Unless you are with her now, every man has at one point in his life lost his first love. For many men, it is a devastating experience that can be hard to overcome. But read on. This guide will show you exactly how to get over losing your first real love.

It happens to everybody. In fact, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had their heart crushed at some point in life. It is more than normal. What isn’t as consistent over the whole line, though, is how the person with the broken heart tackles the situation.

Some spend three weeks sobbing, only to return to normal after a few crazy nights out. Some seem to ignore it – only for it to come back later and sting them even harder. Some act out insanely, getting upset about the smallest things and calling the lost love at every hour of the night. And then some never seem to get over it.

It’s always the same story

It’s often the same story. Girl leaves guy. Guy can’t understand it – what did he do wrong? Closure is next to none. But he doesn’t seem to want to move on… Since she was the best he ever had. Sound familiar?

So instead he does all kinds of stupid sh*t to get her back… When really, he could have had fun with hundreds of girls over the same period.

Get over her before chasing her

In my philosophy, what is given to you is what you deserve. And that goes both ways. That’s why I don’t usually recommend chasing after a girl if she has just broken up with you. Her reason was probably pretty good, and you can use energy more efficiently than chasing after someone who doesn’t want you.

Now, of course there are exceptions. Millions of them. But usually, if you get over a girl, magically, your chance of getting her back gets better.

After getting over someone, you have the chance to take a look at them in a new light and take your decision to be with the person more intelligently. You are not blinded by feelings, like you are if you are heartbroken. And when you have less to lose (read: you don’t care as much), you will seem more sexy and confident in her eyes.

Who would want a crying loser back? Not me. I’d rather go back to someone who has grown in the process, so the relationship can continue developing in a positive direction. Wouldn’t you?

The best way to grow is to get over her

The best way to grow is to get over your lost love, so you can focus on the more important things in your life than being sad: friendship, hobbies, sports, education etc. Amazingly, focusing on these things help with getting over her as you are focusing on something else… and the circle continues, until you’ve fully healed.

How can you know that she’s the best out there?

When a client asks me how to get over his first love, one of my first questions back is usually: ”how can you know that she’s the best out there?”

Often, he can’t. But he won’t admit it. His brain is wired to try to stay with what is familiar, since new = dangerous. But new is also exciting, refreshing and fun.

And I know that she was wonderful. Caring, loving, smart… I get the drift. But I can tell you this much: she is not the only one. Far from it. I get a lot of email every single day from guys who have trouble getting over their ex-girlfriends. And they’re all perfect. How many (single) perfect girls does that give us? A helluva lot! So don’t sweat it – there is definitely not a shortage of girls in the world.

Life is far from over

Your life is far from over. Think about all the things you have time to do now that you didn’t have before. And here is a little secret: most of your friends are probably glad that you and her are through… Now you can have fun with them and get hammered just like you used to, without thinking about when you should be home and what ”she would think”.

Losing your first love happens to everybody. Everybody had a girlfriend once that they do not have now. That’s the circle, folks. But you are getting stronger, tougher and cooler, and the next girl will be better, I promise.

It would be really interesting to hear some of your positive stories about how losing your first love actually helped you in some way or the other.

You go first – I’ll share mine in the comments as well.

Also, I highly encourage you to check out my book called “The Ex-Girlfriend Solution”. It includes everything you ever wanted to know about getting over your ex and moving on with your life. It takes you right from the break-up to your new relationship, and it answers all the questions I get all the time, like “what to do if she wants to be friends”, “how to avoid being distracted by thoughts about her”, “how to fall asleep when I miss her” etc… Read more about it here!

Image by Bethan.

During the last three years I have learned a lot. Looking back, I am a much happier man today than I was back then. My journey has been long, and yet I am still travelling. That is the beauty of life.
Today I want to share with you six of the things that I have learned. Apply what you feel fit, and I am sure that it will make a profound change in your life.
First of all…

Pick her with care

Choosing the right woman to be with is perhaps the most important task of all. A mistake I see guys making all the time is settling. I know you don’t, but a lot of guys do. The scenario looks something like this: guy talks with a couple of different girls, maybe even takes them on dates. He kinda likes four of them, two of them are a little more interesting. Time passes and he ends up with one of the interesting one’s. What went wrong is that he actually liked a girl better right from the start – he just didn’t go out with her at all. So my advice is this: see as many girls as you like, I won’t comment on that (just yet…) but don’t pick a girl out from your options, that way you are definitely settling. Pick a girl that you know does something for you in a real way. She challenges you, makes you think, and even though it sounds cliché, makes you want to be a better man. These are the real keepers, son. Find yourself a girl like this, and no matter what you go through with her, no matter what happens, in your heart you will know that it was all worth it.

Trust your instincts and listen to yourself

This one is absolutely critical to everything else. For you to be a strong, healthy and happy man, you must learn how to trust yourself and follow your instincts. You have to develop a trust in your abilities, and you have to be honest about them. Whenever you’re in doubt, take a time-out and think it over. Really listen to your thoughts, and at the same time, know that your thoughts are just that – thoughts. They are not you. The concept of you is something much deeper. Get to know that person well, and you will always do what is best for you.

You made the right decision

Don’t spend time regretting things you can’t change, and don’t spend time thinking and being nervous about things you don’t have an influence over (like whether or not that chick will write you back.) Either you wait and let fate do what it does, or you write/call her again and do something about it. There’s nothing in between. Accept it or do something about it. Everything else is bullshit.
I’ve written an article on the subject here: You made the right decision.

Change her mood, not her mind

This one is probably the most important one directly relating to your relating to women. You have to learn how the mind of a woman works. Not completely – that’s crazy impossible. But just enough so that you know how to handle her. I like to see the role and the mission of the man as responsible for opening her up whenever she is closing down. So when your woman starts getting ’closed down’; angry, sad, irritated, confused etc., it’s your job to open her up again!

Instead of reacting to her negative emotions by mirroring them in some degree, maintain your posture and keep your good spirits. Tell her that it’s all going to be O.K, dance with her, hug her, tell her that she is the cutest thing in the world or lift her up and spin her around. But be careful at the same time. Sometimes she just needs some time alone – your skill in this area may not be great enough to help her at the given time. And if you can’t help her through these things at all – ponder the question: why are you even together? If you can’t make each other’s lives easier and happier, is there a point?

Appreciate your alone time and do something with it

I don’t know about you, but too much social activity can make me want to take some time for myself to recover and get back my energy, so to say. It’s important to be able to relax all by yourself. I don’t care if it’s meditation, playing guitar, reading, playing computer games, drawing or something entirely different. But I think it’s important to have something to come back to that you enjoy doing all by yourself, and that helps you regain your energy whenever you need it.

Learn to love everything about her

If you have decided on a girl, and you are sure that she is right for you, you have to accept every little bit of her. You can’t change her, so no matter what she looks like, no matter what you would have liked different, learn to love it. Those cute lips, that freckle, her beautiful back… Kiss every little part of her, and accept her fully. What you can’t change you must learn to love – there is no point in anything else.

Let me know what you think in the comments, and please, share some hard earned wisdom too! :-)

Image by Trey Ratcliffe.

Sometimes you sit and wonder whether or not you did the right thing in a given situation. If you find yourself in this position often, the following five minutes of your time will be well spent. In this article, I will examine the question: ”what is the right decision?”

My philosophy on the subject is actually quite simple. The right decision will always be the one that you made. Let me explain.

With every decision we make, both small and big, we guide our lives in a new direction. I am a big believer in chaos-theory, and therefore think that even just a small movement or a few words can change your fate drastically.

When you decide that you want to go for a walk, instead of let’s just say watch the game on television, you change your fate and with that you also change a lot of other people’s lives (in some way).

The deserted island

The way I see it, this even applies if you’re all alone on a deserted island. Perhaps, if you decide to go to the left to find food instead of the right, you wake up a bird who wouldn’t have woke up if you had just gone to the right. This bird then flies to a city and takes a dump on a man who is just crossing the street. He gets distracted by the sudden icky feeling on his head, and doesn’t see that a truck is driving straight against him. Bam, traffic accident. Which then leads to another thousand things. I think you get my point.

Now, you might ask yourself how I can tell that little story, and still say that every decision made was the right decision. Just hear me out, it will become crystal-clear in just a second.

It’s all for the greater good

In my world, everything, both good and bad, happens for the greater good. I am a firm believer in that, even when something supposedly bad happens to you, it was meant to all along and happened because of a series of choices you made. Those choices were all, just as all choices in general are, the best you could muster with your given resources at the time. So when you stand in this bad situation now, it is your own fault. Completely. You bear full responsibility.

New possibilities

But that does not mean that your bad situation really is that bad. I think that everything works out the way that it is supposed to in the end. With every new bad situation, a new path opens up with new possibilities. When you get fired, you are available for a new position. I am not saying that it is all good when something terrible happens – not at all. But it is not all bad either.

When a person close to you dies, or you get fired, or get dumped, or fails a test, or whatever, I see it as if you are given new opportunities to make your life, and the lives of others, as amazing as you possibly can.

Before we start putting this into practice, let us examine the philosophy behind my words just a little bit closer.

The philosophy behind

I don’t know whether or not god exists. I think that this ’choice’ is up to every individual. But I believe that there is a higher power. You can call it god, you can call it energy, you can call it karma, you can call it whatever you want. But it rewards effort, good intentions and hard work. That’s what I believe.

When you decide to pick up some trash from the ground and throw it out in a nearby trash can, you made the right decision. You opened up for just a little more charity in your own life by giving it first.

If you decided not to pick up the trash, you still made the right decision. It might not lead to better things in your life and in the lives of those around you immediately, but in the end, it will have helped you on the right path in some way still.

And that’s why you made the right decision, always, because there is no real right or wrong. There is only what you did – that is all that will be remembered.

To step out of the mumbo jumbo and become realistic, I honestly do not really think that ’something’ watches over us and defines our destiny and rewards us for doing good etc.

But. And this is a big but, because it is here it all gets tied together. It helps me. I only think this way because it is optimal for me and my way of living. Not to sound too cynical, but I do not really care whether or not god exists. It doesn’t matter. What I care about is results.

Results results results

That is all I can use. I am egoistic and put myself first. But with this philosophy in the back pocket, it does not mean that I can’t put other people’s wants and needs before my own. This is because I belive that it goes back to me in the end anyway, and hey, the feeling of helping people genuinely is a good feeling too.

When you get down to it, it is a much better feeling than standing on the top of the world with a lot of money and power and all of those things… But all alone at the same time. It is all ego. You can never open up to love if you don’t give it.

But you can live egoistically, and still not live through your ego.

You made the right decision

I did it again. I got off-track. But that’s just how it is – when I start writing, the ideas flow out. I rarely edit, and I don’t give what I write much thought.

But to recap: you made the right decision. It doesn’t matter if your decision caused death and destruction, because when it all goes down, it was just a small thing leading to everything becoming what it is. It is not right or wrong, it just is.

There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Just accept your decision with all of your heart and see it for what it is.

To quit the mumbo jumbo again real quick and put it into practice, I don’t care if this philosophy is real or right or anything. I just care about me, my happiness and my results.

One thing less to worry about

Not having doubt about whether or not you made the right decision frees up a lot of things in your life. At least, you have one thing less to worry about. When you have absolutely no regrets, you can live your life free and with full vigor.

On a closing side-note, decisions you made which had bad consequences are good decisions anyway because there is an opportunity for you to learn something.

Always stride for your best and be as strong as possible. Open up and be honest. Accept whatever happens for what it is, learn from it, and move on.

Thanks for reading,
Alex Kay

First image by KhayaL. Second and Third image by Anna.

This post contains two tips for you to become much more peaceful in your everyday life. Apply them as you see fit, and watch your professional and social life bloom over the next few weeks.

If you’re used to being all stressed out over work, a girl etc., these tips will hopefully help you take some of that burden off your shoulders.

More mindfulness, peace and acceptance in your life will almost immediately reduce the overall stress you feel. It will help you to focus on the things that will really improve the quality of your life.

My first and most important tip is to…

Detach yourself from the outcome

This is definitely one of the harder ones to apply, but it is also something that can really change your life in a damn positive way. Primarily it’s about realizing that you do not have control over everything in your life. Yeah, you can always do your best, but sometimes, you just don’t have a say.

One of the things that will bring you the most stress in your life is to attach yourself to the outcome of things too much, and then blame yourself if it doesn’t go as well as it could have gone. This is not to say that you shouldn’t take responsibility for your actions, or shouldn’t try to correct things that have gone wrong. Definitely not. It’s about not caring too much about it and putting too much emotional energy into it.

Abundance instead of scarcity
The best way to do this is to come, or to act like you come, from a mindset of abundance. Let me give you an example: Let’s say that you invested 200 dollars in stocks. The firm you invested in goes bankrupt a couple of days later, and you lose your money. Boo-hoo. Two choices: either you cry about it and get angry etc., or you brush it off yourself just like if it was nothing but pennies to you (even if it weren’t!)

Now you should know that I am all for accepting your own feelings and ‘crying it out’ if you need to etc., but I have to say that in most cases, the ‘best case’ would be if you didn’t have a need to cry at all. And in most cases, you actually don’t. In the example, the investor most likely knew about the risks involved in his investment. And if he didn’t, he didn’t do his homework well enough. Either way, he should learn something from it. What he shouldn’t do is to let it get to him in a negative way. If he does, it can open the door to a lot of shit.

And now I know that we’re going quite deep, but of course, it would be best if you didn’t have a door at all holding back all your shit. But the reality is that most of us have. The optimal situation is by far to have ‘your shit together’ and not have anything negative suppressed in the back of your mind at all. To achieve this you will need to do a lot of soul searching, and hey, even though I think it would be a great idea, it’s just not very attainable for most of us mere mortals who deal with a day job and things to do. In the end though, it should be some kind of goal to be absolutely clear about your past experiences and have let them all go and accepted them in full.

SO…

To jump back on track, let me give you the second tip.

Do things that require you to put in an effort

This may not be logical at first, but let me explain what I mean. In my opinion, one of the best ways to clear yourself from something negative is to do stuff. And not to distract yourself, no, it’s to change your mental focus. Sometimes you get stuck in a mental loop about something, let’s say thoughts about an ex girlfriend, and the best way to get out of it is to snap out of it and do something productive. For me, something productive is something that will help you in the long term. A great example is a workout.

Ever felt ‘cleansed’ after doing something that really required you to give yourself completely? Most likely you have. It almost feels like you sweated a part of the negative experience of yourself.

Get into a super focused state of mind
Whatever gets you into a super focused state of mind will work, it doesn’t necessarily have to be productive (that’s just a plus). It could be to go to a concert and just really rock out. It could be to be fully submerged in a good book. It could be to have a really long conversation with your dad. It could be to paint a picture. It’s just about re-focusing your focus. And in my opinion, it is done best when you’re in that state of mind where nothing can slip under the radar and destroy your concentration.

Two extreme examples are bungee-jumping (how can you think about losing 200 dollars in stocks where you approaching the deadly ground with 99999 miles an hour?! ARGGHH!!!!) or driving a sports motorcycle on a track allowing you to go as fast as possible (this will require loooots of effort, I know it’s a random example but it brings my point forward. Pretty hard to think about your damn ex girlfriend when you could spin out or fuck up anytime if you don’t concentrate enough!) So basically, snap yourself out of it by doing something. Preferably productive. Boom!

So that’s it. Two things that work. Detach yourself from the outcome, and do things that require you to put in some effort. Give ‘em a try.

And it would be cool if you would let me know what works for you in the comments.

Thanks for reading!

Images by Mr. Punto and Achmed Amir.

And that’s why I talk a lot about acceptance. I see acceptance (and willingness) as key concepts when it comes to living with pain – and that means, key concepts to living at all.

Today I want to give you an example on how you can be willing (and accepting). For some of you, the essence of these concepts might be a bit hard to grasp, but with this example, I hope to make it more real, clear and applicable for you.

I got this example from a great book on Acceptance and Commitment therapy, called “Get out of your mind and into your life”. Here goes…

Let your Aunt Ida in

Imagine vividly that you want to invite your whole family to a party at your house. You send out the invitations to everyone, far and beyond. You are looking forward to seeing everyone.

On the day of the party, a lot of your relatives show up. It’s a cheerful scene: people from all over the country seeing each other for the first time in years. It’s a great party. The spirit is high and everyone is enjoying themselves.

That is… Until Aunt Ida arrives. Aunt Ida is that Aunt who never takes a shower, who always gets too drunk and noisy and who always makes the children cry. She’s very unpleasant to have around.

So when she knocks on the door, you refuse to open it – instead, you stand up against it so she aren’t able to get in.

The consequence of not letting her in

This is where the whole theory on acceptance and willingness steps forward. What do you think it means that you have to barricade the door to let Aunt Ida out? Think about it.

The party is going to die. First of all, while you’re guarding the door, you won’t be able to participate in the party yourself. Your guests will also feel like they are in a wierd position; some will argue with you, some will go home and some will try to retreat farther away from the door and the entrance hall. The mood will drop substantially.

Do you see what I’m getting at here? Denying or suppressing something, in this case, Aunt Ida, just doesn’t work. In the end, it ends up only begging for more attention and causing more destruction and unhappiness for you (and everyone around).

Let in the pain

Now, what’s the better scenario? You guessed it. Just let Aunt Ida in. Be friendly to her. Show her where the food and drinks are located, introduce her to your new girlfriend, ask her how she has been doing, etc. In short: recognize her presence and give her some attention.

You don’t have to follow her around and take extra good care for her, not at all. Just don’t treat her any differently than all your other guests.

Who is this Ida?

As you most likely have figured out, Aunt Ida is your “bad” thoughts and emotions. She’s the painful thoughts you have of your ex girlfriend, the bad childhood memories; everything you have been denying or suppressing your whole life.

But it’s time to let them in. It’s time to let her in. Open up and welcome the pain. Live with an open heart, even if it hurts!

It’s when you don’t recognize it’s presence, her presence, when you shut it out or when you try to ignore it, that it has the ability to grow and grow and become so large that it fills up everything.

Keep this is mind. Let your Aunt Ida in!

Let me know what you think in the comments. Have you had success with accepting bad thoughts in the past? Do this example resonate with you? Have any other techniques or ideas on the subject?