we don’t want. The purpose of this article is to give you some tips to keep the spark in your relationship. Who doesn’t want to stay in love? It’s an incredible feeling – and in my opinion, mundanity and mediocrity is to be avoided as much as possible.

• 1. Really like her
  The first step to keep – and have – any kind of spark in any relationship, is to really like the girl. In my experience, you have to think that she is more than just sweet, beautiful and easy-going. A great rack or a cute face is seldom enough to keep it interesting. You have to really like her. She has to be special to you. Irreplaceable. Something about her that takes your breath away and makes your heart beat faster when she’s around.
• 2. Notice the small things
  Notice the small things about her and appreciate them. She is an amazing creature to be cherished. Notice her toes, her navel, the small of her back, her neck, her ears and her birthmarks. Learn to love them. My philosophy is that if you can’t change something, you have to learn to love it. Accept every single part of her as a part of something beautiful and lovely. Notice the way she moves, the way her lips form her words, the way her hair sways in the wind. Start to appreciate the details, and don’t be shy of telling her. If you like the way her cheeks blossom, put it into words. Smile with her, and then kiss her.
• 3. Give more than you take
  It is very important to give more to the relationship than you take. Be present when you are with her and give her your masculine gift as much as you possibly can. I first stumbled over the concept of the masculine gift in David Deida’s ”The Superior Man”. It’s a phrase that covers the gift that you, as a masculine man, can give to the world. It includes decisiveness, purpose and strength. When she is closing down emotionally, you have the ability to help her by opening her into love. Lift her up, spin her around and kiss her. It is when she seems most dark she needs you the most. Aspire to keep her blossoming and dissolving in love.
• 4. Make each other better
  For any relationship to stay interesting and relevant, you have to make each other better. This ties in with giving more than you take. You offer her your masculine gift, and she offers your her feminine gift. Appreciate the way she is able to soothe your mind after a hard day at work, or the way she inspires you to live your life fully. If she doesn’t offer you anything of value, why stay together?
• 5. Keep it sexy
  Keep it sexy. Keeping it sexy is mainly about taking initiative. Don’t be afraid of making any moment a sexual one. Feel through her when you nibble her ear and whisper to her that you want her right now. You seducing her is in one way or the other the reason you are together – so don’t forget to keep doing it. Offer her a massage once in a while. Even if you don’t feel like massaging her for an hour straight, doing things like that which requires an extraordinary effort can really keep things hot. Invest in her, and she will invest in you. When she arrives home from a stressful day, guide her to the bathtub and soak her in warm water, while serenading her with a slow song you have learned on guitar. When you do stuff like buying her a birthday present, give it some thought. Don’t just give her the first and best thing that pops into your mind.
• 6. Remember why you fell in love with her
  This one doesn’t even need much wording. Think back to when you first met – why do you even like this girl? Try to see the same things now that you did back then. Talk with her about the first time you kissed or the first time you danced, and try to evoke some of the same old feelings you used to have.
• 7. Don’t focus your life on her
  A mistake many guys do when they settle is that they lose their edge. Don’t stop seeing your friends. Don’t stop working out. Don’t stop giving it your all when it comes to your career. Don’t lose your hobbies. In fact, don’t change. Keep doing the things that turn you on – and don’t focus your life on her. Remember your purpose and go with that. Deep down your woman knows that she can’t be the most important thing in your life. Your purpose has to come before her, or you will both be dissatisfied in the long run.

Conclusion

The conclusion to all this is that when you find a great, or more than great, girl, and you want to stay with her, it takes a little effort. As everything else worth collecting. Do the small extra things for her, appreciate her fully and don’t take her for granted. On top of that, keep your life interesting and don’t lose your edge.

These are my best tips. Now I would like to know what you do to keep your relationships interesting and sexy? If you would be so kind, leave a comment and tell me!

Image by Alex Dram.

Once in a while, you meet someone who has got that little bit of extra. It’s pretty hard to define, she just has it. She is amazing and beautiful. She makes you smile.

She can turn up everywhere, anytime. At a party where you see her dancing and laughing with her friends like a silly little girl. On the streets where she drops something and looks all helpless. At a supermarket or in a shop where she just looks like she has it all together, rocking a super-sharp business suit and high-heels.

You do not see one of these women every day, noooo sir. At least that would surprise me. If you do, leave me a comment and tell me where you live, I’ll get there pronto!

And when you get to know her, she is still super cool. Even cooler, actually. Usually, she is special in some way. Rockin’ the guitar, painting like Picasso, an amazing dancer, Counter-Strike geek or just sweet as honey. Besides being beautiful, these girls usually have something else to them. Sometimes you can define it, sometimes you can’t. But you know you like it.

The mistake I see over and over again

I want to talk about what to do when you meet one of these women. Most likely, you do not fall for her the first time you see her. I do believe in ’love at first sight’, it is not impossible, but for the most part you will not start really liking a girl after at least a few times talking to her and/or being around her.

The mistake I see over and over again is that men fail to take action when one of these women swing into their lives. No, scratch that. I see two mistakes. First one is lack of taking action. The second one is almost as critical: putting her on a pedestal. Now this might sound counter-intuitive, after praising these women to the sky and beyond, but let me elaborate.

Don’t put her out of your reach!

All people are equal in value. That is our starting point. A beautiful woman is not worth more than an ugly one. We as individuals place those adjectives on them, it is not something they are, it is something we think they are. You may like beautiful women more than ugly women, and that is perfectly good, healthy and natural. After all, it is you who think that she is beautiful. Someone might just as well think that the girl you think is ugly is the most beautiful woman in the world. (I am aware of the fact that some women by the definition of the masses are more attractive than others, but let us look past that for just a moment.)

She’s only human

So what I want you to avoid when you meet one of these amazing women is to put her on a pedestal. You can raise her above others in the sense that she does something for you, but not more than that. No matter how divine-looking and  how much she smells of flowers and heaven, she is still just a human being. She is a woman with some of the same problems as everybody else.

Most likely, this woman knows she is good. People have most likely told her that she is beautiful all her life. What she wants is not another ass-licker.

She wants a man who also does something for her. She wants an equal. If her self-esteem is at the right place, she knows what she can get and how she can get it. I bet that you want her to want you.

So why doesn’t she want you?

Here comes a real shocker: how do you know? How do you know, really, that she does not want you?

Let me tell you this. The women we are talking about here are not like many other women. They do not settle for less than they know they are worth. Sometimes, you can mistake this trait for arrogance, and sometimes it is, but admit it: you kind of dig that about her. You like that she does not make out with half the club and that she is a challenge. You like that she most likely does not have sex on the first date. She takes a little bit of work, and she is all worth it.

And she doesn’t do these things to get an ego boost by keeping guys waiting. She is all above that. She does them to test you. That’s right. Test you to see if you are man enough for her and know what you really want.

Most of the guys in her life most likely haven’t had a clue what they have been doing when they were with her.

You

You are different. What you do when you meet this girl is that you are totally authentic. You know what you are and what you want. You are honest. That alone will set you apart from most other guys. You are upfront with your intentions.

What I want you to do

So what I want you to do when this woman comes by is to muster the courage to walk up to her and say hi. No tricks, no gimmicks. Let it flow, make her laugh, smile and look her in the eye. Relax, have fun.

You do not have to be nervous when talking to her, because you know that she is just like every other girl. And to top that, some guy, somewhere, is most likely tired of fucking her. Think about that for a minute.

What you shouldn’t do

What you shouldn’t do is to raise her above everybody else. And especially before getting to know her.

These women can make your life everything you’ve ever wanted. But they can also make it hell. The women you like the best are most likely the women who can fuck you up the most as well. Tread carefully if you are afraid of getting hurt.

I personally think that you should not be. Open yourself and accept whatever comes your way. Learn from your experiences. But it’s up to you. Just know what you are doing!

Bonus:

Usually, I do not like the advice from most PUA’s (pick-up artists), but I heard of an ’opener’ (way to start a conversation with a girl) worth mentioning. She has to sit by herself and look bored, or at least looks like she is not having any fun. Anyway, what you do is walk up to her. Do not look at her directly. Instead, look around her like you’ve lost something (think a pair of keys). Look all around her, underneath her, beside her, behind her. After you have looked around her, her curiosity will be sparked. Look her directly in the eyes, and say something along the lines of ”I am looking for a smile, can you help me find it?”

If you have got luck on your side and you do it right, she should smile right back at you. Even if you don’t take it any further than that, you will still have made a girl smile, and that by itself is pretty amazing. And continuing with some light banter and fun conversation should not be too hard, either. I think it’s a fun ’opener’ and I will definitely try it out when I get the chance. Unlike most other PUA material, this one is cute and authentic. It’s a way to open up a girl who would not otherwise have been interested in talking to you (if she were down in some kind of way and not willing to start a conversation with a stranger). She may also just look at you like you are some kind of weirdo, but hey, that’s a chance you have got to be willing to take. You win some, you lose some.

I’ll be sure to let you how it goes when I get to try it out.

Take care!

Images by Vincent Boiteau, Mark Sebastian, Alex Dram, San Diego Shooter and Daily Misery.

It’s called looking her in her eyes.

Ever since I have given women intense eye contact while being with them, my love life has completely transformed.

Old, rugged sex without passion suddenly turns into hot all-night sessions.

Now don’t get me wrong – there’s more to women than just looking them in their eyes. It’s not a magic trick, but it is a necessity.

And not all eye contact works the same – a creepy stare is for many females one of the biggest turn offs. So read on, and learn how to give a woman some sexy eye contact. It’s one of the most important things you’ll ever learn.

Why eye contact works

There is a big difference between locking eye contact and staring. Staring is creepy, eye contact is sexy.

I have a little theory that the eyes are the window into the soul. When you look intensely into someone eyes, you actually “get” a little bit of them in return.

Try and notice the next time you watch a show where someone is interviewed. If it’s a skilled interviewer, there’s a big chance he won’t look any other place than at the interviewed persons eyes. Most likely, he will rarely blink, either.

This behavior stems, like almost everything else, from our caveman days. One of the strongest forms of communication is eye contact, and when deciding which man was the alpha man, it was most likely through something like who looked away last.

I don’t say that they had competitions with this or anything like that, it’s more of a subconscious thing. It’s used the same way today. I’m pretty sure, that in your company, the chubby secretary gives you less eye contact than your boss or another, more powerful, person.

To hold a gaze is simply a sign of dominance and leadership – and you can use that to your advantage.

A woman will instantly see you as a confident alpha male if you give her strong eye contact through the room, down the hall, or when you talk to her. It’s written in her genes. It’s a classic sign of a wussy if you can’t hold eye contact for more than a few seconds – we all now that guy; fiddling with his fingers, looking away nervously, stuttering. Don’t be him :-)

Holding eye contact also makes you quite vulnerable and penetrable - that’s why no one looks each other in the eyes in the metro or in any public transport. It’s an open invitation between two human beings.

How to do eye contact just right

There are a couple of things you do not want to do. First of all is that, when you have locked eye contact, you do not look away before she does. And even if she does, ask yourself what you will gain by looking away.

Most likely, you have everything to win by holding the eye contact and everything to lose by looking away.

Eye contact does not only signal confidence, it also signals interest. Most women love a good listener – and a strong gaze is a huge sign of just that. Your attention is with her and with no one else; in other words, you make her feel special and important.

Confidence + interest = instant sex appeal.

Better is, when you lock eye contact, you force yourself to only listen to her. No distractions – just you and her. That’s sexy as hell. Ask any women out there.

Here’s how to hold that eye contact we should all be striving for:

• Pick one eye and hold eye contact at that. Find out which eye works the best – believe it our not, but there is usually different “energy” between the two eyes. One is usually “hotter”.
• Try to “feel through” her.
• Listen intensely while she is talking.
• Relax at the same time. Don’t strain yourself or hold tension in any muscles.
• DON’T look away. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by doing so.
• Breathe. Always breathe. Through the nose, nice and deep… Ahh.

That’s it. A bulletproof recipe for success with women. Now get out there and give women some sexy eye contact you stud!

By the way…

I just found a little experiment done by my friend David Shade. It’s a article on the website Fastseduction.com, and I really think that you’ll like it. Eye contact experiment by David shade.

I’ll also be gone for about two weeks on holidays – take care guys, and make me proud!

A woman will always test you. She will test you for your masculinity, she will test for your strength; she will test to see if you’re (still) the man she’s seeks and craves.

Testing men is a woman’s secret tool. She wants you to pass the tests, but she will make it as difficult for you as she can.

To understand this, we have to dig a little into female psychology. We have to know what a woman of a feminine essence wants (masculine women also exists, but their wants and needs are a bit different.)

What a woman wants

She wants a strong man. That means she wants a man with a strong masculine essence. A masculine essence is defined by an ongoing pursuit for freedom – you don’t have to know or understand what that means, just keep it in your mind while reading on.

A masculine man is authentic. And he’s honest. And that my friends, is actually all you need.

If you answer to all her tests with authenticy and honesty, you’re going to pass them. And passing a test is the fast-lane to a woman’s heart (and pussy).

Let’s just be friends

This is probably the most important and most common test of all. Usually, she’s not testing you consciously.

It can come up on the first date, at the tenth, under sex, after two years; it really doesn’t matter. What matters is how you deal with it.

I can remember it quite vividly. I was out on a date with a lovely lady – her name was May. She was half Asian, half Caucasian, a short but really beautiful girl.

We had walked around in a park, hand in hand, for about 20 minutes, until I suddenly felt her energy change. She pulled away, looked at me, and stopped. It didn’t seem real at the time;

“Let’s just be friends.”

I was quite surprised. I was blown away for a few seconds, but then looked into her eyes and said the following:

“You know we can’t, sweetheart. And even if you insist on being just that, I will always chase you. I am attracted, and will be as long as I am in love with you. Come here.”

I grabbed her and kissed her. It was a good kiss, and we never talked about being just friends again. In fact, I think I was with her for about 4 months. It could also have stopped right there in the park.

So why did we continue being lovers and not friends?

I was being honest. I was being authentic. I was being vulnerable. And at the same time, I was being strong.

This might not have been a particularly good example, but it was the first one that came to my mind. It’s all about how I handled it.

I could also had lied both to her and to myself and said that yeah, we could just be friends. That would be “fine”. And I would have continued chasing her – but most likely never gotten her again.

Instead I was being honest and authentic. I spoke from my heart. And it couldn’t have worked better. This works with almost any test a woman can throw at you.

Another common test

Women can often test you early by trying to throw you out of your own “frame”. You could say that you frame is the mindset you come in with. It’s your masculinity. It’s your core. It’s what you work from in every interaction. It’s the underlying theme of everything you do. You’re frame is your reality.

A woman can easily throw a man out of his frame by saying something like “Are you a player?”

If you’re a weak man- a wussy, you’re going to go into a strong defensive position. You’re going to tell her that No! Of course you’re not.

A stronger man is most likely going to do one of the following things:

• Throw it right back at her. Ask her if she’s a typical blonde.
• Tell her that you’re going to answer that question later, and continue the conversation.
• Say that yeah, you play… sports, and continue the conversation.
• Or the easiest one: Just ignore it and continue the conversation.

You see what I’m getting at? The stronger male is not going to step out of his own frame. The weaker man most likely is, and being thrown off like that is not a particularly good sign to send to a woman about all your good qualities.

Buy me a drink

When a woman asks you to buy her drink, it may not be a conscious test from her. She may just want a drink. But you can definitely use it to your advantage.

By knowing what you know now, you won’t step into her reality. You will stay in your own reality (frame), and draw her in.

A really good reply would be to look deeply into her eyes, smirk, smile like the game is on! And say that she can buy you a drink. I can not guarantee you that she will do it, but it’s a much better reply than just doing it. You don’t want to be the guy getting the girls drunk, just so they can go home and sleep with all the other men. Trust me, sitting alone at 4am, without any money, without any women, just memories about the guys they went home with… You don’t want to be that guy!

Instead; be honest. You don’t want to buy her a drink. Actually, it would be kind of nice if she bought you one.

Don’t draw it to the extreme

This does not mean that you should ever do anything for anyone.

If your woman asks you to go out with the trash, you should not say no just for the sake of “staying in your own frame” or some crazy shit like that.

Relationships are built on mutual respect, cooperation, and of course love. And lots of other stuff. That’s not the point.

The point is actually that you should never draw anything to the extreme. It’s all about doing the right thing(s) at the right time. It’s all about calibration.

Personally, I can step out of my own “reality” or “frame” or whatever once in a while to do the dishes. Or go out with the trash. This is a really attractive quality. But that’s just because I want to make life a bit easier for the girl in my life once in a while.

I can also do it without she even asks me to do it – just doing it out of my own free will. I know that she will sometimes do the same. I know that if we have this relationships were we do stuff for each other, I might wake up with a hangover to a freshly made burger. Just because she cares!

So guys, handle all tests she gives you with authenticy and honesy. But don’t draw it to the exteme, and have some common sense while at it.

Remember that tests are a beautiful thing. It lets you stay “on top of your game”. Learn to recognize these tests as opportunities – and then be sure to pass them.

Please do report any thoughts or stories in the comments – and as always, questions are highly welcome.

Stay cool!
Alex

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Top image by dlemieux, rest by Ferran.

10 years ago, if someone asked me “should I bring flowers on the first date?” I would have said yes without hesitation. Today I discourage it.

I thought that by giving a woman gifts, and by complimenting her on her looks, I would make her like me.

Oh boy, was I wrong. I just didn’t get it at the time. Date after date, I made the same mistakes over and over again.

I would show up early, waiting for her, and when she finally came, I would be over-excited. I would give her flowers, compliment her all night long, buy her dinner, and in every possible way kiss up to her.

But somehow, the dates didn’t lead very far. If I was lucky all I got was a kiss at the end of the night! It makes me cringe just to think about it…

Now I see very clearly what was wrong. I was a complete and total wuss. Read up on the post Why Bad Boys get all the Hot Women, and Nice Guys don’t even get close for a definition of what that is. I was the nice guy of nice guys.

My biggest problem was that I didn’t understand attraction. The word simply didn’t exist in my dating dictionary.

I had no knowledge of female psychology. I had low self-esteem. The list goes on.

Flowers and gifts

Using the knowledge I have now, I know that I freaked the girls out. It was *too much*. It was *too early*.

And that’s where the gifts and flowers step in.

See, I thought that by giving a woman gifts, she would like me more. She would think that I was generous, sweet, and all these words that I linked to gaining a woman’s love.

But instead, the complete opposite happened. On the outside, she would become happy. She would hug me, smile, and say thanks.

On the inside, she was hugely disappointed. I killed the attraction. All women basically wants to be attracted to you. They want to fall in love. They want to have amazing relationships.

Your job is to let that happen. Don’t give her an excuse for not liking you. (Such as showing you’re a wussy in such a way as bringing her flowers to a first date.)

Look at it this way: All women in the world are attracted to you before you go talk to them. When you start talking, she will try to find all kinds of reasons why you’re not right. If she can’t find any, she’s almost automatically going to “like you”.

Of course there’s more to making a woman like you, but basically you just have to not give her any reasons to not.

Common attraction killers

• Bringing flowers on a first date.
• Killing “the chase” by calling her or texting her too much.
• Complimenting her on her looks before you know her personality. A sincere compliment can be hugely attractive, but only in the right context.
• Being too available. (Thus killing “the chase”).
• Being predictable and boring.

What I mean by “the chase” is that a woman wants to chase you. She highly enjoys it, but you have to let her do it. Don’t ever stand in the way of letting a woman chase you.

It’s often called “Two steps forward, one step back“, and it’s one of the most important things you must learn to have great success with women.

Going two steps forward, and one step back shows that you understand female psychology. It shows that you are pre-selected. It shows that you are confident. It shows all the right things in the right way. It’s a little like Cocky and Funny.

So what I want you to do now is to reflect on your last three dates. What went wrong, and why? Don’t get all sad about it, see it as a learning experience.

If you can, get back to me with your results, and we can talk about how to fix it before your next date.

In one of the following posts, I want to talk about amplifying attraction, which is amazingly effective if done right.

That wraps it up for today. Show some love in the comments. Feedback and Discussion are HIGHLY encouraged; it’s what makes this blog alive! :)

If you haven’t already, I would also like you to Subscribe by Email. That way you’ll get all the new posts when I publish them.

Take care guys!

Your friend,
Alex Kay.

Image by freshballs.